I pray you now, good master Slender's serving-man,
and friend Simple by your name, which
way have you looked for master Caius, that calls
himself Doctor of Physick?
-- 295 --
Simp.
Marry, sir, 3notethe Pitty-wary, the Park-ward,
every way; old Windsor way, and every way but the
town way.
Eva.
I most fehemently desire you, you will also
look that way.
Sim.
I will, sir.
Eva.
'Pless my soul! how full of cholers I am,
and trempling of mind!—I shall be glad, if he have
deceiv'd me: how melancholies I am!—I will knog
his urinals about his knave's costard, when I have
good opportunities for the 'ork:—'pless my soul!
[unresolved image link]By shallow rivers, to whose falls
Melodious birds sing madrigals;
There will we make our peds of roses,
And a thousand vragrant posies.
By shallow—
-- 296 --
'Mercy on me! I have a great dispositions to cry.
Melodius birds sing madrigals;—
When as I sat in Babylon—
And a thousand vragrant posies.
By shallow—
-- 297 --
Simp.
Yonder he is coming, this way, sir Hugh.
Eva.
He's welcome:—
By shallow rivers, to whose falls—
Heaven prosper the right!—What weapons is he?
Simp.
No weapons, sir: There comes my master,
master Shallow, and another gentleman from Frogmore,
over the stile, this way.
-- 298 --
Eva.
Pray you, give me my gown; or else keep
it in your arms.
Enter Page, Shallow, and Slender.
Shal.
How now, master parson? Good-morrow,
good sir Hugh. Keep a gamester from the dice, and
a good student from his book, and it is wonderful.
Slen.
Ah sweet Anne Page!
Page.
Save you, good sir Hugh!
Eva.
'Pless you from his mercy sake, all of you!
Shal.
What! the sword and the word! do you
study them both, master parson?
-- 299 --
Page.
And youthful still, in your doublet and hose,
this raw rheumatick day?
Eva.
There is reasons and causes for it.
Page.
We are come to you, to do a good office,
master parson.
Eva.
Fery well: What is it?
Page.
Yonder is a most reverend gentleman, who
belike, having receiv'd wrong by some person, is at
most odds with his own gravity and patience, that
ever you saw.
Shal.
I have liv'd fourscore years, and upward; I
never heard a man of his place, gravity, and learning,
so wide of his own respect.
Eva.
What is he?
Page.
I think you know him; master doctor Caius,
the renowned French physician.
Eva.
Got's will, and his passion o' my heart! I
had as lief you would tell me of a mess of porridge.
Page.
Why?
Eva.
He has no more knowledge in Hibocrates
and Galen,—and he is a knave besides; a cowardly
knave, as you would desires to be acquainted withal.
Page.
I warrant you, he's the man should fight
with him.
Slen.
O, sweet Anne Page!
Enter Host, Caius, and Rugby.
Shal.
It appears so, by his weapons:—Keep them
asunder;—here comes doctor Caius.
Page.
Nay, good master parson, keep in your
weapon.
Shal.
So do you, good master doctor.
Host.
Disarm them, and let them question; let
them keep their limbs whole, and hack our English.
Caius.
I pray you, let-a me speak a word vit your
ear: Verefore vill you not meet-a me?
Eva.
Pray you, use your patience: In good time.
-- 300 --
Caius.
By gar, you are de coward, de Jack dog,
John ape.
Eva.
Pray you, let us not be laughing-stogs to
other men's humours; I desire you in friendship, and
will one way or other make you amends:—I will knog
your urinals about your knave's cogs-combs, for
missing your meetings and appointments.
Caius.
Diable!—Jack Rugby,—mine Host de Jarterre,
have I not stay for him, to kill him? have I
not, at de place I did appoint?
Eva.
As I am a christians soul, now, look you,
this is the place appointed; I'll be judgment by mine
host of the Garter.
Host.
Peace, I say, Gallia and Gaul, French and
Welch5note
, soul-curer and body-curer.
Caius.
Ay, dat is very good! excellent!
Host.
Peace, I say; hear mine host of the Garter.
Am I politick? am I subtle? am I a Machiavel?
Shall I lose my doctor? no; he gives me the potions,
and the motions. Shall I lose my parson? my priest?
my sir Hugh? no; he gives me the pro-verbs and the
no-verbs.—Give me thy hand, terrestial; so:—Give
me thy hand, celestial; so.—Boys of art, I have deceiv'd
you both; I have directed you to wrong
places: your hearts are mighty, your skins are whole,
and let burnt sack be the issue.—Come, lay their
swords to pawn:—Follow me, lad of peace; follow,
follow, follow.
Shal.
Trust me, a mad host.—Follow, gentlemen,
follow.
Slen.
O, sweet Anne Page!
[Exeunt Shal. Slen Page, and Host.
-- 301 --
Caius.
Ha! do I perceive dat? have you make-a
de sot of us? ha, ha!
Eva.
This is well; he has made us his vloutingstog.
—I desire you, that we may be friends; and let
us knog our prains together, to be revenge on this
same 6note
scald, scurvy, cogging companion, the host
of the Garter.
Caius.
By gar, vit all my heart; he promise to
bring me vere is Anne Page: by gar, he deceive me
too.
Eva.
Well, I will smite his noddles;—Pray you
follow.
SCENE II.The street in Windsor.Enter Mistress Page and Robin.
Mrs. Page.
Nay, keep your way, little gallant;
you were wont to be a follower, but now you are a
leader: Whether had you rather, lead mine eyes, or
eye your master's heels?
Rob.
I had rather, forsooth, go before you like a
man, than follow him like a dwarf.
Mrs. Page.
O, you are a flattering boy; now, I
see, you'll be a courtier.
Enter Ford.
Ford.
Well met, mistress Page: Whither go you?
Mrs. Page.
Truly, sir, to see your wife; Is she at
home?
Ford.
Ay; and as idle as she may hang together,
-- 302 --
for want of company: I think, if your husbands
were dead, you two would marry.
Mrs. Page.
Be sure of that,—two other husbands.
Ford.
Where had you this pretty weather-cock?
Mrs. Page.
I cannot tell what the dickens his name
is my husband had him of: What do you call your
knight's name, sirrah?
Rob.
Sir John Falstaff.
Ford.
Sir John Falstaff!
Mrs. Page.
He, he; I can never hit on's name.
There is such a league between my good man and he!
—Is your wife at home, indeed?
Ford.
Indeed, she is.
Mrs. Page.
By your leave, sir;—I am sick, 'till I
see her.
[Exeunt Mrs. Page and Robin.
Ford.
Has Page any brains? hath he any eyes?
hath he any thinking? sure they sleep; he hath no
use of them. Why, this boy will carry a letter twenty
miles, as easy as a cannon will shoot point-blank twelve
score. He pieces-out his wife's inclination; he gives
her folly motion, and advantage: and now she's going
to my wife, and Falstaff's boy with her. A man
may hear this shower sing in the wind!—and Falstaff's
boy with her!—Good plots!—they are laid; and
our revolted wives share damnation together. Well;
I will take him, then torture my wife, pluck the
borrow'd veil of modesty from the so seeming mistress
Page7note
, divulge Page himself for a secure and wilful
Actæon; and to these violent proceedings all my
neighbours shall cry aim8note. The clock gives me my
cue, and my assurance bids me search; there I shall
-- 303 --
find Falstaff: I shall be rather prais'd for this, than
mock'd; for it is as positive as the earth is firm, that
Falstaff is there: I will go.
Enter Page, Shallow, Slender, Host, Evans, and Caius.
Shal. Page. &c.
Well met, master Ford.
Ford.
Trust me, a good knot: I have good cheer
at home; and, I pray you, all go with me.
Shal.
I must excuse myself, master Ford.
Slen.
And so must I, sir; we have appointed to
dine with mistress Anne, and I would not break with
her for more money than I'll speak of.
We have linger'd about a match between
Anne Page and my cousin Slender, and this day we
shall have our answer.
Slen.
I hope, I have your good will, father Page.
Page.
You have, master Slender; I stand wholly
for you:—but my wife, master doctor, is for you altogether.
Caius.
Ay, by gar; and de maid is love-a me; my
nursh-a Quickly tell me so mush.
Host.
What say you to young master Fenton? he
capers, he dances, he has eyes of youth, 1notehe writes
verses, he speaks holy-day2note, he smells April and May:
Not by my consent, I premise you. The
gentleman is 4note
of no having: he kept company with
the wild prince and Poins; he is of too high a region,
he knows too much. No, he shall not knit a
knot in his fortunes with the finge ro my substance:
if he take her, let him take her simply; the wealth
I have waits on my consent, and my consent goes not
that way.
Ford.
I beseech you, heartily, some of you go home
with me to dinner: besides your cheer, you shall have
sport; I will shew you a monster. —Master doctor,
-- 305 --
you shall go;—so shall you, master Page;—and you,
Sir Hugh.
Shal.
Well, fare you well:—we shall have the freer
wooing at master Page's.
Farewell, my hearts: I will to my honest
knight Falstaff, and drink canary with him.
Ford.
[Aside.]I think, I shall drink in pipe-wine
first with him; I'll make him dance. Will you go,
gentles?
All.
Have with you, to see this monster.
[Exeunt.SCENE III.Ford's house.Enter Mrs. Ford, Mrs. Page, and servants with a basket.
Mrs. Ford.
What, John! what, Robert!
Mrs. Page.
Quickly, quickly; is the buck-basket—
Mrs. Ford.
I warrant:—What, Robin, I say.
Mrs. Page.
Come, come, come.
Mrs. Ford.
Here, set it down.
Mrs. Page.
Give your men the charge; we must
be brief.
-- 306 --
Mrs. Ford.
Marry, as I told you before, John, and
Robert, be ready here hard by in the brew-house;
and when I suddenly call on you, come forth, and
(without any pause, or staggering) take this basket on
your shoulders6note
: that done, trudge with it in all haste,
and carry it among the whitsters in Datchet mead,
and there empty it in the muddy ditch, close by the
Thames side.
Mrs. Page.
You will do it?
Mrs. Ford.
I have told them over and over; they
lack no direction: Be gone, and come when you are
call'd.
Ay, I'll be sworn: My master knows not of
your being here; and hath threaten'd to put me into
everlasting liberty, if I tell you of it; for, he swears,
he'll turn me away.
Mrs. Page.
Thou'rt a good boy; this secrecy of
thine shall be a tailor to thee, and shall make thee a
new doublet and hose.—I'll go hide me.
Mrs. Ford.
Do so:—Go tell thy master, I am alone.
Mistress Page, remember you your cue.
[Exit Robin.
-- 308 --
Mrs. Page.
I warrant thee; if I do not act it, hiss
me.
[Exit Mrs. Page.
Mrs. Ford.
Go to then;—we'll use this unwholsome
humidity, this gross watry pumpion;—we'll
teach him to know turtles from jays9note
.
Enter Falstaff.
Fal.
Have I caught thee, my heavenly jewel1note? Why,
now let me die, for I have liv'd long enough2note; this
is the period of my ambition: O this blessed hour!
Mrs. Ford.
O sweet sir John!
Fal.
Mistress Ford, I cannot cog, I cannot prate,
mistress Ford. Now shall I sin in my wish: I would
thy husband were dead; I'll speak it before the best
lord, I would make thee my lady.
Mrs. Ford.
I your lady, sir John! alas, I should
be a pitiful lady.
Fal.
Let the court of France shew me such another;
I see how thine eye would emulate the diamond: Thou
hast the right arched bent3note of the brow, 4note
that becomes
the ship-tire, the tire-valiant, or any tire of
Venetian admittance.
-- 309 --
Mrs. Ford.
A plain kerchief, sir John: my brows
become nothing else; nor that well neither.
-- 310 --
Fal.
Thou art a traitor5note to say so9Q0134: thou would'st
make an absolute courtier; and the firm fixture of thy
foot would give an excellent motion to thy gait, in a
semi-circled farthingale. I see what thou wert, if fortune
thy foe were not9Q01359Q0136; nature is thy friend: Come,
thou canst not hide it.
Mrs. Ford.
Believe me, there's no such thing in
me.
Fal.
What made me love thee? let that persuade
thee, there's something extraordinary in thee. Come,
I cannot cog, and say, thou art this and that, like a
many of these lisping haw-thorn buds, that come like
women in men's apparel, and smell like Bucklers-bury6notein simple-time9Q0137; I cannot: but I love thee; none
but thee; and thou deservest it.
Mrs. Ford.
Do not betray me, sir; I fear, you
love mistress Page.
Fal.
Thou might'st as well say, I love to walk by
the Counter-gate; which is as hateful to me as the
reek of a lime-kiln.
-- 311 --
Mrs. Ford.
Well, heaven knows how I love you;
and you shall one day find it.
Fal.
Keep in that mind; I'll deserve it.
Mrs. Ford.
Nay, I must tell you, so you do; or
else I could not be in that mind.
Rob. [Within.]
Mistress Ford, mistress Ford! here's
mistress Page at the door, sweating, and blowing, and
looking wildly, and would needs speak with you presently.
Fal.
She shall not see me; I will ensconce me behind
the arras.
Mrs. Ford.
Pray you, do so; she's a very tattling
woman.—
[Falstaff hides himself.Enter Mistress Page.
What's the matter? how now?
Mrs. Page.
O mistress Ford, what have you done?
you're sham'd, you are overthrown, you are undone
for ever.
Mrs. Ford.
What's the matter, good mistress Page?
Mrs. Page.
O well-a-day, mistress Ford! having an
honest man to your husband, to give him such cause
of suspicion!
Mrs. Ford.
What cause of suspicion?
Mrs. Page.
What cause of suspicion?—Out upon
you!—how am I mistook in you?
Mrs. Ford.
Why, alas! what's the matter?
Mrs. Page.
Your husband's coming hither, woman,
with all the officers in Windsor, to search for a gentleman,
that, he says, is here now in the house, by your
consent, to take an ill advantage of his absence: You
are undone.
Pray heaven it be not so, that you have
such a man here; but 'tis most certain your husband's
coming with half Windsor at his heels, to search for
such a one. I come before to tell you: If you know
yourself clear, why I am glad of it: but if you have
a friend here, convey, convey him out. Be not amaz'd;
call all your senses to you; defend your reputation, or
bid farewell to your good life for ever.
Mrs. Ford.
What shall I do?—There is a gentleman,
my dear friend; and I fear not mine own shame, so
much as his peril: I had rather than a thousand pound,
he were out of the house.
Mrs. Page.
For shame, never stand you had rather,
and you had rather; your husband's here at hand, bethink
you of some conveyance: in the house you
cannot hide him.—Oh, how have you deceived me!—
Look, here is a basket; if he be of any reasonable
stature, he may creep in here; and throw foul linen
upon him, as if it were going to bucking: Or, it is
whiting-time, send him by your two men to Datchet
mead.
Mrs. Ford.
He's too big to go in there: What shall
I do?
Re-enter Falstaff.
Fal.
Let me see't, let me see't! O let me see't! I'll
in, I'll in;—follow your friend's counsel;—I'll in.
Mrs. Page.
What! sir John Falstaff? Are these
your letters, knight?
Fal.
I love thee,—help me away: let me creep in
here; I'll never—
[He goes into the basket, they cover him with foul linen.
Mrs. Page.
Help to cover your master, boy: Call
your men, mistress Ford:—You dissembling knight!
Mrs. Ford.
What, John, Robert, John! Go take
up these clothes here, quickly; Where's the cowlstaff?
how you drumble:9Q0138 carry them to the
laundress in Datchet mead; quickly, come.
Enter Ford, Page, Caius, and Sir Hugh Evans.
Ford.
Pray you, come near: if I suspect without
cause, why then make sport at me, then let me be
your jest, I deserve it.—How now? whither bear you
this?
Serv.
To the laundress, forsooth.
Mrs. Ford.
Why, what have you to do whither they
bear it? you were best meddle with buck-washing.
Ford.
Buck? I would I could wash myself of the
buck! Buck, buck, buck? Ay, buck; I warrant you,
buck; and of the season too, it shall appear.9Q0139[Exeunt
Servants with the basket.] Gentlemen, I have dream'd
to-night; I'll tell you my dream. Here, here, here
be my keys: ascend my chambers, search, seek, find
out: I'll warrant, we'll unkennel the fox:—Let me
stop this way first:—9note
So, now uncape.
-- 314 --
Page.
Good master Ford, be contented: you wrong
yourself too much.
Ford.
True, master Page.—Up, gentlemen; you
shall see sport anon: follow me, gentlemen.
[Exit.
Eva.
This is fery fantastical humours, and jealousies.
Caius.
By gar, 'tis no de fashion of France: it is
not jealous in France.
Page.
Nay, follow him, gentlemen; see the issue
of his search.
[Exeunt.
Mrs. Page.
Is there not a double excellency in this?
Mrs. Ford.
I know not which pleases me better,
that my husband is deceiv'd, or Sir John.
Mrs. Page.
What a taking was he in, when your
husband ask'd who was in the basket!
Mrs. Ford.
I am half afraid, he will have need of
washing; so throwing him into the water will do him
a benefit.
Mrs. Page.
Hang him, dishonest rascal! I would,
all of the same strain were in the same distress.
Mrs. Ford.
I think, my husband hath some special
suspicion of Falstaff's being here; for I never saw
him so gross in his jealousy till now.
Mrs. Page.
I will lay a plot to try that: And we
will yet have more tricks with Falstaff: his dissolute
disease will scarce obey this medicine.
Mrs. Ford.
Shall we send that foolish carrion, mistress
Quickly, to him, and excuse his throwing into
the water; and give him another hope, to betray him
to another punishment?
Mrs. Page.
We'll do it; let him be sent for to-morrow
eight o'clock, to have amends.
Re-enter Ford, Page, and the rest at a distance.
Ford.
I cannot find him: may be the knave brag'd
of that he could not compass.
-- 315 --
Mrs. Page.
Heard you that?
Mrs. Ford.
I, I; peace:—You use me well,
master Ford, do you?
Ford.
Ay, I do so.
Mrs. Ford.
Heaven make you better than your
thoughts!
Ford.
Amen.
Mrs. Page.
You do yourself mighty wrong, master
Ford.
Ford.
Ay, ay; I must bear it.
Eva.
If there be any pody in the house, and in the
chambers, and in the coffers, and in the presses, heaven
forgive my sins at the day of judgment!
Caius.
By gar, nor I too; dere is no bodies.
Page.
Fie, fie, master Ford! are you not asham'd?
what spirit, what devil suggests this imagination? I
would not have your distemper in this kind, for the
wealth of Windsor Castle.
Ford.
'Tis my fault, master Page: I suffer for it.
Eva.
You suffer for a pad conscience: your wife
is as honest a 'omans, as I will desires among five
thousand, and five hundred too.
Caius.
By gar, I see 'tis an honest woman.
Ford.
Well;—I promis'd you a dinner:—Come,
come, walk in the park: I pray you, pardon me; I
will hereafter make known to you, why I have done
this. Come, wife; come, mistress Page; I pray you
pardon me; pray heartily, pardon me.
Page.
Let's go in, gentlemen; but, trust me, we'll
mock him. I do invite you to-morrow morning to
my house to breakfast; after, we'll a birding together;
I have a fine hawk for the bush: shall it be so?
I pray you now, remembrance to-morrow on
the lousy knave, mine host.
Caius.
Dat is good; by gar, vit all my heart.
Eva.
A lousy knave; to have his gibes, and his
mockeries.
[Exeunt.SCENE IV.Page's house.Enter Fenton and Mistress Anne Page.
Fent.
I see, I cannot get thy father's love;
Therefore no more turn me to him, sweet Nan.
Anne.
Alas! how then?
Fent.
Why, thou must be thyself.
He doth object, I am too great of birth;
And that, my state being gall'd with my expence,
I seek to heal it only by his wealth:
Besides these, other bars he lays before me,—
My riots past, my wild societies;
And tells me, 'tis a thing impossible
I should love thee, but as a property.
Anne.
May be, he tells you true.
Fent.
No, heaven so speed me in my time to come!
Albeit, I will confess, thy 2notefather's wealth
-- 317 --
Was the first motive that I woo'd thee, Anne:
Yet, wooing thee, I found thee of more value
Than stamps in gold, or sums in sealed bags;
And 'tis the very riches of thyself
That now I aim at.
Anne.
Gentle master Fenton,
Yet seek my father's love; still seek it, sir:
3note
If opportunity and humblest suit
Cannot attain it, why then,—Hark you hither. [Fenton and Mistress Anne go apart.Enter Shallow, Slender, and Mrs. Quickly.
Shal.
Break their talk, mistress Quickly; my kinsman
shall speak for himself.
Slen.
I'll make a shaft or a bolt on't: 'slid, 'tis but
venturing.
Shal.
Be not dismay'd.
Slen.
No, she shall not dismay me: I care not for
that,—but that I am afeard.
Quic.
Hark ye; master Slender would speak a word
with you.
Anne.
I come to him.—This is my father's choice.
O, what a world of vile ill-favour'd faults
Look handsome in three hundred pounds a year! [Aside.
Quic.
And how does good master Fenton? Pray
you, a word with you.
Shal.
She's coming; to her, coz. O boy, thou
hadst a father!
-- 318 --
Slen.
I had a father, mistress Anne;—my uncle
can tell you good jests of him:—Pray you, uncle,
tell mistress Anne the jest, how my father stole two
geese out of a pen, good uncle.
Shal.
Mistress Anne, my cousin loves you.
Slen.
Ay, that I do; as well as I love any woman
in Glocestershire.
come cut and long-tail,9Q0141 under
the degree of a 'squire.
Shal.
He will make you a hundred and fifty pounds
jointure.
Anne.
Good master Shallow, let him woo for himself.
Shal.
Marry, I thank you for it; I thank you for
that—good comfort. She calls you, coz: I'll leave you.
Anne.
Now, master Slender.
Slen.
Now, good mistress Anne.
Anne.
What is your will?
Slen.
My will? od's heartlings, that's a pretty jest,
indeed! I ne'er made my will yet, I thank heaven;
I am not such a sickly creature, I give heaven praise.
Anne.
I mean, master Slender, what would you
with me?
Slen.
Truly, for mine own part, I would little or
nothing with you: Your father, and my uncle, have
-- 319 --
made motions: if it be my luck, so; if not, happy
man be his dole5note! They can tell you how things go,
better than I can: You may ask your father; here
he comes.
Enter Page, and Mistress Page.
Page.
Now, master Slender:—Love him, daughter Anne.—
Why how now! what does master Fenton here?
You wrong me, sir, thus still to haunt my house:
I told you, sir, my daughter is dispos'd of.
Fent.
Nay, master Page, be not impatient.
Mrs. Page.
Good master Fenton, come not to my child.
Page.
She is no match for you.
Fent.
Sir, will you hear me?
Page.
No, good master Fenton.
Come, master Shallow;—come, son Slender; in:—
Knowing my mind, you wrong me, master Fenton. [Exeunt Page, Shallow, and Slender.
Quic.
Speak to mistress Page.
Fent.
Good mistress Page, for that I love your daughter
In such a righteous fashion as I do,
Perforce, against all checks, rebukes, and manners,
I must advance the colours of my love,
And not retire: Let me have your good will.
Anne.
Good mother, do not marry me to yon' fool.
Mrs. Page.
I mean it not; I seek you a better husband.
Anne.
Alas, I had rather be set quick i' the earth,
And bowl'd to death with turnips.
-- 320 --
Mrs. Page.
Come, trouble not yourself: Good master Fenton,
I will not be your friend nor enemy:
My daughter will I question how she loves you,
And as I find her, so am I affected;
'Till then, farewell, sir:—She must needs go in;
Her father will be angry. [Exe. Mrs. Page and Anne.
Fent.
Farewell, gentle mistress; farewell, Nan.
Quic.
This is my doing now;—Nay, said I, will
you cast away your child on a 7note
fool, and a physician?
Look on master Fenton:—this is my doing.
Fent.
I thank thee; and I pray thee, once to-night8notegive my sweet Nan this ring: There's for thy pains.
[Exit.
-- 321 --
Quic.
Now heaven send thee good fortune! A kind
heart he hath: a woman would run through fire and
water for such a kind heart. But yet, I would my
master had mistress Anne; or I would master Slender
had her; or, in sooth, I would master Fenton had
her: I will do what I can for them all three; for so
I have promis'd, and I'll be as good as my word;
but speciously9note for master Fenton. Well, I must of
another errand to Sir John Falstaff from my two mistresses;
What a beast am I to slack it?
[Exit.SCENE V.The Garter inn.Enter Falstaff and Bardolph.
Fal.
Bardolph, I say.—
Bard.
Here, sir.
Fal.
Go fetch me a quart of sack; put a toast in't.
[Ex. Bard.] Have I liv'd to be carried in a basket, like
a barrow of butcher's offal; and to be thrown into the
Thames? Well; if I be serv'd such another trick, I'll
have my brains ta'en out, and butter'd, and give them
to a dog for a new year's gift. The rogues slighted
me into the river with as little remorse 1note
as they would
have drown'd a bitch's blind puppies, fifteen i' the
-- 322 --
litter: and you may know by my size, that I have a
kind of alacrity in sinking; if the bottom were as
deep as hell, I should down. I had been drown'd,
but that the shore was shelvy and shallow; a death
that I abhor; for the water swells a man; and what
a thing should I have been, when I had been swell'd!
I should have been a mountain of mummy.
Re-enter Bardolph, with the wine.
Now, is the sack brew'd?
Bard.
Ay, sir: there's a woman below would speak
with you.
Fal.
Come, let me pour in some sack to the Thames
water; for my belly's as cold, as if I had swallow'd
snow-balls for pills to cool the reins. Call her in.
Bard.
Come in, woman.
Enter Mrs. Quickly.
Quic.
By your leave;—I cry you mercy:—Give
your worship good morrow.
Fal.
Take away these chalices: Go brew me a pottle
of sack finely.
Bard.
With eggs, sir?
Fal.
Simple of itself; I'll no pullet-sperm in my
brewage.—How now?
Quic.
Marry, sir, I come to your worship from
mistress Ford.
Fal.
Mistress Ford! I have had ford enough: I
was thrown into the ford; I have my belly full of
ford.
Quic.
Alas the day! good heart, that was not her
fault: she does so take on with her men; they mistook
their erection.
Fal.
So did I mine, to build upon a foolish woman's
promise.
Quic.
Well, she laments, sir, for it, that it would
yern your heart to see it. Her husband goes this morning
a birding; she desires you once more to come to
-- 323 --
her between eight and nine: I must carry her word
quickly: she'll make you amends, I warrant you.
Fal.
Well, I will visit her: Tell her so; and bid
her think, what a man is: let her consider his frailty,
and then judge of my merit.
Quic.
I will tell her.
Fal.
Do so. Between nine and ten, say'st thou?
Quic.
Eight and nine, sir.
Fal.
Well, be gone: I will not miss her.
Quic.
Peace be with you, sir!
[Exit.
Fal.
I marvel, I hear not of master Brook; he sent
me word to stay within: I like his money well. Oh,
here he comes.
Enter Ford.
Ford.
Bless you, sir!
Fal.
Now, master Brook? you come to know what
hath pass'd between me and Ford's wife?
Ford.
That, indeed, sir John, is my business.
Fal.
Master Brook, I will not lie to you; I was at
her house the hour she appointed me.
Ford.
And you sped, sir?
Fal.
Very ill-favour'dly, master Brook.
Ford.
How, sir? Did she change her determination?
Fal.
No, master Brook: but the peaking cornuto
her husband, master Brook, dwelling in a continual
'larum of jealousy, comes me in the instant of our
encounter, after we had embrac'd, kiss'd, protested,
and, as it were, spoke the prologue of our comedy;
and at his heels a rabble of his companions, thither
provok'd and instigated by his distemper, and forsooth,
to search his house for his wife's love.
Ford.
What, while you were there?
Fal.
While I was there.
Ford.
And did he search for you, and could not
find you?
Fal.
You shall hear. As good luck would have it,
comes in one mistress Page; gives intelligence of
-- 324 --
Ford's approach; and, by her invention, and Ford's
wife's distraction, they convey'd me into a buck-basket.
Ford.
A buck-basket!
Fal.
Yea, a buck-basket: ramm'd me in with foul
shirts and smocks, socks, foul stockings, and greasy
napkins; that, master Brook, there was the rankest
compound of villanous smell, that ever offended
nostril.
Ford.
And how long lay you there?
Fal.
Nay, you shall hear, master Brook, what I have
suffer'd to bring this woman to evil for your good.
Being thus cramm'd in the basket, a couple of Ford's
knaves, his hinds, were call'd forth by their mistress,
to carry me in the name of foul cloaths to Datchet-lane:
they took me on their shoulders; met the jealous
knave their master in the door; who ask'd them
once or twice, what they had in their basket: I quak'd
for fear, least the lunatic knave would have search'd
it; but fate, ordaining he should be a cuckold, held
his hand. Well; on went he for a search, and away
went I for foul cloaths. But mark the sequel, master
Brook: I suffer'd the pangs of three 2noteseveral deaths:
first, an intolerable fright, to be detected with3note
a jealous
rotten bell-weather: next, to be compass'd, like
a good 4note
bilbo, in the circumference of a peck, hilt
to point, heel to head: and then, to be stopp'd in,
like a strong distillation, with stinking cloaths that
fretted in their own grease: think of that,—a man
-- 325 --
of my 5notekidney—think of that; that am as subject to
heat, as butter; a man of continual dissolution and
thaw; it was a miracle, to 'scape suffocation. And in
the height of this bath, when I was more than half
stew'd in grease, like a Dutch dish, to be thrown into
the Thames, and cool'd, glowing hot, in that surge,
like a horse-shoe; think of that—hissing hot—think
of that, master Brook.
Ford.
In good sadness, sir, I am sorry that for my
sake you have suffer'd all this. My suit is then desperate;
you'll undertake her no more?
Fal.
Master Brook, I will be thrown into Ætna, as
I have been into Thames, ere I will leave her thus.
Her husband is this morning gone a birding: I have
receiv'd from her another embassy of meeting; 'twixt
eight and nine is the hour, master Brook.
Ford.
'Tis past eight already, sir.
Fal.
Is it? I will then address me6note
to my appointment.
Come to me at your convenient leisure, and
you shall know how I speed; and the conclusion shall
be crown'd with your enjoying her: Adieu. You shall
have her, master Brook; master Brook, you shall
cuckold Ford.
[Exit.
Ford.
Hum! ha! is this a vision? is this a dream?
do I sleep? master Ford, awake; awake, master Ford;
there's a hole made in your best coat, master Ford.
This 'tis to be married! this 'tis to have linen, and
buck-baskets!—Well, I will proclaim myself what I
am: I will now take the lecher; he is at my house:
he cannot 'scape me; 'tis impossible he should; he
cannot creep into a half-penny purse, nor into a pepper-box:
but, lest the devil that guides him should
-- 326 --
aid him, I will search impossible places. Though
what I am I cannot avoid, yet to be what I would
not, shall not make me tame: if I have horns to
make one mad, let the proverb go with me, 7noteI'll be
horn-mad.
SCENE I.Page's house.Enter Mrs. Page, Mrs. Quickly, and William.
Mrs. Page.
Is he at master Ford's already, think'st
thou?
Quic.
Sure, he is by this; or will be presently:
but truly, he is very courageous mad, about his throwing
into the water. Mistress Ford desires you to come
suddenly.
Mrs. Page.
I'll be with her by and by; I'll but
-- 327 --
bring my young man here to school: Look, where
his master comes; 'tis a playing-day, I see.
Enter Sir Hugh Evans.
How now, sir Hugh? no school to-day?
Eva.
No; master Slender is let the boys leave to
play.
Quic.
Blessing of his heart!
Mrs. Page.
Sir Hugh, my husband says, my son
profits nothing in the world at his book; I pray you,
ask him some questions in his accidence.
Eva.
Come hither, William;—hold up your head;
come.
Mrs. Page.
Come on, sirrah; hold up your head;
answer your master, be not afraid.
Eva.
William, how many numbers is in nouns?
Will.
Two.
Quic.
Truly I thought there had been one number
more; because they say, od's nouns.
Eva.
Peace your tatlings. What is fair, William?
Will.
Pulcher.
Quic.
Poulcats! there are fairer things than poulcats,
sure.
Eva.
You are a very simplicity 'oman; I pray you,
peace. What is Lapis, William?
Will.
A stone.
Eva.
And what is a stone, William?
Will.
A pebble.
Eva.
No, it is Lapis; I pray you, remember in
your prain.
Will.
Lapis.
Eva.
That is a good William: What is he, William,
that does lend articles?
Will.
Articles are borrow'd of the pronoun; and
be thus declin'd, Singulariter, nominativo, hic, hæc, hoc.
Eva.
Nominativo, hig, hag, hog;—pray you, mark:
genitivo, hujus: Well, what is your accusative case?
Will.
Accusative, hinc.
-- 328 --
Eva.
I pray you, have your remembrance, child;
Accusativo, hung, hang, hog.
Quic.
Hang hog is Latin for bacon, I warrant you.
Eva.
Leave your prabbles, 'oman. What is the
focative case, William?
'Vengeance of Giney's case! fie on her!—never
name her, child, if she be a whore.
Eva.
For shame, 'oman.
Quic.
You do ill to teach the child such words: he
teaches him to hick and to hack, which they'll do fast
enough of themselves; and to call horum:—fie upon
you!
Eva.
'Oman art thou lunatics? hast thou no understanding
for thy cases, and the numbers of the
genders? thou art a foolish christian creatures, as I
would desires.
Mrs. Page.
Pr'ythee, hold thy peace.
Eva.
Shew me now, William, some declensions of
your pronouns.
your kæs, and your cods, you must be preeches2note
. Go
your ways and play, go.
Mrs. Page.
He is a better scholar, than I thought
he was.
Eva.
He is a good sprag3note memory. Farewell,
mistress Page.
Mrs. Page.
Adieu, good sir Hugh. Get you home,
boy.—Come, we stay too long.
[Exeunt.SCENE II.Ford's house.Enter Falstaff and Mrs. Ford.
Fal.
Mistress Ford, your sorrow hath eaten up my
sufferance: I see, you are obsequious in your love,
and I profess requital to a hair's breadth; not only,
mistress Ford, in the simple office of love, but in all
the accoutrement, complement, and ceremony of it.
But are you sure of your husband now?
Mrs. Ford.
He's a birding, sweet sir John.
Mrs. Page. [Within.]
What hoa, gossip Ford!
what hoa!
Mrs. Ford.
Step into the chamber, sir John.
[Exit Falstaff.Enter Mrs. Page.
Mrs. Page.
How now, sweetheart? who's at home
besides yourself?
-- 330 --
Mrs. Ford.
Why, none but mine own people.
Mrs. Page.
Indeed?
Mrs. Ford.
No, certainly—Speak louder.
[Aside.
Mrs. Page.
Truly, I am so glad you have nobody
here.
Mrs. Ford.
Why?
Mrs. Page.
Why, woman, your husband is in his
old lunes4note again: 5notehe so takes on yonder with my
husband; so rails against all married mankind; so
curses all Eve's daughters, of what complexion soever;
and so buffets himself on the forehead, crying,
6notePeer-out, peer-out!9Q0143 that any madness, I ever yet beheld,
seem'd but tameness, civility, and patience, to
this distemper he is in now: I am glad the fat knight
is not here.
Mrs. Ford.
Why, does he talk of him?
Mrs. Page.
Of none but him; and swears, he was
carried out, the last time he search'd for him, in a
basket: protests to my husband, he is now here; and
hath drawn him and the rest of their company from
their sport, to make another experiment of his suspicion:
but I am glad the knight is not here; now he
shall see his own foolery.
Mrs. Ford.
How near is he, mistress Page.
Mrs. Page.
Hard by; at street end; he will be here
anon.
Mrs. Ford.
I am undone!—the knight is here.
Mrs. Page.
Why, then thou art utterly sham'd, and
he's but a dead man. What a woman are you?—
Away with him, away with him; better shame than
murther.
-- 231 --
Mrs. Ford.
Which way should he go? how should
I bestow him? Shall I put him into the basket again?
Enter Falstaff.
Fal.
No, I'll come no more i' the basket: May I
not go out, ere he come?
Mrs. Page.
Alas, three of master Ford's brothers
watch the door with pistols, that none should issue
out; otherwise you might slip away ere he came.—
But what make you here?9Q0144
Fal.
What shall I do? I'll creep up into the chimney.
Mrs. Ford.
There they always use to discharge their
birding-pieces: creep into the kiln-hole.
Fal.
Where is it?
Mrs. Ford.
He will seek there on my word. Neither
press, coffer, chest, trunk, well, vault, but he
hath an abstract7note9Q0145 for the remembrance of such places,
and goes to them by his note: There is no hiding you
in the house.
Fal.
I'll go out then.
Mrs. Ford.
If you go out in your own semblance,
you die, sir John; unless you go out disguis'd—
How might we disguise him?
Mrs. Page.
Alas the day, I know not. There is
no woman's gown big enough for him; otherwise, he
might put on a hat, a muffler, and a kerchief, and
so escape.
Fal.
Good hearts, devise something: any extremity,
rather than a mischief.
Mrs. Ford.
My maid's aunt, the fat woman of
Brentford, has a gown above.
Mrs. Page.
On my word, it will serve him; she's
as big as he is: and there's her thrum hat, and her
muffler too8note
: Run up, sir John.
-- 332 --
Mrs. Ford.
Go, go, sweet sir John: mistress Page,
and I, will look some linen for your head.
Mrs. Page.
Quick, quick; we'll come dress you
straight: put on the gown the while.
[Exit Falstaff.
Mrs. Ford.
I would, my husband would meet him
in this shape: he cannot abide the old woman of Brentford;
he swears, she's a witch; forbade her my house,
and hath threatened to beat her.
Mrs. Page.
Heaven guide him to thy husband's
cudgel; and the devil guide his cudgel afterwards!
Mrs. Ford.
But is my husband coming?
Mrs. Page.
Ay, in good sadness, is he; and talks
of the basket too, howsoever he hath had intelligence.
Mrs. Ford.
We'll try that; for I'll appoint my men
to carry the basket again, to meet him at the door
with it, as they did last time.
Mrs. Page.
Nay, but he'll be here presently: let's
go dress him like the witch of Brentford.
Mrs. Ford.
I'll first direct my men what they shall
do with the basket. Go up, I'll bring linen for him
straight.
Mrs. Page.
Hang him, dishonest varlet! we cannot
misuse him enough.
We'll leave a proof, by that which we will do,
Wives may be merry, and yet honest too:
We do not act, that often jest and laugh;
'Tis old but true, Still swine eat all the draugh.
-- 333 --
Mrs. Ford.
Go, sirs, take the basket again on your
shoulders; your master is hard at door; if he bid you
set it down, obey him: quickly, dispatch.
[Exeunt Mrs. Page and Mrs. Ford.Enter Servants with the basket.
1 Serv.
Come, come, take up.
2 Serv.
Pray heaven, it be not full of the knight
again.
1 Serv.
I hope not; I had as lief bear so much
lead.
Enter Ford, Shallow, Page, Caius, and Sir Hugh Evans.
Ford.
Ay, but if it prove true, master Page, have
you any way then to unfool me again?—Set down the
basket, villain:—Somebody call my wife:—Youth in
a basket9Q0146!—Oh, you panderly rascals! there's a knot,
a gang, a pack, a conspiracy, against me: Now shall
the devil be sham'd. What! wife, I say! come,
come forth; behold what honest cloaths you send
forth to bleaching.
! Master Ford, you are not
to go loose any longer; you must be pinion'd.
Eva.
Why, this is lunatics! this is mad as a mad
dog!
Shal.
Indeed, master Ford, this is not well; indeed.
-- 334 --
Enter Mrs. Ford.
Ford.
So say I too, sir.—Come hither, mistress
Ford;—mistress Ford, the honest woman, the modest
wife, the virtuous creature, that hath the jealous fool
to her husband!—I suspect without cause, mistress,
do I?
Mrs. Ford.
Heaven be my witness, you do, if you
suspect me in any dishonesty.
Ford.
Well said, brazen-face; hold it out.—Come
forth, sirrah.
[Pulls the cloaths out of the basket.
Page.
This passes.
Mrs. Ford.
Are you not asham'd? let the cloaths
alone.
Ford.
I shall find you anon.
Eva.
'Tis unreasonable! Will you take up your
wife's cloaths? come away.
Ford.
Empty the basket, I say.
Mrs. Ford.
Why, man, why,—
Ford.
Master Page, as I am a man, there was none
convey'd out of my house yesterday in this basket;
Why may not he be there again? In my house I am
sure he is: my intelligence is true; my jealousy is
reasonable: Pluck me out all the linen.
Mrs. Ford.
If you find a man there, he shall die a
flea's death.
Page.
Here's no man.
Shal.
By my fidelity, this is not well, master Ford;
1note
this wrongs you.
Eva.
Master Ford, you must pray, and not follow
the imaginations of your own heart: this is jealousies.
Ford.
Well, he's not here I seek for.
-- 335 --
Page.
No, nor no where else but in your brain.
Ford.
Help to search my house this one time: if I
find not what I seek, shew no colour for my extremity,
let me for ever be your table-sport; let them
say of me, As jealous as Ford, that search'd a hollow
wall-nut for his wife's leman2note. Satisfy me once more,
once more search with me.
Mrs. Ford.
What hoa, mistress Page! come you,
and the old woman down; my husband will come
into the chamber.
Ford.
Old woman! what old woman's that?
Mrs. Ford.
Why, it is my maid's aunt of Brentford.
Ford.
A witch, a quean, an old cozening quean!
Have I not forbid her my house? She comes of errands,
does she? We are simple men; we do not
know what's brought to pass under the profession of
fortune-telling. She works by charms3note, by spells, by
the figure, and such daubery4note as this is: beyond our
element: we know nothing.—Come down, you
witch; you hag you, come down, I say.
Mrs. Ford.
Nay, good, sweet husband;—good gentlemen,
let him not strike the old woman.
Enter Falstaff in women's cloaths, led by Mrs. Page.
Mrs. Page.
Come, mother Prat, come, give me
your hand.
Ford.
I'll prat her:—Out of my doors, you witch!
[Beats him.] you hag, you baggage, you poulcat,
Will you follow, gentlemen? I beseech you,
follow; see but the issue of my jealousy: if I 8note
cry
out thus upon no trail, never trust me when I open
again.
-- 337 --
Page.
Let's obey his humour a little further: Come,
gentlemen.
[Exeunt.
Mrs. Page.
Trust me, he beat him most pitifully.
Mrs. Ford.
Nay, by the mass, that he did not; he
beat him most unpitifully, methought.
Mrs. Page.
I'll have the cudgel hallow'd, and hung
o'er the altar; it hath done meritorious service.
Mrs. Ford.
What think you? may we, with the
warrant of woman-hood, and the witness of a good
conscience, pursue him with any further revenge?
Mrs. Page.
The spirit of wantonness is, sure, scar'd
out of him; if the devil have him not in fee-simple,
with fine and recovery, he will never, I think, in the
way of waste, attempt us again9note.
Mrs. Ford.
Shall we tell our husbands how we have
served him?
Mrs. Page.
Yea, by all means; if it be but to
scrape the figures out of your husband's brains. If
they can find in their hearts, the poor unvirtuous fat
knight shall be any further afflicted, we two will be
still the ministers.
Mrs. Ford.
I'll warrant, they'll have him publickly
sham'd: and, methinks, there would be no period1note to
the jest, should he not be publickly sham'd.
Mrs. Page.
Come, to the forge with it then, shape
it: I would not have things cool.
[Exeunt.
-- 338 --
SCENE III.The Garter inn.Enter Host and Bardolph.
Bard.
Sir, the Germans desire to have three of
your horses: the duke himself will be to-morrow at
court, and they are going to meet him.
Host.
What duke should that be, comes so secretly?
I hear not of him in the court: let me speak with the
gentlemen; they speak English?
Bard.
Sir, I'll call them to you.
Host.
They shall have my horses; but I'll make
them pay, I'll sauce them: they have had my houses
a week at command; I have turn'd away my other
guests: 2note
they must come off; I'll sauce them; come.
[Exeunt.
-- 339 --
SCENE IV.Ford's house.Enter Page, Ford, Mrs. Page, Mrs. Ford, and Sir Hugh Evans.
Eva.
'Tis one of the best discretions of a 'omans
as ever I did look upon.
Page.
And did he send you both these letters at an
instant?
Mrs. Page.
Within a quarter of an hour.
Ford.
Pardon me, wife: Henceforth do what thou wilt;
3note
I rather will suspect the sun with cold,
-- 340 --
Than thee with wantonness: now doth thy honour stand,
In him that was of late an heretick,
As firm as faith.
Page.
'Tis well, 'tis well; no more.
Be not as extreme in submission,
As in offence;
But let our plot go forward: let our wives
Yet once again, to make us publick sport,
Appoint a meeting with this old fat fellow,
Where we may take him, and disgrace him for it.
Ford.
There is no better way than that they spoke of.
Page.
How! to send him word they'll meet him in the park
At midnight! fie, fie; he will never come.
Eva.
You say, he hath been thrown into the rivers;
and hath been grievously peaten, as an old 'oman: methinks,
there should be terrors in him, that he should
not come; methinks, his flesh is punish'd, he shall
have no desires.
Page.
So think I too.
Mrs. Ford.
Devise but how you'll use him when he comes,
And let us two devise to bring him hither.
Mrs. Page.
There is an old tale goes, that Herne the hunter,
Sometime a keeper here in Windsor forest,
Doth all the winter time, at still midnight,
Walk round about an oak, with great ragg'd horns;
and takes the cattle;
And makes milch-kine yield blood, and shakes a chain
In a most hideous and dreadful manner:
You have heard of such a spirit; and well you know,
The superstitious idle-headed eld5note
Receiv'd, and did deliver to our age,
This tale of Herne the hunter for a truth.
Page.
Why, yet there want not many, that do fear
In deep of night to walk by this Herne's oak:
But what of this?
Mrs. Ford.
Marry, this is our device;—
That Falstaff at that oak shall meet with us.
We'll send him word to meet us in the field,
Disguis'd like Herne, with huge horns on his head.
Page.
Well, let it not be doubted but he'll come,
And in this shape; When you have brought him thither,
-- 342 --
What shall be done with him? what is your plot?
Mrs. Page.
That likewise we have thought upon, and thus:
Nan Page my daughter, and my little son,
And three or four more of their growth, we'll dress
Like urchins7note, ouphes, and fairies, green and white,
With rounds of waxen tapers on their heads,
And rattles in their hands; upon a sudden,
As Falstaff, she, and I, are newly met,
Let them from forth a saw-pit rush at once
8note
With some diffused song9Q0148: upon their sight,
We two in great amazedness will fly:
Then let them all encircle him about,
9note
And, fairy-like, to-pinch the unclean knight;
-- 343 --
And ask him, why, that hour of fairy revel,
In their so sacred paths he dares to tread
In shape prophane?
Mrs. Ford.
And till he tell the truth,
Let the supposed fairies pinch him sound1note,
And burn him with their tapers.
Mrs. Page.
The truth being known,
We'll all present ourselves; dis-horn the spirit,
And mock him home to Windsor.
Ford.
The children must
Be practis'd well to this, or they'll ne'er do't.
Eva.
I will teach the children their behaviours; and
I will be like a jack-an-apes also, to burn the knight
with my taber.
Ford.
This will be excellent. I'll go buy them
vizards.
Mrs. Page.
My Nan shall be the queen of all the fairies,
Finely attired in a robe of white.
Page. 2noteThat silk will I go buy;—and, in that time
-- 344 --
Shall master Slender steal my Nan away,
[Aside.
And marry her at Eaton.—Go, send to Falstaff straight.
Ford.
Nay, I'll to him again in the name of Brook:
He'll tell me all his purpose. Sure, he'll come.
Mrs. Page.
Fear not you that: Go, get us properties3note
And 4note
tricking for our fairies.
Eva.
Let us about it: It is admirable pleasures, and
fery honest knaveries.
[Ex. Page, Ford, and Evans.
Mrs. Page.
Go, mistress Ford,
Send Quickly to sir John, to know his mind.
[Exit Mrs. Ford.
I'll to the doctor; he hath my good will,
And none but he, to marry with Nan Page.
That Slender, though well landed, is an ideot;
And he my husband best of all affects:
The doctor is well money'd, and his friends
Potent at court; he, none but he shall have her,
Though twenty thousand worthier come to crave her. [Exit.
Marry, sir, I come to speak with sir John
Falstaff from master Slender.
Host.
There's his chamber, his house, his castle,
his 6note
standing-bed, and truckle-bed; 'tis painted about
with the story of the prodigal, fresh and new: Go,
knock and call; he'll speak like an Anthropophaginian7noteunto thee: Knock, I say.
Simp.
There's an old woman, a fat woman gone up
into his chamber; I'll be so bold as stay, sir, 'till she
come down: I come to speak with her, indeed.
Host.
Ha! a fat woman! the knight may be robb'd:
I'll call.—Bully knight! Bully sir John! speak
-- 346 --
from thy lungs military: Art thou there? it is thine
host, thine Ephesian, calls.
Bohemian-Tartar tarries the coming
down of thy fat woman: Let her descend, bully,
let her descend; my chambers are honourable: Fie!
privacy? fie!
Enter Falstaff.
Fal.
There was, mine host, an old fat woman even
now with me; but she's gone.
Simp.
Pray you, sir, was't not the wise woman of
Brentford?
Fal.
Ay, marry was it, 9notemussel-shell; What would
you with her?
Simp.
My master, sir, master Slender sent to her,
seeing her go through the street, to know, sir, whether
one Nym, sir, that beguil'd him of a chain, had
the chain, or no.
Fal.
I spake with the old woman about it.
Simp.
And what says she, I pray, sir?
Fal.
Marry, she says, that the very same man, that
beguil'd master Slender of his chain, cozen'd him of
it.
Simp.
I would I could have spoken with the woman
-- 347 --
herself; I had other things to have spoken with
her too, from him.
Fal.
What are they? let us know.
Host.
Ay, come; quick.
Simp.
I may not conceal them, sir.
Fal.
Conceal them, or thou dy'st.
Simp.
Why, sir, they were nothing but about mistress
Anne Page; to know, if it were my master's fortune
to have her, or no.
I thank your worship: I shall make my
master glad with these tidings.
[Exit Simple.
Host.
Thou art clerkly2note
, thou art clerkly, sir John:
Was there a wise woman with thee?
Fal.
Ay, that there was, mine host; one, that
hath taught me more wit than ever I learn'd before
in my life: and I paid nothing for it neither, but was
paid for my learning3note.
Enter Bardolph.
Bard.
Out, alas, sir! cozenage! meer cozenage!
-- 348 --
Host.
Where be my horses? speak well of them,
varletto.
Bard.
Run away with the cozeners: for so soon as
I came beyond Eaton, they threw me off, from behind
one of them, in a slough of mire; and set spurs, and
away, like three German devils, three Doctor Faustus's4note.
Host.
They are gone but to meet the duke, villain:
do not say, they are fled; Germans are honest men.
Enter Sir Hugh Evans.
Eva.
Where is mine host?
Host.
What is the matter, sir?
Eva.
Have a care of your entertainments: there is
a friend of mine come to town, tells me, there is three
couzin-germans, that has cozen'd all the hosts of Readings,
of Maidenhead, of Colebrook, of horses and
money. I tell you for good will, look you: you are
wise, and full of gibes and vlouting-stogs; and 'tis
not convenient you should be cozen'd: Fare you well.
[Exit.Enter Caius.
Caius.
Vere is mine Host de Jarterre?
Host.
Here, master doctor, in perplexity, and doubtful
dilemma.
Caius.
I cannot tell vat is dat: But it is tell-a-me,
dat you make a grand preparation for a duke de Jamany:
by my trot, dere is no duke, dat the court is
know, to come: I tell you for good vill: adieu.
[Exit.
Host.
Hue and cry, villain, go! assist me, knight;
I am undone:—fly, run, hue and cry, villain! I am
undone!
[Exit.
Fal.
I would all the world might be cozen'd; for
-- 349 --
I have been cozen'd, and beaten too. If it should
come to the ear of the court, how I have been transform'd,
and how my transformation hath been wash'd
and cudgel'd, they would melt me out of my fat,
drop by drop, and liquor fishermens' boots with me;
I warrant, they would whip me with their fine wits,
till I were as crest-faln as a dry'd pear. I never
prosper'd since I foreswore myself at 5notePrimero. Well,
if my wind were but long enough to say my prayers,
I would repent.—
Enter Mistress Quickly.
Now! whence come you?
Quic.
From the two parties, forsooth.
Fal.
The devil take one party, and his dam the
other, and so they shall be both bestow'd! I have suffer'd
more for their sakes, more, than the villainous
inconstancy of man's disposition is able to bear.
Quic.
And have not they suffer'd? yes, I warrant;
speciously one of them; mistress Ford, good heart,
is beaten black and blue, that you cannot see a white
spot about her.
Fal.
What tell'st thou me of black and blue? I was
beaten myself into all the colours of the rainbow;
and I was like to be apprehended for the witch of
Brentford; but that my admirable dexterity of wit,
counterfeiting the 6note
action of an old woman, deliver'd
-- 350 --
me, the knave constable had set me i' the stocks, i' the
common stocks, for a witch.
Quic.
Sir, let me speak with you in your chamber:
you shall hear how things go; and, I warrant, to your
content. Here is a letter will say somewhat. Good
hearts, 7notewhat ado is here to bring you together! sure,
one of you does not serve heaven well, that you are
so cross'd.
Fal.
Come up into my chamber.
[Exeunt.SCENE VI.Enter Fenton and Host.
Host.
Master Fenton, talk not to me; my mind is heavy, I will give over all.
Fent.
Yet hear me speak: Assist me in my purpose,
And, as I am a gentleman, I'll give thee
A hundred pound in gold, more than your loss.
Host.
I will hear you, master Fenton; and I will,
at the least, keep your counsel.
Fent.
From time to time I have acquainted you
With the dear love I bear to fair Anne Page;
Who, mutually, hath answer'd my affection
(So far forth as herself might be her chuser)
-- 351 --
Even to my wish: I have a letter from her
Of such contents as you will wonder at;
The mirth whereof's so larded with my matter,
That neither, singly, can be manifested,
Without the shew of both: Fat sir John Falstaff
Hath a great scene; the image of the jest8note [Shewing a letter.
I'll shew you here at large.9Q0149 Hark, good mine host:
To-night at Herne's oak, just 'twixt twelve and one,
Must my sweet Nan present the fairy queen;
The purpose why, is here9note; in which disguise,
While other jests are something rank on foot1note,
Her father hath commanded her to slip
Away with Slender, and with him at Eaton
Immediately to marry: she hath consented: now, sir,
Her mother, even strong against that match2note,
And firm for doctor Caius, hath appointed
That he shall likewise shuffle her away,
While other sports are tasking of their minds3note
,
And at the deanery, where a priest attends,
Straight marry her: to this her mother's plot
She, seemingly obedient, likewise hath
Made promise to the doctor:—Now, thus it rests;
Her father means she shall be all in white;
And in that habit, when Slender sees his time
-- 352 --
To take her by the hand, and bid her go,
She shall go with him:—her mother hath intended,
The better to devote4note
her to the doctor,9Q0150
(For they must all be mask'd and vizarded)
That, quaint in green5note
, she shall be loose enrob'd,
With ribbands pendant, flaring 'bout her head;
And when the doctor spies his vantage ripe,
To pinch her by the hand, and, on that token,
The maid hath given consent to go with him.
Host.
Which means she to deceive? father or mother?
Fent.
Both, my good host, to go along with me:
And here it rests,—that you'll procure the vicar
To stay for me at church, 'twixt twelve and one,
And, in the lawful name of marrying,
To give our hearts united ceremony.
Host.
Well, husband your device; I'll to the vicar:
Bring you the maid, you shall not lack a priest.
Fent.
So shall I evermore be bound to thee;
Besides, I'll make a present recompence. [Exeunt.
