Cæs
Now, look here, Gracchus; does this likeness flatter her?
'Cos, if it doesn't, I love Cleopatra.

Grac
'Tis Cleopatra, Cæsar.

Cæs (correcting his pronunciation)
Cleopatra!
When Antony returns I shall go arter her.

Grac (astonished)
You after Cleopatra!

Cæs
Yes; just so.
Why shouldn't I?

Grac
Why not?

Cæs
Yes.

Grac
I don't know.
It only seems—

Cæs
Seems, Gracchus; nay, it is!
The very loveliest Egyptian phiz.
Beauty's but ginger beer.

Grac
As how, my Lord?

Cæs
As thus: we see it's lovely fizz and know
That at its loveliest 'tis going off.
Then “pop” it goes! so 'tis, alas, with beauty;
But, pop or no pop, I'll pop off to Egypt
And pop the question, for I cannot rest
Until I've popped, nor poppy nor mandragora,
Can soothe me in the least, nor can Niagara
Pop an extinguisher, though that's a staggerer
Upon my flame; believe me I'm no swaggerer.

Grac
'Twixt Antony and her, by some arrangement,
You must effect at once a long estrangement.

Cæs
To day he weds Octavia, that's secure,
And then the pair proceed upon a tour,
To anywhere, say Java or Sumatra,

While I go off, and take his Cleopatra—
Hush! here's my sister. Enter Octavia, L. H.
Well, Octavia, dear!

Octa
I am to marry Antony, I hear.

Cæs
You don't object?

Octa
Oh, no; I don't object.
I'm always glad to do as you direct;
He is a man for whom I cannot care.

Cæs
Oh! you will be a very happy pair.
'Twon't do for you, my dear, to be too critical;
State marriages are more or less political.
'Twixt him and me 'twill be a bond of union.

Octa
I rather wish the match had been a spoony'un.

Grac
When will Marc Antony arrive here?

Cæs
Well,
He should be here by now. (Bell) Ah! there's his bell.

Anto (without)
I shan't give more.

Octa
He's angry.

Anto
I'm aware
What is the regular amount of fare. (Enters while speaking off.)
These Roman carmen are such very Rum'uns. (Enter Carman.)
Give him a card, and let him take a summons.
Your card will do. (To Cæsar.)

Cæs
You'd better not be shabby.

Anto
Eh! p'raps you're right. Well, then, you pay the cabby. (To Octavia
Ah! how d'ye do! well, have you got the ring,
Licence, and, you know, all that sort of thing?
How d'ye do, Gracchus! à propos of Gracchus,
I know a jolly rhyme to his name; Bacchus!

Grac
And what of him?

Anto
And what of him? I think
Some one might ask me what I'll take to drink
After a journey.

(Enter L. H. a servant with various drinks, American fashion.)

Cæs
Well, have a few,
Iced.

Anto
  When in Rome do as the Romans do,
And when in Turkey do as do the Turkies—
Cool sherbet most refreshing after work is.

Octa
Here's Rome's peculiar beverage, quite plain:
The celebrated Ponche à la Romaine.
We've effervescing—

Anto
Don't like atmospheric 'uns.

Octa
Here's a mint julep made by the Americans. (They all stand with glasses charged.)
Now let the gin-sling to th' eye-opener speak,
Eye-opener to the pick-me-up-without.
The Pick to cocktail, cocktail to gum tickler—
Octavia drinks to Antony. (Descriptive flourish.)

Anto
After that standing toast which makes a king 'o me,
I feel a sort of pleasant kind of thingummy. (Exit servant with glasses, &c.)

Cæs
Precisely: but we've business to transact
  With Pompey, who, expecting to be whacked,
  Has left the theatre of the war at Nice,
  And comes to talk to us about a peace. (They sit R. H. enter Pompey, L. H. “with drum and trumpet;” for which stage direction vide Shakespeare.)

Pomp
R—R—Romans.

Anto
Dont roll the “r's.”

Octa
Dont roll your eyes. (Pompey rolls the drum.)

Pomp
“Friends, Romans, Countrymen, lend me your ears.
“I come to—”

Anto (stepping forward)
No you don't though; if you please sir,
That was my speech upon poor Julius Cæsar.

Pomp (surprised)
Friends, Romans, Countrymen, lend me your ears.

Anto
'Gad! they're my very words, and my ideas. (rapidly and appealing to the others)
“I come to bury Cæsar, not to praise him,”
“The evil that men do lives after them,”

Pomp (enquiringly)
“The good is oft”

Anto (nodding to him)
“In-ter-red,” the next came—

Pomp
“So let it be with Cæsar.”

Anto (shrugging his shoulders)
Just the same,
Oh! it's disgusting. (retires up)

Cæs (coming down)
Well, it does look queer.

Pomp (aside to Cæsar)
I didn't know that Antony was here,
My troops are all disbanded to save paying,
That's why my drum and trumpet I am playing.

Cæs
But you've a standing army.

Pomp
Do not frown,
I left 'em sitting down before a town,
'Tis in the meadows.

Octa
A sweet situation,
For trying the effects of mead-iation,
Shake hands— (she stands between Cæsar and Antony on the R. and Pompey on the L. H.)
  Show t'wards each other small urbanities,
Swear to renounce the Pompey's and the vanities.
If he plays false or you, and now my lords,
Sheathe your bright banners, and unfurl your swords.

Pomp
And when we have our gleaming weapons furled
Into three quarters let's divide the world.

Trio. Air—“Shoddy.”* ^note

Cæs
'Twixt Toney, Pompey, Cæsar—
That's you and I and we, sir—
We will the world divide—
        And ride!
  To certain victory

Anto
There should not be a compe—
—tition 'twixt us and Pompey:
By dry land or by swampy

  We conquerors will be.
  Oh, such a jolly three!
  We will like happy twins agree;
  Each shall be so like both—
      in growth!
    Especially Pompey.

Anto
Then there's my dear Octavia—
        —avia!
  Who does smile upon the three;
And for his good behaviour—
        —avior!
Gives her hand to Antonee.

All
'Twixt Toney, Pompey, Cæsar—
That's you and I and we, sir—
We will the world divide—
        And ride!
  To certain victory
There should not be a compe—
—tition 'twixt us and Pompey.
By dry land or by swampey
  We conquerors will be.
  Oh, such a jolly three!
  We will like twins agree.
Oh! (“The Wedding March.”)
Pompey—Cæsar—Toney.
Felix-Mendelssohn-ny—
        suoni!
Oh! Pompey—Cæsar—Toney.
Felix-Mendelssohn-ny. Grand Wedding March, Pompey with drum and fife. Exeunt all L. H. Enter R. H. Eros.

Eros
I didn't think my master would so readily
Leave Egypt and return to live here so steadily.
Hallo! what's this.

(Re-enter Antony and Octavia. Antony in pain.)

Anto
Oh! oh!

Octa
The wedding can't continue.

Eros
What is it?

Octa
Toothache in the nerve or sinew,
I know a dentist, and what's more “I do”
“Remember an apothecary” too.

Anto
Oh! oh!

Octa
The worst case I ever saw—
I'll go and tell him while he holds his jaw. (Exit.)

Anto
She's gone— (recovers.)

Eros
To fetch dentist to assist her.

Anto
Its no good: I can't marry Cæsar's sister.

Eros
They won't put off the match for long forsooth.

Anto
One minute, while I cut my wisdom tooth:
I'm going back to Egypt, you'll report
That I have met my fate as Roman ought.

Eros
What fate?

Anto
My wedding fête: the grave of freedom:
I can't become a slave in realms of shedom,
So failing my oppressive tooth to cure,
And being less unwilling to endure
The ills we do not know, than to be bored
By those we do, I'll fall upon my sword.
Hold it and turn your face the other way,

Eros
But my dear sir— (Antony gives him his sword.)* ^note

Anto
You've only to obey.
“Why did he die?” they'll ask: above your breath
Answer, Marc Antony was bored to death.
Now, are you ready? don't shake: stop that cough.

Eros
Ready. (stands L with sword extended towards R. H.)

Anto
Then here goes: one, two, three, and off. (Exit Antony R. H.)

Eros
I can't hold out much longer, I shall shirk,

(Enter Pompey as if from wedding breakfast, he walks across thoughtfully and runs on the sword.)

Pomp
Oh! Oh!

Eros (tragically, with averted face)
I cannot look upon my work. (Exit.)

Pomp
Who with a weapon let that stupid youth out? (music.) (Re-enter Octavia R. H. and servants, with tweezers and pincers, and seeing Pompey writhing.)

Octa
Still suffering! drag him off and wrench his tooth out. (The servants carry off Pompey L. H., followed by Octavia, Change Scene.)

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