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Honour and praise to the illustrious Thomas
Dilworth, who whilom, in the days of our flagellation,
used to figure in front of Spelling Book
and “Schoolmaster's Assistant” dire, with quill
behind his ear, in powdered wig, and most redundant
chitterling. True it is, that the march of
improvement in this stupendous age of self-sharpening
pencils, silver forks, antibilious pills, Franklin
gridirons, artificial teeth, artificial flowers, artificial
women, and other stupendous improvements,—
true it is, that this illustrious man hath been elbowed
from the hallowed precincts of practical and
impracticableschools—we beg pardon, institutes—
wherein A, B, C is taught classically, and pothooks
and hangers perpetrated according to the true
principles of trigonometry,—true it is, that his
Spelling Book hath been superseded by millions
of new and improved systems invented by ambitious
pedagogues for the purpose of picking the
pockets of inexperienced parents, and thus benefiting
the rising generation,—that his Schoolmaster's
Assistant hath given place to the same
thing with a different, yea, a more high-sounding
name, and that the titlepage consecrated by his
powdered pate and sagacious phiz, wherein shone
the might of birch, hath been usurped by the effigies
of other pretenders who learned figures and

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spelling of the immortal gods. “True it is, and
pity 'tis 'tis true;” yet if we desert thee for these
modern upstarts, O most illustrious Thomas! may
we forget our multiplication table, lose the faculty
of calculating compound interest on the money
we lend to our dear friends, and all our practical
knowledge of subtraction be preserved by the necessity
of estimating the diminution of our bank
stock. Those only whose knowledge of arithmetic
will enable them to count the innumerable
flagellations we received under the auspices of the
illustrious Dilworth ere we could be brought to
comprehend the virtue of a common denominator,
can estimate the value of this disinterested tribute
to his memory.

The summons despatched to the Scotch merchant
was in due time followed by the appearance
of that exceedingly methodical person, who was
animated, governed, and impelled, as it were, by
the five rules of arithmetic. He reasoned like
a member of congress, in figures, and drew his
conclusions from profit and loss. It was equally
against his conscience to make a losing bargain
as to take an undue advantage for the
purposes of gain. Dangerfield, who had no
great good-will towards him (for no man loves
his creditor), used to tell a story of Mr. Mactabb,
which, whether true or not, was somewhat
in character. A friend, it seems, proposed to him
a shipment of tobacco to Ireland, where its introduction
was either prohibited or burdened with
enormous duties, observing, at the same time, he
doubted whether it would be quite right. Mactabb
took out his pencil, and entered upon a long
calculation, at the end of which he exclaimed,
“Right, sir, right, by a balance of five thousand

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pounds.” He was, in short, a lover of money;
yet, such are the strange inconsistencies of even
the most consummate misers, that though they
will starve themselves, they sometimes exhibit
the most extraordinary traits of generosity. Like
pent-up waters, it would seem, when the barrier
is once broken through, they flow in a torrent.
It was thus with Mactabb, who on more than one
occasion had conducted himself with a delicate
liberality which seemed little in accord with his
general character.

“Can you tell me how much I owe you, Mr.
Mactabb?” asked Colonel Dangerfield, almost
afraid to hear the answer.

Mactabb took out his memorandum-book, where
he had calculated the amount to a fraction. It
was somewhat more than seventy-five thousand
pounds, Virginia currency.

“No more?” asked the colonel, drawing his
breath freely, and rubbing his hands.

Mactabb lifted his specs from before his eyes.
and stared at him in astonishment.

“No more, Colonel Dangerfield! why, how
much did you think it was?”

“Why, the truth is, sir, I am not good at calculations;
and besides, I don't know how it is, but
I either kept no account of your advances, or I
have mislaid it. I thought I owed you almost
twice that sum.”

“Here is a phenomenon!” thought Mactabb;
“the first man I ever met with who overrated his
debts.” After a little hesitation, the colonel addressed
him again,—

“Mr. Mactabb, you have told me how much I
owe you; I wish you would go a little farther,
and tell me the amount of my debts to other
people.”

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Mactabb was more astonished than ever;
though he had been accustomed to dealing with
Virginia planters, he never met with exactly such
a one before.

“That, colonel, is out of my power unless you
will show me your accounts, your day-book, journal,
leger, statement of bills, notes, bonds, acceptances,
purchases, &c. &c. &c.”

“My what?” exclaimed the colonel, utterly confounded;
“I never kept an account in my life.”

“No!” exclaimed Mactabb, more astonished
than the colonel; “I don't wonder—” and here he
checked himself.

“Mr. Mactabb,” said Colonel Dangerfield, in a
husky tone, “it is useless to look back except with
a view to the future. What is done, is done. I
sent for you to learn the amount of your claims
upon me, and to say that you are at perfect liberty
to act on the deed of trust as soon as you
please. I can never repay you, and the estate
must be sold.”

“Sold!”

“Yes—sold.”

“Colonel Dangerfield,” said the Scotsman, “indulge
me a few moments. Is there no way of
avoiding this painful sacrifice? I am a man of
family myself, sir; my father has an estate in the
highlands of Scotland, which, barren as it is,
would break his old heart to part with. Will you—
to bring the matter to a close—will you place
your affairs in my hands, and await the result of
my inquiries and arrangements?”

“It is the very thing I wish; for I will acknowledge
myself utterly incapacitated for the task.”

After gaining all the information possible from
Colonel Dangerfield concerning the state of his
affairs which was very little, Mactabb departed on

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his errand. There is not much difficulty in finding
out creditors, and in less than a month he returned
with the requisite information. There
were a number of considerable demands, but Mactabb
was the principal creditor. Again the colonel
was surprised at the result, and again was the
honest Scot astonished at finding a man who did
not owe half as much as he expected.

“Let us see,” said Mactabb; “your estate contains—
how many acres?”

“I don't know exactly, but I believe about fourteen
thousand.”

“And the amount of your income is—”

“I can't say how much.”

“And the number of slaves—”

“Don't know—my overseer can tell.”

“Perhaps we had better call him in;” and the
overseer was accordingly summoned. After receiving
the necessary information, and the two
gentlemen being left alone, Mactabb resumed the
conversation.

“Well, Colonel Dangerfield, after all, I don't see
that your affairs are so desperate. A few years
of saving will set all right again.”

“But I don't know how to save.”

“O, you will soon learn; necessity is—” and
here he checked himself.

“No, I will be sincere with you, Mr. Mactabb;
if I continue here I must live as I have been accustomed
to live. I must accept invitations, and
give them; I must have my equipages, my pack
of hounds, my blood horses, and I must keep open
house. No, if I cannot hold up my head as I was
wont, I am determined to quit this part of the
country for ever. Besides, I shall be pestered for
debts I cannot pay.”

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“Let me be your sole creditor, and I will wait
your time.”

“You? why, I thought you—” and the colonel
stammered and stopped.

“I know what you thought me,—a miserly old
hunks, and, the Lord forgive me! so I am, I believe,
sometimes: the instinct of money-getting
frequently overpowers the inward man; but I assure
you, colonel, I am at this moment inclined
to do you a service.”

“I thank you, Mactabb,” replied Dangerfield,
somewhat suspicious of a design; “but I fear it
is out of your power. The estate must and shall
be sold publicly, if no private purchaser can be
found.”

“It will then be sacrificed.”

“I cannot help it. Perhaps you will take it off
my hands, and pay yourself, with the other creditors?”

Mactabb felt the old money-getting devil tugging
at his elbow, and whispering in his ear to
accept the offer. For a few moments he listened
to the tempter, and felt himself sorely beset by his
insinuations. But he said to himself, “Get thee
behind me, Satan;” and the cowardly imp obeyed.

“What say you, sir,” resumed Dangerfield, with
a desperate vivacity, “will you take all and pay
all?”

“No, I'll be d—d if I do!” Mactabb never
swore except when he was going to do a generous
action.

“I thought so,” observed the colonel, indignantly;
“you expect to make a better bargain at
a public sale.”

“There you thought wrong, Colonel Dangerfield.
I expect to make a better bargain in

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private for you; please to attend to me. I still think
that the better way would be to keep your estate,
and by an inflexible course of economy—[the
colonel shook his head]—well, then, to the other
point; you must make the best sale you can—”

“I know nothing about bargains.”

“More is the pity, Colonel Dangerfield; a man
ignorant of bargaining is always at the mercy of
rogues.”

“And a man acquainted with it is very often a
rogue himself.”

“Amen—tit for tat is all fair. But to the point
once more. In few words, and in all sincerity, I
will take your estate.”

“Hum!” quoth the colonel, dryly.

“I will pay your debts.”

“Hum!” still more dryly.

“I will give you a discharge in full.”

“Hum!” as dry as tinder; “and so the matter
is settled at last.”

“Not quite; there is one condition yet to be
complied with; you must—”

“What a cursed old skinflint!” thought the
colonel.

“You must bind yourself, your heirs, executors,
and assigns to receive from me the just and
full sum of five thousand pounds, Virginia currency,
as a balance due you in the settlement
of this business.”

“The devil!” exclaimed the colonel, astonished.

“Do you consent, Colonel Dangerfield?”

“Are you in earnest, Mr. Mactabb?”

“I am always in earnest when I make a bargain.”

“Well, then, give me your hand, sir; and
damme if you are not the prince of tobacco

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merchants. You are a right generous fellow; and
I'll make you a present of Barebones.”

“O, no, no, colonel, don't tempt me to lose my
money on a broken-down horse.”

“A broken-down horse, sir! Do you mean to
insult me by insinuating that Barebones is broke
down, or that I would give him to you if he was
not at this moment able to beat any horse, mare,
or gelding in Virginia?”

“Except Molly Magpie.

“No, sir,” cried the colonel, in a rage, “not excepting
Molly Magpie. I'll tell you what, Mr.
Mactabb, you may be a judge of tobacco, but
you know no more of a horse than old Allen of
Claremont; and more than that, sir, please to understand
I'm off with my agreement. You shan't
have my estate; you shan't pay my debts; and
damme if I accept your five thousand pounds.—
Barebones broke down, indeed!”

It was with some difficulty Mactabb allayed the
wrath of the colonel. “A sailor is all one as a
piece of his ship,” as the old song says, and a Virginian
is all one as a piece of his horse. He realizes
the fable of the centaurs—he will have a
horse if he has nothing else; and if he cannot
procure a pair of spurs, he will fasten a single one
to his right heel, justly considering that if you
prick one side of a horse along, the other will follow
of course. Mactabb finally pacified the colonel
by some adroit allusions to the exploits of
Barebones, and the matter was amicably settled.
The colonel consented to have his debts paid, and
to receive the five thousand pounds.

“After all I have got a great bargain,” said
Mactabb, “if I only knew as much about the
cultivation of tobacco as of its quality and
value.”

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“And I have made a good bargain too,” said
the colonel, with a sigh, “if I only knew as well
how to make, as I do about making away with
money.”

As the winter was now at hand, it was settled
that Colonel Dangerfield should remain where he
was until spring; and after discussing a bottle of
Madeira from a vintage which I believe preceded
the discovery of that island, Mactabb departed for
his residence in the city of Richmond, the abode
of hospitable men and bonny lasses. Here he set
about arranging the affairs of Colonel Dangerfield
with that indefatigable zeal which marked his
character. Next to making money it was his
greatest pleasure to pay it where it was honestly
due, though we are obliged to confess that, on
this occasion, tradition says he squeezed some of
the colonel's creditors at such a horrible rate, that
they did not recover their breath for a week afterwards.
Among the greatest sufferers was an honest
painstaking cobbler, who whilom was wont
to officiate for the dingy vassals of Powhatan,
from whose bill he victoriously deducted sixpence
in the matter of a pair of heeltaps.