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Billings, Josh, 1818-1885 [1866], Josh Billings, hiz sayings. With comic illustrations. (Carleton, New York) [word count] [eaf674T].
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[figure description] Page 163.[end figure description]

Wunce as I was travling thru tioga keounty, a
peddlin, selebrated pills,” I was akosted by a individual
whose dress indikated, that he was in the kolporter
bisness. We met, and stopped smoltaneously, as it
war; we looked into each others phases, sarching as
it war, for a linamont, a oasus, that we nu, or had
hearn tell of, but the trak pedlar, and pill pedlar,
had evidently met for the first time on arth. The
dela that was thus instituted, giv me a margin for a
clus communion with the kolporturs feturs, and stile
of habiliment, and tru to natur, tuk the chance — he
was about 59 years old, was very lite in the karkass,
and wore his close very much as a methodis dus, and
had one of them kountenances that Moses was celebrated
for. I felt at the first site, that he wud do tu
mi to. He komensed as follers: — “Wafarin man,
monament of sparin mersa, du yu feel as tho yu had

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enny intrest in yurself, hev yu ever been tried by
the fire that takes awa the spiritoal dross, and had
yur soal a flutterin agin the ribbid prisin bars of yur
body, like a kaged song bird of heavin? If yu
haint, read and peroose this trak; the ile that it kontains,
will permoate thru the resesses of yur hart,
like the quicksilver of luv, and lukrubrate the loose
roaling stuns, that ly in yur jordanick pathwa.” As
he cum to a stop, he bent on tu me one of those meller
looks, that a tom kat gives tu the mouse, as it
lays pantin afore him, with a skin full of broken
bones, and a reachin around, he pulled from his sadle
bags, a trak of four pages, and give it tu me, with
(if I ma be aloud the expresshun) a angelik tenderness,
and as he did so, he karlessly tuk a look at my
hoss, who stood quietly in the harness, a restin wun
of his hine fete. I thanked him, and sed I wud peroose
the trak, an hoped to find the ile, and silver, he
spoak of. Not tu be bete in generosity, I opened
the lid of mi waggin, and selekted a box of pills,
with a full kount, and arisin from mi sete, I kommenced
as follers, “respected kolportur, allou me tu disiprookate,
by plasin at yur disposal a full kount box,
of the selebrated antydiluvion pills, begot by Josh
Billings (late of this tioga keounty,) who now stans

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befoor yu. These pills are friendla tu the innards of
enny man, are holy made of rootes, are as saif tu
take as a fotograph, and at the same time, are as
thoro as a sarch warrant, there ar 26 ov them in a
box, an tha sel, with a ful size fax similer of the
author on the lid ov the box. He tuk the antydiluvions,
and summed up as follers, “docter Billings,
the perfeshun which you hav chose, is wone ov the
most anshient as wel as wone of the most humain, it
speaks volumes in yur praze, and as i winde mi wa
on errants of soal mersa, upon mi noble hoss (whose
only falt, or rather misfortin is a paneful saddil
gaul,) swete gushes of jowus thout will wel up from
mi happer harte, that praps our auspicious meeting
tu da ma bee the menes of awakin in yu, a arnest kry
what shal i du tu bee saved.” At the kloze ov this
speach, i wud have bin willin tu bet a Box of antydiluvions
agin a 10 rowed papir of solid headed pins, that
the kolporter was nasty on a hoss swap, and i kum tu
the konklusion that i wud just feal of his stile in
that wa. Pretendin tu hav just notised his hoss i
went inter fits over the diskivery, and soon found i
had struc a lead, for the star spangle bannor, never
had at one time enny more sed in its praze, than the
kolporter let of in favor ov his old hoss. Not

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edzackly disposed tu swaller, without stirrin, all he sed, i
thout i wud look the kritter over, and jumpin out ov
my waggin, fur that purpis, soon found out that the
trak pedler was after Jonas, insted of me. After i
had got the full size of the sarkumstanses in the kase,
i kum tu one of the brisk konklusions that the Billings
family are subject tu, by hintin in oktave, “that the
kolporter was a dam hiperkrit, and his spavined hoss
a dam old pelter.” This suddint bust of centiment
on mi part, awoke the sleapin pieta of the trak pedlar,
and he at wunst tuk me tu do for swarin. After i
had told him, that his prain and my swarin, was oph
of the same peace, an neather ov us ment any thing
we sed, we parted, — the kolporter to save soals, and
swap hosses, and Josh Billings tu sell, for 25 sents a
box, the antidiluvion pills, as saif as rute beer, and
as sartin as the bight ov a mogasin.

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Billings, Josh, 1818-1885 [1866], Josh Billings, hiz sayings. With comic illustrations. (Carleton, New York) [word count] [eaf674T].
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