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Billings, Josh, 1818-1885 [1866], Josh Billings, hiz sayings. With comic illustrations. (Carleton, New York) [word count] [eaf674T].
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[figure description] Page 087.[end figure description]

Yu are about 2 begin life, yung men, for the fust
time, and I suppose thare wud be no impropriety in
mi saing, for the last time tew. It is hily important
or thereabouts, that yu set down in sum kool
plase, and take an honest akount ov stok, or in other
wurds, less poetick but equally tru, yu sarch out
the ramifikashun ov natur, and see what natur haz
ramified yu for. Now skriptur will tell yu, that
men don't gether pigs from thissels, neither dus the
husband, nor hiz wife, nor enny ov his relashuns,
plant korn when tha are after pumpkins, nor sow
bukwheat, when he iz a lookin for old rye. Kauze
and affeck iz anuther awful good thing to studdy;
yu will find this talked ov in Dan Webster's dicktionary.
Having follered the above advise, and having
hefted the above reasoning, yu will cum tew the
konklusion, whether it iz best for yu tu studdy law,

-- 088 --

[figure description] Page 088.[end figure description]

or studdy shumaking, both ov them honerabil biznisses,
and equally kondusiv tew helth. Yu will
also be enabled tew bet with dispatch, whether yu
hav a kall, tew preach the gospil, or sel yankee noshuns
at auction, both ov them respektuous, if honestla
follared, and both ov them liabel tew be led
estra, and end at laste in the bronkeetis. The studdy
ov medisin will present itself and flap its wings
and crow, but it kant fule yu, bekause yu have sot
down, as rekomended above, and tuk akount ov yure
liabilitys, and kno tew a spot whether yu air konstructed
rite for a veteran surgeon amung hosses, or
hav the rite natur for dealing out kalamil & gallup
amung men, wimmin & childrin. Yu will likewize
hav it in yure power tew gess clussly between being
a kolporter or keeping a billiard tabil; if yu find
that yure goose iz morally sound, yu will itinerate
at onst, but if yu diskiver a leak in yure base, yu
will take up yure cue, naturally & akordinly. Selling
dri goods and blaksmithing wil klaim yure especial
notis, and wil bother yu dredfully for a verdik;
but if yu find yu hav kalico on the brain, &
aint afraid tew stretch the cloth & the truth a little,
when yu mezure it, yu will straddle the kounter like
an ingyrubber clothes pin, and smile on yure

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[figure description] Page 089.[end figure description]

kustomers like a sleeping babe trubbled with wind.
Yu wil, without doubt, be asked tu sa whether yu
wil be a pollytisian or a blakleg, both equally honorabil.
If yu hav enny reasonable douts about
cheatin yure moste intimate frends, and aint willing
tew be seen in low grogerys on lecktion daze, buying
votes with cheap whiska and kounterfit munny,
and dont expek tew buy yure elekshun, and then
sell yure prinsiples tew git even; if yu kant go this,
and tend awl the churches near yu in rotashun, and
hear folks sa, “What an ornyment to sosiety he
iz!” i sa, if yu kant go all this without blushing,
yu will ov course adopt the blakleg, and gain an
honest living bi cheatin on the square.

Yung men yu will awl detek in this lekture a
frendla feeling towards yu bi the author, and if yu
foller the direckshuns laid down above, yu wil diskiver
the wigglings ov yure genius, in time perhaps,
tew saive yureselfs from cuming the govenor ov sum
state, when natur kindly ramified yu for a carpenter
and jiner.

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Billings, Josh, 1818-1885 [1866], Josh Billings, hiz sayings. With comic illustrations. (Carleton, New York) [word count] [eaf674T].
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