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Billings, Josh, 1818-1885 [1866], Josh Billings, hiz sayings. With comic illustrations. (Carleton, New York) [word count] [eaf674T].
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[figure description] Page 079.[end figure description]

Bolivar. — Yu are rite about it, courtin a yung
widder iz no boys play. Yu hav got to stick and
hang. Feed them well, and take them tu the circus,
and go out into the avenu with a kupple ov
blood ba lightning calculators, that's the wa!
Dont waste enny time waiting for a full moon nuther.
Widders luv oysters and gass lite the best.
Dont flatter them much, but pitch in, and rush
matters. Menny a widder has bin lost, bi fuleing
around, gitting reddy tu court. Maids luv centiment,
but widders luv muscle.

Fanny. — Pork and beans are good, that's a fack,
but yu must go down suller and eat them, don't let
ennybody cee yu du it. Sassage grease iz ap tu
rise on the stummuk, and if yu eat raw onions, and
dont swaller them hull, tha are ap tu make yure

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breth defensive, so tha sa. If yu want tew katch
yure bo, run rite tuther wa, and skream a small-sized
skream, and dont look bak till yu katch him.
If yure bo wants tew marry yu, and yu ar enny
whar near reddy, it iz a good genral rule tew let
him du it.

David.—The best kind ov a dog tew hav for awl
purposes iz a wooden one. Tha dont kost much,
and aint liable tew git out ov repair. They are
easy kep, and yu alwus kno whare tu find them.
Tha aint kross tu children when yu step on their
tales. Bi awl means git a small one. I never knu
one ov this breed tu foller ennybody oph.

Citizen.—I think yu hav cum tu just konklusion
from the premisis. Yu sa, “enny man who will
chaw plug terbakker, will drink santa kruize rum;
enny man who will drink santa kruize rum, will go
tew the devil; and enny man who will go tu the
devil, is mean enuff tu du enny thing.” Bi thunder,
i think yure more than ¾ rite, I will think the
thing over clus, and if i find you are rite, i'll telegraff
tew yu.

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Richard,—Thare aint no sich thing az a munny
aristokrat in this free Amerikan land ov freedum.
If a man knows more than anuther man, he has got
a rite tew throw his hed bak and brag onto it a little.
But if a man haint got onla munny, he haint got no
more rite tu brag onto it then he wud hav tu brag
onto a big pile ov manure that wanted spreading.

Gipsey.—I kant giv yu enny partikler rule for
riteing for the nuzepapers. Korrekt spelling iz the
verry bowels ov suckcess. This art is onkomon
hard tew obtain; but few ever reach it, and liv.
If yu want yure name tew go down tu posterita untarnished,
dont rite for the nusepapers, but go and
hav yure name painted in red letters onto a board,
and la it awa up garrett.

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Billings, Josh, 1818-1885 [1866], Josh Billings, hiz sayings. With comic illustrations. (Carleton, New York) [word count] [eaf674T].
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