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There was another gentleman
in town, who had &longs;ome preten&longs;ions
to the character of a phy&longs;ician: even the
&longs;ame preten&longs;ions with the crowned heads
of Europe, to their wi&longs;dom, power, and
greatne&longs;s. He derived it from his birth;
for he was the &longs;eventh &longs;on of a &longs;eventh
&longs;on, and his mother was a doctre&longs;s. He
did not indeed bear the name or rank,
but I remember him with the learned;
as he was &longs;ometimes called to vi&longs;it a patient,
at that critical, intere&longs;ting period,

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when the other phy&longs;icians had given him
over; but his ordinary practice lay wholly
among &longs;heep, hor&longs;es, and cattle. He
al&longs;o could boa&longs;t of a&longs;toni&longs;hing &longs;ucce&longs;s, and
was as proud and opinionated as the be&longs;t
of them; and, for aught I know, it was as
in&longs;tructive to hear him talk of his ringtones,
wind galls, and &longs;pavins, as to hear our
fir&longs;t phy&longs;ician de&longs;eant upon his paroxy&longs;ms
and peripneumony.

Being &longs;ent for, one day, to attend a man
who&longs;e leg was &longs;aid to be broken, by a fall
from a frame at a rai&longs;ing, I found, upon
my arrival at the patient's, that a brother
of the faculty, from the vicinity, had arrived
before me, and completed the operation.
He was celebrated for his &longs;kill in
de&longs;perateca&longs;es; and univer&longs;ally allowed to
be a man of learning. He had pre&longs;cribed
a gill of burnt brandy, with a pepper pod
in it, to keep up the patient's &longs;pirits, under
the operation, and took another himself,
to keep his hand &longs;teady. He

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splintered the fractured limb, with the bone of
two pair of old fa&longs;hioned &longs;tays, he had
cau&longs;ed to be ript to pieces and bound
round the leg, with all the garters in the
neighbourhood. He bowed gracefully, as
I entered, and regretted extremely that he
had not my a&longs;&longs;i&longs;tance in &longs;etting the bones;
and with a loud voice, and the mo&longs;t unparalleled
a&longs;&longs;urance, began to lay the ca&longs;e
before me, and amplify the operation he
had performed. Sir, &longs;aid he, when I came
to view the patient, I had little hopes of
&longs;aving his life. I found the two le&longs;&longs;er
bones of the leg, the mu&longs;a and the tri&longs;tis
&longs;hivered into a thou&longs;and &longs;plinters. While
the larger bone, the ambobus, had happily
e&longs;caped unhurt. Perceiving I could
&longs;carce refrain from laughing, and was about
to &longs;peak; &longs;ir, &longs;aid he, winking upon
me, I perceive you are one of us men of
&longs;cience, and I wi&longs;h you to &longs;u&longs;pend your
opinion, until a private con&longs;ultation; le&longs;t
our conver&longs;ation may alarm the patient

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too much, for you know, as the learned
Galen ob&longs;erves,


Omne quod exit in Hum, Græcum, five Latinum
E&longs;&longs;e genus neutrum, &longs;ic invariabile nomen.
By the way, nurse,the&longs;e learned languages
are apt to make the profe&longs;&longs;ors of them very
thir&longs;ty. While the toddy was making,
he proceeded. When I pondered this perilous,
piteous, pertinacious, pe&longs;tiferous,
petrifying ca&longs;e, I immediately thought of
the directions of the learned doctors Hudibras
and Mc'Fingal, not forgetting, as
the wound was on the leg, the great
Crook&longs;hank's church hi&longs;tory. When we
had drunk our liquor, of which he took
four fifths, by his direction a new mug
was made a little &longs;tronger, and we retired
to our con&longs;ultation.

I am much obliged to you, &longs;aid he, for
not di&longs;covering my ignorance, to the&longs;e
people; though, it is ten to one, if I had
not rather convinced the blockheads of

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yours, if you had attempted it. A regular
bred phy&longs;ician, &longs;ometime &longs;ince, attempted
this. He declared, over the &longs;ick
man's bed, that I was ignorant, and presuming.
I replied that he was a quack; and
offered to leave our preten&longs;ions to knowledge,
to the company, which con&longs;i&longs;ted of
a midwife, two experienced nur&longs;es, and
&longs;ome others, not &longs;o eminent for learning.
He quoted Cullen and Che&longs;&longs;elden; and I
Tully and Virgil. Until at length, when
I had nearly exhau&longs;ted my &longs;tock of cant
phra&longs;es, and he was gaining the attention
of our judges, I luckily bethought
me of Lilly's Grammar. I began Propria
quæ maribus; and before I had got twenty
lines, the opinion of the audience was apparently
in my favour. They judged
naturally enough, that I was the mo&longs;t
learned man, becau&longs;e the mo&longs;t unintelligible.
This rai&longs;ed the doctor's ire &longs;o much
that from di&longs;puting me, he began to berate
them for a parcel of fools, &longs;ots, and

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old women, to put their lives in the hands
of &longs;uch an ignoramus as me. This quickly
decided the conte&longs;t in my favour. The
old nur&longs;es rai&longs;ed their voices, the midwife
her broom &longs;tick, and the whole
train of mob caped judges, their &longs;kinny
fi&longs;ts, and we drove him out of the hou&longs;e
in triumph. Our victory was &longs;o complete,
that, in the military &longs;tile, we did not
allow him to remain on the field to bury
his dead.

But it is time to tell you who I am.
Sir, I drink your health. In brief, &longs;ir, I
am the &longs;on of a re&longs;pectable clergyman,
received a college education, entered into
merchandize, failed, and, by a train of
misfortunes, was obliged to commence
doctor, for &longs;u&longs;tenance. I &longs;ettled my&longs;elf
in this back country. At fir&longs;t I was applied
to chiefly, in de&longs;perate ca&longs;es; where
no reputation is lo&longs;t, if the patient dies,
and much gained, if he recovers. I have
performed &longs;ome &longs;urpri&longs;ing cures; but

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how I cannot tell you, except it was by
allowing my patients &longs;mall beer, or any
thing el&longs;e they hankered after, which I
have heard was &longs;ometimes efficacious, in
the cri&longs;is of a fever. But talking of drink,
&longs;ir, I wi&longs;h your health. I believe I have
never injured any per&longs;ons, by my prescriptions.
As powdered, burnt cru&longs;t,
chalk, and juice of beets and carrots are
my mo&longs;t powerful medicines. We can
be of mutual &longs;ervice to each other; nur&longs;e,
another mug. We doctors find this a
very difficult ca&longs;e. As I have borne
down the&longs;e country quacks, by &longs;uperiour
effrontery, I can recommend you to full
practice. I will call you to con&longs;ult with
me, in difficult ca&longs;es; for, as I was &longs;aying,
&longs;ir, I wi&longs;h your good health, mine are all
difficult ca&longs;es; and you, in return, &longs;hall
lend me books, and give me &longs;uch instructions
as will enable me to do good, as well
as get &longs;ame and bread. The propo&longs;al
was rea&longs;onable. I clo&longs;ed with it. He

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emptied the third mug, and we returned
to our patient. When the dre&longs;&longs;ings were
removed, I di&longs;covered that there was not
the &longs;lighte&longs;t fracture of the fibula or tibia;
but only a &longs;light contu&longs;ion on the patula,
which would perhaps not have alarmed
any other per&longs;on, but our patient,
who was a rich old bachelor. I recommended
an emollient, which my learned
brother acquie&longs;ced in, &longs;aying, with his usual
air, that it was the very application he
intended, having applied the garters
and whalebone, merely to concoct the
tri&longs;tis, the mu&longs;a and the ambobus firmly
together.

A young girl, at the door, &longs;hewed him
a wound on her elbow, which &longs;he had received
in &longs;truggling about red ears at a
hu&longs;king; which he gravely pronounced
to be a fi&longs;tula in ano. This gentleman
is really a man of abilities; has &longs;ince
made valuable acquirements in the knowledge
of the human machine, and the

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materia medica. If he could be led to substitute
the aquatic draughts of Doctor
Sangrado, as a &longs;uccedaneum for the diffusible
&longs;timuli of Brown, he would become
u&longs;eful in the faculty, and yet &longs;ee
happy days.

The doctor kept his word. He read
my books, received my in&longs;tructions, and
recommended me to his patients. But,
as I copied my preceptor, in the simplicity
of my language I never attempted to
excite the fear of my patients, to magnify
my &longs;kill; and could not reduce three fractured
bones in a limb, which contained
but two. My advice was little attended to,
except when backed with that of my pupil,
accompanied with frequent quotations
from Lilly. He obtained all the credit
of our &longs;ucce&longs;s; and the people generally
&longs;uppo&longs;ed me a young man of moderate
talents, whom the learned doctor might
make &longs;omething of, in a cour&longs;e of years.

p407-153

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