The Major and the President holds a general conversation
on the state of the Nation, when the Major gives
an explanation of the financial operations as now
conducted, by means of hocus pocus, with cups and
balls.

To my old friend. Mr. Dwight, of the New York Daily
Advertiser.
Washington, 25th Jan. 1834.

Ever since I and the Gineral settled the Post Office
accounts, as I tell'd you in my last, by charging the
amount that Major Barry is astern, to “Glory” and
“Reform,” the Gineral has been more easy about it
than I am afeard other folks be, especially some of
the opposition folks in Congress; they keep smellin
round—and unless we can git up another nullification
there will be trouble, not only about the Post Office,
but some other branches of the Department.

Congress keeps hammering away yet about the deposits,
and the Gineral was gist agoin to give up, when
we got the news from Albany of the vote of the Legislatur
there in favor of the Gineral in taking away the
deposits from the United States Bank, and the vote of
the New Jersey Legislatur, and strong news too that
some other Legislaturs wo'd do the same. The Gineral
was amazingly tickled, and says he, Major, I reckon
your notion that the people wornt with us on that
pint is a mistake, and now says the Gineral, I'll hang
on and keep the deposits, and Biddle may whistle for
'em. “Well,” says I, “Gineral we'll see, and as I

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said afore, if the people don't tell the Legislaturs another
story, and Congress too, afore we are a month
older, then,” says I, “I know nothing on em. “Very
well, Major,” says the Gineral, “we'll see”—and jest
then in come Amos and the Globe man, and some more
of our folks, and lookin pretty streaked too, and I got
a notion right off there was somethin stirrin—and os
they began to tell the Gineral and Biddle was to work
bribin all the people he could to sign petitions to Congress,
asking to put back in the Bank all the deposits
agin, and to recharter the Bank. “Why,” says the
Gineral, “aint that too bad, — Major we must give
the Back, sayshe, that Latin pill, there is nothin will
stop em but that skiry factus” (or some sich a name
the Gineral calls it.) Now, says I, Gineral, stop a bit,
says I--there is one thing puzzles me considerable
about this bribin business—I should like to know who
they be who are takin bribes—it aint the nature of
things, says I, for Squire Biddle to bribe the friends of
the Bank, for that would be useless—then, says I, it
must be that he is bribin the enemies of the Bank, and
that's our party. Now, says I will you set by and hear
folks say, that our party is such a scabby set of fellows
as to take bribes—if you do, says I, I wont, and
with that I riz up, but before I could round the corner
of the table I and the Gineral was alone agin. I sat
down and said nothin—I gritted my teeth a spell, but
that didn't do much good—I took my knife and whittled
the table. but that warnt much better, and the ony
way to rights that put me in a good temper agin, was to
whistle more than 40 verses of Yankee Doodle, for I
didn't like to say a word to the Gineral whilst I was in
a pashin. The Gineral was all the while walkin up
and down the room—so as soon as I got through whistlin,
says I Gineral, I guess we best say nothin more
about bribin, says I; well, says he, Major, I reckon
you are riget, for the notion never struck me afore that
that kinder talk hits right upon the heads of our friends,
for they are the only ones that needs bribin. Now, says

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I, Gineral, jest lets you and I sit down and talk over
this business, and I'll tell you, like a true friend, how
the cat is goin to jump, and if it don't turn out as I
tell you, I'll give you my ax, and throw in my regimentals
in the bargain; and so the Gineral he sot down,
and I went at it.

In the first place, says I, if I git in a pashin, you
must keep cool—and if you git in a pashin I'll keep
cool, but if we both git in a pashin, then there's no tellin.
Well, says the Gineral, that's a good notion, Major,
for that's jest the way the Ingins do, and they
learn wisdom from natur; you never see an Ingin and
his squaw git drunk together—when one gits drunk tother
keeps sober, and so they take turn and turn about.
Well says I, I never heard that afore, but I suppose
tho' they git along better when they are both sober. O
yes, says the Gineral, in war time that is best, but not
in treaty time. Well, says I, that's matter, that aint
exactly what I am arter, but I've got a notion out on't
which I'll begin with. Some years ago the Yankees
got drunk and got up a kinder nullification; there
warnt much in it arter all, according to my old friend
Dwight's book—but folks South thought there was,
and so they kept sober; and last year the South got
drunk, and then all North kept sober, and that frolic
is ended. Now, says I, North and South and East
and West are all sober, and all shaken hands, and they
say we have all been takin a drop too much—there aint
no nullification no where in particular, but its all nullification
all about us, and all hands are formin a ring
and closin in upon us here, pretty much like a wolf
hunt—they all say we have taken the money that belongs
to the people, and the people wont be content
till we give it up—that's pretty much the nub of the
business—and we shall have petitions and memorials
from all quarters tumble in upon us, and if we don't
mind them, they will be follow'd by hard nocks, jest
like the story in the Spellin Book about the old man
drivin the boys from the apple tree—he throw'd grass

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first, and that doing no good, he tried stones, and
that brought em down pritty quick.

The Gineral he began to git in a pashin—and says he
Major I'm gittin mad. Very well says I Gineral I'll
keep cool accordin to agreement; and with that the
Gineral slatted round a spell with his hickory, and
talked about New Orleans—and Siminoli---and the
Grand tower---and I set whistling all the while---“why
Major, says the Gineral, I'll never give up the deposites
in the world”---“what” says I, “not if the people
say we was wrong in takin em? Suppose the people
say the laws are agin us, what then?”---“Well says
the Gineral I've tell'd em that the Laws are only jest
as I understand em and nothing else.” Now says I,
Gineral, suppose Clay, or Calhoun, or Webster, was
in your office and said so---and you was in Congress, or
was of the people and didn't agree with em---how then
says I? O, says the Gineral, that's a very different thing;
any one of them fellows would be dangerous to trust
with any kind of power. Well says I my notion is,
however, that the law don't mean to trust nobody---
and as I am peskily afeard one or tother on'em will git
in here arter we go to the Hermitage---I don't want to
have any thing done now by us that they will do, and
then tell us they ony do what we did. That's the only
thing that puzzles me---for says I, Gineral, sass for the
goose ought to be sass for the gander too.

Well, says the Gineral, there is something in that
Major---but says he, I cant give up the Deposits any
how; Amos says we must hold on to 'em, and all our
folks say so too. Yes, says I, Gineral, its true enuff
the hounds have got the stag down, and got a taste on
him afore the hunters come up, and I suppose there
will be leetle left but the horns and trotters: but, says
I, it aint right, and the people will tell us so you may
depend: and all I have to say is, if what we have done
is to be the rule hereafter, I dont know but I should
like to be President myself: for folks might make laws,
and all I'd have to do would be to understand 'em according
to my notion.

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I dont see Major, says the Gineral, how it is you git
sich odd notions about public sentiment. I know I
cant be mistaken, for every letter I have time to read
tells me I am right; and I read the Globe from one eend
to tother every day, and that paper tells every thing,
and I see nothin there that tells me I am rong.----Well,
says I, Gineral you know you haint got time to read
more than one letter in a nundred that comes. That's
true enuf, says the Gineral, but then our folks do, and
they tell me every thing. Tell you every thing? says
I,---but no matter?---and so I whistled Yankee Doodle
a spell. “No, No, Major, says the Gineral, the opposition
folks throw dust in your eyes, you cant see
things as clear as the rest of our folks about us.” I jest
was goin to speak, but findin my dander was liftin, I
had to go to whistlin agin, and it took me nigh upon 15
minits to git right, and I expected evry minit, I would
have to git my ax and split hickory a spell in the bargain.
Now, says I Gineral, you are the only man on
earth I'd look at a minit, and let him say so to me. I
got dust in my eyes, says I? I dont know what is goin
on in doors and out of doors? Why says I, how you
talk. Now says I, you jist sit still a minit and I'll
show you something says I worth lookin into---and I
went into a room where Mr. Van Buren and Amos and
some of our folks git together every once and a while, to
manage and talk over matters, and I've seen so much
of the games play'd there, and beln naturally curious
in most matters, I can play some on 'em nigh upon as
slick as Mr. Van Buren himself----but he is master hand
at it.---The game they had been playin most at lafterly,
was about managin the public money among the new
Deposit Banks, and showin how to use the “transfer
checks” and “contingent drafts” so as to puzzle folks
in time of need. It was done with a parcel of cups
and balls, and little strips of paper—and did tickle me
amazingly; and for a spell puzzled me tu---and so I
thought I'd jist show the Gineral and see if it would'nt
tickle and puzzle him tu. And I thought I'd let the

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Gineral see if there warn't a leetle dust in his eyes to
And so I brought in a whole arm full of this machinery.
And as soon as the Gineral saw me, says he Major
what on earth have you got there.---Why, says I, its a
trifle, and I'll tell you all about it to rights. And so I
placed the cups bottom up, all along in a row on the
table, and then I gin the Gineral a hand full of small
balls. Now says I, I'm goin to show you about as cute
a thing as you've seen in many a day---them cups we'll
call banks, and them balls is the money we took from
Squire Biddle's Bank, the next thing is to show you
how things are goin to work, now that we've got our
money from one pocket, where we always know'd where
to find it, and divided it round among twenty pockets,
where may-be you may, or may-be you may not find
nothin at all on't-- and here says I are some leetle
pieces of paper that I'm goin to make use on to throw
dust with---now says I Gineral, look sharp or you're
gone hook and line says I. Its a plagy cunnin game,
and I don't know sartin that I can play it as well as
Mr. Van Buren and Amos and some more of them are
folks, and 'specially the Treasury folks, for they have
been at it now off and on ever sense I've been here---
and Mr. Van Buren tell'd em unless they could play
at this game well, there was no use in takin away the
deposits. Now says I Gineral I'll begin---you are sartin
says I there is a ball under every cup.---O yes says
the Gineral, for I jest put em there, and then begun
sliden the cups by each other, and mixin on em, and
kept talkin about Glory and Reform---and the 8th 'o
Jinnewerry, and the Proclamation, and Veto, and
Nul lification, and some folks ben like Old Romans
born to Command! and others to obey, and so on, and
jest as the Gineral took his eye off the cups and look'd
at me, an was goin to say somthin, I slap'd som cups
together and call'd out hocuspocus, allicumpain, presto!
e pluritus unum, sine qua non, skiry factions, says I---
there says I Gineral that's the eend on't. Well says
the Gineral I dont see much in that Major---didn't you

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says I? then so much the better for the game. I suppose
then says I you think the balls are under the cups,
and jest as you put them. To be sure I do, says the
Gineral, I suspected what you was ater Major, and I
kept my eye on the cups; and no balls ever get from
under 'em without me seein 'em I'd stake my life on't
says the Gineral; and whats more I'll stake the fastest
horse in my stable, that every one of the cups has got a
ball under 'em. Well says I, Gineral, it wouldn't be
fare bettin, and so do you go to work and look. And
the Gineral he lifted up the cup, and there warn't nothin
under it but a piece of paper. The Gineral, he
was stump'd, he look'd at me and gin his face a twist,
and then he look'd in the cup and shook it. Well,
says he Major, that is plagy odd, what has become of
that ball? Well, says I, I guess the paper will tell you;
and the Gineral took up that, and rub'd his specks and
lead, “Transfer draft No. 101.” Well then I suppose,
says the Gineral, its all right---(for he had jist
begun to take the notion of the game) and insted of one
ball in the next cup there is two balls.”---“I'm not sartin,
says I, and you better look. And so the Gineral lifted
the next cup---and there warnt no balls there nother---
ony another piece of paper. The Gineral look'd a
spell at me, and opened his mouth, and then he scratched
his head, and took off his speaks, and rub'd them agin,
and then he read the paper. On one side was, “Contingent
check $500,000—and on tother side was written
“Marquess of Carmarthen,” $250,000-6 per ct.—
“Post office loans,” and all kiver'd up with figures so
you could not see a bit of “White” on the paper---the
Gineral, he blink'd at it a spell; and says he, Major,
what does this mean; well, says I. Gineral, I dont
exactly know myself but I suppose its all right, for I
see here on one corner “Amos Kindle”---“O very well,
says the Gineral, if that paper has past under the eye
of `honest Amos'---my life on't its all right. But, Major,
where is the ball I put under that cup, says the
Gineral---aint it under one of these cups? Not as I

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knows on, says I---and with that the Gineral he turned
to agin, liftin the cups and shakin on 'em and lookin
into 'em, and there warnt under any one on 'em; only---
ony pieces of paper all full of figures, and some on
'em marked “Transfer Checks,” and “Contingent
Drafts,” and “Treasury Warrants,”---the Gineral hussled
em about to see if he could find any of them balls
among em---and examined all the cups agin, and he
looked under the tables---so to rights, says he, Major,
I'm stump'd---I nock under---I'm clean beat, says the
Gineral; and now, says he, where are the balls---and
with that I put my hand in my pocket, and took em out---
well, says the Gineral, that beats all the rest. Now,
says the Gineral, what game is this, aint this nickremancy?
Well says I, Gineral, my notion is its pretty
nigh that, but Mr. Van Buren says there aint a bit of
nickremancy in it---it's ony financery, but I suppose it's
a leetle of both on em.---Well, says the Gineral, its a
plagy cunnin game, Major, aint it? O, says I, its nothin
as I play it here---you should see Van Buren at one eend
of a table, and honest Amos at tother, and some of the
folks from York State with the “Safety Funds cups” too,
strung around the table, and all on em understandin
the game nigh upon as well as Mr. Van Buren, and then
they bring in the “party cups” too---and such a movin
and hocuspocus work, I never see afore in my born days---
in lookin sometimes I would'nt bet I had a head on
my shoulders---it beats all natur says I.

Now Major, says the gineral, suppose you try it agin,
and so as I got my hand in, I played it over 2 or 3 times a
leetle better, and the gineral couldn't see the trick no
way—for when I'd find him watchin plagy close, I'd
spread the cups as far as I could reach, and talked about
“Glory” like all rath, and tell about the people's beginnin
to think that some folks was outwittin the gineral,
and that congress wouldn't go home afore they git all the
public counts sifted, and the people's money back agin
under their control, and the gineral couldn't no way keep
his eye on all the cups at once, I'd hocus pocus agin. The

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gineral couldn't see into it, and he rub'd his specks more
than twenty times, but that didn't get the dust out of his
eyes, and then I turn'd to and explain'd all I know'd
about it to the gineral, and he tried it, and after a good
many slips---pretty much as Major Barry did when he
tried it---he got along pretty well considerin. Now, Major,
says the gineral, suppose we try it with one cup, and
put all the balls under it, and see how the game works
that way. I think says the gineral, if you can outwit me
then, I may as well quit. Well, says I, gineral that was
jest my notion too; and I tell'd our folks, and offer'd to
bet any on 'em they couldn't git a piece of paper in the
place on't, without my seein it if they ony us'd one cup,
and not one on 'em would take me up---and I've tried it,
but it won't work with one cup---you must have a good
string on 'em. Some of our folks said they could fix a
cup so as to play the game with it---but they couldnt
with a plain single cup---and seein that I stump'd 'em
about the single cup, they are at work now in all parts
of the country inventin a cup with springs, and screws,
and slides, and holes inside on't. Well major, says
the gineral, I don't like to have dust throw'd in my
eyes, and I never did like this kind of hocus pocus
work, I never understand it; and I don't like this
kind of nickermancy, or financy---and it aint to
my fancy at any rate, Major, and it shan't be,
that I'm determin'd upon; and jest then in come a hull
raft of our folks from Congress, to tell the Gineral what
was goin on there; and as I had this letter to write
to you I went into the next room, and whilst I was
writin it, I'd hear the Gineral once in a while stormin
away about that plagy game of “financy” and “nickremancy”
“There won't be a dollar left,” says the
Gineral, “to pay the old sogers their pensions, if we
don't put a stop to this game,” and then they all got
to blusterin, “and we must,” and “we musn'nt do this
and that.” Oho, thinks I, when folks talk of we its
time for me to take a hand; and jist as I was goin to
to start, I heard the Gineral roar out for me, and not

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knowing what was comin I jist grab'd my ax, and was
alongside of him in a flash; and would you think it?
there was more than fifty fellows of our folks, and some
on 'em from Congress too, all standing round in a ring,
brow beating the Gineral, and tellin him not to do this,
and not to do that, and by no means not to break their
cups; for, it seems. the Gineral had jist threatened to
smash 'em; and sure enuf, as soon as he saw me he let
drive at 'em with his hickory, and he sent the cups
and balls into more than a thousand bits. “Stand by
Major” says the Gineral; never you fear me Gineral,
says I; but afore I had time to spit in my hands, the Gineral
finished the war; there warn a critter left. And
ever sense, the Gineral has been blowin off steam; and
he haint said a word to me about havin dust in my
eyes, and I begin to think the Gineral finds he has had
as much in his'n as most folks, and so that's all for the
present; only I'll jist tell you its no use for any one to
attempt now to deceive the Gineral with new plans, and
a new bank; we'll have the one we've got made a little
bigger, pritty much arter Mr. Webster's fashion,
and that meets my notion, because the country is bigger
than it was 20 years ago; and there musn't be no nickremancy
about it. The Gineral says there must be ony
a plain cup, and balls in it; then there will be no hocus
pocus without seein the trick out. So no more at
present.