The Major's conversation with the President on the subject
of the Bank, the currency, his cabinet, the proclamation,
Messrs. Clay, Taney, and other matters.

Washington, Dec. 14, 1833.
To my old friend, Mr. Dwight of the New York Daily
Advertiser.

We have got business enuf now on our hands, I tell
you; and nigh upon every day we have a squall that
brings all hands to the helm. We have had fair wind
so long, that few on us know exactly how to steer
now a days, when every wind comes right in our teeth.
I hain't had my coat off since congress met; and the
gineral says we must watch them fellows closely.
“Keep a sharp look out, Major,” says he, “on Clay—
he is a bold, independent fellow, and will speak out his
notions if the devil stands at the door; and if he had
the people with him,” says the gineral, “as I have, there
is no tellin what trouble he would give us; make as good
a gineral as ever was. But it will never do to trust
that man with power.” “Very well,” says I, “gineral—
but plague on't,” says I, “the critur some how
keeps law on his side all the while.” “That's true
enuf,” says the gineral, “and therefore we must keep
a sharper eye on him, and the time is come, now

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Major, when we must all on us try our popularity—for
when the law is agin us, we shan't have nothin else to
stand on. There is nothin,” says the gineral, “like
war times, Major—for then, when those troublesome
fellows talk about law, I' give 'em Martial Law, and
that makes short work ont.”

Just ater breakfast yesterday, I and the gineral had
a high time together. I had been expectin every day
to see the bank come out with a reply; and I tell'd the
gineral, says I, `Gineral, I'm afraid we'll git a stumper
from Philadelphy one of these days, that will nock us
all into kindlin wood. But he kept sayin there was no
fear of that. `Why,' says he, `Major you forgit that
we first give the bank a most mortal weltin 3 years ago
and left em no other defence than to print reports, and
speeches; and that show'd they hadn't much spunk;
and we have been criplin on em ever since. And when
I see they began to stagger, I give em our hull battery,
and opened upon em in flank, front, and rear our sharp
shooters headed by that amazin cute little district attorney
open'd first on em. Then come my proclamation—
and then my message—and then Mr. Tany's
report—and the globe all the while throwin shells and
rockets. `Why' says the gineral—gittin up and taken
his hickory, and givin it a whack on the floor—`if the
bank stands all that racket, Major, its tuffer than a
pepperage log. “No, no Major,” says the gineral,
“don't you fear that the bank will ever say a word in
reply—it's as dead now,” says the gineral, “as a skin'd
racoon.” And the words want out of his mouth, afore
in come a hull bundle of letters and newspapers, and
the first thing I see among 'em was the “Bank reply.”
“Now,” says I, “gineral, here's trouble!—here's the
very thing,” says I, “I've been afraid of all the while.'
The gineral laft a spell; and says he, “Major, suppose
you and I now jist take a bout, and you'll see how easy
I can nock that reply into nothin.” “Well,” says I,
“Gineral,” its a bargain—“Now,” says I, let us sit
down, and you may take, says I, the globe or our

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district attorney's report, or your proclamation, or your
message, or Mr. fany's report—ary one on em,—or,
says I, come to think on't, you may take 'em all together,—
for they are pretty much all one—and I'll take
this `Bank reply,' and then let's see what kind of a
fight it will turn out. `Well,' says the gineral, `you
are a man of spunk, Major, and I like you for it: if I
make a prisoner on you, I'll treat you like a brave soldier.
' `And so will I you, Gineral,' says I, `and if you
fall in the fight,' says I, `Gineral, I'll bury you,' says
I, with the honors of war, and then we shook hands.
Now, Major, says the gineral, as I am to begin the
fight, don't you fire till I fire, “and then we'll go threw,
shot by shot.”

Well, says I, “I want to know first, if I have a
right to fire back your shot, if they miss me, and I can
pick em up?” “O, yes,” says the gineral, “that's fair
in war. Use the enemy's shot and shells, and guns
too, if you can, Major—that's the true art of war.” The
gineral all the while kept fixing his papers all in a
string on one side the table. He put his own messages
and proclamation in the middle, and flank'd off with
our district attorney and Mr. Tany's reports; and then
he sifted the Globe about, and called them scouts and
foragers—“There,” says he, “Major, I am now nearly
ready; and he took off his specks, and gin em a
good rubbin, and put em on again. “Now, Major,”
says he, “take your station.” And I went round tother
side, and sat down. “Are you ready,” says the gineral?
“All ready,” says I—and at it we went. The
gineral, he open'd his fire first, as agreed, and he fir'd
away from his first message—And then his 2d—then
he took the Globe, and then the reports,—and he blaz'd
away like all wrath, for an hour; and as soon as he
stop'd to take breath. “Now,” says I, “its my time,”—
and I read the reply a spell, and answered all he said
in three minits. And I gin him a look! The gineral
twisted his face most shockin, and scratched his head
too. But he went at it agin as spunky as ever; for he

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is an amazin tuff critur in a fight, and hangs on like a
snappin turtle when he gits hold. He banged away a
spell agin like all natur; and jest as he took his specs
off to give em a rub, I gin him the reply agin. The
gineral gin his face another plagy hard rumple; and I
sat waitin for him to fire agin. Says he, “Major, that's
a sharp piece you are firin with there.” “It's a peeler,”
says I, “Gineral, I tell you—but you haint got the best
on't yet—it's gettin warm,” says I.

“Major,” says the gineral, “suppose we change butteries—
let me take that reply, and you take all these
documents. I like to fight,” says the gineral, “when
there is ten to one agin me.” “So do I,” says I, “Gineral,
and so we'd better fight it out as we sit.”

The gineral looked a spell at his paper again; and
says he, “Major, I reckon we had better have a truce.”
“Not now,” says I, “I've got my hand in now, and
want to see the fight out.” “Well,” says the gineral,
“you see Major what comes when any one attempts to
drive the executive;” and with that he got up, and took
off his specks, and put em in his pocket, and put on his
hat, and took his hickory, and fetched a whack on the
table,—“Veto,” says he, “that's enuff,” says I,
“Gineral.”

`And now,' says the Gineral, let's go and take a
walk—and so we went. The Gineral didn't say nothin
for more than a mile, and I nother. `So, to rights,'
says he, `Major, every body says Money is very scarce.'
That's true enuf,' says I, `and it's not got as scarce
as it will be afore winter is over,'—and then I tell'd the
Gineral the cause on't. `Well,' says the Gineral, `I
believe you are right; and if the worst comes to the
worst,' says he, `we'll have a new bank, and that will
make money plenty agin, wont it?'—`Yes,' says I, `I
suppose so; but we can't git a new bank, Gineral, fore
this ones time is out, and that's nigh three years yet;
and long afore that time,' says I, `there will be trouble
enuf, as this one must all the while be collectin in its
own money; and folks will fail, and be bankrupt; and

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then twenty new banks will do no good.' `I don't see
that,' says the Gineral. `If we could make a new bank
now,' says I, `right off, and let it take up the business
of the old one, it wouldn't make much odds. But the
law wont allow that, you know, Gineral.' And just then
the Gineral got in a way he has of twitchin with his
suspender buttons behind; and to rights he broke one
off.—`There,' says he, `Major, here is this confounded
button off again.' `Well,' says I, that's a small matter—
here is a tailor's shop,—let's go in and make him put
it on—and so in we went. The tailor happened to be
one of our party, and was tickled to death to see the
President, and thought he was goin to git an office right
off, and was plagily cut down when he come to find it
was ony a button off; and so he jumped back on his
board, and sat down on his heels agin, and said if the
Gineral would take off his pantaloons he'd put it on in
a few minutes.

I looked at the Gineral, and he looked at me—and
we both looked at the tailor. `Why,' says the Gineral,
`this is the worst thing, Major, I ever met—I'm stump'd
completely! It will never do to risk walking home with
this button off; for if 'tother one comes off, it's all over
with me; and I sit here without my pantaloons till that
fellow puts on a button, I'll kitch my death of cold!
look here Major, says the Gineral, that other button is
takin all the strain, and it will come off in less than five
minutes—what is to be done? It seems to me Major,
said the Gineral, `that no man is placed so often in such
real trouble as I am'—`yes,' says I, `Gineral, but its
fortunate for you, you always have me with you.' `I
know it. Major,' says he, `and I hope you will be as
true a friend now as ever you have been—and with that
says I to the tailor, 'can't you fix things now, so as to
get over all this trouble?' `There is only one way,'
says the tailor, `and that I've stated, and another thing,'
says he, `the Gineral wants a new pair.' `You rascal,'
says the Gineral, `you can't make a better pair, and one
that fits me better, if you try a month—these

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pantaloons, said the Gineral, are better than a new pair; and
if they only had new buttons here they would last me
to my dying day.—It takes me weeks and months to
git a pair to sit easy. I wont have a new pair,' says
the Gineral, `that I'm determin'd on.' `I see,' says
the Gineral, `what you are after—you want a new
job.'

`Well,' says I, `Gineral, let me try—and with that
I wax'd a thread, and got a new button; and whilst the
Gineral stood up, I sot down behind him, and stitched
on the button in 3 minits—the Gineral all the while
shakin his hickory at the tailor, and tellin him that he
had no more brains in his head than he had in his thimble.
`You are a pretty fellow to belong to my party,'
says he; `I should have been soon in a pritty condition,
if I had taken your advice,' says the Gineral.' Let
me ever ketch you at the White House agin.' So to
rights, the tailor got mad too, and said he didn't belong
to the Gineral's party—he was a Tany-Kindle-VanBuren-Jackson-man;
he knew which side his bread was
butter'd, and I looked plagy knowin too—it was jest as
much as I could do to keep the Gineral from smashin
him—so says I, `come, Gineral, let's be movin; and
we went home—the Gineral all the while talkin about
his escape from an awful state, that tailor was about
getting him in.

`Well,' says I, `Gineral, little things sometimes give
us a kink, and a notion of bigger ones; and now,' says
I, `do you know, Gineral, we are in a scrape now pretty
much like that one we jest got out on.' `How so?' says
the Gineral. `Why,' says I, `the Bank—there it is,'
says I, `jest like your pantaloons, better than new;—
and only wants a new button; and some of these tailors
about us here want us to set shiverin and shakin, and
runnin the risk of gettin a rheumatiz that will last us
our lives, jest for them to get the job of makin a new
one.'

`And now,' says I, `I guess you and I had better
disappoint 'em, as we did the tailor jest now, stitch on

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a new button, and things will all go smooth agin.'—
The Gineral didn't say a word; but he got thinkin
piagey hard, till we got home agin, and he got his pipe,
and I got mine, and just as we were lighten em, says
he, `Major, there are some fellows about us here that
pester me most desperately—we must all go as a `Unit,'
or I must blow 'em all up and get a new set. `W'ell
think of it,' said the Gineral, and with that, we cock'd
our feet on the mantle tree, and in less than five minits
you could'nt see no more on us than our toes.