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Rowson, Mrs., 1762-1824 [1795], Trials of the human heart, volume 3 ('printed for the author, by Wrigley & Berriman', Philadelphia) [word count] [eaf328v3].
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LETTER XLVIII. MERIEL to CELIA. Oak-hall, October 9th, 1783.

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Surely, &longs;urely, my friend, I was born
to be the &longs;port of fortune; for truly
can I &longs;ay with the Poet,


That e'er the cup of joy could reach my lips,
'Twas da&longs;h'd with gall.—
I had but ju&longs;t began to ta&longs;te the &longs;upreme felicity
of dome&longs;tic happine&longs;s, had began to
look forward to ri&longs;ing years of peace and
comfort, when this Belger, like a demon of
cruelty appears, and all my plea&longs;ing prospects
vani&longs;h—


Like &longs;ome poor traveller, whom Merlin leads
Thro' fragrant bowers and delicious meads;
And while his feet the magic paths pur&longs;ue,
And while he thinks the fair illu&longs;ion true—
The ba&longs;ele&longs;s vi&longs;ion melts in fluid air,
And woods and wilds and thorny ways appear.

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Yes, my beloved friend, the &longs;weet enchanting
&longs;cenes of happine&longs;s now &longs;ade upon my
fight, and like the delu&longs;ive vi&longs;ion of a disordered
imagination, &longs;erves only to make the
&longs;urrounding de&longs;olate pro&longs;pect, the more dark
and gloomy.

From the time of my la&longs;t letter, Mrs.
Rook&longs;by's health has evidently become
wor&longs;e and wor&longs;e every day; &longs;o that we were
obliged to ha&longs;ten her departure for the continent,
as the phy&longs;icians feared the cold autumnal
bla&longs;ts would be too much for her
enervated frame to bear. We were bu&longs;y in
preparing for her departure, when one evening
ju&longs;t as the &longs;un was &longs;et, a little girl came
and informed me a poor tenant of our's
was taken &longs;uddenly ill, and wi&longs;hed very
much to &longs;ee me.—As Amelia was bu&longs;y
in her own apartment, I would not interrupt
her to reque&longs;t her company; but
taking &longs;ome cordials with me and bidding
Thomas follow, I took hold of the little girl
and bid her lead me to the cottage. When
I arrived the poor woman told me &longs;he had
been &longs;eized with a &longs;udden fit, and imagining
her&longs;elf dying—&longs;he had &longs;ent for me to recommend
her children to my care; but as
&longs;he now found her&longs;elf much better, &longs;he humbly
hoped I would pardon the trouble &longs;he had
given me. As I had walked very quick, I

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found my&longs;elf &longs;omewhat fatigued and &longs;at
down for a few moments to re&longs;t. Whil&longs;t I
&longs;at, I bu&longs;ied my&longs;elf in making enquiries
concerning the poor woman's family, and
learnt that &longs;he had &longs;even children and a very
bad hu&longs;band.—“I have been in a deal of
trouble, madam,” &longs;aid &longs;he, “Robin has
been very idle this &longs;ummer and had gotten
him&longs;elf in debt; but we were relieved from
our nece&longs;&longs;ities by a gentleman, who is I believe,
at the Hall; for the children &longs;ay they
have &longs;een him there. Oh! madam, he has
been the pre&longs;erver of me and mine, and I
am bound to pray for his pro&longs;perity.” She
was eagerly proceeding, when ca&longs;ting my
eye toward the window, I &longs;aw Belger open
the wicket, which &longs;erved for a gate, and
come in.—“Here is your benefactor coming
good woman” &longs;aid I, and &longs;lipping two guineas
into her hand, went toward the door,
but was not quick enough to e&longs;cape, before
Belger entered.—“Ble&longs;s me my fair hostess,”
&longs;aid he, in an accent of &longs;urpri&longs;e; “who
could have thought of &longs;eeing you here; not
that it is &longs;urpri&longs;ing to &longs;ee Mrs. Rook&longs;by in
the cottage of poverty &longs;weetly alleviating its
attendant evils, but the latene&longs;s of the hour
and to &longs;ee her without Mi&longs;s Sidney.”

“Amelia was engaged,” &longs;aid I endeavouring
to pa&longs;s him, “and indeed, I did not
ob&longs;erve how late it was.”—

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“You will permit me to &longs;ee you home?”

“By no means Mr. Belger. I have my
&longs;ervant with me.”

“Do not, deare&longs;t madam, deny me the
&longs;elicity of walking by your &longs;ide and enjoying
a few moments uninterrupted conver&longs;ation,
a ble&longs;&longs;ing I cannot obtain at the hall.”

“Nor can I think, &longs;ir, you have any thing
to &longs;ay to me, to which the whole world might
not be a witne&longs;s, I de&longs;ire you will &longs;uffer me
to go home alone. I have particular rea&longs;ons.”

“I know your rea&longs;ons, mo&longs;t lovely, mo&longs;t
injured of women. Rook&longs;by is jealous,
weary of the po&longs;&longs;e&longs;&longs;ion of the mo&longs;t inestimable
trea&longs;ure, he &longs;eeks by accu&longs;ing your spotless
purity to excu&longs;e his own errors.”—

“Stop, Belger, I will li&longs;ten no longer,
Rook&longs;by is too ju&longs;t to &longs;u&longs;pect the integrity
of a heart, with who&longs;e very emotion he is
acquainted. As to errors I neither &longs;u&longs;pect
him capable of any; derogatory to his own
honour or prejudicial to our mutual happiness;
and know, &longs;ir, the per&longs;on who would
endeavour to awaken &longs;u&longs;picion in my bo&longs;om,
will be ever held as an object of contempt
and dete&longs;tation.”

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I then darted at him a look expre&longs;&longs;ive of
my hone&longs;t indignation, and endeavoured to
quit the hou&longs;e: but he threw him&longs;elf on his
knees before me, and forcibly taking my
hand earne&longs;tly reque&longs;ted to be heard for only
one moment. From the in&longs;tant Belger fir&longs;t
entered, the woman had from a motive of
re&longs;pect left the room, and my &longs;ervant was
without &longs;ide the gate, waiting for my coming
out.

I was he&longs;itating for an an&longs;wer, by which
I might hope to make him relinqui&longs;h his design;
when I heard my hu&longs;band's voice enquiring
of the &longs;ervant, “whom he was
waiting for?”

“My mi&longs;ere&longs;s, &longs;ir,” replied the man.

“Your mi&longs;tre&longs;s is here then—and who is
with her?”

“Mr. Belger went in a few moments &longs;ince.”

“Damnation!” exclaimed he, and pushing
by the man with violence in&longs;tantly ru&longs;hed
into the hou&longs;e. How I looked, or what I
&longs;aid, I cannot pretend to determine, but of
this I am certain my feelings were undescribable.

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“It is well, madam,” &longs;aid he, “I have
at length di&longs;covered the true cau&longs;e of your
frequent rambles toward this cottage, and by
heavens.”—Rage choaked him, I &longs;ummoned
all my re&longs;olution and endeavoured to calm
his agitated &longs;pirits.

“Frequent rambles, Mr. Rook&longs;by, I do
not under&longs;tand you; I never was at this cottage
before, nor &longs;hould have come now had
I not been &longs;ent for.”

“I know you were &longs;ent for. That is the
very thing that drives me to madne&longs;s. Oh!
Meriel, to think on the very la&longs;t evening before
my mother and Mi&longs;s Sidney leaves England,
you could quit them and taking advantage
of my ab&longs;ence fly on the wings of love
to meet your abandoned &longs;educer. But, this
is no time for argument; tell me, thou vile
reptile, who under the ma&longs;k of friend&longs;hip
ha&longs;t di&longs;honoured me, what reparation can
you make for the peace you have de&longs;troyed,
for the purity you have fullied?—

“Dear Rook&longs;by,” (&longs;aid Belger in a tone
of di&longs;&longs;embling gentlene&longs;s,) “you are carried
away by a wild ungovernable pa&longs;&longs;ion, I give
you my honour I had not been in the hou&longs;e
ten minutes when you entered; nor had I
the mo&longs;t di&longs;tant idea of meeting Mrs.

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Rooksby here, you iujure her by the&longs;e unju&longs;t suspicions,
and what ought to be at this time a
material con&longs;ideration, you agitate her &longs;pirits,
impair her health and endanger her valuable
life.”—

“Belger” &longs;aid my hu&longs;band, with a voice
that made me tremble, “you are both a coward
and a villain.”

“You cannot mean what you &longs;ay.”

“I do,” reiterated Rook&longs;by, fiercely.

“Then, &longs;ir, to-morrow between five and
&longs;ix o'clock, I &longs;hall expect to &longs;ee you in a
proper place to &longs;ettle this difference. But
remember Rook&longs;by, I warn you of the remorse
that will &longs;eize you, when you di&longs;cover
how injuriou&longs;ly you have treated both your
wife and friend.

“Belger,” &longs;aid I exerting all the firmne&longs;s
I was mi&longs;tre&longs;s of, and laying my hand on
his arm, as I &longs;poke.—“If you are not callous
to the voice of humanity, explain this
horrid my&longs;tery, for I am certain the accidents
of this night have been concerted to ruin me
in the opinion of my hu&longs;band. You call
your&longs;elf his friend. How well you de&longs;erve
that title your own con&longs;cience can be&longs;t inform

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you, that and the all-&longs;eeing eye of a ju&longs;t providence
knows my innocence, and I tru&longs;t,
it will hereafter, be made appear clear as the
noon day &longs;un. In the mean time, dare not
as you value your eternal welfare, to lift
your impious hand again&longs;t the life of Rooksby;
or, by throwing your&longs;elf in the way of
danger, run the hazard of ru&longs;hing unprepared
into the pre&longs;ence of your offended Maker,
for let honour give it what fal&longs;e glo&longs;s it will,
the man, who wantonly throws away his life
is as much guilty of &longs;uicide, as the wretch
who ends his exi&longs;tence with a loaded pi&longs;tol.
And in the ca&longs;e of duelling vanqui&longs;h or be
vanqui&longs;hed, you are equally a murderer. Go,
leave us, would to heaven, I could &longs;ay to
that peace which was uninterrupted, till your
arrival here.—Return to London, or go any
where; &longs;o as I may not have the weight of
blood&longs;hed to drag my almo&longs;t broken &longs;pirit
to the earth.

Rook&longs;by &longs;tarted up with fury and snatching
my hand from off Belger's arm, cried—
“by heavens you tremble only for him. So
as he is &longs;afe you care not what becomes of
me. But come, madam, let us return, it
is almo&longs;t dark.” As he &longs;aid this, he pulled
me redely from my &longs;eat. I attempted to
walk; but terror had unnerved my limbs.
I &longs;unk down again on the chair, and had

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not a flood of tears relieved me, I mu&longs;t have
fainted. He was alarmed and called the
woman to bring &longs;ome water, and &longs;aying he
would &longs;end the carriage to fetch me as I was
unable to walk,—he went out, followed by
Belger in &longs;ullen &longs;ilence. When he was gone,
my agitation became &longs;o great, it threw
me almo&longs;t into hy&longs;terics. I was not sufficiently
mi&longs;tre&longs;s of my recollection to a&longs;k the
woman any que&longs;tions, but gave vent to my
overcharged heart in a torrent of unrestrained
affliction, and when the carriage arrived,
threw my&longs;elf into it alma&longs;t di&longs;tracted with
the violence of my emotions, where, to my
great comfort, I found my kind &longs;oothing
friend Amelia. I related to her what had
ju&longs;t happened; &longs;he comforted me all that
lay in her power, and told me Belger had
retired to his apartment immediately on
entering the hou&longs;e, and that Rook&longs;by went
to the library, where he was bu&longs;y writing.
She &longs;aid &longs;he would endeavour to &longs;ee the former
before &longs;he went to re&longs;t, and per&longs;uade
him to &longs;et off for London, entreated me to
hide my unea&longs;ine&longs;s from Mrs. Rook&longs;by, as
her weak &longs;tate of health would but ill support
the &longs;hock of &longs;uch intelligence, when &longs;he
&longs;uppo&longs;ed us the happie&longs;t of the hymenial
votaries, and lamented her being obliged to
leave me in &longs;o di&longs;agreeable a &longs;ituation.

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I thanked the dear friendly girl; but entreated
her not to be unea&longs;y; &longs;aid &longs;he could
not perform to me a more acceptable &longs;ervice
than by attending to the welfare of my mother,
promi&longs;ed to be guided by her advice
and bear my afflictions with patience.

And &longs;o I will, my dear Celia; for have I
not con&longs;cious innocence for my &longs;upport, and
is it not my duty to &longs;ubmit without repining,
to the will of Him, who never lays on his
creatures the rod of affliction but for &longs;ome
wife purpo&longs;e. He can humble the frail body
to the du&longs;t the more to exalt the &longs;oul. He
can cau&longs;e the bones that he has broken to
rejoice, and heal the broken heart. I feel
his mercies at this moment abound in the
comforts of an approving con&longs;cience. I acknowledge
his judgments ju&longs;t, and pray only
for meekne&longs;s and re&longs;ignation to bear his di&longs;pen&longs;ations as I ought.

Celia, I mu&longs;t break off, I am ill; when
able I will again continue my narrative,
beaven ble&longs;s you.

MERIEL.

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Rowson, Mrs., 1762-1824 [1795], Trials of the human heart, volume 3 ('printed for the author, by Wrigley & Berriman', Philadelphia) [word count] [eaf328v3].
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