Glo.
Now are our mugs bound up with napkins,
Our broken heads, like broken pipkins
Patch'd with court plaister—but the sun of York
Shines so upon our cribs, it fries like pork!
Fierce phized war has smooth'd his tripey jowls,
And now, instead of mounting—by goles,
He to the lady's snoozing-ken doth hop,
And all the blessed night with her doth stop,
To listen to her thrumming on the lute,
And tip her “Off she goes” upon his flute.

But I, that am not made for larking tricks,
To play on flutes made out of walking sticks;
I, that am not made for woman's whims;
I, that am call'd the second Duke of Limbs!
I, that for a dandy surely ne'er was cut,
With quizzing glass and flash girl to strut!
Then since this earth affords no fun for me,
While others round me spend their days in glee;
Why then to me this bustling world's but dead,
Till this my bread basket's aspiring head,
Stop the same hole that Harry's block hath fill'd,—
To stop a hole, 'faith many a one's been kill'd.
This night before he can reach the bannister,
With my fist will I split his cannister. [Exit, R. H. SCENE II. —King Henry's Chamber. King Henry discovered sleeping; enter Lieutenant, R. H. D.

Air, “Good morrow to your night cap.” Lieu.
Oh, King Harry you no doubt
  Find sleep how very sweet it is,

He little dreams what Dick's about,
  So dosey is that pate of his;
    Awake, awake, it's break of day!
    D&wblank;e, how he snores away!
Come move your stumps; my king of trumps,
  And douse your worsted night cap.

King H. (waking)
Who's there, lieutenant, is it you?

Lieu.
The same, my lord, how do you do?

King H.
Oh, I have had such dreams, that I
Do fear—

Lieu.
Dreams are all my eye!

King H.
Reach me a book, I'll try if reading can
Remove or scare the mulligrubs from man. [Lieutenant gives him a book, which he takes from the table. Enter Glo'ster, R. H. D.

Glo.
Good day, my lord; what are you reading?
Begone, fellow, learn good breeding. (to Lieu. [Exit Lieutenant, R. H. D.

King H.
Dicky's down to nicks, I find.

Glo.
Suspicion always haunts the kiddy's mind.

King H.
When thieves in spite of gallows rob and kill,
'Tis time that they were sent to Brixton Mill.
I've now the butcher in my eye,
By whom my boy was doom'd to die.

Glo.
Why, what a stupid ugly owl,
To teach his son the office of a fowl!
You should have taught your boy his pray'rs alone,
And then his life I'd scorn to bone.

King H.
If you'll listen, I'll tip you a song
Of my own composing—it is'nt long.

Glo.
The shorter the better.

King H.
This is the matter.

Air, “The White Cockade.” King H.
In London town, as most folks know,
A duchess leads a life of woe,
She's got a son with a face like tan,
Known by the name of the hump back man.
When she lay-in with this hump back man,
He'd teeth in his head had this hump back man.
The midwife out of the room she ran,
Quite scar'd at the sight of the hump back man.

Dogs bark'd, cocks crow'd, and asses bray'd,
The brute creation were all afraid,
Some stood, some flew, and others ran,
As the devil had kick'd 'em from the hump back man.
He is such a wicked hump back man,
A murd'ring thief is this hump back man;
And if I guess aright his plan,
I know I'm down to the hump back man.

Glo.
I'll hear no more—no prophecy for me;
Die and be d&wblank;n'd! die game, my kiddy.

King H.
Die game I cannot! oh, no, no,
But I must die just so, so—oh! [Dies very gently.

Air, “Oh Lady Fair” Glo.
What, have I floor'd good Mister Lanky!
Rise, if you dare, again on your flanky.
If you're alive, pray be so civil
As move—I send you to the devil!
Down, down to Hell, you'll soon be drawn in. King H.
I go, I go!—Dickey, good morning! [Lies down again. Glo.
Yes, he told true and not a crammer,
I came in this world, surely to d&wblank;n her.
'Twas her report—the midwife's to bind hers,
Swore that I was born with sharp grinders,

Which signified I'll snarl and bite, O,
And in all mischief take delight, O.
I go, I go—but Neddy's still reigning,
When he ground sweats—I'll count my gaining. [Exit, R. H. D. SCENE III. —Ludgate. Enter Tressel, L. H. meeting Lord Stanley, who enters R. H. U. E.

DUETT.—Air, “Sure such a day.”
Sure such a day, for quarter day is nothing to it,
  Such a day as this there surely never was;
Murder and bloodshead, they say's the only thing to do it,
  And bring of all the days the last to us, that's poz.
Raw head and bloody bones, death and skeletons to day they say,
Have stalk'd about, and walk'd about, and frighten'd all the folks away,
Yet crooked Dick with death shows his agility,
They range, and say on change depends this world's impertubility!
Sure such a day, &c.

Stan.
But see, he comes this way, and looks with anger big,
I think my friend, we'd better hop the twig. [Exeunt, R. H. U. E. Enter Glos'ter in a hurry, L. H.

Air, “Black Joke.” Glo.
Alas! Queen Anne, she keeps no bed,
With piping her eye she's got mighty red,
  With her sob, sigh, get out! oh, my!
She's health enough an if she chuse
To walk to Chertsey, wear out her shoes,
Of me she cannot bear the sight—
Well—I cannot blame her—she's right, she's right,
  With her sob, sigh, get out! oh fye!
But see, but see my love appears,
With sighs I will melt her, and drown her with tears,
  With my ram 'em, cram 'em, nothing like gammon.
'Tis true my form may little move,
But a lover myself I will soon prove,
I'll wink and blink, and tip her the chink,
And if she refuses, I'll ask her to drink,
  And treat her to oysters and pickled salmon. [Retires, R. H.

Enter Lady Anne in mourning, Lord Stanley Tressel, Guards, and Bearers with King Harry's Body, R. H. U. E.

Lady A. (advancing to the centre of the Stage)
Oh! may duke Richard, who shed king Harry's blood,
Fall in a ditch over his head in mud.

Glo. (advancing)
Hallo! you body snatchers, set it down.

Gua.
Move one foot, and we'll crack your crown.

Glo.
Villains, set it down! or, by Saint Paul,
I'll upset your load and bang you all.

Lady A.
What is't you want? begone, I say.

Glo.
Be not so hard for charity!

Lady A.
Be gone, your head is carroty.

Air, “Go, George, I can't endure you.” Lady A.
Go, Dick, you're much to blame, sir,
  To get at such a game, sir,
I wonder were you ever found the cheek to woo me now!
  Your suit is all in vain,
  I tell you so again,
  So no more I tell you, but
  The string you'd better cut,

Come brush, brush, brush, brush, brush, brush, brush;
  Come mizzle, hop the twig;
Come brush, brush, brush, brush, brush, brush, brush;
  Or off I'll pull your wig! (Pulls off his wig and throws it away.

Air, “Since Kathleen has prov'd so untrue.” Glo.
Now then without ever a word,
Rum ti iddity, &c.
First hold my sharp pointed sword,
With your rum ti iddity, &c.
King Henry to be sure I did stab,
Rum ti iddity, &c.
But never once thought he would blab,
With his rum ti iddity, &c.
Young Edward I stuck in the breast,
Rum ti iddity, &c. (She offers to strike.
But thy beauty it must be confest,
Made me rum ti iddity, &c.
To rejoice at this deed I was bent,
Rum ti iddity, &c. (She offers to strike.
But thy eyes hath made mine penitent.
Rum ti iddity, &c. (She drops the sword.

Take up the sword, here's my heart,
Rum ti iddity, &c. (She turns away.
Would you choose a cheese cake or a tart?
With RUM, ti iddity, &c.

Air, “Oh Miss Bailey.” Lady A.
Of all the cheese that's in the world, O give to me plain Glo'ster,
For 'tis the cheese that was so liked by my friend Miss Foster.
There's Mister Maggot the cheesemonger, she would against his house rap,
Till by eating too much cheese, she made her mouth a mouse trap!

Air, “Nancy Dawson.” Glo.
Since Glo'ster is my name you know,
And Glo'ster with you seems all the go,
We'll have blue ruin, if you'll go
  To All-max in the east, O.
But if blue ruin you refuse,
For yourself you must begin to choose,
Most ladies comfort drams do use,
  But, don't make yourself a beast O.

Lady A.
Your choice I like—we'll have quarterns two,
I'll drink untill I'm blind— Glo.
So do, Both.
We'll drink away till all is blue, Glo.
  And I will be your flash chap! Lady A.
But if into a ditch I fall? Glo.
Then out again I will you maul, Lady A.
But what if Glo'ster fall and all? Glo.
  Don't make your mouth a mouse trap. [They dance off, L. H. Music playing “Off she goes,” the Bearers stand in the middle with the body; Tressel, Guards, &c. dance round, then exeunt, L. H. U. E. SCENE IV. —Baynard's Castle. Enter Buckingham, hastily L. H. meeting Lord Stanley, R. H.

Air, “Bob and Joan.” Buck.
Have you seen the Duke? Stan.
No, my lord, believe me. Buck.
Your love I've much mistook,
  Or my sad tale will grieve you.
Edward's gone to pot! Stan.
Oh, the drunken jockey.

Buck.
Not so—'tis said he got
  His death by cold, my cockey!

Stan.
Hold! is not that the duchess of York,
Who in a funk does this way walk?

Buck.
It is, my bozzey—stow all lark! Enter Duchess of York, R. H.

Duc. Y.
Good day, my boys; how does the king?

Buck.
Alas! madam; he is no such thing!

Duc. Y.
Dead! oh, Glo'ster! Glo'ster, oh!

Buck.
Yes, 'twas a hard lot,
That he should go to pot;
But pray now do not cry,
For crying's all my eye! Enter Queen, Oxford, and Blunt, L. H.

Queen.
Why do ye to oppose my grief thus scud?
I'd sooner have ye pelt me o'er with mud.
My mother too in tears, I find;
Oh, Dicky, Dicky, thou art mighty kind.

Oh, that my eyes could weep away my soul,
And in my body leave a mighty hole,
Large enough to hold the whole New River,
Alas! alas! the thought! it makes me shiver.

Stan.
Since death has cabbag'd your poor Ned,
Your duty, madam, as a wife is dead;
Altho' he's gone that was most steady,
You know there still remains a Neddy!

Queen.
Alas, that thought is cooler than the former,
Can'st thou not think of something warmer?

Stan.
What says your majesty to a drop of jackey?

Queen.
We've fears for Edward living, and tears for Edward dead,
Curses for crooked Richard, and pokers to break his head!

Buck.
Judge not so hardly of his love,
Your son will find him tender as a dove. Enter Glo'ster, M. D.

Glo.
So, so, these tears look well; sorrow's the go,
And every one at court must wear it now,

With all my heart; for now I feel a passion,
To be prime bang-up in the fashion! [Weeps.

Buck.
See where he comes, sniv'ling for our loss,
His looks are penitent and void of brass.

Glo. (in centre)
Good day, my lords, methinks we meet like quakers.

Buck.
We may remember, if memory don't forsake us,
We should be silent, when blue devils take us!

Glo.
Sister take pluck—we all have cause
To mourn the burning of our rushlight out,
Yet, if we'd burnt another's, so say our laws,
Grim Newgate's gates had made us pout;
So we must weep, because we weep in vain,
Come, let the sun shine after rain.

Air, “Come let us dance and sing.” Glo.
Now let us have a dance,
For that's the way they do in France,
Why don't you all advance,
  To drive dull care away.

All the day let's dance and play,
The blind fiddler I will pay,
We will drink, 'till we blink,
  To drive dull care away. Chorus,
Now let us have a dance, &c. [They waltz off, L. H. SCENE V. —A Room in Crosby Palace. Lady Anne discovered seated on a Couch.

Air, “Heigho! says Rowley!” Lady A.
When first I fell in love, heigho!
Heigho! said Nancy.
'Twas with a well made, dashing beau,
At first I thought him quite the go,
  With his bow and scrape, and yards of tape,
Oh, yes! he took my fancy.
But him I drop'd like a hot potato;
Heigho! said Nancy.
Saying, get you hence, for you I hate, O,
If you do not brush, I'll crack your pate, O,
  You dandy fop, you'd better hop,
Skip, jump, away from Nancy.
The next that came he won my heart,
Heigho! my fancy.

Both day and night he made it smart,
He knew how to play his part,
  With his trying, sighing, melting, dying,
He soon got over Nancy!
But of these joys I was too fond,
Heigho! said Nancy!
Dick murder'd him, but don't abscond,
I wish he'd cross'd the Herring Pond,
  With an escort, from court, in a transport,
But not on board the Nancy! [Sits down and weeps. Enter Glo'ster, L. H. D.

Glo.
What! still in tears! why don't she die?
She can't for ever pipe her eye;
Then die she must, and quickly too,
For I've another one in view;
And since my heart a tenant now must lose,
'Tis time I should another lodger choose.
So, ma'am, you still take care, I see,
To make the world believe we don't agree;
I'd have you tell the world our parting
Would break your heart—

Lady A.
And so I would, but they would call it gammon,
'Tis vain to fish for flats among the salmon;
Have I deserv'd all this, that scold you must?

Glo.
You have; you do not please me as at first.

Lady A.
What have I done? to know I've giv'n this jewel,
Unless the singeing of your last night's gruel,
Lies heavy on your heart, and makes you cruel.

Glo.
No singed oatmeal batter have we here,
Nor singed love! the flame burns clear,
Hotter and hotter than Welch rabbits,
The fair Elizabeth my breast inhabits.
Now wert thou not afraid of arsenic's power,
You might the ghost give up this very hour! Lady Anne goes to the Scene, takes down a Picture, and advances towards Glo'ster.

Air, “Mark a poor desolate maid.” Lady A.
Ah, mark a poor widow just made,
By a second false husband betray'd.

Behold now her white dish clout cheek,
All the monsters ill usage bespeak;
And here kneels the poor harmless dupe,
Who scarcely is able to stoop;
And here stands the rogue like a fixture,
Start not! start not, 'tis but a picture.
Behold in her poor half starv'd face,
What would an old miser disgrace;
And gaze on those outlines of care,
That would almost the devil scare.
Ah, say do you know who she is?
Pray can you remember her phiz?
I well know the rogue like a fixture;
Start not! start not, 'tis but a picture.

Glo.
'Tis false I say, I loved you once; but I
Must cut the string—and now I'll tell you why.
I took you first as sailors take tobacco,
Your virtue gone, you now become a hack.

Lady A.
Oh!

Air, “False man, you courted Sally.” Lady A.
False man, you courted Anne, O,
  With punch you fill'd her noddle;
Yes, yes, you wicked man, O,
  Untill she could not waddle.
And then you basely took, O,
  Advantage of her weakness,

And now quite big you look, O,
  And triumph o'er her meekness.
But I'll not stay another day,
  To be by you tormented;
No, blow me if I do, I say,
  It shall be all resented. [Exit, R. H. Enter Buckingham, L. H. D.

Glo.
Now coz, what's the news? come say,
A pretty decent time you stay;
What say the citizens?

Buck.
Why, they
All seem with fear, to be struck dead!
Or dumb as herrings that are red.

Glo.
And did you to these cursed dastards,
Touch on Edward's brats—as bastards?

Buck.
I did; and then of his contract
With amorous Lucy* ^note

His own bastardy, his cowardice!
I told 'em that you floor'd him twice.
And how you mill'd the Scottish man,
Who was the champion of the clan!
I said that you was down to fibbing,
You too could handle well the ribbing.

So when I drew towards a close,
And in my fogle blew my nose,
I urg'd them all now not to stick
At crying out “Long live King Dick!”

Glo.
Well, did they so?

Air, “Bartholomew Fair.” Buck.
Not one, upon my soul,
Was there among the whole,
But they all stood like statues,
Yet none of them refuse;
In one another's phizzes,
Now each rascal quizzes,
  My eyes! how they did stare O
    The Lord Mayor, said beware,
    By an order, the Recorder,
    Will relate, what you prate,
    So push on!—whereupon,
    This magpie,—are you fly?
  Like a counsellor did tare O.
When he had done his speech,
I expected it from each;
But scarce ten voices cried,
“Long live King Dick!”—I ey'd
'Em out, bowed, and then.
Took advantage of the ten,
  Crying “Thanks, Citizens!” oh, rare O!

Glo.
Oh, tongueless blocks! thanks for thy patter;
But will the Mayor not come?

Buck.
I hear his clatter;
Your brains you'd best pretend to addle,
With a pray'r book stuck in your daddle,
Standing with a bishop—but beware,
He is not the Bishop of Clo&wblank;.
Seem like the virgin, fearful to disclose
Your wishes—keep all under the rose!

Glo.
We cannot fail, my boy, while you are firm,
You are myself—and I'll be soon Maw-worm. [Exit in a hurry, R. H. D. Enter Lord Mayor, and Suite, L. H.

Buck.
Welcome, my lord; I've knock'd, but all in vain.

May.
Will no one answer?

Buck.
No!

May.
Then knock again. [Buckingham knocks R. H. D.

Enter Glo'ster, R. H. D. in a long Cloak and large Hat, with a Candle in one hand and a Prayer Book in the other.

Air—From “Don Giovanni.” Glo.
What profane wretch dare knock at my street door,
  While I am at my prayers? Buck.
We saw a light in your first floor,
  And wish'd to walk up stairs. Glo.
    A Charlie could I see,
    I'd give charge of thee,
To the round house you should go. Buck.
    How is this—surely
    You sham Abraham!—why
Don't you your own friends know? Glo.
Come brush—I never saw your snouts before
  You seem to be a set of mummers. Buck.
Pray look again, before you shut the door,
  From the City we are comers!
    How you stare—the Lord Mayor,
    With Citizens so rare,
Come here to make you their king. Glo.
    A preaching I go,
    And now I say blow
Me, if they do any such thing.

May. (kneels with Suite.)
Upon our marrowbones you see,
We come to beg this suit of thee;
That is, that you would wear the crown;
Oh, do not let that suit be brown!

Glo.
Cease I pray, no more beseeching,
You see I want to go a preaching.

Buck.
Good day, my lords, 'tis all in vain. [Exeunt, L. H. D.

Cat.
Pray do be king!

Glo.
Call him again. [Catesby crosses and exits, L. H. D.

Air—From “Don Giovanni.” Glo.
It seems to be King, you now will enforce me,
  In spite of my teeth, I must then comply;
That I am against it, you must of course see,
  For that you may twig sure with half an eye. Re-enter Buckingham and Catesby, L. H. D. Buckingham crosses to Glo'ster. Glo.
Good cousin, and sage men, so grave looking,
  Since you will buckle a load on my back,

I must carry it, though I declare it's quite shocking,
  To make a porter of me, to make a porter of me,
And give me a load that my poor neck will crack! Buck.
My heart is so full, I can't speak a word, O,
  I'm dumb as a post, tho' some folks have it deaf,
Come down on your marrows, and try to be heard, O. [All kneel.
  Long live King Dick, to cut up roast beef!
So now we'll go and make preparation, May.
  To-morrow you shall be crowned outright,
We go and give orders for your coronation,
  Have all in prime style, have all in prime style, Glo.
And I'll go to prayers, and wish you good night. Exeunt Buckingham, Lord Mayor & Train, L. H. D. Glo'ster, R. H. D. END OF THE FIRST ACT.

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