Simple.
Evans.
I pray you now, good Master Slender's serving-man,
and friend Simple by your name, which way
have you looked for Master Caius, that calls himself doctor
of physic?
Sim.
Marry, sir, the pittie-ward note, the park-ward note, every
way; old Windsor way, and every way but the town way.
Evans.
I most fehemently desire you you will also note
look that way.
Sim.
I will, sir.
[Exit.
Evans.
Pless my soul, how full of chollors note I am, and
trempling of mind!—I shall be glad if he have deceived
-- 202 --
me.—How melancholies I am!—I will knog his urinals
about his knave's costard when I have goot opportunities
for the ork.—Pless my soul!—
[Sings.
To shallow note rivers, to whose falls
Melodious birds sings note madrigals;
There will we make our peds of roses,
And a thousand fragrant note posies.
To shallow note—
Mercy on me! I have a great dispositions note to cry.
[Sings.
Melodious birds sing madrigals note—
Whenas I sat in Pabylon—
And a thousand vagram note posies.
To shallow note &c.
Re-enter Simple.
Sim.
Yonder he is coming, this way, Sir Hugh.
Evans.
He's welcome.—
[Sings.
To shallow note rivers, to whose note falls—
Heaven prosper the right!—What weapons is he?
Sim.
No weapons, sir. There comes my master,
Master Shallow, and another gentleman, from Frogmore,
over the stile, this way.
Evans.
Pray you, give me my gown; or else keep it
in your arms.
noteEnter Page, Shallow, and Slender.
Shal.
How now, master parson! Good morrow, good
Sir Hugh. Keep a gamester from the dice, and a good
student note from his book, and it is wonderful.
Slen. [Aside note]
Ah, sweet Anne Page!
Page.
Save you, good Sir Hugh!
Evans.
Pless you from his mercy sake, all of you!
-- 203 --
Shal.
What, the sword and the word! do you study
them both, master parson?
Page.
And youthful still! in your doublet and hose
this raw rheumatic day!
Evans.
There is reasons and causes for it.
Page.
We are come to you to do a good office, master
parson.
Evans.
Fery well: what is it?
Page.
Yonder is a most reverend gentleman, who, belike
having received wrong by some person, is at most odds
with his own gravity and patience that ever you saw.
Shal.
I have lived fourscore years and upward; I never
heard a man of his place, gravity, and learning, so wide of
his own respect.
Evans.
What is he?
Page.
I think you know him; Master Doctor Caius,
the renowned French physician.
Evans.
Got's will, and his passion of my heart! I had
as lief you would tell me of a mess of porridge.
Page.
Why?
Evans.
He has no more knowledge in Hibocrates and
Galen,—and he is a knave besides; a cowardly knave as
you would desires note to be acquainted withal.
Page.
I warrant you, he's the man should fight with
him.
Slen. [Aside note]
O sweet Anne Page!
note
Shal.
It appears so, by his weapons. Keep them asunder:
here comes Doctor Caius.
Enter Host, Caius, and Rugby.
Page.
Nay, good master parson, keep in note your weapon.
Shal.
So do you, good master doctor.
Host.
Disarm them, and let them question: let them
keep their limbs whole, and hack our English.
Caius.
I pray you, let-a me speak a word with your
ear. Verefore vill you not meet-a me?
-- 204 --
Evans. [Aside note to Caius]
Pray you, use your patience:
in good time.
Caius.
By gar, you are de coward, de Jack dog, John
ape.
Evans. [Aside note to Caius]
Pray you note, let us not be laughing-stocks note
to other men's humours; I desire you in friendship,
and I will one way or other make you amends.
[Aloud note] I will knog your note urinals note about your knave's cogscomb
[for missing your meetings and appointments note].
Caius.
Diable!—Jack Rugby,—mine host de Jarteer,
—have I not stay for him to kill him? have I not, at de
place I did appoint?
Evans.
As I am a Christians soul, now, look you, this
is the place appointed: I'll be judgement by mine host of
the Garter.
Host.
Peace, I say, Gallia and Gaul note, French and
Welsh, soul-curer and body-curer!
Caius.
Ay, dat is very good; excellent.
Host.
Peace, I say! hear mine host of the Garter. Am
I politic? am I subtle? am I a Machiavel? Shall I lose my
doctor? no; he gives me the potions and the motions.
Shall I lose my parson, my priest note, my Sir Hugh? no; he
gives me the proverbs and the no-verbs. [Give me thy
hand, terrestrial; so note.] Give me thy hand, celestial; so.
Boys of art, I have deceived you both; I have directed
you to wrong places: your hearts are mighty, your skins
are whole, and let burnt sack be the issue. Come, lay their
-- 205 --
swords to pawn. Follow me, lads note of peace; follow, follow,
follow.
Shal.
Trust me, a mad host. Follow, gentlemen,
follow.
Slen. [Aside note]
O sweet Anne Page!
[Exeunt Shal., Slen., Page, and Host.
Caius.
Ha, do I perceive dat? have you make-a de sot
of us, ha, ha?
Evans.
This is well; he has made us his vlouting-stog note.
—I desire you that we may be friends; and let us knog our
prains together to be revenge on this same scall note, scurvy,
cogging companion, the host of the Garter.
Caius.
By gar, with note all my heart. He promise to bring
me where note is Anne Page; by gar, he deceive me too.
Evans.
Well, I will smite his noddles. Pray you,
follow.
[Exeunt.
note
Scene II. [Footnote:
The street, in Windsor.
Enter Mistress Page and Robin.
Mrs Page.
Nay, keep your way, little gallant; you were
wont to be a follower, but now you are a leader. Whether
had you rather lead mine eyes, or eye your master's heels?
Rob.
I had rather, forsooth, go before you like a man
than follow him like a dwarf.
Mrs Page.
O, you are a flattering boy: now I see
you'll be a courtier.
Enter Ford.
Ford.
Well met, Mistress Page. Whither go you?
Mrs Page.
Truly, sir, to see your wife. Is she at home?
Ford.
Ay; and as idle as she may hang together, for
want of company note. I think, if your husbands were dead,
you two would marry.
Mrs Page.
Be sure of that,—two other husbands.
-- 206 --
Ford.
Where had you this pretty weathercock?
Mrs Page.
I cannot tell what the dickens his name is
my husband had him of.—What do you call your knight's
name, sirrah?
Rob.
Sir John Falstaff.
Ford.
Sir John Falstaff! note
Mrs Page.
He, he; I can never hit on's note name. There
is such a league between my good man and he!—Is your
wife at home indeed?
Ford.
Indeed she is.
Mrs Page.
By your leave, sir: I am sick till I see her.
[Exeunt Mrs Page and Robin.
note
Ford.
Has Page any brains? hath he any eyes? hath
he any thinking? Sure, they sleep; he hath no use of them.
Why, this boy will carry a letter twenty mile, as easy as a
cannon will shoot point-blank twelve score. He pieces out
his wife's inclination; he gives her folly motion and advantage:
and now she's going to my wife, and Falstaff's boy
with her. A man may hear this shower sing in the wind.
And Falstaff's boy with her! Good plots, they are laid;
and our revolted wives share damnation together. Well; I
will take him, then torture my wife, pluck the borrowed
veil of modesty from the so seeming Mistress Page, divulge
Page himself for a secure and wilful Actæon; and to these
violent proceedings all my neighbours shall cry aim. [Clock
heard note.] The clock gives me my cue, and my assurance
bids me search: there note I shall find Falstaff: I shall be rather
praised for this than mocked; for it is as positive as the
earth is firm that Falstaff is there: I will go.
noteEnter Page, Shallow, Slender, Host, Sir Hugh Evans, Caius, and Rugby.
Shal., Page, &c.
Well met, Master Ford.
Ford.
Trust me, a good knot: I have good cheer at
home; and I pray you all go with me.
-- 207 --
Shal.
I must excuse myself, Master Ford.
Slen.
And so must I, sir: we have appointed to dine
with Mistress Anne, and I would not break with her note for
more money than I'll speak of. note
Shal.
We have lingered about a match between Anne
Page and my cousin Slender, and this day we shall have
our answer.
Slen.
I hope I have your good will, father Page.
Page.
You have, Master Slender; I stand wholly for
you:—but my wife, master doctor, is for you altogether.
Caius.
Ay, be-gar; and de maid is love-a me: my
nursh-a Quickly tell me so mush.
Host.
What say you to young Master Fenton? he
capers, he dances, he has eyes of youth, he writes verses,
he speaks holiday, he smells April note and May: he will
carry't, he will carry't; 'tis in his buttons note; he will carry't.
Page.
Not by my consent, I promise you. The gentleman
is of no having: he kept company with the wild
prince and Poins note; he is of too high a region; he knows
too much. No, he shall not knit a knot in his fortunes with
the finger of my substance: if he take her, let him take her
simply; the wealth I have waits on my consent, and my
consent goes not that way.
Ford.
I beseech you heartily, some of you go home
with me to dinner: besides your cheer, you shall have sport;
I will show you a monster. Master doctor, you shall go;
so shall you, Master Page; and you, Sir Hugh.
Shal.
Well, fare you well: we shall have the freer
wooing at Master Page's.
[Exeunt Shal. and Slen.
Caius.
Go home, John Rugby; I come anon.
[Exit Rugby.
Host.
Farewell, my hearts: I will to my honest knight
Falstaff, and drink canary with him.
[Exit.
Ford. [Aside]
I think I shall drink in pipe-wine first
with him; I'll make him dance. Will you go, gentles?
All.
Have with you to see this monster.
[Exeunt.
-- 208 --
note
Scene III. [Footnote:
A room in Ford's house.
Enter Mistress Ford and Mistress Page.
Mrs Ford.
What, John! What, Robert!
Mrs Page.
Quickly, quickly!—is the buck-basket—
Mrs Ford.
I warrant. What, Robin, I say!
Enter Servants with a basket.
Mrs Page.
Come, come, come.
Mrs Ford.
Here, set it down.
Mrs Page.
Give your men the charge; we must be brief.
Mrs Ford.
Marry, as I told you before, John and
Robert note, be ready here hard by in the brew-house; and
when I suddenly call you, come forth, and, without any
pause or staggering, take this basket on your shoulders:
that done, trudge with it in all haste, and carry it among
the whitsters in Datchet-mead, and there empty it in
the muddy ditch close by the Thames side.
Mrs Page.
You will do it?
Mrs Ford.
I ha' told them over and over; they lack
no direction. Be gone, and come when you are called.
[Exeunt Servants.
Mrs Page.
Here comes little Robin.
Enter Robin.
Mrs Ford.
How now, my eyas-musket! what news
with you?
Rob.
My master, Sir John, is come in at your note back-door,
Mistress Ford, and requests your company.
Mrs Page.
You little Jack-a-Lent, have you been true
to us?
Rob.
Ay, I'll be sworn. My master knows not of your
being here, and hath threatened to put me into everlasting
liberty, if I tell you of it; for he swears he'll turn me away.
-- 209 --
Mrs Page.
Thou'rt a good boy: this secrecy of thine
shall be a tailor to thee, and shall make thee a new doublet
and hose. I'll go hide me.
Mrs Ford.
Do so. Go tell thy master I am alone.
[Exit Robin.] Mistress Page, remember you your cue.
Mrs Page.
I warrant thee; if I do not act it, hiss me.
[Exit.
Mrs Ford.
Go to, then: we'll use this unwholesome
humidity, this gross watery pumpion; we'll teach him to
know turtles from jays.
noteEnter Falstaff.
Fal.
‘Have I caught’ thee note, ‘my heavenly jewel?’ Why,
now let me die, for I have lived long enough: this is the
period of my note ambition: O this blessed hour!
Mrs Ford.
O sweet Sir John!
Fal.
Mistress Ford, I cannot cog, I cannot prate,
Mistress note Ford. Now shall I sin in my wish: I would thy
husband were dead: I'll speak it before the best lord;
I would make thee my lady.
Mrs Ford.
I your lady, Sir John! alas, I should be a
pitiful lady!
Fal.
Let the court of France show me such another. I
see how thine eye would emulate the diamond: thou hast
the right arched beauty of the brow that becomes the shiptire,
the tire-valiant note, or any tire of Venetian admittance note.
Mrs Ford.
A plain kerchief, Sir John: my brows become
nothing else; nor that well neither.
Fal.
By the Lord, thou art a traitor note to say so: thou
wouldst make an absolute courtier; and the firm fixture note of thy
foot would give an excellent motion to thy gait in a semi-circled
-- 210 --
farthingale. I see what thou wert, if Fortune thy foe
were not, Nature note thy friend. Come, thou canst not hide it.
Mrs Ford.
Believe me, there's no such thing in me.
Fal.
What made me love thee? let that persuade thee
there's note something extraordinary in thee. Come, I cannot
cog, and say thou art this and that, like a many of these
lisping hawthorn-buds, that come like women in men's apparel,
and smell like Bucklersbury in simple note time; I cannot:
but I love thee; none but thee; and thou deservest it.
Mrs Ford.
Do not betray me, sir. I fear you love
Mistress Page.
Fal.
Thou mightst as well say I love to walk by the
Counter-gate, which is as hateful to me as the reek of a
lime-kiln.
Mrs Ford.
Well, heaven knows how I love you; and
you shall one day find it.
Fal.
Keep in that mind; I'll deserve it.
Mrs Ford.
Nay, I must tell you, so you do; or else I
could not be in that mind.
Rob. [Within note]
Mistress Ford, Mistress Ford! here's
Mistress Page at the door, sweating note, and blowing, and
looking wildly, and would needs speak with you presently.
Fal.
She shall not see me: I will ensconce me behind
the arras.
Mrs Ford.
Pray you, do so: she's a very tattling
woman.
[Falstaff hides himself.
noteRe-enter note Mistress Page and Robin.
What's the matter? how now!
Mrs Page.
O Mistress Ford, what have you done?
You're shamed, you're overthrown, you're undone for ever!
Mrs Ford.
What's the matter, good Mistress Page?
-- 211 --
Mrs Page.
O well-a-day, Mistress Ford! having an
honest man to your husband, to give him such cause of
suspicion!
Mrs Ford.
What cause of suspicion?
Mrs Page.
What cause of suspicion! Out upon you!
how am I mistook in you!
Mrs Ford.
Why, alas, what's the matter?
Mrs Page.
Your husband's coming hither, woman,
with all the officers in Windsor, to search for a gentleman
that he says is here now in the house, by your consent, to
take an ill advantage of his absence: you are undone.
Mrs Ford.
'Tis not so note, I hope.
Mrs Page.
Pray heaven it be not so, that you have
such a man here! but 'tis most certain your husband's coming,
with half Windsor at his heels, to search for such a one.
I come before to tell you. If you know yourself clear,
why, I am glad of it; but if you have a friend here, convey,
convey him out. Be not amazed; call all your senses to
you; defend your reputation, or bid farewell to your good
life for ever.
Mrs Ford.
What shall I do? There is a gentleman
my dear friend; and I fear not mine own shame so much
as his peril: I had rather than a thousand pound he were
out of the house.
Mrs Page.
For shame! never stand ‘you had rather’
and note ‘you had rather:’ your husband's here at hand; bethink
you of some conveyance: in the house you cannot
hide him. O, how have you deceived me! Look, here is a
basket: if he be of any reasonable stature, he may creep
in here; and throw foul linen upon him, as if it were going
to bucking: or,—it is whiting-time,—send him by your two
men to Datchet-mead.
Mrs Ford.
He's too big to go in there. What shall
I do?
Fal. [Coming forward note]
Let me see't, let me see't,
O, let me see't!—I'll in, I'll in.—Follow your friend's
counsel.—I'll in.
-- 212 --
Mrs Page.
What, Sir John Falstaff! Are these your
letters, knight?
Fal.
I love thee note.—Help me away.—Let me creep in
here.—I'll never—
[Gets into the basket; they cover him with foul linen. note
Mrs Page.
Help to cover your master, boy.—Call your
men, Mistress Ford.—You dissembling knight!
Mrs Ford.
What, John! Robert note! John!
[Exit Robin. note
Re-enter Servants.
Go take up these clothes here quickly.—Where's the cowlstaff?
look, how you drumble!—Carry them to the laundress
in Datchet-mead; quickly, come.
noteEnter Ford, Page, Caius, and Sir Hugh Evans.
Ford.
Pray you, come near: if I suspect without cause,
why then make sport at me; then let me be your jest;
I deserve it.—How now! note whither bear you this?
Serv.
To the laundress, forsooth.
Mrs Ford.
Why, what have you to do whither they
bear it? You were best meddle with buck-washing.
Ford.
Buck!—I would I could wash myself of the buck!
—Buck, buck, buck! Ay, buck; I warrant you, buck; and
of the season too, it shall appear. [Exeunt Servants with the
basket. note] Gentlemen, I have dreamed to-night; I'll tell you
my dream. Here, here, here be my keys: ascend my chambers;
search, seek, find out: I'll warrant we'll unkennel the
fox. Let me stop this way first. [Locking the door. note] So,
now uncape note.
Page.
Good Master Ford, be contented: you wrong
yourself too much.
Ford.
True, Master Page. Up, gentlemen; you shall
see sport anon: follow me, gentlemen.
[Exit.
-- 213 --
Evans.
This is fery fantastical humours and jealousies.
Caius.
By gar, 'tis no the fashion of France; it is not
jealous in France.
Page.
Nay, follow him, gentlemen; see the issue of
his search.
[Exeunt Page, Caius, and Evans.
note
Mrs Page.
Is there not a double excellency in this?
Mrs Ford.
I know not which pleases me better, that
my husband is deceived, or Sir John.
Mrs Page.
What a taking was he in when your husband
asked who note was in the basket!
Mrs Ford.
I am half afraid he will have need of washing;
so throwing him into the water will do him a benefit.
Mrs Page.
Hang him, dishonest rascal! I would all of
the same strain were in the same distress.
Mrs Ford.
I think my husband hath some special suspicion
of Falstaff's being here; for I never saw him so gross
in his jealousy till now.
Mrs Page.
I will lay a plot to try that; and we will
yet have more tricks with Falstaff: his dissolute disease
will scarce obey this medicine.
Mrs Ford.
Shall we send that foolish note carrion, Mistress
Quickly, to him, and excuse his throwing into the water;
and give him another hope, to betray him to another punishment?
Mrs Page.
We will do it: let him be sent for to-morrow,
eight note o'clock, to have amends.
Re-enter Ford, Page, Caius, and Sir Hugh Evans.
Ford.
I cannot find him: may be the knave bragged
of that he could not compass.
Mrs Page. [Aside to Mrs Ford note]
Heard you that?
Mrs Ford.
You use note me well, Master Ford, do you?
Ford.
Ay, I note do so.
-- 214 --
Mrs Ford.
Heaven make you note better than your
thoughts!
Ford.
Amen!
Mrs Page.
You do yourself mighty wrong, Master Ford.
Ford.
Ay, ay; I must bear it.
Evans.
If there be any pody in the house, and in the
chambers, and in the coffers, and in the presses, heaven forgive
my sins at the day of judgement note!
Caius.
By gar, nor I too: there is no bodies.
Page.
Fie, fie, Master Ford! are you not ashamed?
What spirit, what devil suggests this imagination? I would
not ha' your distemper in this kind for the wealth of Windsor
Castle.
Ford.
'Tis my fault, Master Page: I suffer for it.
Evans.
You suffer for a pad conscience: your wife is
as honest a 'omans as I will desires among five thousand,
and five hundred too.
Caius.
By gar, I see 'tis an honest woman.
Ford.
Well, I promised you a dinner.—Come, come,
walk in the Park: I pray you, pardon me; I will hereafter
make known to you why I have done this.—Come, wife;
come, Mistress Page.—I pray you, pardon me; pray heartily
pardon me.
Page.
Let's go in, gentlemen; but, trust me, we'll
mock him. I do invite you to-morrow morning to my
house to breakfast: after, we'll a-birding together; I have
a fine hawk for the bush. Shall it be so?
Ford.
Any thing.
Evans.
If there is one, I shall make two in the company.
note
Caius.
If dere be one or two, I shall make-a the turd.
Ford.
Pray you, go, Master Page.
Evans.
I pray you now, remembrance to-morrow on
the lousy knave, mine host.
Caius.
Dat is good; by gar, with all my heart!
Evans.
A lousy knave, to have his gibes and his
mockeries!
[Exeunt.
-- 215 --
note
Scene IV. [Footnote:
A room in Page's house.
Enter Fenton and Anne Page.
Fent.
I see I cannot get thy father's love;
Therefore no more turn me to him, sweet Nan.
Anne.
Alas, how then?
Fent.
Why, thou must be thyself.
He doth object I am too great of birth;
And that, my state being gall'd with my expense,
I seek to heal it only by his wealth:
Besides these, other note bars he lays before me,—
My riots past, my wild societies;
And tells me 'tis a thing impossible
I should love thee but as a property.
Anne.
May be he tells you true.
Fent.
No, heaven so speed me in my note time to come!
Albeit I will confess thy father's wealth
Was the first motive that I woo'd thee, Anne:
Yet, wooing thee, I found thee of more value
Than stamps in gold or sums in sealed bags;
And 'tis the very riches of thyself
That now I aim at.
Anne.
Gentle Master Fenton,
Yet seek my father's love; still seek it, sir:
If opportunity note and humblest suit
Cannot attain it, why, then,—hark you hither!
[They converse apart.
noteEnter Shallow, Slender, and Mistress Quickly.
Shal.
Break their talk, Mistress Quickly: my kinsman
shall speak for himself.
Slen.
I'll make a shaft or a bolt on't: 'slid, 'tis but
venturing.
Shal.
Be not dismayed.
-- 216 --
Slen.
No, she shall not dismay me: I care not for
that, but that note I am afeard.
Quick.
Hark ye; Master Slender would speak a word
with you.
Anne.
I come to him. [Aside] This is my father's choice.
O, what a world of vile ill-favour'd faults
Looks handsome in three hundred pounds a-year!
Quick.
And how does good Master Fenton? Pray you,
a word with you.
Shal.
She's coming; to her, coz. O boy, thou hadst
a father!
Slen.
I had a father, Mistress Anne;—my uncle can
tell you good jests of him. Pray you, uncle, tell Mistress
Anne the jest, how my father stole two geese out of a pen note,
good uncle.
Shal.
Mistress Anne, my cousin loves you.
Slen.
Ay, that I do; as well as I love any woman in
Gloucestershire.
Shal.
He will maintain you like a gentlewoman.
Slen.
Ay, that I will, come cut and long-tail, under
the degree of a squire.
Shal.
He will make you a hundred and fifty pounds
jointure.
Anne.
Good Master Shallow, let him woo for himself.
Shal.
Marry, I thank you for it; I thank you for that
good comfort. She calls you, coz: I'll leave you.
Anne.
Now, Master Slender,—
Slen.
Now, good Mistress Anne,—
Anne.
What is your will?
Slen.
My will! od's heartlings, that's a pretty jest indeed!
I ne'er made my will yet, I thank heaven; I am not
such a sickly creature, I give heaven praise.
Anne.
I mean, Master Slender, what would you with
me?
Slen.
Truly, for mine own part, I would little or nothing
with you. Your father and my note uncle hath note made motions:
-- 217 --
if it be my luck so; if not, happy man be his dole! They
can tell you how things go better than I can: you may
ask note your father; here he comes.
noteEnter Page and Mistress Page.
Page.
Now, Master Slender: love him, daughter Anne.—
Why, how now! what does Master Fenton note here?
You wrong me, sir, thus still to haunt my house:
I told you, sir, my daughter is disposed of.
Fent.
Nay, Master Page, be not impatient.
Mrs Page.
Good Master Fenton, come not to my child.
Page.
She is no match for you.
Fent.
Sir, will you hear me?
Page.
No, good Master Fenton.
Come, Master Shallow; come, son Slender, in.
Knowing my mind note, you wrong me, Master Fenton.
[Exeunt Page, Shal., and Slen.
Quick.
Speak to Mistress Page.
Fent.
Good Mistress Page, for that I love your daughter
In such a righteous fashion as I do,
Perforce, against all checks, rebukes and manners,
I must advance the colours of note my love,
And not retire: let me have your good will.
Anne.
Good mother, do not marry me to yond fool.
Mrs Page.
I mean it not; I seek you a better husband.
Quick.
That's my master, master doctor.
Anne.
Alas, I had rather be set quick i' the earth,
And bowl'd to death with turnips! note
Mrs Page.
Come, trouble not yourself. Good Master Fenton,
I will not be your friend nor enemy;
My daughter will I question how she loves you,
And as I find her, so am I affected.
Till then farewell, sir: she must needs go in;
Her father will be angry note.
-- 218 --
Fent.
Farewell, gentle note mistress: farewell, Nan.
[Exeunt Mrs Page and Anne.
Quick.
This is my doing now: ‘Nay,’ said I, ‘will you
cast away your child on a fool, and note a physician? Look on
Master Fenton:’ this is my doing.
Fent.
I thank thee; and I pray thee, once to-night
Give my sweet Nan this ring: there's for thy pains.
Quick.
Now heaven send thee good fortune! [Exit
Fenton.] A kind heart he hath: a woman would run
through fire and water for such a kind heart. But yet
I would my master had Mistress Anne; or I would
Master Slender had her; or, in sooth, I would Master
Fenton had her: I will do what I can for them all three;
for so I have promised, and I'll be as good as my word;
but speciously for Master Fenton. Well, I must of another
errand to Sir John Falstaff from my two mistresses: what
a beast am I to slack it!
[Exit.
note
Scene V. [Footnote:
A room in the Garter Inn.
Enter Falstaff and Bardolph.
Fal.
Bardolph, I say,—
Bard.
Here, sir.
Fal.
Go fetch me a quart of sack; put a toast in't. [Exit
Bard.] Have I lived to be carried in a basket, like a barrow
of butcher's offal, and to be thrown in note the Thames? Well,
if I be served such another trick, I'll have my brains ta'en
out, and buttered, and give them to a dog for a new-year's
gift. The rogues slighted me into the river with as little
remorse as they would have drowned a blind bitch's note puppies,
fifteen i' the litter: and you may know by my size
that I have a kind of alacrity in sinking; if the bottom
were as deep as hell, I should down. I had been drowned,
but that the shore was shelvy and shallow,—a death that
-- 219 --
I abhor; for the water swells a man; and what a thing
should I have been when I had been swelled! I should
have been a mountain of mummy note.
Re-enter Bardolph with sack.
Bard.
Here's Mistress Quickly, sir, to speak with you.
Fal.
Come, let me pour in some sack to the Thames
water; for my belly's as cold as if I had swallowed snowballs
for pills to cool the reins. Call her in.
Bard.
Come in, woman!
noteEnter Mistress Quickly.
Quick.
By your leave; I cry you mercy: give your
worship good morrow.
Fal.
Take away these chalices. Go brew me a pottle note
of sack finely.
Bard.
With eggs, sir?
Fal.
Simple of itself; I'll no pullet-sperm in my brewage.
[Exit Bardolph.] How now!
Quick.
Marry, sir, I come to your worship from Mistress
Ford.
Fal.
Mistress Ford! I have had ford enough; I was
thrown into the ford; I have my belly full of ford.
Quick.
Alas the day! good heart, that was not her
fault: she does so take on with her men; they mistook
their erection.
Fal.
So did I mine, to build upon a foolish woman's
promise.
Quick.
Well, she laments, sir, for it, that it would yearn
your heart to see it. Her husband goes this morning
a-birding; she desires you once more to come to her
between eight and nine: I must carry her word quickly:
she'll make you amends, I warrant you.
Fal.
Well, I will visit her: tell her so; and bid her
think what a man is: let her consider his frailty, and then
judge of my merit.
-- 220 --
Quick.
I will tell her.
Fal.
Do so. Between nine and ten, sayest thou?
Quick.
Eight and nine, sir.
Fal.
Well, be gone: I will not miss her.
Quick.
Peace be with you, sir.
[Exit.
Fal.
I marvel I hear not of Master Brook; he sent me
word to stay within: I like his money well.—O, here he
comes.
Enter Ford.
Ford.
Bless you, sir!
Fal.
Now, Master Brook,—you come to know what
hath passed between me and Ford's wife?
Ford.
That, indeed, Sir John, is my business.
Fal.
Master Brook, I will not lie to you: I was at her
house the hour she appointed me.
Ford.
And sped you note, sir?
Fal.
Very ill-favouredly, Master Brook.
Ford.
How so, sir note? Did she change her determination?
Fal.
No, Master Brook; but the peaking Cornuto her
husband, Master Brook, dwelling in a continual 'larum of
jealousy, comes me note in the instant of our encounter, after
we had embraced, kissed, protested, and, as it were, spoke
the prologue of our comedy; and at his heels a rabble of
his companions, thither provoked and instigated by his
distemper, and, forsooth, to search his house for his wife's
love.
Ford.
What, while you were there?
Fal.
While I was there.
Ford.
And did he search for you, and could not find
you?
Fal.
You shall hear. As good luck would have it,
comes in one Mistress Page; gives intelligence of Ford's
approach; and, in note her invention and Ford's wife's distraction note,
they conveyed me into a buck-basket.
-- 221 --
Ford.
A buck-basket!
Fal.
By the Lord note, a buck-basket!—rammed me in with
foul shirts and smocks, socks, foul stockings, greasy napkins;
that, Master Brook, there was the rankest compound
of villanous smell note that ever offended nostril.
Ford.
And how long lay you there?
Fal.
Nay, you shall hear, Master Brook, what I have
suffered to bring this woman to evil for your good. Being
thus crammed in the basket, a couple of Ford's knaves, his
hinds, were called forth by their mistress to carry me in the
name of foul clothes to Datchet-lane: they took me on their
shoulders; met the jealous knave their master in the door,
who asked them once or twice what they had in their
basket: I quaked for fear, lest the lunatic knave would
have searched it; but fate, ordaining he should be a cuckold,
held his hand. Well: on went he for a search, and
away went I for foul clothes. But mark the sequel, Master
Brook: I suffered the pangs of three several note deaths; first,
an intolerable fright, to be detected with a jealous rotten
bell-wether; next, to be compassed, like a good bilbo, in
the circumference of a peck, hilt to point, heel to head;
and then, to be stopped in, like a strong distillation, with
stinking clothes that fretted in their own grease: think of
that,—a man of my kidney,—think of that,—that am as
subject to heat as butter; a man of continual dissolution
and thaw: it was a miracle to scape suffocation. And in
the height of this bath, when I was more than half stewed
in note grease, like a Dutch dish, to be thrown into the Thames,
and cooled, glowing hot, in that surge note, like a horse-shoe;
think of that,—hissing hot,—think of that, Master Brook.
Ford.
In good sadness, sir, I am sorry that for my sake
you have suffered note all this. My suit, then, is desperate;
you'll undertake her no more?
Fal.
Master Brook, I will be thrown into Etna, as I
have been into Thames, ere I will leave her thus. Her
-- 222 --
husband is this morning gone a-birding: I have received
from her another embassy of meeting; 'twixt eight and
nine is the hour, Master Brook.
Ford.
'Tis past eight already, sir.
Fal.
Is it? I will then address me to my appointment.
Come to me at your convenient leisure, and you
shall know how I speed; and the conclusion shall be
crowned with your enjoying her. Adieu. You shall have
her, Master Brook; Master Brook, you shall cuckold Ford.
[Exit.
Ford.
Hum! ha! is this a vision? is this a dream? do
I sleep? Master Ford, awake! awake, Master Ford! there's
a hole made in your best coat, Master Ford. This 'tis to
be married! this 'tis to have linen and buck-baskets!
Well, I will proclaim myself what I am: I will now take
the lecher; he is at my house; he cannot 'scape me; 'tis
impossible he should; he cannot creep into a halfpenny
purse, nor note into a pepper-box: but, lest the devil that guides
him should aid him, I will search impossible places.
Though what I am I cannot avoid, yet to be what I would
not shall not make me tame: if I have horns to make
one note mad, let the proverb go with me,—I'll be horn-mad.
[Exit. note
William Aldis Wright [1863–1866], The works of William Shakespeare edited by William George Clark... and John Glover [and William Aldis Wright] (Macmillan and Co., London) [word count] [S10701].
