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Billings, Josh, 1818-1885 [1866], Josh Billings, hiz sayings. With comic illustrations. (Carleton, New York) [word count] [eaf674T].
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[figure description] Page 157.[end figure description]

I divide snaiks into one class, to wit, the devilish:

They are ov much antiquity, having appeared
about the same time that Adam did. The exact
purpis for which tha was built hain't been explored
yet; but one thing is sartin, tha are quite slippery
and eazy to bend. Tha travel on thair bellys, and
go down hill the moste eazyest; this is owing tew
the fack that tha hain't got enny good rigging tew
hold back with.

Snaix have but few warm friends, altho thare is
folks who flatter them; sich persons ought tew be
obliged to ware a pair ov them for a cravat. Thare
is but one thing that makes me more horrible thar
a striped snaik, and that is a big black one jest sliding
away from the place whare I was going tew si
down on the grass.

We are told that Eve waz sedused bi a snaik,
don' beleave thare is a woman living now, in thez
parts, that it could be did tew without spileing th
snaik. I hav bin in the habit, ov late years, o

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sedusing snaiks miself evvry chanse i could git; i
ginerally dew it bi gitting them tew put their heds
under a stone, and then i cruelly desert them; sich
is life!

Snaiks are amphibicus and thoze which dwell in
the water are called eels. Tha are ov awl cullers,
and sum are pizen tew behold; amung theze are the
koperheds, but tha never bite enny ov their own
folks. Snaiks hav got a big appertite, akordin tew
their size; i hav saw them no thicker than your
finger, with 4 inches wide ov toad in them, tha stuck
out like 2 quarts ov milk that had got into a young
pup bi acksident.

The largest snaik in the wurld iz kept at Newport,
he iz owned bi the landlords, he never haz bin
shown tew but one person tew a time, and then he is
generally 110 feet long; thousands go thare tew see
him summers, and pay 3 dollars a da for board and 2
dollars a week tew the servants for something tew

I beleave a snaik never dies onla bi mistake, and
never ventures out mutch in the winter when the
travling iz bad, and lays eggs like a small hen, but
don't set on them bekauze tha hain't got enny more
heat in their body than a ramrod haz.

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Almoste evry humin being haz got a nateral appertite
agin snaix, and i will bet, if you shud put a
striped snaik in a 10 aker lot, whare there was 27
wimmin picking strawberries, and holler out, “striped
snaik! striped snaik!” evry woman would
skream, and go to feeling rite oph for the snaik. It
is ced that snaik ile applied to the back ov a man's
neck, will cure him from lieing. This is wuth trieing,
even if it wont wurk, but mi individoal presentiment
iz, that when the lieing disease gits familiar
with a man, deth alone will put an eend to his sufferings.
But I dont want it understood that I am agin
snaik ile, for this one reason if no other, the more
snaik ile there is in the market, the less snaiks.


Mudturkles liv in a shell, which tha git verry
mutch attached to. Tha are not fond ov company,
and seldom receive visitors in their houses. Their
food consists prinsipally of what they eat, which tha
find wharever tha kan git it. Their style iz haf land,
and haf water, and tha are at home on the banks or
at the bottom ov a kanal. Tha hav sum eggs, which
tha lay in sum warm sand, and ginerally hav them
hatched out tew the halves. Tha belong tew the

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class known az “close korporashuns,” and are a
hard animil tew whip, bekause tha alwus fite under
cover. The mudturkle kant climb very well, and
therefore seldum iz found up a tree. Tha are verry
tuff ov life, and will outlive an injun rubber shoe,
and don't seem tew gro old enny faster than a paving
stone duz. Tha kan be domestikated without enny
trubble; awl yu hav tew dew, iz tew put them into
a barrel, and tha aint ap tew stray off far. Mudturkles
hav their faults, but tha won't lie, nor drink
rum, nor chaw terbacker, and tho tha cant trot as
fast az sum hosses kan, thare sure tew git tew
whare tha go tew, and never brake down on the rode.
I take a deep interest in moste awl the animils, and
particularly in mudturkles, and i dew hope that the
Legislature in their wisdum won't pass a law “prohibiting
enny more mudturkles.” I regret tew
hear, that in sum parts ov the kuntry, the people
are in the habit of using mudturkles tew pitch
quoits with, but I think this wants an affidavy with
a revenew stamp onto it.

In theze mi remarks about snaix and mudturkles i
hav tried hard tew tell the truth, but if i hav failed,
it is owing tew the grate skasity ov truth in theze

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Billings, Josh, 1818-1885 [1866], Josh Billings, hiz sayings. With comic illustrations. (Carleton, New York) [word count] [eaf674T].
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