Friar.
The sun is up and, and ere its piping heat
Shall set the good folks sweating in the street,
Off to the English Tavern I must scamper,
And with good London Porter fill this hamper. (Enter Romeo.)

Romeo.
My jolly friar! good morning to your night-cap.

Friar.
Jesting with sober church-men isn't right, chap.

Why at this early hour dost sneak about,
With face unwashed, and pale as any clout?
Uncovered too! for shame! go seek thy hatter,
But ere thou go'st, pray tell me what's the matter?

Romeo.
I will, in half a shake; so list to me;
I have been feasting with mine enemy,
Where one did pierce me, whom I wounded too;
The cure of both, old boy, depends on you.

Friar.
Be plain, thou know'st I never deal in physic.

Romeo.
Then plainly, love has given me the phthisic;
I'm head and ears in love with the fair daughter
Of Capulet; and love has also caught her:
Therefore I beg this day you will us marry;
We can't our passion smother.

Friar.
By th' Lord Harry
I think you're much too hot: do, pray, be heedful,
And don't be spliced unless you touch the needful:
Although old Capulet has ducats many;
I dont believe he'll give his girl a penny
If she wed you, so prithee amorous son,—
Copy our bucks of fashion,—cut and run.

Romeo.
Indeed I shan't, my love is true and fervent;
So goodman Friar, your very humble servant;
I'll make all haste, and seek another priest,
Nor will I ask you to our wedding feast:
For if you will not both in wedlock splice,
With me, your mutton you shall never slice.

Friar.
Well, I'll consent to do the friendly deed:
So come with me.

Romeo.
Then trip along with speed;
For I'm all over in a sweat and flurry.

Friar.
Be calm—no job's well done that's done in hurry. [Exeunt. SCENE II. The Street. Enter Benvolio and Mercutio meeting Romeo.

Mercutio.
Bonjour, my kiddy! as the Frenchmen say.

Romeo.
I hope you're both salubrious to day.

Mercutio.
You hoaxed us both last night.

Romeo.
Indeed! how so?

Mercutio.
By slipping off.

Romeo.
'Tis true; but you must know
I was so drunk that I was sure of tumbling
If I had stopped; so prithee, don't be grumbling:
When grape-juice once into a man's head steals up,
Unless he runs, he's sure to kick his heels up. Enter Nurse.

Benvolio.
Here comes a sail!

Mercutio.
She looks a rum old cruizer:
Let's have some fun with her.

Romeo.
Now don't abuse her.

Nurse.
My lads, can you inform me rightly where
One Romeo lives?

Romeo.
I'm he.

Nurse.
Well, I declare
I had forgot you.

Mercutio.
Romeo, we'll to breakfast. [Exeunt Benvolio and Mercutio.

Romeo.
I'll follow soon.

Well, nurse, how's Juliet? speak fast.

Nurse.
Pray, give me leave to breathe.

Romeo.
Come, how's my love?

Nurse.
Why well, and sound, and loving as a dove.

Romeo.
Bid her put on her new shoes and best bonnet,
With lots of ribbons, white and red upon it,
Comb out her hair, dress in her Sunday frock,
And meet me in the church by ten o'clock;
Where we'll be married, and I beg you'll take
This shilling for your pains and for my sake,
But see you don't get drunk with it.

Nurse.
I won't,
If I can help it, sir, depend upon't.

Romeo.
And Nurse, attend;—my man with a rope ladder
Shall creep to Juliets' window, like an adder
Sly and unseen, then to the top shall heave it:—
Do you be there in waiting to receive it.

Nurse.
That's a good plan.

Romeo.
Commend me to my dear!

Nurse.
I will.

Romeo.
Now don't forget.

Nurse.
O never fear! [Exeunt. SCENE III. Capulet's House. Enter Juliet.

Juliet.
Not yet returned! O the old wench! I'll row her:
She promised to be back in half an hour,
And now 'tis nearly twice that time, I vow:
But here she comes, as drunk as David's sow. Enter Nurse, tipsy.
O honey nurse! say, what's the news with you?

Nurse.
Have patience.

Juliet. (Passionately.)
—Answer without more ado.

Nurse.
D'ye think I'll thus be hurried: I'm in trouble:

My old bones ache,—methinks too, I see double.

Juliet.
O you old hag! You're drunk! full well I know it;
Your lisping speech and breath too plainly shew it:
Your paunch with liquor you are always filling.

Nurse.
'Twas Romeo's fault, he bribed me with a shilling.

Juliet.
The more shame for him,—what does Romeo say?

Nurse.
That he will marry thee this very day.
So hie thee off to Church, and there thou'lt find
A brisk young husband, suited to thy mind.

Juliet.
O dear! I feel quite shy.

Nurse.
Come, no dissembling.

Juliet.
In every toe and finger I've a trembling. [Exeunt.

SCENE IV. A Church. Enter Friar Lawrence and Romeo.

Friar.
I hope thy lucky star will now preside,
And shine on thee and on thy bonny bride.

Romeo.
What! art thou mad? thy words are nonsense quite:
Who ever saw a star shine, but at night?
Oh, that the ceremony was begun!
I shan't be easy till the deed is done:
Not yet in sight! (Looking out at the door.)
I hope the old Nurse told her
That I was here, and longing to behold her.

Friar.
Be patient, man; why what the devil ails thee?
It seems thy grumbling spirit never fails thee:
But here the lady comes;—now prick your ears,—
And lay aside your groaning doubts and fears. (Enter Juliet.)

Juliet.
Good-morrow, Priest, so pious and so ghostly.

Friar.
Good-day.—Your business lies with Romeo, mostly. (Handing her over.)

Romeo.
O Juliet! plump faced virgin! if thy pleasure
Now equal mine in boundless weight and measnre,
Ope wide thy mouth and speak thy soul's delight.

Juliet.
I faint with joy, with bliss o'erpowered quite.

Friar.
Come, come, no jokes: alone you shant remain,
Till wedlock's knot in one has bound the twain. [Exeunt. SCENE V. The Street. Enter Mercutio and Benvolio.

Benvolio.
Let's brush:—the Capulets are in the street;
And there'll be broken heads if once we meet.

Mercutio.
I will not budge—What, thou'rt for making off?

Benvolio.
D'ye doubt my pluck? then coat and wig I'll doff,
And take a bout with thee.

Mercutio.
I spoke in fun.
E'en stay or go;—but damme if I run.

(Enter Tibalt.)

Benvolio.
Now by my head, here comes that skinny eel.
Young Tibalt!

Mercutio.
Well, I care not, by my heel!

Tibalt.
A word with you before we think of parting.

Mercutio.
Aye, and a blow; for thou shalt get a starting.

Tibalt.
If thou'rt for that, I'll pay thee off in kind:
'Tis Romeo though, whom first I wish to find;
And when I catch him he shall have a licking.

Mercutio.
Sir! You deserve a most infernal kicking. (Enter Romeo.)

Tibalt.
But here comes Romeo! he's the man for me.

Mercutio.
Aye, any day o'th' week, as thou wilt see.

Tibalt.
Romeo, thou art a knave, a pert young ninny!
And I will box with thee for half a guinea.

Romeo.
I'll see thee damned first;—it would not be right
For me with Juliet's cousin here to fight.

Mercutio.
As he's for shirking, I will give you battle,
And thrash you worse than drivers thrash their cattle.

Tibalt.
Come on then.—(Clenches his fists.) (They fight and Romeo parts them)

Romeo.
Fie, for shame, you snarling fops! [Exit Tibalt.

Mercutio.
O what a thump he's tipped me on the chops!
Run for a Doctor! bid him come this minute!

Romeo.
'Tis a mere scratch; I'm sure there's not much in it.

Mercutio.
You tell a lie;—I'm dished, you saucy prig:
I was a fool for kicking up this rig.
A plague of both your houses! I am dying,—
Help me, Benvolio, and pray don't be crying. [Exeunt Mercutio and Benvolio.

Romeo.
The Prince's friend and mine, at this damned meeting
Hath had a cruel and outrageous beating;
Yet I've not stirred a peg—'Tis Juliet's fault;
Her beauty sets my courage quite at nought. Enter Benvolio.

Benvolio.
O Romeo, Romeo! let us weep and wail!
The brave Mercutio's dead as a door nail.

Enter Tibalt.
Here comes that rascal Tibalt back again!

Romeo.
I'll lace him tightly now Mercutio's slain;
Tibalt, thou call'dst me but just now a knave;
Knave in thy teeth, thou lying cut throat slave!

Tibalt.
Thy cousin this day to his grave I've hurled,
And thou shalt seek him in the other world. (They fight. Romeo throttles Tibalt, who falls.)

Romeo.
How like you that close hug?

Tibalt.
What's that to you?
You've throttled me, you dog, by all that's blue! (Dies.)

Benvolio.
Fly, Romeo, fly this moment! Tibalt's killed!
And soon with rabble will the street be filled:
Now don't stand there, staring o'er what thou'st done;
The Prince will clap thee in the clink! so run! [Exeunt.

SCENE VI. A Room in Capulet's House. Enter Juliet.

Juliet.
Be black as ink thou night! that Romeo may
Unseen approach, 'till morn with me to stay. (Enter Nurse.)
O here comes nurse! say, what's the news, old lass?

Nurse.
Oh! things are now come to a pretty pass!

Juliet.
Why dost thou wring thy shrivelled hands and cry?

Nurse.
He's dead! he's dead! what pity he should die!
O wicked deed! O Romeo! Romeo!

Juliet.
Why with these howlings dost torment me so?
Speak plainly out; has Romeo cut his throat?
If so, I'll drown me in our garden moat:
Say thou but aye, and I will do it quickly.

Nurse.
I saw him looking bloody, pale and sickly,
Aud had a fit. Oh Tibalt! Tibalt, Oh!

Juliet.
Is Tibalt also dead? Oh, don't say so!

Nurse.
Tibalt is killed by Romeo,—there! that's all!
Romeo's transported—now your tears let fall.
The devil take that hang-dog Romeo!

Juliet.
Blisters upon thy tongue for saying so!

Nurse.
Poor Tibalt he has cruelly misused.

Juliet.
Well, if he have, he shan't be thus abused:
I'd rather have ten thousand Tibalts dead,
Than my own loving Romeo banished:
Rather than this, I'd see my dad, and mother,
And you, and all, die after one another!

Nurse.
You're mad! to bed: Romeo shall still come to thee;
With blood of Tibalt's on his hands, to woo thee.
I know his hiding-place.

Juliet.
Give him this garter,
And tell him he has acted like a Tartar;
But I forgive him.—This is my token true.
Bid him come quickly.

Nurse.
Yes.

Juliet.
Now see you do. [Exeunt.

SCENE VII. The Monastery, Enter Friar Lawrence.

Friar.
Come from thy hiding-place, young Romeo, come! (Romeo creeps from under a Barrel.)

Romeo.
Say, what's my doom?

Friar.
The Prince looked dev'lish rum,
And will transport thee; but pray think on't lightly.

Romeo.
Oh! if I had him here I'd cane him tightly.
What! transportation! I prefer a halter!

Friar.
Thy ravings can't his resolution alter:
Besides, 'tis quite ungrateful thus to mutter;—
The Prince's heart is soft as new-made butter;
He might have doomed thee like a thief to die.

Romeo.
I wish he had: why any carrion fly
Is better off than Romeo now; because
A fly might Juliet kiss beneath her gauze,
But Romeo may not even look upon her!

Friar.
Thou'rt too rumbustical, upon my honor:

Murder's thy crime; a crime too great to gloss over:
So bear thy punishment like a philosopher.

Romeo. (Pulls off Friar Lawrence's Wig.)
—If by Philosophy I could transform
This wig to Juliet, tender, fair, and warm;
Then 'twould be something; but that's out o'th' question:
Therefore the word's unfit for my digestion.

Friar.
Pray have with me a little disputation:

Romeo.
Why 'tis no use to keep such botheration: (Throws the Wig at him.)
Wert thou like me, foaming with rage unbottled,
In love, just married too, and Tibalt throttled,
And were thy love as faithful as Queen Dido,
And thou torn from her, thou would'st rave as I do!
Thus on the ground thoud'st throw thyself in dudgeon, (Throws himself on the ground.)
Or knock thy brains out with some friendly bludgeon. (Knocking within.)

Friar.
Romeo, be easy; hear'st thou not the knocking?
Thy rude behaviour I declare is shocking:
Besides, the dust will spoil thy fine apparel,—
Creep off, and hide thyself beneath the barrel.

Romeo.
It smells too strong of rum. (Knocking again.)

Friar.
Why zounds, I'm coming!
Do stop; don't make such a confounded drumming;

If you keep such a rattle, out I'll bar you;
But tell me quickly, who the devil are you?

Nurse. (Within.)
—I come from Juliet.

Friar.
Then walk in, I pray. Enter Nurse.

Nurse.
O my dear Sir! there's been the deuce to pay!
But you know, all of course;—Is Romeo found?

Friar.
Why can't you see his carcase on the ground?
There he lies bellowing, and as drunk by jingo
With his own tears as sots e'en get with stingo.

Nurse.
Surely that blubbering fellow is'nt he?

Romeo.
Old dame it is.

Nurse.
Oh! what a sight to see!
Juliet's quite mad; she felled me at a blow.

Romeo.
Pray, how is she? this moment let me know. (Rising.)

Nurse.
Why mad I tell you.—There's no coming near her;
And all her Father's Household greatly fear her;

She raves on Tibalt, jumps about the room,
Seizes the poker, snatches up a broom,
The fire-tongs too, and oftentimes the bellows,
With which she licks the servant-men.

Friar.
Poor fellows!

Nurse.
And then on Romeo all at once she calls,
Then has a fit, and on the carpet falls.

Romeo.
I'll cut my throat; I will!

Friar.
For shame, you booby!
Thou art no man, but a poor silly looby,
Although thou'st Tibalt killed, I don't see why
Thou should'st thyself kill, and make Juliet cry:
Go to her room this night as you agreed on;
Stay a short time, and then to Mantua speed on:
There dwell awhile with patience, until I
Shall blow your marriage by a hue and cry;
The Prince will grant a pardon then, of course—
The Cryers too shall bawl till they are hoarse
In publishing the news. Nurse get thee home,
And tell thy Mistress Romeo soon will come.

Nurse.
Sir, here's my lady's garter, which she said
I was to give you ere you went to bed.

Romeo.
This gives me comfort.

Friar.
Mantua must be
Thy dwelling place a month or two, d'ye see:

Thy man shall bring thee letters every week.
Now let's shake hands; good night! thy mistress seek.

Romeo.
But that love's clapper knocks hard at my heart,
I really should be sorry to depart. [Exeunt. SCENE VIII. Capulet's House. Enter Capulet, Lady Capulet and Paris.

Capulet.
Things run so crossly and so much awry,
I've had no time to sound our girl.

Lady.
Nor I.

Paris.
Why to be sure, 'tis a bad time to woo her.
Madam, good night; pray give my best love to her.

Capulet.
I think, Sir Paris, she'll be ruled by me;
On Thursday next your wedding-day shall be.

Paris.
I wish this day were Thursday.

Capulet.
Well, be easy;
Thursday shall be the day—I hope 'twill please ye. (Paris having taken his leave, Capulet steps after him, and turns him round.)
I don't know if you'd wish to take or no
A glass of any thing before you go?
If you will, say so, and I'll ring the bell.

Paris.
No, not just now, I thank you.

Capulet.
Very well. [Exeunt. SCENE IX. A Garden. Enter Romeo and Juliet.

Juliet.
Now don't go yet! some saucy boy did mock
As he passed by, the crowing of the cock.

Romeo.
Indeed, my dear, no boy would thus be crowing;
It is the cock; therefore I must be going.

Juliet.
Yon light is only moonshine,—can't you see?
Then rest awhile, and have a chat with me.

Romeo.
Well, let it be exactly as you please;
I'll say 'tis moonshine,—that the moon's a cheese.—
I'll say 'tis not the cock, whose crowings loud
Ascend so high, and ring in yonder cloud:
Come death, since Juliet wills it so, no matter;
Lets kiss and toy again, and talk and chatter;
It is not day.

Juliet.
It is; more light it grows;
It is our game-cock that so loudly crows.
Prithee be jogging, Romeo.

Romeo.
Ere we part
Give me one kiss, or I shall break my heart. Enter Nurse.

Nurse.
Madam.

Juliet.
Well, what d'ye want.

Nurse.
You'll be found out,
Unless you soon sneak off, so look about;
Mistress is coming.

Juliet.
Oh! my husband dear,
Let me each hour i'th' minute from thee hear,
For in love's minutes there are hours a plenty,
At this rate, Romeo, though much under twenty,

I shall be quite a hag ere our next meeting.

Romeo.
Ten times a day, at least, I'll send thee greeting.

Juliet.
You look as pale as any holland smock.

Romeo.
And so do you, my dearest—(Cock crows.) Damn the cock!

Juliet.
Romeo, farewell!

Romeo.
Farewell!

Juliet.
Adieu!

Romeo.
Adieu!
'Tis hard that fate should part a pair so true. [Exeunt. END OF THE SECOND ACT.

ROMEO AND JULIET TRAVESTY.

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