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Billings, Josh, 1818-1885 [1866], Josh Billings, hiz sayings. With comic illustrations. (Carleton, New York) [word count] [eaf674T].
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[figure description] Page 056.[end figure description]

When a man cums tew the konklusion that he
would like tew kill sumboddy at thirty paces, he imagines
that he haz bin wronged, and sends hiz best
friend a challenge tew fite a dewell; tha meet, and
an elegant murder iz committed; the cracks, in this
transaktion are puttyed up, and then varnished over,
bi being kalled, “an affair ov honnor.” When a
man robs a saving bank, or goes tew urope on the
last steamer, with the stolen reseipts ov a sanitary
kommittee in his pocket, a kommittee ov investigashun
are got together tew examine the stait ov affairs,
and unanimously report “a diskrepansy in hiz
” 2 yung men hire a hoss and buggy at
a livri stable, and go into the kuntry on Sunda.
Tha stop at the fust tavern tha meet, and invest
in sum ardent speerits. They stop agin pretty
soon, and histe in sum more ardent speerits. The
more tha histe in, the more tha drive, till bi and bi

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a devilish bridge tips them over into a devilish gutter
that sumboddy haz left bi the side ov the road, and
tha are awl killed, including the hoss and buggy.
This is kalled a “Fatal acksident.” A man and
hiz wife are living in the middle ov joy and consolashun,
tha are surrounded on awl sides bi a yung
and interesting familee, their bread iz cut thin, and
buttered on both sides and the edges, but the destroyer
enters the family, the wife wants a nu silk
gown, the man sez he “be d—d if she duz,” and
she “be d—d if she dont.” One word brings on
another, till tha fite, both ov them lose awl the hair
in their heds, and 2 full setts ov false teeth, the
thing ends in a divorse, the man runs awa tew Australia
bi the overland route, the woman marry's a
cirkus rider at 40 Dollars a month, the children are
adopted bi sum sunda school, and are brought up on
homopathy. This furnishes a collum and a half in
the nusepaper, under the hed ov “Disturbanse ov
the marrid relation.
” A youth ov 21 summer begins
life with 36 thousand dollars. Sevral fast
hosses belong tew him, there iz sevral fast wimmin
that he belongs tew, awl the tavern keepers are hiz
patrons, faro banks are bilt for hiz amuzement, consolidated
lotterys are chartered on purpiss tew make

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him happee; nothing iz left undun tew make him feel
good. He wakes up about the 25th ov next May,
without a dollar in hiz pocket, and a host ov warm
friends on hiz hands, without enny visible means ov
supporting them. He takes an akount ov stock, he
buys a pint ov rum and 4 yards ov bed kord, the
one makes him limber, while the other makes him
stiff. The putty and varnish in this kase iz,
Driven tew desperashun on akount of finanshul
” A rale rode trane stands snorting in
front ov the depoe, the last bel iz ringing, the kars
are full ov souls that belong tew different individuals,
the konducktor iz full ov Bourbon, that belongs tew
the devil, the engineer labors under an attack ov
Jamaka for the broketis, the switchmen likes a leetle
good old rye, the kars diskount 45 miles a hour,
2 trains tri tew pass each other on the same track; it
kant be did suckcessfully; the mangled and ded are
kounted bi skores, a searching investigashun takes
plase, the community iz satizfied, bekause it waz,
an unavoidable katastrophe.” The Devil furnishes
putty and varnish, free ov expense, tew hide
the frauds and guilt ov men. Aul ov which iz respekfully
committed Bi

Josh Billings.

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Billings, Josh, 1818-1885 [1866], Josh Billings, hiz sayings. With comic illustrations. (Carleton, New York) [word count] [eaf674T].
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