Lepi (stopping)
Phew!

Cleo
Do not stop.

Lepi
I won't (recommences).

Cleo
Since Tony went,
I've sat like patience in a Monument.

Char
To-night you live in fondest expectations
Of Antony's return.

Cleo (to Lepidus)
The invitations
You've sent.

Lepi
Phew!

Cleo
What!

Char
He means he's few to write.

Cleo
Make haste! they're for our fancy ball to-night,
To welcome Antony, oh! joy entrancing!

Lepi
There's nothing I detest so much as dancing.

Char
With a fast partner, oh! the Valse deux temps!

Lepi
I've tried it, but invariably get wrong.

(Cleopatra looks angrily at him, and he continues writing and repeating aloud.)
“Compliments”—“Empress”—“Nine”—“At home.” At home!
I wish that I was back again in Rome.

Cleo
Go on. Till Antony returns we hold you,
A happy hostage, as we've often told you,
In Cupid's trammels.

Lepi
But to live thus trammelly
Doesn't become the father of a family.

Char
Now dot your “i's.”

Lepi
My “i's” dont tease me. Why
Am I brought to this state of pen-ur-y?

Char
You'll dance to-night.

Lepi
'Twould kill me.

Cleo
Never fear.
One hop won't take you far towards your bier.
How slow you are! To Tony write.

Lepi (puzzled)
A version
Of your's I'm copying to an envoy Persian.

Cleo (impatiently)
Write to another Persian then.

Lepi (referring to list)
I've Dutch,
Italian, German, French, Chinese—

Cleo
Not much!

Lepi
Were I a mere machine!

Cleo
Oh! you're a dunce!
If I'd the hands, I'd do 'em all at once. (rings)
My secretaries. (Enter six secretaries in costumes of different countries.)
Each one understands
His business; don't you? (They present pens.)
There's a show of hands!
French, German, Indian, Dutch.* ^note (Each takes his place. Sharply she turns to Lepidus.)
And that rapscallion!
Will write to Antony (to another) and you, Italian.

Each take a separate letter. Settled! (They bow once simultaneously.)
Quite
My head's full inside. Go on! All write! (They all stoop to their work R.)
Voulevous danser, madame, what's your name? oh,
Antony! do return—La ci darem-o,
Ja vohl Mynheer von Drunk—omit the letter ‘r,’
Von Dunk—etcetera, etcetera, etcetera—
Add pretty speeches; I don't recollect them; (They all finish at once, and take breath, Lepidus much overcome is fanned by Charmian.)
Now then, prepare, take envelopes, direct them,

(this is done with one dash.)
  Stamp 'em (they do it.)
  And seal 'em (they do it)
And mark 'em with C (again),
And put 'em in the Post Box,
For them and for me. (The seven winged figures open their mouths at once. The six Secretaries and Lepidus with one movement put the letters, one in each mouth, which then closes.)
    Be off, (Exeunt the six secretaries at six different exits.)
  I feel so dull, you stupid folk,
Lepidus!

Lapi
Yes 'm.

Cleo
Can't you make a joke.

Lepi
I'll try.

Cleo
A riddle then.

Lepi
Ah! “When's a door
not a door?” p'raps you've heard that one before.

Cleo
“Let us to billiards,” come, for first we'll toss.

Lepi
The Egyptian game is—?

Cleo
Pyramids, of course.
I'm not in cue for that, were I in Kew,
I'd go and dine on Richmond Hill with you;
Or in a punt fish by the Weir.

Lepi
I query
Whether that can be pleasant which is weary. (laughs by himself)

Cleo (restlessly)
Why then I'll mope until my jaws grow lanterny (re-enter Charmian with Cæsarion.)

Char
A Roman gentleman with news from Antony. (Cæsarion runs to Lepidus.)
And I forget his name, 'tis such a hard 'un. (Cæsarion pinches Lepidus.)

Lepi
Oh!

Cleo (to Lepidus and Cæsar)
If you play with him, play in the garden.

Lepi
I'm not a nurseryman. (Charmian re-appears, as if introducing the visitor, who is still without.)

Cleo
Away.

Lepi
I'm going. (aside)
I know where all the unripe fruit is growing. (exit with Cæsarion at back; Charmian ushers in Octavius Cæsar and retires.)

Cæs
Madam, I come from Rome; a friend, no foeman,
By boat.

Cleo
A sailorman?

Cæs
No ma'am a Row Man.

Cleo
Well, you came oar the water, but your news
Of Antony?

Cæs
I'll sing it if you choose.

Cleo (to Charmian)
Bring out the harp.

Cæs
A lyre! I should sing
Had I a heart for falsehood framed.

Cleo
The thing
That you like best: fantasias rather bore us,
Something we know, that we can join in chorus.

Song—Cæsar. Char. plays the harp. Air—“The Mousetrap Man.”

Queen Cleopatra in me you behold
One who a story has got to be told.
It is about the base perfidee
Of that young Roman that's called Antonee.
Time—yes, and tune—in the telling I'll take,
For your poor heart I'm afraid it will break.

In your good graces he is as I know,
But if he's worthy my story will show.

    Cle-o-
    patra, I'll show
  What you must anyhow know,
  There has been practised great treacheree
  By that unscrupulous man Antonee.

He left your palace one day last week,
For he treats you as if he were a Greek!
Then in a vessel he sailed off to Rome,
Where he's now pleasantly settled at home.
And Cæsar's sister he met there that day,
Cæsar was ready to give her away,
And at the Registrar's dressed out so gay,
Antony mar-ri-ed Oc-ta-vi-a.

    Fie fie, bad Antony!
    Why, why should anyone cry.
      Cos as I say,
      It was t'other day
        Antony married Oc-ta-vi-a!

Cleo
Lyre! and Slave! (strikes him)
Forgive me, I am wrong,
But that was such an irritating song.
And who are you?

Cæs
I pay my offering votive
At your fair shrine,

Cleo
Oh! that's your little motive.

Cæs
The Roman Eagle at the dove may look;

Cleo
An eagle you, whose goose I'd like to cook.

Cæs
Your little hands can only cook such sweets
As come before desserts and after meats;
Not goose, but fools of gooseberries.

Char (to her aside)
Keep cool.

Cleo
You own of something I can make a fool.

Cæs
Empress, there's truth in that remark imperial—

Cleo
Yet for that dish we're careless of material.
We women, who make men fools twelves by twelves,
To crown all, make the greatest of ourselves,
As I have done with Antony, but now

I feel, I feel, just ready for a row,
With you—Octavia—any one—

Cæs
Stop! Ease her!

Lepi (without)
Drat the boy! (Cæsarion runs in, Cleopatia seizes him.) (Enter Lepidus.)

Cæs
Lepidus!

Lepi
Octavius Cæsar! Tableau.

Cleo
Octavius Cæsar! oh, I see that you
Are the sharp blade who'd cut our loves in two;
Daggers shan't do it, no, nor knives, nor tweezers,
Nor Cæsar you, were you a pair of sceessors,
D'you come here as a conquerer?

Cæs (depreciatingly)
Oh no!

Cleo
Yes! and you'd put me in your Lord Mayor's show,
Or else my child, and I will be instead
Shown to the public at so much a head.
Half price for any children under six,
Who would expect us to exhibit tricks,
Prance, eat, and growl, while vulgar girls and ma's
Prod us with parasols, between the bars.
“Walk up! Walk up at once, or else they'll spile,”
Queen from the river Nile and Juvenile!
For this will I be conquered by your troops,
Who're in the bay upon the poops of sloops,
Or seen through loops like hoops? if Egypt stoops
To them, or if one whit her courage droops,
May she, that's I, as one of Cæsar's dupes
Catch every sort of sneezes, colds, coughs, whoops,
Never drink any more of Ind and Coop's,
Sink upon slip-slops, famishing for soups,
And perish of continued chronic croups,
My cheyild (embraces Cæsarion—Lepidus cries)

Cæs (to Lepidus)
You sammy!

Lepi
Sir, if I act sammyly (points to child)
Remember, I'm the father of a family. (Enter Eros, R. H.)

Eros
Ha! (starting on seeing the company)

Cæs
Ha!

Lepi
Ha!

Cleo (very wildly)
Ha!

Eros
Marc Antony!

Cæs
Attach him!

Cleo
Oh, I'll mark Antony, if I can catch him!
Ugh! (To Eros) I could break your pate! Is Tony mated?

Eros (protecting himself)
Don't! my intelligence can't be re-pated.
Antony's run through—

Cleo (anxiously)
All his money?

Eros
Pooh!
His body.

Cleo (quietly)
What a stupid thing to do!
He's only enemy himself, and he
Killed him at last: to neither you, nor me,
Is it of any consequence at all.
Octavius, you are coming to my ball
To-night? and supper afterwards for four.

Cæs
With pleasure. (To Lepidius, taking his arm.)
Eh? you dog.

Cleo
Au reservoir! (Exeunt all but Charmian.)
Tony or not Tony—that's the question: whether
He goes alone, or we two go together.
Charmian, we'll settle it in our consistory.
Can I survive him? No; I'll stick to history.
Now, then, to finish. Poison!

Char
Ma'am, there's not any.

Cleo
What! do you mean to say you haven't got any?
You careless girl, I've told you every day
To have that bottle filled; that's just the way.
Charcoal and swords, of course, I need not mention;
They do for heroines with no invention.

Char
A rifle.

Cleo
  Bah! preposterous! Yet one
Knows that there's nothing new beneath the sun;
Yet after ages never will suppose
That Egypt knew one quarter what she knows.

Two thousand years from now grave men will find
That Egypt wasn't very much behind
Their age in her discoveries; now see— (Charmian brings down elegant small case.)
A case in point—just keep your eye on me;
Prepare to be astonished, just a leedle. (Takes out a very pretty toy rifle.)
With this breech-loader—Cleopatra's needle—
The puzzling writing found upon this same
Is but the trade mark and the maker's name;
But we'll find something better: shut the clasp. (Charmian puts it away.)
Bring me some figs, and in the figs an asp,
Which our Egyptians hold in veneration;
Or adder, which receives their adderation.
I'll let it take my life—make it, in fact, a
Sharp adder changed into a quick subtractor. (Charmian brings a large round box.) (Music.)
Figs: and the freshest serpent we could get.
Charmian, please to light an allumette.
My couch, a table, and a saucer; wait
And see how Cleopatra meets her fate (Taking the asp, as yet unseen by the audience, from the box, she apostrophizes it.)
Come, then, thou pyramidical black wedge!
Snuggling in wool, in variegated boxes;
Crawl, creep, and wriggle through sulphureous smoke
Into a short-lived popularity. This thing
Shall be a mania for a time, by which
Egyptian Cleopatra shall be bitten;
And when fools wrangle whether 'twas an asp
Or adder, or a crocodile, that bit me,
Shew them this box, present my compliments,
And tell the wiseheads t'was a Pharaoh's serpent. (Charmian lights the Pharaoh's serpent. Cleopatra lies down, eating a fig.)
Capital figs! Dear! what a nasty smell!
I hope that I am looking very well.

If Tony lives give him this explanation—
To join him was my latest asp-iration. (Bell without.)
There's some one at the monument, who's at it? you'd
Better arrange yourself with me in attitude: (tragically)
I faint! farewell! whoever comes don't speak, (relapsing)
Antony! oh! I—goodish pose plastique. (They remain in attitude. Enter R.H. Eros, then Antony.)

Eros
Here's Antony returned ma'am to be chummy,
Eh! here's a game—

Anto
It looks like double dummy.
I've come upon a very nasty fume,
It's like a Polytechnic lecture room;
On my return as merry as a grig,
To find her lying here, and (looking at the fruit, and at her dress) in full fig;
They've had a feast of figs, the pretty piggers. (To Eros, who is about to kiss Charmian.)
You cannot be allowed to touch the figgers.
Well, there's an end of her: who'll say that Cleo-
-patra did'nt care a fig for me?

Eros
Remember, you're a Roman,

Anto
Oh! of course,
These Greeks and Romans have but one resource.
A set of sticks—here, where's my classic sword?
My last performance with it is encored.

Eros
I left it in the stand, sir, in the hall.

Anto
No matter (music), what's that?

Eros
Cleopatra's ball. (Galop played—Cleopatra's feet and Charmian's begin to move to the time. Antony is preparing to lie down, R.)

Anto (pretending to stab himself without anything in his hand)
There! Cleopatra! oh! (lies down—gets up) (listening to music)
I know what tune it is.

Cleo (sitting up angrily)
Antony.

Anto
Mum.

Cleo
We must respect the unities.

(They both lie down again; Eros sitting. Enter Cæsar, Lepidus, Octavia, Gracchus, Pompey, and the party dancing to the music.)

Cæs
What's this report that takes us by surprise?

Lepi.
Report for once speaks true, and there she lies.

Pomp
See here who does upon this couch repose—
Antony! with antennæ to his nose.

Lepi
That's monumental brass.

Grac (unmasking)
Now, as you've done
With history, we'll begin our bit of fun.

Cæs
Gracchus! (Octavia unmasking.)

Cæs
Octavia!

Octa (taking Gracchus' hand)
Married!

Cæs
What's this mystery?
Both in a story.

Lepi
Her story and History.

Cleo
Stop! stop! if that's the case I'll not expire.

Anto
Nor I, but into private life retire;
I don't intend to interfere with you.

Cleo
I've got enough to live upon for two.

Cæs
Then I'll be master. Lepidus agrees.
He'd better—

Lepi
Cæsar. Anything to please.
Quiet is jam to me; the word sounds jammily.
Home, and no more be farther off my family.

Anto
By all means go and count your little chickens;
Some will object; to us you've play'd the Dickens
With history; yet, that is but to say
We've treated facts in quite a novel way.
'Tis justifiable; Sir Walter Scott
Has done it; so have others, scot and lot,
And he who was for all time, not an age,
The Bard of Avon, A vun on the stage,
[That pun's enough to put one in a rage.]
He's played a trick or two, with date and name,
Taking what suited him just as it came,
And leaving out what did'nt suit him; so
Why should'nt we? that's what I want to know,

For as has been observed by Mr. Cicero,
An extract which I cut out with a scissor, oh,
And as said others, if my brains I cudgel—
For instance, poets Ovid, Horace, Virgil—
And not forgetting the Athenian Plato,
Whose name at once suggests the Roman Cato—
For Cato puts it thus—

Cleo
Kate O! who's she?

Anto
She? (aside) dear! how ignorant some folks must be, (aloud)
It's he.

Cleo
  Of course, of any word of Kate O's,
I think as Yankees say, but small potatoes.
But why go into all this dissertation,
Who cares a button for your peroration?
Our aim was to amuse, if we've succeeded,
Why then we've done exactly what was needed;
But if we've failed this object to attain,
Why then we'd better both lie down again.
One word; who thinks this comic classic play,
Should have been ended in a tragic way,
More in accordance with tradition, will
Kill us with their hands, with kindness kill
Thus, on both hands our warrant you will give,
Let Antony and Cleopatra live.

Finale—“Hunkey Dorum.”* ^note

Cleo
Now we've done our history,

All
    Hunkey dorum doodle um day,

Cæs
Which we've managed to twist away,

All
    Hunkey dorum doodle um day.

Anto
Nothing against proprietee,

All
    Hunkey dorum doodle um day;

Lepi
Sir, I'm the father of a familee,

All
    Hunkey dorum doodle um day.

All
Here we tragedy—pooh! pooh!
Take of life the laughable view;
If you smile, how happy will be
Cleopatra and Antonee.