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Billings, Josh, 1818-1885 [1866], Josh Billings, hiz sayings. With comic illustrations. (Carleton, New York) [word count] [eaf674T].
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Thare iz so mutch ced about the importanze ov
female eddikashun, now a daze, that a near-sighted
person wud suppoze that wimmin, was running tu
waist. The more that wimmin ar elevated, the
more men ar histed up too, so tha sa, and them who
maik this statement, ain't fur from out ov the wa
fur men hav bin clus after the wimmin, ever sinse
humin beins waz perpetrated. Dear reader, dear,
don't be maid a fool uv, by beleaving for the space
ov a half-grown seckond, that Josh Billings, (more
properly Joshua Billings, Esq.,) don't love, respeck,
adore, and worship the sex, and ain't willing tu fite,
even with the belly-ake onto him, two hundred
pounds ov any kind ov man, in behalf ov enny vartuous,
and worthy, or even good-looking woman.

I beleave in femail eddikashun, clear up tu the
handle, provided the woman hankers for it, but if

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she don't hanker for it, i kant see why she shud be
histed up into a posishun, where men has got to
cease luving her, just in proposhun az tha are asked
to wonder at her. Tha tell us that thare aint enny
posishun that man kan fill, but what wimmin kan
fill it tu; but iz that enny reson why it iz best to
prove it. I haven't enny doubt, that you could
eddicate wimmin so muchly, that tha wouldn't kno
enny more about getting dinner, than sum ministers
ov the gospil kno about preaching, and while tha
mite translate one ov Virgils ecklogs tu a spot, tha
couldn't translate a baby out ov a kradle, without
letting it cum apart.

I hold that natur haz its laws and programmy, all
the wa down, from the biling over ov a volkano tu
the wiggle ov a lam's tale. — Suppose you shud
take 100 yung injuns and eddikate them tu the
highest pint, and then turn them luce! 95 ov them
wud throw a blanket ontu their shoulders, bid fairwell
tu civilizashun, and dive intu the wildnerness;
the uther 5 wud wander about among the pail faces,
az far from hum az a Bufferlo wud be among a herd
ov short tailed durhams. I believe in femail eddikashun,
but i had ruther a woman cud beet me
nussing a baby than tu feel that she cud beet me or

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enny other man in a stump speech or a lektur on
veteranara praktiss.

If Billings understands human natur, and he
thinks he duz, thare aint nothing that a true woman
luvs more than the hole ov a man's harte; and, in
order tu git this, she haz got tu kno less than he
duz, or maik him think so. I thank the lord that
thare aint menny wimmin in the wurld who want
tu know evry thing. I kalkerlate that 9 out ov
evry 10 ov the wimmin who luv their huzbands and
glory in their children, will sa that tha had ruther
be looked down upon in luving tenderniss than tu be
looked up tu in silent aw.

If Josh Billings haz ced a wurd, in what he haz
now rit, wich iz kalkulated tu damp the arder ov
one single aspirin' woman, he iz reddy tu shed tears,
but i hav alwus thort that the very highly eddikated
wimmin work best in single harniss. In konklusion,
i sa, elevate the wimmin, but if their heds and their
hartes bekum antagonicks in the operashun, i shall
continner tu think that luv, swapped for wizdom, iz
a doutful gain to the wimmin and a pozatif loss to
us poor mail-claid devils. Mi christian friends,

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Billings, Josh, 1818-1885 [1866], Josh Billings, hiz sayings. With comic illustrations. (Carleton, New York) [word count] [eaf674T].
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