I. After the New Jersey Election, 1865.
Saint's Rest }
(wich is in the State uv Noo Gersey),
November, 9, 1865.
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NEVER wuz I in so pleasant a frame uv mind as
last night. All wuz peace with me, for after
bein buffeted about the world for three skore years, at
last it seemed to me ez tho forchune, tired uv persekootin
a unforchnit bein, hed taken me into favor.
I hed a solemn promise from the Demekratic State
Central Committy in the great State uv Noo Gersey,
that ez soon ez our candidate for Governor wuz
dooly elected, I shood hev the position uv Dorekeeper
to the House uv the Lord (wich in this State
means the Capital, & wich is certainly better than
dwellin in the tents uv wicked grosery keepers, on
tick, ez I do), and a joodishus exhibition uv this
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promise hed prokoored for me unlimited facilities
for borrerin, wich I improved, muchly.
On Wednesday nite I wuz a sittin in my room, a
enjoyin the pleasin reflection that in a few days I
should be placed above want & beyond the contingencies
uv fortune. Wood! oh wood! that I hed
died then and there, before that dream ov bliss wuz
roodly broken. A wicked boy cum runnin past
with a paper wich he hed brot from the next town
where there lives a man who takes one. He flung
it thro the window to me and past on. I opened it
eagerly, and glanced at the hed lines!
“Noo Gersey — 5,000 Republikin!”
One long and piercin shreek wuz heard thro that
house, and wen the inmates rushed into the room
they found me inanymate on the floor. The fatal
paper lay near me, explainin the cause uv the catastrophe.
The kind-hearted landlord, after feelin uv
my pockets and diskiverin that the contents thereof
wood not pay the arrearages uv board, held a hurried
consultation with his wife as to the propriety
uv bringin me to; he insisting that it wuz the only
chance uv gittin what wuz back — she insistin that
ef I was brung to I'd go on runnin up the bill, bigger
and bigger, and never pay at last. While they
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was argooin the matter, pro and con, I happened to
git a good smell uv his breath, wich restored me to
consciousniss to-wunst, without further assistance.
When in trouble my poetic sole alluz finds vent
in song. Did ever poet who delited in tombs, and
dark, rollin streams, and consumption, and blighted
hopes, and decay, and sich themes, ever hev such a
pick of subjects ez I hev at this time? The follerin
may be a consolation to the few Dimokrats uv the
North who have gone so far into copperheadism
that they can't change their base: —
A Wale!
In the mornin we go forth rejoicin in our strength—
in the evenin we are bustid and wilt!
Man born uv woman (and most men are) is uv
few days, & them is so full uv trouble that it's
skarsely worth while bein born at all.
In October I waded in woe knee-deep, and now
the waters uv afflickshun are about my chin.
I look to the east, and Massychusets rolls in
Ablishun.
To the west I turn my eyes, and Wisconsin, and
Minnesota, and Illinoy ansers Ablishun.
Southward I turn my implorin gaze, and Maryland
sends greetin — Ablishun.
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In New York we had em, for lo! we run a soljer,
who fought valiantly, and we put him on a platform,
wich stunk with nigger — yea, the savor thereof
wuz louder than the Ablishun platform itself.
But behold! the people jeer and flout, and say
“the platform stinketh loud enough, but the smell
thereof is not the smell uv the Afrikin — it is of the
rotten material uv wich it is composed, and the corrupshun
they hev placed upon it” — and New York
goes Ablishun.
Slocum held hisself up, and sed, “Come and buy.”
And our folks bought him and his tribe, but he
getteth not his price.
Noo Gersey — Ablishun!!
Job's cattle wuz slain by murrain and holler horn
and sich, and, not livin near Noo York, the flesh
thereof he cood not sell.
But Job hed suthin left — still cood he sell the
hides and tallow!
Lazarus hed sores, but he hed dorgs to lick them.
Noo Gersey wuz the hide & tallow uv the Dimocrisy,
and lo! that is gone.
What little is left uv the Dimocrisy is all sore, but
where is the dorg so low as to lick it!
Noo Gersey wuz our ewe lamb — lo! the strong
hand uv Ablishnism hez taken it.
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Noo Gersey wuz the Aryrat on wich our ark
rested — behold! the dark waves uv Ablishnism
sweep over it!
Darkness falls over me like a pall — the shadder
uv woe encompasseth me.
Down my furrowed cheeks rolleth the tears uv
anguish, varyin in size from a large Pea to a small
tater.
Noo Gersey will vote for the Constooshnel Amendment,
and lo! the Nigger will possess the land.
I see horrid visions!
On the Camden and Amboy, nigger brakesmen;
and at the polls, niggers!
Where shall we find refuge?
In the North? Lo! it is barred agin us by
Ablishnism.
In the South? In their eyes the Northern copperhead
findeth no favor.
In Mexico? There is war there, and we might
be drafted.
Who will deliver us? Who will pluck us from
the pit into wich we hev fallen?
Where I shel go the Lord only knows, but my
impression is, South Karliny will be my future
home. Wade Hampton is electid Governor, certin,
and in that noble State, one may perhaps preserve
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enough uv the old Dimokratic States Rites to leaven
the whole lump.
“I'm aflote — I'm aflote
On the dark rollin sea.”
And into what harbor fate will drive my weatherbeaten
bark, the undersigned can not trooly say.
Noo Gersey — farewell! The world may stand
it a year or two, but I doubt it.
Mournfly and sadly,
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
-- 019 -- p636-028
II. A Conversation with General McStinger, of the State of Georgia, which is interrupted by a Subjugated Rebel.
Washington, D. C., Nov. 18, 1865.
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SENCE the November elections I hev bin spendin'
the heft uv my time in Washinton. I find
a melankoly pleasure in ling'rin around the scene
uv so many Demokratic triumphs. Here it wuz
that Brooks, the heroic, bludgeoned Sumner; here
it wuz that Calhoon, & Yancey, and Breckinridge
achieved their glory and renown. Besides, it's the
easiest place to dodge a board bill in the Yoonited
States. There's so many Congressmen here who
resemble me, that I hev no difficulty in passin for
one, two-thirds uv the time.
Yesterday I met, in the readin-room uv Willard's,
Ginral MacStinger, of South Karliny. The Ginral
is here on the same bizness most uv the Southern
men hev in this classic city, that uv prokoorin a
pardon, wich he hed prokoored, and wuz gittin
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ready to go home and accept the nominashen for
Congress in his deestrick.
The Ginral wuz gloomy. Things didn't soot him,
he observed, and he wuz afeerd that the country
wuz on the high road to rooin. He hed bin absent
from the Yoonited States suthin over four yeers, wich
time he hed spent in the southern confederacy.
When he went out the Constooshnel Dimocrisy hed
some rites wich wuz respected. On his return wat
did he see? The power in the hands uv Radikals,
Ablishnism in the majority everywhere, a ex-tailor
President, — a state uv affairs disgustin in the extreme
to the highly sensitive Southern mind. He
had accepted a pardon only becoz he felt hisself
constrained to put hisself in2 position to go to Congress,
that the country might be reskood from its
impendin peril. He shood go to Congress, and
then he should ask the despots who now hev control,
whether, —
1. They spozed the South wood submit to hoomiliatin
condishns?
2. What Androo Johnson means by dictatin to the
Convenshuns uv sovereign States?
“Why,” sez he, “but a few days ago this boor
hed the ashoorence to write to the Georgy Convenshun
that it `must not' — mark the term — `MUST
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NOT assoom the confedrit war debt.' Is a tailor to
say `must not' to shivelrus Georgy? Good God! —
where are we driftin? For one, I never will be
consilliated on them terms — never! I never wuz
used to that style uv talk in Dimekratic convenshuns.
“Ez soon ez I take my seet in Congris,” resoomed
he, “I shel deliver a speech, wich I writ the day
after Lee surrendered, so ez to hev it ready, in
which I shel take the follerin ground, to wit:
“That the South hev buried the hatchit, and hev
diskivered that they love the old Yoonion above eny
thing on earth. But,
“The North must meet us half way, or we wont
be answerable for the consekences. Ez a basis for
a settlement, I shell insist on the follerin condishens:
“The Federal debt must be repoodiated, principal
and interest, or ef paid, the Southern war debt
must be paid likewise — ez a peece offerin. The
doctrine uv State Rites must be made the soopreme
law uv the land, that the South may withdraw
whenever they feel theirselves dissatisfied with Massachusetts.
Uv coarse this is a olive branch.
“Jefferson Davis must be to-wunst set at liberty
and Sumner hung, ez proof that the North is really
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consilliatory. On this pint I am inflexible, and on
the others immovable.”
An old man who hed bin listnin to our talk, murmured
that there wuz a parallel to this last proposishen.
“Where?” demanded the Genral.
“The Jews, I remember,” replied he, “demanded
that Barrabas be released unto them, who wuz a
thief, I believe, and the Savior be crucified, but I
forgit jist how it wuz.”
The Genral withered him with a litenin glance,
and resoomed:
“I shel, uv course, offer the North suthin in the
way uv compensation, for the troo theory uv a Republikin
Government is compermise. On our part
we pledge ourselves to kum back, and give the
North the benefit uv our kumin back, so long ez
Massachusetts condux herself akkordin to our ijees
uv what is rite. But ef this ekitable adjustment is
rejected, all I hev to say then is, I shell resign, and
the Government may sink without wun effort from
me to save it.”
I wuz about to give in my experience, when the
old man, who wuz sittin near us, broke in agin:
“My name,” sed he, “is Maginnis, and I live in
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Alabama. I want to say a word to the gentleman
from Karliny, and to the wun from Noo Gersey.”
“How,” retorted I, “do yoo know I'm from Noo
Gersey, not hevin spoken a word in yoor hearin?”
“By a instink I hev. Whenever I see a Sutherner
layin it down heavy to a indivijouel whose
phisynogamy is uv sich a cast that upon beholdin it
yoo instinktively feel to see that yoor pocket-handkercher
is safe, a face that wood be dangerous if it
had courage into it, I alluz know the latter to be
a Northern copperhead. The Noo Gersey part I
guessed at, becoz, my friend, that State furnished
the lowest order uv copperheads of any uv em.
Pardon me ef I flatter yoo. But what I wanted to
say wuz, that I spose suthen hez happened doorin
the past 4 years. I was a original secessionist.
Sum years ago I hed a hundred niggers, and wuz
doin well with em. But, unforchunitly, my brother
died, and left me ez much more land, but no niggers.
I wanted niggers enuff to work that land, and spozed
ef cut off from the North, and the slave-trade wuz
reopened, I cood git em cheaper. Hentz I seceshed.
Sich men ez Genral McStinger told me
the North woodent fight or I woodent hev secesht,
but I did it. I went out for wool and cum back
shorn. I seceshed with 100 niggers to git 200, and
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alas! I find myself back into the old government,
with nary a nigger.
“But all this is no excoose for talkin bald noncents.
Yoo old ass,” sed he, addressin Genral McStinger,
“yoo talk uv wat yoo will do, and what
yoo wont. Hevent you diskivered that yoo are
whipped? Hevent you found out that yoo are subjoogated?
Are yoo back into the Yoonyun uv your
own free will and akkord? Hevent yoo got a pardon
in yoor pockit, which dockyment is all that saves
yoor neck from stretchin hemp? Why do yoo talk
uv wat South karliny will and wont do? Good
Lord! I recollect about a year since South karliny
would never permit her soil 2 be pollutid by Yankee
hirelins, yit Sherman marched all over it with a few
uv em, and skarcly a gun was fired at em. So too
I recollect that that sed State, wich wuz agoin to
whip the entire North, and wich wood, ef overpowered,
submit gracefully and with dignity to
annihilation, and sich, wuz the first to git down on
her marrow bones, and beg for peace like a dorg.
Ef yoo intend this talk for the purpose uv skarin
the North, beleeve me when I say that the North
aint so easy skared ez it wuz. Ef its intendid for
home consumption, consider me the people. Ive
heard it before, and I'll take no more uv it until my
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stumick settles. It makes me puke. The fact is we
are whipped, and hev got to do the best we kin.
We are a goin to pay the Federal debt, and aint
goin to pay the confederet debt. Davis will be hung,
and serve him rite. States rites is dead, and slavery
is abolished, and with it shivelry; and its my opinion
the South is a d—d sight better off without
either of em. I kin sware, now, after livin outside
uv the shadder uv the flag 4 yeres, that I love it!
You bet I do. I carry a small one in my coat
pocket. I hev a middlin sized one waved by my
youngest boy over the family when at prayers, and
a whalin big one wavin over my house all the time.
I hev diskivered that its a good thing to live under,
and when sich cusses as yoo talk uv what yoo will
and wont do under it, I bile. Go home, yoo cusses,
go home! Yoo, South, and pullin orf your coat,
go to work, thankin God that Johnson's merciful
enuff to let yoo go home at all, insted uv hangin
yoo up like a dorg, for tryin to bust a Guverment
too good for yoo. Yoo, North, thankful that the
men uv sense uv the North hed the manhood to prevent
us from rooinin ourselves by makin sich ez yoo
our niggers. Avaunt!”
And the excited Mr. Maginnis, who is evidently
subjoogated, strode out uv our presence. His
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intemperit talk cast a chill over our confidencis, and
we dident resoom with the ease and freedom we
commenced with, and in a few minutes we parted.
I didn't like him.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church of the New Dispensashun.
-- 027 -- p636-036
III. A Remarkable Dream. — A Country settled exclusively by Democrats.
Washington, December 1, 1865.
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LAST nite I was the victim uv another dream.
Ef I don't quit this explorin the realms of the
fucher in my sleep, I shall become a second Saint
John. Ef so, I maik no doubt my revelations will
be uv a remarkably startlin character.
Methawt the Ablishnists had asserted the power
we diskivered they possest, after the late elecshuns,
and had gone the whole figger. They had forced
the South into the humiliashen uv allowin niggers
to testify, and in the Northern states had given em
the elective franchise. Uv course the edecated and
refined democrasy wood never consent to be carried
up to the polls alongside uv a nigger — uv course no
Democratic offis-seeker wood hoomiliate himself to
treatin a nigger afore a election, it bein a article uv
faith with us never to drink with a nigger, onless he
pays for it.
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Therefore, bein helpless, and resolvin never to
submit, the heft uv the Democrasy determined to
emigrate in a body to some land where the AngloSackson
cood rool, — where there was no mixter of
the disgustin African. Mexico wuz the country
chosen, and methawt the entire party, in one solid
column, marched there. Our departure was a ovation.
The peeple on our route wuz all dressed in
white, ez a token uv joy, and from every house hung
banners, with inscriptions onto em, sich ez, —
“Now is our hen-roosts safe!”
“Canada on its way to Mexico!”
“Poor Mexico — we bewail thy fate!”
Our march resembled very much that uv the childern
uv Isrel. Our noses wuz the pillers uv fire by
nite, and our breath the piller uv smoke by day.
On our arrival to Mexico, the natives of that
country, struck probably with awe at the majestic
and flamin expression uv our countenances, hastily
gathered up their linen, and silver spoons, and
hosses, and sich, and retreated to the mountains. It
wuz a kompliment to us that them ez hadn't ennything
remained.
Finally we reached a plain, where we, the modern
children uv Isrel, decided to remane, and, uv course,
the fust thing to do wuz to form a guvernment.
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Methawt Fernandy Wood, uv New York, wuz
chosen viva voce, ez President, and he stept forerd
to hev the oath administered to him, wich wuz 2 be
dun by the oldest Justis uv the Peece uv the late
stait uv Noo Gersey, wich hez committed sooicide.
Here a new trouble ensood — there wuzn't a bible
to be found in the whole encampment. The difficulty
wuz got over by a New York Alderman yellin
out, “Never mind the oath. What's the yoose uv
any oath he takes?” So he wuz declared President.
Prest. Wood then proceeded to organize. He
requested sich ez hed held commissions in the army
uv the Yoonited States to step forerd three paces.
Gens. Micklelan, Buel, Fitsjohn Porter, & Slocum
stept forerd, and with em some 4,000, a part uv
whom hed held quartermasters' commissions, and
whose accounts,
“Jest afore the battle, mother,”
didn't balance, but wich alluz did jist after, and
others who hed bin dismist for bein in the rear,
when their sooperiors desired to see em in the front,
and who consekently considered it a d—d Ablishun
war, wich they didn't approve uv no how.
Then hevin ascertained the material for officerin
his army, he axed all them who hed bin in the
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service as privates to step forerd. 20,000 obeyed,
and the President asked the fust one where he
enlisted, who ansered ez follows: —
“At Noo York, April 12, 1864, bounty $1,000;
and at Philadelphia, April 14, 1864, bounty $700;
and at Pittsburgh, April 16, 1864, bounty $800;
and at Cincernati, April 19, 1864, bounty $400;
and at —”
“Enough,” said Fernandy, and glancin down the
line, and seein all the faces were uv the same style
and expression, he asked no more uv em any questions.
Remarkin that it wuz well enough to establish a
church, he desired all who were ministers uv the
Gospel to step forerd. 21 stept out and desired to
explain. They cood not say that they were just
now in full connexion with any church. They hed
bin, but their unconstooshnel Ablishin Synods and
conferences hed accoosed em uv irregularities in
hoss tradin, and various other irregularities, and
suspended em, and silenced em and sich, becoz they
were Democrats, but —
The President shrugged his sholders, and asked
all who cood read to step out. About one-half
answered, and then he requestid sich uv this number
ez cood be prevaled upon to accept a small
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office, and who bleeved theirselves fit, to step out
agin, and to my unutterable horror and consternation,
every one but five stepped out ez brisk ez so
many bees. Immejitly there wuz an uproar. Them
ez coodent read swore vociferously that there wuz
nothin fair about that arrangement. They never
knowd that a man wuz obliged to be able to read to
hold office in the Democratic party, and they'd never
stand that, and they all stepped out.
Finally it wuz decided that a election should be
held at some fucher time.
The next step wuz to divide em up into employments.
The President requested them ez preferred
to foller mekanikle employments to step out: Sum
thirty advanced. Them ez preferred farmin: About
fifty stept out. Them ez expected to run small groceries:
There wuz a sound like the rush uv many waters.
Ninety-eight per cent. uv all — ceptin the officers
and preachers — sprung to the front, but when they
saw ther strength, their faces turned white. “Good
Lord!” whispered they; “we can't make a livin
out uv the remainin two per cent. and the officers
and preachers!”
The mass then demanded a division uv the property,
that all mite start alike, but upon takin a
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inventory, it wuz found not wuth while to bother
about a division.
Then they commenced murmurin, and sed wun
to another, “Oh for the flesh pots uv the Egypt we
left!” “I cood, at hum, live off my Ablishn nabers.”
“There wuz rich men in our ward, but ez
we hed the majority, they paid taxes, which we
spent!” “Ablishnists is pizen, but it is well enough
to hev enough uv em to tax!” and ez wun man,
they resolved to return, and the confusion that resulted
from the breakin up awoke me.
There is onquestionably a moral in the vision.
Ez often ez I hev syed for perpetual Democratic
majorities, I hev sumtimes, when our party wuz
successful, and bid fair to be so permanently, wondered
what we would do with the Treasury ef we
didn't lose the offices occasionally, so ez to hev the
other party nurse it into pickin condition for us.
I don't think I shood like to live in a unanimous
Dimocratic community.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church of the Noo Dispensashun.
-- 033 -- p636-042
IV. A Change of Base — Kentucky. — A Sermon which was interrupted by a Subjugated and Subdued Confederate.
Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
December 9, 1865.
[figure description] Page 033.[end figure description]
HERE in the grate Stait uv Kentucky, the last
hope uv Democrisy, I hev pitched my tent,
and here I propose to lay these old bones when
Deth, who has a mortgage onto all uv us, shall see
fit to 4close. I didn't like to leave Washinton. I
luv it for its memories. Here stands the Capitol
where the President makes his appintments; there
is the Post Offis Department, where all the Postmasters
is appinted. Here it was that Jaxon rooled.
I hed a respex for Jaxon. I can't say I luved him,
for he never yoosed us rite. He hated the Whigs
ez bad ez we did, but after we beat em and elevated
him to the Presidency, the stealins didn't come in ez
fast ez we expected. Never shel I forgit the compliment
he paid me. Jest after his election I presented
myself afore him with my papers, an
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applicant for a place. He read em, and scanned me with
a critic's eye.
“Can't yoo make yoose uv sich a man ez me?”
sez I, inquirinly.
“Certinly,” sez he; “I kin and alluz hev. Its
sich ez yoo I use to beet the whigs with, and I am
continyooally astonished to see how much work I
accomplish with sich dirty tools. My dear sir,” sed
he, pintin to the door, “when I realize how many
sich cusses ez yoo there is, and how cheap they kin
be bought up, I really tremble for the Republic.”
I didn't get the office I wantid.
Yet ez much ez I love Washinton, I wuz forced
to leave it. I mite hev stayed there, but the trooth
is, the planks uv that city and the pavements are
harder, and worse to sleep on, than those uv any
other city in the Yoonited Staits. I hed lived two
months by passin myself off ez Dimekratic Congressmen,
but that cood only last a short time, there not
bein many uv that persuasion here to personate. I
had gone the rounds uv the House ez often ez it
wuz safe, and one nite commenced on the Senit.
Goin into Willard's, I called for a go uv gin, wich
the gentlemanly and urbane bar keeper sot afore
me, and I drank. “Put it down with the rest uv
mine,” sez I, with a impressive wave uv the hand.
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“Yoor name?” sez he.
Assoomin a intellectual look, I retorted, “Do you
know Charles Sumner?”
Here I overdid it; here vaultin ambition o'erleaped
herself. Hed I sed “Saulsbury,” it mite
have ansered, but to give Sumner's name for a drink
uv gin wuz a peece uv lunacy for wich I kan't
account. I wuz ignominiously kicked into the
street. Drinks obtained at the expense uv bein
kicked is cheep, but I don't want em on them
terms; my pride revolted, and so I emigrated. The
gentlemanly and urbane conductors uv the Pennsylvania
Central passed me over their road. They did
it with the assistance uv two gentlemanly and urbane
brakesmen, wich dropped me tenderly across
the track, out uv the hind eend uv the last car.
I found here a church buildin, uv wich the congregation
had bin mostly killed in bushwhackin
expeditions, and announsin myself ez a constooshnel
preacher from Noo Gersey, succeeded in drawin
together a highly respectable awjience last Sunday.
Takin for a text the passage, “The wagis uv sin
is death,” I opened out ez follows: —
“Wat is sin? Sin, my beloved hearers, is any
deviashen from yer normal condishen. Yoor beloved
pastor hez a stumick and a head, wich is in
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close sympathy with each other, so much so, indeed,
that the principal biznis uv the head is to fill the
stumick, and mighty close work its been for many
years, yoo bet. Let yoor beloved pastor drink, uv
a nite, a quart or two more than his yoosual allowance,
more than his stumick absolootely demands,
and his head swells with indignashen. The excess
is sin, and the ache is the penalty.
“The wagis uv sin is death! Punishment and sin
is ez unseperable ez the shadder is from the man —
one is ez shoor to foller the other ez the assessor is
to kum around — ez nite is to foller day. The
Dimekratic party, uv wich I am a ornament, hez
experienced the trooth uv this text. When Douglas
switched off, he sinned, and ez a consekence, Linkin
wuz elected, and the Sceptre departed from Israel.
When —”
At this pint in the discourse, a old man in the
back part uv the house ariz and interrupted me.
He sed he hed a word to say on that subjick which
must be sed, and ef I interrupted him till he got
through he'd punch my hed; whereupon I let him
go on.
“Trooly,” sez he, “the wages of sin is deth. I
I hev alluz bin a Dimecrat. The old Dimocracy
hez bin in the service uv sin for thirty years, and
-- 037 --
[figure description] Page 037.[end figure description]
the assortment uv death it hez received for wages is
trooly surprisin. Never did a party commence better.
Jaxon wus a honist man, who knew that righteousnis
wuz the nashun's best holt. But he died,
and a host uv tuppenny politicians, with his great
name for capital, jumped into his old clothes, an
undertook to run the party. Ef the Dimocracy
coold hev elected a honist man every fourth or fifth
term, they mite hev ground along for a longer
period, but alars! Jaxon wuz the last of that style
we hed, and so many dishonist cusses wuz then in
the Capital that his ghost coodent watch the half uv
them.
“The fust installment uv deth we reseeved wuz
when Harrison beet us. The old pollytishens in
our party didn't mind it, for, sez they, `The Treasurey
woodent hev bin wuth mutch to us ennyhow
after the suckin it has experienced for 12 years; it
needs 4 years uv rest.' We elected Poke, and here
it wuz that Sin got a complete hold uv us. Anshent
compacts made with the devil wuz alluz ritten in
blud. We made a contract with Calhoonism, and
that wuz ritten in blud wich wuz shed in Mexico.
Here we sold ourselves out, boots and britches, to
the cotton Democricy, and don't our history ever
sence prove the trooth uv the text, `The wages uv
-- 038 --
[figure description] Page 038.[end figure description]
sin is deth?' O, my frends! in wat hevy installments,
and how regularly, hez these wages bin
pade us.
“Our men uv character commenst leavin us. Silas
Write kicked out, and wood hev gone over agin us
hed he not fortunately died too soon, and skores uv
uthers followed soot. Things went on until Peerse
wuz elected. The Devil (wich is cotton), whom
we wuz servin, brot Kansas into the ring, and wat a
skatterin ensood.
“Agin, the men uv character got out, and gradually
but shoorly the work uv deth went on. Bookannon
wuz elected, but wuz uv no yoose to us.
After Peerse hed run the machine four yeers, wat
wuz there left? Eko ansers. Anuther siftin follered,
and the old party wich wunst boasted a Jaxon
hed got down to a Vallandigum. The Devil, to
wich we hed sold ourselves, wood not let us off with
this, however. `The wages uv sin is deth,' and
we hed not reseeved full pay ez yet. He instigated
South Karliny to rebel; he indoosed the other
Democratic States to foller; he forced the Northern
Democrisy to support em, and so on. That wuz
the final stroke. Dickinson, and Cass, and Dix,
and Todd, and Logan, all left us, and wun by wun
the galaxy uv Northern stars disappeared from the
-- 039 --
[figure description] Page 039.[end figure description]
Democratic firmament, leaving Noo Gersey alone,
and last fall, my brethrin, she sot in gloom.
“Oh, how true it is! We served sin faithfully,
and where are we? We went to war for slavery,
and slavery is dead. We fit for a confederacy, and
the confederacy is dead. We fit for States Rites,
and States Rites is dead. And Democracy tied herself
to all these corpses, and they hev stunk her to
death.
“Kentucky went heavy into the sin biznis, and
whar is Kentucky? We sent our men to the confedrit
army, and none uv em cum back, ceptin the
skulkers, who comprised all uv that class wich we
wood hev bin glad to hev killed. Linkin wantid to
hev us free our niggers, and be compensatid for em.
We held on to the sin uv niggers, and now they are
taken from us with nary a compensate. In short,
whatever uv good the Devil promised us in pollytix
hez resulted in evil. My niggers is gone, my plantashen
here hez fed alternately both armies, ez they
cavorted backerds and forrerds through the Stait,
my house and barns wuz burnt, and all I hev to
show for my property is Confedrit munny, which is
a very dead article uv death. I know not what the
venerable old sucker in the pulpit wuz a goin to
say, but ef he kin look over this section uv the
-- 040 --
[figure description] Page 040.[end figure description]
heritage, and cant preach a elokent sermon on that text,
he aint much on the preach. I'm dun.”
Uv coarse, after a ebulition of this kind, I cooldn't
go on. I dismist the awdience with a benedickshun,
hopin to get em together when sich prejudiced
men aint present.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
-- 041 -- p636-052
V. The Effect the Proclamation of Secretary Seward produced in Kentucky.
Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
December, 20, 1865.
[figure description] Page 041.[end figure description]
AT last! The deed is dun! The tiranikle government
which hez sway at Washington hez
finelly extinguished the last glimerin flicker uv Liberty,
by abolishin slavery! The sun didn't go down
in gloom that nite — the stars didn't fade in2 a sickly
yeller, at wich obstinacy uv nachur I wuz considably
astonished.
I got the news at the Post Offis (near wich I am
at present stayin, at the house uv a venerable old
planter, who accepts my improvin conversation and
a occasional promise, wich is cheap, ez equivalent
for board). Sadly I wendid my way to his peaceful
home, dreadin to fling over that house the pall
uv despair. After supper I broke to em ez gently
ez I cood the intelligence that three-fourths uv the
-- 042 --
[figure description] Page 042.[end figure description]
States hed ratified the constooshnel amendment —
that Seward had ishood his proclamation, and that
all the Niggers wuz free!
Never did I see sich sorrer depicted on human
countenance — never wuz there despair uv sich depth.
All nite long the bereaved inmates uv that wunst
happy but now distracted home wept and waled in
agony wich wuz perfectly heart rendin.
“Wo is me,” sobbed the old man, wringin his
hands.
“John Brown's karkis hangs a danglin in the air,
but his sole is marchin on.
“It took posseshun of Seward, and thro his ugly
mouth it spoke the words `the nigger is free,' and
there is no more a slave in all the land.
“Wunst I hed a hundred niggers, and the men
were fat and healthy, and the wenches wuz strong,
and sum uv em wuz fair to look upon.
“They worked in my house, and my fields, from
the rising uv the sun to the goin down uv the same.
“Wuz they lazy? I catted them till they wuz
cured thereof; for lo! they wuz ez a child under
my care.
“Did they run away? From Kentucky they run
North, and lo! the Locofoco Marshals caught them
for me, and brought them back, and delivered them
-- 043 --
[figure description] Page 043.[end figure description]
into my hand, without cost, sayin, lo! here is thy
nigger — do with him ez thou wilt (wich I alluz
did), wich is cheeper than keepin dogs, and jest as
good.
“Solomon wuz wise, for he hed uv konkebines a
suffishensy, but we wuz wiser in our day than
him.
“For he hed to feed his children, and it kost him
shekels uv gold and shekels uv silver, and much
corn and oil.
“We hed our konkebines with ez great a muchness
ez Solomon, but we sold their children for silver,
and gold, and red-dog paper.”
And all nite long the bereaved old patriarch, who
hed alluz bin a father to his servants (and a grandfather
to menny uv em) poured out his lamentations.
In the mornin the niggers wuz called up, and ez
they all hed their koats on, and hed bundles, I spect
they must hev heard the news. The old gentleman
explained the situation to em.
“Yoo will,” sed he, “stay in yoor happy homes—
you will alluz continue to live here, and work
here, ez yoo hev alluz dun!”
The niggers all in korious, with a remarkable
unanimity, remarkt that ef they hed ever bin introdoost
to theirselves, they thought they woodent. In
-- 044 --
[figure description] Page 044.[end figure description]
fact, they hed congregated at that time for the purpose
uv startin life on their own hook.
A paroxysm uv pain and anguish shot over the
old man's face. Nearest to him stood a octoroon,
who, hed she not bin tainted with the accurst blood
uv Ham, wood hev bin considered beautiful. Fallin
on her neck, the old patriarch, with teers a streamin
down his furrowd cheeks, ejackilated, —
“Farewell, Looizer, my daughter, farewell! I
loved yoor mother ez never man loved nigger. She
wuz the solace uv my leisure hours — the companion
uv my yooth. She I sold to pay orf a mortgage on
the place — she and yoor older sisters. Farewell!
I hed hoped to hev sold yoo this winter (for yoo are
still young), and bought out Jinkins; but wo is me!
Curses on the tirent who thus severs all the tender
ties uv nachur. Oh! it is hard for father to part
with child, even when the market's high; but, Oh
God! to part thus —”
And the old gentleman, in a excess uv greef,
swoonded away genteely.
His son Tom hed bin caressin her two little children,
who wuz a half whiter than she wuz. Unable
to restrain hisself, he fell on her neck, and bemoaned
his fate with tetchin pathos.
-- --
[figure description] Blank Page.[end figure description]
-- --
[figure description] Illustration page.[end figure description]
-- 045 --
[figure description] Page 045.[end figure description]
“Farewell, farewell, mother uv my children!
Farewell faro, and hosses, and shampane — a long
farewell! Your increase wuz my perquisites, and
I sold em to supply my needs. Hed you died, I
cood hev bin resigned; for when dead you ain't
wuth a copper; but to see yoo torn away livin, &
wuth $2,000 in enny market — it's too much, it's
too much!”
And he fainted, fallin across the old man.
“Who'll do the work about the house?” shreekt
the old lady, faintin and fallin across Tom.
“Who'll dress us, and wash us, and wait on us?”
shreekt the three daughters, swoonding away, and
fallin across the old woman.
My first impulse wuz to faint away myself, and
fall across the three daughters; but I restraned myself,
and wuz contented with strikin a attitood and
organizin a tablo. Hustlin the niggers away with a
burnin cuss for their ingratitood, I spent the balance
uv the forenoon in bringin on em too. Wun by
wun they became conshus; but they wuz not theirselves.
Their minds wuz evidently shattered; they
wuz carryin a heavy heart in their buzzums.
Wood, Oh! wood that Seward cood hev seen that
groop! Sich misery does Ablishinism bring in its
-- 046 --
[figure description] Page 046.[end figure description]
trane — sich horrers follers a departure from Dimikratic
teechins. When will reason return to the
people? Eko answers, When?
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
-- 047 -- p636-060
VI. A Conversation with a Loyal Kentuckian, who had Faith in the final Triumph of Democracy.
Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
January 6, 1866.
[figure description] Page 047.[end figure description]
I SEE a lite. Democricy is not that dead karkis
its enemies hoped for and its friends feared. My
noomerious friends here insisted that ez I wuz growin
into the seer and yaller leaf, I shood abandon
Dimocrisy, and flote with the current. I cant. Ez
troo ez the needle to the pole, so am I to Dimocrisy.
Young wimmin flock to marryins, middle-aged ones
to bornins, and old ones to buryins, which shows
concloosively to the most limited intelleck wat the
mind uv each class runs upon. So it is with me.
To me Dimocrisy is wife, mother, and child.
I hev diskivered many things sense I hev bin in
Kentucky — things wich elevated my deprest heart
ez yeast does dough, wich filled my shrunken soul
ez wind does a bladder.
-- 048 --
[figure description] Page 048.[end figure description]
The people uv Kentucky wuz all loyal. Doorin
the horrible fratrisidle war wich hez rent the proud
temple uv liberty into twain, they preserved a strict
nootrality. I hed a conversation with wun old patriarch,
who asshoored me that he hed never taken
sides.
Upon his honor, he asshoored me that, after battles,
he rifled the corpses uv both armies, impartially.
“Cood any boddy be more nootraller than that?”
he asked. “My sons,” sed he, “wuz in the confedrit
army. This fact wood hev turned the affections
uv a week-minded man in that direction; but when
I thot uv the boys, I alluz thot also uv that gellorious
star-spangled banner, under wich I hed whipped
my niggers and sold their children; under whose
shadder I hed men servants, and made servants, and
home-made servants born unto me. That banner
hed bin my shield. Ef my niggers run off, who so
prompt in their pursoot ez the Democratic marshals,
wich alluz returned em to me ef it wuz possible?
The instooshun wuz guaranteed to me by solemn
compermises, wich we cood hev ez often ez we desired.
Compermises wuz our best holt. Whenever
we wanted anything, all we hed to do wuz to
ask for it. The Ablishinists wood object, the Dimocrisy
wood draw up a compermise, wich
-- 049 --
[figure description] Page 049.[end figure description]
inklooded, ez a rool, twice or 3 times wat we asked, and
pass it to save the Union. Sich a Union wuz worth
havin, and I opposed all efforts to dissolute it. Hed
the South succeeded, I shood hev gone with em; for
Kentucky alone — the only nigger State in the North—
wood hev bin helpless. Scaldin tears hev I shed
when contemplatin the horrors uv war; but I cood
do nothin to avert it. Kentucky wuz loyal, but
nootral.”
I find down here that the loyal citizens uv Kentucky
who hev returned from the confedrit service
are not at all discouraged; on the contrary, they
are hopeful. Sed one to me (I bleeve he wuz a
Kernel under Gen. Forest; indeed, I think he told
me he participated in the glorious victory at Fort
Piller), —
“Why art thou cast down? Things is workin
eggsackly to our hand.”
In a mournful tone, I retorted that I failed to perseeve
it.
“I kin,” sez he. “Lookye, my venerable friend.
Is the Northern Dimocrisy still troo?”
“They is,” I replied, “wat few remains. But,
alas! war, crool war, hez decimated our ranks five
times.”
“How so?” sez he. “None uv your kind uv
-- 050 --
[figure description] Page 050.[end figure description]
Democrats jined in this unholy croosade, and fell
afore our deth-deelin swords — did they?”
“Not any,” sez I; “but Kanady and Montana
took em afore each draft. That wuz why we wuz
so beet at the eleckshuns. For one week-kneed Ablishinist
we scared into our ranks, we lost two by
emigration; and, unfortunitly, wun half that emigrated
starved to deth, and tother half is distribbited
in the various States prisons in them lands uv refuge.”
“Still,” sez he, “it matters not. Yoo hev deestricks
yoo kin carry in most uv the States. The Five
Points deestrick, in Noo York, is ours. Noo Gersey
will go back to her allegiance. The new gold
States, where so menny uv our friends fled, will
send up Democrats to Congress. Ohio hez 2 devoted
to us, Pennsylvany hez several, and the most
uv the Northern States will send one or two; and
them from the North kin be depended on to go any
measure we say. Then” — and he slapped me on
the back highlariously — “the niggers is free!”
“Well?” sez I, not seein wat cause for highlarity
that wuz.
“Well,” sez he, “them niggers is not now OTHER
PERSONS! We alluz counted five uv em for three
in making up the Congressers we wuz entitled to;
-- 051 --
[figure description] Page 051.[end figure description]
now they count as white men, wich increases our
delegashuns to sich an extent that ef yoo Northern
men do half yoor dooty, we'll hev a majority in Congress.
Then, good Lord! the pleasant crack uv the
whip shel agin be heard on the plains uv the sunny
South. The niggers wont be re-enslaved; but our
Legislaters will speedily redoose em to their normal
condishun. We shell observe the Constitushnel
Amendment strickly and in good faith. The Afrikin
shel be free; but the good uv society demands
that he shel be under proper guardianship. He
wont be allowed to change his location; and the
laws uv the States will define his dooties, and give
us the power uv enforcin em. He wont be allowed
to hev arms, so he can't resist. Ez he can't leave a
plantation, he will hev to submit quietly to sich rools
ez the high-minded planter makes for him, or be
shot on the spot, or turned out to die uv starvashun,
akording to circumstances. Ef the planter is a unrejenerated
child uv damnashun, he will shoot him;
ef he is a saint, who hez a southern hope uv a blessed
immortality beyond the grave, he'll restrane his
anger, and turn him out to die uv hunger, onless he
repents, and comes back humble. Then, they bein
free and responsible for theirselves, we ain't obleeged
to take care uv the sick, the aged, or the infirm, so
-- 052 --
[figure description] Page 052.[end figure description]
it will be really better than it wuz before. I see a
gellorious future afore us. Thro the thick clouds uv
gloom the brite sun uv hope cheerinly breaks. Say
to the Northern Dimocrisy, be uv good cheer. Agin
they shel lick our hands; agin they shel eat the
crumbs that fall from the National table.
“Thank God for the Northern Dimocrisy, with
the other blessins He has given the South. With
niggers to do our manual labor for nothing, with
Northern Democrats to do our votin at almost the
same price, we are trooly a favored people. Bless
the Lord for the nigger and the Democrat, wich is
both useful to us, each in his speer!”
I drew encouragement from his remarks. The
deep vane uv pious thankfulness wich run through
his discourse was nateral to him. He is a trooly
pious man, and wuz just back frum the meetin uv
the Synod uv one uv the Southern churches, wich
still persists in quotin Onesimus and Hayger. I
feel encouraged. O, Dimmycrats uv the North,
let us
“Our vigger renoo,
And our journey pursoo,”
and I feel shoor that success will at last crown our
efforts.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
-- 053 -- p636-066
VII. A Vision. — Celebration of the Anniversary of the Taking of New Orleans. — In the Vision the Spirit of Andrew Jackson appears, and discourses of Various Things.
Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
January 12, 1866.
[figure description] Page 053.[end figure description]
WE had sort uv a celebrashun uv the 8th day
uv Janooary at the Corners last nite. My
meetin house wuz gorgeously decorated for the occashun;
the walls bein hung with confedrit battle
flags, and on the corners of the pulpit wuz placed
two skulls uv Yankees, picked up at Andersonville
by one of the guards, who is now a loyal citizen uv
this State, residin at this pint. These skulls wuz
illuminated by placin a taller candle inside uv each
uv em. The effect wuz inspirin. The guard who
contributed em, is, I need not say, a conservative
Democrat, and in the matter uv swearing at Ablishnists
he displays more talent, and hez a more comprehensive
range uv oaths, than any man I ever
-- 054 --
[figure description] Page 054.[end figure description]
knowed. The church wuz also decorated with
mottoes, furnished by myself and others, uv wich
the followin is some uv em: —
“The Yoonyun ez it wuz — under Bookanan.”
“The noble dead uv Kentucky — them ez fell
pintin their guns north we'll alluz remember.”
“Our returned soljers — beaten, but not conkered.”
“Niggers and northern Dimocrisey — we've lost
the first; thank God, the latter is ours forever.”
I hevn't time nor space to give, in full, the perceedins
uv the evenin. Suffice it to say, at 12, precisely,
the company broke up, and sich uv em ez
were able, departed. I remained. There wuz suthin
in the refreshments wich indoost me to stay; in fact,
I coodn't conveniently get out from under the table,
where I hed fallen.
While peacefully sleepin the sleep uv innosence,
my unfettered sole went orf on a explorin expedishen
into the land uv dreams, and I dreamed.
Methawt that we wuz celebratin the anniversary
uv the battle uv Noo Orleans, on a heavier skale
than the wun just closed. We hed, at our festive
board, all the grate lites uv Dimocrisy. There wuz
Fernandy Wood and his brother Ben, and Dan
Voorhes, and the grate Valandigum and Frank
-- 055 --
[figure description] Page 055.[end figure description]
Peerce, and Bookanon hed consented to emerge
from his saint-like retirement, and meet with us.
The South wuz represented by sich noble Dimocrats
ez Yancy, and Toombs, and Wigfall; in short,
it wuz a reyoonyun uv old-time Dimocrats, met not
only to honor the memry uv Jackson, but to consult
ez to the best method uv savin the yoonyun from
the rox uv Abolishun onto wich it seems now to be
driftin.
The gileless Bookanon wuz President uv the
evenin, and Breckinridge Vice President, and toasts
wuz drank ez follows: —
“The ancient Dimocrisy — troo to the country, ez
long ez there is an office to be filled.”
Response by Fernandy Wood.
“The President uv the evenin — the last Dimocratic
President uv the Yoonited States.”
Mr Bookanan rose to respond, but he wuz overkum,
and sank back, his eyes suffoozed with tears.
In a voice broken with emoshun, he intimated that
he wuz in daily expectation uv bein translated, ez
Elijer wuz, in a barouche with two white hosses.
“White,” he repeated; “for ef the team is black, I
won't go; I'll die the nateral way fust.” “My
frends,” sed he, “keep my mantle out uv the hands
uv the Jews. Wher is the Elisha who'll wear it?”
-- 056 --
[figure description] Page 056.[end figure description]
“The yoonun ez it wuz, the constooshun ez it is,
and the nigger where he ought to be.”
Response by Breckinridge, who sed he hed bin
four years fightin the battles uv the Dimocrisy,
whose prinsiples wuz happily set forth in the sentiment.
Beeten in the field, we must fight it out at
the ballot-box. Nil despritrando must be the motto
uv the Dimocrisy.
“Androo Jaxon, the —”
As thus much uv the toast wuz read, there wuz a
clap uv thunder heard, wich shook the buildin, and
made not only the windows rattle, but the glasses to
dance on the table, and the gost uv Androo Jaxson
hisself, in the uniform uv 1812, come down through
the ceelin. There wuz a frown on his countenance,
terrible to behold. Turnin to the company, he
remarked that the gate-keeper uv hell must hev
slept at his post, for out uv no other Depository
cood there be gathered so many villianous countenances.
“I perpose,” sed he, “to respond to this
sentiment myself.” The Woods slid out uv their
seets, under the table; Breckinridge sneaked out uv
the church; Vallandigham, with his natural impudence,
tried to face it out, but one look from Androo
J. finished him, and he slid, and Bookannon tried
-- 057 --
[figure description] Page 057.[end figure description]
to git out, but Androo caught him by the collar, and
held him.
“I hev suthin to say to yoo. The chair yoo
wunst disgraced, I okkepied, called to it, ez yoo
wuz, by the voice uv the peeple. I swore to preserve
the constitooshen and the yoonyun, and so did
yoo. I did it, and yoo didn't. When South Carliny
undertook to nullify, I bustid the arrangement, becoz
I didn't propose to hev the yoonyun I fought for in
two wars go down to death, when a particle uv
pluck, put in at the right time, cood save it. Yoo
mite hev dun the same, but yoo woodent. Yoo
took the seat for the purpose of bustin it; for one
term of the Presidency yoo agreed to destroy the
Government.
“What are yoo here for?” shouted the gost in a
terribly sepulkral tone, and a stampin his feet and
grittin his teeth. “To celebrate the battle uv Noo
Orleans? Yoo stole the livery uv Jaxon to serve
Calhoon in. Under the shadder uv my name, yoor
dooing deeds wich, ef I wuz in the flesh, I'd hang
yoo for. How I wished, in '60 and '61, I cood
revisit the earth. I'd hev histed yoo out uv the seat
yoo disgraced, and never hev let Linkin hed the
credit uv puttin down a rebellion. It wood hev bin
lively for some uv yoo. I'd hev ornamented the
-- 058 --
[figure description] Page 058.[end figure description]
trees with your karkises; the Southern buzzards
wood hev grown fat on secesh korpses.
“Go back, yoo idiots — go back to your first love.
Get the wool out uv your teeth, and try to think
more uv your country than yoo do uv a yaller girl.
Yoo kin yit repent. A. Johnson, whose initials is
the same ez mine, runs over with mercy, or he
wood hev hung the half uv yoo. Repent and be
saved. There is a slite chance for yoo yit. The
dyin theef wuz pardoned on the cross, wich ought
to be encouragin to yoo, for yoo hev longer time left
in wich to repent, and the Lord knows yoo need it.
But ef yoo will go on in yer iniquity, do it on yoor
own hook. Don't take my name in vain no more.
I hevn't nothin in common with yoo, nor never had.
Yoo yoosed to follow me, the same ez a drove uv
jackals alluz follers a lion, to devour the hides, and
bones, and offal that he despises. The lion hez gone
hentz, and yoor takin his skin, and are trying to imitate
his roar. The skin hangs loose upon yoo, and
the roar is a miserable squeak. Never let me hear
of yoor celebratin any more uv my doins. I go.”
And in another clap of thunder, the gost ascendid
through the roof agin.
I awoke. A cold sweat wuz a standin on my
intellectooal brow, and a mortal shiverin shook me.
-- 059 --
[figure description] Page 059.[end figure description]
I wuz alone in the church, under the table where I
originally fell, and around me wuz skattered, in
confusion, the remnant uv the feast. I thot to myself,
ef sich wuz the effect uv a dream uv the gost
Jaxon, wat wood ensoo ef he shood be raised from
the dead, and visit the Dimocrisy in the flesh. Then
wood my prayer be continooally, “Good Lord,
deliver us.”
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
-- 060 -- p636-073
Locke, David Ross, 1833-1888 [1867], Swingin round the cirkle, by Petroleum V. Nasby [pseud.]: his ideas of men, politics, and things, as set forth in his letters to the public press, during the year 1866. Illustrated by Thomas Nast. (Lee and Shepard, Boston) [word count] [eaf636T].
