SCENE I,
a Street before Mr. Page's House.
Enter Mrs. Page, with a Letter.
Mrs. Page.
What, have I 'scap'd love letters in
the holy-day time of my beauty, and
am I now a subject for them? let me see:
Ask me no reasons why I love you, for though love uses
Reason for his physician, he admits him not for his counsellor:
you are not young, no more am I; go to then, there's
sympathy. You are merry, so am I; ha! ha! then there's
more sympathy: you love sack, and so do I; would you
desire better sympathy? Let it suffice thee, Mistress Page, at
the least if the love of a soldier can suffice, that I love thee.
I will not say, pity me, 'tis not a soldier-like phrase; but
I say, love me.
By me, thine own true knight,
By day or night,
Or any kind of light,
With all his might,
For thee to fight.
John Falstaff.
What a Herod of Jewry is this! O wicked, wicked
world! what unweigh'd behaviour hath this Flemish
drunkard pickt out of my conversation, that he dares
-- 21 --
in this manner assay me? why, he hath not been
thrice in my company: how shall I be revenged on him?
for reveng'd I will be.
Enter Mrs. Ford* note
Mrs. Ford.
Mrs. Page, trust me, I was going to your
house.
Mrs. Page.
And trust me, I was coming to you; you
look very ill.
Mrs. Ford.
Nay, I'll ne'er believe that. I have to
shew to the contrary.
Mrs. Page.
Faith, but you do, in my mind.
Mrs. Ford.
Well, I do then; yet I say, I could shew
you to the contrary: O Mistress Page, give me some
counsel.
Mrs. Page.
What's the matter, woman?
Mrs. Ford.
O woman! if it were not for one trifling
respect, I could come to such honour.
Mrs. Page.
Hang the trifle, woman, take the honour;
what is it? dispense with trifles; what is it?
Mrs. Ford.
Why, I could be knighted.
Mrs. Page.
What! you jest.
Mrs. Ford.
We burn day-light—here, read, read,
perceive how I might be knighted: I shall think the
worse of fat men as long as I have an eye to make
difference of men's liking; and yet he would not swear,
praise women's modesty, and give such orderly and
well-behaved reproof to all uncomeliness, that I would
have sworn his disposition would have gone to the
truth of his words; but they do no more adhere and
keep place together, than the hundreth psalm to the
tune of Green sleeves. What tempest, I trow, threw this
whale ashore at Windsor? How shall I be reveng'd on
him? Did you ever hear the like?
Mrs. Page.
Letter for letter, but that the name of
Page and Ford differs. To thy great comfort in this
-- 22 --
mystery of ill opinions, here's the twin-brother of thy
letter; but let thine inherit first, for I protest mine never
shall. I warrant he hath a thousand of these letters
writ with blank spaces, for different names.
Mrs. Ford.
Why, this is the very same, the very hand,
the very words: what doth he think of us?
Mrs. Page.
Nay, I know not; it makes me almost
ready to wrangle with mine own honesty* note: I'll entertain
myself like one that I am not acquainted withal;
for sure unless he knew some strain in me, that I know
not myself, he would never have boarded me in this
fury.
Mrs. Ford.
Boarding, call it you?
Mrs. Page.
Let's be reveng'd on him, let's appoint
him a meeting, and lead him on with a fine baited delay,
till he hath pawn'd his horses to mine host of the
Garter.
Mrs. Ford.
Nay, I will consent to act any villany
against him, that may not sully the chariness of our honesty† note:
O that my husband saw this letter, it would give
eternal food to his jealousy.
Mrs. Page.
Why, look where he comes, and my good
man too: he's as far from jealousy as I am from giving
him cause, and that, I hope, is an unmeasurable distance.
Mrs. Ford.
You are the happier woman.
Mrs. Page.
Let's consult together against this greasy
knight. Come hither.
[They retire.‡ note
Enter Ford and Page.
Ford.
You heard what this knave told me, did you
not&verbar2; note?
-- 23 --
Page.
Yes; and you heard what the other told me?
Ford.
Do you think there is truth in them?
Page.
Hang 'em, slaves, I do not think the knight
would offer it; but these that accuse him in this intent
towards our wives, are a yoke of his discarded men, very
rogues now they be out of service.
Ford.
Were they his men?
Page.
Marry were they.
Ford.
I like it never the better for that.
Does he lie at the Garter?
Page.
Ay, marry does he. If he would intend his
voyage towards my wife, I would turn her loose to him;
and what he gets more of her than sharp words, let it lie
on my head.
Ford.
I do not misdoubt my wife, but I would be loth
to turn them together; a man may be too confident: I
would have nothing lie on my head; I cannot be thus
satisfy'd.
Page.
Look, where my ranting host of the Garter
comes: there is either liquor in his pate, or money in
his purse, when he looks so merrily. How now, mine
host?
Enter Host and Shallow.
Host.
How now, bully-rock? thou'rt a gentleman,
cavaliero-justice, I say.
Shal.
I follow, mine host, I follow. Good even, and
twenty, good Master Page. Master Page, will you go with
us? we have sport in hand.
Host.
Tell him, cavaliero-justice; tell him, bully-rock.
Shal.
Sir, there is a fray to be fought between Sir
Hugh, the Welsh priest, and Caius, the French doctor.
Ford.
Good mine host o'th Garter, a word with you.
Host.
What say'st thou, bully-rock?
Shal.
Will you go with us to behold it? my merry
host hath had the measuring of their weapons, and, I
think, hath appointed them contrary places; for, believe
me, I hear the parson is no jester. Hark, I will
tell you what our sport shall be.
-- 24 --
Host.
Hast thou no suit against my knight, my guest,
cavalier?
Ford.
None, I protest; but I'll give you a pottle of
burnt sack to give me recourse to him, and tell him my
name is Brook; only for a jest.
Host.
My hand, bully; thou shalt have egress and regress;
said I well? and thy name shall be Brook. It is a
merry knight. Will you go on, heris* note?
Shal.
Have with you, mine host.
Page.
I have heard the Frenchman hath good skill in
his rapier.
Shal.
Tut, sir, I could have told you more; in these
times you stand on distance, your passes, stoccado's, and
I know not what: 'tis the heart, Master Page; 'tis here,
'tis here. I have seen the time, with my long sword, I
† notewould have made you four tall fellows skip like rats.
Host.
Here, boys, here, here; shall we wag?
Page.
Have with you; I had rather hear them scold,
than fight.
[Exeunt Host, Shallow, and Page.
Ford.
Though Page be a secure fool, and stands so firmly
on his wife's fealty, yet I cannot put off my opinion
so easily. She was in his company, at Page's house,
and what they made there I know not. Well, I will
look further into't; and I have a disguise to sound
Falstaff: If I find her honest, I lose not my labour; if
she be otherwise, 'tis labour well bestowed.
[Exit.
SCENE II,
the Garter-Inn.
Enter Falstaff, Pistol, and Nym.
Fal.
I will not lend thee a penny.
Pist.
Why then the world's mine oyster, which I with
sword will open.—I will retort the sum in equipage‡ note.
Fal.
Not a penny. I have been content, sir, you
should lay my countenance to pawn; I have grated
-- 25 --
upon my good friends for three reprieves for you, and
your couch-fellow, Nym; or else you had look'd through
the grate, like* note a geminy of baboons. I am damn'd
in hell for swearing to gentlemen, my friends, you
were good soldiers, and tall fellows. And when Mrs.
Bridget lost the handle of her fan, I took't upon mine
honour thou hadst it not.
Pist.
Didst thou not share? Hadst thou not fifteen-pence?
Fal.
Reason, you rogue, reason: think'st thou I'll endanger
my soul gratis? At a word; hang no more about
me, I am no gibbet for you: go, you'll not bear a letter
for me, you rogue; you stand upon your honour?
why, thou unconfinable baseness, it is as much as I
can do to keep the term of my honour precise. I, I, I
myself, sometimes, leaving the fear of Heaven on the
left hand, and hiding mine honour in my necessity, am
fain to shuffle, to hedge, and to lurch; and yet you
rogue will ensconse your rags, your cat-a-mountain
looks, your† note red lattice phrases, and your bold-beating
oaths, under the shelter of your honour! You will not
do it, you!
Enter Robin.
Rob.
Sir, here's a woman would speak with you.
Fal.
Let her approach.
Enter Mistress Quickly.
Quic.
Give your worship good-morrow.
Fal.
Good-morrow, good wife.
Quic.
Not so, an't please your worship.
Fal.
Good maid, then.
Quic.
I'll be sworn,
As my mother was, the first hour I was born.
Fal.
I do believe thee: what would'st thou with me.
Quic.
Shall I vouchsafe your worship a word or two?
-- 26 --
Fal.
Two thousand, fair woman, and I'll vouchsafe
thee the hearing.
Quic.
There is one Mistress Ford, sir; I pray come a
little nearer this ways: I myself dwell with Mr. Doctor
Caius.
Fal.
Well on—Mrs. Ford, you say.
Quic.
Your worship says very true: I pray your worship
come a little nearer this ways.
Fal.
I warrant thee nobody hears: mine own people,
mine own people.
Quic.
Are they so? Heav'n bless them, and make
them his servants!
[Exeunt Pistol and Nym.
Fal.
Well: Mrs. Ford—what of her?
Quic.
Why, sir, she's a good creature. Lord, lord,
your worship's a wanton; well, heav'n forgive you, and
all of us, I pray—
Fal.
Mistress Ford, come, Mistress Ford—
Quic.
Marry this is the short and the long of it; you
have brought her into such a canaries* note, as 'tis wonderful:
the best courtier of them all, when the court lay at
Windsor, could never have brought her to such a canary.
Yet there has been knights and lords, and gentlemen,
with their coaches; I warrant you, coach after coach,
letter after letter, gift after gift, smelling so sweetly; all
musk! and so rusling, I warrant you, in silk and gold;
and in such alligant terms, and in such wine and sugar
of the best, and the fairest, that would have won any
woman's heart; and, I warrant you, they could never
get an eye-wink of her. I had myself twenty angels
given me, this morning; but I defy all angels, in any
such sort as they say, but in the way of honesty; and, I
warrant you, they could never get her so much as sip in
a cup with the proudest of them all; and yet there has
been earls, nay, which is more, pensioners: but, I
warrant you, all is one with her† note.
-- 27 --
Fal.
But what says she to me? be brief, my good she
Mercury?
Quic.
Marry, she hath received your letter, for the
which she thanks you a thousand times; and she gives
you to notify, that her husband will be absence from his
house, between ten and eleven.
Fal.
Ten and eleven.
Quic.
Ay, forsooth; and then you may come and see
the picture, she says, that you wot of: Master Ford, her
husband, will be from home. Alas! the sweet woman
leads an ill life with him, he's a very jealousy man; she
leads a very frampold* note life with him, good heart!
Fal.
Ten and eleven; woman, commend me to her;
I will not fail her.
Quic.
Why you say well: But I have another messenger
to your worship; Mrs. Page has her hearty commendations
to you, too; and let me tell you in your ear,
she's as fartuous a civil-modest wife, and one (I tell you)
that will not miss your morning and evening prayer† note, as
any is in Windsor, whoe'er be the other; and she bad me
tell your worship that her husband is seldom from home,
but she hopes there will come a time. I never knew a
woman so doat upon a man; surely, I think, you have
charms, la; yes, in truth.
Fal.
Not I, I assure thee; setting the attraction of my
good parts aside, I have no other charms.
Quic.
Blessing on your heart for't!
Fal.
But, I pray thee, tell me this; has Ford's wife and
Page's wife acquainted each other how they love me?
Quic.
That were a jest indeed; they have not so little
grace, I hope; that were a trick indeed! But
Mistress Page would desire you to send her your little
page, of all loves: Her husband has a marvellous infection
to the little page; and truly Master Page is a
very honest man. Never a wife in Windsor leads a
-- 28 --
better life than she does; do what she will, say what
she will, take all, pay all, go to bed when she list, rise
when she list, all is as she will; and truly she deserves
it, for if there be a kind woman in Windsor, truly she
is one. You must send her your page—no remedy.
Fal.
Why, I will.
Quic.
Nay, but do so then; and, look you, he may
come and go between you both; and in any case, have
a nay-word, that you may know one another's mind,
and the boy never need to understand any thing; for
'tis not good that children should know any wickedness:
old folks, you know, have discretion, as they say, and
know the world.
Fal.
Fare thee well; commend me to them both:
there's my purse, I am thy debtor. Boy, go along
with this woman. This news distracts me.
[Exit Quic. and Robin.
Say'st thou so, old Jack? go thy ways; I'll
make more of thy old body than I have done; will
they yet look after thee? wilt thou, after the expence
of so much time and money, be now a gainer? Good
body, I thank thee; let them say, 'tis grosly done, so
it be fairly done, no matter.
Enter Bardolph.
Bard
Sir John, there's one Master Brook below would
fain speak with you, and be acquainted with you; and
hath sent your worship a morning's draught of sack.
Fal.
Brook is his name?
Bard.
Ay, Sir.
Fal.
Call him in—[Exit Bard.] Such Brooks are
welcome to me, that o'erflow with such liquor. Ah!
ha! Mistress Ford, and Mistress Page, have I encompass'd
you? Go to, via.
Enter Ford disguis'd, and Bardolph.
Ford.
Bless you, sir.
Fal.
And you, sir; would you speak with me?
-- 29 --
Ford.
I make bold to press with so little preparation
upon you.
Fal.
You're welcome; what's your will? give us.
leave, Bardolph.
[Exit Bard.
Ford.
Sir, I am a gentleman that have spent much;
my name is Brook.
Fal.
Good Master Brook, I desire more acquaintance
of you.
Ford.
Good Sir John, I sue for yours; not to charge
you; for I must let you understand, I think myself in
better plight for a lender, than you are, the which hath
something embolden'd me to this unseason'd intrusion;
for they say, if money go before, all ways do lie open.
Fal.* note
Money is a good soldier, sir, and will on.
Ford.
Troth, and I have a bag of money here troubles
me; if you will help me to bear it, Sir John, take all, or
half, for easing me of the carriage.
Fal.
Sir, I know not how I may deserve to be your
porter.
Ford.
I will tell you, sir, if you will give me the hearing.
Fal.
Speak, good Mr. Brook; I shall be glad to be your
servant.
Ford.
Sir, I hear you are a scholar—I will be brief
with you—and you have been a man long known to me,
though I had never so good means as desire to make myself
acquainted with you: I shall discover a thing to
you, wherein I must very much lay open mine own imperfections;
but, good Sir John, as you have one eye
upon my follies, as you hear them unfolded, turn another
into the register of your own, that I may pass with
a reproof the easier, sith you yourself know how easy it
is to be such an offender.
Fal.
Very well: Sir, proceed.
Ford.
There is a gentlewoman in this town, her husband's
name is Ford.
-- 30 --
Fal.
Well, sir.
Ford.
I have long lov'd her, and, I protest to you,
bestowed much upon her, follow'd her with a doting
observance, ingross'd opportunities to meet her, fee'd
every slight occasion that could but niggardly give me
sight of her; not only bought many presents to give
her, but have given largely to many, to know what she
would have given: briefly, I have pursued her, as love
hath pursued me, which hath been on the wing of all
occasions. But whatsoever I have merited, either in my
mind, or in my means, meed* note I am sure I have received
none, unless experience be a jewel; that I have purchased
at an infinite rate, and that hath taught me to say this;
“Love like a shadow flies, when substance love pursues;
“Pursuing that, that flies, and flying what pursues† note.”
Fal.
Have you receiv'd no promise of satisfaction at
her hands?
Ford.
Never.
Fal.
Have you importun'd her to such a purpose?
Ford.
Never.
Fal.
Of what quality was your love, then?
Ford.
Like a fair house built on another man's
ground; so that I have lost my edifice, by mistaking the
place where I erected it.
Fal.
To what purpose have you unfolded this to me?
Ford.
When I have told you that, I have told you all:
some say, that though she appear honest to me, yet in
other places she enlargeth her mirth so far, that there is
shrewd construction made of her. Now, Sir John, here
is the heart of my purpose: you are a gentleman of excellent
breeding, admirable discourse, of great admittance,
authentic in your place and person, generally allowed
for your many war-like, court-like, and learned
preparations.
Fal.
O, sir!
-- 31 --
Ford.
Believe it, for you know it; there is money;
spend it, spend it; spend more, spend all I have, only
give me so much of your time in exchange of it, as to
lay an amiable siege to the honesty of this Ford's wife;
use your art of wooing, win her to consent to you; if
any man may, you may, as soon as any.
Fal.
Would it apply well to the vehemence of your
affection, that I should win what you would enjoy? Methinks
you prescribe to yourself very preposterously.
Ford.
O, understand my drift; she dwells so securely
on the excellency of her honour, that the folly of my
soul dares not present itself; she is too bright to be
look'd against. Now could I come to her with any detection
in my hand, my desires had instance and argument
to commend themselves; I could drive her then
from the ward of her purity, her reputation, her marriage-vow,
and a thousand other her defences, which
now are too strongly embatteled against me. What say
you to't, Sir John?
Fal.
Master Brook, I will first make bold with your
money; next, give me your hand; and last, as I am a
gentleman, you shall, if you will, enjoy Ford's wife* note.
Ford.
O, good sir!
Fal.
I say you shall.
Ford.
Want no money, Sir John, you shall want
none.
Fal.
Want no Mistress Ford, Master Brook, you shall
want none; I shall be with her, I may tell you, by her
own appointment. Even as you came in to me, her
assistant, or go-between, parted from me; I say I shall be
with her, between ten and eleven; for at that time the
jealous rascally knave, her husband, will be forth; come
you to me, at night, you shall know how I speed.
Ford.
I am blest in your acquaintance: do you know
Ford, sir?
-- 32 --
Fal.
Hang him, poor cuckoldly knave, I know him
not: yet I wrong him to call him poor; they say the
jealous wittolly knave hath masses of money, for the
which his wife seems to me well favour'd. I will use
her as the key of the cuckoldly rogue's coffer, and there's
my harvest-home.
Ford.
I would you knew Ford, sir, that you might
avoid him if you saw him.
Fal.
Hang him, mechanical salt-butter rogue; I will
stare him out of his wits; I will awe him with my
cudgel; it shall hang like a meteor o'er the cuckold's
horns; Master Brook, thou shalt know I will predominate
over the peasant, and thou shalt lie with his wife; come
to me soon at night; Ford's a knave, and I'll aggravate
his stile: thou, Master Brook, shalt know him for a
knave and cuckold: come to me soon at night.
[Exit.
Ford.* note
What a damn'd Epicurean rascal is this! My
heart is ready to crack with impatience. Who says
this is improvident jealousy? My wife hath sent to him,
the hour is fix'd, the match is made. Would any man
have thought this? See the hell of having a false woman!
My bed shall be abused, my coffers ransacked, my
reputation gnawn at; and I shall not only receive this
villainous wrong, but stand under the adoption of abominable
terms, and by him that does me the wrong. Terms,
names; Amaimon sounds well, Lucifer well, Barbason
well, yet they are devil's additions, the names of fiends;
but cuckold, wittol, cuckold! the devil himself hath not
such a name. Page is an ass, a secure ass, he will trust
his wife; he will not be jealous; I will rather trust a
Fleming with my butter; parson Hugh, the Welchman,
with my cheese; an Irishman with my Aquavitæ bottle;
or a thief to walk my ambling gelding; than my wife
with herself: then she plots, then she ruminates, then
she devises; and what they think in their hearts they
may effect, they will break their hearts but they will
-- 33 --
effect. Heaven be praised for my jealousy! Eleven
o'clock the hour; I will prevent this, detect my wife, be
revenged on Falstaff, and laugh at Page: I will about
it; better three hours too soon, than a minute too late.
Fy, fy, fy; cuckold, cuckold, cuckold; O, the devil!
[Exit.
SCENE III.
Windsor Park.
Enter Caius and Rugby.
Caius.
Jack Rugby.
Rug.
Sir.
Caius.
Vat is de clock, Jack.
Rug.
'Tis past the hour, sir, that Sir Hugh promised
to meet.
Caius.
By gar, he has save his soul, dat he is no come;
he has pray his pible well, dat he is no come: by gar,
Jack Rugby, he is dead already, if he be come.
Rug.
He is wise, sir; he knew your worship would
kill him if he came.
Caius.
By gar, de herring is not so dead as me vill
make him; take your rapier, Jack, I vill tell you how
I vill kill him.
Rug.
Alas, sir, I cannot fence.
Caius.
Villany; take your rapier.
Rug.
Forbear; here's company.
Enter Host, Shallow, Slender, and Page.
Host.
'Bless thee, Bully-doctor.
Shal.
Save you, Mr. Doctor Caius.
Page.
Now, good Mr. Doctor.
Slen.
Give you good-morrow, sir.
Caius.
Vat be all you, one, two, tree, four, come for?
Host.
To see thee fight, to see the foigne, to see the
traverse, to see the here, to see the there, to see the pass
by puncto, thy stock, thy reverse, thy distance, thy
montant. Is he dead, my Ethiopian? Is he dead, my
Francisco? Ha, bully! What says my Æsculapius? My
-- 34 --
Galen? my heart of elder? Ha! is he dead, bully-stale
Is he dead* note?
Caius.
By gar, he is de coward Jack priest of de vorld;
he is not show his face.
Host.
Thou art a Castalian King Urinal: Hector of
Greece, my boy.
Caius.
I pray you bear witness, that me have stay six
or seven, two, tree hours, for him, and he is no come.
Shal.
He is a wiser man, Mr. Doctor; he is a curer
of souls, and you are a curer of bodies: if you should
fight, you go against the hair of your professions: Is it
not true, Master Page?
Page.
Master Shallow, you have yourself been a great
fighter, tho' now a man of peace.
Shal.
Body-kins, Mr. Page, tho' I now be old, and of
peace, if I see a sword out, my finger itches to make
one; tho' we are justices, and doctors, and church-men,
Mr. Page, we have some salt of our youth in us; we are
the sons of women, Mr. Page.
Page.
'Tis true, Mr. Shallow.
Shal.
It will be found so, Mr. Page. Mr. Dr. Caius,
I am come to fetch you home; I am sworn of the
peace; you have shewed yourself a wise physician,
and Sir Hugh hath shewn himself a wise and patient
church-man: you must go with me, Mr. Doctor.
Host.
Pardon, guest-justice; a word, Monsieur Mock-water.
Caius.
Mock-vater? Vat is dat?
Host.
Mock-water, in our English Tongue, is valour,
bully.
Caius.
By gar, then I have as much mock-vater as
de scurvy jack-dog-priest; by gar me will cut his
ears.
Host.
He will clapper-claw thee tightly, bully.
Caius.
Clapper de-claw? Vat is dat† note?
-- 35 --
Host.
That is, he will make thee amends.
Caius.
By gar me do look he shall clapper-de-claw
me; for by gar, me vill have it.
Host.
And I will provoke him to't, or let him wag.
Caius.
Me tank you for dat.
Host.
And moreover, bully; but first, Mr. Guest, and
Mr. Page, and eke Cavalerio Slender, go you through the
town to Frogmore.
Page.
Sir Hugh is there, is he?
Host.
He is there; see what humour he is in; and I
will bring the doctor about the fields: will it do well?
Shal.
We will do it.
All.
Adieu, good Mr. Doctor.
[Exit Page, Shal. and Slen.
Caius.
By gar, me vill kill de priest; for he speak for
a jack-an ape to Anne Page.
Host.
Sheath thy impatience; throw cold water on
thy choler; go about the fields with me through Frogmore;
I will bring thee where Mistress Anne Page is,
at a farm-house a feasting, and thou shalt woo her:
said I well?
Caius.
By gar, me tank you vor dat! by gar, I love
you; and I will procure 'a you de good guest; de earl,
de knight, de lords, de gentlemen, my patients.
Host.
For the which I will be thy adversary toward
Anne Page: said I well?
Caius.
By gar, 'tis good; vell said.
Host.
Let us wag, then.
Caius.
Come at my heels, Jack Rugby.
[Exeunt.* note
-- 36 --
John Bell [1774], Bell's Edition of Shakespeare's Plays, As they are now performed at the Theatres Royal in London; Regulated from the Prompt Books of each House By Permission; with Notes Critical and Illustrative; By the Authors of the Dramatic Censor (Printed for John Bell... and C. Etherington [etc.], York) [word count] [S10401].
