Hugh Evans.
* noteShal.
Sir Hugh, persuade me not; I will make a
Star-Chamber matter of it: if he were twenty
Sir John Falstaff's, he shall not abuse Robert Shallow,
Esquire.
Slen.
In the county of Gloucester, justice of peace, and Coram.
Shal.
Ay, cousin Slender, and Custalorum.
Slen.
Ay, and Rotulorum too; and a gentleman born,
Master Parson, who writes himself Armigero, to any bill,
warrant, quittance, or obligation—Armigero.
Shal.
Ay, that I do, and have done, any time these
three hundred years.
Slen.
All his successors, gone before him, have done't:
and all his ancestors, that come after him, may: they
may give the dozen white Luces, in their coat.
Shal.
It is an old coat.
Eva.
The dozen white Lowses† note do become an old
coat well; it agrees well Passant; it is a familiar beast
to man, and signifies love.
Slen.
I may quarter, coz.
Shal.
You may, by marrying.
-- 6 --
Eva.
It is marring indeed, if he quarter it.
Shal.
Not a whit.
Eva.
Yes, per lady; if he has a quarter of your coat,
there is but three skirts for yourself, in my simple conjectures;
but that is all one: if Sir John Falstaff have
committed disparagements upon you, I am of the church,
and will be glad to do my benevolence, to make atonements
and compromises between you.
Shal.
The council shall hear it; it is a riot.
Eva.
It is not meet the council hear of a riot; there
is no fear of Got in a riot: the council, look you, shall
desire to hear the fear of Got, and not to hear a riot;
take your vizaments in that* note.
Shal.
Ha! o' my life, if I were young again, the
sword should end it.
Eva.
It is petter that friends is the sword should end
it; and there is also another device in my prain, which
peradventure prings good discretions with it: there is
Anne Page, which is daughter to Master George Page,
which is pretty virginity.
Slen.
Mrs. Anne Page? she has brown hair, and speaks
small, like a woman.
Eva.
It is that ferry person for all the orld, as just as
you will desire: and seven hundred pounds of monies,
and gold, and silver, as her grandsire upon his death-bed
give her, when she is able to overtake seventeen years
old: it were a good motion, if we leave our pribbles
and prabbles, and desire a marriage between Master
Abraham Slender, and Mistress Anne Page.
Slen.
Did her grandsire leave her seven hundred
pounds!
Eva.
Ay, and her father is make her a petter penny.
Slen.
I know the young gentlewoman: she has good
gifts.
Eva.
Seven hundred pounds and possibilities is goot
gifts.
Shal.
Well; let us see honest Mr. Page; is Falstaff
there?
-- 7 --
* noteEva.
Shall I tell you a lye? I do despise a lyar, as
I do despise one that is false; as I despise one that is not
true. The knight, Sir John, is there: and I beseech
you be ruled by your well wishers. I will peat the
door [Knocks.] for Master Page. What, hoa! Got
bless your house here.
Enter Mr. Page.
Page.
Who's there?
Eva.
Here's Got's plessing and your friend, and
Justice Shallow; and here's young Master Slender, that
peradventure shall tell you another tale, if matters grow
to your likings.
Page.
I am glad to see your worship's well: I thank
you for my venison, Master Shallow.
Shal.
Master Page, I am glad to see you: much good
do it your good heart; I wish'd your venison better; it
was ill kill'd. How doth good Mistress Page? And I
thank you always with my heart, la; with my heart.
Is Sir John Falstaff here?
Page.
Sir, he's within; and I would I could do a good
office between you!
Eva.
It is spoke as a Christians ought to speak.
Shal.
He hath wrong'd me, Master Page.
Page.
Sir, he doth in some sort confess it.
Shal.
If it be confess'd, it is not redress'd; is not that
so, Master Page? He hath wrong'd me, indeed he hath,
at a word he hath: believe me, Robert Shallow, Esquire,
saith, he is wrong'd† note.
Page.
Here comes Sir John.
‡ noteEnter Sir John Falstaff, Bardolph, Nym, and Pistol.
Fal.
Now, Master Shallow, you'll complain of me to
the king?
-- 8 --
Shal.
Knight, you have beaten my men, kill'd my
deer, and broke open my lodge.
Fal.
But not kiss'd your keeper's daughter.
Shal.
Tut, a pin; this shall be answer'd.
Fal.
I will answer it, straight; I have done all this.
That is now answer'd.
Shal.
The council shall know this.
Fal.
'Twere better for you, if it were not known in
council; you'll be laugh'd at.
Eva.
Pauca verba, Sir John, good worts.
Fal.
Good worts? Good cabbage. Slender, I broke
your head: what matter have you against me?
Slen.
Marry, sir, I have matter in my head against
you, and against your coney-catching rascals, Bardolph,
Nym, and Pistol.
Bar.
You Banbury cheese.
Slen.
Ay, it is no matter.
Pist.
How now, Mephostophilus?
Slen.
Ay, it is no matter.
Nym.
Slice, I say, pauca, pauca: Slice, that's my
humour.
Slen.
Where's Simple, my man? Can you tell, cousin?
Eva.
Peace, I pray you; now let us understand;
there is three umpires in this matter, as I understand;
that is Master Page, fidelicet, Master Page; and there is
myself, fidelicet, myself; and the third party is, lastly,
and finally, mine host of the Garter.
Mr. Page.
We three to hear it, and end it between
them.
Eva.
Ferry goot: I will make a prief of it in my
note book, and we will afterwards ork upon the cause
with as great discretions as we can.
Fal.
Pistol.
Pist.
He hears with ears.
Eva.
The tevil and his tam; what phrase is this, he
hears with ears? Why it is affectations.
Fal.
Pistol, did you pick Master Slender's purse?
Slen.
Ay, by these gloves, did he, or I would I might
never come in mine own great chamber again else, of
seven groats in mill-sixpences, and two Edward shovel-boards,
-- 9 --
that cost me two shilling and two pence a-piece,
of Yead Miller; by these gloves.
Fal.
Is this true, Pistol?
Eva.
No; it is false, if it is a pick-purse.
Pist.
Ha! thou mountain foreigner; Sir John, and
Master mine, I combat challenge of this Latin bilbo;
word of denial in thy labras* note here; word of denial;
froth and scum, thou ly'st.
Slen.
By these gloves, then, 'twas he.
Nym.
Be advis'd, sir, and pass good humours: I will
say marry-trap with you, if you run the base humour on
me; that is the very note of it† note.
Slen.
By this hat, then, he in the red face had it; for
tho' I cannot remember what I did when you made me
drunk, yet I am not altogether an ass.
Fal.
What say you, Scarlet and John?
Bard.
Why, sir, for my part, I say, the gentleman
had drunk himself out of his five sentences.
Eva.
It is his five senses: fye, what the ignorance is.
Bard.
And being fap, sir, was, as they say, cashier'd,
and so conclusions past the carriers.
Slen.
Ay, you spoke in Latin then too; but 'tis no
matter; I'll ne'er be drunk whilst I live again, but in
honest, civil, godly company, for this trick; and not
with drunken knaves.
Eva.
So got udge me, that is a virtuous mind.
Fal.
You hear all these matters deny'd, gentlemen,
you hear it.
Enter Mrs. Anne Page, with wine.
Page.
Nay, daughter, carry the wine in; we'll drink
within.
[Exit Anne Page.
Slen.
Oh heaven! this is Mistress Anne Page.
-- 10 --
Enter Mistress Ford and Mistress Page, meeting.
Page.
How now, Mistress Ford?
Fal.
Mistress Ford, by my troth, you are very well
met; by your leave, Mistress Ford.
Page.
Wife, bid these gentlemen welcome; come,
we have a hot venison pasty to dinner; come, gentlemen,
I hope we shall drink down all unkindness.
[Exit Falstaff, Page, &c.
Manent Shallow, Evans, and Slender.
Slen.
I had rather than forty shillings, I had my book
of songs and sonnets here.
Enter Simple.
How, now Simple, where have you been? I must wait on
myself, must I? you have not the book of riddles about
you, have you?
Simp.
Book of riddles! why, did you not lend it to
Alice Short-cake, upon Allhallowmas last, a fortnight afore
Martlemas?
Shal.
Come, coz; come, coz; we stay for you: a
word with you, coz: marry this, coz; there is, as 'twere,
a tender, a kind of tender, made afar off, by Sir Hugh
here: do you understand me?
Slen.
Ay, sir, you shall find me reasonable; if it be so,
I will do that is reason.
Shal.
Nay, but understand me.
Slen.
So I do, sir.
Eva.
Give ear to his motions, Mr. Slender: I will
description the matter to you, if you be capacity of it.
Slen.
Nay, I will do as my cousin Shallow says: I pray
you, pardon me: he's a justice of peace in his country,
simple tho' I stand here.
Eva.
But that is not the question: the question is
concerning your marriage.
Shal.
Ay, there's the point, sir.
Slen.
Why, if it be so, I will marry her, upon any reasonable
demands.
-- 11 --
Eva.
But can you affection the 'oman? let us command
to know that of your mouth, or of your lips: for
divers* note philosophers hold that the lips is parcel of the
mouth: therefore, precisely, can you carry your good
will to the maid?
Shal.
Cousin Abraham Slender, can you love her?
Slen.
I hope, sir, I will do as it shall become one
that would do reason.
Eva.
Nay, Got's lords and his ladies! you must speak
possitable, if you can carry her your desires towards
her.
Shal.
That you must:
Will you, upon good dowry, marry her?
Slen.
I will do a greater thing than that, upon your
request, cousin, in any reason.
Shal.
Nay, conceive me, conceive me, sweet coz;
what I do, is to pleasure you, coz: can you love the
maid?
Slen.
I will marry her, sir, at your request: but if
there be no great love in the begining, yet heaven may
decrease it upon better acquaintance, when we are married
and have more occasion to know one another; I
hope upon familiarity will grow more contempt. But
if you say, marry her, I will marry her, that I am freely
dissolved, and dissolutely† note.
Eva.
It is a ferry discretion answer; save, the fault
is in th' ort dissolutely: the ort is, according to our
meaning, resolutely; his meaning is goot.
Shal.
Ay, I think my cousin meant well.
Slen.
Ay, or else I would I might be hang'd, la.
Enter Mistress Anne Page.
Shal.
Here comes fair Mistress Anne. Would I were
young, for your sake, Mistress Anne!
-- 12 --
Anne.
The dinner is on the table; my father desires
your Worship's company.
Shal.
I will wait on him, fair Mistress Anne.
Eva.
Od's plessed will, I will not be absence at the
grace.
[Exeunt Shallow and Evans.
Anne.
Will't please your worship to come in, sir?
Slen.
No, I thank you forsooth, heartily, I am very
well.
Anne.
The dinner attends you, sir.
Slen.
I am not an hungry, I thank you, forsooth: go,
sirrah, for all you are my man, go wait upon my cousin
Shallow. [Exit Simple.] A justice of peace sometime
may be beholden to his friend for a man. I keep but
three men and a boy yet, till my mother be dead; but
what tho', yet I live a poor gentleman born.
Anne.
I may not go in without your Worship; they
will not sit, till you come.
Slen.
I'faith, I'll eat nothing; I thank you as much
as though I did.
Anne.
I pray you, sir, walk in.
Slen.* note
I had rather walk here, I thank you; I bruis'd
my shin th'other day, with playing at sword and dagger,
with a master of fence, three veneys† note for a dish of
stewed prunes, and by my troth, I cannot abide the smell
of hot meat, since. Why do your dogs bark so? be
there bears i'th' town?
Anne.
I think there are, sir, I heard them talk'd of.
Slen.
I love the sport well, but I shall as soon quarrel
at it, as any man in England. You are afraid, if you see
the bear loose, are you not?
Anne.
Ay, indeed, sir.
Slen.
That's meat and drink to me, now; I have seen
Sackerson loose, twenty times, and have taken him by the
chain; but, I warrant you, the women have so cry'd and
shriekt at it, that it past: but women, indeed, cannot
abide 'em; they are very ill-favour'd rough things.
-- 13 --
Enter Mr. Page.
Page.
Come, gentle Mr. Slender, come; we stay for
you.
Slen.
I'll eat nothing, I thank you, sir.
Page.
By cock and pye, you shall not choose, sir;
come, come.
Slen.
Nay, pray you lead the way.
Page.
Come on, sir.
[Exit Page.
Slen.
Mistress Anne, yourself shall go first.
Anne.
Not I, sir; pray you keep on.
Slen.
Truly, I will not go first, truly-la: I will not do
you that wrong.
Anne.
I pray you, sir.
Slen.
I'll rather be unmannerly, than troublesome;
you do yourself wrong, indeed-la.
[Exeunt.
SCENE II.
Re-enter Evans and Simple.
Eva.
Go your ways, and ask of Doctor Caius' house
which is the way; and there dwells one Mistress
Quickly, which is in the manner of his nurse; or his dry
nurse, or his cook, or his laundry, his washer, and his
wringer.
Simp.
Well, sir.
Eva.
Nay, it is petter yet; give her this letter; for
it is a'omen that altagether's acquaintance with Mistress
Anne Page, and the letter is to desire and require her to
solicit your master's desires to Mrs. Anne Page: I pray
you be gone; I will make an end of my dinner: there's
pippins and cheese to come.
[Exeunt severally.
SCENE III,
the Garter Inn.
Enter Falstaff, meeting Nym, Pistol, and Robin.
* noteFal.
Which of you know Ford, of this town?
-- 14 --
Pist.
I ken the wight, he is of substance good.
Fal.
My honest lads, what think you I am about.
Pist.
Two yards and more.
Fal.
No quips now, Pistol: Indeed I am in the waste
two yards about; but I am now about no waste, I am
about thrift. Briefly, I do mean to make love to Ford's
wife; I spy entertainment in her; she discourses, she
carves, she gives the leer of invitation; I can construe
the action of her familiar stile, and the hardest
voice of her behaviour, to be english'd right, is, I am
Sir John Falstaff's.
Pist.
He hath study'd her well, and translated her will,
out of honesty into English.
Fal.
Now the report goes, she has all the rule of her
husband's purse: he hath a legion of angels.
Nym.
The humour rises; it is good; humour me the
angels.
Fal.
I have writ me here a letter to her; and here
another to Page's wife, who even now gave me willing
eyes too, examin'd my parts; sometimes she kindly
view'd my goodly legs, sometimes my portly belly.
Pist.
Then did the sun on dunghill shine.
Nym.
I thank thee for that humour.
Fal.
O she did so course o'er my exteriors with such
a greedy intention, that the appetite of her eye did seem
to scorch me up like a burning-glass: here's another
letter to her; she bears the purse too; she is a region
in Guiana, all gold and bounty. I will be cheater to
them both, and they shall be exchequers to me; they
shall be my East and West Indies, and I will trade to
them both. Go, bear thou this letter to Mrs. Page,
and thou this to Mistress Ford: we will thrive, lads,
we will thrive* note.
Pist.
Shall I Sir Pandarus of Troy become;
And by my side wear steel? Then, Lucifer, take all!
Nym.
I will run no base humour: here take the
-- 15 --
humour letter, I will keep the 'haviour of reputation* note.
Fal.
Here, boy, bear you these letters as they are
directed.
[To Robin.
Sail like my pinnace to these golden shores.
Rogues, hence, avaunt, vanish like hail stones; go.
Trudge, plod away o'th'hoof, seek shelter, pack:
Falstaff will learn the humour of the age.
French thrift, you rogues, myself, and skirted Page.
[Exit Fal. and Boy.
Pist.
Let vultures gripe thy guts; for gord and
† notefullam holds: and high and low beguiles the rich and
poor. Tester I'll have in pouch, when thou shalt lack,
base Phrygian Turk.
Nym.
I have operations in my head,
Which be humours of revenge.
Pist.
Wilt thou revenge?
Nym.
By welkin and her star.
Pist.
With wit, or steel?
Nym.
With both the humours, I:
I will discuss the humour of this love, to Ford.
Pist.
And I to Page shall eke unfold
How Falstaff, varlet vile,
His dove will prove, his gold will hold,
And his soft couch defile.
Nym.
My humour shall not cool; I will incense Ford
to deal with poison. I will possess him with yellowness,
for the revolt of mien is dangerous: that is
my true humour.
Pist.
Thou art the Mars of male-contents: I second
thee; troop on.
[Exeunt.
SCENE IV,
Doctor Caius' House.
Enter Mistress Quickly, Simple, and John Rugby.
Quick.
What, John Rugby! I pray thee go to the
casement, and see if you can see my master, master
-- 16 --
doctor Caius, coming; if he do, I'faith, and find any
body in the house, here will be an old abusing of
heav'n's patience, and the king's English.
Rug.
I'll go watch.
[Exit Rugby.
Quic.
Go, we'll have a posset for't soon at night, in
faith, at the latter end of a sea-coal fire: an honest,
willing, kind fellow, as ever servant shall come in house
withal, and I warrant you no tell-tale, nor no breedbate* note;
his worst fault is, that he is given to canting;
he is something peevish that way; but nobody but
has his fault; but let that pass. Peter Simple you say
your name is.
Simp.
Ay, for fault of a better.
Quic.
And, master Slender's your master?
Simp.
Ay, forsooth.
Quic.
Does he not wear a great round beard, like a
glover's paring-knife?
Simp.
No, forsooth; he hath but a little wee face,
with a little yellow beard, a Cain-colour'd beard.
Quic.
A softly-sprighted man, is he not?
Simp.
Ay, forsooth; but he is as tall a man of his
hands, as any is between this and his head: he hath
fought with a warrener.
Quic.
How say you? Oh, I should remember him;
does he not hold up his head, as it were, and strut in
his gait?
Simp.
Yes, indeed, does he.
Quic.
Well, heav'n send Anne Page no worse fortune.
Tell master parson Evans I will do what I can for
your master: Anne is a good girl, and I wish—
Enter Rugby.
Rug.
Out, alas! here comes my master.
Quic.
We shall all be undone; run in here, good
young man; go into this closet; [shuts Simple in the
closet.] He will not stay long. What, John Rugby!
John! What John, I say; go John, go inquire for
my master, I doubt he be not well, that he comes
not home; and down, down, down a, &c.
[Sings.
-- 17 --
Enter Doctor Caius* note.
Caius.
Vat is you sing? I do not like des toys; pray
you go and vetch me in my closet, un boitier verd; a box,
a green-a-box; do intend vat I speak? a green-a-box.
Quic.
Ay, forsooth, I'll fetch it you.
I am glad he went not in himself; if he had found
the man, he would have been horn-mad.
[Aside.
Caius.
Fe, fe, fe, fe, ma foi. Il fait fort chaud, je
me'n vaie a la Cour—la grande affaire.
Quic.
Is it this, Sir?
Caius.
Ouy, mette le au mon pocket, depech, quickly:
Ver is dat knave Rugby?
Quic.
What, John Rugby! John!
Rug.
Here, Sir.
Caius.
You are John Rugby, and you are Jack Rugby;
come, take-a your rapier, and come after my heel to
the court.
Rug.
'Tis ready, sir, here in the porch.
Caius.
By my trot I tarry too long, Od's me Qu'ay je
oublie: dere is some simples in my closet, dat I vil not
for the varld I shall leave behind.
Quic.
Ay me, he'll find the young man there, and be
mad.
Caius.
O Diable, Diable; vat is in my closet?
Villaine, Larron, Rugby! my rapier.
[Pulls Simple out of the closet.
Quic.
Good master, be content.
Caius.
Wherefore should I be content-a?
Quic.
The young man is an honest man.
Caius.
What shall de honest man do in my closet?
dere is no honest man dat shall come in my closet.
Quic.
I beseech you be not so phlegmatic; hear the
truth of it. He came of an errand to me from parson
Hugh.
Caius.
Vell.
-- 18 --
Simp.
Ay forsooth, to desire her to—
Quic.
Peace, I pray you.
Caius.
Peace a your tongue, speak a your tale.
Simp.
To desire this honest gentlewoman, your maid,
to speak a good word to Mistress Anne Page, for my
master, in the way of marriage.
Quic.
This is all, indeed—la; but I'll ne'er put my
finger in the fire, and need not.
Caius.
Sir Hugh send-a you? Rugby, baillez me some
paper; tarry you a little a-while.
Quic.
I am glad he is so quiet; if he had been thoroughly
moved, you should have heard him so loud, and so
melancholy: but notwithstanding, man, I'll do for your
master what good I can; and the very yea and the no is,
the French doctor, my master, I may call him my master,
look you, for I keep his house, and I wash, wring, brew,
bake, scour, dress meat and drink, make the beds, and
do all, myself* note.
Simp.
'Tis a great charge to come under one body's
hand.
Quic.
Are you advis'd o' that? you shall find it a great
charge; and to be up early, and down late. But notwithstanding,
to tell you in your ear; I would have no
words of it, my master himself is in love with Mistress
Anne Page; but notwithstanding that, I know Anne's
mind, that's neither here nor there.
Caius.
You jack a-nape; give a this letter to Sir
Hugh; by gar it is a shallenge: I will cut his troat in de
parke, and I will teach a scurvy jack-a-nape priest to
meddle or make—You may be gone, it is not good you
tarry here.
[Exit Simple.
Quic.
Alas, he speaks but for his friend.
Caius.
It is no matter a ver dat: do you not tell-a me
dat I shall have Anne Page for myself? by gar, I will
kill de jack preest; and I have appointed mine host of
de Jarteer to measure our weapon; by gar, I will myself
have Anne Page.
-- 19 --
Quic.
Sir, the maid loves you, and all shall be well:
we must give folks leave to prate; what the good-jer.
Caius.
Rugby, come to the court with me; by gar, if
I have not Anne Page, I shall turn your head out of my
door; follow my heels, Rugby.
[Ex. Caius and Rugby.
Quic.
You shall have a fool's head of your own. No,
I know Anne's mind for that; never a woman in Windsor
knows more of Anne's mind than I do, nor can do more
than I do with her, I thank heav'n.
Fent. [within]
Who's within there, hoa?
Quic.
Who's there, I trow? Come near the house, I
pray you.
Enter Mr. Fenton.
Fent.
How now, good woman, how dost thou?
Quic.
The better that it pleases your good worship
to ask.
Fent.
What news? How does pretty Mistress Anne?
Quic.
In truth, sir, and she is pretty, and honest, and
gentle, and one that is your friend, I can tell you that,
by the way, I praise heav'n for it.
Fent.
Shall I do any good, think'st thou? Shall I not
lose my suit?
Quic.
Troth, sir, all is in his hands above; but notwithstanding,
Master Fenton, I'll be sworn on a book
she loves you: have not your worship a wart, above your
eye* note?
Fent.
Yes, marry have I; and what of that?
Quic.
Well, thereby hangs a tale; good faith, it is
such another Nan; but, I detest, an honest maid as ever
broke bread; we had an hour's talk of that wart: I shall
never laugh but in that maid's company! but, indeed,
she is given too much to allicholly and musing; but for
you—Well—go to—
Fent.
Well, I shall see her, to-day; hold, there's money
for thee: let me have thy voice in my behalf; if
thou seest her before me, commend me—
-- 20 --
Quic.
Will I? Ay, faith, that we will: and I will tell
your worship more of the wart, the next time we have
confidence; and of other wooers.
Fent.
Well, farewel, I am in great haste now.
[Exit.
Quic.
Farewel to your worship. Truly an honest
gentleman; but Anne loves him not; I know Anne's
mind as well as another does. Out upon't, what have
I forgot?
[Exit.* note
John Bell [1774], Bell's Edition of Shakespeare's Plays, As they are now performed at the Theatres Royal in London; Regulated from the Prompt Books of each House By Permission; with Notes Critical and Illustrative; By the Authors of the Dramatic Censor (Printed for John Bell... and C. Etherington [etc.], York) [word count] [S10401].
