[figure description] Page 056.[end figure description]

The circum&longs;tance of having been at the
levee, and having made a &longs;peech in the
beer-hou&longs;e, which had been much approved,
and above all, it being announced
that he was a candidate for &longs;tate employment,
had made the bog-trotter a pretty
general theme of conver&longs;ation. Sundry
per&longs;ons who were expectants upon government,
had procured them&longs;elves to be
introduced to him, as &longs;uppo&longs;ing that when
in office, by and bye, he might have it in
his power to do them &longs;ervice. Even by
tho&longs;e that were in government, in the
legi&longs;lative, executive, or diplomatic line,
he was not neglected. Several members
of Congre&longs;s had left cards. A&longs;&longs;i&longs;tants,
and deputy a&longs;&longs;i&longs;tants in offices, foreign
con&longs;uls, two or three directors and ca&longs;hiers
of banks, had waited upon him and paid
him their compliments.

[figure description] Page 057.[end figure description]

His name became known in the gay
world, and by a gradual introduction, he
had become acquainted in &longs;ome of the be&longs;t
families of the city. The ladies, in general,
were much taken with him. They
thought him a plain, frank, blunt &longs;poken
Iri&longs;h gentleman; not harra&longs;&longs;ing them with
deep ob&longs;ervations, drawn from books, or
an o&longs;tentation of learning; but always
&longs;aying &longs;omething gallant, and complimentary
of their per&longs;ons, or accompli&longs;hments;
&longs;uch as God love your &longs;houl, my dear
cratur, but you are de beauty of de
world. Sleeping or waking, I could
take you to my heart, and ate you wid
de very love o' d' my &longs;houl dat I have
for you. De look o' d' dur face, like
de &longs;un or de moon, run trugh me, and
burn up like a coal o' d' de fire; dat I
am &longs;hick and fainting to take du to my
arms, my dear cratur.

Declarations of this nature, made without
any ambiguity, and warm and violent
in their nature, had rendered him, as I
have &longs;aid, pretty generally a favorite of
the ladies: far indeed beyond any thing
which the Captain, &longs;imple and ignorant
of the world, had ever imagined: his
a&longs;toni&longs;hment therefore was not &longs;mall, a
day or two after this, when walking the

[figure description] Page 058.[end figure description]

&longs;treet, he &longs;aw a carriage, pa&longs;s by, with
a gentleman and lady; and on a&longs;king
who&longs;e carriage that was, and who the
gentleman that was in it; for he was
&longs;truck with &longs;ome re&longs;emblance of the bog-trotter;
it was an&longs;wered, that it was the
carriage of Mr. Haberda&longs;her, a merchant
of the city, who&longs;e lady was taking an
airing it would &longs;eem with Major O'Regan,
a member of Congre&longs;s, or Amba&longs;&longs;ador,
or &longs;omething that was ju&longs;t come to town.
God Almighty! thought the Captain; is
it po&longs;&longs;ible. I &longs;ee that I have been a fool,
all my life, and though ju&longs;t going out of
the world, am but beginning to get experience
to live in it. I had been led by
his own confidence, and by the opinion of
others, though with great doubts, on my
part, to &longs;uppo&longs;e it po&longs;&longs;ible that he might
have come to be of &longs;ome re&longs;pect in government,
the di&longs;charge of an office, requiring
rather &longs;olid, than brilliant parts;
but that in &longs;o &longs;hort a time, or indeed, after
any period, he &longs;hould become a favorite
of females of ta&longs;te and fa&longs;hion,
never entered into my head at all: and
for&longs;ooth they have given him the appellation
of Major, though he is about as much
a Major as my hor&longs;e.

[figure description] Page 059.[end figure description]

Such were the ideas which the circumstance
of Teague in a carriage with a fine
lady, naturally produced in his mind.
Nor indeed &longs;hould we think them unreasonable,
were it not that we know there
was nothing extraordinary in the ca&longs;e.
For though ab&longs;tractedly con&longs;idered, it
would &longs;eem improbable that the female
mind of great delicacy, and refinement,
&longs;hould be captivated by a rough and gro&longs;s
object; yet we know that the fact is in
nature, and we mu&longs;t leave it to the philosophers
to account for it. Nor will this
be any difficult ta&longs;k, when we con&longs;ider the
powers of imagination. Here was a new
object, unknown as to its origin, and
high as to its preten&longs;ions; and what is novel,
and not fully comprehended, and lofty
in its nature, has a &longs;upereminent dominion
over the human mind. Hence the proverb,
“far fetched, and dear bought, is good
for ladies.” But on the pre&longs;ent occa&longs;ion,
a particular principle operated in favour
of the bog-trotter: viz. the ta&longs;te and
fa&longs;hion of the day. For, as, in the age of
chivalry, a knight was the only object in
reque&longs;t, and at the beginning of the revolution
in America, a Baron, or a Count
from France or Germany was the ton,
&longs;o now, &longs;ince the adoption of the federal

[figure description] Page 060.[end figure description]

con&longs;titution, the appurtenant officers of
government are the only characters in
vogue. And as in the fir&longs;t in&longs;tance, mere
&longs;quires had been taken for knights, and
pa&longs;&longs;ed very well, and in the &longs;econd ca&longs;e,
taylors and barbers, had &longs;lurred them&longs;elves
for gentry or nobility, what could hinder
the bog-trotter from availing him&longs;elf of
the whim of the day, and be taken for
a per&longs;on qualified to fill any place in government,
from the bare pretending to
it? And being once taken for &longs;uch, what
prodigy was there in his being in reque&longs;t
with the females, and all the fir&longs;t families
of the city, who might be ambitious, and
vie with each other, in having him married
to a niece or a daughter, that &longs;o being
rai&longs;ed above plebians by the connection,
they might be con&longs;idered as of a pratrician
degree? Let the principle be what it
would, whether ta&longs;te, or ambition, the
fact was, that the bog-trotter was courted
and carre&longs;&longs;ed by all the fir&longs;t people: there
could be no card party without Major
O'Regan. A young lady &longs;itting by a gentleman
in any hou&longs;e, and &longs;eeing him
pa&longs;s by, would &longs;tart up, and run to
the window and &longs;ay, O, there is Major
O'Regan. When he was in company,
and would laugh, and put out his tongue,

[figure description] Page 061.[end figure description]

as if he was about to &longs;ing, Lilibullero, the
young ladies would laugh too; not that
there was any je&longs;t, in what he or they
&longs;aid, but ju&longs;t becau&longs;e the Major had laughed.
When he would put out his great
paw to touch the hand of any of them,
O, la! Major, one would &longs;ay, O, now!
Major, another would &longs;ay; don't now
Major, a third would exclaim, rather to
attract his attention, than to repre&longs;s his
advances. The fact was, there &longs;eemed to
be a kind of Teagueomania, among&longs;t the
females, &longs;o that all idea of excellence,
per&longs;onal, or mental was centered in him,
and all common lovers, were neglected,
or repul&longs;ed on his account. A melancholy
in&longs;tance of this kind occured to the
Captain the following day, when walking
by the margin of the river on which the
city &longs;tood, and towards a grove of wood,
which &longs;kirted it on the &longs;outh, he ob&longs;erved
a man &longs;itting on a tuft of the bank, with
his head reclining forward, in a melancholy
po&longs;ition, and looking down upon the
wave beneath him, in the manner in which
Achilles is de&longs;cribed by the poet Homer,
as looking on the purple ocean, and complaining
to the godde&longs;s Thetis of the injury
done to him, when the maid Bri&longs;feis had
been taken from his arms by the order of

[figure description] Page 062.[end figure description]

Agamemnon. Sen&longs;ibly touched with an
appearance of woe in any ca&longs;e, the Captain
could not avoid advancing, and accosting
him: Sir, &longs;aid he,----but what
need I take up the time of the reader with
&longs;tating particularly the words of the address:
it is &longs;ufficient to &longs;ay, that with all
the nece&longs;&longs;ary delicacy, the captain gave
him to under&longs;tand that he took a part in
his misfortune, if there was any upon his
mind, and would think him&longs;elf extremely
fortunate if by language, or acts, he could
alleviate his griefs.

Sir, &longs;aid the other, it is impo&longs;&longs;ible. I
am an unhappy man, who have been for
&longs;ome months in love with a young lady of
this city, and who&longs;e affections I had conceived
my&longs;elf to have engaged by the mo&longs;t
unremitting attention. I had counted
upon her, as my wife, and in all my industry
in bu&longs;ine&longs;s, which is that of a merchant,
I had my thoughts directed to the
provi&longs;ion, I hoped, to have it in my
power, to make, in order to &longs;upport her
with dignity and affluence. Yet within
the&longs;e few days, her attention is engaged,
and her affections alienated by a certain
Major O'Regan, that is, or, is about to
be engaged in &longs;ome public employment.

[figure description] Page 063.[end figure description]

Major O'Regan, &longs;aid the Captain,
laughing; is it po&longs;&longs;ible!

Do you know him, &longs;aid the gentleman?

Know him, &longs;aid the Captain; he is my
bog-trotter; he has been my valet de
chambre this three years; and of late my
ho&longs;tler and boot cleaner, in my travels to
this city. I believe I could prevail with
him for a pair of breeches, or &longs;o, to re&longs;ign
his preten&longs;ions to the lady.

At this, the eye of the inamorato began
to re&longs;ume its lu&longs;tre; and the palene&longs;s of his
countenance to give way to &longs;ome freshness
of complexion. Give me your name,
and the name of the lady, &longs;aid the Captain,
and call upon me to morrow, at
the Indian Queen, about nine o'clock, and
I will endeavor to make &longs;uch terms on
your behalf with this &longs;ame Major O'Regan,
that he will give you no farther trouble,
on the &longs;core of the lady.

The inamorato expre&longs;&longs;ed his thankfulness
with great animation and fervour;
and accepted the invitation to wait upon
him at the time and place propo&longs;ed, informing
him, at the &longs;ame time, that his
name was Williams, and that of the lady,
was M`Cracken, a daughter of an alderman
of the city of that name.

[figure description] Page 064.[end figure description]

The Captain coming home, addre&longs;&longs;ed
the bog-trotter as follows: Major O'Regan,
&longs;aid he, for that I find is the title
which they have given you, there is a young
lady of this town of the name of M`Cracken,
whom you have by &longs;ome means engaged
to think favorably of you, to the
neglect of a former admirer, a Mr. Williams,
a merchant, of this city. This
gentleman had a claim upon her from a
prior attention, and though there is no
municipal law that con&longs;titutes it a wrong
in you to interfere; yet humanity will
dictate that it is a wrong. Becau&longs;e it is a
&longs;mall thing to a man who&longs;e affections are
not engaged; and who has yet wa&longs;ted no
time upon an object, to decline attention
to it, or relinqui&longs;h it. But to him who
has &longs;et his mind upon this or that lady, it
is death to be repulfed, and a man of honor
and delicacy of feeling, who &longs;ees the
advances of another which are well received,
will not interfere, even though the
object might be agreeable to him. Much
le&longs;s will he amu&longs;e him&longs;elf at the expence
of another, by paying attention when it
is his own vanity alone that he con&longs;ults, in
&longs;hewing in what point of view he could
&longs;tand if he &longs;hould think proper to per&longs;i&longs;t.
I hope better things of you Teague, and

[figure description] Page 065.[end figure description]

that you will conduct your&longs;elf on the principles
of honour and humanity; you will
re&longs;ign this flirt, for &longs;uch I deem her, who----
he was going to &longs;ay, who could be
tickled with you; but having a point to
carry with Teague, he cho&longs;e to u&longs;e &longs;oft
words; who, continued he, could &longs;o
readily change one lover for another.
What &longs;ecurity have you of the affections
of one of &longs;o ver&longs;atile a mind, Mr. Williams
is a merchant, and has cloths in his
&longs;tore: he will give you the pattern of a
pair of breeches to decline your pretensions,
and re&longs;ign the jade to him who had
fir&longs;t ca&longs;t his eye upon her.

Teague, much more from this la&longs;t part
of the argument, than from the fine sentiments
of delicacy, &c. which were laid
down in the fir&longs;t of it, con&longs;ented to relinquish
the dulcinea; and &longs;o when Mr. Williams
called at the hour propo&longs;ed, an order
for the making of a pair of breeches was
given and the bog-trotter pledged his
word, that he neither would laugh, talk,
walk, or ogle with her any more.

Shortly after this, while reading a newspaper,
the Captain heard two men conversing
at the oppo&longs;ite end of the &longs;aloon in
which they &longs;at, one of them expre&longs;&longs;ing
his concern that having a cau&longs;e to be tried

[figure description] Page 066.[end figure description]

before the court then &longs;itting, his lawyer
Mr. Hardicknute could not attend, being
indi&longs;po&longs;ed, and as it was alledged, from
a di&longs;appointment in love, by a Mi&longs;s Thimbleton,
who was of late, as it appeared,
taken with a certain Major O'Regan, an
Iri&longs;h gentleman of &longs;ome note, who had
paid attention to her.

Enquiring the re&longs;idence of the gentleman,
and being informed, the Captain
ever prompt to do offices of humanity,
immediately calling for Teague, who was
in the bar room with the waiter getting
him to write a love letter for him, &longs;et
out on a vi&longs;it to lawyer Hardicknute, and
being admitted to his chamber, where he
lay langui&longs;hing in bed, acco&longs;ted him, giving
him to under&longs;tand that he knew the
cau&longs;e of his complaint, not by feeling his
pul&longs;e as did the phy&longs;ician of Demetrius,
who was in love with Stratonice: nor by
any power of conjuring; but &longs;imply by
hearing it from a client who was intere&longs;ted
in his recovery; and that in con&longs;equence
of this information he had come to relieve
him, and had brought the identical Major
O'Regan along with him, who for half a
johannes was ready to re&longs;ign all pretensions
to the lady. This the Captain presumed,
from his influence with the

[figure description] Page 067.[end figure description]

Irishman, and from his &longs;ucceeding on the former
occa&longs;ion.

The &longs;ick lawyer at this &longs;at up; and
having put on on his gown and &longs;lippers, expressed
great thanks to the Captain and
the Major, and very readily handed a half
johannes from his bureau, and calling for
pen, ink and paper, for he was not sufficiently
re&longs;tored to go to his office, he signified
that it would be proper the Major
&longs;hould give him &longs;ome in&longs;trument of writing
as evidence of the contract. It was
agreed on the part of the Captain and the
bog-trotter; and the lawyer wrote as follows:

“Know all men by the&longs;e pre&longs;ents, that
I Teague O'Regan, Major, am held and
firmly bound unto John Hardicknute, in
the &longs;um of one hundred pounds, money
of the United States, well and truly to be
paid to him the &longs;aid John, his heirs, executors,
admini&longs;tators, or a&longs;&longs;igns. Given
under my hand and &longs;eal this &longs;econd day of
June, in the year of our Lord one thousand
&longs;even hundred and ninety-one.

The condition of the above obligation is
&longs;uch, That if I the &longs;aid Teague O'Regan,
&longs;hall withdraw all attention, court&longs;hip,
or wooing on my behalf from a certain
Martha Thimbleton, lady, then the &longs;aid

[figure description] Page 068.[end figure description]

obligation to be void, otherwi&longs;e to remain
in full force and virtue.

This matter being fully &longs;ettled, the
Captain and the bog-trotter took their
leave and departed. On their way home,
a man was &longs;een to run acro&longs;s the &longs;treet,
dre&longs;&longs;ed in black, but without hat, coat,
or breeches on. The Captain conceived
it mu&longs;t be &longs;ome mad &longs;ans culotte, or unbreeched
per&longs;on that had come over from
Paris, and was running through the &longs;treets
here in order to bring about a revolution;
but on enquiry, he was informed, that it
was the Revd. Mr. M`Whorter, a young
clergyman, who had been deranged in his
under&longs;tanding on account of a preference
given by Mi&longs;s Fiddle to a certain Major
O'Regan, who had &longs;eemed to have engaged
her affections; that it was fir&longs;t discovered
on the preceding Sunday, when in
his prayer, in&longs;tead of &longs;aying “give
us this day our daily bread,” he repeated,
give us this day our daily Mi&longs;s Fiddle, and

[figure description] Page 069.[end figure description]

in&longs;tead of &longs;aying, “deliver us from evil,”
as he ought to have done, he &longs;aid, deliver
us from Major O'Regan; that ever &longs;ince
he had been getting wor&longs;e, and now had
thrown off a part of his garments, and
expo&longs;ing him&longs;elf in public, appeared to be
mad altogether.

The Captain thinking on the &longs;ubject,
was about to parody that line of the poet
and to &longs;ay;


Ye Gods what havock does O'Regan make
Among&longs;t your works.
But repre&longs;&longs;ing all poetical flights, he
wi&longs;hed to lo&longs;e no time, but as &longs;peedily as
po&longs;&longs;ible to wait upon the unfortunate ecclesiastic,
and by &longs;atisfying his mind, remove
his derangement. Accordingly
pur&longs;uing the clergyman, and having had
him &longs;eized and conveyed to a chamber;
he endeavored to make him &longs;en&longs;ible that
Major O'Regan, the cau&longs;e of his misfortune,
who was there pre&longs;ent, was ready
to quit claim to Mi&longs;s Fiddle, and give him
no cau&longs;e of unea&longs;ine&longs;s any farther. For
this, on their way, the bog-trotter, in consideration
of an intere&longs;t in the clergyman's
prayers, had promi&longs;ed to do. But poor
Mr. M`Whorter was too far gone. He
could talk of nothing, but &longs;ome incoherent

[figure description] Page 070.[end figure description]

jargon con&longs;i&longs;ting of a mixture of &longs;cripture
and profane language, one while about
Mi&longs;s Fiddle and Major O'Regan; another
while of Daniel in the Lion's den, and
Jonas in the whale's belly, and the Devil
running into &longs;wine. He would imagine
&longs;ometimes that the devil was in him&longs;elf,
and would &longs;queel like a pig.

The matter being thus hopele&longs;s, they
&longs;et off to come home. On their way they
fell in with a man who called him&longs;elf a doctor,
and had a bli&longs;tering plai&longs;ter in his
hand, and a gallipot, and a cly&longs;ter pipe
tyed with a &longs;tring about his neck, and
hanging down his back, and had alarmed
two or three ladies ju&longs;t before, offering
his &longs;ervices in the way of his profe&longs;&longs;ion.
On enquiry, it was found, that it was
the celebrated doctor Catapla&longs;m that had
lo&longs;t his &longs;en&longs;es, within three days pa&longs;t, on
account of a Major O'Regan, that was
likely to carry off Mi&longs;s Bla&longs;m, to whom
the doctor had been a &longs;uitor for &longs;everal
years, and with whom he had been ju&longs;t on
the point of marriage. De&longs;pairing from
the late experiment of doing any thing
with mad people, the Captain waved any
trouble with the doctor, but looking sternly
at Teague; this will never do, &longs;aid he:
I cannot reconcile it to my&longs;elf to be in the
mo&longs;t di&longs;tant way acce&longs;&longs;ary to &longs;o much

[figure description] Page 071.[end figure description]

mi&longs;chief; and as, from a deference to the
judgment of others, and to your importunity,
I have &longs;uffered my&longs;elf to be the
means of introducing you to this &longs;phere,
I mu&longs;t take care to repair the injury as
far as may be in my power, or at lea&longs;t
prevent any increa&longs;e of it as much as possible.
If there is &longs;ome tali&longs;manic charm,
God knows what it is, in your per&longs;on or
appearance, that makes you thus formidable
to the peace and happine&longs;s of others
in giving this &longs;ucce&longs;s among&longs;t the females,
and if you have not genero&longs;ity, or moral
&longs;en&longs;e of duty, to u&longs;e your advantage consistent
with humanity, it is full time you
&longs;hould be checked and drawn from this
&longs;phere altogether, and &longs;ent to your former
bog-trotting, or put into the &longs;tate
if you can get there, that hone&longs;t men may
marry their wenches, who&longs;e affections
they had previou&longs;ly engaged.

The bog-trotter was &longs;omewhat obstreperous;
or as the vulgar &longs;ay, obstrapalous,
on the occa&longs;ion; and &longs;eemed to
&longs;ignify that he would not de&longs;i&longs;t; but would
pay attention to whom he thought proper.

The Captain &longs;aw that it was a difficult
matter to lay the devil he had rai&longs;ed; and
his hopes re&longs;ted in this, that he was but
the bubble of a day, and that though

[figure description] Page 072.[end figure description]

light-headed young women in the unfortunate
ca&longs;es mentioned, had given him a visible
preference, yet it was rather to torture
their former lovers with a view to
try the &longs;trength of their pa&longs;&longs;ion than with
any intention &longs;eriou&longs;ly to make choice of
him, and finally accept him for a hu&longs;band.
For he could not think it po&longs;&longs;ible that a
woman of fa&longs;hion, and education, would
ultimately be willing to give her hand to
&longs;uch a raggamu&longs;&longs;in. If indeed, he could
come to be a judge, or a governor, &longs;uch
a thing might take place; but as it was, it
&longs;eemed to outrage all credibility.

In this he was mi&longs;taken; for but the
very next day, he was waited on by Mr.
Mutchkin, a merchant of the city, who
was in the whole&longs;ale and retail way as a
grocer, and who had an only daughter,
Mi&longs;s Mutchkin, to whom the Iri&longs;hman
had made his mo&longs;t &longs;erious propo&longs;als. It
was to her, by the a&longs;&longs;i&longs;tance of the waiter,
that he had been writing love letters:
Mr. Mutchkin, a cautious man, before
he would give his con&longs;ent to the match,
thought proper to call upon the Captain,
whom he under&longs;tood to be the uncle, or
guardian of the young gentleman, with a
view of enquiring into his expectations.

[figure description] Page 073.[end figure description]

Expectations! &longs;aid the Captain, why
ju&longs;t this; that if he &longs;hould chance to get
into office, it is well, and if not he mu&longs;t
return to his bog-trotting. Bog-trotting!
&longs;aid the merchant. Aye; bog-trotting,
&longs;aid the Captain: what el&longs;e would he do.
It is but ten days, or thereabouts, &longs;ince
he quitted it; and &longs;ince, by taking him to
levees, and beer-hou&longs;es, and rubbing and
&longs;crubbing him, and teaching him to dance,
and giving him &longs;ome le&longs;&longs;ons of manners,
he has been made fit to appear in the gay
world. He has but that pair of breeches
that you &longs;ee to his back&longs;ide, and a pattern
not made up yet, that merchant Williams
gave him; and for my part I have done
all for him that I can do: There is ju&longs;t
the truth Mr. Mutchkin; and if you chu&longs;e
to take him for a &longs;on-in-law, you are
welcome; but as, thank God, I have
pre&longs;erved a principle of candour and honesty
all my life, I will not deceive on
this occa&longs;ion; and if the match &longs;hould
prove unfortunate, you will not have me
to blame,

Mr. Mutchkin, expre&longs;&longs;ed by the staring
of his eye, his a&longs;toni&longs;hment; and as
&longs;oon as he could &longs;peak, thanked the Captain
for his candour, and declared his resolution
that if Major O'Regan as he had

[figure description] Page 074.[end figure description]

the a&longs;&longs;urance to call him&longs;elf, &longs;hould again
come to his hou&longs;e, he would turn him out
of doors; and that if his daughter &longs;hould
give him the lea&longs;t countenance for the future,
he would di&longs;own her entirely: He
had taken the greate&longs;t pains with her in
her education; &longs;he had been taught all the
polite accompli&longs;hments that could become
a lady; dancing, mu&longs;ic, painting, reading
French, the Belles Lettres, geography,
&c. and if, after all this, &longs;he would
throw her&longs;elf away on a raggamuffin to
the di&longs;credit of the family, he would no
longer take notice of her.

Fair, and &longs;oftly, &longs;aid the Captain; I
have a word of advice to give on the subject.
It is true, I have not travelled
much through the world; &longs;o as to vi&longs;it
France, Italy, Spain, or Portugal; nevertheless,
I have &longs;ome general knowledge
of the principles of human nature; not
only from books, but from my own observations,
of the &longs;mall circum&longs;tances that
have fallen in my way, and reflection upon
them; and have found, that in the intellectual
province, as well as in material
works, art accompli&longs;hes more than force;
nay, as in mechani&longs;m, the arch is strengthened
by the very weight you put upon it,
&longs;o, where the imagination is concerned, the

[figure description] Page 075.[end figure description]

attachment is fixed by an oppo&longs;ition to it.
Hence, it is, that the di&longs;&longs;ua&longs;ion of parents,
guardians, or friends is often &longs;o ineffectual,
with their daughters or wards, in matters
of love. It will behoove you, on this
occa&longs;ion, in order to accompli&longs;h your object,
to conceal your knowledge of the
circum&longs;tances communicated; to allow
the bog-trotter free ingre&longs;s and egre&longs;s as
u&longs;ual, and to affect to &longs;peak of him with
re&longs;pect. Leave it to me to &longs;ay &longs;uch
things to the young lady, as under pretence
of recommending her lover, will be
effectual to di&longs;gu&longs;t her, and remove her
attachment,

Mr. Mutchkin impre&longs;&longs;ed with the sincerity
and good &longs;en&longs;e of the Captain, consented
to be guided by him in this bu&longs;ine&longs;s,
and accordingly going home was &longs;ilent to
the mother and daughter with re&longs;pect to
the conver&longs;ation he had with the old gentleman,
who was con&longs;idered as the uncle
of Teague: and the following day when
the Captain waited upon the family, and
was introduced by Mr. Mutchkin, who
retiring under pretence of bu&longs;ine&longs;s, left
him alone with the daughter and mother
to make u&longs;e of the means he had propo&longs;ed.
For Mr. Mutchkin well knew that O'Regan
was a great favorite with the mother;

[figure description] Page 076.[end figure description]

and that it would be as difficult to convince
her as the daughter, of the impo&longs;ition in his
character. Nay, as &longs;he had promoted
the match, her pride, unle&longs;s &longs;he her&longs;elf
was the fir&longs;t to detect the impo&longs;ture,
would hinder her from &longs;eeing it, or at lea&longs;t
acknowledging it at all.

Being &longs;eated, conver&longs;ation en&longs;ued,
and Mrs. Mutchkin, paid the Captain
many compliments on the fine figure and
addre&longs;s of his nephew. Mi&longs;s Mutchkin,
hung down her head, and blu&longs;hed, as being
in the pre&longs;ence of the uncle of her lover
and hearing the name of Major O'Regan
mentioned. Why madam, &longs;aid the Captain,
I under&longs;tand that the bog-trotter,
has been well received in your family.
It is true I am not his uncle, nor is he a
Major; neverthele&longs;s many uncles have
had wor&longs;e nephews; and there have been
Majors that did not perhaps ever &longs;ee &longs;o
much &longs;ervice: for I have under&longs;tood from
him&longs;elf that he was inli&longs;ted once when he
was drunk, and was a while in the barracks
in Dublin; but got off when the
matter came to be examined, and it was
found that advantage had been taken of
him. For the Lord Lieutenant had given
&longs;trict orders, that in the enli&longs;tments the
utmo&longs;t fairne&longs;s &longs;hould be u&longs;ed; nor,

[figure description] Page 077.[end figure description]

indeed was it nece&longs;&longs;ary in time of peace, to
take advantage; becau&longs;e there were men
enough to be got voluntarily, and deliberately
to enter the &longs;ervice. Nor indeed
had Teague him&longs;elf any objections to be a
&longs;oldier, but that his con&longs;titution had not
given him that courage which is nece&longs;&longs;ary
to enable a man to face an enemy with fire
arms: He could cudgel at a fair, or the
like, where he was &longs;upported by others
that would take the weight of the battle
off his hands; but except to wre&longs;tle at
carni&longs;h hug, as he calls it, with a ho&longs;tler,
now and then, I never knew him fond of
any contention what&longs;oever. I under&longs;tand
that he has been fortunate enough to render
him&longs;elf agreeable to the young lady
your daughter, and I congratulate myself
on the pro&longs;pect of having &longs;o accomplished
a young woman to be the wife of
my dome&longs;tic. I have had him now the&longs;e
three years. I bought him out a &longs;hip of
Iri&longs;h &longs;ervants. He has been always faithful
to me in the offices in which I employed
him, &longs;uch as bru&longs;hing boots, and rubbing
down my hor&longs;e. It is true his manners
were a little rude at fir&longs;t, but I have taken
a good deal of pains to teach him &longs;ome
of the outlines of a decent behaviour, &longs;uch
as to blow his no&longs;e with a handkerchief,

[figure description] Page 078.[end figure description]

and keep from breaking wind in company,
a practice to which he was a good deal
addicted at his fir&longs;t &longs;etting out; and
though he takes long &longs;trides as you may
&longs;ee, from wearing brogues, and bog-trotting;
yet in the cour&longs;e of time, this
and other habits may be broke, by being
in good company. He has made considerable
improvement in the &longs;hort time, I
have taken pains with him. Though but
ten days &longs;ince he was heaved down, and
curried and bru&longs;hed up for a gentleman,
he has learned to chew food, without
grea&longs;ing his chin and cheeks. If he &longs;hould
fall into the hands of a lady of ta&longs;te, as
he is like to do, &longs;he may improve him &longs;till
more. It will be of particular advantage
to him to get a woman that can write and
read; as I under&longs;tand Mi&longs;s Mutchkin can
do very well; for as he can neither read
nor write him&longs;elf, it is nece&longs;&longs;ary that there
&longs;hould be one of a family that can. He
has been fortunate at the taverns where
we lodged to get the waiters to write and
read billets to ladies; but &longs;uch cannot be
always at hand for the&longs;e things; but a wife
may. It is true his hopes in government
are uncertain, as to being an amba&longs;&longs;ador
or con&longs;ul, but he may get to be a valet
de chambre to one of the&longs;e: and though

[figure description] Page 079.[end figure description]

the ambition of Mi&longs;s Mutchkin may not be
&longs;o much flattered, as to be the lady of a
mini&longs;ter, yet true happine&longs;s is to be found
in contentment; and the love &longs;he has for
his per&longs;on, may make amends for the
want of rank and honor; much more for
the want of fortune; for riches are but
dro&longs;s, and the maid of a kitchen may be as
happy as the mi&longs;tre&longs;s in the parlour. His
fortune indeed is not much. He has nothing
of his own, but what dre&longs;s he wears,
and a pattern of a pair of breeches, not
yet made up. My e&longs;tate is but &longs;mall,
con&longs;i&longs;ting in a farm, and implements of
hu&longs;bandry, with a couple of hor&longs;es, one
of which I have rode from home, while
he bog-trotted by my &longs;ide. Neverthele&longs;s,
if he marries Mi&longs;s Mutchkin I will endeavor
to do &longs;omething for him, and for two
or three years to come will engage to
find him in breeches and wai&longs;tcoats.

The young lady was confounded and
withdrew. The mother was &longs;ilent, and
with all her heart wi&longs;hed the Captain gone,
that &longs;he might dige&longs;t her mortification in
private. The Captain &longs;aw all this; but
without &longs;eeming to &longs;ee it, pre&longs;erved a
grave countenance, and with &longs;ome apology
of having an engagement &longs;o that he could

[figure description] Page 080.[end figure description]

not have the honor of a longer conversation,
he took his leave.

The dialogue that took place after this
between the mother and the daughter,
may be more ea&longs;ily imagined than expressed.
It was conluded that when
O'Regan came next to the hou&longs;e, the
porter &longs;hould be ready with a cow&longs;kin to
give him a &longs;uitable reception.

Mr. Mutchkin coming in was made acquainted
with the di&longs;covery of Major
O'Regan's hi&longs;tory. Affecting to be as
much a&longs;toni&longs;hed as them&longs;elves, he observed,
that it would be however proper
to di&longs;mi&longs;s him with civility, as he had been
received in the capacity of a &longs;uitor. Here
Mi&longs;s Mutchkin again blu&longs;hed, not as at
fir&longs;t, with an affected blu&longs;h of mode&longs;ty,
when Major O'Regan was at any time
mentioned, but with the blu&longs;h of confu&longs;ion
and &longs;hame. The mother di&longs;covering in
her countenance all the emotions of
wounded pride, and ungovernable resentment,
avowed her determination to have
him received with a cow&longs;kin by the porter.
Mr. Mutchkin, affecting to acquiesce,
as the&longs;e were matters in which he
did not wi&longs;h to concern, did but confirm
the re&longs;olution.

Accordingly, that evening, when the

[figure description] Page 081.[end figure description]

bog-trotter being on the point of marriage
as he thought, came to take tea with Mi&longs;s
Mutchkin, ringing the bell, and being
admitted, a &longs;tout fellow, an Engli&longs;hman,
who &longs;erved in the capacity of Porter,
being prepared with a very heavy cowskin,
made an attack upon him. The
Iri&longs;hman exclaimed, and called out for
Mi&longs;s Mutchkin. O! God love your
dear lady&longs;hip, Mi&longs;s Mutchkin; by &longs;haint
Patrick; by de holy apo&longs;tles, I &longs;hall be
kilt and murdered into de bargain! O! I
&longs;hall be kilt and murdered. God love
your &longs;houl &longs;top wid your cow&longs;kin, till I
&longs;ay may prayers; and &longs;pare my life; O!
I &longs;hall be kilt and murdered, O! dis night,
in de hou&longs;e here. Mi&longs;s Mutchkin, where
is your dear lady&longs;hip, to look upon me
wid your eyes, and &longs;ave me from dis
bateing? O! I am kilt and murdered.

Saying the&longs;e words the porter had
kicked him out of the hou&longs;e, and &longs;hutting
the door, left him to his exclamations in
the &longs;treet.

Coming home, to the Captain, he made
a woeful complaint of the di&longs;a&longs;ter that had
befallen him; which the Captain took
care not to alleviate, but increa&longs;e, alledging,
that it mu&longs;t have been &longs;ome former
lover of the lady, who was exa&longs;perated at

[figure description] Page 082.[end figure description]

the preference given, and took this method
of revenge; that he now &longs;aw how dangerous
it was to interfere with men of
&longs;pirit in their court&longs;hips, and he ought to
be more careful for the future.

[figure description] Page 083.[end figure description]

HAVING given the preceding hi&longs;tory, and put my
name to it, there is no man that knows me, will
doubt of the truth of it. For I have always con&longs;idered
the fir&longs;t character of an hi&longs;torian to be veracity; and in
all my former compo&longs;itions, have endeavored to preserve
that character. There being therefore no doubt
of the facts, it will remain only to account for them,
and indeed, though we have partly done it already, in
&longs;ome ob&longs;ervations we have made, yet this, and the
like circum&longs;tances which occur every day in life, of
Teague O'Regans and bog-trotters, being the favorites
of ladies in preference to the mo&longs;t accompli&longs;hed men,
is &longs;o contrary to what we would expect, that it may
de&longs;erve a more minute developement of the cau&longs;es and
principles. In early times, and even yet among&longs;t &longs;imple
and uninformed people, the effect has been attributed
to love potions, or witchcraft; that is, either to
&longs;ome drug, or draught affecting the nerves, and deranging
the brain; or to &longs;ome &longs;upernatural power
operating on the faculties. But exploding the&longs;e, we
&longs;hall endeavor to explain the phenomenon upon the
common principles of the affections of the heart, and
the power of the imagination. But it mu&longs;t be presumed
that in general, advantage of per&longs;on, good
&longs;en&longs;e, and virtue prevail with the females, and where
the oppo&longs;ite is the ca&longs;e, it is to be con&longs;idered as out of
the common cour&longs;e of choice. Why it ever &longs;hould be
&longs;o, may depend on this; that a Teague O'Regan having
little &longs;en&longs;ibility of nerve, has all that apathy from
nature which the man of addre&longs;s has from habit, and

[figure description] Page 084.[end figure description]

more &longs;teadily, becau&longs;e the one is nature, the other art:
and coolne&longs;s in love, is a great &longs;ecret of &longs;ucce&longs;s. Sensibility
is irritable, unper&longs;evering, de&longs;ponding, extravagant;
and hence it is that no man who is deeply
enamoured of a lady before &longs;he has conceived &longs;ome
attachment on her part, has an equal chance to be
acceptable. The fond love of a refined mind, produces
&longs;illine&longs;s, in proportion to the delicacy of the feelings;
and the contra&longs;t being more ob&longs;ervable, the wi&longs;e man
becomes, or appears to be the greater fool. The
Teague O'Regan makes love without any heart at all;
he attends upon a lady as he would tread mortar:
flatters her as he would &longs;peak to a parrot, or &longs;troke a
cat, without a &longs;ingle &longs;en&longs;ation to di&longs;turb him. The
appearance of &longs;ecurity on the part of the lover, gives
the lady to &longs;uppo&longs;e that he is con&longs;cious of advantages,
and of cour&longs;e that there mu&longs;t be &longs;uch which &longs;he does
not yet di&longs;cover: or conceiving that &longs;he has not yet
ab&longs;olutely engaged him, &longs;he makes it an object to in&longs;pire
his attachment, and the very exerci&longs;e of her own pa&longs;&longs;ions
kindles a flame; for hopes and fears are the aliments of
love. A Teague O'Regan has no &longs;entiment of his own,
and therefore he approves all the rea&longs;on, and laughs at
all the wit of the lady; &longs;o that putting her in love with
her&longs;elf, &longs;he becomes in love with him. A man of
&longs;en&longs;e, expre&longs;&longs;es it; but if contrary to the lady's &longs;en&longs;e,
&longs;he thinks it non&longs;en&longs;e, and he becomes the Teague
O'Regan in her judgment.

Again, a Teague O'Regan is repre&longs;&longs;ed by no &longs;en&longs;e
of honour, or regard to a permanent happine&longs;s, from
pa&longs;&longs;ing him&longs;elf for what he is not, and practi&longs;ing imposition,
he impo&longs;es; talking of his great relations when
he has none, and of an e&longs;tate when the right owner, as
the Iri&longs;h phra&longs;e is, keeps him out of it, and provided
he can obtain the lady, he never thinks of the catastrophe
when the deception is di&longs;covered.

A Teague O'Regan is le&longs;s oppo&longs;ed by his rivals;
becau&longs;e no one &longs;uppo&longs;es that he can prevail. He is
a&longs;&longs;i&longs;ted by the female acquaintance of the lady, becau&longs;e

[figure description] Page 085.[end figure description]

they wi&longs;h her mortified by making a bad choice. In
affairs of love there is no lady has a friend except a father,
an uncle, or a brother; not always a mother,
&longs;eldom a &longs;i&longs;ter, but never any one el&longs;e. Becau&longs;e the
pride of a mother may be hurt by the defect of attention
to her&longs;elf; the jealou&longs;y of a &longs;i&longs;ter is rou&longs;ed, even tho'
provided for, le&longs;t it &longs;hould appear &longs;he had not married
equally well; and therefore the greater the fool, the
more friends he has with all the world, in his advances.
But &longs;etting all the&longs;e principles a&longs;ide, a particular circumstance,
as in the late ca&longs;e of the bog-trotter may
operate for the &longs;ea&longs;on, and make it an object to be addressed
by him.

I &longs;hall conclude the&longs;e &longs;trictures, by laying down &longs;ome
rules, for a prudent father, or guardian to correct the
imagination of a young lady, who appears to be facinated
with a bog-trotter; and in doing this, I conceive
I &longs;hall render e&longs;&longs;ential &longs;ervice to humanity. It is a
painful thing, having accumulated property, for the
&longs;ake of a child; and having taken pains to improve and
poli&longs;h, to have her thrown away upon a bea&longs;t; for according
to the expre&longs;&longs;ion of the poet, &longs;ome men are
bea&longs;ts, compared with others.

As love then is the offspring of the imagination,
rea&longs;on has nothing to do with it. Ridicule is the only
remedy. Never let the Teague O'Regan be oppo&longs;ed,
or excluded from the hou&longs;e; but invited, and laughed
at; in the mean time giving the young lady no rea&longs;on
to &longs;uppo&longs;e that it is &longs;u&longs;pected &longs;he could po&longs;&longs;ibly have
any fancy for &longs;uch a per&longs;on. The father or guardian
may engage &longs;ome per&longs;ons of both &longs;exes, in confidence,
to join in the ridicule, and relate or invent incidents of his
ab&longs;urdities; for as the bog-trotter is making an attack
upon the honour and happine&longs;s of the family, it is self-defence,
and ju&longs;tifiable to counteract him by &longs;tratagem,
when open force will not avail. No object that is made
ridiculous can appear amiable; and as to what is

[figure description] Page 086.[end figure description]

respectable, we depend much more upon the opinion of
others, than our own. If a lover is oppo&longs;ed, the lady
attributes it to an old mu&longs;ty ta&longs;te in the father, or to
envy and jealou&longs;y in others, and out of pride &longs;he will
&longs;upport him; whereas if he is ridiculed, &longs;he becomes
a&longs;hamed of him, and gives him up. I have thought it
worth while to give this hint; becau&longs;e the greater part
of our romances and comedies in the Engli&longs;h language
are calculated to depreciate the re&longs;pect which a young
lady ought to have for the opinion of aged and grave
per&longs;ons; and to confirm her in taking the Teague
O'Regan of her own choice. For all &longs;uch are u&longs;ually
repre&longs;ented as old humdrum curmudgeons, or grany's
who&longs;e judgment is not worth regarding, and who&longs;e
ta&longs;te, in affairs of love, as in their dre&longs;s, is antiquated,
unfa&longs;hionable, and ab&longs;urd; but the adventurers, and
fortune hunters, are all po&longs;&longs;e&longs;&longs;ed of ta&longs;te, and &longs;pirit,
and gallantry, and carry off the dam&longs;el and make her
happy. They &longs;top ju&longs;t at the marriage, and give no
view of the di&longs;gu&longs;t, repentance, and unhappine&longs;s that
en&longs;ues.

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