Air III. Did not you hear of a Jovial Sailor.
'Tis Man alone so subtle wise is,
To act a false dissembling Part;
The Virgin's Thought without Disguise is,
Her very Eyes unveil her Heart.
Then think, O! think, what killing Anguish,
The faithful Heart when doubted knows;
Unkind Suspicions make it languish,
As Heats unkind destroy the Rose.
-- 6 --
Marg.
No more squawling, Mistress, I
see you are over-run with Impertinence,
because you have a Lover or two: I suppose
you are dying for Heartwell; tell me,
or I will pinch thee like a Fairy.
Flo.
If you esteem him, Sister, I vow to
plead for you myself, but you shall have
him.
Marg.
What, Hussey, shall I have your
Leavings?
[Curt'sies.
Enter Worthy.
Sir W.
Why how now? whence grows
this Insolence? Flora, get thee in poor
Girl—she weeps, fye Peg, put off this
devilish Humour, I'm such sure she never cross'd
thee.
Marg.
Her Silence flouts me, and I'll be
reveng'd.
[flies at her.
Sir. W.
What, in my sight too, you ill-natur'd
thing; go Flora, get thee out of
her way.
[Exit Flora.
Marg.
Must I be hinder'd! nay, now I
see she's the Favourite, she must have a Husband—
I see your Care of me, but I'll
find a way to be reveng'd.
[Exit.
Sir W.
Was ever poor Man thus
plagu'd?
-- 7 --
Enter Manley, Heartwell, Archer.
But who's here? my Friend Heartwell!
Heart.
Ay, Sir, soon return'd, you see,
I have brought my Friend Manley to see you.
Man.
Your most humble Servant, Sir.
Sir W.
Manley, you are welcome, I
hear you have lost your Father lately.
Man.
'Tis true, Sir, but I hope to find
another in you; I hear you have a fair
Daughter, call'd Margaret, you know my
Fortune, and if you like my Person, with
your Consent, I'll be your Son-in-law.
Sir W.
I have indeed such a Daughter,
but I have so great a Regard for you, that I
wou'd not put her into your Hands—she'll
make you mad.
Arch.
As for that matter, he's mad enough
already; Sir, he wants no new Medicine
to make him more so.
Man.
Sirrah, you long to have your
Bones broke—I'll venture it, Father—for
so I'll presume to call you; I am as peremptory
as she's wilful, and where two raging
Fires meet, they must consume whatever
feeds their Fury; then tell me, if I get
your Daughter's Consent, what Portion
will you give?
Sir W.
After my Death, one half of my
Estate, and on the Wedding-Day ten thousand
Pounds.
-- 8 --
Man.
And I'll assure her, an equal Jointure;
get but the Writings drawn, I'll engage
to win her Consent.
Sir W.
I wish thee Success, with all my
heart; will you go with us, or shall I send
my Daughter to you?
Man.
Oh! send her by all means.
[Ex.
Heart.
Why, Manley, this is a most desperate
Venture.
Man.
Not in the least—not in the
least—why, say she rail, I'll swear she
sings, as sweet as a Nihtingale; or shou'd
she frown, I'll say, she's as mild as a Summer's
Sky—if silent, I'll commend her Volubility;
and, if she scorns to wed me, I'll
ask what Hour she'll fix to join our
Hands—But, here she comes, leave me
Heartwell.
Enter Margaret.
Sweet Peg, my pretty, pretty Peg, how
dost thou do?
Mar.
Marry come up, Sauce-Box—
plain Peg, where have you left your
Breeding? if ever you had any: I am called
Madam.
Man.
No, no, Peg, thou ly'st, thou'rt
call'd plain Peg, and bonny Peg, and sometimes
Peg the curst, take this from me;
hearing thy Mildness mentioned every
where, thy Virtues spoke of, and thy
-- 9 --
Beautys praised; I come to woo thee
Peg, to be my Wife.
Marg.
So shou'd I be sure to have a scurvy
Bargain.
Man.
Why, now I see the World has
much abus'd thee; 'twas told me, thou
wert rough, and wild, and sullen, but I
find nothing in thee, but Mildness and Good-Nature;
I see thou canst not frown, nor
pout, nor bite the Lip, like other angry
Wenches, thou'rt all Sweetness, Peg.
Marg.
Don't provoke me, Sir, I won't
stand quiet to hear my self abus'd.
Man.
What Rogue was he, that told me
thou wert lame; thou art as strait, Peg, as
an Osier, and as pliable; that Air, that
Walk, becomes thee to a Miracle.
Marg.
Does it so, Jackanapes? how will
a Halter become you, with a running Knot
under one Ear?
Man.
Nay, no Knot, Peg, but the
Knot of Matrimony, between thee and
me.
Arch.
Now, let me be hanged, if I know
which Knot is worst; yet were I to chuse,
I think the running Knot would be the
best, because one might soon be out of
one's Pain in such a Case: I like not your
Knots, that a Man is all his Life-time wishing
to untie, and to no purpose.
-- 10 --
Marg.
I will not stay to be mock'd, by
such crack-brain'd Fellows.
Man.
Nay, stay Peg, prithee stay—
in faith, you stir not yet; I tell thee, in
plain Terms, that I have thy Father's Consent;
your Portion's agreed upon, your
Jointure settled, the Writings are drawn,
and for your own part, be willing or unwilling,
all's one, you and I will marry,
I'm resolv'd on't.
Marg.
What, without my Leave, Impudence?
Man.
A Fig for your Leave,—here's a
Clatter with a noisy Woman—be contented,
for I'll have it so.
Marg.
You shall be hang'd first—you
shall—within there.
Man.
No Noise, Peg; get me a Stick,
Archer; by this Hand, deny to promise
me before your Father, and I'll not leave
you a whole Rib; I'll make you do it,
and be glad on't.
Marg.
Why, you will not murder me,
I hope? you are a Couple of Rascals, I
don't doubt, but you wou'd pick my
Pocket.
Arch.
I have a stronger Temptation, to
pick your Tongue out of your Head, an
it were but as easily done.
Marg.
Take that, Puppy, and speak next
when it comes to your turn.
-- 11 --
Man.
Come, come, leave these Frolicks;
have you, I will, or no Man ever shall—
whoe'er attempts it, I'll be the Death of
him, before he lies one Night with thee;
perhaps, of thee too, to bear him Company;
'tis I am come to tame thee.
Enter Worthy, Heartwell.
Here comes your Father—never deny
me, for if you do, you know what follows.
Marg.
The Devil's in this Fellow, he
has beat me, at my own Weapons; now,
have I a mind to marry him, to try if I
can't tame him.
Sir W.
Well, Manley—what Success
with my Daughter?
Man.
It is impossible I shou'd speed amiss;
she's the best-natur'd Lady.
Sir W.
Why, how now, Daughter, in
the Dumps?
Marg.
You shew a Father's Care, indeed,
to match me to such a mad hectoring
Fellow.
Man.
She has been slander'd grievously,
she is not curst, unless for Policy; and for
Patience, she's a second Grizel; between
us, we have agreed to have the Wedding in
an Hour's time.
Marg.
I'll see you hang'd first.
[Aside.
-- 12 --
Heart.
Hark ye—Manley—she
swears, she'll see you hang'd first.
Man.
Pish, that's but her way of talking,
we have made a Bargain, that before Company,
she shall maintain, some of her extravagant
Humours; for she must not seem to
fall off from it too soon; when we are alone,
we are as fond as two Turtles. Well, Father,
provide the Feast, invite your Guests, and
I will just step to my Lodging to settle
some Affairs, and return immediately. Give
me thy Hand, Peg.
Marg.
Why, Sir, Sir, do you mean to
marry me in spite of my teeth?
Man.
No Words, Peg, no Words—
thou need'st not be peevish before Friends—
'tis only before Strangers, according to the
Bargain; come, Peg, thou shalt see me to
the Door.—
Marg.
As I live, I will not.
Man.
By this Light, but you shall—nay,
no testy Tricks.
[Exeunt.
Heart.
A little short Moment did Manly debate,
Within his great Bosom, this Crisis of Fate;
Then, like a brave Cæsar, he threw the bold Cast,
And strait over Wedlock's Life Rubicon past.
Was ever Match clapt up so suddenly?
-- 13 --
Sir W.
Faith, never—because, perhaps
such a Couple never met: I have ventur'd
madly, but he's a Gentleman of an extraordinary
Character.
Heart.
I don't doubt, but you'll think
your self happy in him; especially, if he
mends her Temper: but a Woman's Temper
is like Wine, there are many ways to
make it sharp, but not one to make it palatable
—if it be naturally sour.
Sir W.
That' very true, Sir.
AIR IV. Of all the simple Things we do.
That Man may well despair, who tries,
To sup up the Sea with a Spoon;
To mend a bad Wife, is a Tryal as wise,
And may be effected as soon.
Three ways, a Philosopher saith,
A Scold may be cur'd if she's young:
To stop her Breath,
Or fret her to Death,
Or snip off the Tip of her Tongue.
Sir W.
'Tis e'en so—but let's in, to
prepare Things against the Wedding.
[Exeunt.
-- 14 --
Enter Flora, Lucy.
Flo.
So, I think, all Matters are agreed
on, Lucy.
Lu.
Yes, Madam, and as I was saying,
you know, he is certainly twice as mad as
she—but, as I say, it will be my Lady's
turn next—and, you may now e'en chuse
where you like.
Flo.
I shall not be very ready to determine,
Lucy: It is a Matter that requires
a great deal of Caution.
AIR V. Altho' I am a Country Lass.
Altho' so fondly Men profess,
To love us without ranging;
Their Passions vary, like their Dress,
Decaying, ever changing.
No Face so fair, no Eye so bright,
From roving to restrain them;
As Boys whom gilded Toys delight,
Possess, and then disdain them.
Lu.
That's what I say, Madam—and,
I said it to his Face, Madam—just now;
-- 15 --
when he was plaguing me, to let him see
you, for said I, my Lady despises you
all—and, as I say, all you Lovers may
e'en go hang your selves for her—
and—
Flo.
But hold, Lucy; you spoke all
this without my Direction.
Lu.
Why, ay, Madam, that's true—
but, you know, as I say, where one loves,
one's part to speak heartily.
Flo.
And, pray who was this Person
that was plaguing you so?
Lu.
Only Mr. Gainlove—he said,
he was sure you wou'd not be displeas'd
at his Admittance; but I knew to the
contrary, and so I told him roundly—
indeed, it pity'd the Heart of me, to see
the poor Gentleman sigh, and wrap his
Hands a-cross his Breast, and lift up his
Eyes, and hang down his Head,—
and, as I was saying, it griev'd the Heart
of me, to let him go—but, to please
you, Madam—
Flo.
Perhaps, 'twou'd have pleas'd me
more to have admitted him.
Lu.
O Lord, Madam! there's no harm
done, I'll warrant, he's within call—
ay, ay, when a body knows your Mind, as
I say, then one knows what to do; ay, ay,
I'll fetch him.
-- 16 --
Flo.
Stay, Lucy, now thou'rt as much
too officious.
Lu.
Nay, in good faith, will I not—
I am resolv'd to please your Ladyship.
[Exit.
Flo.
I see, it's impossible to conceal an
Affection, when once it has taken possession
of us.
AIR VI. Down in the North Country.
How vain's our Scorn, and Woman's Pride,
Our Passion to conceal;
When what we study most to hide,
Our Actions most reveal.
The Bird whose trembling Breast,
Pants for its Young, afraid;
By fearing to disclose her Nest,
Is by those Fears betray'd.
-- 25 --
Enter Lucy, Gainlove.
Lu.
Nay, Madam, 'tis too late as I say,
to counterfeit, I have e'en told him all, and
shall leave it to yourselves to agree.
[Exit.
Gain.
Forgive me, Flora, for this Intrusion,
let me not despair, since the Sincerity
and Ardour of my Affections demand
some Return.
Flo.
You know how absolute my Father's
Commands are not to receive my Addresses
till my elder Sister is marry'd.
Gain.
Then, my fair One, you'll be soon
at Liberty, for every Thing I hear is ready,
and they are only waiting for the Bridegroom.
Flo.
It is necessary then for me to retire
for fear of my Father's discovering us.
Gain.
Only give me Leave to tell you,
that your Father designs to marry you to
Heartwell To-morrow, and therefore you
must be speedy in your Determination; I
flatter myself that I am not wholly indifferent
to you, and if I am really so happy, let
us not both be sacrific'd.
Flo.
I dare not stay to answer you now,
you shall know my Resolution To-night.
Lucy will conduct you to me, and we may
have a better Opportunity of settling Affairs,
while the Family are employ'd about
my Sister.
-- 26 --
Gain.
Till then I shall be miserable.
[Manet Flora.
AIR VII. Wally, &c.
Flora.
Altho' so fondly Men profess
to love us, without ranging,
Their Passions vary like their Dress,
decaying, ever changing.
No Face so fair, no Eye so bright,
From roving to restrain them;
As Boys, whom gilded Toys delight,
possess, and then disdain them.
Enter Worthy, Heartwell, Margaret, Manley, Archer.
Man.
I thank your Friends for your Attendance,
I know you think to sup with
me To-night, but Business of the utmost
Consequence obliges me to take my Leave.
Sir Wm.
Is't possible you will away Tonight?
Man.
I must immediately, if you knew
my Business you wou'd not wonder at my
abrupt Departure. Again, I thank you all
who have beheld me give away myself to
this most patient, mild and gentle Wife, sup
with my Father, here, and drink my Health,
for I must hence. So farewell to you all.
-- 27 --
Heart.
Let me intreat you to stay till
after Supper.
Man.
It must not be.
Heart.
Let me prevail with you.
Man.
'Tis impossible.
Mar.
Let me intreat you.
Man.
I'm content.
Mar.
Are you content to stay?
Man.
I am content you shou'd intreat me,
but stay I will not, intreat me how you can.
Mar.
Now if you love me.
Man.
I cannot; Archer, the Horses.
Arch.
They have not eat their Wedding
Supper, Sir.
Man.
Sirrah, get the Horses.
Mar.
Nay then do what thou can'st, I
will not go neither To-night, nor To-morrow,
nor till I please myself: The Door is
open, Sir; there lies your Way.
AIR VIII. Red House.
Wives will be insulted,
if so tame to bear it;
Husbands will be Tyrants,
proudly they declare it;
Women shou'd remind 'em
of their humble Duty,
Nature has design'd 'em
Slaves to Love and Beauty.
-- 28 --
I will assert my Sex's Right.
his Noise and Frowns alike despise,
Since angry Wives like Vipers bite,
let none provoke them if they're wise.
Man.
Peg, be content,—I pr'ythee be
not angry.
Mar.
I will be angry if I please. Father,
be quiet, he shall stay my Leisure.
Heart.
Ay, now she begins to show herself.
Mar.
Gentlemen, forward to the Bridal
Supper; I see a Woman may be made a
Fool of, if she wants a little Spirit.
Man.
They shall go forward, Peg, at
thy Command; obey the Bride, you that
attend on her; go to the Feast, carouze, be
mad or merry; but for my bonny Peg, she
must with me; nay, look not big upon't,
nor stamp, nor stare, nor fret; she is my
Property, my Goods, my Chattels, and I
will be the Master of my own. Look, here
she stands, touch her who dare; I'll make
him smoke that stops me. Fear not, Peg,
I'll guard thee against a Million.—Nay,
come.
Mar.
Will none of you help me.
[Exit.
Sir Wm.
Nay, let 'em go;—they are
a Couple of quiet ones however; let's spend
the Evening chearfully, and to make it
look somewhat like a Wedding, we will have
-- 29 --
the Dance that was intended. Within there,
let the Dancers come in.
A DANCE.
By this Time I believe we are expected to
Supper. I'll shew you the Way.
[Exit.
End of the First Act.
-- 30 --
ACT II.
Scene I.
Enter Peter, Archer.
Pet.
Honest Archer, welcome.
Arch.
Are all Things ready
according to your Orders?
Pet.
They are. Are my Master and his
Wife near?
Arch.
Just by,—have you a large Fire,
for it is bitter cold.
Pet.
Ev'ry Thing's in Order; but is she
as peevish a Scold as she is reported.
Arch.
She was before the Frost,—but
thou knowest such Weather as this tames
Man and Beast.
Pet.
Why ay that's true,—then is a
Scold worse than a Beast,—for I ne'er
heard that the coldest Weather cou'd tame
such sort of Cattle; many a Night has my
Wife been out in Frost and Snow, yet I
ne'er found her a whit the better for it. But
tell me some News of our new Mistress.
-- 31 --
Arch.
I fancy she had her Education at
Billingsgate, and my poor Master I fear
will lead a Dog's Life with her; for she
seems to me to have Mercury at her Fingers
End.
AIR I. The Twitcher.
I.
Whoe'er, to a Wife
Is link'd, for his Life,
Is plac'd in most wretched Condition:
Tho' plagu'd with her Tricks,
Like a Blister she sticks,
And Death is his only Physician,
And Death is his only Physician,
Poor Man!
II.
To trifle and toy,
May give a Man Joy,
When summon'd by Love, or by Beauty;
But, where is the Bliss in
Our Conjugal Kissing,
When Passion is prompted by Duty.
When Passion is prompted by Duty.
Poor Man!
III.
The Cur who possess'd
Of Mutton the best,
A Bone he cou'd leave at his Pleasure:
-- 32 --
But, if to his Tail
'Tis ty'd, without Fail
He's harrass'd and plagu'd beyond Measure.
He's harrass'd and plagu'd beyond Measure.
Poor Cur!
[Exit Archer.
Enter Manley, Margaret.
Man.
Where are these Knaves? what no
more Slaves to hold my Stirrups, nor to
take my Horse. Peter, James, Ralph,
Gregory.
Enter Servants.
All.
Here, here, Sir.
Man.
Her, Sir, here, Sir,—ye Loggerheads,
Puppies, what not Attendance, no
Regard, no Duty, ye slothful Knaves, be
gone and fetch my Supper in; Rogues, do I
speak, and don't ye flye; sit down Peg,
and welcome,—nay, good sweet Peg, be
merry when I bid thee,—these are Country
Clownish Fellows. Pr'ythee be merry.
—off with my Boots, Sirrah. Ye Rogues,
ye Villains.
Mar.
Sure he will run himself out of
Breath, and then it will be my Turn to
speak.
Man.
Out, ye Rogue, you pluck my
Boot awry; take that, and mind the pulling
off the other. Be merry, Peg. Some
-- 33 --
Water here, ho—Where are my Slippers?
Shall I have some Water?—Stay, Rogues,
Draw on my Boots again.—Come, Peg,
wash and welcome. You Whoreson Villain,
will you let it fall?
Mar.
'Twas an unwilling Fault.
AIR II. Joan be not so coy.
Man.
Peg, be not so shy.
Tol, lol, lol, derol.
None loves you better than I.
Tol, lol, lol.
Mar.
Fool, be not so vain.
Tol, lol, derol.
I'll have my Turn to reign.
Tweedledum, Tweedledum.
Man.
Peg, I'll use thee well.
Tol, lol, lol, derol.
But hope not to bear the Bell.
Tol, lol, lol, derol.
Mar.
I'll be snubb'd by none,
Tol, lol, lol, derol.
I'll break your Heart or my own.
Tweedledum, Tweedledum.
Man.
Come, Peg, sit down,—I know
you have a Stomach; come, fall too and
welcome—sweet Peg—What's this, Mutton?
Serv.
Yes, Sir.
Man.
Who bought it?
Serv.
I, Sir.
-- 34 --
Man.
You, Sir.—Why, Rascal, 'tis a
Piece of a Dog; it has not the least Look
of Mutton; 'tis shrivell'd and burnt to a
Cinder.—Where is the Cook? How dare
you bring such rotten Meat to my Table,
d'ye mean to poison me, ye Joltheads?
Mar.
Pray, Husband, be content, the
Meat's good Meat, and I'm hungry; I must
and will eat some of it.
Man.
Not for the World, Peg,—I love
thee better than so, 'tis burnt, and will
breed Choler, and we are both too full of
Choler already—I love thee too well to give
thee any thing to hurt thee,—we'll fast Tonight,
To-morrow we shall be better furnish'd.
Mar.
Say what you will, Sir, I'll eat
some of it; was I brought hither to be
starv'd?
Man.
Why, you ill-natur'd Rascals, will
you stand still, and see your Mistress poison
herself; take it out of her Sight. [Sends
the Meat away.] Well, Peg, this Night
we'll fast for Company. Come, I'll shew,
thee to thy Bed-chamber.
Mar.
I must eat something, or else I shall
be sick; these two Days have I fasted at
Home out of Peevishness, and now I must
starve out of Necessity,—but an Egg.
Man.
No, no, pr'ythee don't talk on't;
to Bed upon a full Stomach—Come, Peg.
[Exit.
Arch.
Did'st ever see the like, Peter?
-- 35 --
Pet.
Never—he kills her in her own
Humour.
Arch.
He sets out well, I wish he may
hold it; Wives and stumbling Horses are
best manag'd by keeping always a tight
Rein; let 'em but go their own Gate, and
they'll break your Neck.
Pet.
Come, Archer, let's drink Success
to him for the Honour of English Husbands,
and give us a Song.
Arch.
Such as I can I will,—with all
my Heart.
AIR III. Bessy Bell.
How sweetly glide the Hours away,
While chearfully we're drinking;
By Wine the Soul's made brisk and gay,
And Courage is kept from sinking.
Since Life's so short, let's take our Swing,
Let Bacchus reign ador'd, Sir,
Who makes the Slave as blest as a King,
And the Beggar as great as a Lord, Sir.
Who makes, &c.
And the Beggar, &c.
Where are you, Rogues? Peter, Ralph,
Archer.
[Within.
Arch.
Let's away, or we shall be all
ruin'd.
[Exit.
-- 36 --
Scene
SCENE draws, and discovers a Bed.
Enter Manley, Margaret.
Man.
Where are these idle Knaves?
Some Lights there.—Come, Peg, undress
to Bed.
Enter Servants.
Mar.
Pray send your Men away, and
send for some of your Maids.
Man.
Maids! hang Maids, I've no such
Vermin about my House,—any of these
will do as well.
Mar.
Why do mean to treat me like a
Slave?
Man.
Be content; sweet Peg, be content.
Who made this Bed? What Rascals
are these? Foh! These Sheets are musty as
the Devil, and what Rags are here? Is this
a Counterpane? 'Tis a Dish-clout.
Mar.
Why, the Counterpane is well
enough, and rich enough, and the Linnen
sweet as one cou'd wish.
Man.
Fye, fye, Peg, thou hast got a
Cold, and hast lost thy Smelling; I tell thee
they are musty and damp; I wou'd not
have thee lye in them for the World, it
wou'd be thy Death; we must e'en sit up
To-night, there's no Remedy.
-- 37 --
Mar.
Pray, Sir, talk not of sitting up,
I am so sleepy I can scarce, hold my Eyes
open, I must to Bed.
Man.
Not To-night, Peg, I'll contrive
to keep thee waking. Some Wine, ho.
[Enter Servants, with Wine.
Come, Peg, Here's to thee with all my
Heart in a Bumper,—my Father's Health,
Peg, you must pledge it.
Mar.
I can't drink without eating, I
shou'd be sick.
Man.
Pish, that's but a Whim,—come,
off with it, or thou shalt neither eat nor
drink this Month.
Mar.
Shall I go to Bed when I have
drank it?
Man.
We'll talk of that anon, Peg,—
so, that's well; now to my Horses, Peg;
I'll be with thee instantly.
[Exit.
Mar.
You may stay till your Bones ach,
e'er I cry for your Company.
[Exit.
Re-enter Manley.
Man.
Come hither, Archer.
Arch.
Sir.
Man.
Wait on your Mistress, say what
you will to her, and vex her, but don't
touch her, and let her have no Meat I
charge you.
[Exit.
Arch.
Meat, Sir! why she shan't smell
Meat.
-- 38 --
AIR IV. Oh! London is a fine Town.
Of all the Methods most in Vogue
For keeping Women quiet,
'Tis best to let their Sleep be short,
And stint them in their Diet:
For Fasting keeps their Bodies fine,
And makes their Spirits small,
By Hunger Wives, like Hawks, are taught
To know their Keeper's Call.
Oh Marriage is a sad Scene,
They're mad that venture in it,
Where Pleasure seldom shews her Face,
Repentance in a Minute.
[Exit.
Enter Margaret.
AIR V. Waly, Waly.
Alas from ev'ry Joy debarr'd,
To what hard Fate is Woman born,
Our tender Passion's best Reward
Is cold Contempt and killing Scorn.
For Men inconstant as the Wind,
Expert in false deluding Arts,
When most caress'd, are most unkind,
They only win to break our Hearts.
Mar.
What, Philip, Ralph, Richard,
what no Body near me? Archer, where are
you?
-- 39 --
Enter Archer.
Arch.
Here, Madam, here.
Mar.
Where's your Master?
Arch.
He's gone, Madam, just to see his
Horses well fed, that's all.
Mar.
And in the mean time I am famish'd.
Was ever Woman us'd so barbarously?
I'm kept from Meat and Sleep, and
what spites me more than all the rest, is, he
pretends 'tis out of Care and Love of me;
pr'ythee, good Archer, can'st thou not get
me somewhat to eat? I care not what it is.
Arch.
I were as good be hang'd; however,
'tis a Pity a Gentlewoman shou'd be
starv'd in a Christian Country.
Mar.
Here's Money for thee,—get me
but any thing, for I'm ready to faint.
Arch.
What say you to a Neat's Tongue?
Mar.
With all my Heart.
Arch.
Hum. I fear it wou'd be too hard
of Digestion, and be too heavy on your
Stomach so late at Night; what think you
of some fine fat Tripe well broil'd.
Mar.
'Tis excellent good, Archer, fetch
it me.
Arch.
I'm afraid it wou'd be too cholerick
a Diet. But suppose you had a piece
of Beef and Mustard.
Mar.
I love it.
-- 40 --
Arch.
Ay, but the Mustard's too hot, 'tis
bad for the Tongue.
Mar.
Why then the Beef without it.
Arch.
Nay, Beef's not good without
Mustard.
Mar.
Then both, or one, or any thing
thou wilt.
Arch.
Why then, the Mustard without
the Beef.
Mar.
Impudent insulting Slave! Must I
be brav'd thus by my own Servants?
AIR VI. Happy Clown.
Were Women wise, they wou'd not wed,
Nor trust to false imperious Men,
Our Joys we leave in the Marriage-Bed,
But never resume 'em again.
The Maiden who ventures a Husband to take,
More safely and wisely might sport with a Snake,
For Fortune, Plague and Strife
For ever attend a poor Wife.
Enter Manly.
Mar.
Sir, pray tell me, have you a mind
to make me mad? Such Usage as this will
do it effectually. How have I injur'd you,
that you behave thus inhumanely to me?
Did you marry me to kill me?
-- 41 --
Man.
No, good Peg, no; thou know'st
I have a great Regard for thee,—I have
been just preparing our Horses to go back
again to London to your Father's.
Mar.
Well, there's some Comfort in getting
Home again, there's Meat and sleeping
Room at least. Are we to set out now?
Man.
Immediately, Archer, bring out
the Horses, let's see, 'tis now about six o'
Clock; we shall be there about Suppertime.
Mar.
Six o' Clock, why, 'tis Ten at
least.
Man.
It shall be but six o' Clock before
I set out. Why, what a Mischief's this?
Whatever I say or do, you are still crossing
it; let the Horses alone, Archer, I'll not
go this three Days, nay not this Month,
perhaps, and e'er I do, it shall be what o'
Clock I please.
Mar.
Nay, Sir, let not that hinder our
Journey, 'tis Six, or Nine, or Twelve, or
what you will; pray let's go.
Arch.
Ay, ay, e'en have it what Hour
you like.
Man.
Very well it is so, get ready
quickly; come, we shall help to mend the
Mirth of the Company. Come, Peg.
[Exit.
-- 42 --
Enter Lucy, Gainlove.
Lu.
Don't you plague me so, Mr. Gainlove,
for as I say, Servants must not lose
their Bread, to oblige any one; Service is
no Inheritance, as I say, talk not to me of
your Flames, and your Darts, and your
Sighs, and your Flim Flams, and I don't
know what myself. I must not bring you
together, Mr. Gainlove, that's poz; and
as I say now, you know my Resolution.
[Offers to go.
Gain.
But, Lucy, perhaps I may be able
to give you sufficient Reasons, to ease all
your Scruples. Suppose your Master shou'd
be displeas'd, as I am sure he will not, you
shall never want as good a Provision while
I have any Fortune. Besides there are fifty
other Reasons in this Purse that will have
more Weight with you.
Lu.
For, as I was saying, Sir, tho' Servants
ought not to lose their Bread willingly,
yet one ought to hazard it, as I say, for
a kind good-natur'd Gentleman as you are,
when one has to do with him; Lord, how
the sweet Lady talks of you, and dreams
of you, and but, as I say, Lovers are strange
sort of Things.
Gain.
And where is this sweet Lady of
yours? I long to be admitted.
-- 43 --
Lu.
'Tis well you put me in mind on't,
or, as I say, I shou'd certainly have forgot
it; a bad Memory, Mr. Gainlove, is a
very bad Thing.
Gain.
A Pox of your Memory and your
Impertinence. Come, Lucy, dispatch, you
know we have no Time to lose.
Lu.
That's true; she'll wonder what
delays you.
AIR VII. When bright Aurelia.
The Maiden like the Merchant sighs
When all his Wealth's at stake,
He views the Shore with wishful Eyes,
And blames the Waves, the Winds and Skies,
That anxious bid him wake.
I'll warrant me now we shall find her in
her Chamber, as melancholy, as I say, as
a Turtle Dove.
Gain.
Then, dear Lucy, make the more
Haste.
Lu.
You won't let her slip thro' your
Fingers To-night, I suppose; but if she be
married to somebody else To-morrow, you
may e'en blame yourselves sor't, as I say, it
matters not to me.—I'll tell you, Mr.
Gainlove, what happen'd to a young Lady
and her Lover, just in the very same Way
you are.
-- 44 --
Gain.
No Stories now, if you love me,
Lucy.
Lu.
I always love to hearken to Reasons,
as I say; now can you give me any Reasons
why I should make more Haste.
Gain.
Right Chamber-maid I faith, I see
her covetous Policy. Ay, ay, as many and
as good as I gave you before.
[Gives another Purse.
Lu.
O Lord, ay sure, or I were ill-natur'd
indeed.
AIR VIII. Three Sheep-skins.
Pimps, Lawyers, and Doctors, tho' Fame has renown'd 'em,
And Fortune, with Wealth, and with Favour have crown'd 'em,
For Bribe or Fee
As well as me,
Will ruin all around 'em.
Come then, follow me, these are the Arguments
none of us can resist, as I say, come
along.
[Exit.
Enter Manley, Margaret, and Archer.
Mar.
I'm glad we're in London agen,
won't you go in?
Man.
First kiss me, Peg, and I will.
-- 45 --
Mar.
What in the middle of the Street?
Man.
Art thou asham'd of me?
Mar.
Not so, Sir, but asham'd to kiss so
openly.
Man.
Why then, let's Home again; Go
fetch the Horses, evermore cross'd and cross'd,
nothing but cross'd.
AIR IX. Polwart on the Green.
Arch.
How vain is all our Art
To know the tender Sex,
Who first enslave a faithful Heart,
Then study to perplex.
What Rapture from their Beauty grows,
What Anguish from their Scorn,
Created like the new-born Rose
With Sweetness, but a Thorn.
Mar.
Nay, I will give thee a Kiss,—
nay, pray now stay.
Man.
So, this is well. Come, my sweet
Peg, we'll in.
Enter Lucy, Flora.
Lu.
Yes, Madam, he's waiting in the
Garden, you've no Time to lose; your Sister
is just come back.
Flo.
Already? Why certainly they're
both mad. Ah! Lucy, shou'd Gainlove
-- 46 --
prove so surly a Husband, 'twou'd break
my Heart.
Lu.
You know, Madam, well enough,
that, as I say, when you are as peevish as
your Sister you may expect the same Usage.
But believe me, Madam, now's your Time,
while the Family are employ'd about the
Bride, do you finish with Gainlove; nay,
you must not think now, as I say, think
when you are together; come, good Madam,
before any Accident hinders you.
Flo.
Well, Lucy, I'll follow thee.
[Exit.
Enter Margaret, Manly.
Mar.
'Tis no jesting Matter, Sir, I am
at Home now, and it shall be my Turn to
insult; I know how to resent ill Usage as
well as you do to give.
Enter Heartwell.
Man.
No Words, Peg, no Woods; I'm
glad to see thee old Friend Heartwell.
Mar.
Yes, Sir, I will have Liberty to
speak; you shall have Words, and Words
enough to make your Heart ach; you think
perhaps that you're in the Country, but
you're mistaken, Sir, the Case is alter'd.
-- 47 --
Heart.
I see but little Alteration in her
for the better.
Man.
Why how now, Peg, thou hast
been drinking, sure; I never saw thee in so
pleasant a Humour before.
Mar.
I tell thee thou art a pitiful Fellow;
a Thing beneath me, which I scorn
and laugh at.—Dost thou not tremble to
think how thou hast used me; I must eat
nothing, forsooth, because the Cook had
roasted the Mutton too dry, and I must not
go to Bed because the Sheets were damp.
Man.
Pr'ythee, Peg, Peace a little, I
know thou can'st speak, but speak sparingly,
or you'll have nothing to say To-morrow.
Mar.
Yes, I will talk for ever, and still
find something new to plague you with;
this is Silence to what I intend; I'll talk
louder than this ev'ry Night in my Sleep.
Arch.
Then the Devil shall be your Bed-fellow
for me.
AIR X. Bobbing Joan.
Men are all such lordly Fools,
They prescribe, not act by Rules,
Like unskilful Conjurers they
Raise up Spirits, that won't obey;
-- 48 --
Wives shou'd still
Have their Will,
Or torment 'em Night and Day.
I'll learn to rail at thee in all Languages.
Man.
Very pretty; pr'ythee go on; methinks
there's Musick in't; go on Peg.
Mar.
I'll have you chain'd to a Stake at
Billingsgate, and have you baited by the
Fish-wives.
Man.
Ha, ha, ha,—witty, Peg, proceed.
Mar.
You shall do nothing but what I
bid you, you shall know me to be your
Mistress.
Man.
Excellent, Peg! on, on,—what
have you no more on't. Ha, ha, ha.
Mar.
Do you laugh and be hang'd, I'll
spoil your Sport.
[Flies at him.
Man.
Nay, Peg, Hands off,—I thought
you wou'd not have disgrac'd your good
Parts to come to Blows so soon,—pr'ythee,
chide on, thou can'st not think what Delight
I take to hear thee,—it becomes thee,
Peg; what tir'd already? Talk more, and
louder, and longer, and faster, and sharper,
this is nothing, Peg.
Mar.
I'll see you at the Devil before I'll
do any thing to please you, do you like it?
-- 49 --
Man.
Extremely; on, Peg, you'll cool
too fast.
Mar.
Why then, mark me,—if 'twere
to save thee from drowning or breaking thy
Neck I won't speak one Word more to thee
these two Months.
[Sits sullenly.
Man.
Nay, good Peg, been't so hard-hearted,
—what, melancholy all of a sudden,
—thou'lt break thy poor Elbow with leaning
on that hard Table. Shall I get a Cushion
for thee, Peg? I fear thou art not
well—Speak to her, Heartwell.
Heart.
How are you, Madam? What
ails you? Pray speak, you've so vex'd her,
Manley, she'll be sick.
Enter Archer.
Man.
I know not what's the Matter with
her, she has the Tooth-ach,—see how she
holds her Check, the Wind has gotten into
her Teeth, by keeping open her Mouth this
cold Weather.
Heart.
'Tis not unlikely,—I have heard
her complain of that Disorder.
Man.
Poor Peg, I pity thee, which Tooth
is it? Wilt thou have it drawn? What
say'st thou? Thou shalt—run, Archer, and
fetch the first Tooth-drawer thou can'st
meet, and then immediately desire Dr. Specifick
to come to a Lady who is taken suddenly
ill, and in great Danger, what d'ye
-- 50 --
stand staring at? Run immediately, or I'll
ham-string you. [Exit Archer.] The Toothach,
Heartwell, makes Fools of all the
Physicians, there's no Cure but drawing.
Heart.
If this do not make her find her
Tongue, she has certainly lost it.
Man.
Alas! her Face is so swell'd, she
can't speak.
Enter Lucy.
Lu.
Well, I'm glad, Madam, as I say,
to see your Ladyship return'd so soon.
Man.
But I fear she can't live long in
the Torment she has at present—she's swell'd
—don't ye see?
Lu.
Swell'd, Sir? Now, as I hope to be
marry'd, Sir, I can't perceive it.
Man.
Not perceive it, then thou'rt blind.
Pr'ythee let her alone,—you disturb her.
Enter Archer, Splinter.
Arch.
The Doctor will wait on you instantly,
he's only prescribing half a dozen
Blisters for a sick Man, for he loves to dispatch
his Patients with all Expedition.
Man.
Here, honest Fellow, have you
brought your Instruments?
Splin.
Yes, yes, Sir; a wise Man always
carries his Tools about him—what must I
do?
-- 51 --
Man.
You must draw a Tooth for this
Gentlewoman; do it as neatly and as gently
as thou can'st; take care you don't break
her Jaw.
Splin.
I'll warrant you, Sir—I warrant
you.
Arch.
Hark ye, Friend, cou'd not you by
Accident, or Mistake, or so, whip out her
Tongue instead of her Tooth?
Splin.
Ah, Master, if I cou'd but do that
dextrously, I shou'd not want Business in
London.
AIR XI. To you Fair Ladies.
Arch.
The Tyger proves a harmless Brute,
Depriv'd of Teeth and Claws,
But none can make a Woman mute,
Tho' all her Teeth he draws.
If hinder'd of the Means to bite,
Still with her Tongue she'll vent her Spight.
With a fal, lal.
Lu.
My Heart throbs like any thing now,
as I say,—I'll e'en call my Lady's Father.
[Exit.
Splin.
Pray, Madam, open your Mouth
that I may see which Tooth it is. [Mar.
strikes him.] What, Sir, did you send for
me to abuse me?
-- 52 --
Man.
No truly, Friend; but it seems
she has alter'd her Mind, she won't have it
drawn now; however, here's something for
your Pains. O here comes our Physician.
Enter Physician.
Splin.
Brother Doctor, I am glad you are
come; I wish you as good Success as I have
met with all my Heart.
[Exit.
Phy.
Was that Fellow a Fool or a Madman
who went out?
Arch.
It my be suspected that he is either
one or t'other, since he pretends to be
one of the Fraternity.
[Aside.
Man.
He was only a Barber, Sir, who
was call'd to draw a Tooth for this Lady—
but I find her Distemper to be of a more
mortal Nature.
Phy.
Why she looks ill, indeed, her whole
Body and vital Faculties seem to labour under
a strong Hebetation. How long has
she been seiz'd thus?
Man.
Within this half Hour; but she
has been often possess'd with these kind of
Fits before.
Phy.
Poor Lady, I fear her Case is
desperate.
[Physician goes to Margaret, and feels her Pulse.
Man.
'Tis what we all apprehend.
-- 53 --
Air XII. And a Begging we will go.
If Lawyers and Physicians
By Learning were to thrive,
They'd prove of all Conditions
The poorest Rogues alive.
And a Begging, &c.
Enter Worthy, Lucy.
Sir Wm.
Bless me, my Daughter dying!
dying so suddenly. My dear, dear Daughter.
Man.
Alas, alas, Sir, it it but too true—
Wou'd I cou'd have purchas'd her Life at
the Expence of my own.
Sir Wm.
What cou'd be her Disease?
Man.
I am unwilling to guess, but this
wife Gentleman will soon let us know what
we have to expect.
Arch.
Expect! why what shou'd you expect
when the Physician comes, but Death.
Phy.
Dangerous Symptoms indeed, Sir,
very dangerous Symptoms.
Sir Wm.
Will she recover, Doctor?
Phy.
That, Sir, is a Question not to be
easily resolv'd; if it be in the Power of
Medicine to raise her, you may depend on
my Endeavours, but
Lu.
Lord save us, are you come to but
it already; nay, then, my poor young Lady's
gone.
-- 54 --
Phy.
Weak Spirits, Sir, weak Spirits;
Nature is quite worn out in her! Where is
your greatest Pain, Madam?
Man.
She is speechless, Sir.
Sir Wm.
My poor Daughter! I never
thought to live to see thee speechless.
Phy.
I find we must proceed in the most
violent Way since the animal Spirits are so
far exhausted; I wou'd by all Means have
her Head shav'd immediately, and a large
Blister apply'd, and lest Delays shou'd be
dangerous, I will have four large Blisters
on other Parts of her Body; Blisters are
excellent Evacuatives.
Sir Wm.
Why, Doctor, so many Blisters
will effectually do her Business?
Phy.
I intend as much; I've a Specifick
which I will also force down her Throat,
that never fails curing all Distempers.
Arch.
I don't doubt it; for Death, who
cures all Distempers, generally appears in
the Shape of a Pill or Potion.
Phy.
Sir, I have seen more surprising Effects
from that Specifick of mine, than ever
have been produced from all other Medicines;
—in Gouts, Catarrhs, Rheumatick,
Cephalick, Hysterick, Paralytick, Hydropick,
Phlethorick, and Epileptick Cases it
never fails; in nervous Disorders 'tis infallible.
-- 55 --
Man.
If it cures her Distemper, I shall be
happy; and miserable, to be depriv'd of her.
Air XIII. 'Twas when the Sea was roaring.
If Death, unkind to Beauty,
Shou'd make my Love his Prey,
'Twill be my pleasing Duty
To languish Life away.
Arch.
My Master is not the only Husband
who wou'd sing to see his Wife in a
dying Condition.
Man.
What not one Word yet? By all
that's good, I'll have thee blister'd from
Head to Foot, I'm determin'd, and you
know I'm resolute.—Good Doctor, since
there's no Hope, but in your Specifick and
Blistering, let's lose no Time?
Phy.
I have my Medicines here ready,
you need only send for a Surgeon to force
open her Jaws with Intruments, and, if possible,
to bleed her pretty plentifully in one
of the Veins under her Tongue, and you
shall see a surprising Effect. Pray, Madam,
let me see your Tongue?
[Enter Barber with Suds, Doctor's Man with Blister-Plaister, &c.
Man.
As the Life of my dear Wife is at
stake, I will run for a Surgeon myself; I'll
bring the nearest I can lay my Hands on.
-- 56 --
Mar.
Stay, Manly, stay,—you've
conquer'd me.
All.
A Miracle! a Miracle! she lives.
Heart.
This is a very unexpected Victory.
Man.
May I believe thee, Peg? Art
thou in earnest?
Mar.
Not Truth itself is truer.
Man.
Then thus I make thee Master of
myself, and all I have. I am infinitely
oblig'd to you, Sir, for your excellent Advice,
I hope you will favour me to accept.
[Gives Money.
Phy.
O Lord, Sir! there was no need of
this Kindness; no Need, indeed, good Sir—
however, 'tis my Rule, that from honest
Gentlemen and Friends I never refuse any
thing; and from my Enemies, I never think
I can get enough; I shall be always at
your Command, Sir.
Man.
Provided you have your Fee constantly.
Phy.
O, Sir! that's always understood—
always—Well, this is the most sudden
Accident I ever met with; such sudden Recoveries
are of little Use to us; Folks ought
to die, but they ought to linger.
[Aside.
Arch.
Ah, Doctor all this might have
been prevented, if we cou'd but have prevail'd
with her to take some of your Specifick,
she had never thus surpriz'd us by
her Recovery.
-- 57 --
Phy.
Well, next Time, Sir, then be
quicker in your Application; 'tis enough
for me to direct.
[Exit.
Mar.
You have taught me what 'tis to
be a Wife, and I shall make it my Study to
be obliging and obedient.
Man.
My best Peg, we will exchange
Kindness, and be each others Servants. Come,
my Love, since we are thus happily reconcil'd,
Let us chearfully sport in the conjugal Noose,
And make the Tye easy we neither can loose:
For shou'd the Slip-Knot the least awkwardly wear,
As good you'd another behind the left Ear .
Air XIV. Excuse me.
Man.
Raptures crown the Marriage-State,
When equal Affections unite 'em,
Mar.
And Women shou'd study their Joys to compleat
By striving how much to delight 'em.
Man.
O how blest am I,
Mar.
How caress'd am I,
Mutually complying.
Man.
My tender Love shall never decay,
Mar.
My Heart shall chearfully obey;
All Feuds shall cease,
Man.
Our Love increase,
While Time and Life are flying.
Oh! how blest, &c.
-- 58 --
Sir Wm.
I am so pleas'd to see thee sensible
of thy Follies, that I will add another
thousand Pound to thy Fortune,—but amongst
this chearful Company I wonder that
Flora does not appear.
Enter Gainlove, Flora.
Gain.
I am bound now to answer for her
Absence. 'Tis I have taught her to transgress,
and thus we hope Forgiveness.
Sir Wm.
Nay, nay, there needs no Words;
Heaven's Blessings attend; you need not
have been so private, Mr. Gainlove, your
Fortune might deserve a better in return,
than my Daughter Flora can bring you;
however, I am glad to see my Daughter
guilty of no greater Imprudence. Come,
Heartwell, you must bear this Disappointment,
I'm happy to see my Family settled.
Heart.
Sir, I lov'd Flora, and shou'd
have study'd to make her happy; but since
her own Inclinations have disposed of her
another Way, I shall endeavour to change
the Lover to the Friend; I'm convinc'd she
will deserve it.
Gain. Flor.
We shall endeavour, Sir.
-- 59 --
Air XV. CHORUS in Porus.
Man.
Come, come, soft nuptial Powers,
Bless, bless Bridegroom and Bride,
Let each Rapture be ours,
Let Love always preside.
Hence, hence Care and Distraction,
Love's soft gentle Bands
Creates sweet Satisfaction,
Where he joins the Hands.
All.
Love gives new Satisfaction
Where he joins the Hands.
Mar.
By Manly taught, let Husbands bear the Sway,
'Tis Man's to rule, 'tis Woman's to obey.
