[figure description] Page 137.[end figure description]

My way lay through the city. I had &longs;carcely
entered it when I was &longs;eized with a general sensation
of &longs;ickne&longs;s. Every object grew dim and &longs;wam
before my &longs;ight. It was with difficulty I prevented
my&longs;elf from &longs;inking to the bottom of the carriage.
I ordered my&longs;elf to be carried to Mrs. Baynton's,
in hope that an interval of repo&longs;e would invigorate
and refre&longs;h me. My di&longs;tracted thoughts would
allow me but little re&longs;t. Growing &longs;omewhat better
in the afternoon, I re&longs;umed my journey.

My contemplations were limited to a few objects.
I regarded my &longs;ucce&longs;s, in the purpo&longs;e which I had
in view, as con&longs;iderably doubtful. I depended, in
&longs;ome degree, on the &longs;ugge&longs;tions of the moment,
and on the materials which Pleyel him&longs;elf &longs;hould
furni&longs;h me. When I reflected on the nature of
the accu&longs;ation, I burned with di&longs;dain. Would not
truth, and the con&longs;ciou&longs;ne&longs;s of innocence, render
me triumphant? Should I not ca&longs;t from me, with
irre&longs;i&longs;tible force, &longs;uch atrocious imputations?

What an entire and mournful change has been
effected in a few hours! The gulf that &longs;eparates
man from infects is not wider than that which fevers
the polluted from the cha&longs;te among women.
Ye&longs;terday and to-day I am the &longs;ame. There is a
degree of depravity to which it is impo&longs;&longs;ible for me
to &longs;ink; yet, in the apprehen&longs;ion of another, my
ancient and intimate a&longs;&longs;ociate, the perpetual witness
of my actions, and partaker of my thoughts,

[figure description] Page 138.[end figure description]

I had cea&longs;ed to be the &longs;ame. My integrity was tarnished
and withered in his eyes. I was the colleague
of a murderer, and the paramour of a thief!

His opinion was not de&longs;titute of evidence: yet
what proofs could rea&longs;onably avail to e&longs;tabli&longs;h an
opinion like this? If the &longs;entiments corre&longs;ponded
not with the voice that was heard, the evidence
was deficient; but this want of corre&longs;pondence
would have been &longs;uppo&longs;ed by me if I had been
the auditor and Pleyel the criminal. But mimicry
might &longs;till more plau&longs;ibly have been employed to
explain the &longs;cene. Alas! it is the fate of Clara
Wieland to fall into the hands of a precipitate and
inexorable judge.

But what, O man of mi&longs;chief! is the tendency
of thy thoughts? Fru&longs;trated in thy fir&longs;t de&longs;ign,
thou wilt not forego the immolation of thy victim.
To exterminate my reputation was all that remained
to thee, and this my guardian has permitted.
To di&longs;po&longs;&longs;e&longs;s Pleyel of this prejudice may be impossible;
but if that be effected, it cannot be supposed
that thy wiles are exhau&longs;ted; thy cunning
will di&longs;cover innumerable avenues to the accomplishment
of thy malignant purpo&longs;e.

Why &longs;hould I enter the li&longs;ts again&longs;t thee? Would
to heaven I could di&longs;arm thy vengeance by my deprecations!
When I think of all the re&longs;ources
with which nature and education have &longs;upplied
thee; that thy form is a combination of &longs;teely fibres
and organs of exqui&longs;ite ductility and boundle&longs;s compass,
actuated by an intelligence gifted with infinite
endowments, and comprehending all knowledge,
I perceive that my doom is fixed. What ob&longs;tacle
will be able to divert thy zeal or repel thy efforts?
That being who has hitherto protected me has
borne te&longs;timony to the formidablene&longs;s of thy

[figure description] Page 139.[end figure description]

attempts, &longs;ince nothing le&longs;s than &longs;upernatural interference
could check thy career.

Mu&longs;ing on the&longs;e thoughts, I arrived, towards the
clo&longs;e of the day, at Pleyel's hou&longs;e. A month before,
I had traver&longs;ed the &longs;ame path; but how different
were my &longs;en&longs;ations! Now I was &longs;eeking
the pre&longs;ence of one who regarded me as the mo&longs;t
degenerate of human kind. I was to plead the
cau&longs;e of my innocence, again&longs;t witne&longs;&longs;es the mo&longs;t
explicit and unerring, of tho&longs;e which &longs;upport the
fabric of human knowledge. The nearer I approached
the cri&longs;is, the more did my confidence decay.
When the chai&longs;e &longs;topped at the door, my
&longs;trength refu&longs;ed to &longs;upport me, and I threw my&longs;elf
into the arms of an ancient female dome&longs;tic. I
had not courage to inquire whether her ma&longs;ter was
at home. I was tormented with fears that the projected
journey was already undertaken. The&longs;e
fears were removed, by her a&longs;king me whether &longs;he
&longs;hould call her young ma&longs;ter, who had ju&longs;t gone
into his own room. I was &longs;omewhat revived by
this intelligence, and re&longs;olved immediately to &longs;eek
him there.

In my confu&longs;ion of mind, I neglected to knock
at the door, but entered his apartment without
previous notice. This abruptne&longs;s was altogether
involuntary. Ab&longs;orbed in reflections of &longs;uch unspeakable
moment, I had no lei&longs;ure to heed the
niceties of punctilio. I di&longs;covered him &longs;tanding
with his back towards the entrance. A &longs;mall trunk,
with its lid rai&longs;ed, was before him, in which it
&longs;eemed as if he had been bu&longs;y in packing his clothes.
The moment of my entrance, he was employed in
gazing at &longs;omething which he held in his hand.

I imagined that I fully comprehended this &longs;cene.
The image which he held before him, and by which

[figure description] Page 140.[end figure description]

his attention was &longs;o deeply engaged, I doubted not
to be my own. The&longs;e preparations for his journey,
the cau&longs;e to which it was to be imputed, the
hopele&longs;&longs;ne&longs;s of &longs;ucce&longs;s in the undertaking on which
I had entered, ru&longs;hed at once upon my feelings, and
di&longs;&longs;olved me into a flood of tears.

Startled by this &longs;ound, he dropped the lid of the
trunk and turned. The &longs;olemn &longs;adne&longs;s that previously
over&longs;pread his countenance, gave &longs;udden
way to an attitude and look of the mo&longs;t vehement
a&longs;toni&longs;hment. Perceiving me unable to uphold myself,
he &longs;tepped towards me without &longs;peaking, and
&longs;upported me by his arm. The kindne&longs;s of this
action called forth a new effu&longs;ion from my eyes.
Weeping was a &longs;olace to which, at that time, I had
not grown familiar, and which, therefore, was peculiarly
delicious. Indignation was no longer to
be read in the features of my friend. They were
pregnant with a mixture of wonder and pity.
Their expre&longs;&longs;ion was ea&longs;ily interpreted. This vi&longs;it,
and the&longs;e tears, were tokens of my penitence. The
wretch whom he had &longs;tigmatized as incurably and
obdurately wicked, now &longs;hewed her&longs;elf &longs;u&longs;ceptible
of remor&longs;e, and had come to confe&longs;s her guilt.

This per&longs;ua&longs;ion had no tendency to comfort
me: It only &longs;hewed me, with new evidence, the
difficulty of the ta&longs;k which I had a&longs;&longs;igned my&longs;elf.
We were mutually &longs;ilent. I had le&longs;s power and
le&longs;s inclination than ever to &longs;peak. I extricated
my&longs;elf from his hold, and threw my&longs;elf on a &longs;ofa.
He placed him&longs;elf by my &longs;ide, and appeared to wait
with impatience and anxiety for &longs;ome beginning of
the conver&longs;ation. What could I &longs;ay? It my mind
had &longs;ugge&longs;ted any thing &longs;uitable to the occa&longs;ion, my
utterance was &longs;uffocated by tears.

Frequently he attempted to &longs;peak, but &longs;eemed

[figure description] Page 141.[end figure description]

deterred by &longs;ome degree of uncertainty as to the true
nature of the &longs;cene. At length, in faltering accents
he &longs;poke:

“My friend! would to heaven I were &longs;till permitted
to call you by that name. The image that
I once adored exi&longs;ted only in my fancy; but though
I cannot hope to &longs;ee it realized, you may not be
totally in&longs;en&longs;ible to the horrors of that gulf into
which you are about to plunge. What heart is
forever exempt from the goadings of compunction
and the influx of laudable propen&longs;ities?

“I thought you accompli&longs;hed and wi&longs;e beyond
the re&longs;t of women. Not a &longs;entiment you uttered,
not a look you a&longs;&longs;umed, that were not, in my apprehension,
sraught with the &longs;ublimities of rectitude
and the illuminations of genius. Deceit has
&longs;ome bounds. Your education could not be without
influence. A vigorous under&longs;tanding cannot be utterly
devoid of virtue; but you could not counterfeit
the powers of invention and rea&longs;oning. I was
ra&longs;h in my invectives. I will not, but with life,
relinqui&longs;h all hopes of you. I will &longs;hut out every
proof that would tell me that your heart is incura—
bly di&longs;ea&longs;ed.

“You come to re&longs;tore me once more to happiness;
to convince me that you have torn her ma&longs;k
from vice, and feel nothing but abhorrence for the
part you have hitherto acted.”

At the&longs;e words my equanimity for&longs;ook me. For
a moment I forgot the evidence from which Pleyel's
opinions were derived, the benevolence of his remonstrances,
and the grief which his accents bespoke;
I was filled with indignation and horror at
charges &longs;o black; I &longs;hrunk back and darted at him
a look of di&longs;dain and anger. My pa&longs;&longs;ion &longs;upplied
me with words.

[figure description] Page 142.[end figure description]

“What dete&longs;table infatuation was it that led me
hither! Why do I patiently endure the&longs;e horrible
in&longs;ults! My offences exi&longs;t only in your own distempered
imagination: you are leagued with the
traitor who a&longs;&longs;ailed my life: you have vowed the
de&longs;truction of my peace and honor. I de&longs;erve infamy
for li&longs;tening to calumnies &longs;o ba&longs;e!”

The&longs;e words were heard by Pleyel without visible
re&longs;entment. His countenance relap&longs;ed into its
former gloom; but he did not even look at me.
The ideas which had given place to my angry
emotions returned, and once more melted me into
tears. “O!” I exclaimed, in a voice broken by
&longs;obs, “what a ta&longs;k is mine! Compelled to hear-ken
to charges which I feel to be fal&longs;e, but which
I know to be believed by him that utters them;
believed too not without evidence, which, though
fallacious, is not unplau&longs;ible.

“I came hither not to confe&longs;s, but to vindicate.
I know the &longs;ource of your opinions. Wieland has
informed me on what your &longs;u&longs;picions are built.
The&longs;e &longs;u&longs;picions are fo&longs;tered by you as certainties;
the tenor of my life, of all my conver&longs;ations and
letters, affords me no &longs;ecurity; every &longs;entiment that
my tongue and my pen have uttered, bear te&longs;timony
to the rectitude of my mind; but this te&longs;timony is
rejected. I am condemned as brutally profligate: I
am cla&longs;&longs;ed with the &longs;tupidly and &longs;ordidly wicked.

“And where are the proofs that mu&longs;t ju&longs;tify &longs;o
foul and &longs;o improbable an accu&longs;ation? You have
overheard a midnight conference. Voices have saluted
your ear, in which you imagine your&longs;elf to
have recognized mine, and that of a detected villain.
The &longs;entiments expre&longs;&longs;ed were not allowed
to outweigh the ca&longs;ual or concerted re&longs;emblance of
voice. Sentiments the rever&longs;e of all tho&longs;e who&longs;e

[figure description] Page 143.[end figure description]

influence my former life had atte&longs;ted, denoting a
mind polluted by grovelling vices, and entering into
compact with that of a thief and a murderer. The
nature of the&longs;e &longs;entiments did not enable you to
detect the cheat, did not &longs;ugge&longs;t to you the possibility
that my voice had been counterfeited by another.

“You were precipitate and prone to condemn.
In&longs;tead of ru&longs;hing on the impo&longs;tors, and comparing
the evidence of &longs;ight with that of hearing, you
&longs;tood aloof, or you fled. My innocence would
not now have &longs;tood in need of vindication, if this
conduct had been pur&longs;ued. That you did not pursue
it, your pre&longs;ent thoughts inconte&longs;tibly prove.
Yet this conduct might &longs;urely have been expected
from Pleyel. That he would not ha&longs;tily impute
the blacke&longs;t of crimes, that he would not couple
my name with infamy, and cover me with ruin for
inadequate or &longs;light rea&longs;ons, might rea&longs;onably have
been expected.” The &longs;obs which convul&longs;ed my
bo&longs;om would not &longs;uffer me to proceed.

Pleyel was for a moment affected. He looked at
me with &longs;ome expre&longs;&longs;ion of doubt; but this quickly
gave place to a mournful &longs;olemnity. He fixed his
eyes on the floor as in reverie, and &longs;poke:

“Two hours hence I am gone. Shall I carry
away with me the &longs;orrow that is now my gue&longs;t?
or &longs;hall that &longs;orrow be accumulated tenfold? What
is &longs;he that is now before me? Shall every hour
&longs;upply me with new proofs of a wickedne&longs;s beyond
example? Already I deem her the mo&longs;t abandoned
and dete&longs;table of human creatures. Her coming
and her tears imparted a gleam of hope, but that
gleam has vani&longs;hed.”

He now fixed his eyes upon me, and every
mu&longs;cle in his face trembled. His tone was hollow

[figure description] Page 144.[end figure description]

and terrible—“Thou knowe&longs;t that I was a witne&longs;s
of your interview, yet thou come&longs;t hither to upbraid
me for inju&longs;tice! Thou can&longs;t look me in
the face and &longs;ay that I am deceived!—An inscrutable
providence has fa&longs;hioned thee for &longs;ome end.
Thou wilt live, no doubt, to fulfil the purpo&longs;es
of thy maker, if he repent not of his workmanship,
and &longs;end not his vengeance to exterminate
thee, ere the mea&longs;ure of thy days be full. Surely
nothing in the &longs;hape of man can vie with thee!

“But I thought I had &longs;tifled this fury. I am
not con&longs;tituted thy judge. My office is to pity and
amend, and not to puni&longs;h and revile. I deemed myself
exempt from all tempe&longs;tuous pa&longs;&longs;ions. I had
almo&longs;t per&longs;uaded my&longs;elf to weep over thy fall; but
I am frail as du&longs;t, and mutable as water; I am
calm, I am compa&longs;&longs;ionate only in thy ab&longs;ence.—
Make this hou&longs;e, this room, thy abode as long as
thou wilt, but forgive me if I prefer &longs;olitude for the
&longs;hort time during which I &longs;hall &longs;tay.” Saying this,
he motioned as if to leave the apartment.

The &longs;tormy pa&longs;&longs;ions of this man affected me by
&longs;ympathy. I cea&longs;ed to weep. I was motionle&longs;s
and &longs;peechle&longs;s with agony. I &longs;at with my hands
cla&longs;ped, mutely gazing after him as he withdrew.
I de&longs;ired to detain him, but was unable to make
any effort for that purpo&longs;e, till he had pa&longs;&longs;ed out
of the room. I then uttered an involuntary and
piercing cry—“Pleyel! Art thou gone? Gone
forever?”

At this &longs;ummons he ha&longs;tily returned. He beheld
me wild, pale, ga&longs;ping for breath, and my head already
&longs;inking on my bo&longs;om. A painful dizzine&longs;s
&longs;eized me, and I fainted away.

When I recovered, I found my&longs;elf &longs;tretched on
a bed in the outer apartment, and Pleyel, with two

[figure description] Page 145.[end figure description]

female &longs;ervants &longs;tanding be&longs;ide it. All the fury and
&longs;corn which the countenance of the former lately
expre&longs;&longs;ed, had now di&longs;appeared, and was &longs;ucceded
by the mo&longs;t tender anxiety. As &longs;oon as he perceived
that my &longs;en&longs;es were returned to me, he cla&longs;ped
his hands, and exclaimed, “God be thanked! you
are once more alive. I had almo&longs;t de&longs;paired of
your recovery. I fear I have been precipitate and
unju&longs;t. My &longs;en&longs;es mu&longs;t have been the victims of
&longs;ome inexplicable and momentary phrenzy. Forgive
me, I be&longs;eech you, forgive my reproaches. I
would purcha&longs;e conviction of your purity, at the
price of my exi&longs;tence here and hereafter.”

He once more, in a tone of the mo&longs;t &longs;ervent
tenderne&longs;s, be&longs;ought me to be compo&longs;ed, and then
left me to the care of the women.

Previous section

Next section