[figure description] Page 022.[end figure description]

I SHALL pa&longs;s over the circum&longs;tances
of the Captain's dining, and Teague,
reconciled with the ho&longs;tler, taking his me&longs;s
in the kitchen; and go on to what befel
afterwards, when having &longs;addled the hor&longs;e,
they &longs;et out on their further perigrination.
Towards evening, when the &longs;hadows of
the trees began to be very long, the Captain
bidding Teague trot along &longs;ide, addressed
him in the following words:—
Teague, &longs;aid he, it is true I am none of
your knight-errants, who u&longs;ed to ride about
the world relieving fair dam&longs;els, and killing
giants, and lying out in woods, and
fore&longs;ts, without a hou&longs;e, or even tentcloth
over their heads, to protect them
from the night air. Neverthele&longs;s, as in &longs;ome

[figure description] Page 023.[end figure description]

re&longs;pects my equipment, and &longs;allying forth
re&longs;embles a knight-errant, and you a
&longs;quire, would it be ami&longs;s, ju&longs;t for a frolick,
to ly out a night or two, that it might
be &longs;aid that we have done the like. There
is no great danger of wolves or bears, for
while there are &longs;heep, or pigs to be got
at, they will &longs;hun human fle&longs;h. It will
make a good chapter in our journal, to
de&longs;cribe you lying at the foot of an oak
tree, and me with my head upon my saddle,
under another; the hor&longs;e, in the mean
time, feeding at a &longs;mall di&longs;tance. Teague
thought it would be an ea&longs;ier matter to
write down the chapter in the journal, than
ly under the trees to beget it. It is true,
&longs;aid the Captain, navigators and travellers,
make many a fiction; and tho&longs;e who
have been in battle have killed many, that
were killed by others, or have not been
killed at all. But it would ill become a
limb of chivalry to deviate from the truth.
It will be but about twelve hours &longs;ervice
lying on our backs and looking up to the
&longs;tars, hearing the howling of wolves, and
ob&longs;erving the great bear in the heavens,
the means by which the Chaldeans, the
fir&longs;t a&longs;tronomers, laid the foundation of
the &longs;cience. Fait, and I tink, &longs;aid Teague,

[figure description] Page 024.[end figure description]

it would be better to be in a good hou&longs;e,
with a &longs;houlder of mutton to ate before we
go to &longs;lape, than to have our own shoulders
tarn by the bears, or bru&longs;ed by lying
under great oaks. Of what u&longs;e is this astranomy?
did any of the&longs;e a&longs;tranamers
ever &longs;hoot down a bear in the firmament,
to get a joint of mate for a &longs;ick per&longs;on;
and what good comes of lying in de woods,
to be ate up by the &longs;nakes; but &longs;evers, and
agues, and &longs;ore troats, to get a long cough,
and die in a ditch like a dead hor&longs;e, and
be nothing thought of, but be trown into
ridicule like a black-head that has no &longs;en&longs;e.
It is better to go to a hou&longs;e and get a bed
to &longs;lape in, and warm &longs;hates about us, than
be lying in the dew like a frag, crocking
the next day like one of da&longs;e, and get no
good by it.

The Captain had made the propo&longs;ition
merely to divert him&longs;elf with Teague, and
&longs;o did not in&longs;i&longs;t upon it.

Riding one or two miles, the &longs;un was
&longs;etting, and a hou&longs;e appeared in view a little
off the road. A lane led up to it with
a meadow on one &longs;ide, and a pa&longs;ture field
on the other. On this la&longs;t, there were cattle
of cows, and &longs;heep grazing. The hou&longs;e
in front, was a frame building, re&longs;pectable

[figure description] Page 025.[end figure description]

in appearance, from the height, and dimensions,
but ancient. There was a considerable
extent of clear ground around
it, and an orchard hard by, with at lea&longs;t
five hundred apple-trees.

Having lodged chiefly at inns &longs;ince his
fir&longs;t &longs;etting out, the Captain had the curiosity
to diver&longs;ify his travels, by lodging
at a private hou&longs;e this evening. Accordingly
riding up to the door, and calling
out Halloa, which is the note of interrogation
which is u&longs;ed when a man wi&longs;hes the
ma&longs;ter or mi&longs;tre&longs;s of a family, or &longs;ome one
of the &longs;ervants, to come forth, to know
what he wants.

It happened that the mi&longs;tre&longs;s her&longs;elf
came to the door, and &longs;eeing a good looking
man, in a green old age, &longs;itting on
hor&longs;e-back, with his &longs;ervant ready to take
care of his &longs;teed &longs;hould he think proper
to di&longs;mount, &longs;he made a low curt&longs;ey, as
much as to &longs;ay, Sir, I &longs;hould be happy to
know, in what manner I can &longs;erve you.

Madam, &longs;aid the Captain, to tell you
the truth, the night is drawing on, and I
have been reflecting with my&longs;elf, whether
to lodge in the woods, or take a hou&longs;e.
All things con&longs;idered, I have thought it
mo&longs;t advi&longs;eable to take a hou&longs;e, and the

[figure description] Page 026.[end figure description]

only que&longs;tion that now remains is, whether
I can get one.

The lady &longs;miling with much complacency,
and inclining her head forward, and
her middle back, replied, I &longs;hould be happy,
Sir, if this &longs;mall man&longs;ion could afford
you an accomodation worthy of your &longs;uite.
Madam, &longs;aid the Captain, I &longs;hall be happy
if the gue&longs;t can be worthy of the accommodation.

Alight, Sir, &longs;aid the lady, we &longs;hall be
happy to receive you. Having alighted,
he was introduced to a very decent apartment,
where the lady &longs;eating her&longs;elf in a
large cu&longs;hioned chair, and pulling out her
box, took a pinch of &longs;nuff, and laid the
box upon the cu&longs;hion. She was a good
looking woman, being about fifty-&longs;even
years of age, with gray hairs, but a green
fillet on her left eye-brow, as it &longs;eems the
eye on that &longs;ide was &longs;ubject to a defluction
of rheum, which made it expedient tocover
it. It could not be &longs;aid that her
teeth were bad, becau&longs;e &longs;he had none. If
&longs;he wanted the ro&longs;e on her cheek, &longs;he had
it on her no&longs;e, &longs;o that it all came to the
&longs;ame thing. Nothing could be &longs;aid again&longs;t
her chin, but it u&longs;ed her mouth ill in getting
above it. She was not very tall, but

[figure description] Page 027.[end figure description]

what &longs;he wanted in height, &longs;he made up in
breadth; &longs;o that multiplying one dimen&longs;ion
by the other, &longs;he might be con&longs;idered as a
very &longs;izeable woman. After conver&longs;ing a
little while, the lady withdrew, to give directions
in the kitchen what to provide
for &longs;upper.

The Captain in the mean time taking
up a pipe, which he &longs;aw on the mantlepiece,
amu&longs;ed him&longs;elf with a whiff.

The old lady in the mean time was in
the kitchen, and the fir&longs;t thing &longs;he observed
was Teague, reclining in an angle of
the chimney fa&longs;t a&longs;leep. Con&longs;idering him
inattentive to his ma&longs;ter's hor&longs;e which had
been &longs;ent to the &longs;table, &longs;he de&longs;ired a servant
to give him a jog, and wake him.
Teague, awaking, &longs;aw the old lady, and
be&longs;poke her. Dear madam, what a great
happine&longs;s it is for poor &longs;harvants to have
gentle folks about them? God ble&longs;s your
anours lady&longs;hip; you are ju&longs;t for all the world
like my cou&longs;in Shala Shagney, the honsomest
woman in all Ireland, and was married
to Shan Cro&longs;&longs;an, who had a great estate,
and a flock of &longs;hape into the bargain.
She u&longs;ed to &longs;ay to me when I was a&longs;lape,
Teague are you awake; and when I was
awake, Teague are you a&longs;lape, dear honey.

[figure description] Page 028.[end figure description]

There is &longs;omething in an Iri&longs;hman which
has an admirable effect upon the fair; whether
it is owing to that love creating lustiness
of per&longs;on, and fre&longs;hne&longs;s of complexion
which they u&longs;ually po&longs;&longs;e&longs;s; or the delicacy
and quantum of the flattery of which they
are not niggardly; nor need they be &longs;o, no
per&longs;ons having a greater &longs;tock to come and
go upon. For &longs;o it was, that the language
of the bog trotter, had gained the good
will of this &longs;ame Hecuba, and &longs;he ordered
him a tankard of metheglim, to make himself
merry with the &longs;ervants.

Returning to the parlour &longs;he continued
her conver&longs;ation with the Captain; but her
mind running upon Teague &longs;he could not
avoid introducing his name, with a view
to learn &longs;ome particulars of his hi&longs;tory.
This is a civil young man, &longs;aid &longs;he, that
came with you, and of a conver&longs;ation above
ordinary per&longs;ons. The Captain being
an ob&longs;erver of the pa&longs;&longs;ions of the
mind, as they expre&longs;s them&longs;elves in the
eye and a&longs;pect, &longs;aw that Teague had made
&longs;ome impre&longs;&longs;ion on the affections of this
goodly old maiden gentlewoman: Nor
was he di&longs;plea&longs;ed with it; for his fir&longs;t alarm
was, that &longs;he would have fa&longs;tened
on him&longs;elf; but her pa&longs;&longs;ion taking this

[figure description] Page 029.[end figure description]

cour&longs;e, would be le&longs;s trouble&longs;ome. Framing
his an&longs;wers therefore to her que&longs;tions,
with a view to favour what had &longs;o fortunately
commenced, he gave her to understand,
that, though in the di&longs;gui&longs;e of
a &longs;ervant, Teague was no incon&longs;iderable
per&longs;onage; that he had been a member
of Congre&longs;s one or two years; though,
by the bye, this was &longs;tretching the matter
a little, as he had only had it in his power
to be one. But if it is allowable to &longs;train
a point at all, it is in the recommendation
of one who &longs;tands well enough already;
for not being taken on the recommendation,
there is no deception; and it
is but civility to make one more plea&longs;ed
with their choice, than they already are.

The Captain &longs;aid nothing of his having
preached, or being about to preach; for
the idea of &longs;ermons, and catechi&longs;ms, impressing
the mind with religious awe, is
unfavourable to love. As to his being a
member of the philo&longs;ophical &longs;ociety, it
could be neither here nor there with a lady,
and therefore he was &longs;ilent with re&longs;pect
to this al&longs;o.

Supper being brought in, they &longs;at down;
but little conver&longs;ation pa&longs;&longs;ed; the mind
of the enamorata being more in the

[figure description] Page 030.[end figure description]

kitchen than in the parlour. After &longs;upper, the
Captain &longs;itting &longs;ometime, and &longs;eeming
drow&longs;y, was a&longs;ked by his ho&longs;te&longs;s, if he
cho&longs;e to go to bed: An&longs;wering in the
affirmative, a &longs;ervant waited with a candle;
and bidding her good night, he was
lighted to his chamber.

No &longs;ooner had he withdrawn, but the
old lady &longs;ent her compliments to Teague,
to take a &longs;eat in the parlour; where &longs;itting
down to a roa&longs;ted duck, ju&longs;t brought in,
a few &longs;lices of gammon on a plate, a piece
of veal, and a couple of roa&longs;ted potatoes,
he was de&longs;ired to partake: the old lady
ca&longs;ting amourous looks at him, in the
mean time. I &longs;ay looks; for though
&longs;he had but one eye to look with, yet
looking often, &longs;he might be &longs;aid to ca&longs;t
looks. It was a new thing to the Irishman,
to be at a table with a &longs;ervant at
his back; and he began now to think that
fortune meant to do him ju&longs;tice: and with
an ea&longs;e, and &longs;elf-po&longs;&longs;e&longs;&longs;ion, which &longs;ome
would call affrontery, he did the honours
of the table; helping him&longs;elf, and talking
as fa&longs;t as con&longs;i&longs;ted with his di&longs;po&longs;ition
to &longs;atisfy his appetite. May it plea&longs;e your
lady&longs;hip, &longs;aid he, I am a poor &longs;harvant
now, but I have &longs;een the time, when I

[figure description] Page 031.[end figure description]

have ate at as good a table as the Captain
my ma&longs;ter, though he rides upon a hor&longs;e
and I trot on foot. My uncle, by the
mother's &longs;ide, Shan O'Gan, had a deer
park, and kept race-hor&longs;es, to go to de
fair, and the city of Cork; and my father's
brother, Phelim O'Regan, was a
ju&longs;tice of the pace, and hung paple for
&longs;taleing &longs;hape. I might have been a member
of parliament, if I had &longs;taid at home
and went to &longs;chool; but &longs;ending a challenge,
and fighting wid my own dear cousin
Denis O'Conelly, I had to fly de kingdom,
and brought noting wid me but my
brogs, and ten guineas in my pur&longs;e; and
am now noting but a poor &longs;harvant, unle&longs;s
your lady&longs;hip would take pity upon me,
and marry me; for I am wary of this way
of tratting after a crazy Captain, that has
no &longs;en&longs;e to curry his own har&longs;e; and I
have to fight duels for him, and keep him
from being knocked down like a brute
ba&longs;te; for dis very day, when he had a
quarrel wid a ha&longs;tler, and was trown upon
his back, I lifted him up, and &longs;aid,
Dear honey, are you dead? took de ha&longs;tler
by de troat, and choaked him, and he
could not &longs;pake, but &longs;aid, Dear shentlemen,
&longs;pare my life; &longs;o dat if your

[figure description] Page 032.[end figure description]

ladyship will take me to your&longs;elf, I will &longs;tay
wid you, and take care of de har&longs;es, and
cows, and de &longs;hape, and plant parates, and
&longs;lape wid you, and a&longs;k not a farthing, but
your own &longs;weat &longs;elf into de bargain; for
you are de beauty of de world; and fasting
or &longs;laping, I could take you to my
arms, dear crature, and be happy wid
you.

The lady was by this time entirely won,
and gave him to under&longs;tand, that in the
morning, after con&longs;ulting a friend or two,
the marriage might be celebrated.

I give only a &longs;ketch of the court&longs;hip that
took place, for a great deal was &longs;aid; and
it was near midnight before the lovers
could prevail upon them&longs;elves to part;
when Teague was lighted to his bed, and
had as good as that in which the Captain
&longs;lept, which was a new thing to him; being
accu&longs;tomed to pig in with ho&longs;tlers and
&longs;ervants, at the places where they lodged.

The Captain was up early in the morning,
and a&longs;toni&longs;hed not to find Teague stiring,
but enquiring of the &longs;ervants where
Teague &longs;lept, he was &longs;hewn up a pair of
&longs;tairs, which he a&longs;cended, thinking he
had one or two more to a&longs;cend before he
reached the garret. But what was his

[figure description] Page 033.[end figure description]

astonishment, when he was &longs;hewn into a
room on the &longs;econd floor, where he found
Teague &longs;noring on a feather bed with
curtains. Waking him, Teague; &longs;aid he,
this goes beyond all your former impudence;
to crawl up out of the kitchen, and
get into a feather bed. Plea&longs;e your anour,
&longs;aid Teague, to ring a bell, and call up a
&longs;harvant, to bring boots, and &longs;lippers; for
I am to be married dis marning.

The Captain was thunder-&longs;truck; and
comprehending the whole of what had taken
place, &longs;aw his faux pas in recommending
him to the ho&longs;te&longs;s; and now it only
remained, to cure the blunder he had
made, if it was at all curable.

We are &longs;hort &longs;ighted mortals; and while
we &longs;top one leak, the water ru&longs;hes in at
another. The very means that we u&longs;e to
&longs;ave our&longs;elves from one evil, leads us to a
wor&longs;e. The Captain had need on this
occa&longs;ion of all his addre&longs;s. Compo&longs;ing
him&longs;elf, he di&longs;&longs;embled, and &longs;poke as follows:

Teague, &longs;aid he, will you that are a
young man, and have great pro&longs;pects before
you, con&longs;ign your&longs;elf to the arms of an
old woman. Her breath will kill you in
the cour&longs;e of a fortnight. The fact is, &longs;he

[figure description] Page 034.[end figure description]

is a witch, and inchantre&longs;s; &longs;he made the
&longs;ame propo&longs;ition to me la&longs;t night, of marrying
me; but I declined it. The world
is full of the&longs;e &longs;ort of cattle. There was
one Shagne&longs;a Circe, in old times, that used
to gather all &longs;he could into her net,
and transform them into hogs. Sir Teague
Uly&longs;&longs;es was the only one that had the &longs;en&longs;e
to keep clear of her mu&longs;ic, and avoid her.
Did you &longs;ee that drove of hogs before the
door, when we rode up la&longs;t evening. They
are nothing more than &longs;tragglers which &longs;he
has transformed into &longs;wine. I did not &longs;leep
a wink la&longs;t night, thinking of the danger
to which you were expo&longs;ed, and indeed I
expected nothing le&longs;s, than to find you
this morning a barrow, fattened up for a
fea&longs;t, a day or two hence. Did you think
&longs;uch an old haridan as this can have any
natural concupi&longs;cence for a man; or if &longs;he
has, it is for a few days only, until &longs;he can
make him fit for &longs;laughter. Then by throwing
a little water on him, or by the bare
blowing of her breath, &longs;he makes a beefcow,
or hog-meat of him, and he finds the
knife at his throat, and &longs;calding water taking
off his bri&longs;tles, and his guts out, and
is into the pickling-tub before he knows
what he is about. Do you think, Teague,

[figure description] Page 035.[end figure description]

that I have read books for nothing? Have
you not &longs;een me in my &longs;tudy, morning
and night, looking over Greek, and Hebrew
letters, like partridge tracks? All
this to find out what was going on up and
down the world. Many a hi&longs;tory of witches,
and conjurers, I have read, and know
them when I &longs;ee them, ju&longs;t as I would my
own &longs;heep, when I am at home. Better
indeed, for unle&longs;s my &longs;heep are marked, I
could not know them; but marked or not
marked, I know witches; and if I am not
mi&longs;taken, this is the greate&longs;t witch that ever
run. She was all night in my room,
in the &longs;hape of a cat. It is God's mercy,
that &longs;he had not changed her&longs;elf into an
alligator, and eat you up before the morning.
When I came into the room I expected
to find nothing el&longs;e but bones, and
particles of hair, the remnant of her repast;
but it &longs;eems &longs;he has thought you not
fat enough, and has given you a day or
two to run, to improve your fle&longs;h, and
take the &longs;alt better. The wor&longs;t thing, after
transformation, is the having you cut,
in order to make you fatter and better
pork, which is generally done the fir&longs;t
day; and ca&longs;tration is a painful operation,
be&longs;ides the lo&longs;s of the part. I have

[figure description] Page 036.[end figure description]

had &longs;everal of my acquaintances &longs;erved in
this manner, falling in with old women
whom they took for fortunes; but were
in reality witches, and had dealings with
the devil.

Teague by this time was out of bed, and
had dre&longs;&longs;ed him&longs;elf in his overalls and &longs;hort
coat, and was ready for a march. Indeed
he wi&longs;hed to e&longs;cape as &longs;oon as po&longs;&longs;ible;
and de&longs;cending the &longs;tairs, going to the
&longs;table, and &longs;addling the hor&longs;e, they both
&longs;et out, without taking leave. It was in
this manner Eneas quitted Dido, and got
a &longs;hip-board, before &longs;he was awake; and
the only difference was, that Teague had
left no little Iulus in the hall, to put her
in mind of the father.

[figure description] Page 037.[end figure description]

TRAVELLING along, the Captain
could not but ob&longs;erve to Teague, the
injudicious choice he was about to make,
even had the woman not been a necromancer.
For the man who &longs;urrenders
him&longs;elf to the arms of a &longs;uperannuated female,
for the &longs;ake of fortune, acts a part
not le&longs;s unworthy and di&longs;graceful, than the
pro&longs;titute who does the &longs;ame for half a
crown. While a man has the u&longs;e of his
limbs and arms, he ought to be above &longs;uch
mercenary motives; and true happine&longs;s
can be found only in congruity, and what
is natural. Teague &longs;eemed &longs;till to have
&longs;ome hankering after the &longs;upper of ducks,
and the feather bed; but as they proceeded,
the recollection became more faint,
for di&longs;tance and time, is the cure of all
pa&longs;&longs;ions.

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