Juliet.
Fortune! Men call thee oft a fickle hussey,
And say thou act's like one that's downright muzzy;
O still be fickle! whether right or wrong;
And don't in Mantua keep my Romeo long. Enter Lady Capulet.

Lady.
Hollo, Miss Lazybones! Ho! are you waking?

Juliet.
Yes.

Lady.
Why d'ye cry?

Juliet.
Because my head is aching.

Lady.
'Tis wrong to wail and rant about your cousin much,
I shoudn't care if we had lost a dozen such.

Juliet.
Doctors will differ,—so do you and I.

Lady.
I've joyful news to tell you by and bye.

Juliet.
Tell it at once.

Lady.
Well then, next Thursday morn,
Paris, the German Count,—young, nobly born,
Gay, brisk and handsome, both in form and feature,
Will wed thee at the Church of old St. Peter.

Juliet.
Such sudden matches there is no supporting;
Why Ma'am, he has not even come a courting!
Pray tell Papa I cannot marry yet.

Lady.
Tell him yourself; he'll finely fume and fret:
See, here he comes. Enter Capulet and Nurse.

Capulet.
Well, wife, what says the lass?

Lady.
She thanks you, but won't marry.

Capulet.
What an Ass!
This noble match she ought to be quite proud of;
For fame the youthful German Count speaks loud of.

Juliet.
I can't be proud, because I do not like it:
Thank you, the bargain's bad, so I'll not strike it.

Capulet.
None of your thanks: next Thursday without fail,
Go to St. Peters, or at a Cart's tail
I'll have thee dragged there.

Juliet.
Oh! don't be so cruel.

Nurse.
Sir, you're too hot, and vent out too much fuel.

Capulet.
Silence, old fool! thy words are out of season:
Wife, I'm quite mad, the jade has turned my reason:
Turn out of doors you wench and lie i' the street,
And ne'er come back again to drink or eat.

Juliet.
I shall be soon as thin as a grasshopper.

Capulet.
Well! you may starve, Miss, I don't care a copper.

Juliet.
Dear Mother! stay the match a month or two.

Lady.
Not I; so wed or starve.

Juliet.
What shall I do?

Nurse.
I have it;—Romeo cannot now come back,
On pain of a sound whipping and the rack,
Unless by stealth; marry the Count also;
'Tis best;—for then you'll have two strings t' your bow.

Juliet.
Why I must own I should much like to do it,
But Romeo would be savage if he knew it.
Go, tell my Mother 'tis my resolution
To seek a Priest.

Nurse.
That's right—get absolution. [Exit.

Juliet.
I'll to the Friar, to know what's to be done.
Should all else fail; I'll die, or else turn nun.
To Love full many a lass has died a martyr;
Therefore I'll hang myself up in my garter:
If 'tis too short, I'll steal one from my mother:
I've only one, for Romeo has the other. [Exit.

SCENE II. The Monastery, Enter Friar Lawrence and Paris.

Friar.
On Thursday!

Paris.
Capulet that day does name;
And I can't put it off, of course, for shame.

Friar.
'Tis much too early, and besides I'll bet
My ears, you know not if she like you yet.

Paris.
For Tibalt's murder such a fuss she's making,
And always seems in such a tristful taking,
That, as for love, I cant say much about it:— Enter Juliet.
Here comes my wife that will be.

Juliet.
Sir, I doubt it.

Paris.
Indeed you will, on Thursday next, I wot.

Juliet.
I can't tell yet whether I shall or not.

Paris.
Come you to make confession to the Friar?

Juliet.
What if I do? what right have you t' inquire?
Are you at leisure, priest? If not, at Mass
This night, I'll come to you.

Friar.
No, stay, my lass. (To Paris.)
—Sir, to be off I beg you'll make a motion.

Paris
To mar your tete-a-tete I have no notion. [Exit.

Juliet.
Go, shut the door, my grief I can't endure;
I'll cry my eyes out, for I'm past all cure.

Friar.
Why I know all the secret.

Juliet.
Pray don't chatter.
Unless you'll tell one how to mend the matter;
If not, this instant, life for death I'll barter,
And quickly do my business with this garter.

Friar.
Hold, you don't seem to mind death a rope's end;
Therefore there's comfort yet you may depend;

For surely you'll dare any thing much rather
Than play the suicide?

Juliet.
Yes, reverend Father;
For Romeo's sake I'd leap from yonder tower,
Aye, or the topmast of a seventy-four;
He is my bosom's rightful lord and master.

Friar.
Peace! on thy mind's wound soon I'll put a plaister;
Get home as fast as possible,—seem merry;
And keep your spirits up with Port or Sherry;
Then say you'll marry Paris; but take care
The Nurse lies not at bed-time where you are:
When all is still and quiet, drink this liquor, (Producing a Bladder.)
Which through your youthful veins will run much quicker
Than Horses at a race; at first 'twill frolick
About your stomach, and bring on the cholick;
Then will your breath stop, and your heart cease beating;
Your face and lips will turn as white as sheeting;
Your eyes will close, as if Death pinned them down,
And you will seem quite dead. I'll wage a crown,
The trick will do: In two and forty hours
You'll wake as from a dream.

Juliet.
Oh! by the powers
I'll drink!

Friar.
Now when the bridegroom in the morn
Shall come, with marriage-favors to adorn

Thy bridal cap, there art thou dead as mutton;
Then all thy kindred dolorous black will put on,
And to the burying ground with you will trot:
Meantime, I'll write to Romeo all the plot;
Begging he'll ride post-haste: Then he and I
Will wake you, and to Mantua you shall fly.

Juliet.
Thy scheme is dangerous; nothing can be madder;
Howe'er, I'll try it; so give me the bladder. (Takes the Bladder.)

Friar.
Now, Mrs. Montague, begone, you'd better:
I'll send old Jack to Romeo with a letter.

Juliet.
Farewell! with you and Romeo, Father dear,
I hope ere long to drink a mug of Beer;
'Tis cheaper far at Mantua than 'tis here. [Exeunt. SCENE III. Capulet's House. Enter Capulet, Lady Capulet, and Nurse.

Lady.
What, is she gone to gossip with the Friar?

Nurse.
She is.

Capulet.
Why that's stale news; I'll hang the cryer;
Tis nonsense to repeat things o'er and o'er;
You've told us so a dozen times before.
I hope he'll make the peevish chit consent.

Nurse.
See, here she comes, more gaily than she went. Enter Juliet, dancing and singing to the tune of Del Caro's Hornpipe.

Capulet.
Pray, where hast thou been gadding, thou young headstrong?

Juliet.
Where one has taught me that I have been led wrong,
In having thus opposed thy high behests:
Recall thy angry words.

Capulet.
They were but jests.
Send for the Count,—to-morrow you shall wed.

Juliet.
He's gone to take a walk, for so he said: (Dancing about.)
I saw him at the Friar's an hour ago,—
He bowed, and then, of course, I curtsied low.

Capulet.
That's a good girl.—We'll after Paris search;—
To-morrow you shall trip it off to church.
Fal, lal, la, &c. [Exeunt, dancing. SCENE IV. Juliet's Chamber. Enter Juliet.

Juliet.
Now bladder, do thy worst! (Takes the Bladder from her pocket.)
What if the Friar
Have hoaxed me after all, and played the liar!
Who knows? perhaps 'tis poison! well, I'll try it:
The man seems pious,—no one can deny it. (Drinks.)
Here's to thee, Romeo, Oh! what griping twinges!
The bitter draught my senses quite unhinges,— (Getting into Bed with much preparation.)
Methinks, these curtains sadly want new fringes. (Draws the Curtains.) Enter Nurse.

Nurse.
Come, come, Miss Juliet, pray turn out of bed.—
She's fast a sleep!—a downright lump of lead!
What, won't you stir? then, Madam, I'll soon make you.
Paris is waiting; therefore I must wake you.

Oh! mercy on me! Death her lips has sealed up;
Here's a fine botch! it never can be healed up:
Ho! Master!—Mistress, ho!— Enter Lady Capulet.

Lady.
Well, what's the matter?

Nurse.
O lamentable day! Come, and look at her;

Lady.
Oh, Juliet! turn thine eyes upon me, dear. Enter Capulet.

Capulet.
Why what the Devil makes you linger here?

Nurse.
She's dead as dishwater!

Capulet.
O dismal day!
Let me but see her—Oh, she's cold as clay!
Henceforth I'll nothing do but rave and bellow:—
Most luckless time! unfortunate old fellow! Enter Friar Lawrence and Paris.

Friar.
Is Juliet yet prepared to go to Church?

Capulet.
Yes, but when there, Sir, she'll be left i'th' lurch:

Death has obliged her all at once to halt:
She's now a corse.

Friar.
Then lay her in your vault.
Cheer up, don't cry so; 'tis no use.

Capulet.
That's true.

Friar.
I'll fetch the Undertaker—so adieu! [Exeunt. SCENE V. A Church Porch. Enter Friar Lawrence, Undertaker, and his Men. Fiddlers and Women in black.

Friar.
Now Fiddlers, scrape away, but let the air
Be merrier than the dirge;—Why do you stare?
Since Juliet's boxed, let's ape the military,
And drown our sorrow: off in couples pair ye:
We'll have a dance,—a funeral dance; what think ye?
Don't hang your heads down thus, but drink, boys, drink ye. (Presenting a Brandy Bottle and Glass, which is passed round.)
Let every man doff his black crape and hat-band,
And skip about.

Undertaker.
Hold, Sir, I cannot that stand:
To dance without our black would be a sin.

Friar.
Well, keep it on then; now, my lads. begin.

Undertaker.
Come, the Black Joke. (To the Fiddlers.) Let's have it in a crack.

Friar.
Why the Black Joke?

Undertaker.
Because the Joke is Black. (Fiddles strike up: the Dancers, Friar, &c. arrange themselves, and the whole party finally go off dancing.) SCENE VI. Mantua. Enter Romeo.

Romeo.
If last night's dreams prove true, I soon shall be
Dubb'd a Papa, and have much progeny.
I thought my wife, saluting me with kisses,
Presented three fine boys and two young misses,
And called them mine.

Enter Balthazar.
Ah, what's the news with you?
Come you straight from Verona?

Balthazar.
Sir, I do.

Romeo.
How fare my Spouse and Dad? come, quickly tell.

Balthazar.
Your Dad's but so, so.—

Romeo.
Say, is Juliet well?

Balthazar.
She's well provided for! her mouth and eyes
Are closed for ever.

Romeo.
Sirrah! don't tell lies.

Balthazar.
Upon my soul, she's dead? I hate deriding,
And rode post-haste to bear this tristful tiding.

Romeo.
This is bad news! I soon shall die o'th' vapour:
Go to my chamber; fetch pen, ink and paper.
Saddle my Pony; I'll be off to night.

Balthazar.
My Lord, I fly. (Walks leisurely off.)

Romeo.
Oh! what a luckless wight!
Juliet, I'll sleep with you to night—don't doubt it.
Now I'll bethink me how to set about it.

SONG.—Tune,—Rumpti-edity.
A Rat-Catcher dwells hereabout;
I ne'er shall forget the old sinner:
So lean were his phiz and his snout,
You'd have sworn he ate air for his dinner.
His bones fairly popp'd through his skin;
His eyes were deep sunk in their sockets,
And Rat-tails, long, short, thick and thin,
Hung dangling from each of his pockets.
Sing Ri fol de diddle dol de, &c.
Suspecting the fellow was poor
As a half-starved Church-Mouse, or a poet,
Quoth I, as I passed by his door,
(Faith this is the spot—I well know it.) (looking round)
Quoth I—if a man had an itch
By Arsenick to slip from life's shallows,
Here lives a sly son of a bitch,
Who wou'd sell it in spite of the gallows.
Sing Ri fol de diddle dol de, &c.
I'll call thee rogue, ho! Rat-catcher! what, ho! Enter Rat-catcher.

Rat-catcher.
Who calls?

Romeo.
Come here, thour't devlish poor I know; (Holding up a Dollar.)
There's five and sixpence for thee: now give me
A double dose of Arsenick; let it be

Quite strong enough to kill an Irish giant.

Rat-catcher.
I have it here, but Sir, you may rely on't,
No man in Mantua dares such stuff to utter.

Romeo.
If you refuse, I'll kick you in the gutter:
What, art so bare, yet fearful of the law?
Why, man, it cannot injure thee a straw!
You'd better take the money, Master, will you?

Rat-catcher.
Well, I'll consent, and yet I'm loth to kill you. (Exit, and re-enters with Snuff in a paper.)
This Snuff is mixed with Arsenick,—take a sniff,
But let it be a hearty one,—and if
It do not kill you, never trust me more.

Romeo.
That's a good fellow.—'Tis enough you're sure.

Rat-catcher.
Quite sure? 'tis mixed with Hellebore as well,
And other drugs whose names I can't well tell.

Romeo.
'Twill do.—There lantern-jaws, go, buy thee food. (Giving him the Money.)
And try to get thee into flesh and blood. [Exit Rat-catcher.
Come, deadly Snuff; to Juliet's grave we'll pack;
When once we're there, we'll ne'er again come back. [Exit.

SCENE VII. Enter Friar John.

John.
Hollo! my crony! lazy Lawrence, ho! Enter Friar Lawrence.

Friar.
Ha, Jack! is't you? pray what says Romeo?

John.
One of our cloth and I chancing to drink
Too much Gin Twist, were locked up in the Clink.
As through the streets we reeled, it seems, we spoke
Some amorous words, merely by way of joke,
To certain pert young Misses, as they came
From some Tea-kettle rout.—Pretending shame,—
They squalled so loudly that the watch appeared;
A constable soon grasped me by the beard,
And held me fast.—another lusty dog
Laid my friend sprawling, quickly, like a log.
To be concise,—they put us both in fetters,
Therefore I couldn't speed on with your letters.

Friar.
This sad mishap I fear will brood some ill:
But, Jack, go get a Pick-lock: run.

John.
I will. [Exit.

Friar.
Now, to the monument I'll go, and shake
With might and main, young Juliet, 'till she wake:
I doubt not she'll be happy to behold me,
Unless I stay too long,—and then she'll scold me. [Exit. SCENE VIII. A Church Yard. In it the Monument of the Capulets. Enter Paris, followed by a Page.

Paris.
Give me the candle, boy; and pray be off:
But, Sirrah, don't go far, and mind you cough
If any Scoundrel pop his nose this way;
Give me the bunch of Boyslove;—off, I say!
My girl! this Boyslove round thy bed I'll strew;
A token of the love I bore to you.
'Tis not the time of year for Pinks and Roses:— (Boy coughs.)
—He tips the signal! there'll be bloody noses:
I'll drub him tightly, whosoe'er he be,
Who thus breaks in upon my love and me. (Paris retires.) Enter Romeo, and Balthazar with a Lantern.

Romeo.
Let's have the Pick-lock,—to be plain with you,
I have mind my Juliet's phiz to view.

Besides, about her neck she has my cravat;
I only lent it her, and I will have it:
Don't further seek to know what I'd be at;
For if you do, I'll knock you down.

Balthazar.
That's flat.

Romeo.
Brush!

Balthazar.
Sir, I'm off. [Exit.

Romeo.
Thou worst of hungry maws!
Thus I'll begin to ope thy ugly jaws. (Tries to open the Lock.)

Paris. (Shewing himself.)
—Paws off, you dog! your body I arrest,
In our great Prince's name.

Romeo.
Begone! you'd best.

Paris. (Drawing a Sword Stick.)
—None of your gab!
I'll run you through and through.

Romeo.
Come on, my hearty! that's a game for two. (Draws a Sword stick also; they fight, Paris falls.)

Page.
Oh! they're hard at it! I'll go call the watch! [Exit.

Paris.
I'm drilled to death; no art can heal the botch;
Lay me alongside Juliet, pray, Sir, do. (Dies.)

Romeo.
I will, be easy, man,—but who are you?— (Turning him over.)
Count Paris! knit with me in sorrows knot;
This comes of being pepperish and hot.
Farewell, my Dragon! come, give me your hand;
And when from Styx among the Sprights you land,
Kiss you know whom, for me; pray, dont be shy. (Opens the door.)
After my bride and you I'll quickly hie.
Oh, Juliet! although Death has turned thee white,
Thou still looks't wond'rous pretty to my sight:
Now Death, I'll take thee at a pinch; here goes.— (Takes Snuff.)
It cuts a pretty caper in my nose. (Sneezes.)
Juliet, I am resolved to have one smack,
Ere the next sneeze shall lay me on my back: (Kisses her.)
—Her lips are warm,—that's odd! Hollo! she seems
To move!

Juliet. (Waking.)
—Where am I? I've had frightful dreams.

Romeo.
She speaks! Why this is very comical!
Rise, Juliet, rise!

Juliet.
I won't.

Romeo.
I say you shall. (Takes her from the Tomb.)

Juliet.
I wish you'd let me go. I'm Romeo's bride,
Therefore your offer, Paris, I deride;
I will not marry you, indeed I can't!

Romeo.
She's cracked, for certain, thus to rave and rant.
Come Juliet, rub your eyes my dear, don't sham;
I am your Romeo,—'pon my soul I am.

Juliet.
'Tis he indeed! O now I call to mind
The Friar's plot;—It went off well I find:
My darling spouse! Why do you turn away?
Let's kiss as we were wont to do, I pray. (Going to embrace him.)
Speak, speak! I faint; help, help! or I shall pass quick.

Romeo.
I cannot;—help yourself;—(Sneezes.)—O damn the Arsenick!

Juliet.
Arsenick? what mean you?

Romeo. (Shewing the paper.)
—Oh! the nasty snuff!

Juliet.
What, was it poisoned?

Romeo.
Poisoned sure enough:
When first you spoke, I felt such pleasure, that
I didn't recollect what I'd been at:
But now, the Snuff performs its office smartly,
I haven't time to tell all.

Juliet.
Tell me partly.

Romeo.
I wandered here to see thee, and to die.

Juliet.
The more fool you; but wherefore? tell me why.

Romeo.
I thought thee dead.

Juliet.
What did the Friar betray
The secret to the Count?

Romeo.
I cannot say,—
But seeing thee dead apparently and cold
I took this poisoned snuff,—now pray, don't scold;
And was about to lay me by thy side,
But found a living, not a ghostly bride.

Juliet.
And is it come to this?—How wrong you've acted!

Romeo.
I own it Juliet, and am quite distracted.

Juliet.
It seems the Arsenick vender didn't stint ye.

Romeo.
Fathers and Mothers, ye are cold and flinty!

Juliet.
Oh! Oh! my palpitating heart! Oh! Oh!

Romeo.
She's mine! you scoundrel Paris! let her go!
Be easy, Capulet! she is my own!
O Juliet! kiss me quickly! but, I'm gone! (Sneezes and dies.)

Juliet.
Stay but a moment,—and for thy dear sake
What of the Snuff remains I'll quickly take. Enter Friar Lawrence, with a Dark Lantern.

Friar.
What's this I see? there's blood upon the stones!
Alack! Alack! Alack!

Juliet.
Who is't that groans?

Friar.
Romeo and Paris butchered! Tell me, Miss,
What cursed accident occasioned this?

Juliet.
'Twas all your fault.

Friar.
Indeed, you're in the wrong;
I couldn't help it. Rise, and come along,—
Don't take it so to heart,—allay your terror;
And be assured it happened all in error.
Be patient, or the watch will hear your cries out.

Juliet.
Don't come near me, you dog! I'll scratch your eyes out!

Friar.
Come, trot this moment;—march, you saucy elf!
Dy'e want a spouse? I'll marry you myself:
Will you or will you not? I see you scoff;—
The Constables are coming! so I'm off! [Exit.

Juliet.
Begone!—(Taking up the paper of Snuff.)
What's here? the Snuff, upon my soul!
Romeo! it wasn't fair to take the whole.

Constable. (Within.)
—Lead on, my boy.

Juliet.
Now garter lend assistance;
I see some fellows coming at a distance.
O for some friendly nail or peg to hang from! (Looks about for a nail in the wall but finds none.)
Bones of my ancestors, which my bones sprang from!
Do you relieve me quickly from my pains;
Since I can't hang, I'll e'en knock out my brains: (Takes up a couple of thigh bones, and beats her head.)
I've cracked my scull. (Dies.)

Enter Page.

Page.
So, here's a pretty mess! Enter the Prince, Attendants, and Constables, with the Friar.

Prince.
Is this the place?

Page.
An' please your Highness, yes.

Prince.
What do I see? (Putting on his Spectacles.) Enter Capulet.

Capulet.
What's all this fuss about?
The folks on Romeo in the street cry out.

Constable.
Romeo and Paris cheek-by-jowl lie slain;
Juliet, thought dead before, is dead again;
She's newly killed, her body still is hot.

Capulet.
Dear me, I wonder who'll go next to pot!

Enter Montague.

Prince.
O Montague! thou'rt out of bed right early,
To be spectator of this hurly-burly.

Montague.
My Wife died suddenly, at twelve o'clock,
This very night,—she couldn't bear the shock
Of Romeo's transportation;—What new woe
Hast thou to tell?

Prince.
Look there, and you'll soon know.

Montague.
'Tis mannerless to die before thy Dad:
I wish I had died first.

Prince.
I wish you had.
Bring forth the blackguards whom your doubt most rest on.

Friar.
I'm the unlucky dog whom they have prest on.

Prince.
Confess the truth directly.

Friar.
Let's retire;
I'll tell you all, and if I prove a liar,
Let me be thumped to death with hearty blows;
And hang my carcase up to scare the crows.

Prince.
Hot-headed Montague and Capulet,
Well may you rant, and fume, and storm, and fret:
Well may you shake your old heads and look wist;
For to a damned bad mill you've brought your grist.
But it shall not be said, 'midst all this fury,
We hanged a Churchman without judge or jury.
Let's brush;—this matter greatly me surprises:
We'll try the Friar at the next Assizes. [Exeunt omnes. FINIS. Jenkins, Printer, 7, Old Town Street, Plymouth.

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