Lepi
Fresh from the road I come, my way unravelling,
Well, I am anything but fresh from travelling.
To ride on camels, till one's things smell camel-ly,
That's nice for me, the father of a family:
Since, Lepidus, this with your guide-book tallies,
'Tis the back-door of Cleopatra's Palace.
That Cæsar's an unconscionable dog
Sending me here to Antony, incog.
My mission's this to Antony, to catch him,
And then from Cleopatra's chain detatch him.
'Tis Cæsar's policy to sow dissension
Through me, while he adopts non-intervention.
But first to get within the Palace; how?
I'll take what means will make the slightest row.
Now for some crafty dodge! (Thinks.) Let's see—the thing—
Would be—(thinks)—No. Yes—that's good—I'll knock and ring.
Invention never fails me on occasion (rings and knocks).

Charmian (within).
Who's there?

Lepi
That question needs deliberation. (Charmian opens door.)

Char
A man! What is your name?

Lepi
My name is Norval
Upon the Grampian Hills—

Char
Oh don't—that's awful!

Lepi
If you don't like my style of declamation
You are deficient in appreciation,
And I may add, that I've no hesitation
In saying your taste lacks cultivation.
However damsel, as you've rightly guessed,
My name's not Norval: let the matter rest.
On the portmanteau, which I've travelled with,
You'll find the simple classic name of Smith.
Don't fear me, I'm a lamb; bar speaking lambily—

Char
Sir!

Lepi
  Do not shun the father of a family.
And what's your name my dear, if all the same
To you?

Char
I'm Charmian.

Lepi
What a Charmian name! (Enter Eros, C. between them).

Eros
What's this! Ah Lepidus! my brow goes clammily.

Lepi
Can you suspect the father of a family?
Fair girl, you won't permit a hint to fall
Of my arrival here.

Char
Oh! not at all.
My lips are sealed.

Lepi
  They are (Lepidus kisses her) a very fresh'un.

Char (shaking off Eros who has tried to stop her).
Nonsense. (to Lepidus) Your seal has made a good impression. [Exit.

Lepi (with dignity to Eros, who is about to remonstrate)
The father of a family has got
The right to do what bachelors have not.
To bus'ness. With Marc Antony how goes it?

Eros
He is infatuated, and she knows it.

Lepi
She, meaning Cleopatra.

Eros
Yes, he's set
His heart upon her.

Lepi
Tell me how they met.

Eros
I will: And first then you must know that Marc
Met Cleopatra driving in the park.
The trap she sat in, like the Sun-God's car,
Shone in the drive, the seats were damask white,
Tawny the rugs, and all so scented, that
The swells sniffed curiously. Her whip of silver,
Half parasol, which dared the sun; and flicked
The ponies, which she beat to trot the faster,
As amorous of her lash. For her own person
It beggared all description; she reclined
Upon those cushions I've described before,
And high in front, and round, rose dangerous waves
Of foaming frothy muslin petticoats,
Art's fancy outworks: in the seat behind her
Sat two quick natty boys, like perky Cupids,
With white pipe'd breeches and pale salmon tops,
To guard whose knees a pretty oilskin apron
They both undid and did.

Lepi
O rare for Antony!

Eros
And when she'd passed, young Egypt at the rails
Look'd in each other's eyes, then after her,
Then gazed about at—well, they knew not what,
As dazed as is the poor unlatch-key'd husband
After a late carousal, when his spouse,
Candle in hand, unchains the guardian door;
So they: so Antony: who whipped and spurred
Up to her side, and whip-spered in her ear
Soft nothings, which, though nothing in themselves,
Lead oft—

Lepi
Sir, I'm the father of a family.
Never could Tony pretty woman's lip shun,
No wonder he was caught by this Egyptian.
Cæsar has touched him up, though, in this letter,
Antony's old enough to know much better.
This letter's from Octavia to my crony,
“Which,” she said, “please to give to dearest Tony.”

Eros
Then before Cleopatra do not show it.

Lepi
I don't intend to do so, if I know it.
For she might show me, were I in her way,
‘Bits of old Paris’ as the playbills say,
Which phrase explained by girl with anger pale,
Bears on its face the marks of Toùr de nail.
Therefore I'll in, unpack my brush and comb—
A luxury to me since I left Rome—
Then say I'm here.

Eros
And they'll say ‘not at home.’

Lepi
Then manage to convey me to some place,
Where I can speak with Tony face to face,
When Cleopatra's out, and there's no visitor.
Be my conveyancer, I'm your solicitor.

Eros
First wipe your sandals on the fibre mattin!

Lepi (à la Dr. Pangloss)
As I'm a Roman I may speak in Latin.
I like, you like, a mat, I'll teach you that
In Latin 'tis, amo, amas, a mat.

Eros
You will be heard if on the mat you chatter.

Lepi
Stop! (just going in) The mat-maker's name?

Eros (surlily)
Don't know.

Lepi
No matter.

Eros
Come, take a morning's dram.

Lepi (indignantly)
Get courage dram-ily!
Young man respect the father of a family. (Exit into palace, after pushing aside Eros, who then follows him in. The door is closed.)

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