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Billings, Josh, 1818-1885 [1866], Josh Billings, hiz sayings. With comic illustrations. (Carleton, New York) [word count] [eaf674T].
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When fickle frends and fickler fortin fales,
Dogs, unfickle still, for you will wag their tales.

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Dogs are various in kind, and thanks tew an allwise
Providence, tha are various in number. Tha
are the onla animil ov the brute perswashun, who
hav voluntary left a wilde stait ov natur, and cum
in under the flag ov man. Tha are not vagabones
bi choise, and luv tew belong tu sumbody. This
fac endears them tew us, and i hav alwas rated the
dog az about the seventh cusin tew the humain specious.
Tha kant talk, but tha kan lick yure hand,
this shows that their hearts iz in the plase where
uther folks' tungs iz. Dogs in the lump are useful,
but tha are not alwas proffittable in the lump. The
Nufoundlin dog is useful tew saive chldiren from
drowning, but yu hav got tew hav a pond or water,

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and children running around kareless, or else the
dog aint profitable. Thare aint nothing maid boarding
a Nufoundlin dog. Rat Tarries air useful tew
kech rats, but the rats aint proffittable after yu hav
keched them. The Shepard dog is useful tew drive
sheep, but if yu hav got tew go and buy a flock ov
sheep, and pay more than tha are wurth, jist to keep
the dog bizzy, the dog aint proffittable, not mutch.
Lap dogs are very useful, but if yu dont hold them
in yure lap awl the time, tha aint proffittable at all.
Bull dogs are extremely useful, but yu hav got tew
keep a bull too, or else yu kant make ennnything
on the dog. The Coach dog iz one ov the moste
usefullest ov dogs i kno ov, but yu hav got to hav a
coach, (and that aint alwus pleasant) or yu kant
realize from the dog. Thus we cee, that while dogs
are ginerally useful, thare are times, when tha aint
ginerally proffittable. I dont really luv a Yaller
dog, nor a mad dog, but with these two unfortunate
excepshuns, it is dredful hard work for me to sa a
hard word agin a dog; the wag ov their tails is
what takes me. Enny man who will abuze a dog,
neadn't ask me to luv him, or pra for him. Enny
man who will abuze a dog will abuse a woman, and
enny man who will abuse a woman is thirty-five or

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forty miles miles meaner than — a pale paller dog.
These are my centiments, and i shant change them,
until i receive notice that the camel has smoothed
down the hump on his back, and the sarpent ceases
tew wiggle when he wanders.

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Billings, Josh, 1818-1885 [1866], Josh Billings, hiz sayings. With comic illustrations. (Carleton, New York) [word count] [eaf674T].
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