Snare following.
Host.
Master Fang, have you entered the action?
Fang.
It is entered.
Host.
Where's your yeoman4 note? Is't a lusty yeoman? will he stand to't?
Fang.
Sirrah, where's Snare?
Host.
O lord! ay: good master Snare.
Snare.
Here, here.
Fang.
Snare, we must arrest sir John Falstaff.
Host.
Yea, good master Snare; I have entered him
and all.
Snare.
It may chance cost some of us our lives, for
he will stab5 note.
Host.
Alas the day! take heed of him: he stabbed
me in mine own house, and that most beastly. In
good faith, he cares not what mischief he doth, if his
weapon be out: he will foin like any devil; he will
spare neither man, woman, nor child.
Fang.
If I can close with him, I care not for his
thrust.
Host.
No, nor I neither: I'll be at your elbow.
Fang.
An I but fist him once; an he come but
within my vice6 note;—
Host.
I am undone by his going; I warrant you, he's
an infinitive thing upon my score.—Good master Fang,
-- 365 --
hold him sure:—good master Snare, let him not 'scape.
He comes continuantly to Pie-corner, (saving your manhoods)
to buy a saddle; and he's indited to dinner to
the lubbar's head in Lumbert-street, to master Smooth's
the silkman: I pray ye, since my exion is entered7 note,
and my case so openly known to the world, let him be
brought in to his answer. A hundred mark is a long
one for a poor lone woman to bear; 11Q0623 and I have borne,
and borne, and borne; and have been fubbed off, and
fubbed off, and fubbed off, from this day to that day,
that it is a shame to be thought on. There is no
honesty in such dealing, unless a woman should be
made an ass, and a beast, to bear every knave's
wrong.—
Enter Sir John Falstaff, Page, and Bardolph.
Yonder he comes; and that arrant malmsey-nose knave,
Bardolph, with him. Do your offices, do your offices,
master Fang and master Snare: do me, do me, do me
your offices.
Fal.
How now! whose mare's dead? what's the
matter?
Fang.
Sir John, I arrest you at the suit of mistress
Quickly.
Fal.
Away, varlets!—Draw, Bardolph: cut me off
the villain's head; throw the quean in the channel.
Host.
Throw me in the channel? I'll throw thee in
the channel8 note. Wilt thou? wilt thou? thou bastardly
rogue!—Murder, murder! O, thou honey-suckle villain!
wilt thou kill God's officers, and the king's? O,
thou honey-seed rogue! thou art a honey-seed; a man-queller,
and a woman-queller.
Fal.
Keep them off, Bardolph.
Fang.
A rescue! a rescue!
-- 366 --
Host.
Good people, bring a rescue or two.—Thou
wilt not? thou wilt not? do, do, thou rogue! do, thou
hemp-seed!
Fal.
Away, you scullion9 note! you rampallian! you fustilarian!
I'll tickle your catastrophe1 note.
Enter the Lord Chief Justice, attended.
Ch. Just.
What is the matter? keep the peace here,
ho!
Host.
Good my lord, be good to me! I beseech you,
stand to me!
Ch. Just.
How now, sir John! what, are you brawling here?
Doth this become your place, your time, and business?
You should have been well on your way to York.—
Stand from him, fellow: wherefore hang'st on him?
Host.
O! my most worshipful lord, an't please your
grace, I am a poor widow of Eastcheap, and he is
arrested at my suit.
Ch. Just.
For what sum?
Host.
It is more than for some, my lord; it is for all,
all I have. He hath eaten me out of house and home:
he hath put all my substance into that fat belly of his;
but I will have some of it out again, or I will ride thee
o' nights, like the mare.
Fal.
I think, I am as like to ride the mare2 note, if I have
any vantage of ground to get up.
Ch. Just.
How comes this, sir John? Fie! what
man of good temper would endure this tempest of
-- 367 --
exclamation? Are you not ashamed to enforce a poor
widow to so rough a course to come by her own?
Fal.
What is the gross sum that I owe thee?
Host.
Marry, if thou wert an honest man, thyself,
and the money too. Thou didst swear to me upon a
parcel-gilt goblet3 note, sitting in my Dolphin-chamber, at
the round table, by a sea-coal fire, upon Wednesday in
Whitsun week, when the prince broke thy head for
likening his father4 note to a singing-man of Windsor; thou
didst swear to me then, as I was washing thy wound,
to marry me, and make me my lady thy wife. Canst
thou deny it? Did not goodwife Keech, the butcher's
wife, come in then, and call me gossip Quickly?
coming in to borrow a mess of vinegar; telling us, she
had a good dish of prawns, whereby thou didst desire
to eat some, whereby I told thee, they were ill for a
green wound? And didst thou not, when she was gone
down stairs, desire me to be no more so familiarity5 note
with such poor people; saying, that ere long they should
call me madam? And didst thou not kiss me, and bid
me fetch thee thirty shillings? I put thee now to thy
book-oath: deny it, if thou canst.
Fal.
My lord, this is a poor mad soul; and she says,
up and down the town, that her eldest son is like you.
She hath been in good case, and the truth is, poverty
hath distracted her. But for these foolish officers, I
beseech you, I may have redress against them.
Ch. Just.
Sir John, sir John, I am well acquainted
with your manner of wrenching the true cause the
false way. It is not a confident brow, nor the throng
-- 368 --
of words that come with such more than impudent
sauciness from you, can thrust me from a level consideration;
you have, as it appears to me, practised upon
the easy-yielding spirit of this woman, and made her
serve your uses both in purse and person6 note.
Host.
Yes, in troth, my lord.
Ch. Just.
Pr'ythee, peace.—Pay her the debt you
owe her, and unpay the villainy you have done with
her: the one you may do with sterling money, and the
other with current repentance.
Fal.
My lord, I will not undergo this sneap7 note without
reply. You call honourable boldness, impudent sauciness:
if a man will make court'sy, and say nothing, he
is virtuous. No, my lord, my humble duty remember'd8 note,
I will not be your suitor: I say to you, I do
desire deliverance from these officers, being upon hasty
employment in the king's affairs.
Ch. Just.
You speak as having power to do wrong:
but answer in the effect of your reputation, and satisfy
the poor woman.
Fal.
Come hither, hostess.
[Taking her aside.
Enter Gower.
Ch. Just.
Now, master Gower! what news?
Gow.
The king, my lord, and Henry prince of Wales
Are near at hand: the rest the paper tells.
Fal.
As I am a gentleman.
Host.
Faith, you said so before.
Fal.
As I am a gentleman. Come, no more words
of it.
-- 369 --
Host.
By this heavenly ground I tread on, I must be
fain to pawn both my plate, and the tapestry of my
dining-chambers.
Fal.
Glasses, glasses, is the only drinking: and for
thy walls,—a pretty slight drollery, or the story of the
prodigal, or the German hunting in water-work9 note, is
worth a thousand of these bed hangings, and these fly
bitten tapestries. Let it be ten pound, if thou canst.
Come, an it were not for thy humours, there is not a
better wench in England. Go, wash thy face, and
draw thy action. Come, thou must not be in this
humour with me; dost not know me1 note? Come, come, I
know thou wast set on to this.
Host.
Pray thee, sir John, let it be but twenty
nobles; i' faith, I am loath to pawn my plate2 note, in good
earnest, la.
Fal.
Let it alone; I'll make other shift: you'll be a
fool still.
Host.
Well, you shall have it, though I pawn my
gown. I hope, you'll come to supper. You'll pay me
all together?
Fal.
Will I live?—Go, with her, with her; hook on,
hook on.
Host.
Will you have Doll Tear-sheet meet you at
supper?
Fal.
No more words: let's have her.
[Exeunt Hostess, Bardolph, Officers, and Page.
Ch. Just.
I have heard better news3 note.
Fal.
What's the news, my good lord?
Ch. Just.
Where lay the king last night?
-- 370 --
Gow.
At Basingstoke, my lord.
Fal.
I hope, my lord, all's well: what is the news,
my lord?
Ch. Just.
Come all his forces back?
Gow.
No; fifteen hundred foot, five hundred horse,
Are march'd up to my lord of Lancaster,
Against Northumberland, and the archbishop.
Fal.
Comes the king back from Wales, my noble
lord?
Ch. Just.
You shall have letters of me presently:
come, go along with me, good master Gower.
Fal.
My lord!
Ch. Just.
What's the matter?
Fal.
Master Gower, shall I entreat you with me to
dinner?
Gow.
I must wait upon my good lord here: I thank
you, good sir John.
Ch. Just.
Sir John, you loiter here too long, being
you are to take soldiers up in counties as you go4 note.
Fal.
Will you sup with me, master Gower?
Ch. Just.
What foolish master taught you these
manners, sir John?
Fal.
Master Gower, if they become me not, he was
a fool that taught them me.—This is the right fencing
grace, my lord; tap for tap, and so part fair.
Ch. Just.
Now, the Lord lighten thee! thou art a
great fool.
[Exeunt.
J. Payne Collier [1842–1844], The works of William Shakespeare. The text formed from an entirely new collation of the old editions: with the various readings, notes, a life of the poet, and a history of the Early English stage. By J. Payne Collier, Esq. F.S.A. In eight volumes (Whittaker & Co. [etc.], London) [word count] [S10101].
