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Billings, Josh, 1818-1885 [1866], Josh Billings, hiz sayings. With comic illustrations. (Carleton, New York) [word count] [eaf674T].
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[figure description] Page 133.[end figure description]

“Hum agin! Hum agin! from a forrin shore!”
or in uther wurds less juicy but equally tru, i hav
got back from Long Branche, whither i went tew
git mi buty and health restored. I waz thare 2
weeks, and lost 50 pounds in munny, and gained 10
pounds in meat. i feal like a fur tippet. I shall
go down nex summer, if mi life iz spared also. I
made a grate menny nu ackquaintance, that will be
hard tew fergit, amung which, waz a nu kind of likker,
which they kall apple toddy; this likker would
be an invaluable dockument tew take amung the
heathen tew convert them; 2 horns ov it would set
them crazy — for civilizashun. The natur ov the
sile or land there iz impregnated with sand, which iz
adapted tew raisin a dust when the wind bloze, and
also iz capabel ov produsing, (az i see bi the statisticks
ov the state sensus) more fleas tew the aker

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without the aid ov manure, than iz needed for hum
consumption. The two prinsipal attrackshuns there
iz the air, and the water, which are to be had in enny
quantity, at a slite advanse from fust cost. The
men and wimmin go in swimming together which at
the fust sight looks a leetle risky, but az soon az they
git used tew it, tha tell me, tha aint afrade ov each
other at all. Thare iz 15 taverns at Long Branch,
and thare iz ground room tew build more ov them, and
az far az i kno, no man need tew go away without
spending awl ov hiz munny, if he haz got enny ambishun
about him. Thare waz sevral verry fashionable
wimmin on exhibishun thare, and altho they didn't
hav on mutch clothes, what they did hav, waz wuth
the munny. I also saw sevral diamonds thare, which
they ced were discovered at little falls, in this state,
and waz wuth respectfully, from 2, to 5 dollars.
One verry pleazing feeter waz the fast trotting hosses
which belonged tew the natives ov the surrounding
country, which were brought down in front ov the
taverns evry day, tew trot for the amuzement, &
instruktion, ov the guests. The Hosses didn't seem to
me tew trot az fast az the drivers did, but i dont think
enny body ever saw more dust raized, still, if hollering
out loud iz enny sign that the hosses waz a

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trotting fast, then Flory Temple never had any bizness
at Long Branch, unless it waz for her health. Hoss
trotting iz at best a cruel enterprize, but when it iz
gone into, with slow hosses, and unskillful drivers,
it iz about az disgusting az the opening ov Rockaway
clams, with a shoe-hammer. You will find awl the
different styles ov docktrine and pollyticks, at Long
Branche. One feller asked me “if i didn't think
that the southern confederasy would be recognized before
long,” and i ced, that the southren confederasy
had bin recognized, for more than 3 years, bi awl
sensibel & honest people, az the moste cussidest ov
awl things cussid. And another feller asked me what
i thought ov the doktrine ov poligamy. i replied
tew him, in a few wurds, that it waz tew mutch
doktrine, for enny one man tew hav, and dew the
subjeck justiss. Az good a way az enny tew git tew
Long Branch, iz bi the steam Bote Jesser Hoyt, and
the Delaware Ba ralerode. The cars on this rale
rode will put enny man in minde ov one ov the
cages in which van amburgh's trained animels are
carried around the kuntry, and az for speed, thare iz
but one thing on arth slower, and that iz a bread
pill. In konclusion, Long Branch iz about the onla
thing in the state ov Nu Jersee, that dont belong tew

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the Camptown, and Amboy Ralerode, and ought tew
be visited as a natral curiosity on that vera akount,
if for no uther. The prinsipel amuzements ov the
plase are pitching cents, and walking a mile and a
half, back into the kuntry, tew see a liberty pole,
Thare iz one custom thare that mite be altered, if it
couldn't be improved, and that iz awl the niggers
seem tew hav bin born for the express purpiss ov
standing around when a guest leaves, with evry feature
in their fase resembling a 25 cent shinplaster
in distress, and even the Landlord's look, and act
az tho you waz going oph, without paying them awl
the munny yu had. Visiting Long Branch, in this
respeck, iz like going down into a marsh, in muskeeter
time, awl the inhabitants stick a bill into you.
Thare iz no ingenuity in this wa ov skinning a man,
it iz like skinning a cat, a little evry day, tew make
it hurt less.

Yours at sight, Josh Billings.

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Billings, Josh, 1818-1885 [1866], Josh Billings, hiz sayings. With comic illustrations. (Carleton, New York) [word count] [eaf674T].
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