Locke, David Ross, 1833-1888 [1866], Divers views, opinions, and prophecies of yoors trooly, Petroleum V. Nasby. (R. W. Carroll & Co., Cincinnati) [word count] [eaf631T].
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CXI. ON SOUTHERN CHARACTER.
Saint's Rest, (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Gersey, }
September the 23d, 1865.
[figure description] Page 386.[end figure description]
The world is, and alluz hez bin, full uv deloosions.
A lie, well started, viggerously stuck to,
and energetically pushed, ansers jest ez well ez
the trooth, and will live a long time. I hev lived
in this world uv desepshun long enuff to diskiver
that there is a huge diffrence betwixt the real and
the ideal.
For instance. In my youth I wuz given to
reedin Cooper's novels, until, becomin infatuated
with his descriptions uv the Injin stile uv livin,
and the granjer uv the Injin charikter, I determined
to jine a tribe, and adopt their habits. I imagined
myself a noble red man uv the forest, a
chasin the wild deer all the day, thro the leafy
wood, and sweetly sleepin at nite in a leafy bower,
never wunst thinkin uv the friteful colds I 'd
ketch sleepin out uv doors, and uv the terrible
consekences uv a purely animal diet upon my uneddikatid
bowils.
Filled with these ijees, I made my way to the
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neerest reservation, and the fust noble red man
uv the forest I saw, wuz asleep under a tree, with
a bottle beside him. I awakened him, and addressed
him in the language uv the novels, wich
I sposed wuz all he cood understand, thus:
“Why slumbereth the cheef uv the Pocasokes?
and why are not his feet upon the war-path? The
skelp uv his father hangs in the lodge uv Skinewaugh,
and his death is unavenged! Awake!”
The noble Injin rolled over lazily on one elbow,
took a long pull at his bottle, ejackelatin:
“Ugh! go way. White man dam fool—gimme
dime—buy Injin more rum!” and sank back into
his inebriatid slumber.
Hevin seen the ginooine Injin ez he exists out
uv the novels, I did not jine that tribe.
I yoosed to bleeve in Southern shivelry. Likewise
did I bleeve in Robinson Croosoe, the malestrom,
and Jackson's cotton-bales; but, ezI afterwards
diskivered, there wuz no reality in these,
so I wuz prepared to bleeve the shivelry uv the
South wuz a good part bottled moonshine.
Wunst, to me, the Sutherner wuz a compound
uv George IV, Shevaleer Bayard, Humbolt, and
Longfeller, possessin the deportment uv the fust,
the high-grade shivelry and manly phisikle perfekshun
uv the sekond, the learnin uv the third,
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and the deep poetic feelin uv the fourth. I sposed
he wood interdoose his knife into the bowils uv
his enemy with the fearlessness and dexterity uv
Bayard, apologize with the calm grace uv George,
and write his obitchuary like Longfeller, in the
stile uv Hiawatha.
I bleeved his residence wuz a manshun, his
common bevrage the rosiest kind uv wine, quaffed
from the most costly goblets; that money with him
wuz a matter uv no account; that his time wuz
divided between his country, his books, and manly
out-door sports. In war, my notion uv him wuz
a cross between Achilles and Wellington, I givin
him the credit uv hevin the dash uv the one, the
steadiness uv tother, and the heroism uv both.
Sich wuz my ijee uv the Suthern gentleman.
Wood, O wood that this pleasin deloosion hed
never bin dissipatid! It 's the nacher uv the
Northern Dimekrat to look up 2 sumboddy, and I
did n't like the ijee uv hevin my idol dismountid.
I wuz down South doorin the war, hevin served
sevral months in the Loozeaner Pelicans, a Confedrit
regiment, made up uv the fust families uv
that Stait. I found that I hed bin labrin under a
deloosion all my life. I wuz in Virginia a while,
where yoo are supposed to find the highest type
uv Suthern shivelry. On a average the Virginian
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is as mizable a cuss ez ther is on earth. His
manshun is a shamblin cabin; his rosy wine is a
stile uv potato whisky, so inexpressibly mean that
it wood be rejected with inexpressible skorn by
the most reckless and abandoned squaw; his
costly goblet is a stun jug with a cob stopper,
and his highest ijee uv amoosement is quarter
races and poker. Long, lank, lathy, low-browed,
peak-nosed, he approaches the appearance uv the
Northerner about ez closely ez a ring-tailed babboon
resembles Powers' Greek Slave.
In war he haint no better than in peece. He
fites well enuff when put to it, but he haint no
endoorence. Ef he don't win from the start, his
game is up. And the less he intends to do, the
more he blows afore he commences. His endlis
blowin about his fitin capasity and resources, afore
the war, wuz wat roped us Northern Dimekrats
into it, and indoost us to stake our politikle fucher
on their success. Alars! we wuz fooled in em, and
we go down with em.
I never want to hear a word agin about Suthern
shivelry. We hev got to git em back agin,
for alone we kin do nothin, and I spose when we
hev em back, we 'll hev to knuckle to em jist ez
we did afore the war, for they comprise the heft
uv the party; but we 'll do it this time for policy,
-- 390 -- p631-389
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while before we did it from sheer belief in their
sooperiority over us. I 'd be well satisfied ef we
cood git along, ez a party, without em.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
CXII. A HORRIBLE VISION.
Saint's Rest, (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Gersey,) }
September the 20th, 1865.
Last nite, for amoozement, I picked up a vollum
uv poems, ritten by wun Camell, and happened
to read a peece called “The Last Man.”
It 's a rayther heavy peece uv writin. His descriptive
powers are rather better than mine, tho,
perhaps, ef my too partial friends ain't too partial,
he is a long way behint me in the matter uv
pathetics, and in them fine tutches wich show the
man uv sole and sensibilities.
Be that ez it may, the pome made a impression
on me, (wich is proof that there is suthin in it,)
and it wuz onto my mind ez I retired to my virtoous
couch.
Skarcely hed I sunk into slumber, when my
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viggerus intellek, wich even the bonds uv slumber
can't chain, wandered away into the misty
realms uv speckelashen. I hed the most horrible
vision that ever afflicted a sleepin man, wich the
bare recollekshun uv, causes a involuntary shudder
to thrill my susceptible frame.
Methawt a epidemic startid in Afrika, and cum
by reglar steps through Europe, and finally reeched
Noo York. For a time it raged alike among all
classes uv people, and among all colors and complexions.
The proud and hawty Caucassian, the
bold and patriotic Celt, the noble red man uv the
forest, (wich is pizen,) all, all, wuz swept away
by the relentless pestilence.
Finally, it abated. The white man and the
red man begun to escape the fangs uv death;
but among the niggers it raged wuss than ever.
Thro the South it swept like a tornado, sparin the
whites, but cuttin down every nigger in its path.
Ther wuz weepin and wailin. The hawty planter
saw in his nigger-quarters the brite octoroon, for
whom he hed paid $2500, and who hed solaced
his hours uv relaxashen with her charms—who
hed bore him girls almost perfekly white, wich,
on akkount uv hevin his blood in their vanes, he
hed been able to sell for $3000 and $4000 to other
planters, whose tastes run in that direckshun—he
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saw her, the objeck uv his affeckshun, and a part
uv his estate, lyin a inanymait corpse, not worth
a cent for any purpose.
Likewise he saw his robust feeld-hands, each
wun with sinews and muscles uv iron—the males
harty and sound, without blemish; the females
capable uv raisin a picanniny wich wuz worth
$200 ez soon ez weened, wunst a year, and by a
little extra whippin do a year's work in the feeld
every 12 months, stretched cold corpses in the
feeld, the cotton unpicked, and his last year's
gamblin debts unpaid. Thus wuz disease out
rajin all the finer feelins uv humanity, and destroyin
relentlessly all that made life pleasant and
lovely.
Finally, nigger after nigger fell, until but two
remained in the Yoonited States. They wuz a
male and female, uv sich perfekly helthy systems,
that it seemed impossible for disease to tetch
them. When the epidemic wuz known to hev
settled down to niggers alone, the Dimokrasy
held a consultation, and fearin the race wood becum
extinct, hed selected these, hed carefully sekloodid
em from the world, and hed employed
twenty-four uv the most eminent medikle men uv
the world, to be with em constantly—each stayin
an hour—that, in case they showd eny symptoms,
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the proper remedies mite be to wunst applide,
afore the disease got a hold. From these two, ef
the rest wuz destroyed, it wuz hoped a new stock
cood be raised, that the dangers uv negro equality
mite be still kept afore the Amerikin people.
But all to no purpus. The unsparin pestilence
smoted em, and, notwithstandin the efforts made
by the eminent physicians — notwithstandin the
prayers and groans uv the Dimokrasy — they
died!
Methawt the heavens wuz hung in black, and
ominus litenins shot athwart the skies. In the
distants low, mutrin thunders wuz heard, and the
beests uv the forests run affrighted from their
coverts. Dray hosses dropt dead in the streets;
dorgs run wildly, with their tongues a hangin out,
and the white foam droppin from their distendid
jaws. Ever and anon, pale, sickly gleams uv
lite flashed across the dark, leaden-colored clouds,
givin nacher the appearance uv labrin under a
severe attack uv yaller janders.
The last nigger wuz dead!
Presently, the leaders uv the Dimokrasy begun
to assemble.
Fernandywood cum.
“Alars!” sez he, sobbin ez tho his hart wood
break, and kissin the cold corpse—“Farewell, my
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hopes—a long and larst farewell! Thou wust our
corner-stun; on thee we built. Thou wust our
cappitle, our cheefest trust. We used yoo—we
aboozed yoo—and in aboozin yoo found our profit.
Yoo wuz ordained to be the cuss uv Ameriky—we
wuz ordained to be alluz fearful uv yoor bein our
sooperior—to us wuz entrusted the deliteful task
uv keepin yoo down, and us over yoo. Our task
is ended with thee. Kin we any more rally our
people to the poles, by yawpin the dangers uv nigger
equality, when ther ain't no nigger? This,
now, is a white man's guverment—we hev nuthin
left to contend for, and thus I foller thee.”
And Fernandy, who hed found a jack-knife in
the nigger's vest-pockit, run it into his bowils, and
fell a dead corpse across his body.
Franklin Peerse approached and wailed thus:
“And art thou gone, last uv the Afrikins?
Cood not the avengin ministers uv death hev
taken sum other race? Cood not the noble Injin
bin taken, and thou spared to Demokrasy? No
white man feered his supremacy. Cood not the
Chinese hev bin sacrificed in thy stead? The people
hed no prejoodis agin his color. Thou wust
all that made me uv yoose, and ez thou art gone,
so I go also.”
And takin the jack-knife out uv Fernandy's
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hand, he stabbed hisself with it, and fell dead atop
uv Fernandy.
Vallandigum approached, weepin vilently.
“Opposin thy elevation,” sed he, addressin the
dead nigger, “wunst made a marter uv me, wich
marterdom netted me $30,000 in ten-cent pieces,
wich I immejitly invested in 7-30 bonds issued by
a tyranikle and onconstooshnal guverment. By
carryin a portrait uv thee, and exhibitin it at my
meetins in the rooral deestricks, I hev made my
constitooencies bile with rage, at the ijee uv sich ez
thou bein elevatid to their speer. Like Othello,
`my okkepashun's gone.' Farewell, pollytix—
thou wast my pollytix. Farewell, Congris!—uv
wat yoose is a Dimekrat in Congris with no nigger
to blat about? Farewell, life!—for wat is life
with no nigger to persekoot?”
And takin the jack-knife from Peerse's hand,
he recklessly plunged it into his bowils, and fell
across Peerse.
Brite, uv Injeany; Richardson, uv Illinoy; Seymour,
uv Noo York; Florence, uv Pennsilvany,
and all the leeders uv the party uv the North,
without exception, cum up, and, makin similar
orashuns, used the jack-knife in like style—fallin
across each other ez four-foot wood is corded.
Ginral Slocum, uv Noo York, hed a good mind to
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do the same thing; but he conclooded he cood turn
a somerset out uv the party ez easy ez he somersetted
into it, and he did n't.
Filled with anguish uv the heaviest descripshun,
and fully appreciatin the feelins uv the
noble men who woodent survive their party, I
caught the jack-knife, and, throwin myself into a
attitood—sich ez I hev seen Forist cum, when, in
Otheller, he stabs hisself—I wuz on the pint uv
makin it acqwaintid with my intestines, when I
happened to observe a quart-bottle stickin out uv
the nigger's coat-pockit. Droppin the knife, I
seezed it, and in 2 gulps swallered the contents.
The room spun round and round, and, eggsaustid,
I fell senseless across the dead sooisides. Jest
then, Horis Greely entered the room. Holdin up
both hands, he exclaimed:
“Ez it wuz in the beginnin, so it is in the endin.
Behold Dimokrasy!—nigger at the bottom, and
whisky at the top. We 're rid uv two great
cusses to wunst!”
And, instid uv punchin his stumick with the
knife, he shuffled out uv the room, holdin his
nose.
I awoke, in a feverish sweat, shreekin wildly.
So vivid wuz the scene I hed dreemed, that I
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found it impossible to sleep, and all that long nite
I walked the flore in agony.
Wuz the dreem profetik? Is there any danger
uv the nigger becumin extinct by disease? I
know amalgamashun is whitenin him in the Suthern
States, but up North, where Dimokrasy is
skarse, we kin preserve them in all their original
blackness. Hevin grant that this friteful vision
wuz simply the result uv a disordered stumick,
and not a warnin uv wrath to cum!
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
-- 398 -- p631-397
CXIII. HAS A CONVERSATION WITH THE DEVIL.
Saint's Rest, (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Gersey,) }
September the 30th, 1865.
[figure description] Page 398.[end figure description]
Nite afore last, I wuz at a gathrin uv the
faithful, in the next town to Saint's Rest, and wuz
a comin back on the nite train uv the Camden
and Amboy, wich is the beauty and glory uv Noo
Gersey. I wuz somewat elewatid, hevin hed a
need uv inspirin flooids, there bein two or three
returned soljers in the meetin, who kept a provokin
me with irrelevant and irritatin remarks,
sich ez pullin me orf the stand, and pintin revolvers
at me.
When the conductor cum around, I told him
that I wuz a humble worker in the grate feeld uv
Dimekratik reform, and wuz, uv coarse, without
funds, and that I expected to be passed to my
home, FREE! The poor man wuz thunder-struck!
Staggerin aginst the side uv the car, pale ez a
ghost, and speechless, he beckoned to a brakesman,
and pinted me out. In a instant I wuz
seezed and bundled out uv the car. The next
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mornin I saw the incident noticed in the daily
papers, under the follerin hed lines:
“THE BULWORKS UV SOCIETY A BRAKIN AWAY!”
“NOO GERSEY IN DANGER!”
“A FEEND DEMANDS TO BE DED-HEDED OVER THE
CAMDEN AND AMBOY!”
“PROMT AND HEROIC ACTION UV THE CONDUCTOR!”
“HIS SALRY RAISED BY THE COMPNY!”
How long I lay alongside uv the track I know
not; but conshusnis returnin, I saw, sittin on the
fence, the figure uv Satan hisself.
“Avant!” cried I. “Why comest thou to torment
me afore my time?”
“Do n't skeer,” sez he; “I do n't want yoo yet.
Remember the old man's remark: `Why shood
men club apples orf uv trees, when, ef they let
em alone, they will fall orf themselves?' I woodent
take the trouble to cum after yoo, and sich ez
yoo. I often take a toor thro Gersey. It 's my
best harvist-field. I 'm pleasurin now.”
Reassured, I asked the old gentleman sum
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questions as to what kind uv biznis he wuz a
doin these times, et settry.
He replied that biznis wuz good. The Suthern
States hed bin his grate feeld uv labor, and when
they rebelled agin the guverment he thot he hed
ded wood on them localities. His sole expanded
with goy ez he saw the Churches South plunge
into the seceshn biznis, and their preechers throw
orf the sackerdotle robes and put on butternut
uniform. They never hed much religion down
there, anyhow; but when they went into seceshn,
they threw away that little.
“Ez Linkin's helyuns advanst,” he sed, “my
sole shrunk—only occasionally wuz I elewatid ez
yoo Copperheds riz in the North. Finally, when
Lee and Johnson surrendered, I give up all hopes.
That, I thot, settled the question. The niggers
will be emancipated and I 'll lose them, for they 'll
larn to read, and they 'll diskiver that virchoo is
the best road to travel. Also”—
“Hold!” sez I, “do niggers go to hell?”
“Uv coarse, when they die in their sins,” sez
he.
“Farewell, hope!” exclaims I, in agony, “for
all is lost! At the last end the entire Dimokrasy
will be on a equality with the nigger, and will hev
to mix with em.”
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“Also,” sez he, a goin on, “I wuz satisfied I
shood lose the whites South, for when they can't
live on nigger labor and hev to go to work, they
won't hev time to gamble nor drink. They won't
hev $2500 to pay for pretty octoroons, and, per
consequence, one uv the commandments will be
better observed. So I wuz lo-sperited, and conclooded
that the Almity had taken that part uv
the country out uv my hands.”
“How, then,” sez I, “is it that yoo feel so well
to-night?”
“For two reasons,” sez he. “I alluz feel at
home in Noo Gersey; and besides that, things don't
look so bad after all. You folks up North are
doin things to soot me, and so they are South.
Uv what account is Linkin's proclamashen, when
sich men ez now controle the South, are in power?
Them Sutherners are men I like. Guvner Perry
talks uv `Radikle Republikins,' wich shows he 's
bound 2 make head agin the only enemies I ever
hed in the North. The nigger is free, but only in
name. That blessid doctrine uv Stait Rites allows
eech wun uv the Staits to oppress jist which
class they please, and ez the North will certinly
pass all sorts uv laws agin their escapin in that
direcshun, it seems to me ez tho Cuff wuz between
the upper and nether mill-stun, after all. Five
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dollars a month they will agree to pay him, but that
he 'll never git. Then follers steelins, and stabbins,
and shootins, and hangins, and arsons, and insurrections,
[here he rubbed his hands,] and more
sich fun than we ever saw. Then when the South
gets strong agin, and they and yoo, yoonited, make
a majority in Congris, won't them Yankees git?
Won't we (I speek uv yoo Northern Dimekrats and
the South and me, wich hez alluz bin pardners,)
make the North pay the Suthern war debt? Won't
we re-establish slavery in the South and extend it
over all the territories, and finally over all the
Northern Staits, makin it yooniversal? I rather
think so. Ef the North refoozes, then agin yoo
and the South and I will make another war, and
that time we 'll succeed, for we 'll know how, better,
and the guverment overthrode, we 'll fix it jist
ez we want it. And then”—
At this pint he threw his left arm about my
neck in a extacy uv irrepressible love. It scorched
ez tho a hot bar uv iron hed bin twisted around
me, and, shreekin with agony—I awoke.
It wuz only a dreem, and I found myself a lyin
in the identikle ditch in2 wich I hed fallen when
the conductor threw me orf the trane.
I cood not help wondrin at the correctnis with
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[figure description] Page 403.[end figure description]
wich my visitor guessed the purposes uv our
party.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
CXIV. APPEAL TO THE DEMOCRACY.
Saint's Rest, (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Gersey,) }
October the 4th, 1865.
Dimekrats uv the North! Yoo hev to deside
whether the old party, which hez alluz delited in
managin the affairs uv this guvernment, is to
agin assoom its nateral position, or whether it is
doomed to die, and be among the things that wuz.
Ez the hed uv the party, I issue this appeal.
The time for argument hez passed—all that
now remains is ackshen! ackshen!! ackshen!!!
Never before wuz there sich need uv work—
never wuz there so much at stake. Look around
yoo, fellow Dimekrats! See! Uv all the Staits
North, only Noo Gersey remains troo to her anshent
prinsipples. The dark waves uv Ablishnism
are a sweepin over the land, unchecked, save
by Noo Gersey. There, thank God, the ark uv
the convant rests. There the vestal fires burn
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brightly. Noo Gersey hez the Dimokrasy she alluz
hed—she changes not. Ever sence the yeer before
the Revolushen, she hez bin Dimekratik. No
matter wat issues wuz presented—no matter on
wich side uv sed issues the Dimokrasy planted
theirselves, Noo Gersey alluz voted that ticket.
Sech confidin trust in the leaders, sech Roman
simplicity, is refreshin. Wood, O wood that we
hed more Noo Gerseys!
This fall the Dimokrasy hev exceeded theirselves
in liberality to the people. Never wuz
there sich a assortment uv principles to choose
from. In Noo York, we hev on the track a Ginral,
who sheathed his sword in the harts uv his
Suthern brethrin, and him we stood on a platform
which recognizes the death uv slavery, and
feels good over it, and wich goes for payin the
debt, intrest, principle, and all. In Noo Gersey
we hev a Ginral on the ticket who run away from
Bull Run, becoz he did n't approve uv the principles
on wich the war wuz bein condukted, on a
platform ez strikly Suthern ez the Camden and
Amboy cood make it. In Ohio, our platform wuz
made by the great Vallandigum, and in it is the
pure expressed joose uv Dimokrasy. The great
doctrine uv Staits Rites is avowed, and the rite
uv the seceded Staits to agin secede is upheld.
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Here is diversity—here is pickin. Each Dimekrat
kin pick wich set uv prinsipples he desires,
and the cheerman uv his central committy will
cheerfully certify that that set will be made universal,
ez soon ez a Nashnel Convenshun convenes.
Look at wat intrests are at stake. Do yoo want
to marry nigger wenches? Do yoo want yoor
gushin daughters tied by indissoluble ties to disgustin
buck niggers? We hev persistently petitioned
Abolishn legislachers to pass acts preventin
us from doin this foul thing, but to no avale.
They hev turned a deef ear to our entreaties, and
to-day we stand exposed to all these dangers.
Do yoo want a buck nigger to march up to the
poles with yoo to vote? Do yoo want their children
mixt with yoors in skools? Do yoo want em
on juries and holdin offis in yoor township? My
God! think uv it! Think uv yoor bein brot up
on a charge uv petty larceny, sich ez steelin sheep
or chickens, before a nigger justis uv the peese!
Think uv yoor bein sood for a store-bill that hed
run ten yeers, afore a nigger squire! In the
towns and cities, think uv bein arrestid for bein
drunk, by a nigger policeman, and bein arraned
in the mornin before a nigger mayor! Contemplate
these pikters without a shudder, ef yoo kin.
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These questions must be met. They stare us in
the face. On yoo depends the issue. The nigger
is our natral enemy.
Sum uv our best lites are in favor uv givin him
the suffrage, on the ground that in a little while
we wood git his votes, on the prinsipple that we
ketch all the trash naterally. My frends, be not
deseeved. We hev aboozed the nigger so long and
so persistently, that it wood take ages afore we
cood get him suffishently demoralized to act with
us, and afore that time we wood all be in the silent
grave, where pollytix is uv no akkount.
On the question uv taxes, and reconstruction,
and sich, I refer yoo to the platforms adoptid by
yoor various Stait Convenshuns; yoo may depend
upon eech bein perfeckly sound. On these minor
questions there may be diffrense uv opinion in
localities; but, thank Hevin, on nigger there is
unanimity. “Nigger and him prostrated,” is the
rallyin cry uv the Dimokrasy, North, South, East,
and West.
I bleeve in the above I hev given a full epitome
uv the principles uv the party. We hev a
he old fight afore us, and it behooves every Dimekrat
to buckle on his armor to wunst. Noo Gersey
may be dependid on. The few Ablishnists we
hev, hev gone so far into spellin-books and
-- 407 -- p631-406
[figure description] Page 407.[end figure description]
grammars, that their talk is all Greek to our voters,
and so they are safe from their contaminatin appeals.
She expex every Stait to do its dooty. She
is lonesome and wants company. She stretches
out her hands appealinly to her sisters, and sez in
winnin tones, “Jine me!”
Will yoo not do it? Shel she appeal in vane?
Forbid it, Hevin! Rally! Rally! Rally!
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
CXV. AFTER THE OCTOBER ELECTIONS, 1865.
Saint's Rest, (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Gersey, }
October the 11th, 1865.
Ohio, Ablishn!
Pennsylvany, Ablishn!
Noo Gersey, not eggsackly Ablishn, but approachin
thereunto.
Sich is the encouragin news I read in the newspapers
this mornin! Sich is the result uv labors
Hercoolian, in the above-named Staits. What do
the people mean?
The pure Dimokrasy, probably, will carry Noo
-- 408 --
[figure description] Page 408.[end figure description]
York; but of what consolation is that to me? The
two parties, the old, anshent Dimokrasy and the
Ablishn, run a race into the realms uv Radikalism,
and the Dimokrasy beat them over a length.
With a platform standin by Johnson, endorsin his
anti-slavery noshens, his Suthern oppression noshens,
his hangin uv Mrs. Surratt, et settry, and
on that platform a soljer who never votid a Dimekratik
ticket in his life, who went into the war
a Radikle Ablishnist, and who kum out a Radikle
Ablishnist, I don't know that I hev much to
choose atween em.
Last week I wuz invited into a county in Noo
York, to address a Dimekratik meetin. I accepted,
(ez my expensis were paid, wich is cheeper
and better boardin than I get at the groseries to
hum,) and akkordinly I went. I commenst deliverin
the speech I hed yoosed all over Noo Gersey.
I commenst aboosin the nigger, when the
cheerman interruptid me.
“Well,” sez I, “wat is it?” rather angrily, for
I git warmed up and a sweatin, and don't like to
be interruptid.
“Why,” sed he, “our constooshn allows a nigger
who hez $250 to vote, and most uv em hev
that sum, and we make it a pint to sekoor em.”
“They 're a d—d site better off than most uv
-- 409 --
[figure description] Page 409.[end figure description]
us white Dimekrats in Noo Gersey,” retortid I,
a droppin the nigger and goin on agin President
Johnson.
“Stop,” whispered the cheerman; “our platform
endorses President Johnson.”
“Thunder!” remarked I, droppin President
Johnson, and slidin easily into a wiggerus denunsiation
uv the war.
“Good God!” sez the cheerman, “stop! Our
platform endorses the war.”
I sed nuthin this time, but commenst denouncin
the debt.
“Hold!” sed the cheerman; “easy—easy—our
platform backs up the debt.”
“Well, then,” sed I, in a rage, “why in blazes
did n't yoo send me a copy uv yoor platform when
yoo wantid me to address yoo? Go to thunder
and make yoor own speeches;” and I stawked off
the platform.
Time wuz when wun speech wood do a man all
over the North. Now yoo hev to hev a diffrent
wun for every Stait, wich makes it impossible for
me to travel, for wun effort per season is enuff
for me.
But, ez I wuz a sayin, we are beat agin, and
beat badly—beat on issues uv our own makin—
beat with taxes, bonds, war debt, and nigger
-- 410 --
[figure description] Page 410.[end figure description]
equality all in our favor. Do n't say to me that
we redoost their majorities. What diffrence does
it make to a defeatid candidate, whether the majority
agin him is one thousand or one hundred?
A needle will kill a man ez effectooally ez a broad-sword,
ef it 's stuck in the right place. So a majority
uv wun is enuff. I hev known men to
hold orfises four years, and hev good appetites, on
a majority uv one. It 's the orfises we wuz a goin
for—it 's them our patriots wanted, and it 's no
consolation to them to say they mist by a small
majority! It 's holler mockery—the same ez tho
you 'd show a starvin man a loaf uv bread jest
inside uv iron bars—his fingers are not a inch
from it, but, so far ez his cravin stumick is concerned,
it mite ez well be across the boundless
ocean.
We may recover from this backset, but I hev
my fears. The people is ez stoopid ez ever, and
our leaders is ez akoot ez ever; but, alas! the fact
that we hev failed in every thing we hev undertook,
for four years, is gettin thro the hair uv
thousands, and they look askant at us.
Be it ez it may, it makes but little diffrence to
me. A few years, and I shel go hentz. Ef the
Bible is troo, I shel go where I will find a heavy
Dimekratik majority, shoor; ef it is not, and there
-- 411 -- p631-410
[figure description] Page 411.[end figure description]
is no hereafter, why, then, at last, I shel be on a
level with the best.
“So, let the wide world wag ez it will,”
I 'll keep on the even tenor uv my way, takin my
nips ez often ez I kin find a confidin sole who hez
more money than diskreshun.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
CXVI. THE BOW-LEGGED KNITE; OR, THE RED-HEADED APOTHECARY'S DOOM.
A THRILLIN TALE.
Chapter I.
'T was nite, in Posey County, Ingeany!
[For a full description uv sed nite, see Chapter I uv the author's last
and greatest work, “The Rival Blood-tubs; or, The Struggle for Crout.”]
The lovely Marguerite de Smythe wuz alone in
her chamber. Her hed wuz bowed on a table, on2
wich flickered the dim lite uv a cotton rag floatin
in a sarser uv lard. Her disheveled hair, her
elasticless stockins, and, more than all else, the
hole in the heel uv wun uv em, showed that she
wuz laborin under some feerful emotion. For
-- 412 --
[figure description] Page 412.[end figure description]
awhile she sot, her fair buzzum heevin like old
Ocean when Boreas smites it, her whole frame
quiverin like a peach-tree with a dozen little niggers
in it. At larst her overcharged feelins found
vent in tears.
“Marion!” she cried, “thy mop, girl!” and for
12 hours the faithful handmaiden mopped up the
pearly tears ez they fell from those beauteous
orbs, wringin the rags out of the winder.
“This suspense is intolerable,” muttered the
frenzied Marguerite. “I kin endoor it no longer.
Timothy! Timothy!” she shreeked, in a agony
uv despair.
Skasely hed the word left her lips ere a step
wuz heerd upon the stairs. It approached nearer
and nearer—“Thank Heven, 't is him!” screamed
the delited girl, ez she threw a buffalo-robe upon
the floor to faint on in case Timothy shood fale to
ketch her in his arms. Nearer and nearer the
step approached; a heavy hand wuz laid upon the
latch, the door flew open, and Marguerite rushed
into the arms uv—not Timothy—but the Bow-legged
Knite! A demoniakle smile played over
his sinister countenance ez, wringin the neck uv
Marion and pitchin her out uv the winder, he restored
the inannymate Marguerite 2 conshusnis,
by sousin a barl or 2 uv water upon her.
-- 413 --
Chapter II.
[figure description] Page 413.[end figure description]
Marguerite wuz kum 2, and boldly confronted
the hated monster who stood afore her.
“Villin! wretch! sanguinary skunk!” she exclaimed,
her nose turnin up in skorn until it
reached the top uv her head, and caught on a
hair-pin; “what wouldst thou with me?”
“Thy hand!”
“O, Heven! that I, the last uv a long and
noble line, shood live to hear this!” exclaimed the
maiden, drawin herself up to her full hite, by
means uv a pulley in the ceelin.
“Last uv a long and noble line! By my halidome,
thou speekest trooly—thou art the last uv
a long and noble line—a clothes-line! Thy father
hung himself with the one thy mother used in her
biznis. But enuff uv this. Mine thou must be.
Thou knowst me well. Cross my purposes, and I
am ez frackshus ez a two-year old colt with a
chestnut burr under his tail; humor me, and I
am ez amiable ez a chicken with dough afore it.
Ez for Timothy, yoo shel never wed him—his
doom is seeled! Let me but see him cast a look
on thee, and I 'll punch the low-born varlet in the
stumick—thus.”
And the Bow-legged Knite, drawin his shinin
-- 414 --
[figure description] Page 414.[end figure description]
blade, made 2 or 3 hundred passes at the wall,
endin by turnin a double-somerset.
Skasely wuz he dun, when the door flew open
and Timothy appeared. Marguerite shreeked,
while the Knite threw himself between the doomed
apothecary and the door, and drawd his sword.
“Ha! ha! ho! ho! I hev thee now, thou pillmixer!
thou peddler uv Injin remedies! Prepare
for instant death!” exclaimed the Knite, makin
a tremenjus blow. But the wary apothecary wuz
on his gard, and ez the blow descended, he stept
aside. Another blow, dodge; blow, dodge; blow,
dodge. Finally, the luckless apothecary, bearin
the lifeless form uv Marguerite, wuz in a corner.
Retreat wuz out uv the question, and further
dodgin impossible. A happy thot struck him.
Ez the sword uv the Knite desended, he dexterously
interposed the body uv Marguerite, ducked
his head, darted between the legs uv the Knite,
and run like a dog with a tin kittle tied to his
tail. The Knite, robbed uv his vengeance, and
seein his beloved Marguerite dead at his feet,
stabbed hisself and died also.
Chapter III.
2 months elapst. Timothy ventured back, and
a horrible site met his vision. The lovely
-- 415 --
[figure description] Page 415.[end figure description]
Marguerite wuz cut in 2, and the Knite, stun-dead,
wuz lyin beside her. But he wuz not to be discouraged
by small difficulties. Drawin the two
pieces uv the beloved Marguerite together, he applied
Radway's Ready Relief. “Thank Heven!”
he exclaimed, ez the flesh united. A dose of the
Renovatin Resolvent, follered immediately by Repeatin
Regulators, restored her to life, consciousnis,
appetite, and Timothy. They were married
the next day.
Timothy wuz not vindictive. Upon the Knite's
promisin never to molest him agin, he brought him
to life, and paid his fare to Shecago, where he is
now runnin a hack, and doin well.
[Note by the Author.—Singler ez it may appear to the reader, the
above beautiful tale wuz rejected by the conseetid editors of the Atlantic
Monthly! I wuz not born in Boston.]
THE EEND.
-- 416 -- p631-415
CXVII. GIVES HIS EXPERIENCE IN THE MATTER OF NEGRO IMPUDENCE.
Saint's Rest, (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Gersey,) }
October the 1st, 1865.
[figure description] Page 416.[end figure description]
It is a cardinal principle in the Dimekratik
creed, that a nigger, taken from his normal state
uv subjekshun and placed on a level with men,
will bekum overbearin to a degree most irritatin
to the well-regulated Caucashen mind.
I kin testify on this pint from persnal experience.
Ten or fifteen years ago, when I wuz
younger than I am now, and the blood coursed
toomulchuser thro my vanes than it does now, in
the winter uv life, (years gathers wisdom uv mind
at the expense uv strength uv body,) I wuz, wun
summer—a very hot summer—wun day a layin on
my back, resolved in2 a committee uv ways and
means on the question uv suthin to eat. Hunger
overkum my nateral proclivities, and I wuz forst
to go to the nearest grocery and saw sum wood
for a froogal meal uv crackers and cheese and new
rum. While sweatin at this unwonted exertion,
and cussin Eve with all my powers uv cussin, for
eatin the froot that sprouted into sich bitter froot
ez I wuz then tastin, I resolved that ez woman
-- 417 --
[figure description] Page 417.[end figure description]
brought toil onto me, woman should release me
from it.
Droppin the saw, I to wunst went and washed
my face and offered myself in marriage to five
widders, each uv whom I knowd owned a good
farm. By each uv the five I wuz promptly rejectid,
amid peals uv lafture.
Nary once discouraged, I offered myself to 5
maidens whose fathers hed good farms, and wuz
five times rejected, in three cases bein ignominiously
kicked out uv the house.
Then I bethawt myself uv one more chance.
In the outskirts uv the town wuz a nigger wench,
who earned a very comfortable livin a washin.
Believin that the honor uv hevin a white husband
wood more than compensate her for the
extra labor uv supportin me, and bein sure that
she wood suffishently appreciate my condesenshun
in marryin her, I made her the tender uv my
hart and hand. She accepted, and we wuz married.
For a time all wuz peace. She insisted on my
accompanyin her to church, wich I did, among the
jeers uv the populace.
“Rail on!” thot I, “rail on! I kin stand yoor
railin better than the sweat nessary to answer the
demands uv a cravin stumick.”
-- 418 --
[figure description] Page 418.[end figure description]
Finally a crisis cum. The flour wuz out—the
pork-barl wuz empty—the taters wuz gone, and
the wood-pile waxed low, and Mrs. Nasby sejested
that I shood supply the achin void that wuz evident
in our house-keepin arrangements.
I replied that I sposed sich wuz the case, and
that she must go and buy, that we mite eat.
“Wha 's de money?” replied she.
“My deer,” retortid I, “yoo hev struck the entire
root uv the trubble in a breath. I hev no
objeckshun to the mere labor uv buyin the provisions—
nay, I wood even go so far as to tote em
home—hed I the money with wich to do it. That
money is for yoo to earn, to prokoor. Permit me
to sejest that yoo to wunst make yoorself the
agreeable foreground to a wash-tub that yoo wunst
wuz, and on the proceeds uv sed tablow we 'll eat
and be merry.”
“Wa-a-t!” sed she, growin white in the face;
“d' ye tink I 'se a-gwine to work to s'port myseff,
now I 'se married?”
“Trooly, I do,” sed I, calmly.
“And yoo, too?”
“Indubitably,” sed I, smilin at the absurdity uv
her questions.
She growd black in the face agin—a angry
gleam shot from her eyes, and her kinky hair
-- 419 --
[figure description] Page 419.[end figure description]
bekum straight. Suddenly I lost all consciousness.
I felt a sensation uv moving rapidly thro space.
For a minnit I fancied a tightnin sensation at my
throat and at the seat uv my pants, and all wuz
darkness. At last I awoke, and found that she
hed throwd me jest thirty feet out uv the door
into the front yard. I assoomed, then, all the authority
uv a husband. I demanded admittance,
when from a upper window appeared my angelic
spouse, who emptied on my head a bucket uv
skaldin water, informin me that I might expect
such treatment ez often ez I presented myself.
I left that town that nite, with my mind thoroughly
made up ez to the complete cussednis uv
the Ethiopian charikter. No sooner hed I elevated
that ongrateful woman to my level and
made her my ekal, than she expectid me to support
her, the same ez ef she hed bin uv my blood.
I left her in disgust, and to-day, I doubt not,
she and a child, half uv the cuss-tainted blood uv
Ham and half uv the proud Caucashen race,
mourn and weep my prolonged stay. Will I ever
go back? Not any. I made one effort to elevate
the race, and one is enuff. Cood I sell her and
the child, I wood; but ez that is illegal in this
Stait, she may tred her weary path alone.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
-- 420 -- p631-419
CXVIII. A FEW LAST WORDS.
Saint's Rest, (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Gersey,) }
October the 15th, 1865.
[figure description] Page 420.[end figure description]
Dimekrats uv the Yoonited States! My
task is finisht. I hev throwd together the views,
opinyuns, and prophecies contained in the 4going
pages, ez so many finger-posts to guide yoo along
the road to success; ez so many bekon-lites to
warn yoo agin the quicksands and quagmires that
dot sed road here and there, and into wich so
many uv our most promisin travelers hev bin engulfed.
Alars! how many who set out when I
did, and stepped ez high ez a $1400 hoss, with
plated harness on, hev fallen into em. Free-soilism
wuz the fust wun, and into that Van Booren
and Chase drowndid theirselves. Popler sovereignty
wuz another, and into that Duglis swamped.
War, bloody war agin our Suthern brethrin, wuz
another, and into that nearly the entire party who
wuz wat the world calls decent enuff to soot the
aristocratic Ablishnist, plunged headlong, leavin
travelin in gloomy silence only a few, who, like
myself, can't change their habits enuff to git into
any other organization.
It is well for us that we can't. We shoodent
-- 421 --
[figure description] Page 421.[end figure description]
be comfortable anywhere else. Nacher never
wastes nothin—she gives us all we kin enjoy.
The bird that soars into the bloo empyrium wuz
made to soar into the bloo empyrium, and consekently
wuz provided with holler bones, and wings.
Spozn the elefant shood hev a cravin to soar into
the bloo empyrium, (I like that word—its hefty,)
woodent it be continyooally mizable becoz it coodent
sore into the bloo empyrium?
Likewise. Nacher alluz makes a stingy man
lean and thin. Why? Becoz. Spozn nacher
shood give a mean man the entrales and stumick
uv a liberal man and a good liver. Don't you see
that his hevin the sed entrales and stumick, and
the desires appertainin, and the meanness that
prevented his fillin em, wood make him mizable?
So, ez nacher did n't give him the disposition to
fill stumick and entrales, she did n't also give him
the stumick and entrales to fill.
All uv wich goes to show that we hev jest ez
much sense and decency ez we are capable uv enjoyin.
I am a old man, whose sands uv life hev neerly
run out, and, therefore, my words are entitled to
weight. In these pages I hev laid down rools
that must be follered religiously, ef we ever expect
to succeed. To recapitulate:
1. Skools are agin us. Compare stanch
-- 422 --
[figure description] Page 422.[end figure description]
Virginia, with nary a skool-house, and Ablishn Massychusitts,
dotted with em. When a man learns
to read he alluz gits conseetid, and goes to thinkin
for hisself.
2. Churches are, ez a rool. I bleeve in religion
when properly preached, but a preacher shood
only read sich passages ez Onesimus and Hayger.
But even then they are hardly safe. The members
attendin are apt to go to other churches, jest
to see the difference—then a revival snaps them
up, and wunst regelarly convertid, they go over
to the enemy without fail.
3. Whisky is alluz a safe tool in our hands.
When a man gits so ez to barter his vote for free
drinks, he is too low for tother party to reach
down to—he kin only find one bidder, and he 's
ours at our own price.
4. Never allow a man to skratch a tickit. It 's
a exercise uv his own will, wich can't be allowed.
The convenshuns decide not only what we are to
bleeve, but who we shel vote for. These rools is
general. There are others, but I will not go into
partickelers.
Wun duty devolves upon us, wich we must not
forget. Slavery, that divine system, by and thro
wich we, ez a party, wuz perpetooated for years,
must be agin revived. We can't git along without
it. We must hev suthin on wich the South
-- 423 --
[figure description] Page 423.[end figure description]
will be a unit—sum intrest so all-powerful ez to
swaller up all causes uv diffrence down there,
smooth down all miner pints, and forse em to be
troo to Dimokrasy. Then, for them to control,
they must hev us, for they don't compose half uv
this Union, except in the article uv impudence, uv
wich they hev at least three-fourths. Us they
must hev to carry enuff Congressional deestricks
to give em a majority; enuff Staits North to elect
the President uv their choice, that thro them they
may control things ez they want to.
Uv coarse, they will hold all the heavy orfises
on the skore uv pekooliar fitnis, the South alluz
hevin bin the nursery uv statesmen; but, thank
Heven, the post-orfises and collectorships, and sich,
they don't want, and them we will hev.
A standin hatred uv Noo England must be
stidily inkulkated; not only stidily, but viggerusly
and enthoosiastikly. Them Staits are a growin
rich off uv us, jest the same ez in a strikly Dimekratik
community one smart doggry-keeper absorbs
all the capital. Therefore, we must hate
her, and that hate is a lever uv power for us. Let
us all jine in hatin Noo England.
I hev no apologies to offer for any sentimence
contained in these pages. I may not hev sed
enuff agin the nigger—I may not hev suffishently
-- 424 --
[figure description] Page 424.[end figure description]
aboozed Noo England—I may hev bin too easy on
Linkin, and I may hev sed too much for Micklellan.
But, ef this be so, these errors must be
inskribed to my head, and not to my heart. That
I am sound to the core in my Dimokrasy, let my
noze, and the fact that I never skratched a tikit,
attest.
In concloosion.
To the leaders I recommend akootnis, energy,
and perseverance.
To the voters, steddinis, submission, and unquestionin
fidelity.
To orfis-holders in our Staits, liberality, and ez
much honesty ez is consistent with their own interests
and the interests uv the party.
To our friends, my love!
To our enemies, my burnin cuss!
Adoo! Farewell!
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
THE END.
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