Jaq.

There is sure another flood toward, and these couples are coming to the ark. Here come a pair of very strange beasts, which in all tongues are call'd fools.

Clo.

Salutation and greeting to you all.

Jaq.

Good my Lord, bid him welcome. This is the motley-minded gentleman that I have so often met in the forest: he hath been a courtier, he swears.

&plquo;Clo.

&plquo;If any man doubt that, let him put me to my purgation; I have trod a measure, I have flatter'd a lady, I have been politick with my friend, smooth with mine enemy, I have undone three taylors, I have had four quarrels, and like to have fought one.&prquo;

Jaq.

And how was that ta'en up?

Clo.

'Faith we met, and found the quarrel was upon the seventh cause.

Jaq.

How the seventh cause? good my lord, like this fellow.

Duke Sen.

I like him very well.

Clo.

God'ild you, Sir, I desire you of the like: I press in here, Sir, amongst the rest of the country copulatives, to swear, and to forswear, according as marriage binds, and blood breaks: a poor virgin, Sir, an ill-favour'd thing, Sir, but mine own, a poor humour of mine, Sir, to take that that no man else will. Rich honesty dwells like a miser, Sir, in a poor house, as your pearl in your foul oyster.

Duke Sen.

By my faith, he is very swift and sententious.

Clo.

According to the fool's bolt, Sir, and such dulcet diseases.

Jaq.

But for the seventh cause; how did you find the quarrel on the seventh cause?

Clo.

Upon a lie seven times removed; (bear your body more seeming, Audrey) as thus, Sir; I did dislike the cut of a certain courtier's beard; he sent me word, if I said his beard was not cut well, he was in the mind it was: this is call'd the retort courteous. If I sent him word again, it was not well cut, he would send me word, he cut it to please himself. This is call'd the quip modest. If again, it was not well cut, he disabled my judgment: this is call'd the reply churlish. If again, it was not well cut, he would answer, I spake not true: this is call'd the reproof valiant. If again, it was not well cut, he would say, I lie:

this is call'd the countercheck quarrelsome; and so the lie circumstantial, and the lie direct.

Jaq.

And how oft did you say his beard was not well cut?

Clo.

I durst go no further than the lie circumstantial; nor he durst not give me the lie direct, and so we measur'd swords, and parted.

Jaq.

Can you nominate in order now the degrees of the lie?

Clo.

O Sir, we quarrel in print, by the book; as you have books for good manners. I will name you the degrees. The first, the retort courteous; the second, the quip modest; the third, the reply churlish; the fourth, the reproof valiant; the fifth, the countercheck quarrelsome; the sixth, the lie with circumstance; the seventh, the lie direct. All these you may avoid, but the lie direct; and you may avoid that too, with an If. I knew when seven justices could not take up a quarrel, but when the parties were met themselves, one of them thought but of an If; as, if you said so, then I said so; and they shook hands, and swore brothers. Your If is the only peace-maker; much virtue in If.

Jaq.

Is not this a rare fellow, my lord? he's good at any thing, and yet a fool.

Duke Sen.

He uses his folly like a stalking-horse, and under the presentation of that he shoots his wit.