None can tell us how plenty good things are till he looks
for them; and hence, to the great surprise of the Committee,
there seemed to be a sudden growth and a large crop of persons
even in and around Woodville, either already qualified
for the “Professorships,” as we named them in our publications,
or who could “qualify” by the time of election.
As to the “chair” named also in our publications, one very
worthy and disinterested schoolmaster offered, as a great
collateral inducement for his being elected, “to find his own
chair!”—a vast saving to the State, if the same chair I saw
in Mr. Whackum's school-room. For his chair there was
one with a hickory bottom; and doubtless he would have
filled it, and even lapped over its edges, with equal dignity
in the recitation room of Big College.

The Committee had, at an early day, given an invitation
to the Rev. Charles Clarence, A.M. of New Jersey, and
his answer had been affirmative; yet for political reasons
we had been obliged to invite competitors, or make them,
and we found and created “a right smart sprinkle.”

Hopes of success were built on many things—for instance,
on poverty, a plea being entered that some thing
ought to be done for the poor fellow—on one's having
taught a common school all his born days, who now deserved
to rise a peg—on political, or religious, or fanatical
partizan qualifications—and on pure patriotic principles,
such as a person's having been “born in a canebrake and
rocked in a sugar trough.” On the other hand, a fat, dullheaded,
and modest Englishman asked for a place, because
he had been born in Liverpool! and had seen the world
beyond the woods and waters too! And another fussy,
talkative, pragmatical little gentleman, rested his pretensions
on his ability to draw and paint maps!—not projecting them
in round about scientific processes, but in that speedy and
elegant style in which young ladies copy maps at first chop
boarding schools! Nay, so transcendant seemed Mr.

[figure description] Page 014.[end figure description]

Merchator's claims, when his show or sample maps were exhibited
to us, that some in our Board, and nearly every body
out of it, was confident he would do for Professor of Mathematics
and even Principal.

But of all our unsuccessful candidates, we shall introduce
by name only two—Mr. James Jimmey, A.S.S., and Mr.
Solomon Rapid, A. to Z.

Mr. Jimmey, who aspired to the mathematical chair,
was master of a small school of all sexes, near Woodville.
At the first, he was kindly, yet honestly told, his knowledge
was too limited and inaccurate; yet, notwithstanding
this, and some almost rude repulses afterwards, he persisted
in his application and his hopes. To give evidence
of competency, he once told me he was arranging a new
spelling-book, the publication of which would make him
known as a literary man, and be an unspeakable advantage
to “the rising generation.” And this naturally brought on
the following colloquy about the work:—

“Ah! indeed! Mr. Jimmey?”

“Yes, indeed, Mr. Carlton.”

“On what new principle do you go, sir?”

“Why, sir, on the principles of nature and common
sense. I allow school-books for schools are all too powerful
obstruse and hard-like for to be understood without exemplifying
illustrations.”

“Yes, but Mr. Jimmey, how is a child's spelling-book to
be made any plainer?”

“Why, sir, by clear explifications of the words in one
column, by exemplifying illustrations in the other,”

“I do not understand you, Mr. Jimmey, give me a specimen—”

“Sir?”

“An example —”

“To be sure—here's a spes-a-example; you see, for
instance, I put in the spelling-column, C-r-e-a-m, cream,

[figure description] Page 015.[end figure description]

and here in the explification column, I put the exemplifying
illustration—Unctious part of milk!”

We had asked, at our first interview, if our candidate
was an algebraist, and his reply was negative; but, “he
allowed he could qualify by the time of election, as he was
powerful good at figures, and had cyphered clean through
every arithmetic he had ever seen, promiscuous questions
and all!” Hence, some weeks after, as I was passing his
door, on my way to a squirrel hunt, with a party of friends,
Mr. Jimmey, hurrying out with a slate in his hand, begged
me to stop a moment, and thus addressed me:—

“Well, Mr. Carlton, this algebra is a most powerful thing—
aint it?”

“Indeed it is, Mr. Jimmey—have you been looking into
it?”

“Looking into it! I have been all through this here fust
part, and by election time, I allow I'll be ready for examination.”

“Indeed!”

“Yes, sir! but it is such a pretty thing! Only to think
of cyphering by letters! Why, sir, the sums come out, and
bring the answers exactly like figures! Jist stop a minute—
look here; a stands for 6, and b stands for 8, and c
stands for 4, and d stands for figure 10; now if I say
a+b—c=d, it is all the same as if I said, 6 is 6 and 8 makes
14, and 4 substracted, leaves 10!! Why, sir, I done a
whole slate full of letters and signs; and afterwards, when
I tried by figures, they every one of them came out right
and brung the answer! I mean to cypher by letters altogether.”

“Mr. Jimmey, my company is nearly out of sight—if you
can get along this way through simple and quadratic equations
by our meeting, your chance will not be so bad—
good morning, sir.”

But our man of “letters” quit cyphering the new way,

[figure description] Page 016.[end figure description]

and returned to plain figures long before reaching equations;
and so he could not become our professor. Yet
anxious to do us all the good in his power, after our college
opened, he waited on me, a leading trustee, with a proposal
to board our students, and authorised me to publish—“as
how Mr. James Jimmey will take strange students (students
not belonging to Woodville) to board, at one dollar
a week, and find every thing, washing included, and will
black their shoos three times a week to boot, and—give
them their dog-wood and cherry-bitters every morning into
the bargain!!”

The most extraordinary candidate, however, was Mr.
Solomon Rapid. He was now somewhat advanced into
the shaving age, and was ready to assume offices the most
opposite in character; although justice compels us to say
Mr. Rapid was as fit for one thing as another. Deeming it
waste of time to prepare for any station till he was certain
of obtaining it, he wisely demanded the place first, and then
set to work to become qualified for its duties, being, I suspect
the very man, or some relation of his, who is recorded
as not knowing whether he could read Greek, as he had
never tried. And, beside, Mr. Solomon Rapid contended
that all offices, from president down to fence-viewer, were
open to every white American citizen; and that every republican
had a blood bought right to seek any that struck
his fancy; and if the profits were less, or the duties more
onerous than had been anticipated, that a man ought to resign
and try another.

Naturally, therefore, Mr. Rapid, thought he would like to
sit in our chair of languages, or have some employment
in the State college; and hence he called for that purpose
on Dr. Sylvan, who, knowing the candidate's character, maliciously
sent him to me. Accordingly, the young gentleman
presented himself, and without ceremony, instantly
made known his business thus:—

[figure description] Page 017.[end figure description]

“I heerd, sir, you wanted somebody to teach the State
school, and I'm come to let you know I'm willing to take
the place.”

“Yes, sir, we are going to elect a professor of languages
who is to be the principal, and a professor —”

“Well, I don't care which I take, but I'm willing to be
the principal. I can teach sifring, reading, writing, jogger-free,
surveying, grammur, spelling, definitions, parsin —”

“Are you a linguist?”

“Sir!”

“You of course understand the dead languages?”

“Well, can't say I ever seed much of them, though I
have heerd tell of them; but I can soon larn them—they
aint more than a few of them I allow?”

“Oh! my dear sir, it is not possible—we—can't—”

“Well, I never seed what I couldn't larn about as smart
as any body —”

“Mr. Rapid, I do not mean to question your abilities; but
if you are now wholly unacquainted with the dead languages,
it is impossible for you or any other talented man
to learn them under four or five years.”

“Pshoo! foo! I'll bet I larn one in three weeks! Try
me, sir,—let's have the furst one furst—how many are
there?”

“Mr. Rapid, it is utterly impossible; but if you insist, I
will loan you a Latin book —”

“That's your sorts, let's have it, that's all I want, fair
play.”

Accordingly, I handed him a copy of Historiæ Sacræ
with which he soon went away, saying, he “didn't allow
it would take long to git through Latin, if 'twas only sich a
thin patch of a book as that.”

In a few weeks, to my no small surprise, Mr. Solomon
Rapid again presented himself; and drawing forth the book
began with a triumphant expression of countenance:-

[figure description] Page 018.[end figure description]

“Well, sir, I have done the Latin.”

“Done the Latin!”

“Yes, I can read it as fast as English.”

“Read it as fast as English!!”

“Yes, as fast as English—and I didn't find it hard at
all.”

“May I try you on a page?”

“Try away, try away; that's what I've come for.”

“Please read here then, Mr. Rapid;” and in order to
give him a fair chance, I pointed to the first lines of the
first chapter, viz; “In principio deus creavit caelum et terram
intra sex dies; primo die fecit lucem,” &c.

“That, sir?” and then he read thus, “in prinspo duse
cree-vit kalelum et terrum intra[2] sex dyes—primmo dye fefe-sit
looseum,” &c.

“That will do, Mr. Rapid —”

“Ah! ha! I told you so.”

“Yes, yes—but translate.”

“Translate?!” (eyebrows elevating.)

“Yes, translate, render it.”

“Render it!! how's that?” (forehead more wrinkled.)

“Why, yes, render it into English—give me the meaning
of it.”

“Meaning!!” (staring full in my face, his eyes like saucers,
and forehead wrinkled with the furrows of eighty)—
“Meaning!! I didn't know it had any meaning. I thought
it was a DEAD language!!”

Well, reader, I am glad you are not laughing at Mr. Rapid;
for how should any thing dead speak out so as to be

p111-354 [figure description] Page 019.[end figure description]

understood? And indeed, does not his definition suit the vexed
feelings of some young gentlemen attempting to read Latin
without any interlinear translation? and who inwardly, cursing
both book and teacher, blast their souls “if they can make
any sense out of it.” The ancients[3] may yet speak in their
own languages to a few; but to most who boast the honour
of their acquaintance, they are certainly dead in the sense
of Solomon Rapid.

Our honourable board of trustees at last met; and after
a real attempt by some, and a pretended one by others, to
elect one and another out of the three dozen candidates,
the Reverend Charles Clarence, A.M., was chosen our
principal and professor of languages; and that to the chagrin
of Mr. Rapid and other disappointed persons, who all
from that moment united in determined and active hostility
towards the college, Mr. Clarence, Dr. Sylvan, Mr. Carlton,
and, in short, towards “every puss proud aristocrat
big-bug, and darn'd blasted Yankee in the New Purchase.”

eaf111v2.n2

[2] Our yankee linguists will rejoice to know that Mr. Rapid pronounced
the a just as flat and calfish as themselves; as they thus have untu-tored
nature on their side, just as the Egyptian king had the goats and
the babies on his.