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Billings, Josh, 1818-1885 [1866], Josh Billings, hiz sayings. With comic illustrations. (Carleton, New York) [word count] [eaf674T].
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[figure description] Page 224.[end figure description]

Men kalkulate with perfek accurasy, the rate ov
speed attained bi earthly boddys, and ov moste matter,
whether sublunary, or ov a heavenly natur.
They tell us how long a ra ov light is on the way
from the sun — how fass a comet travels — the best
time that lightning can make — when the stars visit,
and how long they are about it — the fraktional
lapse kontained in the hop ov a flea — the flite ov a
swallow — the velosity ov sound, and the smartness
ov a hurrycane. They kan tell us how long it
takes old Borus, after he leaves his cave, to reach
this earth, and button up the coats ov shivring mortals.
But i hav sarched their theorys and ransacked
their mathematicks in vain, tew diskover the haste
ov a Slander. But we kno ov nothing, on the earth,
or above it, that equals it in quickness. It travels
as well in the dark, as in the light — knows no law

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ov gravitashun, nor ov heat, or cold — is not traceable,
or definable — has no parentage, and frequently
no objek — is not matter, nor an essence — may fly
in the glance ov an eye, or be felt in the point ov a
finger — is the pet ov almost evry one — can hav
the ear when charity, love, and the delikate pashuns,
plead in vain — is everywhare in an instant — feeds
upon nothing but sweet things, has more friends than
truth, is a lie, faster than the wings ov the wind,
and twin racer to thought — steals into the sakred
pulpit — at midnite, robs the chaste maiden ov the
ruddy truth in her cheeks — hangs sackcloth upon
the manly form ov honesta — cums in a whisper —
is misterious as an echo — will betray for a prise —
has made kings tremble — has dried up the warm
pulse ov hope, and driven modesta shreeking away—
is a skorpion, invisible, but full ov madness, and
menny stings. Who kan tell its whereabouts?
Who can rate its speed? Who kan annylize its
meanness? Who has not listened tew its preshious
falsehoods? and who will not, with me, pronounse it
a renegade, the common enemy ov humanitee? and
who that kan shoot flieing, will not help tew bring
down the base bird? Attenshun, squad!

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Billings, Josh, 1818-1885 [1866], Josh Billings, hiz sayings. With comic illustrations. (Carleton, New York) [word count] [eaf674T].
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