Simple.
Host.
What would'st thou have, boor? what, thickskin?
speak, breath, discuss; brief, short, quick, snap.
-- 78 --
Simp.
Marry, sir, I come to speak with sir John
Falstaff from master Slender.
Host.
There's his chamber, his house, his castle,
his standing-bed and truckle-bed; 'tis painted about
with the story of the prodigal, fresh and new:
Go, knock and call; he'll speak like an Anthropophaginian
unto thee: Knock, I say.
Simp.
There's an old woman, a fat woman, gone
up into his chamber; I'll be so bold as stay, sir, 'till
she come down: I come to speak with her, indeed.
Host.
Ha! a fat woman? the knight may be rob'd:
I'll call.—Bully knight! bully sir John! speak from
thy lungs military; Art thou there? it is thine host,
thine Ephesian, calls.
Fals. [above]
How now, mine host?
Host.
Here's a Bohemian-Tartar tarries the coming
down of thy fat woman: Let her descend, bully,
let her descend; my chambers are honourable: Fie!
privacy? fie!
Enter Falstaff.
Fals.
There was, mine host, an old fat woman
even now with me; but she's gone.
Simp.
Pray you, sir, was't not the wise woman of
Brentford?
Fals.
Ay, marry, was it, mussel-shell; What
would you with her?
Simp.
My master, sir, my master Slender, sent to
her, seeing her go thorough note the streets, to know, sir,
whether one Nym, sir, that beguil'd him of a chain, had
the chain, or no.
Fals.
I spake with the old woman about it.
Simp.
And what says she, I pray, sir?
-- 79 --
Fals.
Marry, she says, that the very same man, that
beguil'd master Slender of his chain, cozen'd him of it.
Simp.
I would, I could have spoken with the woman
herself; I had other things to have spoken with
her too, from him.
Fals.
What are they? let us know.
Host.
Ay, come; quick.
Simp.
I may note not conceal them, sir.
Host.
Conceal them,14Q0077 or thou dy'st.
Simp.
Why, sir, they were nothing but about mistress
Anne Page; to know, if it were my master's fortune note
to have her, or no.
Fals.
'Tis, 'tis his fortune.
Simp.
What, sir?
Fals.
To have her, or no: Go; say, the woman
told me so.
Simp.
May I be bold to say so, sir?
Fals.
Ay, sir; like who more bold.
Simp.
I thank your worship: I shall make my master
glad with these tidings.
[Exit.
Host.
Thou art clerkly, thou art clerkly, sir John:
Was there a wise woman with thee?
Fals.
Ay, that there was, mine host; one that hath
taught me more wit than ever I learn'd before in my
life: and I pay'd nothing for it neither, but was pay'd
for my learning.
Enter Bardolph, hastily.
Bard.
Out, alas, sir! cozenage, meer cozenage!
Host.
Where be my horses? speak well of them,
varletto.
Bard.
Run away with the cozeners: for so soon
as I came beyond Eaton, they threw me off, from behind
-- 80 --
one of them, in a slough of mire; and set spurs,
and away, like three German divels, three doctor
Faustus's.
Host.
They are gone but to meet the duke, villain:
do not say, they be fled; Germans are honest men.
Enter Sir Hugh Evans.
Sir H.
Where is mine host?
Host.
What is the matter, sir?
Sir H.
Have a care of your entertainments: there
is a friend of mine come to town, tells me, there is
three cousin germans, that has cozen'd all the hosts of
Readings, of Maidenhead, of Colebrook, of horses and money.
I tell you for good will, look you: you are wise,
and full of gibes and vlouting stogs; and 'tis not convenient
you should be cozened: Fare you well.
[Exit.
Enter Doctor Caius.
D. Cai.
Vere is mine host de jartere?
Host.
Here, master doctor; in perplexity, and
doubtful dilemma.
D. Cai.
I cannot tell vat is dat: But it is tell-a me,
dat you make grand preparation for a duke de Jamany:
by my trot, dere is no duke, dat de court is know, to
come: I tell you for good vill: adieu.
[Exit.
Host.
Hue and cry, villain, go:—assist me, knight;
I am undone:—fly, run, hue and cry, villain; I am
undone!
[Exeunt Host, and Bardolph.
Fals.
I would, all the world might be cozen'd;
for I have been cozen'd, and beaten too. If it should
come to the ear of the court, how I have been transformed,
and how my transformation hath been wash'd
and cudgel'd, they would melt me out of my fat, drop
by drop, and liquor fishermen's boots with me; I warrant,
-- 81 --
they would whip me with their fine wits, 'till I were as
crest-fall'n as a dry'd pear. I never prosper'd since I
forswore myself at Primero. Well, if my wind were but
long enough to say my prayers, note I would repent.—Now!
Enter Mistress Quickly.
whence come you?
Quic.
From the two parties, forsooth.
Fals.
The devil take one party, and his dam the
other, and so they shall be both bestowed! I have suffer'd
more for their sakes, more, than the villainous
inconstancy of man's disposition is able to bear.
Quic.
And have not they suffer'd? yes, I warrant;
'speciously one of them; mistress Ford, good heart, is
beaten black and blue, that you cannot see a white
spot about her.
Fals.
What tell'st thou me of black and blue? I
was beaten myself into all the colours of the rain-bow;
and I was like to be apprehended for the witch of
Brentford: but that my admirable dexterity of wit, my
counterfeiting the action of an old woman,14Q0078 deliver'd
me, the knave constable had set me i'the stocks, i'th'
common stocks, for a witch.
Quic.
Sir, let me speak with you in your chamber:
you shall hear how things go; and, I warrant, to your
content: here is a letter † will say somewhat. Good
hearts, what ado here is to bring you together! sure,
one of you does not serve heaven well, that you are so
cross'd.
Fals.
Come up into my chamber.
[Exeunt.
Edward Capell [1767], Mr William Shakespeare his comedies, histories, and tragedies, set out by himself in quarto, or by the Players his Fellows in folio, and now faithfully republish'd from those Editions in ten Volumes octavo; with an introduction: Whereunto will be added, in some other Volumes, notes, critical and explanatory, and a Body of Various Readings entire (Printed by Dryden Leach, for J. and R. Tonson [etc.], London) [word count] [S10601].
