Castlist

Dramatis Personæ.

Octavius Cæsar [Octavius Caesar]	Miss F. WRIGHT.
Lepidus [Lepidus]	Mr. COMPTON.
Marc Antony [Mark Antony]	Mr. CHAS. MATTHEWS.
Pompey [Sextus Pompeius]	Mr. ROGERS.
Gracchus	Miss MARIE SIDNEY.
Eros	(Antony's Valet)	Miss HILL.
Cæsarion [Caesarion]	(Cleopatra's Son, aged 7)
Cleopatra	Mrs. CHAS. MATTHEWS.
Octavia	(Cæsar's Sister)	Mr. CLARK.
Charmian	(Cleopatra's Lady's Maid)	Miss COLEMAN

SCENE 1st.—EGYPT. EXTERIOR OF CLEOPATRA'S PALACE. View of the Back Door. (Painted by O'Connor.) SCENE 2nd.—THE EGYPTIAN HALL. (Painted by O' Connor.) SCENE 3rd.—ROME. CÆSAR'S RECEPTION ROOM. (Painted by Morris.) SCENE 4th.—EGYPT. THE MONUMENT. (Painted by Morris) First produced at the Theatre Royal, Haymarket, under the Management of Mr. J. B. Buckstone, November 21st, 1866.

ANTONY AND CLEOPATRA; OR, HIS-TORY AND HER-STORY IN A NOVEL NILO-METRE. Scene I. —Exterior of Cleopatra's Palace—View of the Back Door. Door C. Enter Lepidus, L.H., as if from travelling, with small portmanteau.

Lepi
Fresh from the road I come, my way unravelling,
Well, I am anything but fresh from travelling.
To ride on camels, till one's things smell camel-ly,
That's nice for me, the father of a family:
Since, Lepidus, this with your guide-book tallies,
'Tis the back-door of Cleopatra's Palace.
That Cæsar's an unconscionable dog
Sending me here to Antony, incog.
My mission's this to Antony, to catch him,
And then from Cleopatra's chain detatch him.
'Tis Cæsar's policy to sow dissension
Through me, while he adopts non-intervention.
But first to get within the Palace; how?
I'll take what means will make the slightest row.
Now for some crafty dodge! (Thinks.) Let's see—the thing—
Would be—(thinks)—No. Yes—that's good—I'll knock and ring.
Invention never fails me on occasion (rings and knocks).

Charmian (within).
Who's there?

Lepi
That question needs deliberation. (Charmian opens door.)

Char
A man! What is your name?

Lepi
My name is Norval
Upon the Grampian Hills—

Char
Oh don't—that's awful!

Lepi
If you don't like my style of declamation
You are deficient in appreciation,
And I may add, that I've no hesitation
In saying your taste lacks cultivation.
However damsel, as you've rightly guessed,
My name's not Norval: let the matter rest.
On the portmanteau, which I've travelled with,
You'll find the simple classic name of Smith.
Don't fear me, I'm a lamb; bar speaking lambily—

Char
Sir!

Lepi
  Do not shun the father of a family.
And what's your name my dear, if all the same
To you?

Char
I'm Charmian.

Lepi
What a Charmian name! (Enter Eros, C. between them).

Eros
What's this! Ah Lepidus! my brow goes clammily.

Lepi
Can you suspect the father of a family?
Fair girl, you won't permit a hint to fall
Of my arrival here.

Char
Oh! not at all.
My lips are sealed.

Lepi
  They are (Lepidus kisses her) a very fresh'un.

Char (shaking off Eros who has tried to stop her).
Nonsense. (to Lepidus) Your seal has made a good impression. [Exit.

Lepi (with dignity to Eros, who is about to remonstrate)
The father of a family has got
The right to do what bachelors have not.
To bus'ness. With Marc Antony how goes it?

Eros
He is infatuated, and she knows it.

Lepi
She, meaning Cleopatra.

Eros
Yes, he's set
His heart upon her.

Lepi
Tell me how they met.

Eros
I will: And first then you must know that Marc
Met Cleopatra driving in the park.
The trap she sat in, like the Sun-God's car,
Shone in the drive, the seats were damask white,
Tawny the rugs, and all so scented, that
The swells sniffed curiously. Her whip of silver,
Half parasol, which dared the sun; and flicked
The ponies, which she beat to trot the faster,
As amorous of her lash. For her own person
It beggared all description; she reclined
Upon those cushions I've described before,
And high in front, and round, rose dangerous waves
Of foaming frothy muslin petticoats,
Art's fancy outworks: in the seat behind her
Sat two quick natty boys, like perky Cupids,
With white pipe'd breeches and pale salmon tops,
To guard whose knees a pretty oilskin apron
They both undid and did.

Lepi
O rare for Antony!

Eros
And when she'd passed, young Egypt at the rails
Look'd in each other's eyes, then after her,
Then gazed about at—well, they knew not what,
As dazed as is the poor unlatch-key'd husband
After a late carousal, when his spouse,
Candle in hand, unchains the guardian door;
So they: so Antony: who whipped and spurred
Up to her side, and whip-spered in her ear
Soft nothings, which, though nothing in themselves,
Lead oft—

Lepi
Sir, I'm the father of a family.
Never could Tony pretty woman's lip shun,
No wonder he was caught by this Egyptian.
Cæsar has touched him up, though, in this letter,
Antony's old enough to know much better.
This letter's from Octavia to my crony,
“Which,” she said, “please to give to dearest Tony.”

Eros
Then before Cleopatra do not show it.

Lepi
I don't intend to do so, if I know it.
For she might show me, were I in her way,
‘Bits of old Paris’ as the playbills say,
Which phrase explained by girl with anger pale,
Bears on its face the marks of Toùr de nail.
Therefore I'll in, unpack my brush and comb—
A luxury to me since I left Rome—
Then say I'm here.

Eros
And they'll say ‘not at home.’

Lepi
Then manage to convey me to some place,
Where I can speak with Tony face to face,
When Cleopatra's out, and there's no visitor.
Be my conveyancer, I'm your solicitor.

Eros
First wipe your sandals on the fibre mattin!

Lepi (à la Dr. Pangloss)
As I'm a Roman I may speak in Latin.
I like, you like, a mat, I'll teach you that
In Latin 'tis, amo, amas, a mat.

Eros
You will be heard if on the mat you chatter.

Lepi
Stop! (just going in) The mat-maker's name?

Eros (surlily)
Don't know.

Lepi
No matter.

Eros
Come, take a morning's dram.

Lepi (indignantly)
Get courage dram-ily!
Young man respect the father of a family. (Exit into palace, after pushing aside Eros, who then follows him in. The door is closed.) Scene II. —Interior of Cleopatra's Palace. Sphinxes support the roof. Steps lead up to a terrace at back. Beyond the terrace is water. Distant view. The Palace is full of exotics. Antony is discovered seated in his dressing-gown at a small table sipping chocolate.

Delightful place this Egypt is! quite charming
So hot, the way one drinks is too alarming.
Various iced liquids one's parched lips entices,
No wonder the Egyptians worship Isis.

So I go on till everyone thinks me
Cool as a cucumber's supposed to be.
Cool as a native here, and they p'raps iced are.
Iced natives—that means, cool as is an hyster!
I'm glad that I am not in Rome just now—
I think they're going to have a jolly row.
Rome in the summer months is so unhealthy,
And every one, who's moderately wealthy,
Goes off to somewhere else for the vacation,
And I to Egypt: that's my explanation
Of why I'm in my present situation;
I'm also finishing my education.
How very few there are would have suspected
My education to have been neglected.
And yet it was in languages—for they
Taught me Egyptian—only in a way.
Oh I could read, and write it like a scholar,
But when Egyptian's talked I could'nt follow.
And as to answering them when they asked
A question—then my powers were overtasked:
And so to get the right pronunciation,
I took advantage of the first occasion
Which brought me here to Egypt, where I've been
For three weeks stopping now with Egypt's Queen.
I at the language each day take a spell,
And I'm progressing moderately well;
The folks are very right, I find, in saying
That there is nothing that can equal staying
In a nice native family as this is,
To learn a language—teaching by the Missis
The Egyptian language one rather wishes
Had fewer of these birds, and beasts, and fishes.
Ideas drawn on walls by stupid niggers,
Which bother one, for I'm no hand at figures,
Excepting such a one as now I see, (Enter Charmian R., down L.)
A waist is never thrown away on me— (Eros enters and raps at Sphinx's door, where Lepidus is hidden.)
A pretty waist is every thing I care for,

And waist not, want not, is my motto therefore.
So Charlotte—

Char
No, indeed, sir, I am not.

Anto
Not Charlotte—no of course some other lot

Char
Try Char—

Anto
Ah, char-woman

Char
No, Charmian,

Anto
True.
Well, you're a pretty little creature too.

Char
Sir—

Anto
Antony

Char
Sir Antony,

Lepi (concealed in the Sphinx L.C.)
Sir Antony, fie.

Anto
Who says fie?

Lepi (looking out of Sphinx)
Why,
I say fie,
With my little eye,
And I say fie.

Anto (startled, but seeing Eros)
That voice! T'was you. I know the rascal drinks.
What do you mean by—

Lepi
No, t'was I.

All
The Sphinx.

Anto (chord)
The talking Sphinx, secreted in the wall!
She's making free with my Egyptian Hall.

Lepi (solemnly)
I am the Ghost of the first great Sesostris.

Anto
A ghost! get out, you're more like an impostress.

Lepi
I have a secret; let the public go.

Anto
Ladies and gents this finishes the show.
Encourage the performance, and we may again
In half an hour, or a quarter, play again.
Tell 'em outside you're pleased, and get out quick. (Exeunt Eros, Charmian, and slaves R & L.)

Lepi
Now shall I tell you how I do the trick?

Anto
You come down here, my friend, and I'll explain
To you how not to do the trick again. (Lepidus comes out and descends.)
Lepidus! crammed in there?

Lepi
Yes, very crammily.
Delightful! for the father of a family.

Anto
Well, how d'ye do? Except Octavius C.
Of all men else I'd have avoided thee. (Enter dark slave bearing drinks)

Lepi
This is th' original Egyptian Hall,
You said just now? That person in a shawl,
I say, who's she?

Anto (to slave)
There, you may put it down,
This the Egyptian Hall, that Mrs. Brown. (Exit slave R.

Lepi
To business, Antony.

Anto
Sit down.

Lepi
I'm here
On your account.

Anto
On my account, that's queer:
Something gone wrong then with my banker?

Lepi
No.
The Roman funds just now, are rather low,
And Roman Consuls, two-three-quarters, frisky,
Railway debentures are a little risky,
The bullion operations, too, excite
No public interest.

Anto
And they pay none—

Lepi
Right.
No, it is not for that your friend desponds—

Anto
For what then?

Lepi
Why, for your Egyptian Bonds.

Anto
My dear sir, cent per cent, the thing's immense.
You'd venture in if you'd got any sense.

Lepi
You're jesting, Antony; your friends all wish you
To bring these bonds to a successful issue.
Why are you here?

Anto
What can that be to you?
To get up the Egyptian language.

Lepi
Pooh!
Emphatically pooh! you'd get on faster
At home in a few lessons from a master.

Anto
Well, I've a master here.

Lepi
Yes, you have got
A master—but a master she is not.
Now why aren't you in Rome?

Anto
It must be clear,
That I am not in Rome because I'm here.

Lepi
Paltry evasion! you desert your home.
Why are you here?

Anto
Because I'm not in Rome.

Lepi
Rome would go to the dogs—I won't be nice—

Anto
You can't—

Lepi
  The dogs sir; but for my advice—

Anto
By your advice? 'Tis not the first time, then,
The geese have saved the city.

Lepi
Tony! when,
You mention “geese,” do you to me allude?

Anto
You can't imagine I should be so rude.
“Geese” my dear boy's the plural number: you
Are singular, and very sing'lar too.

Lepi
What! have I travelled all this way to be
Laughed at!

Anto
It seems ridiculous to me
To come for that, as far as here from Rome,
When the same object you'd have gained at home.
Let's change the subject. What's the latest scandal—
Has Cæsar's wife yet given any handle?

Lepi
Sir, as the father of a—

Anto
Bosh! (is drinking his chocolate and winks at him) My cup to you.

Lepi (horrified)
Bosh! (solemnly) all look up to me.

Anto (laughingly)
Don't I look “up to you?”
More news: the Coliseum, what's it doing?

Lepi
It's been shut up for years, it's quite a ruin.

Anto
The Coliseum shut! could nothing save,
The Panorama, the stalactite cave,
The shower-bathic falls! the silly châlet
That faced the mock-work rock-work in the valley,
The ascending room—

Lepi
I've nothing more to tell.

Anto
Scenes of my early childhood, fare you well!

Lepi
Do not give way.

Anto
And Pompey?

Lepi
Getting wildish!
He is again in arms,

Anto
In arms! he's childish.

Lepi
He's all at sea, and Cæsar's very grumpy,
Pompey fights us by water.

Anto
Oh! poor Pumpey.

Lepi (giving Antony a letter which Antony pockets)
This is from Cæsar; this— (holding up another)

Anto
I don't like guessing, (takes it)
Aha! I see, a lady's hand, marked pressing. (pockets it)

Lepi
It's from Octavia (chord)

Anto (sings the octave up)
Octavia!

Lepi (sings the octave down)
Octavia!
That's native talent;

Anto
Is that so indeed?
No wonder then that it does not succeed.

Lepi
You've got to wed Octavia,

Anto
Ah! I thought
That I had promised something of the sort.
She's Cæsar's sister—yes, it's very true,
'Twould be the sort of thing I ought to do;
Here the establishment is too extensive,
And Cleopatra's getting so expensive;
Then everything she wants I have to buy,
And she herself has drained the Nile Bank dry.
Ex Nilo nihil fit (aside to audience) which means, I think,
English'd—Ex Thames-o-nihil fit to drink.

Lepi
If Pompey is successful Cæsar will
Join him, expatriate us, and sack the till—
That coalition, Antony, must smash us.

Anto
Of course I see it—Cæsar-Pompey-Crashus. (rings bell, enter Eros)
Yes! I'll cut everything—to Rome repair,
And cut this very mild Egyptian air;
Pack up my bag, my comb and brush—I am a
Resolute chap. Put up a Latin Grammar.
I've been so long
On the Continong,
I've quite forgotten my native tongue.

Eros
Which Latin Grammar for you shall I get?

Anto
Is'nt that much-vexed question settled yet?

Lepi
Pack up the Eton Grammar—verbum sat.

Anto
Eton! we most of us have swallowed that.
Now, Eros, smart's the word. (shout without—Music).

Eros
It must be smarterer.

Lepi
That's wrong! (to Eros)

Anto (in consternation)
All wrong! oh!

Crowd (without)
Long live Cleopatra!

Anto
She comes! she must'nt see you,

Lepi
Eh! then! where
Can I secrete myself?

Eros (opening Sphinx's door)
This Sphinx.

Anto
In there;
This will amuse you (giving him newspaper) read it.

Lepi (looking in)
An infernal
Black hole.

Anto
Here take the daily Memphis journal,—

Lepi
I can make nothing of it—

Anto
That's not new,
All its proprietors have said so too.
Walk up, walk up, be quieter I beg.

Lepi (In Sphinx)
Oh! here's a something crawling up my leg.

Anto
It is a scarabæus—

Lepi
What's that?

Anto
Oh!
A queer Egyptian beetle, don't you know.
Yes, these old houses swarm with them at night,
If you don't irritate him he wont bite.

Lepi
I hate black beetles.

Anto
Well! you can begin,
And kill a lot of them—quick, shut him in.

Lepi
But— (Eros shuts him in—Antony sits at table with his book.) (Music—Cleopatra's attendants appear at back—Cheers— then Cleopatra drives in in an elegant poney carriage— two little grooms sitting behind—they jump down and run to the ponies' heads—Antony sits quietly reading— Charmian and Eros assist Cleopatra—by Cleopatra's side sits little Cæsarion, her child, very fashionably dressed—Charmian brings in a cage—In the carriage is a lap-dog, and a parrot, canary, and monkey—The parrot is put in a cage immediately, and Cæsarion surreptitiously teases it).

Cleo
Gently now, gently. Let that grey alone,
Now, look out, mind their heads! or mind your own.
Char, take the lap-dog out; poor little Phary! (screaming)
Don't let the monkey get at the canary! (to grooms)
Chop up and give the tits a nice fresh carrot. (sees Cæsarion teasing the parrot)
Cæsarion, don't you dare to touch that parrot. (to Eros)
Bring me some sparkling something in a cup. (Eros and Charmian assist her.)
Who's seen my monkey?

Char
Ma'am it is put up.

Cleo
I'll feel a little better when I've quaffed
My new invented drink.

Char
That costly draught,
A pearl dissolved in wine. (Cleopatra takes off a pearl and puts it in the cup—Antony puts his hands in his pockets, and goes on reading.)

Cleo
Yes. Fill up, girl.
Moderns will call this drink—The early Purl. (Cæsarion tickles Antony, who turns upon him annoyed.)

Anto
Confound—

Cleo (reprovingly)
My dear! (Cæsarion blows a trumpet in Antony's ear.)

Anto
Do make him stop his noise.

Cleo (proudly and fondly looking at Cæsarion)
So fond of music too. (Cæsarion makes a face at her behind her back.)
Boys will be boys.

Anto
I'd make 'em girls till they are twenty. (To Eros.) Claret! (Eros fills for Antony.)

Cleo (sharply)
Cæsarion! did I say don't touch that parrot?
Antony, pray, is this the way you treat me?
Why didn't you at first jump up to meet me?

Anto
For jumping, dear, the weather isn't made:
Over a hundred something in the shade.

Cleo
There's no sun here.

(Cæsarion pulls Antony's hair.)

Anto
Confound it!

Cleo
Do not storm.

Anto
A little son can make one very warm.

Cleo
Once though for me, e'en in the height of noon,
You would have stirred.

Anto
But then I was a spoon— (Antony looks at her.)

Cleo
Well, what's the matter?

Anto
Why it's very strange,
But in your hair, don't I observe some change?
I know it is a little rude to stare.

Cleo
The fashion Antony. I've blanched my hair;
'Tis dyed. That fact, before them, don't remark.

Anto
You've made it light, and wish to keep it dark. (aside)
I mustn't quarrel. (Aloud) Well, I hope you found
The usual pleasure, on the usual ground.

Cleo
Fifteen times round the drive and up and down,
I saw I think there everyone in town.
And then I walked and made equestrians stare,
And then I lounged ten minutes in a chair,
And in the row I sat returning bobs—

Anto
Giving back shillings?

Cleo
No, the nods of nobs.
I saw sleek clergy on their sleeker cobs,
And horse-police removing reckless snobs. (To Cæsarion)
I'll lock you up, Cæsarion, in a garret,
If you do dare again to touch that parrot. (To Antony)
Why don't you talk a bit? what makes you solemn? (Looking over his shoulder)
Egyptian before breakfast, in one vollum.
The language bothers you.

Anto
Well, just a leetle.
Now here's (shewing her the book which is full of hieroglyphics) a cow, a dickey-bird, and beetle.

Cleo
But why are you so cold and so unkind,
You've nothing on what you may call your mind,
Have you? (to Cæsarion who suddenly breaks the cage.)
Bad child! to break those perches! odd—

Three perches more than justify one rod.
Take him away. (Exit Charmian with Cæsarion.)

Anto
At last my mind is eased.

Cleo
He's not your boy, and so of course you're pleased;
Put down that book, your brains are getting muddy,
D'you want Egyptian characters to study?

Anto (beginning to read again, provokingly cool.)

Cleo (snatching the book away impatiently.)
  For if Egyptian character you need,
Here's one whom you'll find mighty hard to read.
I change from fair into a storm terrific—
In fact I'm an Egyptian Hieroglyphic.
Make a shot at my meaning. You've an eye for me—
Riddle me, riddle me-ree, you can't decipher me.
Who can—'praps Mr. Layard were he near.
But you're not master, no, nor La-ird here. (suddenly changing.)
Forgive me, I won't stand upon my rights (she sits down and coaxes Antony.)

Lepi (suddenly appearing out of the Sphinx—aside.)
If I could fish, I've had such lots of bites,
Strange things come up to look at us, and see us, (exhibits a great beetle)
And this is what they call a scarabæus. (Enter Eros, with bag and umbrella, crossing from L to R— when he's not looking Lepidus puts the scarabœus in it and disappears; Eros places it with bag, ready for Antony to take. Exit Eros.)

Cleo (seeing bag)
What's that?

Anto
Ahem! 'tis time for me to go (Giving her Cæsar's letter.)
To Rome.

Cleo
To Rome!

Cleo
On business.

Cleo
Oh! no, no, no, (looking at book)
This was the hieroglyphic then!

Anto (aside)
Egad! (aloud) Pshaw!
A monthly number.

Cleo
The Egyptian Bradshaw!
To Rome! (meditating.)

Anto
Two thirty.

Cleo
Don't go, don't be naughty (he points to the book, she screams out.)
Two thirty!

Anto
Hush!

Cleo
You think this strain's too forté, (Tenderly)
Tony, you'll stay with your own love and Queen here?

Anto
My dear, I have done nothing since I've been here.

Cleo
A happy lot.

Anto
Wrong reasoning you've got.
To none can “nothing” ever be “a lot.” (confused)
I've been here such a time; I, in reality,
Can't trespass longer on your hospitality.
I have enjoyed myself immensely (going).

Cleo (coldly)
Oh!

Anto (hurriedly)
And I am sorry to be forced to go.

Cleo (politely)
I fear your bag your onward walk retards.

Anto
I'd like a porter.

Cleo
Let me call my guards— (Claps her hands, and enter R and L guards.)

Anto
Ass-yrian Blues and Black Guards.

Cleo
No, dark knights.
All of the chosen corps of Ninny-vites.
A guard of honour for you.

Anto
Thanks, my pet.

Cleo
You may withdraw; he isn't going yet. (exeunt guards.) (reading letter which Antony has given her)
Cæsar “commands” you, does he? Who is Cæsar?
To write to you? I'd give him such a teaser.
I see 'tis worded “we” command you; “we,” sir.
Oh! “we” sounds big, yet we is wee! he'd see
If I'd his ear, how he'd cry wee—wee—wee!
Cæsar! a little boy but scarcely reared,
A Downy card, without moustache or beard,
'Twill shame you, Antony, to think you've feared him;
The boy'd be very glad to let you beard him,
A warrior like you, and curry favour

With one who is not even a young shaver.
Tony, who stoops to neither King nor Kaiser,
Cringe to Octavius—Och!-tavius Saysar!
Bedad! excuse my getting hot and fireish,
Excitement often runs me into Irish.
There's some connexion can be traced in full
'Twixt the Assyrian and the Irish Bull.

Anto
But, Cleopatra, I do not see why— (She prepares for tears.)
That settles it at once; she's going to cry.
I will not go to Rome.

Cleo
Then I can smile.

Anto (aside)
I've stopped the overflowing of the Nile. (They embrace, and she picks his pocket of Octavia's letter.)

Cleo (playfully)
What's this? (Less playfully) Another letter?

Anto (aside)
Oh! the deuce!
I don't know what to say for an excuse.

Cleo
Who is it from?

Anto (embarrassed)
My tailor.

Cleo (aside)
Oh! that's clever! (Aloud)
You seem embarrassed.

Anto
Yes, I am; whenever
I have a letter from my tailor: it
Is for this gown. (Aside) I feel I'll have a fit.

Cleo
“My very dearest Antony”—you hear
His style?

Anto
This style: my tailor's very dear.

Cleo
“I've always smiled upon your suit—”

Anto
Look there!
All about clothes.

Cleo
“One button I don't care.” (sternly)
One button?

Anto
Yes, I can't explain—

Cleo
Behaviour,
Most odd. How does he sign himself? (reads it)
“Octavia!” (chord)
A tailor sir? this looks more like a milliner,
Whoe'er she be I've serious thoughts of killin' her.

Anto
It's Cæsar's sister.

Cleo
Oh! it's Cæsar's sister.
I dare say now you've very often kissed her?
You're a nice gentleman, upon my word;
Of this young lady I have never heard.
So! it is all arranged, as I infer
From this, that you're to go and marry her.
Not if I know it. Who is this Octavia?
What! is her hair than mine a whit more wavy-er?
And have her honied lips a sweeter flaviour?
Has she more land in Biscay or Batavia,
Has she more wealth in Italy, in Pavia,
Than I in India, Africa, Moravia?
Can she cook dishes for you which are gravyer
Than I prepare? Has she a greater navy, a
Larger or better army in Moldavia,
Than I? Or, p'raps to gain young Cæsar's faviour,
You've grown from bad to worse, from knave to knavier,
And slighted Cleopatra for Octavia!

Anto
Madam! I'll not be bullied. I'll be plucky. (Lepidus appears, but on Cleopatra turning, he quickly disappears.) (aside)
Lepidus! Ha! a thought—by all that's lucky—
I'll turn the tables. (aloud) If I am not true
To you, I've but to say I've followed you.
You say I'm false to you; well, let us see
If you are not this minute false to me.
Suppose, I say, that where we have been seated,
Here, in this room, a lover is secreted.

Cleo
Here, Charmian? (Enter Charmian, Eros, and others R. and L. suddenly.) (to the waiting girls)
You dark-looking little creoles,
I think you've all been listening at the keyholes.

Char (Candidly.)
Yes'm. He said—

Cleo
You know. I want no more.

Anto
Everyone knows the Sphinx's secret door.

Cleo
Then if I'd got a beau hid there, should I
Order my men to let their arrows fly?
I'd let the arrer go; I'm not the rogue
To hide a lover like Ar-rah-na-Pogue.

Anto
You talk, but you won't do it.

Cleo
Oh! I won't!
Make ready! there! present! one! two!

Lepi (suddenly appearing)
Oh! don't (chord)

All
A man.

Lepi
I'll slam the door, and close it slammily; (Comes down, they aim at him.)
Don't fire at the father of a family.
Oh, the black beetles in that horrid place!

Cleo
I've never seen this ugly fellow's face. (Music from here up to the end.)
Can such a thing as that two lovers sever

Anto
Back, madam! I must cast you off for ever. (To Eros)
The boat! (to Cleo) I leave you with your gay Lothario,
And out of window jump, like Signor Mario,
When in the Huguenots he plays Raoul.

Lepi
Yes, but you leave me here to play the fool.

Char
No; bear it like a lamb, and stop here lamb-ily.

Lepi
Stop here? What I! the father of a family?

Cleo (distracted)
Tony! I do not care for him, I vow.

Lepi
Hear! hear!

Cleo
Or could I do as I do now.
Seize him! (guards seize Lepidus.)

Lepi
What means this sudden resolution?

Cleo
Take off that gentleman to execution.

Lepi
Me! Lepidus!

Cleo
Oh, that's your name, sir, is it?

Anto
Ta, ta, my boy, I hope you'll like your visit.

Cleo
He'll find in Egypt's Queen no gentle shepherdess,
For we will play the Tigress to his Leopardess.

Air.—“Bu qui s'avance.”

Anto
  An-to-nee, Tony, Tony,
        -nee Tony, Tony,
        -nee Tony, Tony,
  I must go away,

All
  You shall not go away.

Anto
  Off gallop like a pony,
      -lop like a pony,
      -lop like a pony,
  I must go, I say,

All
  No, he shall not, we say.

Cleo
  You are the only chap,
  For whom I care a rap,
  And you would leave, naughty Tony
        -leave, naughty Tony,
        -leave, naughty Tony,
  Nothing worse can hap-
  -pen, nothing worse can hap.

Lepi
  Lepidus you abandon
    -dus you abandon,
    -dus you abandon,
  Me they're sure to stick.

All
  Yes, you, We sure to stick.
  Yes, you They're sure to stick.

Lepi
  Ce-re-mo-ny do stand on,
      -mo-ny do stand on,
      -mo-ny do stand on,
  Or all's over quick.

All
  All will be over quick.

Lepi
  I am the father of a family, you know,
        I'm the father of a fam'ly,
        -ther of a fam'ly,
        -ther of a fam'ly,
        And to them I'd go,
        Yes! I would to them go.

Cleo
  Bosh! stuff! I'm Cleopatra,
        I'm Cleopatra,
        I'm Cleopatra,
  You shan't go to Rome.

All
  He shall not go to Rome.

Anto
  Than most Tarters, you are Tart'rer
        -ters, you are Tart'rer
        -ters, you are Tart'rer.
  Ta! Ta! Do not foam.

All
Yes, Ta! Ta! Do not foam.

Anto
  It grieves me, of course to part,
    From you it cuts my heart,
    Yet I must go Cleopatra,
        -go Cleopatra,
        -go Cleopatra,
    And at once depart.

All
  He says he must depart.

(Antony has one foot in Eros' boat, and waves his umbrella triumphantly as scene closes, Cleopatra faints, Lepidus held by Guards. Tableau.) Scene III. —Cæsar's house in Rome. (Enter Cæsar, examining a portrait which he carries in his hand, followed by Gracchus, L. H.)

Cæs
Now, look here, Gracchus; does this likeness flatter her?
'Cos, if it doesn't, I love Cleopatra.

Grac
'Tis Cleopatra, Cæsar.

Cæs (correcting his pronunciation)
Cleopatra!
When Antony returns I shall go arter her.

Grac (astonished)
You after Cleopatra!

Cæs
Yes; just so.
Why shouldn't I?

Grac
Why not?

Cæs
Yes.

Grac
I don't know.
It only seems—

Cæs
Seems, Gracchus; nay, it is!
The very loveliest Egyptian phiz.
Beauty's but ginger beer.

Grac
As how, my Lord?

Cæs
As thus: we see it's lovely fizz and know
That at its loveliest 'tis going off.
Then “pop” it goes! so 'tis, alas, with beauty;
But, pop or no pop, I'll pop off to Egypt
And pop the question, for I cannot rest
Until I've popped, nor poppy nor mandragora,
Can soothe me in the least, nor can Niagara
Pop an extinguisher, though that's a staggerer
Upon my flame; believe me I'm no swaggerer.

Grac
'Twixt Antony and her, by some arrangement,
You must effect at once a long estrangement.

Cæs
To day he weds Octavia, that's secure,
And then the pair proceed upon a tour,
To anywhere, say Java or Sumatra,

While I go off, and take his Cleopatra—
Hush! here's my sister. Enter Octavia, L. H.
Well, Octavia, dear!

Octa
I am to marry Antony, I hear.

Cæs
You don't object?

Octa
Oh, no; I don't object.
I'm always glad to do as you direct;
He is a man for whom I cannot care.

Cæs
Oh! you will be a very happy pair.
'Twon't do for you, my dear, to be too critical;
State marriages are more or less political.
'Twixt him and me 'twill be a bond of union.

Octa
I rather wish the match had been a spoony'un.

Grac
When will Marc Antony arrive here?

Cæs
Well,
He should be here by now. (Bell) Ah! there's his bell.

Anto (without)
I shan't give more.

Octa
He's angry.

Anto
I'm aware
What is the regular amount of fare. (Enters while speaking off.)
These Roman carmen are such very Rum'uns. (Enter Carman.)
Give him a card, and let him take a summons.
Your card will do. (To Cæsar.)

Cæs
You'd better not be shabby.

Anto
Eh! p'raps you're right. Well, then, you pay the cabby. (To Octavia
Ah! how d'ye do! well, have you got the ring,
Licence, and, you know, all that sort of thing?
How d'ye do, Gracchus! à propos of Gracchus,
I know a jolly rhyme to his name; Bacchus!

Grac
And what of him?

Anto
And what of him? I think
Some one might ask me what I'll take to drink
After a journey.

(Enter L. H. a servant with various drinks, American fashion.)

Cæs
Well, have a few,
Iced.

Anto
  When in Rome do as the Romans do,
And when in Turkey do as do the Turkies—
Cool sherbet most refreshing after work is.

Octa
Here's Rome's peculiar beverage, quite plain:
The celebrated Ponche à la Romaine.
We've effervescing—

Anto
Don't like atmospheric 'uns.

Octa
Here's a mint julep made by the Americans. (They all stand with glasses charged.)
Now let the gin-sling to th' eye-opener speak,
Eye-opener to the pick-me-up-without.
The Pick to cocktail, cocktail to gum tickler—
Octavia drinks to Antony. (Descriptive flourish.)

Anto
After that standing toast which makes a king 'o me,
I feel a sort of pleasant kind of thingummy. (Exit servant with glasses, &c.)

Cæs
Precisely: but we've business to transact
  With Pompey, who, expecting to be whacked,
  Has left the theatre of the war at Nice,
  And comes to talk to us about a peace. (They sit R. H. enter Pompey, L. H. “with drum and trumpet;” for which stage direction vide Shakespeare.)

Pomp
R—R—Romans.

Anto
Dont roll the “r's.”

Octa
Dont roll your eyes. (Pompey rolls the drum.)

Pomp
“Friends, Romans, Countrymen, lend me your ears.
“I come to—”

Anto (stepping forward)
No you don't though; if you please sir,
That was my speech upon poor Julius Cæsar.

Pomp (surprised)
Friends, Romans, Countrymen, lend me your ears.

Anto
'Gad! they're my very words, and my ideas. (rapidly and appealing to the others)
“I come to bury Cæsar, not to praise him,”
“The evil that men do lives after them,”

Pomp (enquiringly)
“The good is oft”

Anto (nodding to him)
“In-ter-red,” the next came—

Pomp
“So let it be with Cæsar.”

Anto (shrugging his shoulders)
Just the same,
Oh! it's disgusting. (retires up)

Cæs (coming down)
Well, it does look queer.

Pomp (aside to Cæsar)
I didn't know that Antony was here,
My troops are all disbanded to save paying,
That's why my drum and trumpet I am playing.

Cæs
But you've a standing army.

Pomp
Do not frown,
I left 'em sitting down before a town,
'Tis in the meadows.

Octa
A sweet situation,
For trying the effects of mead-iation,
Shake hands— (she stands between Cæsar and Antony on the R. and Pompey on the L. H.)
  Show t'wards each other small urbanities,
Swear to renounce the Pompey's and the vanities.
If he plays false or you, and now my lords,
Sheathe your bright banners, and unfurl your swords.

Pomp
And when we have our gleaming weapons furled
Into three quarters let's divide the world.

Trio. Air—“Shoddy.”* ^note

Cæs
'Twixt Toney, Pompey, Cæsar—
That's you and I and we, sir—
We will the world divide—
        And ride!
  To certain victory

Anto
There should not be a compe—
—tition 'twixt us and Pompey:
By dry land or by swampy

  We conquerors will be.
  Oh, such a jolly three!
  We will like happy twins agree;
  Each shall be so like both—
      in growth!
    Especially Pompey.

Anto
Then there's my dear Octavia—
        —avia!
  Who does smile upon the three;
And for his good behaviour—
        —avior!
Gives her hand to Antonee.

All
'Twixt Toney, Pompey, Cæsar—
That's you and I and we, sir—
We will the world divide—
        And ride!
  To certain victory
There should not be a compe—
—tition 'twixt us and Pompey.
By dry land or by swampey
  We conquerors will be.
  Oh, such a jolly three!
  We will like twins agree.
Oh! (“The Wedding March.”)
Pompey—Cæsar—Toney.
Felix-Mendelssohn-ny—
        suoni!
Oh! Pompey—Cæsar—Toney.
Felix-Mendelssohn-ny. Grand Wedding March, Pompey with drum and fife. Exeunt all L. H. Enter R. H. Eros.

Eros
I didn't think my master would so readily
Leave Egypt and return to live here so steadily.
Hallo! what's this.

(Re-enter Antony and Octavia. Antony in pain.)

Anto
Oh! oh!

Octa
The wedding can't continue.

Eros
What is it?

Octa
Toothache in the nerve or sinew,
I know a dentist, and what's more “I do”
“Remember an apothecary” too.

Anto
Oh! oh!

Octa
The worst case I ever saw—
I'll go and tell him while he holds his jaw. (Exit.)

Anto
She's gone— (recovers.)

Eros
To fetch dentist to assist her.

Anto
Its no good: I can't marry Cæsar's sister.

Eros
They won't put off the match for long forsooth.

Anto
One minute, while I cut my wisdom tooth:
I'm going back to Egypt, you'll report
That I have met my fate as Roman ought.

Eros
What fate?

Anto
My wedding fête: the grave of freedom:
I can't become a slave in realms of shedom,
So failing my oppressive tooth to cure,
And being less unwilling to endure
The ills we do not know, than to be bored
By those we do, I'll fall upon my sword.
Hold it and turn your face the other way,

Eros
But my dear sir— (Antony gives him his sword.)* ^note

Anto
You've only to obey.
“Why did he die?” they'll ask: above your breath
Answer, Marc Antony was bored to death.
Now, are you ready? don't shake: stop that cough.

Eros
Ready. (stands L with sword extended towards R. H.)

Anto
Then here goes: one, two, three, and off. (Exit Antony R. H.)

Eros
I can't hold out much longer, I shall shirk,

(Enter Pompey as if from wedding breakfast, he walks across thoughtfully and runs on the sword.)

Pomp
Oh! Oh!

Eros (tragically, with averted face)
I cannot look upon my work. (Exit.)

Pomp
Who with a weapon let that stupid youth out? (music.) (Re-enter Octavia R. H. and servants, with tweezers and pincers, and seeing Pompey writhing.)

Octa
Still suffering! drag him off and wrench his tooth out. (The servants carry off Pompey L. H., followed by Octavia, Change Scene.) Scene IV. —Interior of the Monument. View of Gardens. The Interior is supported by Egyptian winged figures. Lepidus discovered writing at a table, he wears a sort of bib to prevent him from spilling the ink over him, he has also a pen behind each ear, and writes laboriously. Also Cleopatra and Charmian.

Lepi (stopping)
Phew!

Cleo
Do not stop.

Lepi
I won't (recommences).

Cleo
Since Tony went,
I've sat like patience in a Monument.

Char
To-night you live in fondest expectations
Of Antony's return.

Cleo (to Lepidus)
The invitations
You've sent.

Lepi
Phew!

Cleo
What!

Char
He means he's few to write.

Cleo
Make haste! they're for our fancy ball to-night,
To welcome Antony, oh! joy entrancing!

Lepi
There's nothing I detest so much as dancing.

Char
With a fast partner, oh! the Valse deux temps!

Lepi
I've tried it, but invariably get wrong.

(Cleopatra looks angrily at him, and he continues writing and repeating aloud.)
“Compliments”—“Empress”—“Nine”—“At home.” At home!
I wish that I was back again in Rome.

Cleo
Go on. Till Antony returns we hold you,
A happy hostage, as we've often told you,
In Cupid's trammels.

Lepi
But to live thus trammelly
Doesn't become the father of a family.

Char
Now dot your “i's.”

Lepi
My “i's” dont tease me. Why
Am I brought to this state of pen-ur-y?

Char
You'll dance to-night.

Lepi
'Twould kill me.

Cleo
Never fear.
One hop won't take you far towards your bier.
How slow you are! To Tony write.

Lepi (puzzled)
A version
Of your's I'm copying to an envoy Persian.

Cleo (impatiently)
Write to another Persian then.

Lepi (referring to list)
I've Dutch,
Italian, German, French, Chinese—

Cleo
Not much!

Lepi
Were I a mere machine!

Cleo
Oh! you're a dunce!
If I'd the hands, I'd do 'em all at once. (rings)
My secretaries. (Enter six secretaries in costumes of different countries.)
Each one understands
His business; don't you? (They present pens.)
There's a show of hands!
French, German, Indian, Dutch.* ^note (Each takes his place. Sharply she turns to Lepidus.)
And that rapscallion!
Will write to Antony (to another) and you, Italian.

Each take a separate letter. Settled! (They bow once simultaneously.)
Quite
My head's full inside. Go on! All write! (They all stoop to their work R.)
Voulevous danser, madame, what's your name? oh,
Antony! do return—La ci darem-o,
Ja vohl Mynheer von Drunk—omit the letter ‘r,’
Von Dunk—etcetera, etcetera, etcetera—
Add pretty speeches; I don't recollect them; (They all finish at once, and take breath, Lepidus much overcome is fanned by Charmian.)
Now then, prepare, take envelopes, direct them,

(this is done with one dash.)
  Stamp 'em (they do it.)
  And seal 'em (they do it)
And mark 'em with C (again),
And put 'em in the Post Box,
For them and for me. (The seven winged figures open their mouths at once. The six Secretaries and Lepidus with one movement put the letters, one in each mouth, which then closes.)
    Be off, (Exeunt the six secretaries at six different exits.)
  I feel so dull, you stupid folk,
Lepidus!

Lapi
Yes 'm.

Cleo
Can't you make a joke.

Lepi
I'll try.

Cleo
A riddle then.

Lepi
Ah! “When's a door
not a door?” p'raps you've heard that one before.

Cleo
“Let us to billiards,” come, for first we'll toss.

Lepi
The Egyptian game is—?

Cleo
Pyramids, of course.
I'm not in cue for that, were I in Kew,
I'd go and dine on Richmond Hill with you;
Or in a punt fish by the Weir.

Lepi
I query
Whether that can be pleasant which is weary. (laughs by himself)

Cleo (restlessly)
Why then I'll mope until my jaws grow lanterny (re-enter Charmian with Cæsarion.)

Char
A Roman gentleman with news from Antony. (Cæsarion runs to Lepidus.)
And I forget his name, 'tis such a hard 'un. (Cæsarion pinches Lepidus.)

Lepi
Oh!

Cleo (to Lepidus and Cæsar)
If you play with him, play in the garden.

Lepi
I'm not a nurseryman. (Charmian re-appears, as if introducing the visitor, who is still without.)

Cleo
Away.

Lepi
I'm going. (aside)
I know where all the unripe fruit is growing. (exit with Cæsarion at back; Charmian ushers in Octavius Cæsar and retires.)

Cæs
Madam, I come from Rome; a friend, no foeman,
By boat.

Cleo
A sailorman?

Cæs
No ma'am a Row Man.

Cleo
Well, you came oar the water, but your news
Of Antony?

Cæs
I'll sing it if you choose.

Cleo (to Charmian)
Bring out the harp.

Cæs
A lyre! I should sing
Had I a heart for falsehood framed.

Cleo
The thing
That you like best: fantasias rather bore us,
Something we know, that we can join in chorus.

Song—Cæsar. Char. plays the harp. Air—“The Mousetrap Man.”

Queen Cleopatra in me you behold
One who a story has got to be told.
It is about the base perfidee
Of that young Roman that's called Antonee.
Time—yes, and tune—in the telling I'll take,
For your poor heart I'm afraid it will break.

In your good graces he is as I know,
But if he's worthy my story will show.

    Cle-o-
    patra, I'll show
  What you must anyhow know,
  There has been practised great treacheree
  By that unscrupulous man Antonee.

He left your palace one day last week,
For he treats you as if he were a Greek!
Then in a vessel he sailed off to Rome,
Where he's now pleasantly settled at home.
And Cæsar's sister he met there that day,
Cæsar was ready to give her away,
And at the Registrar's dressed out so gay,
Antony mar-ri-ed Oc-ta-vi-a.

    Fie fie, bad Antony!
    Why, why should anyone cry.
      Cos as I say,
      It was t'other day
        Antony married Oc-ta-vi-a!

Cleo
Lyre! and Slave! (strikes him)
Forgive me, I am wrong,
But that was such an irritating song.
And who are you?

Cæs
I pay my offering votive
At your fair shrine,

Cleo
Oh! that's your little motive.

Cæs
The Roman Eagle at the dove may look;

Cleo
An eagle you, whose goose I'd like to cook.

Cæs
Your little hands can only cook such sweets
As come before desserts and after meats;
Not goose, but fools of gooseberries.

Char (to her aside)
Keep cool.

Cleo
You own of something I can make a fool.

Cæs
Empress, there's truth in that remark imperial—

Cleo
Yet for that dish we're careless of material.
We women, who make men fools twelves by twelves,
To crown all, make the greatest of ourselves,
As I have done with Antony, but now

I feel, I feel, just ready for a row,
With you—Octavia—any one—

Cæs
Stop! Ease her!

Lepi (without)
Drat the boy! (Cæsarion runs in, Cleopatia seizes him.) (Enter Lepidus.)

Cæs
Lepidus!

Lepi
Octavius Cæsar! Tableau.

Cleo
Octavius Cæsar! oh, I see that you
Are the sharp blade who'd cut our loves in two;
Daggers shan't do it, no, nor knives, nor tweezers,
Nor Cæsar you, were you a pair of sceessors,
D'you come here as a conquerer?

Cæs (depreciatingly)
Oh no!

Cleo
Yes! and you'd put me in your Lord Mayor's show,
Or else my child, and I will be instead
Shown to the public at so much a head.
Half price for any children under six,
Who would expect us to exhibit tricks,
Prance, eat, and growl, while vulgar girls and ma's
Prod us with parasols, between the bars.
“Walk up! Walk up at once, or else they'll spile,”
Queen from the river Nile and Juvenile!
For this will I be conquered by your troops,
Who're in the bay upon the poops of sloops,
Or seen through loops like hoops? if Egypt stoops
To them, or if one whit her courage droops,
May she, that's I, as one of Cæsar's dupes
Catch every sort of sneezes, colds, coughs, whoops,
Never drink any more of Ind and Coop's,
Sink upon slip-slops, famishing for soups,
And perish of continued chronic croups,
My cheyild (embraces Cæsarion—Lepidus cries)

Cæs (to Lepidus)
You sammy!

Lepi
Sir, if I act sammyly (points to child)
Remember, I'm the father of a family. (Enter Eros, R. H.)

Eros
Ha! (starting on seeing the company)

Cæs
Ha!

Lepi
Ha!

Cleo (very wildly)
Ha!

Eros
Marc Antony!

Cæs
Attach him!

Cleo
Oh, I'll mark Antony, if I can catch him!
Ugh! (To Eros) I could break your pate! Is Tony mated?

Eros (protecting himself)
Don't! my intelligence can't be re-pated.
Antony's run through—

Cleo (anxiously)
All his money?

Eros
Pooh!
His body.

Cleo (quietly)
What a stupid thing to do!
He's only enemy himself, and he
Killed him at last: to neither you, nor me,
Is it of any consequence at all.
Octavius, you are coming to my ball
To-night? and supper afterwards for four.

Cæs
With pleasure. (To Lepidius, taking his arm.)
Eh? you dog.

Cleo
Au reservoir! (Exeunt all but Charmian.)
Tony or not Tony—that's the question: whether
He goes alone, or we two go together.
Charmian, we'll settle it in our consistory.
Can I survive him? No; I'll stick to history.
Now, then, to finish. Poison!

Char
Ma'am, there's not any.

Cleo
What! do you mean to say you haven't got any?
You careless girl, I've told you every day
To have that bottle filled; that's just the way.
Charcoal and swords, of course, I need not mention;
They do for heroines with no invention.

Char
A rifle.

Cleo
  Bah! preposterous! Yet one
Knows that there's nothing new beneath the sun;
Yet after ages never will suppose
That Egypt knew one quarter what she knows.

Two thousand years from now grave men will find
That Egypt wasn't very much behind
Their age in her discoveries; now see— (Charmian brings down elegant small case.)
A case in point—just keep your eye on me;
Prepare to be astonished, just a leedle. (Takes out a very pretty toy rifle.)
With this breech-loader—Cleopatra's needle—
The puzzling writing found upon this same
Is but the trade mark and the maker's name;
But we'll find something better: shut the clasp. (Charmian puts it away.)
Bring me some figs, and in the figs an asp,
Which our Egyptians hold in veneration;
Or adder, which receives their adderation.
I'll let it take my life—make it, in fact, a
Sharp adder changed into a quick subtractor. (Charmian brings a large round box.) (Music.)
Figs: and the freshest serpent we could get.
Charmian, please to light an allumette.
My couch, a table, and a saucer; wait
And see how Cleopatra meets her fate (Taking the asp, as yet unseen by the audience, from the box, she apostrophizes it.)
Come, then, thou pyramidical black wedge!
Snuggling in wool, in variegated boxes;
Crawl, creep, and wriggle through sulphureous smoke
Into a short-lived popularity. This thing
Shall be a mania for a time, by which
Egyptian Cleopatra shall be bitten;
And when fools wrangle whether 'twas an asp
Or adder, or a crocodile, that bit me,
Shew them this box, present my compliments,
And tell the wiseheads t'was a Pharaoh's serpent. (Charmian lights the Pharaoh's serpent. Cleopatra lies down, eating a fig.)
Capital figs! Dear! what a nasty smell!
I hope that I am looking very well.

If Tony lives give him this explanation—
To join him was my latest asp-iration. (Bell without.)
There's some one at the monument, who's at it? you'd
Better arrange yourself with me in attitude: (tragically)
I faint! farewell! whoever comes don't speak, (relapsing)
Antony! oh! I—goodish pose plastique. (They remain in attitude. Enter R.H. Eros, then Antony.)

Eros
Here's Antony returned ma'am to be chummy,
Eh! here's a game—

Anto
It looks like double dummy.
I've come upon a very nasty fume,
It's like a Polytechnic lecture room;
On my return as merry as a grig,
To find her lying here, and (looking at the fruit, and at her dress) in full fig;
They've had a feast of figs, the pretty piggers. (To Eros, who is about to kiss Charmian.)
You cannot be allowed to touch the figgers.
Well, there's an end of her: who'll say that Cleo-
-patra did'nt care a fig for me?

Eros
Remember, you're a Roman,

Anto
Oh! of course,
These Greeks and Romans have but one resource.
A set of sticks—here, where's my classic sword?
My last performance with it is encored.

Eros
I left it in the stand, sir, in the hall.

Anto
No matter (music), what's that?

Eros
Cleopatra's ball. (Galop played—Cleopatra's feet and Charmian's begin to move to the time. Antony is preparing to lie down, R.)

Anto (pretending to stab himself without anything in his hand)
There! Cleopatra! oh! (lies down—gets up) (listening to music)
I know what tune it is.

Cleo (sitting up angrily)
Antony.

Anto
Mum.

Cleo
We must respect the unities.

(They both lie down again; Eros sitting. Enter Cæsar, Lepidus, Octavia, Gracchus, Pompey, and the party dancing to the music.)

Cæs
What's this report that takes us by surprise?

Lepi.
Report for once speaks true, and there she lies.

Pomp
See here who does upon this couch repose—
Antony! with antennæ to his nose.

Lepi
That's monumental brass.

Grac (unmasking)
Now, as you've done
With history, we'll begin our bit of fun.

Cæs
Gracchus! (Octavia unmasking.)

Cæs
Octavia!

Octa (taking Gracchus' hand)
Married!

Cæs
What's this mystery?
Both in a story.

Lepi
Her story and History.

Cleo
Stop! stop! if that's the case I'll not expire.

Anto
Nor I, but into private life retire;
I don't intend to interfere with you.

Cleo
I've got enough to live upon for two.

Cæs
Then I'll be master. Lepidus agrees.
He'd better—

Lepi
Cæsar. Anything to please.
Quiet is jam to me; the word sounds jammily.
Home, and no more be farther off my family.

Anto
By all means go and count your little chickens;
Some will object; to us you've play'd the Dickens
With history; yet, that is but to say
We've treated facts in quite a novel way.
'Tis justifiable; Sir Walter Scott
Has done it; so have others, scot and lot,
And he who was for all time, not an age,
The Bard of Avon, A vun on the stage,
[That pun's enough to put one in a rage.]
He's played a trick or two, with date and name,
Taking what suited him just as it came,
And leaving out what did'nt suit him; so
Why should'nt we? that's what I want to know,

For as has been observed by Mr. Cicero,
An extract which I cut out with a scissor, oh,
And as said others, if my brains I cudgel—
For instance, poets Ovid, Horace, Virgil—
And not forgetting the Athenian Plato,
Whose name at once suggests the Roman Cato—
For Cato puts it thus—

Cleo
Kate O! who's she?

Anto
She? (aside) dear! how ignorant some folks must be, (aloud)
It's he.

Cleo
  Of course, of any word of Kate O's,
I think as Yankees say, but small potatoes.
But why go into all this dissertation,
Who cares a button for your peroration?
Our aim was to amuse, if we've succeeded,
Why then we've done exactly what was needed;
But if we've failed this object to attain,
Why then we'd better both lie down again.
One word; who thinks this comic classic play,
Should have been ended in a tragic way,
More in accordance with tradition, will
Kill us with their hands, with kindness kill
Thus, on both hands our warrant you will give,
Let Antony and Cleopatra live.

Finale—“Hunkey Dorum.”* ^note

Cleo
Now we've done our history,

All
    Hunkey dorum doodle um day,

Cæs
Which we've managed to twist away,

All
    Hunkey dorum doodle um day.

Anto
Nothing against proprietee,

All
    Hunkey dorum doodle um day;

Lepi
Sir, I'm the father of a familee,

All
    Hunkey dorum doodle um day.

All
Here we tragedy—pooh! pooh!
Take of life the laughable view;
If you smile, how happy will be
Cleopatra and Antonee.