SCENE V.
A Room in the Garter Inn.
Enter Host and Simple.
Host.
What wouldst thou have, boor? what, thickskin?
speak, breathe, discuss; brief, short, quick, snap.
-- 257 --
Sim.
Marry, sir, I come to speak with sir John Falstaff
from master Slender.
Host.
There's his chamber, his house, his castle, his
standing-bed, and truckle-bed: 'tis painted about with
the story of the prodigal, fresh and new. Go, knock
and call; he'll speak like an Anthropophaginian unto
thee: knock, I say.
Sim.
There's an old woman, a fat woman, gone up
into his chamber: I'll be so bold as stay, sir, till she
come down; I come to speak with her, indeed.
Host.
Ha! a fat woman? the knight may be robbed:
I'll call.—Bully knight! Bully sir John! speak from
thy lungs military; art thou there? it is thine host,
thine Ephesian, calls.
Fal. [above.]
How now, mine host!
Host.
Here's a Bohemian Tartar tarries the coming
down of thy fat woman. Let her descend, bully, let
her descend; my chambers are honourable: fie! privacy?
fie!
Enter Falstaff.
Fal.
There was, mine host, an old fat woman even
now with me, but she's gone.
Sim.
Pray you, sir, was't not the wise woman of
Brentford?
Fal.
Ay, marry, was it, muscle-shell: what would
you with her?
Sim.
My master, sir, my master Slender, sent to her,
seeing her go through the streets, to know, sir, whether
one Nym, sir, that beguiled him of a chain, had the
chain, or no.
Fal.
I spake with the old woman about it.
Sim.
And what says she, I pray, sir?
Fal.
Marry, she says, that the very same man, that
beguiled master Slender of his chain, cozened him of it.
Sim.
I would, I could have spoken with the woman
-- 258 --
herself: I had other things to have spoken with her
too, from him.
Fal.
What are they? let us know.
Host.
Ay, come; quick.
Sim.
I may not conceal them, sir?
Host.
Conceal them, or thou diest. 11Q0088
Sim.
Why, sir, they were nothing but about mistress
Anne Page; to know, if it were my master's fortune
to have her, or no.
Fal.
'Tis, 'tis his fortune.
Sim.
What, sir?
Fal.
To have her,—or no. Go; say, the woman told
me so.
Sim.
May I be bold to say so, sir?
Fal.
Ay, sir, tike, who more bold8 note?
Sim.
I thank your worship. I shall make my master
glad with these tidings.
[Exit Simple.
Host.
Thou art clerkly, thou art clerkly, sir John.
Was there a wise woman with thee?
Fal.
Ay, that there was, mine host; one, that hath
taught me more wit than ever I learned before in my
life: and I paid nothing for it neither, but was paid for
my learning.
Enter Bardolph.
Bard.
Out, alas, sir! cozenage; mere cozenage!
Host.
Where be my horses? speak well of them,
varletto.
Bard.
Run away with the cozeners; 11Q0089 for so soon as I
came beyond Eton, they threw me off from behind one
of them in a slough of mire; and set spurs, and away,
like three German devils, three Doctor Faustuses9 note.
-- 259 --
Host.
They are gone but to meet the duke, villain.
Do not say, they be fled: Germans are honest men.
Enter Sir Hugh Evans.
Eva.
Where is mine host?
Host.
What is the matter, sir?
Eva.
Have a care of your entertainments: there is a
friend of mine come to town tells me, there is three
couzin germans, that has cozened all the hosts of Readings,
of Maidenhead, of Colebrook, of horses and money.
I tell you for good-will, look you: you are wise,
and full of gibes and vlouting-stogs, and 'tis not convenient
you should be cozened. Fare you well.
[Exit.
Enter Doctor Caius.
Caius.
Vere is mine Host de Jarretière?
Host.
Here, master doctor, in perplexity, and doubtful
dilemma.
Caius.
I cannot tell vat is dat; but it is tell-a me,
dat you make grand preparation for a duke de Jarmany:
by my trot, dere is no duke, dat de court is
know to come. I tell you for good vill: adieu.
[Exit.
Host.
Hue and cry, villain! go.—Assist me, knight;
I am undone.—Fly, run, hue and cry, villain! I am
undone!
[Exeunt Host and Bardolph.
Fal.
I would all the world might be cozened, for I
have been cozened, and beaten too. If it should come
to the ear of the court how I have been transformed,
and how my transformation hath been washed and cudgelled,
they would melt me out of my fat, drop by drop,
and liquor fishermen's boots with me: I warrant, they
would whip me with their fine wits, till I were as crest-
-- 260 --
fallen as a dried pear. I never prospered since I forswore
myself at primero1 note. Well, if my wind were but
long enough to say my prayers2 note, I would repent.—
Enter Mistress Quickly.
Now, whence come you?
Quick.
From the two parties, forsooth.
Fal.
The devil take one party, and his dam the other,
and so they shall be both bestowed. I have suffered
more for their sakes, more, than the villainous inconstancy
of man's disposition is able to bear.
Quick.
And have not they suffered? Yes, I warrant;
speciously one of them: mistress Ford, good heart, is
beaten black and blue, that you cannot see a white spot
about her.
Fal.
What tell'st thou me of black and blue? I
was beaten myself into all the colours of the rainbow;
and I was like to be apprehended for the witch of
Brentford: but that my admirable dexterity of wit, my
counterfeiting the action of an old woman, deliver'd
me, the knave constable had set me i' the stocks, i' the
common stocks, for a witch.
Quick.
Sir, let me speak with you in your chamber;
you shall hear how things go, and, I warrant, to your
content. Here is a letter will say somewhat. Good
hearts! what ado here is to bring you together. Sure,
one of you does not serve heaven well, that you are so
crossed.
Fal.
Come up into my chamber.
[Exeunt.
-- 261 --
J. Payne Collier [1842–1844], The works of William Shakespeare. The text formed from an entirely new collation of the old editions: with the various readings, notes, a life of the poet, and a history of the Early English stage. By J. Payne Collier, Esq. F.S.A. In eight volumes (Whittaker & Co. [etc.], London) [word count] [S10101].
