Delightful place this Egypt is! quite charming
So hot, the way one drinks is too alarming.
Various iced liquids one's parched lips entices,
No wonder the Egyptians worship Isis.

So I go on till everyone thinks me
Cool as a cucumber's supposed to be.
Cool as a native here, and they p'raps iced are.
Iced natives—that means, cool as is an hyster!
I'm glad that I am not in Rome just now—
I think they're going to have a jolly row.
Rome in the summer months is so unhealthy,
And every one, who's moderately wealthy,
Goes off to somewhere else for the vacation,
And I to Egypt: that's my explanation
Of why I'm in my present situation;
I'm also finishing my education.
How very few there are would have suspected
My education to have been neglected.
And yet it was in languages—for they
Taught me Egyptian—only in a way.
Oh I could read, and write it like a scholar,
But when Egyptian's talked I could'nt follow.
And as to answering them when they asked
A question—then my powers were overtasked:
And so to get the right pronunciation,
I took advantage of the first occasion
Which brought me here to Egypt, where I've been
For three weeks stopping now with Egypt's Queen.
I at the language each day take a spell,
And I'm progressing moderately well;
The folks are very right, I find, in saying
That there is nothing that can equal staying
In a nice native family as this is,
To learn a language—teaching by the Missis
The Egyptian language one rather wishes
Had fewer of these birds, and beasts, and fishes.
Ideas drawn on walls by stupid niggers,
Which bother one, for I'm no hand at figures,
Excepting such a one as now I see, (Enter Charmian R., down L.)
A waist is never thrown away on me— (Eros enters and raps at Sphinx's door, where Lepidus is hidden.)
A pretty waist is every thing I care for,

And waist not, want not, is my motto therefore.
So Charlotte—

Char
No, indeed, sir, I am not.

Anto
Not Charlotte—no of course some other lot

Char
Try Char—

Anto
Ah, char-woman

Char
No, Charmian,

Anto
True.
Well, you're a pretty little creature too.

Char
Sir—

Anto
Antony

Char
Sir Antony,

Lepi (concealed in the Sphinx L.C.)
Sir Antony, fie.

Anto
Who says fie?

Lepi (looking out of Sphinx)
Why,
I say fie,
With my little eye,
And I say fie.

Anto (startled, but seeing Eros)
That voice! T'was you. I know the rascal drinks.
What do you mean by—

Lepi
No, t'was I.

All
The Sphinx.

Anto (chord)
The talking Sphinx, secreted in the wall!
She's making free with my Egyptian Hall.

Lepi (solemnly)
I am the Ghost of the first great Sesostris.

Anto
A ghost! get out, you're more like an impostress.

Lepi
I have a secret; let the public go.

Anto
Ladies and gents this finishes the show.
Encourage the performance, and we may again
In half an hour, or a quarter, play again.
Tell 'em outside you're pleased, and get out quick. (Exeunt Eros, Charmian, and slaves R & L.)

Lepi
Now shall I tell you how I do the trick?

Anto
You come down here, my friend, and I'll explain
To you how not to do the trick again. (Lepidus comes out and descends.)
Lepidus! crammed in there?

Lepi
Yes, very crammily.
Delightful! for the father of a family.

Anto
Well, how d'ye do? Except Octavius C.
Of all men else I'd have avoided thee. (Enter dark slave bearing drinks)

Lepi
This is th' original Egyptian Hall,
You said just now? That person in a shawl,
I say, who's she?

Anto (to slave)
There, you may put it down,
This the Egyptian Hall, that Mrs. Brown. (Exit slave R.

Lepi
To business, Antony.

Anto
Sit down.

Lepi
I'm here
On your account.

Anto
On my account, that's queer:
Something gone wrong then with my banker?

Lepi
No.
The Roman funds just now, are rather low,
And Roman Consuls, two-three-quarters, frisky,
Railway debentures are a little risky,
The bullion operations, too, excite
No public interest.

Anto
And they pay none—

Lepi
Right.
No, it is not for that your friend desponds—

Anto
For what then?

Lepi
Why, for your Egyptian Bonds.

Anto
My dear sir, cent per cent, the thing's immense.
You'd venture in if you'd got any sense.

Lepi
You're jesting, Antony; your friends all wish you
To bring these bonds to a successful issue.
Why are you here?

Anto
What can that be to you?
To get up the Egyptian language.

Lepi
Pooh!
Emphatically pooh! you'd get on faster
At home in a few lessons from a master.

Anto
Well, I've a master here.

Lepi
Yes, you have got
A master—but a master she is not.
Now why aren't you in Rome?

Anto
It must be clear,
That I am not in Rome because I'm here.

Lepi
Paltry evasion! you desert your home.
Why are you here?

Anto
Because I'm not in Rome.

Lepi
Rome would go to the dogs—I won't be nice—

Anto
You can't—

Lepi
  The dogs sir; but for my advice—

Anto
By your advice? 'Tis not the first time, then,
The geese have saved the city.

Lepi
Tony! when,
You mention “geese,” do you to me allude?

Anto
You can't imagine I should be so rude.
“Geese” my dear boy's the plural number: you
Are singular, and very sing'lar too.

Lepi
What! have I travelled all this way to be
Laughed at!

Anto
It seems ridiculous to me
To come for that, as far as here from Rome,
When the same object you'd have gained at home.
Let's change the subject. What's the latest scandal—
Has Cæsar's wife yet given any handle?

Lepi
Sir, as the father of a—

Anto
Bosh! (is drinking his chocolate and winks at him) My cup to you.

Lepi (horrified)
Bosh! (solemnly) all look up to me.

Anto (laughingly)
Don't I look “up to you?”
More news: the Coliseum, what's it doing?

Lepi
It's been shut up for years, it's quite a ruin.

Anto
The Coliseum shut! could nothing save,
The Panorama, the stalactite cave,
The shower-bathic falls! the silly châlet
That faced the mock-work rock-work in the valley,
The ascending room—

Lepi
I've nothing more to tell.

Anto
Scenes of my early childhood, fare you well!

Lepi
Do not give way.

Anto
And Pompey?

Lepi
Getting wildish!
He is again in arms,

Anto
In arms! he's childish.

Lepi
He's all at sea, and Cæsar's very grumpy,
Pompey fights us by water.

Anto
Oh! poor Pumpey.

Lepi (giving Antony a letter which Antony pockets)
This is from Cæsar; this— (holding up another)

Anto
I don't like guessing, (takes it)
Aha! I see, a lady's hand, marked pressing. (pockets it)

Lepi
It's from Octavia (chord)

Anto (sings the octave up)
Octavia!

Lepi (sings the octave down)
Octavia!
That's native talent;

Anto
Is that so indeed?
No wonder then that it does not succeed.

Lepi
You've got to wed Octavia,

Anto
Ah! I thought
That I had promised something of the sort.
She's Cæsar's sister—yes, it's very true,
'Twould be the sort of thing I ought to do;
Here the establishment is too extensive,
And Cleopatra's getting so expensive;
Then everything she wants I have to buy,
And she herself has drained the Nile Bank dry.
Ex Nilo nihil fit (aside to audience) which means, I think,
English'd—Ex Thames-o-nihil fit to drink.

Lepi
If Pompey is successful Cæsar will
Join him, expatriate us, and sack the till—
That coalition, Antony, must smash us.

Anto
Of course I see it—Cæsar-Pompey-Crashus. (rings bell, enter Eros)
Yes! I'll cut everything—to Rome repair,
And cut this very mild Egyptian air;
Pack up my bag, my comb and brush—I am a
Resolute chap. Put up a Latin Grammar.
I've been so long
On the Continong,
I've quite forgotten my native tongue.

Eros
Which Latin Grammar for you shall I get?

Anto
Is'nt that much-vexed question settled yet?

Lepi
Pack up the Eton Grammar—verbum sat.

Anto
Eton! we most of us have swallowed that.
Now, Eros, smart's the word. (shout without—Music).

Eros
It must be smarterer.

Lepi
That's wrong! (to Eros)

Anto (in consternation)
All wrong! oh!

Crowd (without)
Long live Cleopatra!

Anto
She comes! she must'nt see you,

Lepi
Eh! then! where
Can I secrete myself?

Eros (opening Sphinx's door)
This Sphinx.

Anto
In there;
This will amuse you (giving him newspaper) read it.

Lepi (looking in)
An infernal
Black hole.

Anto
Here take the daily Memphis journal,—

Lepi
I can make nothing of it—

Anto
That's not new,
All its proprietors have said so too.
Walk up, walk up, be quieter I beg.

Lepi (In Sphinx)
Oh! here's a something crawling up my leg.

Anto
It is a scarabæus—

Lepi
What's that?

Anto
Oh!
A queer Egyptian beetle, don't you know.
Yes, these old houses swarm with them at night,
If you don't irritate him he wont bite.

Lepi
I hate black beetles.

Anto
Well! you can begin,
And kill a lot of them—quick, shut him in.

Lepi
But— (Eros shuts him in—Antony sits at table with his book.) (Music—Cleopatra's attendants appear at back—Cheers— then Cleopatra drives in in an elegant poney carriage— two little grooms sitting behind—they jump down and run to the ponies' heads—Antony sits quietly reading— Charmian and Eros assist Cleopatra—by Cleopatra's side sits little Cæsarion, her child, very fashionably dressed—Charmian brings in a cage—In the carriage is a lap-dog, and a parrot, canary, and monkey—The parrot is put in a cage immediately, and Cæsarion surreptitiously teases it).

Cleo
Gently now, gently. Let that grey alone,
Now, look out, mind their heads! or mind your own.
Char, take the lap-dog out; poor little Phary! (screaming)
Don't let the monkey get at the canary! (to grooms)
Chop up and give the tits a nice fresh carrot. (sees Cæsarion teasing the parrot)
Cæsarion, don't you dare to touch that parrot. (to Eros)
Bring me some sparkling something in a cup. (Eros and Charmian assist her.)
Who's seen my monkey?

Char
Ma'am it is put up.

Cleo
I'll feel a little better when I've quaffed
My new invented drink.

Char
That costly draught,
A pearl dissolved in wine. (Cleopatra takes off a pearl and puts it in the cup—Antony puts his hands in his pockets, and goes on reading.)

Cleo
Yes. Fill up, girl.
Moderns will call this drink—The early Purl. (Cæsarion tickles Antony, who turns upon him annoyed.)

Anto
Confound—

Cleo (reprovingly)
My dear! (Cæsarion blows a trumpet in Antony's ear.)

Anto
Do make him stop his noise.

Cleo (proudly and fondly looking at Cæsarion)
So fond of music too. (Cæsarion makes a face at her behind her back.)
Boys will be boys.

Anto
I'd make 'em girls till they are twenty. (To Eros.) Claret! (Eros fills for Antony.)

Cleo (sharply)
Cæsarion! did I say don't touch that parrot?
Antony, pray, is this the way you treat me?
Why didn't you at first jump up to meet me?

Anto
For jumping, dear, the weather isn't made:
Over a hundred something in the shade.

Cleo
There's no sun here.

(Cæsarion pulls Antony's hair.)

Anto
Confound it!

Cleo
Do not storm.

Anto
A little son can make one very warm.

Cleo
Once though for me, e'en in the height of noon,
You would have stirred.

Anto
But then I was a spoon— (Antony looks at her.)

Cleo
Well, what's the matter?

Anto
Why it's very strange,
But in your hair, don't I observe some change?
I know it is a little rude to stare.

Cleo
The fashion Antony. I've blanched my hair;
'Tis dyed. That fact, before them, don't remark.

Anto
You've made it light, and wish to keep it dark. (aside)
I mustn't quarrel. (Aloud) Well, I hope you found
The usual pleasure, on the usual ground.

Cleo
Fifteen times round the drive and up and down,
I saw I think there everyone in town.
And then I walked and made equestrians stare,
And then I lounged ten minutes in a chair,
And in the row I sat returning bobs—

Anto
Giving back shillings?

Cleo
No, the nods of nobs.
I saw sleek clergy on their sleeker cobs,
And horse-police removing reckless snobs. (To Cæsarion)
I'll lock you up, Cæsarion, in a garret,
If you do dare again to touch that parrot. (To Antony)
Why don't you talk a bit? what makes you solemn? (Looking over his shoulder)
Egyptian before breakfast, in one vollum.
The language bothers you.

Anto
Well, just a leetle.
Now here's (shewing her the book which is full of hieroglyphics) a cow, a dickey-bird, and beetle.

Cleo
But why are you so cold and so unkind,
You've nothing on what you may call your mind,
Have you? (to Cæsarion who suddenly breaks the cage.)
Bad child! to break those perches! odd—

Three perches more than justify one rod.
Take him away. (Exit Charmian with Cæsarion.)

Anto
At last my mind is eased.

Cleo
He's not your boy, and so of course you're pleased;
Put down that book, your brains are getting muddy,
D'you want Egyptian characters to study?

Anto (beginning to read again, provokingly cool.)

Cleo (snatching the book away impatiently.)
  For if Egyptian character you need,
Here's one whom you'll find mighty hard to read.
I change from fair into a storm terrific—
In fact I'm an Egyptian Hieroglyphic.
Make a shot at my meaning. You've an eye for me—
Riddle me, riddle me-ree, you can't decipher me.
Who can—'praps Mr. Layard were he near.
But you're not master, no, nor La-ird here. (suddenly changing.)
Forgive me, I won't stand upon my rights (she sits down and coaxes Antony.)

Lepi (suddenly appearing out of the Sphinx—aside.)
If I could fish, I've had such lots of bites,
Strange things come up to look at us, and see us, (exhibits a great beetle)
And this is what they call a scarabæus. (Enter Eros, with bag and umbrella, crossing from L to R— when he's not looking Lepidus puts the scarabœus in it and disappears; Eros places it with bag, ready for Antony to take. Exit Eros.)

Cleo (seeing bag)
What's that?

Anto
Ahem! 'tis time for me to go (Giving her Cæsar's letter.)
To Rome.

Cleo
To Rome!

Cleo
On business.

Cleo
Oh! no, no, no, (looking at book)
This was the hieroglyphic then!

Anto (aside)
Egad! (aloud) Pshaw!
A monthly number.

Cleo
The Egyptian Bradshaw!
To Rome! (meditating.)

Anto
Two thirty.

Cleo
Don't go, don't be naughty (he points to the book, she screams out.)
Two thirty!

Anto
Hush!

Cleo
You think this strain's too forté, (Tenderly)
Tony, you'll stay with your own love and Queen here?

Anto
My dear, I have done nothing since I've been here.

Cleo
A happy lot.

Anto
Wrong reasoning you've got.
To none can “nothing” ever be “a lot.” (confused)
I've been here such a time; I, in reality,
Can't trespass longer on your hospitality.
I have enjoyed myself immensely (going).

Cleo (coldly)
Oh!

Anto (hurriedly)
And I am sorry to be forced to go.

Cleo (politely)
I fear your bag your onward walk retards.

Anto
I'd like a porter.

Cleo
Let me call my guards— (Claps her hands, and enter R and L guards.)

Anto
Ass-yrian Blues and Black Guards.

Cleo
No, dark knights.
All of the chosen corps of Ninny-vites.
A guard of honour for you.

Anto
Thanks, my pet.

Cleo
You may withdraw; he isn't going yet. (exeunt guards.) (reading letter which Antony has given her)
Cæsar “commands” you, does he? Who is Cæsar?
To write to you? I'd give him such a teaser.
I see 'tis worded “we” command you; “we,” sir.
Oh! “we” sounds big, yet we is wee! he'd see
If I'd his ear, how he'd cry wee—wee—wee!
Cæsar! a little boy but scarcely reared,
A Downy card, without moustache or beard,
'Twill shame you, Antony, to think you've feared him;
The boy'd be very glad to let you beard him,
A warrior like you, and curry favour

With one who is not even a young shaver.
Tony, who stoops to neither King nor Kaiser,
Cringe to Octavius—Och!-tavius Saysar!
Bedad! excuse my getting hot and fireish,
Excitement often runs me into Irish.
There's some connexion can be traced in full
'Twixt the Assyrian and the Irish Bull.

Anto
But, Cleopatra, I do not see why— (She prepares for tears.)
That settles it at once; she's going to cry.
I will not go to Rome.

Cleo
Then I can smile.

Anto (aside)
I've stopped the overflowing of the Nile. (They embrace, and she picks his pocket of Octavia's letter.)

Cleo (playfully)
What's this? (Less playfully) Another letter?

Anto (aside)
Oh! the deuce!
I don't know what to say for an excuse.

Cleo
Who is it from?

Anto (embarrassed)
My tailor.

Cleo (aside)
Oh! that's clever! (Aloud)
You seem embarrassed.

Anto
Yes, I am; whenever
I have a letter from my tailor: it
Is for this gown. (Aside) I feel I'll have a fit.

Cleo
“My very dearest Antony”—you hear
His style?

Anto
This style: my tailor's very dear.

Cleo
“I've always smiled upon your suit—”

Anto
Look there!
All about clothes.

Cleo
“One button I don't care.” (sternly)
One button?

Anto
Yes, I can't explain—

Cleo
Behaviour,
Most odd. How does he sign himself? (reads it)
“Octavia!” (chord)
A tailor sir? this looks more like a milliner,
Whoe'er she be I've serious thoughts of killin' her.

Anto
It's Cæsar's sister.

Cleo
Oh! it's Cæsar's sister.
I dare say now you've very often kissed her?
You're a nice gentleman, upon my word;
Of this young lady I have never heard.
So! it is all arranged, as I infer
From this, that you're to go and marry her.
Not if I know it. Who is this Octavia?
What! is her hair than mine a whit more wavy-er?
And have her honied lips a sweeter flaviour?
Has she more land in Biscay or Batavia,
Has she more wealth in Italy, in Pavia,
Than I in India, Africa, Moravia?
Can she cook dishes for you which are gravyer
Than I prepare? Has she a greater navy, a
Larger or better army in Moldavia,
Than I? Or, p'raps to gain young Cæsar's faviour,
You've grown from bad to worse, from knave to knavier,
And slighted Cleopatra for Octavia!

Anto
Madam! I'll not be bullied. I'll be plucky. (Lepidus appears, but on Cleopatra turning, he quickly disappears.) (aside)
Lepidus! Ha! a thought—by all that's lucky—
I'll turn the tables. (aloud) If I am not true
To you, I've but to say I've followed you.
You say I'm false to you; well, let us see
If you are not this minute false to me.
Suppose, I say, that where we have been seated,
Here, in this room, a lover is secreted.

Cleo
Here, Charmian? (Enter Charmian, Eros, and others R. and L. suddenly.) (to the waiting girls)
You dark-looking little creoles,
I think you've all been listening at the keyholes.

Char (Candidly.)
Yes'm. He said—

Cleo
You know. I want no more.

Anto
Everyone knows the Sphinx's secret door.

Cleo
Then if I'd got a beau hid there, should I
Order my men to let their arrows fly?
I'd let the arrer go; I'm not the rogue
To hide a lover like Ar-rah-na-Pogue.

Anto
You talk, but you won't do it.

Cleo
Oh! I won't!
Make ready! there! present! one! two!

Lepi (suddenly appearing)
Oh! don't (chord)

All
A man.

Lepi
I'll slam the door, and close it slammily; (Comes down, they aim at him.)
Don't fire at the father of a family.
Oh, the black beetles in that horrid place!

Cleo
I've never seen this ugly fellow's face. (Music from here up to the end.)
Can such a thing as that two lovers sever

Anto
Back, madam! I must cast you off for ever. (To Eros)
The boat! (to Cleo) I leave you with your gay Lothario,
And out of window jump, like Signor Mario,
When in the Huguenots he plays Raoul.

Lepi
Yes, but you leave me here to play the fool.

Char
No; bear it like a lamb, and stop here lamb-ily.

Lepi
Stop here? What I! the father of a family?

Cleo (distracted)
Tony! I do not care for him, I vow.

Lepi
Hear! hear!

Cleo
Or could I do as I do now.
Seize him! (guards seize Lepidus.)

Lepi
What means this sudden resolution?

Cleo
Take off that gentleman to execution.

Lepi
Me! Lepidus!

Cleo
Oh, that's your name, sir, is it?

Anto
Ta, ta, my boy, I hope you'll like your visit.

Cleo
He'll find in Egypt's Queen no gentle shepherdess,
For we will play the Tigress to his Leopardess.

Air.—“Bu qui s'avance.”

Anto
  An-to-nee, Tony, Tony,
        -nee Tony, Tony,
        -nee Tony, Tony,
  I must go away,

All
  You shall not go away.

Anto
  Off gallop like a pony,
      -lop like a pony,
      -lop like a pony,
  I must go, I say,

All
  No, he shall not, we say.

Cleo
  You are the only chap,
  For whom I care a rap,
  And you would leave, naughty Tony
        -leave, naughty Tony,
        -leave, naughty Tony,
  Nothing worse can hap-
  -pen, nothing worse can hap.

Lepi
  Lepidus you abandon
    -dus you abandon,
    -dus you abandon,
  Me they're sure to stick.

All
  Yes, you, We sure to stick.
  Yes, you They're sure to stick.

Lepi
  Ce-re-mo-ny do stand on,
      -mo-ny do stand on,
      -mo-ny do stand on,
  Or all's over quick.

All
  All will be over quick.

Lepi
  I am the father of a family, you know,
        I'm the father of a fam'ly,
        -ther of a fam'ly,
        -ther of a fam'ly,
        And to them I'd go,
        Yes! I would to them go.

Cleo
  Bosh! stuff! I'm Cleopatra,
        I'm Cleopatra,
        I'm Cleopatra,
  You shan't go to Rome.

All
  He shall not go to Rome.

Anto
  Than most Tarters, you are Tart'rer
        -ters, you are Tart'rer
        -ters, you are Tart'rer.
  Ta! Ta! Do not foam.

All
Yes, Ta! Ta! Do not foam.

Anto
  It grieves me, of course to part,
    From you it cuts my heart,
    Yet I must go Cleopatra,
        -go Cleopatra,
        -go Cleopatra,
    And at once depart.

All
  He says he must depart.

(Antony has one foot in Eros' boat, and waves his umbrella triumphantly as scene closes, Cleopatra faints, Lepidus held by Guards. Tableau.)

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