“Adieu!” said Tickle, giving me a nod, as much
as to say, “Make the most of the old gentleman;”
he then imitated the duns, and left me; a circumstance
for which I was not sorry, for I was somewhat
ashamed of my uncle.

“Fine-looking young fellow that,” said Mr.
Wilkins; “must be a rich dog to lend you a thousand
dollars. But I say, Ikey—”

“Uncle Wiggins—that is, Wilkins,” said I, “I
beg you won't call me by any such vulgar nickname
as Ikey. I can't abide nicknames; they
are horrid plebeian.”

“Ods bobs,” said my uncle, “I call my son
Sammy, Sammy and Sam too—”

“What,” said I, “have you a son?”

“Ods bobs!” said he; “why, didn't you know?

[figure description] Page 175.[end figure description]

I say, nevvy, your dad and me was never good
friends; proud as a turkey-cock—thought me a
democrat and no great shakes, but I snapped up his
sister though; and so there was never no love lost
between us: never knew much about one another,
especially him. But I say, nevvy, ods bobs, don't
be a fool, and despise like your dad; could buy
him six times over if he was alive, and don't suppose
you're much richer; and don't value you a
new pin. Don't pretend you didn't know I had a
son; might as well say you didn't know I had a
daughter.”

The old gentleman looked somewhat incensed:
I hastened to pacify him, by assuring him I had
had a violent fit of sickness and lost my memory.
I then drew from him without difficulty as much
of his history and affairs as I cared to know.

Although of a vulgar stock, his face had, somehow
or other, captivated the fancy of my father's
sister, who very ungenteelly ran off with him, and
accompanied him to some interior village of the
state, where the happy swain sold tapes and
sugar, that being his profession. Here, although
discountenanced and despised by his wife's family,
he gradually amassed wealth, and in course of
time mightily increased it, by laying his hands on
those four great staples of the Susquehanna, iron,
lumber, coal, and whiskey. In fine, having scraped
together enough for his purpose, he yielded to a
design which his wife had first put into his plebeian
head, and which his children, as they grew up,

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took care to stimulate into action: this was, to
exchange his village for the metropolis, his musty
warehouses for elegant saloons, and live, during
the remainder of his life, a nabob and gentleman;
and in this design, as I discovered, he expected to
derive no little aid from my humble self, who,
being, as he said, a gentleman cut and dried, and
knowing to all such matters, could give him a hint
or two about high life, and help his children, the
hopeful Sammy and the interesting Pattie (for
such were their horrid names), into good society.
The first step of his design he had already taken,
having wound up his business and got him to
Philadelphia, with his brats, both of whom were
now safely lodged in a hotel, burning to make the
acquaintance of their fashionable cousin, my distinguished
self; and to these worthy kinsfolk he
proposed to carry me forthwith.

I debated the matter in my mind: Should I acknowledge
the claims of a brace of rustics with
two such names? Sammy Wilkins! Pattie Wilkins!
I felt that an old coat or a patched shoe
could not more endanger my reputation, than two
cousins named Sammy and Pattie. But the old
man was rich, and some good might arise from my
condescension. I agreed to go with him, and asked
him at what hotel he had put up.

“Oh,” said he, “at a mighty fine place—the
What-d'-ye-call-it, in Market-street.”

“In Market-street!” said I, and I thought his
nose looked more democratic than ever. “

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Horrible! vulgar beyond expression! How came you
to stop in such a low place? Can't expect any decent
man to go nigh you. Must carry you to
Head's without a moment's delay, or you'll be ruined
for ever.”

“Ods bobs,” said my uncle, “it's a very good
tavern, with eating and drinking for a king; but if
it's not fashionable, sha'n't stay there no longer;
shall go with us, nevvy, and show us the way to
What-d'-ye-call-it's. The hack will just hold four.”

I go to a tavern in Market-street? The idea
was offensive; and ride thither, and afterward, my
three country kinsfolk with me, to Head's, in a
hackney-coach! The Market-street tavern and the
hackney-coach finished my uncle Wilkins. I suddenly
recollected a highly important engagement,
which would deprive me of the pleasure of going
round with my excellent uncle that moment, to
make the acquaintance of my worthy cousins; nay,
I feared it would occupy me all that evening, being
an engagement of a very peculiar nature. I would
see them the next day, when they were safely
lodged at Head's, whither I recommended Mr.
Wilkins to proceed, bag and baggage, instanter.
My uncle accepted my excuses, and agreed to follow
my advice, with a ready docility that might
have pleased me, seeing that it showed the respect
in which he held me; but I perceived in it nothing
more than a willingness to be put into leading-strings,
arising from his consciousness of inferiority.

I got rid of him, and resolved I would consider

p016-187 [figure description] Page 178.[end figure description]

the pros and cons before compromising my reputation
by any public acknowledgment of relationship.

Then, being vastly tired by the varied business
of the day, I threw myself on my bed, where I
slept during the remainder of the day very soundly
and agreeably.