Poi.

Welcome, Jack. Where hast thou been?

Fal.

A plague of all cowards, I say, and a vengeance too! marry, and amen.—Give me a cup of sack, boy.— Ere I lead this life long, I'll sow nether stocks,14Q0622 and

mend them, and foot them ^note too. A plague of all cowards! —Give me a cup of sack, rogue.—Is there no virtue extant?

Pri.

Didst thou never see Titan [to Poins] kiss a dish of butter; pitiful-hearted butter,14Q0623 that ^note melted at the sweet tale of the sun ^note? if thou didst, then behold that compound.

Fal.

You rogue, here's lime in this sack too:—There is nothing but roguery to be found in villainous ^note man: Yet a coward is worse than a cup of sack with lime in it ^note; a villainous coward. Go thy ways, old Jack; die when thou wilt, if manhood, good manhood, be not forgot upon the face of the earth, then am I a shotten herring. There lives ^note not three good men unhang'd in England; and one of them is fat, and grows old: God help the while! a bad world, I say! I would, I were a weaver; I could sing psalms, or any thing. A plague ^note of all cowards, I say still!

Pri.

How now, wool-sack? what mutter you?

Fal.

A king's son! If I do not beat thee out of thy kingdom with a dagger of lath, and drive all thy subjects afore thee like a flock of wild-geese, I'll never wear hair on my face more. You prince of Wales!

Pri.

Why, you whoreson round man, what's the matter?

Fal.

Are you not ^note a coward? answer me to that; And Poins there?

Poi.

'Zounds ^note, ye fat paunch, an ye call me coward, by the Lord ^note, I'll stab thee.

Fal.

I call thee coward? I'll see thee damn'd, ere I call thee coward: but I would give a thousand pound, I could run as fast as thou canst. You are strait enough in the shoulders, you care not who sees your back; Call

you that, backing of your friends? A plague upon such backing! give me them that will face me.—Give me a cup of sack:—I am a rogue, if I drunk to-day.

Pri.

O villain! thy lips are scarce wip'd since thou drunk'st last.

Fal.

All's one for that. [drinks again.] A plague of all cowards, still say I!

Pri.

What's the matter?

Fal.

What's the matter? here be four of us ^note, have ta'en a thousand pound this morning ^note.

Pri.

Where is it, Jack? where is it?

Fal.

Where is it? taken from us it is; a hundred upon poor four of us.

Pri.

What, a hundred, man?

Fal.

I am a rogue, if I were not at half ^note-sword with a dozen of them two hours together. I have 'scap'd by miracle. I am eight times thrust through ^note the doublet; four, through the hose; my buckler cut through ^note and through; my sword hack'd like a hand-saw, ecce signum: I never dealt better since I was a man: all would not do. A plague of all cowards!—Let them speak: if they speak more or less than truth, they are villains, and the sons of darkness.

Pri.

Speak ^note, sirs; How was it?

Gad.

We ^note four set upon some dozen ^note,—

Fal.

Sixteen, at least, my lord.

Gad.

And ^note bound them:

Pet.

No, no, they were not bound.

Fal.

You rogue, they were bound, every man of them; or I am a Jew else, an Hebrew ^note Jew.

Gad.

As ^note we were sharing, some six or seven fresh men set upon us;

Fal.

And unbound the rest, and then came ^note in the other ^note.

Pri.

What, fought you ^note with them all?

Fal.

All? I know not what you ^note call, all; but if I fought not with fifty of them, I am a bunch of radish ^note: if there were not two or three and fifty upon poor old Jack, then am I no two-leg'd creature.

Poi.

Pray ^note God ^note, you have not murther'd some of them.

Fal.

Nay, that's past praying for; I have pepper'd two of them: two, I am sure, I have pay'd; two rogues in buckrom suits. I tell thee what, Hal,—if I tell thee a lie, spit in my face, call me horse: Thou know'st my old ward ^note;—here I lay, and thus I bore my point. Four rogues in buckrom let drive at me:

Pri.

What, four? thou said'st but two even now.

Fal.

Four, Hal; I told thee four.

Poi.

Ay, ay, he said four.

Fal.

These four came all afront, and mainly thrust at me. I made me no ^note more ado, but took all their seven points ^note in my target, thus.

Pri.

Seven? why, there were but four even now.

Fal.

In buckrom?

Poi.

Ay, four, in buckrom suits.

Fal.

Seven, by these hilts, or I am a villain else.

Pri.

Pr'ythee, let him alone; we shall have more anon.

Fal.

Dost thou hear me, Hal?

Pri.

Ay, and mark thee too, Jack.

Fal.

Do so, for it is worth the list'ning to. These nine in buckrom, that I told thee of,—

Pri.

So, two more already.

Fal.

Their points being broken,—

Poi.

Down fell their hose ^note.

Fal.

Began to give me ground: But I follow'd me close, came in foot and hand; and, with a thought, seven of the eleven I pay'd.

Pri.

O monstrous! eleven buckrom men grown out of two!

Fal.

But, as the devil would have it, three misbegotten knaves, in Kendal green, came at my back, and let drive at me;—for it was so dark, Hal, that thou could'st not see thy hand.

Pri.

These lies are like the father ^note that begets them; gross as a mountain, open, palpable. Why, thou clay-brain'd guts; thou knotty-pated fool; thou whoreson, obscene, greasy tallow-catch ^note,—14Q0624

Fal.

What, art thou mad, art thou mad? is not the truth the truth?

Pri.

Why, how could'st thou know these men in Kendal green, when it was so dark thou could'st not see thy hand? come, tell us your reason; What say'st thou to this?

Poi.

Come, your reason, Jack, your reason.

Fal.

What, upon compulsion? No; were I ^note at the strappado, or all the racks in the world, I would not tell you on compulsion. Give you a reason on compulsion? if reasons were as plenty as ^note black-berries, I would give no man a reason upon compulsion, I.

Pri.

I'll be no longer guilty of this sin; this sanguine coward, this bed-presser, this horse-back-breaker, this huge hill of flesh:

Fal.

Away, you ^note starveling, you elf-skin ^note, you dry'd neat's-tongue, bull's-pizzle, you stock-fish,—O, for breath to utter what ^note is like thee!—you tailor's yard, you sheath, you bow-case, you vile standing tuck;—

Pri.

Well, breath a while, and then to it again: and when thou hast tir'd ^note thyself in base comparisons, hear me speak but this. ^note

Poi.

Mark, Jack.

Pri.

We two saw you four set on four; you bound ^note them, and were masters of their wealth: mark now, how plain a ^note tale shall put you down. Then did we two set on you four; and, with a word, out-fac'd you from your ^note prize, and have it; yea, and can shew it you here ^note in the house:—and, Falstaff, you carry'd your guts away as nimbly, with as quick dexterity, and roar'd for mercy, and still ran ^note and roar'd, as ever I heard bull-calf. What a slave art thou, to hack thy sword as thou hast done; and then say, it was in fight? What trick, what device, what starting-hole canst thou now find out, to hide thee from this open and apparent shame?

Poi.

Come, let's hear, Jack; What trick hast thou now?

Fal.

I ^note knew ye as well as he that made ye. Why, hear ye ^note, my masters; Was it for me, to kill the heir apparent? should I turn upon the true prince? Why, thou know'st, I am as valiant as Hercules: but beware instinct; the lion will not touch the true prince: instinct is a great matter; I was a ^note coward on instinct: I shall think the better of myself, and thee, during my life; I for a valiant lion, and thou for a true prince. But, lads ^note, Enter Hostess. I am glad, you have the money.—Hostess, clap to the doors; watch to-night, pray to-morrow.—Gallants, lads, boys, hearts of gold, All the titles of ^note good-fellowship come to you! What, shall we be merry? shall we have a play extempore?

Pri.

Content; and the argument shall be, thy running away.

Fal.

Ah! no more of that, Hal, an thou lov'st me.

Hos.

My ^note lord the prince,—

Pri.

How now, my lady the hostess? wh at say'st thou to me?

Hos.

Marry, my lord, there is a nobleman of the court at door, would speak with you: he says, he comes from your father.

Pri.

Give him as much14Q0625 as will make him a royal man, and send him back again to my mother.

Fal.

What manner of man is he?

Hos.

An old man.

Fal.

What doth gravity out of his bed at midnight? —Shall I give him his answer?

Pri.

Pr'ythee, do, Jack.

Fal.

'Faith, and I'll send him packing.

Pri.

Now, sirs; by'r-lady ^note, you fought fair;—so did you, Peto;—so did you, Bardolph: you are lions too, you ran away upon instinct; you will not touch the true prince, no, fie!

Bar.

'Faith, I ran when I saw others run.

Pri.

Tell ^note me now in earnest, How came Falstaff's sword so hack'd?

Pet.

Why, he hack'd it with his dagger; and said, he would swear truth out of England, but he would make you believe it was done in fight; and persuaded us to do the like.

Bar.

Yea, and to tickle our noses with spear-grass, to make them bleed; and then to beslubber ^note our garments with it, and swear it was the blood of true men. I did that I did not this seven year ^note before, I blush'd to hear his monstrous devices.

Pri.

O villain, thou stol'st a cup of sack eighteen

years ago, and wert taken with the manner, and ever since thou hast blush'd extempore: Thou hadst fire and sword on thy side, and yet thou ran'st away; What instinct hadst thou for it?

Bar.

My lord, do you see these meteors?14Q0626 do you behold these exhalations?

Pri.

I do.

Bar.

What think you they portend?

Pri.

Hot livers, and cold purses.

Bar.

Choler, my lord, if rightly taken.

Pri.

No, if rightly taken, halter.—Here comes lean Jack, here comes bare-bone ^note.—How now, my ^note sweet creature of bombast? How long is't ago, Jack, since thou saw'st thine own knee?

Fal.

My own knee? when I was about thy years, Hal, I was not an eagle's talon ^note in the waste; I could have crept into any alderman's thumb-ring: A plague of sighing and grief! it blows a man up like a bladder. There's villainous news abroad: here was sir John Bracy ^note from your father; you must to ^note the court in the morning. That same ^note mad fellow of the north, Percy; and he of Wales, that gave Amaimon the bastinado, and made Lucifer cuckold, and swore the devil his true liege-man upon the cross of a Welsh hook,—What, a plague, call you him?

Poi.

O, Glendower.

Fal.

Owen, Owen; the ^note same;—and his son-in-law, Mortimer; and old Northumberland; and the sprightly ^note Scot of Scots, Douglas, that runs o'horseback up a hill perpendicular:

Pri.

He that rides at high speed, and with his pistol ^note

kills a sparrow flying.

Fal.

You have hit it.

Pri.

So did he never the sparrow.

Fal.

Well, that rascal hath good mettle in him; he will not run.

Pri.

Why, what a rascal art thou then, to praise him so for running?

Fal.

O' horse back, ye cuckoo: but, afoot ^note, he will not budge a foot.

Pri.

Yes, Jack, upon instinct.

Fal.

I grant ye, upon instinct. Well, he is there too, and one Mordake, and a thousand blew-caps more: Worcester is stoln away to-night ^note; thy father's beard is turn'd white with the news; you may buy land now as cheap as stinking mackerel.

Pri.

Then, 'tis ^note like, if there come a hot June, ^note and this civil buffetting hold, we shall buy maidenheads as they buy hob-nails, by the hundreds.

Fal.

By the mass, lad, thou say'st true; it is like, we shall have good trading that way. But, tell me, Hal, art thou not ^note horribly afeard? thou being heir apparent, could the world pick thee out three such enemies again, as that fiend Douglas, that spirit Percy, and that devil Glendower? Art thou not ^note horribly afraid? doth not thy blood thrill at it?

Pri.

Not a whit; I ^note lack some of thy instinct.

Fal.

Well, thou wilt be horribly chid to-morrow, when thou comest to thy father: if thou love ^note me, practise an answer.

Pri.

Do thou stand for my father, and examine me upon the particulars of my life.

Fal.

Shall I? content:—this chair shall be my

state, [clapping himself down in it.] this dagger my scepter, and this cushion my crown.

Pri.

Thy state is taken for a joint-stool, thy golden scepter for a leaden dagger, and thy precious rich crown for a pitiful bald crown.

Fal.

Well ^note, an the fire of grace be not quite out of thee, now shalt thou be moved.—Give me a cup of sack to make mine eyes ^note look red, that it may be thought I have wept; for I must speak in passion, and I will do it in king Cambyses' vein.14Q0627

Pri.

Well, here is my leg.

Fal.

And here is my speech: Stand aside, nobility.

Hos.

This ^note is excellent sport, i'faith.

Fal.

Weep not, sweet queen, for trickling tears are vain.

Hos.

O the father, how ^note he holds his countenance!

Fal.

For God's sake, lords, convey my tristful ^note queen, For tears do stop the flood-gates of her eyes.

Hos.

O rare! he ^note doth it as like one of these harlotry players as ever I see.

Fal.

Peace, good pint-pot: peace, good tickle-brain.—

Harry, I do not only marvel where thou spendest thy time, but also how thou art accompany'd: for though the camomile, the more it is troden on ^note, the faster it grows; yet youth ^note, the more it is wasted, the sooner it wears. That ^note thou art my son, I have partly thy mother's word, partly my own ^note opinion; but chiefly, a villainous trick of thine eye, and a foolish hanging of thy nether ^note lip, that doth warrant me: If then thou be son to me, here lies ^note the point;—Why, being son to me, art thou so pointed at? Shall the blessed sun ^note of heaven prove a micher, and eat black-berries? a question not to be ask'd: Shall the son of England prove a thief, and take

purses? a question to be ask'd. There is a thing, Harry, which thou hast often heard of, and it is known to many in our land by the name of pitch: this pitch, as ancient writers do report, doth defile; so doth the company thou keepest: for, Harry, now I do not speak to thee in drink, but in tears; not in pleasure, but in passion; not in words only, but in woes also: And yet there is a virtuous man, whom I have often noted in thy company, but I know not his name.

Pri.

What manner of man, an it like your majesty?

Fal.

A goodly portly man, i'faith, and a corpulent; of a chearful look, a pleasing eye, and a most noble carriage; and, as I think, his age some fifty, or, by'r-lady, inclining to threescore; and now I remember me, his name is Falstaff: if that man should be lewdly given, he deceiveth ^note me; for, Harry, I see virtue in his looks: If then the tree14Q0628 may be known by the fruit, as the fruit by the tree, then, peremptorily I speak it, there is virtue in that Falstaff: him keep with, the rest banish. And tell me now, thou naughty varlet, tell me, where hast thou been this month?

Pri.

Dost thou speak like a king? [plucking him out of his Chair.] do thou stand for me, and I'll play my father.

Fal.

Depose me? if thou dost it half so gravely, so majestically, both in word and matter, ^note hang me up by the heels for a rabbet-sucker, or a poulterer's ^note hare.

Pri.

Well, here I am set.

Fal.

And here I stand:—judge, my masters.

Pri.

Now, Harry? whence come you?

Fal.

My noble lord, from East-cheap.

Pri.

The complaints I hear of thee are grievous.

Fal.

'Sblood, my ^note lord, they are false:—nay, I'll tickle ye for a young prince, i'faith ^note.

Pri.

Swear'st thou, ungracious boy? henceforth ne'er look on me: Thou art violently carry'd away from grace: there is a devil haunts thee, in the likeness of a fat old ^note man; a tun of man is thy companion. Why dost thou converse with that trunk of humours, that bolting-hutch of beastliness, that swoln parcel of dropsies, that huge bombard of sack, that stuft cloak-bag of guts, that roasted Manning-tree oxe with the pudding ^note in his belly, that reverend ^note vice,14Q0629 that grey iniquity, that father ruffian, that vanity in years? Wherein is he good, but to taste sack and drink it? wherein neat and cleanly, but to carve a capon and eat it? wherein cunning, but in craft? wherein crafty, but in villany? wherein villainous, but in all things? wherein worthy, but in nothing?

Fal.

I would, your grace would take me with you; Whom means your grace?

Pri.

That villainous abominable mis-leader of youth, Falstaff, that old white-bearded Satan.

Fal.

My lord, the man I know:

Pri.

I know, thou dost.

Fal.

But to say, I know more harm in him than in myself, were to say more than I know. That he is old, (the more the pity) his white hairs do witness it: but that he is (saving your reverence) a whore-master, that I utterly deny. If sack and sugar be a fault, God help ^note the wicked! if to be old and merry be a sin, then many an old host that I know is damn'd: if to be fat be to be hated, then Pharaoh's lean kine are to be loved. No, my good lord; banish Peto, banish Bardolph,

banish Poins: but for sweet Jack Falstaff, kind Jack Falstaff, true Jack Falstaff, valiant Jack Falstaff, [A great knocking heard: Exeunt Hostess, and Drawer; Bardolph follows. and therefore more valiant being as he is old Jack Falstaff, banish not him thy Harry's company, banish not him thy Harry's company; banish plump Jack, and banish all the world.

Pri.

I do, I will.

Bar.

O, my lord, my lord; the sheriff ^note, with a most monstrous watch, is at the door.

Fal.

Out, you ^note rogue! play out the play: I have much to say in the behalf of that Falstaff.

Hos.

O Jesu ^note, my lord, my lord!—

Pri.

Heigh ^note, heigh! the devil rides upon a fiddle-stick: —What's the matter?

Hos.

The sheriff and all the watch are at the door: they are come to search the house; Shall I let them in?

Fal.

Dost thou hear,14Q0630 Hal? never call a true piece of gold, a counterfeit: if thou dost, thou art essentially mad ^note, without seeming so.

Pri.

And thou a ^note natural coward, without instinct.

Fal.

I deny your major: if you will deny the sheriff, so; if not, let him enter: if I become not a cart as well as another man, a plague on my bringing up! I hope, I shall as soon be strangl'd with a halter, as another.

Pri.

Go, hide thee behind the arras;—the rest walk up above. Now, my masters, for a true face, and good conscience.

Fal.

Both which I have had: but their date is out,

and therefore I'll hide me.

Pri.
Call in the sheriff. [Exeunt All but the Prince. Enter Sheriff, and Carrier.
Now, master sheriff; what's your will with me?

She.
First, pardon me, my lord. A hue and cry
Hath follow'd certain men unto this house.

Pri.
What men?

She.
One of them is well ^note known, my gracious lord;
A gross fat man.

Car.
As fat as butter, sir.

Pri.
The man, I do assure you, is not here;
For I myself at this time have employ'd him.
And, sheriff, I engage ^note my word to thee,
That I will, by to-morrow dinner-time,
Send him to answer thee, or any man,
For any thing he shall be charg'd withal:
And so let me entreat you leave the house.

She.
I will, my lord: There are two gentlemen
Have in this robbery lost three hundred ^note marks.

Pri.
It may be so: if he have rob'd these men,
He shall be answerable; and so, farewel.

She.
Good night, my noble lord.

Pri.
I think, it is good morrow; Is it not?

She.
Indeed, my lord, I think it be two ^note o'clock. [Exeunt Sheriff, and Carrier.

Pri.
This oily rascal is known as well as Paul's:— Re-enter Peto.
Go, call him forth.

Pet.

Falstaff!—fast asleep behind the arras, and snorting like a horse.

Pri.

Hark how hard he fetches breath: Search his pockets. [Peto searches.] What hast thou found?

Pet.

Nothing but papers, my lord.

Pri.

Let's see what they be ^note; read them.

Pet. ^note [reads.]

Item, a capon; 2. s. 2. d. Item, sauce; 4. d. Item, sack, two gallons; 5. s. 8. d. Item, anchovies and sack after supper; 2. s. 6. d. Item, bread; a half-penny.

Pri. ^note

O monstrous! but one half-penniworth of bread to this intolerable deal of sack!—What there is else, keep close; we'll read it at more advantage: there let him sleep 'till day. I'll to the court in the morning: we must all to the wars, and thy place shall be honourable. I'll procure this fat rogue a charge of foot; and, I know, his death will be a march ^note of twelve-score. The money shall be pay'd back again, with advantage. Be with me betimes in the morning; and so good morrow, Peto.

Pet.

Good morrow, good my lord.