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HALLELOOGY! halleloogy! halleloogy! I
see a lite! It beams onto me! It penetrates
me! It fills me! Goy to the world!

I hev diskivered the cause uv the decline uv the
Dimocrisy. I seed it yisterday. I wuz a wanderin
on the neighborin hills, a musin onto the cussednis
uv humanity ez exemplified in the person uv the
grocery keeper at the Corners, who unanimusly
refoozed to give me further credit for corn whisky,
wich is the article they yoose in this country to pizen
theirselves with. He asshoored me that he hed
the utmost regard for my many virtues; but he diskivered
that the one he prized the most I hedn't so
many uv, to wit, that uv payin for my likker.

[figure description] Page 061.[end figure description]

Therefore the account mite be considered closed.
Then, for the fust time in my life, I bleeved in total
depravity.

While musin, in a melonkoly mood, on this dark
cloud wich fell across my pathway, and the fall uv
the Dimocratic party, I came onto a party of men
borin for ile. Then the trooth flashed over me.
Their operations showed me the way to success —
the shoor path to triumph.

“When,” said I to myself, “when men seek gain
they bore for it. They go down — never up. Even
so with the Dimocrisy. We dug downward, downward,
downward, through all the strata uv society.
We went through the groceries; the next stratum
was the most ignorant uv the furiners; then we
struck the poor whites uv the South; then, below
them, the heft uv the people uv Noo Gersy; then
Southern Illinoy and Indiana; then Pike county,
Missouri; and so on. We never went upward for
converts, cause 'twant no use. When a man wanted
to jine us he alluz hed to come down. We got lots
of converts.

There was a regular slidin scale, which the heft
uv Democrats who wuznt born in the party hev
slid down; to wit: —

Quarter dollar smiles.

[figure description] Page 062.[end figure description]

15 cent nips.

10 cent drinks.

5 cent sucks.

A flat flask conceeled.

A bottle openly.

Dimocrisy.

We lost our hold for two reasons. First, the poor
likker we hev now kills off our voters too fast; and
the tax on whiskey forced two thirds uv our people
to quit suckin, and ez soon ez they begun to git on
their feet they jined the Ablishnists. Secondly, our
leaders spozed there wuz no lower stratum to dig
into, and give up in disgust.

But I hev deskivered that lower stratum — I hev
found it; and when the idea flashed over my Websterian
intelleck, I shouted Halleloogy! The nigger
is the lower stratum; and ef we bore down to
it, and work it thoroughly, we hev, at least, a twenty
years' lease uv power.

We must cultivate the nigger. He must hev
the suffrage! It is a burnin shame, that, in this
Nineteenth Sentry, in the full blaze uv intelligence,
livin under a Deklarashun which declares all men
“free and ekal,” that a large body uv men shood be
denied the glorius privilege uv bein taken up to the
poles and voted. Is not the Afrikin a man? Is he

[figure description] Page 063.[end figure description]

not taxed ez we are, and more than most uv the Democrisy,
for many uv em own property? Is he
not amenable to all the laws, even ez we is? Then
why, I triumphantly ask, is he not entitled to a vote?
Ah! why, indeed?

“But this is Ablishnism!” methinks I hear a obtoose
Dimocrisy observe in horrer. “And why give
them votes who will use em agin us?”

My gentle friend, will they use their ballot agin
us? Ef I know myself, I think not. Kin they read?
Kin they write? Aint the bulk uv em rather degraded
and low than otherwise? Methinks. Aint
that the kind uv stock we want, and the kind wich
hez alluz set us up? Readin hez alluz bin agin us.
Every skool master is a engine uv Ablishnism;
every noosepaper is a cuss. General Wise, uv Virginia,
when he thanked God there wuzn't a noosepaper
in his deestrick, hed reason to; for do yoo
spoze a readin constitooency wood hev ever kept
sich a blatherskite ez him in Congress year after
year?

Then, agin, the Constooshnal Amendment will
pass, givin representashen to voters alone. The
Democratic States will hev more members uv Congress
and more electoral votes than afore the war;
and them States we kin depend on.

[figure description] Page 064.[end figure description]

But my skeem is still more comprehensive. Them
niggers ain't needed in the South. We'll send em
North. A few thousand will overbalance the Ablishun
majority in Noo Gersey; fifty thousand will
bring Ohio back to the fold; the same number will
do for New York and Pennsylvany, and the country
is saved — we will be able to elect the President.
Thus the pit the Ablishnist dug for us he'll fall into
hisself; the club he cut for us will break his own
head.

Honey hez kum out uv the carcass; good hez
perceded from Nazareth. The nigger smells sweeter
to me now than Nite bloomin Serious; he is more
precious to me than gold, or silver, or preshus stones.
He is the way, and I shel walk in it. He shel lift
me into a Post orifis. We must give our Afrikin
brother, — for is he not a man and a brother? — not
only the suffrage, but he must hev land, and the Democracy
must give it to him. I want Garrit Davis
to instantly interdoose a bill into the Senit givin
each family a quarter section uv land, a pair uv
mules, and a cook stove; and each female Afrikin
brother two flarin calico dresses and a red bonnet.
I want him to advocate the bill in a speech uv not
more than two hours, so that it will stand some
chance uv passin. On second thought, I guess some

[figure description] Page 065.[end figure description]

other man hed better interdoose the bill, as the Sennit
hez got into sich a habit uv votin down everything
he proposes, that they'd slather this without
considerin it, on jineral principles.

Then we've got em. Work ez hard ez they may
at it, it'll take twenty years afore the Ablishinists
kin edjukate em up to the standard uv votin their
tikkit; and even that time won't do it if we kin git
the tax taken off uv whiskey, so that we kin afford
to use it ez in the happy days uv yore.

Goyusly I went home to lay the foundashun uv
the new temple uv Dimocrisy. I slept that nite
atween two niggers, and hev bin shakin hands and
enquirin after the health uv the families uv all I hev
met. Its rather hard for an orthodox Democrat.
Sich sudden shifts is rather wrenchin on the conshence.
But what uv that? The Dimocrat who
hez follered the party closely for thirty years ought
not to balk at sich a triflin change ez this, pertiklerly
when it promises sich glorious results.

p636-079 IX. Enjoys a Vision of the Next World, seeing therein many Curious Things, which are published as a Warning to Politicians. Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
February 5, 1866.

[figure description] Page 066.[end figure description]

LAST nite I retired to my virtoous couch, at
precisely half past eleven, after eatin a rather
light supper for that time uv night. I alluz make it
a pint to eat light in the evenin, for I'm gittin old,
and my digestive faculties ain't what they was when
I wuz young. Alas! we who hev lived out the
best part uv our days, wat wood we give to be set
back to the time when, with our faculties unimpaired,
we cood consoom a good square meal without
fear uv consekenses! But

I paid my respecks to 2 mince pies, a pair uv
pig's feet, some cold tongue, and a plate uv tripe,

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[figure description] Illustration page.[end figure description]

[figure description] Page 067.[end figure description]

follered by a half dozen dough nuts and a couple or
more uv glasses uv hot whisky punch; and singler
ez it may seem, it didn't set well. I dreamed all
night, and my dreams wuznt at all pleasant. Methawt
I hed deceest, and wuz in the next world. It
was a singler site that met my vision. The dividin
line atween this world and the next wuz a swift
stream uv water, and every deceest spirit hed to
cross it. The water wuz suthin like that uv the
Dead Sea. A man, unencumbered with anything,
cood walk on it, but they sunk down in it if they
wuz loaded, accordin to what they hed to carry.
On the tother side uv this Jordan wuz heaven; the
dominions uv his majesty Satan the 1st wuz below,
and to it a strong under current flowed, which took
all them ez wuz too heavy loaded to keep their
chins above water.

On the bank stood more than two millions uv
little devils, who flung onto the shoulders uv them
tryin to cross their failins, and weaknesses, and
iniquities.

General Breckinridge wuz the first that I saw
enter the flood. He hed on a life preserver, labelled
“States Rights,” but a peert little devil stuck a pin
into it, and it collapsed, the gas with wich it wuz
filled smellin horribly. Down he went, and ez he

[figure description] Page 068.[end figure description]

sunk, they commenced peltin him with packages
labelled “Treason,” “Perjury,” and “Murder,” and
John C. went under.

Old James Buckanon went next. The old gentleman
didn't keep above water as long ez a able
bodied man could hold a bar uv red hot iron in his
hand. He made one splash, when a weight labelled
“Treason” struck him, and down he went. The
gentlemanly and urbane devil who had him in
charge had a big pile more uv ammunition to discharge
at him, but that one wuz sufficient.

Vallandigham come next. I wuz surprised to see
no one make a motion at him, but he sunk all the
same. “We never waste effort,” sed Satan to me;
“he carries enough natural cussedness about him,
all the time, to sink him, without pilin any devilment
on his shoulders wich is ten days old.”

Frank Peerce made his appearance, but declined
to enter. He wuz immediately seezed, and on each
leg wuz tied a weight labelled “Kansas,” and they
flung him in. He went down like a shot, and that's
the last I seed uv him.

Garret Davis went in, and to my surprise, passed
over safely. Nothin wuz flung at him, for wich I
asked the reason.

“Why,” sed Satan, “the poor old man isn't

[figure description] Page 069.[end figure description]

accountable. He commenced to talk many years ago,
and keeps on talkin because he really don't know
when to stop. I could hev sunk him, but the fact
is, I woodent endoor what the Senit uv the Yoonited
States hez hed to, for the past few years, for a
dozen uv Tombs lawyers. Besides this, I'm gettin
more from Kentucky now than I am really entitled
to. I've a mortgage on two-thirds uv that State.”

Fernandy and Ben Wood come up rather bold,
and entered the flood ez though they were sure uv
goin through all right. With a inimitable chuckle,
Satan motioned away the inexperienced devils, and
sed, “Leave em to me,” and at Ben he hurled a
package uv the New York News, wich swashed
him down instanter. Jest ez Fernandy wuz beginnin
to reach the other shore, he flung onto him
an assortment uv weights, labelled “Lotteries” and
“Riots,” which took him down to the arm pits, and
finished by tumblin onto him a mass, onto wich wuz
written “Mayoralty,” and down he went; at wich
His Majesty drew a sigh uv relief.

Seein the style uv the men who sunk, I remarked
unto him, —

“This war hez bin a rather profitable thing for
you.”

“Nothin to speek uv,” sed he. “The leaders uv

[figure description] Page 070.[end figure description]

the Southerners were, sum uv em, honest, and got
through on that account, and the rank and file were
ignorant wretches, who ain't accountable, no how.
The leading copperheads uv the North were mine,
anyhow, from the beginnin. Any man who cood
sympathize with the rebels in sich a struggle, must,
yoo will acknowledge, hev hed a long career uv iniquity
to fit em for sich a sin. Why,” sed he, “do
yoo think I use all the shot I hev? Not any. Them
yoove seen piled on were used because, bein the
last, they were on the top uv the pile.

“Any quantity uv yoor party escaped me. Them
fellows who are yet votin for Jackson I'll never git,
and the most uv them ez alluz votes unscratched
tickets will dodge me. Their innocence protects
em. It takes a modritly smart man to be vishus
enuff to come to me; he hez to hev sense enuff to
distinguish between good and evil, cussednis enuff
to deliberately choose the latter, and brains enuff to
do suthin startlin in that line. Dan Voorhees, uv
Injeany, hez all these qualities developed to a degree
wich excites my profound respect. Between him
and Fernandy Wood its nip and tuck. Fernandy
did wicked things with more neatnis than Voohees,
but for a actual love uv doin em Voohees beets the
world. I sed,” continued he, “that the war wuzn't

[figure description] Page 071.[end figure description]

uv much yoose to me. I repeat it; it wuz a damage.
Afore the war, I hed my own way, pretty
much, in the Southern States. For every octoroon,
I cood count on at least two planters, and under the
patriarkle system uv Afrikin slavery (wich, by the
way, wuz one uv my most brilliant consepshuns),
octooroons multiplied with a rapidity pleasin to behold.
But now, alas! the octooroon bizness is done,
and my best holt is gone. I hev some little hope,
however. The Dimocrisy are displayin a vigger I
didn't think they possest. Ef they kin only git
strength enuff to elect the next President and reestablish
slavery! The thought fills me with unutterable
joy. The redoosin of the nigger to bondage
agin wood give me a clean title to evry last one who
helped to do it, and in gittin em back into their normal
condishun (by the way, that's another phrase
uv mine), ther'd be enuff slaughterin and murders to
satisfy several sich Satans ez I am. I'd help em ef
I knowd how, but I can't improve on either their
speekers or writers, and ez long ez men will do my
work gratis, I don't see the yoose uv interferin.”

At this pint a couple uv small imps undertook to
push me into the stream, and in the struggle, I
awoke. My dreem wuz o'er, but the impreshun
remained. “Kin it be,” mused I, pensively, “that

[figure description] Page 072.[end figure description]

we are doin the devil's work, and are we to be
finally rewarded in the manner I saw in my vision?
Ef so, hedn't I better quit and repent?”

But I thought agin, that however it mite be for
younger men, it wood be uv no yoose for me. I
hed voted the strait ticket for thirty years, and the
ten or twelve years I hed to live wuz too short a
time in which to repent successfully uv sich iniquity.
So I sank into sleep agin, this time dreemin that I
had turned Fenian — hed elected myself Hed Center
for the Stait uv Kentucky, and wuz just investin
$75,000 in a magnificent plantashun.

p636-088 X. SONNIT Onto a Soldier, wich wuz wunst a Dimekrat, but is now a howlin Ablishnist, wich I saw a limpin about on one Leg, hevin left the other at Anteetam.

[figure description] Page 073.[end figure description]

p636-089 XI. The Situation. — The Attempt of the President to wheedle Democrats into Supporting his Policy without giving them the Offices commented upon. — The Democracy warned. Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
February 15, 1866.

[figure description] Page 074.[end figure description]

I HEV had hopes uv Androo Johnson. My waitin
sole hez bin centred onto him for a year back.
He wuz the Moses wich I spected wood lead the
Democrisy out uv the desolate Egypt into which we
hev bin making bricks without straw for five long
weary and dreary years. O, how I hev yearned
for Johnson! O, how I hev waited, day after
day, and week after week, and month after month,
for some manifestation uv Dimocrisy wich is satisfactory—
suthin tangible — suthin that I cood take
hold on.

Faith is the substance uv things hoped for, and the
evidence of things not seen; wich is all right so fur

[figure description] Page 075.[end figure description]

ez religion ez concerned, but uv no account in politix.
A friend uv mine, who wuz a monomaniack
on the subjick uv faith, undertook to live on it, under
the insane belief that ef a man had faith pork
wuz unnecessary. Wuz the experiment a success?
Not any. When he commenst the trial he weighed
200; in a week he wuz down to 125; and in fourteen
days he slep in the valley!

I hev bin livin on faith for a year or more, and I
too am thin. My bones show; light shines through
me; I am faint and sick. Oh, for suthin that I can
see and feel — suthin solid!

Our Dimocratic noosepapers are supportin Androo
Johnson. They claim that his polisy is our
polisy; that he is ourn, and we are hizn. They are
singin hosanners to him. At his every act they exclaim
Halleloogy! in chorus. What is it all about?
In what partikeler hez Androo Johnson showed hisself
to be a Dimokrat? In the name uv Dimocrisy
let me ask, “Where is the offices?” Who's
got em? What is the politikle convickshuns uv the
wretch who is post master at the Corners, and who
only last nite refused, in the most heartless manner,
to trust me for postage stamps? Who is the Collectors,
the Assessors, et settry? Are they constitooshnel
Dimokrats? Is Stanton, and Seward, and

[figure description] Page 076.[end figure description]

Welles histed out uv the cabinet, and Vallandigum,
and Brite, and Wood apinted in their places? Not
onct. Every post master, every collector, every assessor,
every officer, is a ablishinist, dyed deeply
and in fast colors.

Faith without works is a weak institution; its
like a whisky punch with the whisky omitted, wich
is a disgustin mixter uv warm water and sugar.
What is it to me (who hev bin ready to accept any
position uv wich the salary wuz sufficient to maintain
a individooal uv simple habits) who is beheaded,
so ez I don't get a place? Androo Johnson may cut
off offishl heads ez dexterously and proofoosely ez
he chooses; but my sole refuses to thrill when I
know that Ablishnists, though uv a different stripe,
will be apinted. So long ez Dimocrats are kept
out, what care I who hez the places? Paul may
plant and Apollus water; but uv what account
is the plantin and waterin to me ef I don't get the
increase? I take no delight in sich spectacles. Ef
Androo Johnson proposes to be a Dimockrat, — ef
he desires the honest, hearty support of the party, —
let him seel his faith with works.

I visited Washington with the express purpose uv
seein the second Jackson. I am a frank man, and I
laid the matter afore him without hesitation. I told

[figure description] Page 077.[end figure description]

him that the Postmaster at the Corners wuz opposin
his policy and aboosin him continually; that it wuz
a outrage that men holdin place under the Administration
should not sustain the Administration. In
the name uv Right, I demanded a change.

I sposed that to wunst the position would be offered
to me; and after protestin a sufficient time
that I did not wish it, and would prefer the apintment
of some more worthy man, I should accept it,
and go home provided for three years. Imagine my
deep, my unutterable disgust, when he told me that
he wood investigate the matter, and probably wood
make a change, provided he could find, in the
vicinity, some original Union man who would
accept the place!

Then the iron entered my soul. Then I felt that
in him we had no lot nor part.

Our principles are uv a very comprehensive nature.
We are willin to endorse Andro Johnson, or
any other man. We will endorse his theories uv
Reconstruction, or any man's theories. We are
elastic, like Injy rubber. The boy who set a hen on
a hundred eggs acknowledged to his maternal parent
that she could not kiver em; but he remarked
he wanted to see the old thing spred herself. We
have that spreadin capacity. We kin accommodate

[figure description] Page 078.[end figure description]

the prejudices uv the people uv all the various localities.
In Connecticut we are singin John Brown's
body lies a mouldrin in the grave, in a modritly loud
tone, and supporting a Ablishnist who voted for
doin away with slavery in the District of Columby
and for the Constooshnel Amendment. In Kentucky
we are hangin men uv the John Brown style,
and mobbin all uv the persuasion uv the Connecticut
nominee. Sich a variety uv principle, — a party uv
sich adaptibility, — kin hev but one great central
idee, on wich there is no diversity uv opinion, and
to which all other ideas is subordinate. That idea
is Post Office! and ef Androo Johnson could be
got rite on that question, we'd care not wat else he
required uv us.

We hev our arms around Androo. We are huggin
him to our buzzums; but he hez left his baggage
to hum. That baggage is wat we want; and we
shel fling him off shortly, onless he changes his
policy in this respeck. He kin hev us on easy
terms; but he must furnish the ammunishun with
which to fight his battles. Will he do it? That's
the question a hundred thousand hungry soles, who
hanker even ez I do, are daily askin.

p636-094 XII. The President's 22d of February Speech. — The Account thereof of One behind the Scenes. — Hopes and Fears of the Democracy. Washington, February 23, 1866.

[figure description] Page 079.[end figure description]

I DON'T know; but there is a still small voice
within me wich whispers, “All is well!” The
delusive phantom, Hope, may be playin false with
me. The wish may be paternal parient to the
thought, and I may be indulgin in a dream from
wich I shel be, to-morrer, roodly awakened; but
it's my opinion that the day-star uv glory hez arozen
onto the Dimocracy; that our night uv gloom is
over; and that, at larst, the Government, or at
least the only part we care about, — the offisis, —
is ourn. I heerd Androo Johnson speak last nite!
I stood beside him! I helpt hold him up! I smelt
his breath. It's all rite!

I hed hopes when he vetoed that large and varied
assortment uv Ablishn abominashens, — the

[figure description] Page 080.[end figure description]

Freedmen's Burow bill, — notwithstandin there were
pints in his message I coodent sanction. The veto
wuz heavenly, but his reasons were unsound.
When he expressed hisself ez bein determined
upon sekoorin the niggers in their rites, I felt
fearful that there wuz a honist diffrence uv opinion
atween him and Congress wich mite be settled,
and then what wood become uv us? Ef the niggers
is to hev rites, in the name uv Heaven, I asked
myself, what difference does it make to us whether
they hev em by Charles Summer's system (on whose
head rest cusses!), or A. Johnson's? And ez is
customary when men ask theirselves questions, I got
no answer. Men never ask theirselves questions
wich kin be answered.

But last nite my doubts wuz removed. Little
Sam Cox, and Dan Voorhees, and the Woods, and
Tom Florence, and Coyle, and me, hed bin with
Androo all day. The Ablishnists avoided him after
the veto; and knowin he'd done suthin he wuzn't
quite shoor wuz wise, he needed bracin up, and we
wuz ready to brace him. Isn't it singler that men,
when they go to the devil, alluz go in squads? Cox
hed him cornered all day, a readin to him extrax
from Forney's Press, and choice selections from
Sumner's speeches; and Voorhees and the others

[figure description] Page 081.[end figure description]

wuz a intimatin to him that only in the buzzum uv
the Dimocrisy cood he find that conjeniality uv
sperit so nessary to him; and by the time the serenade
wuz ready, he wuz ez full uv venom ez wuz
possible, and his capassity in that line is immense.

The company all went with him onto the stand,
and my eyes saw the first cheerin vision wich they
hev beheld for years. Before us stood ten thousand
or more Dimocrats. There wuz the veteran from
Lee's army in his soot uv gray, which hed, by continyood
contact with the pavements uv Washington—
wich, not hevin bin slept on much, sense Bookannon's
time, they don't sweep — hed become somewhat
uv the color uv the clay. There wuz the offiser
who surrendered with Johnston, and them noble
sons uv Baltimore, and Rawly, and Charleston,
who, though they didn't serve their section in the
field, were ardent in their support uv the cause.
There were the old-style Dimocrats uv the North,
whose faith in Johnson's Dimocrisy, based upon the
scene wich took place at the inauguration, wuz
greater than mine, hed come on with their applications
for Post Offises, and who jined so heartily in
the cheers wich went up for J. Davis: and there,
addressin this crowd, wuz a President — the man

[figure description] Page 082.[end figure description]

who had the appintin power in his hands — who
cood make and unmake Post Offisis.

It did me good, and yet I doubtid. Wood he go
through with it? Wood he lock horns with Wade
and Summer, and dare the wrath uv Thad Stevens?
Wood he? He wavered and shrunk back ez he
saw the style uv the awdience before him; for he
hed bin, for four years, accustomed to better dressed
people. But Cox and Florence wuz ekal to the
emergency. Samyooel whispered into his one ear,
“Whitewash!” and Florence into tother, “Charles
the I.!” and flamin up like a conflagratid oil well,
he waded it. Then I felt that it wuz all right.
Then my soul expanded; and ez he went on, pilin
Billinsgate upon Billinsgate, usin Tennessee stump
slang, improved by a liberal mixter uv the more
desprit variety he hed picked up in Washington and
Baltimore, I felt that it wuz indeed well with us.
He wuz talkin ez a Dimokrat to Dimokrats; and it
wuz appreciated. Strippin off all uv the disguise
he hed bin a wearin for four years, — washin off, in
rage and whisky, the varnish and putty with wich
he hed shined up his dullness, and filled up the
cracks and cavities wich hed alluz troubled him, —
he stood forth ez we knowd him — Androo Johnson!
How he did froth and foam! How he did lash his

[figure description] Page 083.[end figure description]

late associates! and how those Dimokrats who
kum to Washinton with petitions for places in their
pockets did wink at each other, and poke each other
in the ribs, with exultation and jockelarity wich
they cood not conceal! And how the Ablishnists,
wich hung onto the outskirts uv the crowd, in the
hope that he wood declare himself in sich a way
ez to give em some hope, did walk away sorrowfully
and sore, ez tho they felt that they hed a new
trouble afore em! And how the soljers uv Lee, and
the quartermasters wich hed made Richmond their
headquarters doorin the war, did cheer and sling
their hats into the air, and in the uncontrollable
enthoosiasm uv the moment invariably snatch better
ones from the heads uv the Northern men in the
crowd! It wuz gorgus.

While His Eggslency's course gives me hope, I
don't want it to be understood that I am prepared to
fully and entirely indorse him. I don't go much on
men who do things in a state uv madnis; neither do
I invest heavy in that Dimokrat wich requires an
extra load uv likker to make him act and talk like a
Dimokrat. Androo Johnson was and is a Dimokrat—
a ginooine Dimokrat. The accident uv his
learnin to read, in his yooth, gave him a preëminence
over us in Tennessee, and put him through

[figure description] Page 084.[end figure description]

the various places he hez filled. His affinities wuz
with us; his style wuz our style, and his habits our
habits; and he hed no biznis to ever git out uv the
fold. I cannot forgit that he went back on us at a
critikle time in the histry uv the party. He saw
that the effort the Dimocrisy uv the South wuz
makin to regain their rites wood be a failyoor;
the aristocracy uv the South hed snubbed him, and
refoozed to recognize him; but all this shood not
hev affected him. It's the normal condishn uv the
lower grade uv Dimokrats to be snubbed; and they
hev no rite to inquire whether anything the aristocracy
uv the party propose is goin to be a failyoor
or not. It's their dooty to obey orders without questionin.

Wat spiled Johnson wuz Massachoosits. He pretended
to be loyal, and Massachoosits patted him
on the back. They took him into good society.
They let him associate with Summer and sich, and
the man became infatooated. He got to drinkin high
priced drinks, and wearin clean shirts, and begun to
ape the manners uv those into whose sphere he hed
bin thrown. There wuz these two opposin forces
contendin within him — nateral proclivities and acquired
tastes — wich may be represented by whiskey
out uv a jug, and mint jooleps at Willard's.

[figure description] Page 085.[end figure description]

Massychoosits wuz a pullin him up, and North Carolina
wuz equally vigorously pullin him down. He
wantid to stay with Massychoosits, but he wuz uncomfortable
all the time; and finally nacher asserted
her supremacy, and he broke over, and like the
water long confined in a dam, when its bustid its
obstructions, and goes, it goes with a loosenis, and
tears up, and takes a very large quantity uv dirt and
drift wood with it.

Before I tie myself to A. J., I want to know for
certin what he proposes to do. Who is to hev
the Post Offisis? Is Ablishnists to still retain
the places uv trust and profit? Does he propose
to organize a new party, made up uv sich Republikins
ez he can indoose to foller him and the Dimocrisy?
Ef so, I ain't in. Decidedly, I ain't in. Emphatically,
count me out. For the reason, that he
kin git jist enuff Republikins, percisely, and no
more, to fill the offisis, and they will be uv sich a
character ez will do the Dimokrisy no credit. I
won't be tail to no kite. We are willin to play kite;
but tail, never! Ef we boost Androo Johnson, Androo
Johnson must boost us. Does he think we
kin carry sich a load ez he is for nothin? Nary.
Ef we hev a consoomin desire to git along without
offisis, we are doin very well at that now, we

[figure description] Page 086.[end figure description]

thank you; and we haven't the responsibility uv
the Administration uv a eggstremely shaky man to
carry. Sich loads must be paid for.

But, after all, I hev hopes. He hez cut hisself
loose from Sumner and Stevens; and in less than a
week every Republikin uv modrit sensibilities will
be aboozin uv him to that extent that he won't be
able to git back agin. He's an animal uv the bull
kind; and criticism and opposition is to him the
red flag wich the Spanish matadors, I bleeve they
call em, waves afore the animals they wish to infooriate,
and they may drive him into our ranks.

I wait, and watch, and hope. Ef I kin wunst git
a commission, with the broad seel uv the Postmaster
General onto it, confirmin me in the possession uv
the Post orifis at the Corners, I shel bless the day
that Androo Johnson left us, and prokoored his elevation
to the Presidency. May the day be hastened!

p636-102 XIII. Another Warning. — Profuse Expenditure of Powder and Torchlight Processions deprecated. — The President implored to show his Hand. Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait of Kentucky),
February 29, 1866.

[figure description] Page 087.[end figure description]

I NOTICE, all over the North, the Democrisy is
a firin guns, and marchin after brass bands, and
hirin halls for endorsin Androo Johnson. Ez a sentinel
on the watch-tower, I protest!

In the name uv suffrin Kentucky, uv wich State I
am a adopted sitizen, I protest!

In the name uv common sense and ordnary politikle
sagassity, I protest!

Androo Johnson may possibly be on the high road
to Dimocrisy; but, ez yet, what ashoorence hev we?
Am I datin my letters from “Post Orifis, Confedrit
X Roads?” Hez there bin, as yit, any well authenticated
case uv the removal uv a Ablishnist, and the
apintment uv a constooshnel Democrat in his stead?

[figure description] Page 088.[end figure description]

Not that I hev heard of. Per contrarry, the Ablishnists—
them ez wuz apinted by Linkin — are still
holdin on, ez calm ez a summer mornin, without
any apparent fear uv any change affectin them.

Who pays for the Halls? Who pays the music?
Who pays the Powder? Dimocrats who do these
scent Post Offises in the distanse. Are they like the
the war hoss in Job's writins, who smelled the battle
afar off, and remarked Ha, Ha! to the trumpets?
Let me entreet sich that they kin make a better investment
uv their means.

The cost uv one meetin, put in korn whisky, wood
not only solace theirselves, but start half a dozen
Ablishnists on the road to Dimocrisy.

Men is deceptive. I hev hopes uv Androo Johnson
myself, and principally becoz Vallandigum and
Fernandy Wood hev hopes. Them buzzards kin
smell carrion a long distance, and they are seldom
at fault. In this case, they may be. They base their
hopes on Johnson's speech, at Washington, on the
22d. There may be suthin in it; but ain't it possible
that the stench wich they took for Dimocrisy, and
wich they sposed cum from Johnson, ariz from them
ez surrounded him?

“But,” sez a Dimocrat, whose nose, from long
continued lack of supplies, hez softened down from

[figure description] Page 089.[end figure description]

a generous crimson to a ghastly bloo, and who
woodent hev a small Post orifis at no price, ef it
wuznt offered him, “look at the class he spoke
to.”

Wat noncents! Androo wuz mad. There wuz
a mass uv bile on hiz politikle stumick wich must
be got rid uv. He had sum nasty things to say, and
it wuz a part uv the eternal fitness uv things that he
shood hev a nasty audience to say em to.

I don't propose to go orf into spasms over the
present sitooashun. Johnson proposes to continoo
the Freedmens' Buro, and hezn't no noshun of repeelin
the test oath, or uv drawin the military out
uv the Dimocratik States. So far as heard from,
we uv the South is still in a stait of abject custitood.
Our habis corpuses wich Linkin took away from us
hevn't bin returned, and we are obleeged to git along
ez best we kin without em. I knocked down a
small nigger yisterday, for the purpus uv assertin
the sooperiority uv the Cauchashun race over the
Afrikin, and wuz to wunst hauled up afore a Freedmen's
Buro, and fined. Our high-toned and chivalrous
members are exclooded from Congris on the
frivolus plea that they wuz kernels and briggydeer
Ginerals in the Confederit servis; and all these

[figure description] Page 090.[end figure description]

outragis agin Dimocrisy Androo Johnson, by permittin,
absolootly approves.

I could probably swaller all these things. I am a
Dimokrat uv thirty years standin, and, uv course,
hev bin on both sides uv every politikle fence. The
seats of my politikle pants is full of slivers. But,
before I take down these things, I WANT TO
KNOW WHAT I AM GOIN TO GIT FOR
IT. Ef Androo Johnson goes back on his party
and his pledges, he, uv course, asks us to go back
on ourn. In sich transactions, where both parties,
by bein engaged in it at all, confess themselves ruther
a low grade of skoundrels, I think it well enuff to
hev the consideration paid down.

Ef Androo Johnson wants me, he knows the
terms. I am his to command, for a consideration;
ez much so ez is the thousands uv Demokrats who
hev bin, for the past week, gittin up Demonstrations.
But I want suthin to go on. When I hev his permisson,
under the broad seel uv the Post Orfis Department,
to write “P. M.” after my illustrious
name, I shell be prepared to wade in. I hev bin
huntin up several reasons for supportin him. I hev
em all ready. I only want this additional one, and
then I fling my banner to the breeze. Faith is sed
to be the sun of all religious systems. Post Offis

[figure description] Page 091.[end figure description]

is the central figger in all Democratic creeds — the
theme uv conversation by day, and the staple uv
dreems by night. How long! oh, how long!

p636-107 XIV. Refuses to Support the President, having no Confidence in Him. — Again warns the Democracy. Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
March 12, 1866.

[figure description] Page 092.[end figure description]

THE politikle sky is orecast with friteful clouds.
Darkness is on the face uv the waters. The
waves is a rollin mountin high, the litenin flashes
ominous thro the gloom, and the deep-mouthed
thunder mutters angrily in the distants. Ez a sentinel
on the watch-tower, I look out, and what do I
see? I see the old ship uv State loaded down with
a valuable cargo uv Post-offices, Collectorships, and
sich, a laborin in the trough uv the sea, her bowsprit
cove in, her top-gallant lanyards bustid, her
jib-boom a flutterin in the gale, her capstan spliced,
and her sheet anker torn to ribbons. (Not hevin
bin a sailor, only ez a driver on the Wabash Kanal,
it is possible my nautikle terms may not be altogether
correct. But it makes no difference in the

[figure description] Page 093.[end figure description]

interior uv Kentucky.) She is strivin to make her
harbor, and is workin manfully. Close behind her
is the long, low, rakish skooner Dimocrisy, with all
sale set, a tryin her best to overtake her and board
her. For a time it seemed ez tho she wood be successful,
but alas! she is fallin astern, and every minnit
the distance between em is a widenin, widenin,
widenin, and at present writin there ain't the remotest
prospect uv their gettin within hailin distance
uv each other.

To drop mettafor (wich, by the way, I kin jerk
when I feel so disposed), the prospect isn't ez encouragin
ez it wuz, and I fear, in fact I feel certain,
that the short cut to offis wich the Democrisy thought
it had found through Androo Johnson's veto, is reely
the longest way round. I cannot understand what
indoost the Dimocratic leaders, our chosin standardbearers,
to make sich egrejus asses uv theirselves ez
to place enny dependence on Johnson at all. What
cood they hev bin thinkin uv? Wuz not our experience
in 1864 sufficient to deter em from makin any
experiment wich involved abandonment uv any uv
our principles? Didn't we, in the hope uv ketchin
Abolition war votes, nominate MickLellan, and
didn't the war men jeer us, and flout us, and say,
“Behold, we hev better war men uv our own; why

[figure description] Page 094.[end figure description]

shood we leave home to find that uv wich we hev a
plenty?” When Androo Johnson, in a fit uv temporary
indignashun, split on Sumner, why did our
people, like idiots, pick him up, and endorse him
without givin the matter matoor considerashun —
without waitin for the fax? Didn't they know that
Summer wuz a sort uv a dose uv calomel, wich
worked on the President's liver, and necessitated
the discharge uv all the offensive matter wich hed
accumulated doorin his long term uv Dimocrisy?
Uv course it wuz, and to-day Androo Johnson,
hevin in that speech got rid uv the last vestidge uv
Dimocrisy wich infected him, comes up a stronger
man agin us than ever. We made two errors: On
the 4th uv March, 1865, at his inoggerashun, when
he made a spectacle uv hisself, we murmured gently
to ourselves, “It's all right! he's yet wun uv us.”
And we sed the same after the splurge uv the 22d
uv February last. Oh, my friends, they wuz both
fatal errors. Them spasms wuz the efforts uv a
noble nacher a tryin to git rid uv Locofocoism, and
from the fact that he immejitely after commenst a
missellaneously apintin Abilishnists and Republicans
to offises, and hezn't showed a sine uv a disposition
to extend his hand to a single confidin Democrat,
it's my opinion he's succeeded.

[figure description] Page 095.[end figure description]

We bet too heavy on the fight atween the President
and Summer. Summer is ordained to alluz hev
a gong uv sum kind, which he is also ordained to
keep perpetually a poundin. He's bin for several
years amusin hisself a poundin the Dimocrisy, and
when there wuzn't enuff uv that to make it interestin,
he turned on Johnson, and he'll pound at him
till suthin else excites his wrath. He's a Spanish
bull, possessin sharp horns, and a immense amount
uv strength and agility, which he is continooally a
wastin by jumpin at sich red flags ez are mischeevusly
waved afore him. He's jest ez apt to gore his frends
ez his enemies, and his lungin at Johnson wuz no
sign that Johnson had gone back on Ablishnism.

But enuff uv this. Sence it hez become a fixed
fact that the boorish tailor, who now by accident
okkepies the place uv the marter Linkin, made
vacant by his untimely death by the hand uv a vile
assassin (whose only redeemin trait wuz that he
wuz a stanch, uncompromisin Dimocrat), — now, I
say, that it's plain that this drunken sot ain't agoin
to distribute the patronage amongst us who need it
so much, I ask, in indignashun, wat is it that we are
asked to endorse?

He proposes to continue the Freedmen's Buro
bizness.

[figure description] Page 096.[end figure description]

He refooses to withdraw the military from the
Dimokratic States.

He refooses to restore to our sufferin brethren uv
the Dimocratic States the habis corpusses wich the
tyrant Linkin wrested from them.

He keeps Jefferson Davis a pinin in a loathsome
dungeon, and only refooses to bring him to trial
becoz, 4sooth, he haint yet got things in the right
shape to hang him.

I cood enumerate other insults and opressions he
hez piled upon Dimocrats, but I forbear. I might,
if I wuz disposed to harrow up the Dimocratic sole
and lasserate the Dimocratic bosom, state how I wuz
treated, when, on the 24th uv Febrooary last I made
a delegashun uv myself, and went to Washington for
the purpose uv layin before him the necessity uv the
removal uv the postmaster at the Corners, and the
apintment uv myself in his stead. I found that his
speech had reached all other parts uv the Yoonited
States ez soon ez it hed Kentucky, for there wuz
suthin over a hundred thousand stanch Dimocrats
there, all with petitions noomerously signed, wich
they hed held over from Bookannon's administration,
recommendin uv em to places. How wuz we
reseeved? How did Androo Johnson treet us? I
mite say how emphatically I wuz shoved out uv

[figure description] Page 097.[end figure description]

his room, and with what reckless profanity I heerd
him remark that Washington had stunk with secesh
ever since he vetoed the bill; that that foolish
speech had acted on the whole country like a puke,
and that each State had spewed its foulest material
onto Washington, and that the atmosphere wuz
heavy with their breath, et settry, et settry, but I
forbear.

Suffice it to say that the few Democratic members
uv Congress had hard work borrowin money enuff
to git the most spectable uv the crowd home agin,
and even then thousands uv em who wuz drawed
there by that speech, shoor uv apintments, wuz
obliged to walk home ignominiously, uv whom I
wuz which.

Androo Johnson may be worthy uv Dimocratic
support, but he hez a queer way uv showin it. I
know not wat others may do, but ez for me and my
household I'll run after no strange gods. Ef he
wants us, let him call on us in language wich we
kin understand.

p636-113 XV. The Patriarchal System. — An Affecting Appeal in Behalf of a Friend. Confederit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
March 19, 1866.

[figure description] Page 098.[end figure description]

YESTERDAY I happened to pick up a kopy
uv a friteful depraved Ablishin paper, and my
horror-stricken eyes wuz glued to the follerin passage,
which I read: —

“I am happy to state to you that our free negroes
are doing finely. We have no trouble with them.
They have all gone to work manfully. They give
an impetus to trade that we never before had. I
have sold John Guttle's negroes, this year and last,
more goods than I ever sold Guttle, and he owned
two hundred and fifty slaves. So you see the free
negro system is working well with us.”

Ez I peroozed them lines, tears started involuntarily
from my beamin eyes, and coursed in torrents
down my venerable cheeks. I know John Guttle

[figure description] Page 099.[end figure description]

well, I may say intimately. He wuz a dear friend,—
one uv the few wich I kall friend in the most
catholic and comprehensive sense uv the word. He
holds my note fur eighteen dollars and 63 cents; and
I hev sumwhere among my papers, wich I have
alluz carefully preserved for reference, a memorandum
uv his address, that I might be shoor not to
forget to send it to him. I give him the note becoz
he furnished the paper, and it made him easy in his
mind — I put down the memorandum bekoz it
looked business-like. Benevolence is a prominent
trait in my karacter. When givin my note for
borrered money will do a man good, I never begrudge
the trouble uv writin it.

But wat I wuz a goin to say wuz, that the feendishnis
uv that item passes belief. The writer puts
it in print to show that the Ablishn uv slavry benefitted
sumbody. I grant him that the merchant,
who undoubtedly wuz born in Massachusetts, wuz
benefitted by the change; so are the greesy mechanics
who are now pollutin the soil uv Alabama; and
so, probably, are the 250 niggers; but, in the name
uv Liberty, in the name uv Justice, in the name uv
the Constertooshun uv the Yoonited States, and the
flag uv our Common Country, I ask, How about
John Guttle?

[figure description] Page 100.[end figure description]

John Guttle is robbed. John Guttle is deprived
uv his property. The bred is taken from John Guttle's
mouth; his staff is broken; his dependence is
gone; he is bereft.

Never shall I forget John Guttle or his hospitable
mansion, ez I knowed it in the happy year afore the
crooel war. He wuz a gentleman uv the old skool—
one uv the few left us in these degenerate days.
His home wuz wun uv unalloyed happiness. Situated
just back uv Mobeel, he had the finest plantashun
in that section, and hed on it 250 niggers. All
shades wuz represented. There wuz the coal-black
Cuffee, whose feechers denoted the pure Afrikin,
and whose awkward manners showed that he wuz
not long from Afrika. There wuz the civilized mulatto,
in whose veins the Guttle blood showed; the
quadroon, in whom the good old Guttle blood predominated;
and the octoroon, which wuz mostly
Guttle. The Guttleses wuz eminently a Christian
generation. They wuz devoutly pious; and there
never wuz one uv the name who cood not repeat,
without the book, all uv the texts bearin on slavery.
The passages in which Onesimus and Hager figger
wuz favorites with em; but on “cussid be Canaan”
they wuz strong. For generations they had mourned
over the hard fate uv the sons uv Ham, doomed to

[figure description] Page 101.[end figure description]

perpetooal bondage becoz uv the sin uv their father;
and with a missionary spirit ekaled by few and excelled
by none, they did their part towards redoosin
that cuss, by makin ez many of em ez possible halfbruthers
to the more favored race uv Japhet, and
thus bringing uv em out uv the cuss; and they had
mellered the color uv their charges down from the
hideous black to a bright yeller. Under the old
patriarkle system, time passed orf smoothly and
pleasantly with the Guttle family. Them 250 niggers
wuz obliged, uv course, to work, and their labor
wuz money. John bought each uv the male
sons uv Ham too soots uv close per annum, and
each uv the female sons uv Ham one soot. It wuz
considered healthy for the young ones to go naked,
which they wuz religiously allowed to do, ez none
uv the Guttles uv that family wood do any thing
agin nater or her laws. The girls hed pianos, and
wuz educated at the North; the boys wuz celebrated
for horse racing and their skill at losin money at
faro. They wuz hospitable and generous to a fault.
Their house wuz open house, and their beverages
wuz alluz the best. Money wuz no objick to them;
for when they had a severe attack of poker, or faro,
or hoss racin, they hed plenty uv octoroons and
quadroons, with the real Guttle nose, wich brand

[figure description] Page 102.[end figure description]

wuz well known in Noo Orleans, and wood alluz
command the highest possible figger that wuz paid
in that market; or, ef they had no more than they
wanted at home uv that style, why, a few field hands
wood be sold, and the remainin ones wood be persuaded
by the overseer to do the work uv the whole.
John Guttle's sons wuz all in the Confederit army.
His daughters, willin to sacrifice every thing fur the
cause, heroically pledged theirselves to whip the
niggers theirselves doorin their absence.

Now all is changed! A shadder hez fallen across
that peaceful home. The nigger quarters is there,
but the niggers is not. The broad plantashun is divided
up into small farms, and half uv it is owned
by Ablishnists from the North, who work theirselves,
and who hev a meetin house on one corner uv it,
and the niggers a skool house on the tother. The
race track is plowed up and in cotton; the whippinpost
and the stocks is taken down and burned; all,
all the evidences uv civilizashun hez faded afore the
ruthless hand of the invader. John Guttle — that
generous old man — subsists by the labor uv his own
hands. One uv his sons ekes out a miserable existence
running a dray in Mobeel; another, who is
gifted with no ordinary intelleck, earns a respectable
livin playin seven-up, in a small way, with his

[figure description] Page 103.[end figure description]

former niggers; and the two girls is runnin a sewing
masheen.

Talk not to me uv benefits. What is a dozen
tradesmen and two hundred and fifty niggers to the
gellorious old Dimocratic John Guttle? What is
the interest uv a dozen or so uv Noo England mechanics,
and the niggers aforesaid, when compared
to that glorious aristocracy which can never exist
beside em? Kin I go and borrer eighteen dollars
and sixty-three cents uv one uv them? No. Becoz,
working for their paltry livins, they place a higher
valyoo on money, and will not spread it around ez
profoosely ez the noble race which preceded em.

Another great wrong is done in this settin free uv
John Guttle's niggers. John Guttle hez, uv course,
no further interest in the Dimocratic party. Slavery
wuz the umbillikle cord which united the Southern
slaveholder and the Northern Dimocrat; and, that
cord cut, why hez John Guttle any more interest in
Dimocracy? We stood ez a Chinese wall between
them and the rushin flood uv Ablishn fanaticism;
and we made the wall biznis pay. They furnished
money, and we did the work; and, there bein but
few uv us, the orfisis wuz easily divided. Alas! our
okepashin's gone. The South is forever lost to us;
for she has no dirty work for us to do.

[figure description] Page 104.[end figure description]

I appeal to the Yoonited States uv America. In
behalf uv John Guttle, I say, give him back his
niggers. In behalf uv the Dimocrisy North who
are out uv employment, give him back his niggers.
In behalf uv his son who is runnin a dray, give him
back his niggers. In behalf uv his daughters runnin
a sewin machine, give him back his niggers. Make
things Normal agin. Like John the Baptist, the
Government shall hear the voice uv one howlin in
the wilderness until all these is done.

p636-120 XVI. A Dream. — The Corpse of Republicanism. — Who the Mourners were, and how they felt. — The awakening of the Sleeping Giant, and the Scattering that followed. Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
March 30, 1866.

[figure description] Page 105.[end figure description]

I HEV bin to Washinton. That Ablishn Postmaster
at the Corners hed become to me a nitemare.
Day after day I seed him a handlin guvment
money, drawin his salery promptly, and takin his
drinks reglerly, while I, a Constooshnel Dimekrat,
a supporter uv our great and good President, wuz
forced to the humiliashun uv waitin till I wuz
treated, ceptin when a new grocery keeper cum in,
which gave me a chance to establish a credit for a
short time. I felt that sumthin must be done, and
therefore I went to Washinton.

Knowin that for men uv my profound convickshins,
holdin my views ez to consiliashen and sich,

[figure description] Page 106.[end figure description]

I hed no call to go to the Postmaster-General, who
is a Ablishnist, I went dreckly to the Second Jaxon
hisself. I succeeded in gettin a audience late in the
afternoon. Our patron saint wuz a sittin at a table,
eggsausted with receevin delegashens and sich.

“Well,” sed he.

“Honerd and spected sir,” said I, “I am a applicant
for the post orfis at Confedrit × Roads, wich
is at present held by a Ablishnist who does not beleeve
in yoor policy, wich I do beleeve in solemnly.
Spected and honered sir,” sed I, “ef I shood have
twins born to me this nite, I shood name em both
Policy.”

“Wich State are yoo from?” sed he, half asleep.

“From Kentucky, honered and spected sir,”
sed I.

“Well,” sed he, yawnin feerfully, and turnin to a
clerk, “Fill out a pardon, and give him a commission!”

“Honered and spected sir,” sed I, in a fit of loonacy
for wich I can't account, “I don't need a pardon.
I wuz never in the late lamented Confedrit
servis.”

“What'n thunder, then, are yoo here for, beggin
a post offis? Git out, yoo imposter!” and I wuz
too wunst ignominiously showed to the door. I

[figure description] Page 107.[end figure description]

didn't quite understand the lay uv the land around
the White House.

In vane I tried to git back, that I might convince
him I did ez much for the Confederasy ez my humble
abilities permitted, and that I needed consiliatin
ez badly ez anybody. Then, hart broke and dead
broke, not heving the wherewith to prokoor more
sootable lodgin, I lay me down on the cold stun
steps, and sought refuge from my troubles in sleep.

I dreemed a dream. Methawt I wuz in a room
in the White House. Stretched out on one side uv
the room wuz the corpse uv a giant, a monster in
size and strength, but withal uv a pleasin presence,
and fair to look upon. Onto its head was a liberty
cap, and by its side wuz a sword, considerably
dinted, and with all the gildin knocked off.

“Wat is these?” sed I, pointin to the corpse,
askin a sort uv a attendant.

“Them,” replied he, “is the defunct carcass uv
Republikinism. He was a hefty yooth in his day,
but he died this mornin. Look! the mourners are
a comin to divide his clothes.”

And shoor enuff, they came in. At the head wuz
the second Jaxon, which the Ablishnists derisively
call Moses, who appeared to be angry, and clost
behind him wuz Seward, a weepin out uv one eye,

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and a smilin out uv tother, and Jim Lane, who hed
a handkercher wich he occasionally put to his eyes,
but wich I notist wuz ez dry ez a lime kiln, and
Doolittle, and Lee, and Raymond, and Beauregard,
and Cowan, and Stephens, and Thurlow Weed, and
Vallandigham, and Governor Sharkey, and a host uv
others, all uv wich ranged theirselves around the bier.

“He wuz a promisin yooth,” sed Seward, a puttin
his handkercher to his eyes, “but the atmosphere
uv the White House wuz too much for him. I
insist, however,” sed he, a pocketin the handkercher,
and takin hold uv a trinket the corpse held in
his hand, labelled “Presidency, 1868,” from which
hung mor'n a million uv smaller trinkets, “that ez
'twas me that pizened him, this is mine.”

“Nary,” sed Johnson; “I did the biziness for
him, and it's mine.”

“Settle it ez yoo please,” sed Raymond, gently,
“but whoever gits it must remember that this Secretaryship
is mine.”

“And I,” sed Doolittle, “must hev, for my assistance,
this little affair marked `St. James,' for my
seat in the Senit is a goner.”

“For my part,” sed Jim Lane, “the western appointments
is mine. Its worth em all to wear this
collar.”

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“My friends,” sed Stephens, “I find no amnesty
about the corpse. There must be one manufactured
and stuck in his pocket, to be prodoost at the
funeral.”

Thurlow Weed sed nothin, but looked on with a
sardonic smile, knowin perfeckly well that whoever
took the biggest part uv the plunder, he'd control it,
any way.

Governor Sharkey laid claim to a secretaryship,
and Boregard to the place uv Sherman, and Lee to
Grant's position, and Vallandigham wanted this,
and tother feller that, and there wuz a terrible hubbub
over the corpse. Wilkes Booth's gost came in,
and wanted to know what he wuz to hev in the new
deal, “for,” sed he, “ef't hadn't bin for me, where'd
yoo all hev bin? Talk uv the White House atmosphere
killin him! I'm sure the shadder uv the
buildin blasted what little uv his spirit yoo hed,” sed
he, a turnin to Seward, “but ef Linkin hed lived, ha,
ha!” sed he, in a tragedy voise. Then in trooped a
lot uv other gosts. There wuz Bill Allen, uv Ohio,
and Washington Hunt, uv Noo York, and Jeems
Bookannon, uv Pennsylvania, and Eli Thayer, and
Lew. Campbell, and Garret Davis, who started to
make a speech, but the entire assemblage stuck their
fingers in their ears, wich hint he took for the first
time in his life, and desisted.

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Finally Johnson swore “by the eternal” (he got
that noshun from the first A. J., wich he thinks he
resembles, coz his innitials is the same, and coz the
original vetoed a bill wunst) that he wood hev the
Presidency, and gobbled it. Seward, he snatched
at it, and they tussled. The company stood by to
see it out, for it made but little difference to them
wich got it. In the skrimage Johnson happened to
ram Seward up agin a window on the north side uv
the room, and smashed it out. Jest then a blast uv
north wind poured into the room through the aperture,
and blowed onto the face uv the corpse. The
effect was electrikle. Life ran through his veins,
his face flushed, and the livid hue was changed to
the ruddy glow uv health. The dead wuz alive;
the giant raised to his feet, and looked around him,
shakin off them ez wuz a hangin to him like insex.
Noticin the trinket wich hed caused the skrimage in
Johnson's hand, he took him by the neck, and
twistin it out uv his hand, flung him gently through
the winder. “I ain't made up my mind who to
give this to, but yoo bet it ain't yoo,” sed he.

“Willyum,” sed he, turnin to Seward, “I'm surprised
at yoo. Wuz this bauble the price uv yoor
honesty and yoor principle? Go, Willyum! Ez
for yoo, Doolittle, yoo never wuz half baked; yoo,

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Thurlow, put Raymond in your vest pocket, and
quit the presence. Yoo, Jim Lane, I leave to the
tender mercies uv my friends in Kansas. Clear out
the balance uv this rabble, and send for my friends.
I've bin pizened, and smothered, and stunk nigh to
death. Clear out the house, and sweep it, and
sprinkle chloride uv lime, and sich, all over it.
Shut down them Southern windows, and open those
on the North, East, and West sides. I want a snuff
uv fresh air, for I —”

At this pint I awoke, and found myself, not in
the White House, but on the steps thereof, cold and
shiverin. In my pocket wuz the papers wich didn't
get me the post orifis I wuz seekin, and in my mind
wuz chaotic confusion. Wuz the dream prophetic,
or wuz it merely a vagary uv the mind, wich, wen
loosed from its clay, sores off onto its own hook,
without any restraint. Is the giant Republican
actually dead, or is he in a trance? Will it arise,
and scatter them ez hez appinted themselves administrators
uv its estate, and wich are beginnin to
divide the assets, or will he stay ded? Wood, oh
wood, that I knowed!

p636-127 XVII. A Kentucky Tea Party. — Opinion entertained by Mrs. Deacon Pogram of Charles Sumner. — Discussion between Mrs. Deacon P. and an Illinois Store-keeper of the name of Pollock. — Miscegenation. Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
April 1, 1866.

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CHARLES SUMNER is not a very popular
man in this section uv Kentucky; on the
contrary, quite the reverse. He is known here ez
an Ablishnist; ez one who is a chief supporter uv
that hidjus sin — the infidelity, I may say, for a
man may ez well deny the whole Bible ez to cast
discredit upon Onesimus, Hagar, and Ham, onto
wich the whole system uv Afrikin slavery rests —
the origenator, therefore, uv the infidle beleef that
Slavery is not uv divine origin, wich, judgin from
the experience uv the last five years, appears to be
gainin ground in the North. He is not, therefore,
popular in this region.

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