SCENE II.
Rousillon.
Enter Countess and Clown.
Count.
Come on, sir; I shall now put you to the
height of your breeding.
Clo.
I will shew myself highly fed, and lowly
taught: I know my business is but to the court.
Count.
But to the court! why, what place make
you special, when you put off that with such contempt?
But to the court!
Clo.
Truly, madam, if God have lent a man any
manners, he may easily put it off at court: he that
cannot make a leg, put off's cap, kiss his hand, and
say nothing, has neither leg, hands, lip, nor cap;
and, indeed, such a fellow, to say precisely, were
not for the court: but, for me, I have an answer
will serve all men.
Count.
Marry, that's a bountiful answer, that fits
all questions.
Clo.
It is like a barber's chair, that fits all buttocks9 note;
the pin-buttock, the quatch-buttock, the
brawn-buttock, or any buttock.
Count.
Will your answer serve fit to all questions?
Clo.
As fit as ten groats is for the hand of an attorney,
as your French crown for your taffaty punk,
as Tib's rush for Tom's fore-finger1 note
, as a pancake for
-- 51 --
Shrove-tuesday, a morris for May-day, as the nail
to his hole, the cuckold to his horn, as a scolding
quean to a wrangling knave, as the nun's lip to the
friar's mouth; nay, as the pudding to his skin.
Count.
Have you, I say, an answer of such fitness
for all questions?
Clo.
From below your duke, to beneath your constable,
it will fit any question.
Count.
It must be an answer of most monstrous size,
that must fit all demands.
-- 52 --
Clo.
But a trifle neither, in good faith, if the learned
should speak truth of it: here it is, and all that belongs
to't: Ask me, if I am a courtier; it shall do
you no harm to learn.
Count.
2 noteTo be young again, if we could:—I will be
a fool in question, hoping to be the wiser by your
answer. I pray you, sir, are you a courtier?
Clo.
3 note
O Lord, sir,—There's a simple putting
off:—more, more, a hundred of them.
Count.
Sir, I am a poor friend of yours, that loves
you.
Clo.
O Lord, sir,—Thick, thick, spare not me.
Count.
I think, sir, you can eat none of this homely
meat.
Clo.
O Lord, sir,—Nay, put me to't, I warrant
you.
Count.
You were lately whip'd, sir, as I think.
Clo.
O Lord, sir,—Spare not me.
Count.
Do you cry, O Lord, sir, at your whipping,
and spare not me? Indeed, your O Lord, sir, is very
sequent to your whipping; you would answer very
well to a whipping, if you were but bound to't.
Clo.
I ne'er had worse luck in my life, in my—
O Lord, sir: I see, things may serve long, but not
serve ever.
Count.
I play the noble housewife with the time, to
entertain it so merrily with a fool.
Clo.
O Lord, sir,—Why, there't serves well again.
-- 53 --
Count.
An end, sir, to your business: Give Helen this,
And urge her to a present answer back:
Commend me to my kinsmen, and my son;
This is not much.
Clo.
Not much commendation to them.
Count.
Not much employment for you: You understand
me?
Clo.
Most fruitfully; I am there before my legs.
Count.
Haste you again.
[Exeunt.
Samuel Johnson [1778], The plays of William Shakspeare. In ten volumes. With the corrections and illustrations of various commentators; to which are added notes by Samuel Johnson and George Steevens. The second edition, Revised and Augmented (Printed for C. Bathurst [and] W. Strahan [etc.], London) [word count] [S10901].