Bardolph.
Fal.
Bardolph, am I not fall'n away vilely since this
last action? do I not bate? do I not dwindle? why, my
skin hangs about me like an old lady's loose gown; I
am wither'd like an old apple-John. Well, I'll repent,
and that suddenly, while I am in some liking; I shall
be out of heart shortly, and then I shall have no strength
to repent. An I have not forgotten what the inside of
a church is made of, I am a pepper-corn, a brewer's
horse; the inside of a church: Company, villainous
company, hath been the spoil of me.
Bar.
Sir John, you are so fretful, you cannot live long.
Fal.
Why, there is it:—come, sing me a bawdy
song; make me merry. I was as virtuously given, as a
-- 67 --
gentleman need to be; virtuous enough: swore little;
dic'd, not above seven times a week; went to a bawdy note-house,
not above once in a quarter of an hour; pay'd
money that I borrow'd, three or four times; liv'd well,
and in good compass: and now I live out of all order,
out of all compass note.
Bar.
Why, you are so fat, sir John, that you must
needs be out of all compass; out of all reasonable compass,
sir John.
Fal.
Do thou amend thy face, and I'll amend my
life note: Thou art our admiral, thou bearest the lanthorn
in the poop,—but 'tis in the nose of thee; thou art the
knight of note the burning lamp.
Bar.
Why, sir John, my face does you no harm.
Fal.
No, I'll be sworn; I make as good use of it, as
many a man doth of a death's head, or a memento mori:
I never see thy face, but I think upon hell-fire, and
Dives that lived in purple; for there he is in his robes,
burning, burning. If thou wert any way given note to virtue,
I would swear by thy face; my oath should be, By
this note fire: but note thou art altogether given over; and wert
indeed, but for the light in thy face, the son of note utter
darkness. When thou ran'st note up Gads-hill note in the night to
catch my horse, if I did not think thou note hadst been an
ignis fatuus, or a ball of wild-fire, there's no purchase
in money. O, thou art a perpetual triumph, an everlasting note
bonefire-light! Thou hast saved me a thousand
marks in links and torches, walking with thee in the
night betwixt tavern and tavern: but the sack that
thou hast drunk me, would have bought me lights
as good cheap, at the note dearest chandler's in Europe. I
have maintained that salamander of yours with fire,
-- 68 --
any time this two and thirty years; God reward note me
for it!
Bar.
'Sblood note, I would my face were in your belly!
Enter Hostess note.
Fal.
God-a-mercy note so should I be sure to note be heart-burnt note.
—How now, dame Partlet the hen? have you enquir'd
yet, who pick'd my pocket?
Hos.
Why, sir John, what do you think, sir John?
do you think, I keep thieves in my house? I have
search'd, I have enquir'd, so has my husband, man by
man, boy by boy, servant by servant: the tithe of note a hair
was never lost in my house before.
Fal.
You lie, hostess; Bardolph was shav'd, and lost
many a hair note: and I'll be sworn, my pocket was pick'd:
Go to, you are a woman, go.
Hos.
Who I? I note defy thee: I was note never call'd so in
mine own house before.
Fal.
Go to, I know you well enough.
Hos.
No, sir John; you do not know me, sir John:
I know you, sir John: you owe me money, sir John,
and now you pick a quarrel to beguile me of it: I
bought you a dozen of shirts to your back.
Fal.
Dowlas, filthy dowlas: I have given them away
to bakers' wives, and note they have made boulters of them.
Hos.
Now, as I note am a true woman, holland of eight
shillings an ell. You owe money here besides, sir John,
for your diet, and by-drinkings; and money lent you,
four and twenty pounds note.
Fal.
He had his part of it; let him pay.
Hos.
He? alas, he is poor; he hath nothing.
Fal.
How! poor? look in his face; What call you
rich? let them coin his nose, let them coin his cheeks;
-- 69 --
I'll not pay a denier: What, will you make a younker
of me? shall I not14Q0643 take mine ease in mine inn, but I
shall have my pocket pick'd? I have lost a seal-ring of
my grandfather's, worth forty mark.
Hos.
O, Jesu note! I have heard the prince tell him, I
know not how oft, that that ring note was copper.
Fal.
How! the prince is a Jack, a sneak-cup note; and,
if he note were here, I would cudgel him like a dog, if he
would say so.
Enter the Prince, and Peto, marching:
Falstaff meets, and puts himself before them; playing
upon his Truncheon, like a Fife.
Fal.
How now, lad? is the wind in that door, i'faith note?
must we all march?
Bar.
Yea, two and two, Newgate-fashion.
Hos.
My lord, I pray you, hear me.
Pri.
What say'st thou, mistress Quickly? How does
thy husband? I love him well, he is an honest man.
Hos.
Good my lord, hear me.
Fal.
Pr'ythee, let her alone, and list to me.
Pri.
What say'st thou, Jack?
Fal.
The other night I fell asleep here behind the
arras, and had my pocket pick'd: this house is turn'd
bawdy-house, they pick pockets.
Pri.
What didst thou lose, Jack?
Fal.
Wilt thou believe me, Hal? three or four bonds
of a forty note pound note a-piece, and a seal-ring of my grandfather's.
Pri.
A trifle, some eight-penny matter.
Hos.
So I told him, my lord; and I said, I heard
your grace say so: And, my lord, he speaks most vilely
of you, like a foul-mouth'd man as note he is; and said, he
-- 70 --
would cudgel you.
Pri.
What! he did not?
Hos.
There's neither faith, truth, nor womanhood
in me else.
Fal.
There's no more faith in thee, than in a note stew'd
prune; nor no more truth in thee, than in a drawn fox;14Q0644
and for womanhood, maid-Marian may be the deputy's
wife of the ward to thee. Go, you thing note, go.
Hos.
Say, what thing? what thing?
Fal.
What thing? why, a thing to thank God on note.
Hos.
I am no thing note to thank God on note, I would thou
shouldst know it; I am an honest man's wife: and, setting
thy knighthood aside, thou art a knave to call me so.
Fal.
Setting thy womanhood aside, thou art a beast
to say otherwise.
Hos.
Say, what beast, thou knave thou?
Fal.
What beast? why, an otter.
Pri.
An otter, sir John? why an otter?
Fal.
Why? she's neither fish, nor flesh; a man knows
not where to have her.
Hos.
Thou art an note unjust man in saying so; thou or
any man knows where to have me, thou knave thou.
Pri.
Thou say'st true, hostess; and he slanders thee
most grossly.
Hos.
So he doth you, my lord; and said this other
day, you ought note him a thousand pound.
Pri.
Sirrah, do I owe you a thousand pound?
Fal.
A thousand pound, Hal? a million: thy love is
worth a million; thou ow'st me thy love.
Hos.
Nay, my lord, he call'd you Jack; and said, he
would cudgel you.
Fal.
Did I, Bardolph?
-- 71 --
Bar.
Indeed, sir John, you said so.
Fal.
Yea; if he said, my ring was copper.
Pri.
I say, 'tis copper; Dar'st thou be as good as thy
word now?
Fal.
Why, Hal, thou know'st, as thou art but man note,
I dare: but, as thou art prince note, I fear thee, as I fear the
roaring of the lion's whelp.
Pri.
And why not, as the lion?
Fal.
The king himself is to be feared as the lion:
Dost thou think, I'll fear thee as I fear thy father? nay,
an I do, I pray God my note girdle break!
Pri.
O, if it should, how would thy guts fall about
thy knees! But, sirrah, there's no room for faith, truth,
nor honesty, in this bosom of thine; it is all fill'd up
with guts, and midriff note. Charge an honest woman with
picking thy pocket! Why, thou whoreson, impudent,
imbost rascal, if there were any thing in thy pocket but
tavern-reck'nings, memorandums of bawdy-houses, and
one poor penny-worth of sugar-candy to make thee
long-winded; if thy pocket were enrich'd with any
other injuries but these, I am a villain. And yet you
will stand to it; you will not pocket up wrong: Art
thou not asham'd?
Fal.
Dost thou hear, Hal? thou know'st, in the state
of innocency, Adam fell; And what should note poor Jack
Falstaff do, in the days of villainy? Thou seest, note I have
more flesh than another man; and therefore more frailty.
You confess then, you pick'd my pocket?
Pri.
It appears so by the story.
Fal.
Hostess, I forgive thee: Go, make ready breakfast;
love thy husband, look to thy servants, cherish note thy
guests: note thou shall find me tractable to any honest reason;
-- 72 --
thou seest, note I am pacify'd still.14Q0645 Nay, pr'ythee note, be
gone. [Exit Hostess.] Now, Hal, to the news at court:
for the robbery, lad,—How is that answer'd?
Pri.
O my sweet beef, I must still be good angel to
thee:—The money is pay'd back again.
Fal.
O, I do not like that paying back, 'tis a double
labour.
Pri.
I am good friends with my father, and may do
any thing.
Fal.
Rob me the exchequer the first thing thou dost,
and do it with unwash'd hands too.
Bar.
Do, my lord.
Pri.
I have procur'd thee, Jack, a charge of foot.
Fal.
I would, it had been of horse. Where shall I
find one that can steal well? O for a fine thief, of note two
and twenty, or thereabouts note! I am heinously unprovided.
Well, God be thanked for these rebels, they offend
none but the virtuous; I laud them, I praise them.
Pri.
Bardolph,—
Bar.
My lord.
Pri.
Go bear this &dagger2; letter to lord John of Lancaster,
My brother John; this &dagger2; to my note lord of Westmoreland.—
Peto, note to horse, to horse; for note thou, and I,
Have thirty miles to ride note ere note dinner-time.—
Jack,
Meet me to-morrow in the Temple hall
At two o'clock i' the afternoon:
There shalt thou know thy charge; and there receive note
Money, and order for their furniture.
The land is burning; Percy stands on high;
And either they, or we note, must lower lye.
[Exeunt Prince, Peto, and Bar.
-- 73 --
Fal.
Rare words! brave world!—Hostess, my breakfast; come:—
O, I could wish, this tavern were my drum.
[Exit.
Edward Capell [1767], Mr William Shakespeare his comedies, histories, and tragedies, set out by himself in quarto, or by the Players his Fellows in folio, and now faithfully republish'd from those Editions in ten Volumes octavo; with an introduction: Whereunto will be added, in some other Volumes, notes, critical and explanatory, and a Body of Various Readings entire (Printed by Dryden Leach, for J. and R. Tonson [etc.], London) [word count] [S10601].
