[figure description] Page 140.[end figure description]

Widders are an interesting studdy. Tha ma be
dividid (tew anser our purpis,) into 3 classes: The
Lone, The Grass, and The Star Spangled Banner
Widder. The Lone Widder iz ginerally selebrated
for her piety, she haz passed the middle ov life,
she knows she haz got gra hairs in her hed, she will
tell her age, and talks tenderla ov her ded husband.
Her grief iz sober, her weeds are rank, if she iz ritch,
she is charitable, if she is poor, she is humble. She
seldum marrys the sekund time. Her cheerfulness
never bekums gayety, and her sorrow never bekums
lamentashun. If she has children, she treats them
as the partners ov her bereavment, if she has none,
she bends down tew those she meets as she wud tew
the arly flower in her pathway. Her hole life is a
glora tew her sek, and an honour evra da tew him
whose good memry amung men she perpetuates.

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The Grass Widder is marrid without enny husband.
She keeps house at a hotel, and kalls the servants bi
familiar names. She sez that her husband is a kurnel
in the armee. Her thesis is unkongenial tempraments,
she kan repeat Don Juan, and hides Boccassio's
tales under her pillow. If she wud ride out
she orders a coach, and a gentleman; if she is ritch,
she is arrogant, if she is poor, she is brasen. She
kalls virtue prudery, and sez she wouldn't swop chastity
with Dianner. If her kurnel is fortunate enuff
tew git shot in battle, yu ma meet her and hiz Lutenant
at Nuport nex summer, married — for the
season.

The Star Spangled Widder iz yung, ornamental,
and — a fule. She married her husband bekauze
hiz name waz Alphonzo, and she mourns for him in
at least 50 feet ov krape. Her fingers are as jewelled
as the hilt ov a spanish dagger. She was eddikated
at a fust klass seminare, with a 9 months' vakashun
in it evry year, and talks awl the languages,
excep english, bravely. She gases on you from beneath
her limber eyelashes, as pensiv as a wel fed
kitten. Yu ma think she wants tew marry, but
she thinks she onla wants a friend. If she shud
snare some old feller, with a full puss, she wil make

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him a good toddy stik for his beverage. She has
more chastity than sens, and more vartue than affeckshun.

Upon refleckshun i am disposed tew sa that there
iz no condishun that a woman iz kalled upon tew fill
so delikate, and so diffikult, as the widder; a condishun
in which the lovlaness ov their naturs kan be
made tew challenge our respek and admirashun, az
alzo, a condishun in which their frailties may exsite
our abhorrense, and their weakness, our disguss —
Amen!

p674-162

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