CHAPTER XIII. A further account of Miss Pattie Wilkins.
Having made these observations in the course
of a ten minutes conversation, I perceived I had no
longer any reason to be ashamed of her; but, on
the contrary, to congratulate myself on the relationship.
Then, permitting myself to be affectionate
and frank, as a near kinsman should, I gave her
freely to understand, that, with a little advice and
training, which I would undertake to give her in a
few lessons, she would be fit to shine in the very
best society: an admission that set my uncle into
an ecstasy of delight and triumph, while it somewhat
discomposed the fair Pattie. She gave me a hearty
stare (a thing I was glad to see, for it looked lady-like),
then coloured (a circumstance I did not approve
so much, since blushing is girlish and ungenteel),
and then burst out a laughing, and concluded
by seizing upon my hand, giving it a yeomanly
shake, and saying,
“Very well, cousin Ikey, you shall be my
schoolmaster, and teach me all you know; and, as
you say, I think you can teach me in a very few
lessons.”
And here she looked as meek, and quiet, and
almost as sanctimonious, as any saint I ever saw
of a Sunday.
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“Very good,” said I; “and the first lesson I
will give you is, never to call me `Ikey' again, for
that's vulgar; but always `Mr. Dawkins,' or just
plain `cousin;' or, as we are so nearly related, why,
I don't care if you call me by my middle name,
`Dulmer.' ”
“Wouldn't `Dully' be better?” said she, as
sweetly as could be: “it's more affectionate, and
cousins ought to be affectionate.”
“That's very true,” said I; and, upon my soul,
I thought her mouth was the handsomest I had ever
seen; “it is very true, but it don't do to be too familiar;
and, besides, Dully don't sound a whit better
than Pattie. I wish to ged you had a better
name than that; and yet it is the best of them all,
for `Martha' is kitchen-like, and `Abigail' wash-womanly—”
“And Pat,” said my cousin—
“Pat!” said I, struck with horror—
“Yes, Pat!” said she, looking as if she would
cry again; “it is the most odious of nicknames,
and there's my brother Sam, who calls me so all day
long; and there's pa, who is not much better. But
I say, cousin, I hope you'll take them to schooling
too. I won't say any thing about pa; but I reckon
there's none of us will be the worse for a little rubbing
up.”
“Don't say `reckon,' ” said I, “nor `Sam' neither.
Ged, you have horrid names among you,
but we'll do the best we can. Pattie—Miss Pattie
Wilkins; well, the name is not so very bad. As
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for your brother, you must always call him `brother;
' occasionally you may say `Wilkins,' and it
will sound aristocratic, as being a family name.
But I say, uncle, we can't do any thing till we
have you in your own house; and, if you mean to
pass for a man of quality, it must be a grand one—
that is, as grand as can be had without building. I
say, uncle, if you please, what do you hold yourself
worth?”
“Ods bobs!” said my uncle, bristling up,
“what's that any man's business? Never blab a
man's capital, for—”
“Oh,” said Pattie, “Pa's always thinking about
trade and shop-keeping; but I'll tell you, for I
know all about it, for he told me six months ago,
and I know. He's worth two—” and here the little
beauty looked as if she designed to make me
her confidant at once, and swell my very soul with
the greatness of her revealment—“he's worth two
hundred and ninety thousand dollars; and when he
dies he is to leave me half. A'n't it grand?”
“To leave you half! one hundred and forty-five
thousand dollars?” said I, so confounded by a sudden
idea that entered my mind that I could not
even conceal it. “Hang it, if that's the case, but
I shall certainly marry you, and snap up that hundred
and forty-five myself.”
“Would you?” said the imp, looking so lovely,
and innocent, and willing that I positively threw
my arms around her neck, as if the matter were
already settled.
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“Ods bobs!” said my uncle, “none of your
jokes here, nevvy!”
As for Pattie, she jumped out of my arms, though
apparently more pleased with the rudeness than
with my former want of enthusiasm, and ran laughing
to a chair.
“None of your jokes here, nevvy, I say,” cried
Mr. Wilkins; “and don't talk to Pattie about marrying,
for she has had enough of that already.”
“I ha'n't, pa,” said the daughter, beginning to
cry again; “you're always twitting me with Danny.
But I'm sure, if you're willing, I'd as lief
marry my cousin Ikey—that is, cousin Dulmer—
as anybody.”
“Who's Danny?” said I.
My uncle looked black, but Pattie answered
boldly,
“Why, my sweetheart, to be sure—Danny Baker—
one of the truest sweethearts you ever saw;
and oh, so handsome! But he was nothing but
one of pa's clerks, and so we turned him off between
us; and because I took his part, and said it
was no great harm in him to like me, pa is always
twitting me about him, and I can't abide it. If I
am to be twitted about everybody that likes me, I
should like to know where will be the end of it?”
I perceived that my little cousin had a good opinion
of herself, which was proper enough; but I
reprobated the good-will she extended to her admirer,
telling her that all clodhoppers were to be
despised, and that she must now think of being
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liked by none but fine gentlemen. My counsel, as
I discovered afterward, was peculiarly acceptable
to my uncle, and greatly increased his respect for
me; and as for Pattie, she dried her eyes, and
said “she had as much spirit as anybody, but
Danny Baker was no fool, for all we might say of
him.”
In short, the interview was much more satisfactory
than I had dared to anticipate; and finding my
uncle and cousin were eager to have my instructions
and assistance, so as to begin the world as
soon and with as much eclat as possible, I summoned
my wisdom, and laid down the law to them
forthwith. A house was to be immediately had;
and recollecting the state of Mr. Periwinkle Smith's
affairs, I recommended that my uncle should make
proposals for his dwelling, which was just the house
required, and which I supposed Mr. Smith, or the
sheriff for him, would soon bring to the hammer.
Nay, in the exuberance of my affection, I offered
to begin the negotiation myself, and visit Mr. Periwinkle
Smith that day; whereby I might have an
opportunity to return my thanks for his friendly assistance
at the Schuylkill, without exciting any
false hopes in the bosom of his daughter, which I
feared might be the result if I went without an object.
I then discoursed on the subject of carriages
and horses, furniture, tailors, and mantuamakers,
and with such effect, that I perceived I should
have the control of all my uncle's affairs, directing
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his expenses, and making all his purchases; which
I saw would be highly advantageous in reinstating
my credit, even if it led to no better profit.
Bird, Robert Montgomery, 1806-1854 [1836], Sheppard Lee, volume 1 (Harper & Brothers, New York) [word count] [eaf016v1].
