Having debated these matters to my satisfaction
and theirs, I was about taking my leave, when my
cousin Sammy unexpectedly entered the apartment.

His appearance struck me dumb, and filled me
with mingled terror and despair. What could I do
with such a scarecrow? His appearance was
death to my hopes of making the family fashionable.
He was a raw youth of twenty or twentyone,
but six feet high, long-legged, lantern-jawed,
and round-shouldered. He wore a white hat, like
his father, but stuck upon his head with a happy
contempt of order and symmetry; and his coat
hung down in a straight line from his shoulders, as
if cut to fit the wall of a house. He walked with
a lazy, grave swagger, indicative of vast serenity
of mind and self-regard, and—until I cured him of
the habit—with both hands in his pockets. There
was not an ounce of brain in his whole head, big as
it was; though, from the gravity with which he
stared and whistled one in the face (for staring and

[figure description] Page 196.[end figure description]

whistling were two of his greatest characteristics),
it might have been supposed otherwise. I will not
say the clown was ugly in visage or deformed in
person; but he was a slouch from head to foot.
One could see at a look that he considered himself
a gentleman, that he lived in the country, and that
the highest exercise of his gentility had been to
stalk about from one mud-hole to another, with his
hands in his pockets.

He did not seem at all daunted by my appearance,
but, having surveyed me with his great staring
eyes, he dragged one of his fists out of his pocket
and gave me a friendly grasp, very much like the
pinch of a bear. “Glad to see you; hope you're
well,” he said, and said no more, but remained observing
me with extreme gravity during the remainder
of the conference. When I got up to depart
he rose also, and, though I could have well dispensed
with such an escort, attended me to the
door. He uttered not a word until we came within
view of the bar, when the great oaf opened his lips,
and said, with an extremely knowing look, “I say,
Ikey, my boy, suppose we take a smaller?”

“A smaller!” said I, indignantly; “gentlemen
in a city never drink smallers.”

“Well, then,” said the goose, “I don't care if we
go the whole gill.”

“Come,” said I, commiserating his ignorance,
“you must never more talk of such things. None
but vulgarians drink strong liquors; slings,

[figure description] Page 197.[end figure description]

cocktails, and even julaps are fit only for bullies. Gentlemen
never drink any thing but wine.”

“Wine's small stuff,” said my kinsman, with
great equanimity; “but I'm for any thing that's
genteel, and dad says you're the boy for showing
us. But, od rabbit it, it's a hard thing to play the
gentleman in a place where you a'n't up to it; but
I say, now, how do you think we'll do—me and
Pat?”

I could scarce avoid laughing in the booby's face,
he asked his question with such simplicity and
complacency. I perceived that, notwithstanding
his lazy serenity and stolid gravity, he was as anxious
to be made genteel as either of the others, and
quite as ready to submit to my guidance. I told
him I had no doubt he would do very well when I
had polished him a little, which I would soon do;
and I resolved to begin the task without delay. I
carried him to a private apartment, ordered a carriage,
and a bottle of Chateau-Margaux to amuse us
while it was getting ready, and gave him to understand
I would immediately take him to a tailor's;
and this I did in a very short time, to the infinite
delight of my friend Snip, whom I ordered to make
three or four different suits for him, without troubling
myself to ask his opinion about either. I then
carried him in the same way to a hatter, shoemaker,
and man-milliner, leaving the jeweller, watchmaker,
and so on, for a future occasion.

These important matters being accomplished,
greatly to my own advantage, for I took care to

p016-207 [figure description] Page 198.[end figure description]

speak of my uncle Wilkins in a way to produce
the strongest effect, I ordered the coachman to
drive up to Mr. Periwinkle Smith's, whither I
thought I might as well proceed while I had a
coach to carry me. I gave my gawky cousin to understand
my business was to buy the house for his
father, at which he expressed much satisfaction
(for everybody in Philadelphia knows the house is
a very fine one), and a desire to help me examine
it; but telling him there were many fine ladies
there, who must not see him till he was properly
dressed, I charged him to wait for me in the coach
until I returned.