“Dic mihi, si fueris tu leo, qualis eris?”
“Let me play the lion too; I will roar that I will do any man's
heart good to hear me; I will roar that I will make the duke say,
`Let him roar again, let him roar again.' ”

Scarcely had our college excitements subsided, when
we were favoured by a visit from two apostolic new lights.
These holely men worked by inspiration, and had from
heaven patent ways of converting folks by wholesale—by
towns, villages, and settlements; although it must be
owned, the converts would not stay converted. And yet

[figure description] Page 020.[end figure description]

these men did verily do wonders at Woodville, as much so
as if by Mesmerism or Mormonism or Catholicism they
had magnetised and stupefied all our moral and spiritual
phrenological developements! If the doctrine be true, as
some religious editors assert, and we suppose on good authority,
that the sect which can in the shortest time convert
the most is the favourite with heaven, then our new lights
deserved the appellation they gave themselves—Christ
ians.

Our priests depended on no “high larnin,”—set no apples
of gold in frames of silver, but despised “man-hatch'd
fillosofees;” and we may add, even harmless grammar, being
as they said “poor, unlarn'd, ignorant men,” and also,
unshaved, uncomb'd, and fearfully dirt-begrimed—close
imitators, as they insisted, of primitive Christianity. All
they did was “goin from house to house a eatin and drinkin
sich as was set afore them,” bellowing prayers, snivelling
and sobbing, and slobbering over man, woman, and child,
and “a begginin and beseechinin on them to come to
meetin.” And as meetings were held at every hour of
every day and every night, we lived on the trot in going
to and from them—becoming thus a very peculiar, if not a
very good people.

At meeting, our venerable teachers prayed as loud and
pertinaciously as the priests of Baal, aided, however, by
amateurs in the congregations; yet with it all, we never
advanced beyond oh!-ing and ah!-ing. Still, definite petitions
were often presented, some for “onreginerit world-lins,”
some for “hypocrit professors,” and many “for
folks what believed in John Calvin's religion and hadn't
never been convarted.” But as it was of importance to
have certain persons saved, and the divinity of the new
lights might not fully understand who was meant, names
were metioned in prayer, as “dear brother Smith,” or poor

[figure description] Page 021.[end figure description]

“dear sister Brown,” and sometimes titles were added, as
“dear Squire Goodman,” or “dear Major Meanwell.”

I never had the pleasure of hearing the bulls of Bashan
roar; yet, having heard our new light preachers, I can now
form a better conjecture as to that peculiar eloquence; at
all events, our two preachers foamed like a modern bull
worried by boys and butchers' dogs, and never gave over
till exhausted. Often what they said was unknown, as
their words seemed to burst asunder as soon as let out—
peculiar shells from wonderful mortars! And these two
personages as far excelled poor Philip in noise, grimace,
and incoherence, as he excelled in those qualities, a delicate
divine of the nineteenth century, who reads a sleepy
second-rate didactic discourse of a warm afternoon in dog-days,
in Pompous Square church; and that when the Rev.
Doctor Feminit fears the bronchitis.

And yet by this simple machinery, and well worked, in
about two weeks our new lights had converted every man,
woman, and child in Woodville, except Dr. Sylvan, Mr.
Carlton, and some other half dozen hardened sinners that
would “stout it out any how!” And now, from every house,
alley, grove, orchard, resounded forth curious groans, outcries,
yells, and other hell-a-beloo's of private prayer!
For all this was called private prayer!—the Scriptures, indeed,
directing otherwise; but Barton Stone, and Campbell
Stone can do much more with people out there than Peter
Stone the apostle; and men naturally love the fanatical
Pharisaism of pseudo-inspired teachers, councils and conclaves.

An opinion was held by most of our fanatics, that direct,
earnest, and persevering prayer would result in the instantaneous
conversion of any one in whose favour it was
made; and of course to the most opposite creeds! This
naturally led to some ridiculous consequences; for it soon
was argued that if an unregenerate man could be got by

[figure description] Page 022.[end figure description]

any art or contrivance, or coaxing, to pray right earnestly
for himself, and cry out loud and long for mercy, he would
be immediately converted; nay, it was held to be efficacious
if he could be forced by physical means to pray! Hence
among other things of the sort, one of our domestic chaplains,
a very large and fat man, now stirred up and enlivened
by this visit of the good men, overtook a neighbour
in the woods going to meeting, and after having in vain exhorted
the person “to fall right down on his knees and cry
for mercy,” he suddenly leaped on the incorrigible rascal,
and cast him to the earth; and then getting astride the
humbled sinner, he pressed him with the weight of 225lbs
avoirdupois, till he cried out with sufficient earnestness and
intensity to “get religion!” Nor did this convert made
by so novel a papistical engine fall away any sooner than
most other converts mechanically forced, although by different
contrivances—he hung on some weeks. Besides,
if little children in western New-York were whipped with
a rod into the kingdom of heaven, why should not a stout
sinner, too big for that discipline, be pommelled into the
same kingdom in the New Purchase, by Bishop Paunch?

And would not more persons have been converted to
Oberlinism, Finneyism, or Abolitionism, or Anyism, if, after
the manner with our new lights, folks had more frequently
been characterized by their entire names and employments,
when prayed for? Indeed, one distinguished lawyer
in Western New-York, always ascribed his non-conversion,
after innumerable prayers made for him in public, and even
by name, to the unfortunate omission of his middle name!

Religious reader! do not mistake us; we are laughing
at Satan's delusions! And we lived long enough to find
true what we once heard a very learned, talented and pious
minister of the Gospel say, that “all such excitements from
false religions were sure to be followed by infidelity.” Our
evangelical churches were for a time deserted; our family

[figure description] Page 023.[end figure description]

altars abandoned; our domestic intercourse ruined; the Sabbath
desecrated; the sacred name profaned, and his attributes
sneered at; and avowed and flaming converts to fanaticism
were, in two or three years after, reeling drunkards, midnight
gamblers, open and unblushing atheists! Nay, assembled
in a certain grog-shop—(out there appropriately
called “a doggery”)—three years after did some of the
man-made converts form a horrible crew that tied up
against the wall one of their party in a mock crucifixion!—
and setting fire to rum poured on the floor, they called it—
“the blazes of hell!!”

But a religious incident reminds me of my friend, Insidias
Cutswell, Esq. And his history adds to the many
instances of self-education and self-elevation. His career,
it was said by his political enemies, began with his being a
musician to a caravan of travelling animals; but it argues
great intrinsic genius, that a man ever made the attempt to
rise from such a life, and had skill and tact to use opportunities,
by thousands in like circumstances suffered to pass
unheeded. Rise, however, Mr. Cutswell did, till in all
that country he stood intellectually pre-eminent, and was
justly celebrated for learning, enterprise, skill in his legal
profession, and, as a political leader. Since then he has
stood on elevated pinnacles, both east and west; and had
his spiritual man been good as the intellectual, there would
he be still standing;—and perhaps higher. Contrary to
the old saws, “virtue is its own reward” and “honesty is
the best policy” moral excellency does not always meet
with earthly rewards; but yet, the retirement of some
talented men, is occasionally owing to moral causes rather
than political ones. And hence, many lamented that this
gentleman had not been as good as he was great.

Mr. C. was a good Latin and Greek scholar, and well
acquainted with antiquities and other subjects cognate

[figure description] Page 024.[end figure description]

with the classics. He was deeply versed in the books of
law, and extensively read in history, political economy,
agriculture, architecture, chemistry, natural philosophy,
and metaphysics; and he was, moreover, an excellent
orator, using in his speeches the best language and with
the just pronunciation.

But,[4] my friend had two venial faults; one in common
with most politicians out (?) there, and one peculiar to himself—
maybe.

The first of these, was selfishness, and its consequence
moral cowardice. Hence, little reliance could be placed
in Mr. Cutswell by his friends—his enemies had in this
respect the advantage of his friends. And hence, he had
continual resort to log-rolling expedients; to some of
doubtful morality; and to some positively sinful, in order
to acquire or retain political ascendancy. Still, he was the
most sagacious man I ever knew at making political somersets;
for he turned so adroitly and so noiselessly, as to cheat
the eyes of beholders, and make it doubtful often whether
he was on his head or his feet; indeed, he kept such a
continual whirl as to seem always in the same place, and
yet he was always in a different one! Or to change
figures, he never turned with the tide, but watching the
symptoms of ebbs and flows he turned a little before the
tide; and thus, he always passed for a meritorious, patriotic,
people-loving leader of the true and honest party—i. e. the
strongest; instead of a tag-rag and bob tailed follower in
search of loaves and fishes. Yea! he so managed that the
world usually said “Well, Cutswell's friends have deserted
him, poor fellow!”—when all the time Mr. Insidias Cutswell,
poor fellow, had deserted them!

The other foible of his was a grand deportment put on

[figure description] Page 025.[end figure description]

like a cloak when he entered elevated society, but laid
aside in his chambers or among the canaille. Doubtless
this arose from a mistaken notion of what constitutes good
behaviour as he was passing from the grub to the winged
state; and, maybe, to conceal that he had not always soared
but sometimes creeped. For instance, nothing could transcend
the pomp of his manner and dress on some occasions,
when from home, unless a New Purchase “Gobbler” in
the gallanting season; and then his style of taking snuff
when in full costume and under the eye of magnates, was
equal to a Lord Chamberlain's—it made you sneeze to
witness it!

First came an attitude—so grand!—it looked as if it had
been studied on a cellar door under the windows of a print
shop, from an engraving of Cook, or Kean, or Kemble in
royal robes at the acme of his sublime! Oh! the magnificence
of that look! And next, the polished box of fragrant
sternutatory powder (which he took instead of snuff)
would be extracted from the receptacle of an inner vest, a
single finger and thumb being delicately insinuated for that
duty; and the box thus withdrawn with so bewitching a
grace would then be held a moment or two till my lord
had completed some elaborate period, or till his deep interest
in the absorbing nothings you were uttering should
seem suspended by your own pausing. At that instant, his
eye glancing in playful alternation from his friend's face to
the box, he would perform a scale of rapid taps on the side
of the box with the index finger of the dexter hand to wake
up the sternutatory inmate; after which, modestly removing
or opening the lid, he would, in the manner of Sacas,
the Persian cup-bearer, first present the delicious aromatic
for your touch, and then with his own finger and thumb a
moment suspended in a pouncing position, he would suddenly
dart on to the triturated essence and snatch hurriedly
thence the tiniest portion possible. Arresting now his

[figure description] Page 026.[end figure description]

hand half way in its upward flight, the pinch downward
yet at the tips of the finger and the thumb, he would for
the last time look with an interesting smile into his friend's
face, and in the midst of that gay sunshine, suddenly turning
the pinch under his own olfactory organ, he would inhale
the perfume with the most musical sniffle imaginable!
Retrograde motions and curves of becoming solemnity,
amplitude and grace, would close the box and restore it to
the inner vest—and so Mr. Cutswell would have snuffed!

Impatient folks may think it takes long to describe a
pinch; but, then, it took still longer to perform one.

Mr. Cutswell, among other matters, was no mean performer
on the violin; and on one occasion, at a private
concert at my house, forgetting his usual caution, he entertained
me with an anecdote about his fiddle and his
Bishop. For be it known, that like other politicians, Mr.
C. was a theoretical member of a religious people, who
looked on fiddle-playing as on the sin of witchcraft—although
I do not know whether he had ever received the
rite of confirmation; yet nothing but his high standing
saved him from an excommunication, that out there would
speedily have been visited on a poor player. Still his
Bishop was a faithful shepherd's dog, and hesitated not to
growl and bark, if he did to bite; being, also, one who prayed
for men sometimes by name, and at them often by description.
And so he contrived once to pray at Mr. Cutswell's
fiddling or rather against his fiddle; and nothing could
ever so belittle that instrument as this preacher's periphrastic
abuse of that curious compound of catgut, rosin,
and horsehair.

“I was present,” said Mr. Cutswell, laying down his
fiddle and bow upon our piano,—“some few evenings
since, after the discharge of my legal duties at the court
house—(attitude commencing for taking snuff,)—present,
Mr. Carlton, in the prayer-room of our chapel, a large

p111-362 [figure description] Page 027.[end figure description]

con-course of members being congregated for the customary
weekly devotions.” (snuff box out.) “Among others in
the apartment, was our venerable Bishop.” (Box tapped
and opened.) “He is a good and worthy man, sir; but
sub rosâ not wholly exempt from prejudice. Indeed, as to
music generally, but more especially that of the violin,—
(finger and thumb pouncing)—he entertains the most erroneous
sentiments;—(pinch going upwards)—and I fear that
he regards both myself and my instrument with feelings of
acerbity.” (Hem!—pinch inhaled.) In the course of his
prayer this evening, he contrived to administer to myself
in particular;—(lid closing)—but also to you, Mr. Carlton
and all other gentlemen that handle the bow,—(box “being”
returned)—the following very severe and appropriate admonition,
and in the exact words I now quote:

“ `Oh! Lord! oh!—I beseech thee to have marsy on
all them there poor sinners what plays on that instrumint,
whose sounds is like the dying screech of that there
animal out of whose intrils its strings is made!' ”

Amen!—at a venture! (Pompey or Cæsar.)

eaf111v2.n4

[4] But, is here an adversative conjunction; commonly employed
after high praise of one's friends.