Having thus got upon the subject of the ladies,
we—that is, Tickle and myself—fell into a highly
agreeable conversation, in the course of which I
lost sight of all my fears and anxieties, until they
were suddenly recalled by the entrance—and a
very unceremonious one it was—of a tall fellow
with hinge knees and crow-bar elbows, fashionably
dressed, but whom there was no mistaking for
aught but a vulgarian. I knew his errand before he
spoke; and so did Tickle, who instantly cried out,

“Snip the tailor, eged! and another paroxysm
of dunning!”

“Servant, Mr. Dawkins,—servant, Mr. Tickle,”
said the gentleman, giving each of us a scrape;
“hope no intrusion and no offence; wouldn't go to
controvert gentlemen on no account. But, talking
of accounts, Mr. Dawkins, hope you'll excuse me;
wouldn't dun a gentleman for the world, but have a
cussed note in bank for cloth, and must make up the
sum by to-morrow; and so, if it's convenient, Mr.
Dawkins, shall be obliged for the amount of bill.”

“My uncle,” said I—

“Can't go that no more,” said the tailor; “can't
go that no more, begging pardon. Bill outstanding
nineteen months and over; wouldn't mind

[figure description] Page 165.[end figure description]

letting it run the year out, but for the cussed pressure
on the money-market: no money to be had
nowhere.”

“Right,” said Jack; “and what makes you
suppose you will get it here? Now, Snip, my
dear fellow, make yourself short. 'Tis not convenient
just now for my friend Dawkins to pay you.”

“Must take up that note,” said Mr. Snip; “can't
think of waiting no longer.”

The rascal spoke resolutely, though more cowardly-looking
than Sniggles: but who could withstand
the rage and indignation of my friend
Tickle?

“Away, you ungrateful loon!” said he; “is that
the way you serve the man that made you? Who
would have employed you, you botch, if Dawkins
had not taken you up and made you fashionable?”

“Ay, demmee, Snip,” said I, taking my cue from
Tickle, “I say, wasn't I the making of you? and
do you come dunning me? Didn't I recommend
you into notice and business? didn't I send my
friends to you?”

“Can't deny,” said the tailor, “won't controvert;
but must say, can't always get my money of Mr.
Dawkins's friends; but don't mean no offence.
Wouldn't think of pressing Mr. Dawkins; always
said he was my friend; wouldn't mind holding
back, if Mr. Dawkins would send me good pay-customers.”

“Well,” said I, thinking the man was modest in

[figure description] Page 166.[end figure description]

his desires, “I will: you shall have three Johnny
Raws before the week is out, and you may charge
them double.”

“Very much obliged, and won't controvert,” said
Mr. Snip, humbly; “but can't take no more promises.”

“And you really insist upon having your money?”
said Tickle.

“Ay!” said I, re-echoing his indignation, and
putting on a dignity that even awed myself, “you
are determined to have your money, and to lose
your business? Tickle, hand me back that five
hundred I lent you, or enough of it to pay the rascallion—
shall have it again as soon as I can run
down and see my uncle Wilkins. I say, Tickle,
hand me the money, and let me pay the ungrateful
rascal off.”

“If I do,” said Jack, “demmee! Encourage
dunning? Never!”

“He shall have his money,” said I. “Here,
you Snip, you man, you have broken your own
neck; come back here to-morrow at half past
twelve, with a receipt in full, take your money, and
never look to make a gentleman's coat again.
Come, Tickle, it is time I was with my uncle;
you shall go along and dine with him. A fine old
cock, I assure you!”

I surveyed the tailor; my dignity, and the sound
of my uncle's name, had subdued him. He slipped
his bill into his pocket, and looked penitent.

“Won't controvert a gentleman on no occasion,”

[figure description] Page 167.[end figure description]

he said. “Always said Mr. Dawkins was my
friend; and as for Mr. Dawkins's uncle—”

“Yes!” said Jack, “yes! you said you did not
believe in any such person! did not believe there
was such a person!”

“Can't controvert no gentleman,” said the tailor,
looking as if he had been rubbed down with his
own goose; “but never said no such thing, Mr.
Tickle. Always believed in Mr. Dawkins's uncle,
but only thought perhaps he wouldn't pay—that is,
wasn't certain, and didn't mean no offence; and so
if Mr. Dawkins will say a word for me now and
then to gentlemen that wants coats, I'll leave it to
his convenience; hoping he will excuse my coming
up stairs without asking, not having found no
servant, and not supposing he would take no offence,
and—”

And so the rascallion was going on, heaping
apology on apology, and about to depart in contrition
for his offence; when, as my evil genius would
have it, in popped Mr. Sniggles, foaming with
wrath, and looking daggers and conflagration.

“Trouble you for the amount of that 'ere small
account,” said the fellow; “don't believe in no
more uncles; won't be diddled no longer for nothing;
all diddle about uncle—just as Mrs. Sniggles
says—no more uncle than she has!”

“What do you mean?” said Jack Tickle; but
his indignation no longer daunted the dun, who cried
out, with uncommon emphasis and effect,—

“Had my doubts about the matter, and told

[figure description] Page 168.[end figure description]

Mrs. Sniggles, said I, `Mr. Dawkins's uncle has
come;' says Mrs. Sniggles, `Run down to the tavern
and see; for no sitch thing a'n't certain till we
knows it.' And so I runs down to the Mansion
House, and Mr. Wilkins wasn't there; and then I
runs to the United States, hoping it was a mistake,
and Mr. Wilkins wasn't there; and then I runs to
this place and that place, and Mr. Wilkins wasn't
there; and, as Mrs. Sniggles said, Mr. Wilkins
wasn't nowhere, but 'twas all diddle, and throwing
dust in my eyes. And so, as for this here account,
one hundred and forty-one dollars sixty—”

“Don't controvert no one,” said Mr. Snip, who
had listened all agape to the outpourings of the
other, and now turned his battery upon me again,
“but can't think of keeping the account open no
longer; don't want to be hard upon any gentleman,
but must have my money.”

“One hundred and forty-one dollars sixty cents,”
said Sniggles.

“Two hundred and thirty-seven,” said Snip.

But why should I detail the particulars of that
eventful hour? Even Tickle's courage sank before
the fire of the enraged assailants; and as for
mine, had it been fortified by a heart of steel and
ribs of brass, it must have yielded to the horrors
that followed. Duns follow the same laws as flies
and carrion-crows; no sooner does one swoop at a
victim, than down drop a thousand others to share
the feast. Scarce had my landlord and the tailor
begun the assault, when there sneaked into the room

[figure description] Page 169.[end figure description]

a consumptive-looking fellow, smelling strongly of
leather and rosin, who displayed a greasy scrap of
paper, and added his pipe to the others. Then
came another, with inky hands, a black spot on his
nose, and a new hat under his arm; then another,
and another, and another; until I believe there
were fourteen different souls in the room (or rather
bodies, for I don't think they had one soul among
them), all of them armed with long bills, all clamorous
for their money, and all (each being encouraged
by the example of the others) as noisy, mad,
and ferocious as any mob of free and independent
republicans I ever laid eyes on. Such a siege of
dunning was perhaps never endured, except by a
poor dandy. They dunned and they dinned, they
poked out their ugly bills, and they gave loose to
their inhuman tongues,—in a word, they conducted
in such a manner that I was more than once inclined
to jump out the window, being driven to
complete desperation.

In the midst of all, and when I saw no escape
whatever from my persecutions, they were brought
to a close by a most unexpected incident. The
door flew open, and in rushed—not a fifteenth tormentor,
as I expected—but an angel of light in the
person of Nora Magee, who screamed out at the
top of her voice,—

“Och, hinny darlint, your uncle, Misther Wiggins,
has come! and in a beautiful carriage! and
he looks as if he could pay your ditts twice over!
Sure, now, and ye'll ax him for my tin dollars?”

p016-179

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