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Billings, Josh, 1818-1885 [1866], Josh Billings, hiz sayings. With comic illustrations. (Carleton, New York) [word count] [eaf674T].
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“Man was made tew mourn,” so warbled Burns,
“and woman was made tew kiss,” so warbles Billings.
One ov these centiments haz bin alreddy immortalised,
and the other i intend shall be as soon
as the Legislater meets. I am not yet lusid how i
shall bring the matter befoar that honorabil boddy;
but i dew kno how the honorabel boddy feals on the
subject, and how tha will act if ever tha hav a good
chanse. To give a fertile and golden opinyun, upon
kissing in the lump, and kissing in the detale, requires
a man ov truth, and sum experiense in tasteing.


Kissing iz one ov those fu things that is easier
dun than deskribed; in fack, about the onla way

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tew deskribe it well is tew do it well. It iz, without
doubt, a verry anshunt enterprise; and judgeing
from what we kno ov human natur in this latitude,
it must hav struk Adam as a good investment when
he fust diskovered hiz wife. If Adam didn't kiss
Eve at sight he aint the man i take him tew be;
and if Eve didn't relish it, it must hav bin bekause
it want well did. Thare iz one thing about kissing
in the lump, diffrent from the rest ov the fine arts
and that iz, it don't require enny eddikashun tew
dew it; i hav even thort that the more unedikated
it waz did (provided it didn't miss the mark) the
more touching it was tew behold. But kissing is a
good deal like eating; thare is not much fun (when
a person iz hungry) in standing by, and see it did
bi anuther fellow, if it iz did ever so well. It is
one ov the cheapess and healthyess luxurys ov the
season, and don't sho enny disposishun tew go out
ov fashion, and will keep sweet in enny climate.
Upon the whole, if yu examine kissing in the lump,
clussly, yu will be led tew exclaim: Fustly, that it
iz as easy tew hav it did, az it is handy tew dew it.
Sekundly, that it is like Cowpers tea, it cures a
man without corning him; and, Thirdly, it is a
frugal, highly consentrated, and reverend luxury.

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When we cum tew thro oph glittering generalitys
and approach our subjeck in single file, it is then
that the divinitee ov the art seems to be spotted;
and reveals tew us awl the shades ov pomp and sirkumstanze,
from the sublime and tender, clear down
tew the redikilus and tuff. Mother's kiss and little
baby's kiss are az pure az the utterance ov angells;
so is the artless kiss ov sister Mary and — couzin
Fanny; but thare iz one cold, blu, lean kiss, that
alwus makes me shiver tew see. Two persons (ov
the femail perswashun) who hav witnesst a grate
menny younger and more pulpy daze, meet in sum
publik plase, and not having saw each uther for 24
hours tha kiss immegiately; then tha talk about
the weather, and the young man who preached yesterday,
and then tha kiss immegiately, and then
tha blush and laff at what tha sa tew each other,
and kiss agin immegiately. I would not objeckt
tew awl this if it want sich a waste ov swetness
on the dessart air. I am willing tew be sworn
that this kind ov kissing alwus puts me in minde
ov two olde flints trieing tew strike fire. How
different this from the konnubial kiss i witnesst

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laste nite. I knu he wast a husband jist got back
from a bizzness tower, bi hiz haste. He passt me
at the korner below, and awl unexpected enkountered
hiz wife, and as natral as the bee tew the
the flower, tha flu together. Thare want enny thing
sentimental about that kiss; thare want enny thing
criminal about it. It rang out on the air as clear
as the challenge ov a perlice offiser — it filled a
whole block. Thare want mutch prelimnary about
it neither, for it smashed a 50 dollar bonnett, and
muxed up a barricade ov edging and frizzled tucker.
It want the fust one, it waz tew well did for that.
It want the sipping ov two trembling lovers, afraid
ov the echo; it want studdyed out nor stolen, but it
wast full ov honest ripeness and chastened struggle
which made me hanker for — for, one oph from the
same peace. Jist one more remark and I am thru.
Thare is one kind ov kissing that has alwus been
deeemd extra hazardous (on akount ov fire) and
that is kissing yure naber's wife. Gitting the
wife's consent don't seem tew make the matter enny
the less risky.

Moral.—Don't eat onions during the kissing
seazon unless yu chew them well.

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Billings, Josh, 1818-1885 [1866], Josh Billings, hiz sayings. With comic illustrations. (Carleton, New York) [word count] [eaf674T].
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