Evans.
Shal.
Sir Hugh, persuade me not; I will make a
star-chamber matter of it: if he were twenty sir John
Falstaffs, note he shall not abuse Robert Shallow, esquire,—
Slen.
In the county of Gloster, justice of peace and
coram.
Shal.
Ay, cousin Slender, and custalorum.
Slen.
Ay, and ratolorum note too; and a gentleman born,
master parson; who writes himself, armigero; in any bill,
warrant, quittance, or obligation, armigero.
Shal.
Ay, that I do; and have done, any time these
three hundred years.
Slen.
All his successors, gone before him, have don't note;
and all his ancestors, that come after him, may: they
may give the dozen white luces in their coat.
Shal.
It is an old coat.
Sir H.
The dozen white louses do become an old coat
-- 4 --
well; it agrees well passant: it is a familiar beast to man,
and signifies—love.
Shal.
The luce14Q0044 [to Slen. showing him his Seal-ring.]
is the fresh fish; the salt fish is an old coat.
Slen.
I may quarter, coz'.
Shal.
You may, by marrying.
Sir H.
It is marring, indeed, note if he quarter it.
Shal.
Not a whit.
Sir H.
Yes, py'r-lady; if he has a quarter of your
coat, there is but three skirts note for yourself, in my simple
conjectures: but that is all one: If sir John Falstaff have
committed disparagements unto you, I am of the church,
and will be glad to do my benevolence, to make atonements
and compremises between you.
Shal.
The council shall hear it; it is a riot.
Sir H.
It is not meet the council hear a note riot; there is
no fear of Got in a riot: the council, look you, shall desire
to hear the fear of Got, and not to hear a riot; take
your visaments note in that.
Shal.
Ha! o' my life, if I were young again, the
sword should end it.
Sir H.
It is petter that friends is the sword, and end note
it: and there is also another device in my prain, which,
peradventure, prings goot discretions note with it: There is
Anne Page, which is daughter to master Thomas Page, note14Q0045
which is pretty virginity.
Slen.
Mistress Anne Page? she has brown hair, and
speaks small like note a woman.
Sir H.
It is that fery person for all the 'orld, note as just
as you will desire; and seven hundred pounds of monies,
and gold, and silver, is her grandsire, upon his
death's bed, (Got deliver to a joyful resurrections!)
-- 5 --
give, when she is able to overtake seventeen years old:
It were a goot motion, note if we leave our pribbles and
prabbles, and desire a marriage between master Abraham,
and mistress Anne Page.
Shal.
Did her grandsire14Q0046 leave her seven hundred
pound?
Sir H.
Ay, and his father note note is make her a petter
penny.
Shal.
I know the young gentlewoman; she has good
gifts.
Sir H.
Seven hundred pounds, and possibilities note, is
good gifts.
Shal.
Well, let us see honest master Page: Is Falstaff
there?
Sir H.
Shall I tell you a lye? I do despise a liar, as
I do despise one that is false; or, as I despise one that
is not true: The knight sir John is there; and I beseech
you, be ruled by your well-willers: I will peat the
door for master Page.—What, hoa! Got pless note your house
here!
Enter Page.
Page.
Who's there?
Sir H.
Here is Got's plessing, and your friend, and
justice Shallow: and here is young note master Slender; that,
peradventures, shall tell you another tale, if matters
grow to your likings.
Page.
I am glad to see your worships well: I thank
you for my venison, master Shallow.
Shal.
Master Page, I am glad to see you; Much
good do it your good heart! I wish'd your venison
better; it was ill killed:—How doth good mistress
Page?—and I thank you always with my heart, la;
-- 6 --
with my heart.
Page.
Sir, I thank you.
Shal.
Sir, I thank you; by yea and no, I do.
Page.
I am glad to see you, good master Slender.
Slen.
How does your fallow greyhound, sir? I heard
say, he was out-run on Cotsall.
Page.
It could not be judg'd, sir.
Slen.
You'll not confess, you'll not confess.
Shal.
That he will not;14Q0047—'tis your fault, 'tis your
fault: 'Tis a good dog.
Page.
A cur, sir.
Shal.
Sir, he's a good dog, and a fair dog; Can
there be more said? he is good, and fair. Is sir John
Falstaff here?
Page.
Sir, he is within; and I would I could do a
good office between you.
Sir H.
It is spoke as a christians ought to speak.
Shal.
He hath wrong'd me, master Page.
Page.
Sir, he doth in some sort confess it.
Shal.
If it be confessed, it is not redressed; Is not
that so, master Page? He hath wrong'd me; indeed, he
hath; at a word, he hath; believe me; Robert Shallow
esquire saith, he is wronged.
Page.
Here comes sir John.
Enter Sir John Falstaff, Nym, Pistol, and Bardolph.
Fals.
Now, master Shallow; you'll complain of me
to the king?
Shal.
Knight, you have beaten my men, kill'd my
deer, and broke open my lodge.
Fals.
But not kiss'd your keeper's daughter?
Shal.
Tut note a pin! this shall be answer'd.
-- 7 --
Fals.
I will answer it straight;—I have done all
this:—That is now answer'd.
Shal.
The council shall know this.
Fals.
'Twere better for you if it were known in
council? you'll be laugh'd at.
Sir H.
Pauca verba, sir John; good worts.
Fals.
Good worts! good cabbage:—Slender, I broke
your head; What matter have you against me?
Slen.
Marry, sir, I have matter in my head against
you; and against your coney-catching rascals, Bardolph,
Nym, and Pistol.
Bard.
You Banbury cheese!14Q0048
Slen.
Ay, it is no matter.
Pist.
How now, Mephostophilus?
Slen.
Ay, it is no matter.
Nym.
Slice, I say! pauca, pauca; slice! that's my
humour.
Slen.
Where's Simple my man?—can you tell,
cousin?
Sir H.
Peace, I pray you! Now let us understand:
There is three umpires in this matter, as I understand:
that is—master Page, fidelicet, master Page; and there is
myself, fidelicet, myself; and the three party is, lastly and
finally, mine host of the garter.
Page.
We three, to hear it, and end it between
them.
Sir H.
Fery goot: I will make a prief of it in my
note-book; and we will afterwards 'ork upon the cause,
with as great discreetly as we can.
Fals.
Pistol,—
Pist.
He hears with ears.
Sir H.
The tevil and his tam! what phrase is this,
-- 8 --
He hears with ear? Why, it is affectations.
Fals.
Pistol, did you pick master14Q0049 Slender's purse?
Slen.
Ay, by these gloves, did he, (or I would I
might never come in mine own great chamber again
else) of seven groats in mill-sixpences, and two Edward
shovel-boards, that cost me two shilling and two-pence
a-piece of Yead Miller, by these gloves.
Fals.
Is this true, Pistol?
Sir H.
No, it is false, if it is a pickpurse.
Pist.
Ha, thou mountain foreigner!—
Sir John and master mine,
I combat challenge of this latten note bilboe:—
Word of denial in thy labras here;
Word of denial; froth and scum, thou ly'st.
Slen.
By these gloves, then 'twas † he.
Nym.
Be avis'd, sir, and pass good humours: I will
say, marry trap, with you, if you run the nuthook's
humour note on me; that is the very note of it.
Slen.
By this hat, then † he in the red face had it:
for though I cannot remember what I did when you
made me drunk, yet I am not altogether an ass.
Fals.
What say you, Scarlet and John?
Bard.
Why, sir, for my part, I say, the gentleman
had drunk himself out of his five sentences;
Sir H.
It is his five senses: fie, what the ignorance is!
Bard.
And being fap, sir, was, as they say, cashier'd;
and so conclusions past the careeres.
Slen.
Ay, you spake in Latin then too; note but 'tis no
matter: I'll ne'er be drunk whilst I live again, but in
honest, civil, godly company, for this trick: if I be
drunk, I'll be drunk with those that have the fear of
God, and not with drunken knaves.
-- 9 --
Sir H.
So Got 'udge me, that is a virtuous mind.
Fals.
You hear all these matters deny'd, gentlemen;
you hear it.
Enter Mistress Anne Page, with Wine; Mist. Ford,
and Mist. Page, following her.
Page.
Nay, daughter, carry the wine in; we'll drink
within.
Slen.
O heaven! this is mistress Anne Page.
Page.
How now, mistress Ford?
Fals.
Mistress Ford, by my troth, you are very well
met: by your leave, good mistress.
[kissing her.
Page.
Wife, bid these gentlemen welcome:—Come,
we have a hot venison pasty to dinner; come, gentlemen;
I hope, we shall drink down all unkindness.
[Exeunt All, but Shal. Slen. and Sir H. Evans.
Slen.
I had rather than forty shillings, I had my
book of songs and sonnets here:—
Enter Simple.
How now, Simple; where have you been? I must wait
on myself, must I? You have not the book of riddles
about you, have you?
Simp.
Book of riddles! why, did you not lend it to
Alice Short-cake, upon Alhallowmas last, a fortnight afore
Michaelmas? note14Q0050
Shal.
Come, coz; come, coz; we stay for you. A
word with you, coz: marry, this, coz; There is, as
'twere, a tender, a kind of tender, made afar off by sir
Hugh here;—Do you understand me?
Slen.
Ay, sir, you shall find me reasonable; if it be
so, I shall do that that is reason.
Shal.
Nay, but understand me.
Slen.
So I do, sir.
-- 10 --
Sir H.
Give ear to his motions, master Slender: I
will description the matter to you, if you be capacity
of it.
Slen.
Nay, I will do as my cousin Shallow says:
I pray you, pardon me; he's a justice of peace in his
country, simple though I stand here.
Sir H.
But that is not the question; the question is
concerning your marriage.
Shal.
Ay, there's the point, sir.
Sir H.
Marry, is it; the very point of it; to mistress
Anne Page.
Slen.
Why, if it be so, I will marry her, upon any
reasonable demands.
Sir H.
But can you affection the 'oman? let us command
to know that of your mouth, or of your lips;—
for divers philosophers hold, that the lips is parcel of
the mouth;—Therefore, precisely, can you carry note your
good will to the maid?
Shal.
Cousin Abraham Slender, can you love her?
Slen.
I hope, sir,—I will do as it shall become one
that would do reason.
Sir H.
Nay, Got's lords and his ladies, you must
speak possitable, if you can carry her your desires towards
her.
Shal.
That you must; Will you, upon good dowry,
marry her?
Slen.
I will do a greater thing than that, upon your
request, cousin, in any reason.
Shal.
Nay, conceive me, conceive me, sweet coz;
what I do is to pleasure you, coz: Can you love the
maid?
Slen.
I will marry her, sir, at your request; but if
-- 11 --
there be no great love in the beginning, yet heaven
may decrease it upon better acquaintance, when we are
marry'd, and have more occasion to know one another:
I hope, upon familiarity will grow more content: note but
if you say, marry her, I will marry her, that I am freely
dissolv'd, and dissolutely.
Sir H.
It is a fery discretion answer; save the faul'
is in the 'ort, dissolutely: the 'ort is, according to our
meaning, resolutely;—his meaning is good.
Shal.
Ay, I think my cousin meant well.
Slen.
Ay, or else I would I might be hang'd, la.
Re-enter Anne Page.
Shal.
Here comes fair mistress Anne:—'Would I
were young, for your sake, mistress Anne!
Anne.
The dinner is on the table; my father desires
your worships' note company.
Shal.
I will wait on him, fair mistress Anne.
Sir H.
Od's plessed will! I will not be absence at
the grace.
[Exeunt Shallow, and Sir Hugh Evans.
Anne.
Will't please your worship to come in, sir?
Slen.
No, I thank you, forsooth, heartily; I am
very well.
Anne.
The dinner attends you, sir.
Slen.
I am not a-hungry, I thank you, forsooth:—
Go, sirrah, for all you are my man, go, wait upon my
cousin Shallow; [Exit Simple.] a justice of peace sometime
may be beholding to his friend for a man:—I
keep but three men and a boy yet, 'till my mother be
dead: But what though? yet I live note like a poor gentleman
born.
Anne.
I may not go in without your worship: they
will not sit, 'till you come.
-- 12 --
Slen.
I'faith, I'll eat nothing: I thank you as much
as though I did.
Anne.
I pray you, sir, walk in.
Slen.
I had rather walk here, I thank you: I bruis'd
my shin th' other day with playing at sword and dagger
with a master of fence, three veneys for a dish of
stew'd prunes; and, by my troth, I cannot abide the
smell of hot meat since. Why do your dogs bark so? be
there bears i' th' town?
Anne.
I think, there are, sir; I heard them talk'd of.
Slen.
I love the sport well; but I shall as soon quarrel
at it, as any man in England:—You are afraid, if
you see the bear loose, are you not?
Anne.
Ay, indeed, sir.
Slen.
That's meat and drink to me now: I have
seen Sackerson loose, twenty times; and have taken him
by the chain: but, I warrant you, the women have so
cry'd and shriek'd at it, that it pass'd:—but women,
indeed, cannot abide 'em; they are very ill-favour'd
rough things.
Re-enter Page.
Page.
Come, gentle master Slender, come; we stay
for you.
Slen.
I'll eat note nothing, I thank you, sir.
Page.
By cock and pye, you shall not choose, sir:
come, come.
Slen.
Nay, pray you, lead the way.
Page.
Come on, sir.
Slen.
Mistress Anne, yourself shall go first.
Anne.
Not I, sir; pray you, keep on.
Slen.
Truly, I will not go first; truly, la: I will
not do you that wrong.
-- 13 --
Anne.
I pray you, sir.
Slen.
I'll rather be unmannerly, than troublesome:
You do yourself wrong, indeed, la.
[Exeunt.
SCENE II.
The same.
Enter Sir Hugh Evans, and Simple.
Sir H.
Go your ways, and ask of doctor Caius' house,
which is the way: and there dwells one mistress Quickly;
which is in the manner of his nurse, or his dry nurse, or
his cook, or his laundry, his washer, and his wringer.
Simp.
Well, sir.
Sir H.
Nay, it is petter yet:—give her this &dagger2; letter;
for it is a 'oman that altogethers acquaintance with
mistress Anne Page; and the letter is, to desire and require
her to solicit your master's desires to mistress Anne
Page: I pray you, be gone; I will make an end of my
dinner; there's pippins and cheese to come.
[Exeunt, severally.
SCENE III.
A Room in the garter Inn.
Enter Falstaff, Host, Bardolph, Pistol, Nym, and Robin.
Fals.
Mine host of the garter,—
Host.
What says my bully rook?14Q0051 speak schollarly,
and wisely.
Fals.
Truly, mine host, I must turn away some of
my followers.
Host.
Discard, bully Hercules; cashier: let them wag;
trot, trot.
Fals.
I sit at ten pounds a week.
Host.
Thou'rt an emperor, Cesar, Keisar, and Pheasar.
I will entertain Bardolph; he shall draw, he shall tap: note
-- 14 --
Said I well, bully Hector?
Fals.
Do so, good mine host.
Host.
I have spoke; let him follow:—Let me see
thee froth and lime: note I am at a word; follow.
[Exit Host.
Fals.
Bardolph, follow him; a tapster is a good
trade: An old cloak makes a new jerkin; a wither'd
serving-man, a fresh tapster: Go; adieu.
Bard.
It is a life that I have desir'd: I will thrive.
[Exit Bardolph.
Pist.
O base Gongarian note wight! wilt thou the spigot
wield?
Nym.
He was gotten in drink: Is not the humour
conceited? note
Fals.
I am glad, I am so acquit of this tinder-box;
his thefts were too open: his filching was like an unskilful
singer, he kept not time.
Nym.
The good humour is, to steal at a minute's
rest.
Pist.
Convey, the wise it call: Steal! foh; a fico
for the phrase!
Fals.
Well, sirs, I am almost out at heels.
Pist.
Why then, let kybes ensue.
Fals.
There is no remedy; I must coney-catch, I
must shift.
Pist.
Young ravens must have food.
Fals.
Which of you know Ford of this town?
Pist.
I ken the wight; he is of substance good.
Fals.
My honest lads, I will tell you what I am
about.
Pist.
Two yards, and more.
Fals.
No quips now, Pistol: Indeed, I am in the
-- 15 --
waste two yards about: but I am now about no waste;
I am about thrift. Briefly, I do mean to make love to
Ford's wife; I spy entertainment in her; she discourses,
she carves note, she gives the leer of invitation: I can construe
the action of her familiar stile; and the hardest
voice of her behaviour, to be english'd rightly, is, I am
sir John Falstaff's.
Pist.
He hath study'd her will, and translated her
will; out of honesty into English.
Nym.
The anchor is deep: Will that humour pass?
Fals.
Now, the report goes,14Q0052 she hath all note the rule of
her husband's purse; she hath legions of note angels.
Pist.
As many devils entertain; and, To her, boy,
say I.
Nym.
The humour rises; it is good: humour me
the angels.
Fals.
I have writ me here † a letter to her: and
here another † to Page's wife; who even now gave me
good eyes too, examin'd my parts with most judicious
oeillades note: sometimes the beam of her view gilded my
foot, note sometimes my portly belly.
Pist.
Then did the sun on dunghill shine.
Nym.
I thank thee for that humour.
Fals.
O, she did so course-o'er my exteriors with
such a greedy intention, that the appetite of her eye
did seem to scorch me up like a burning-glass! Here's
† another letter to her: she bears the purse too; she is
a region in Guiana, all gold and bounty. I will be
'cheator note note to them both, and they shall be exchequers to
me; they shall be my East and West-Indies, and I will
trade to them both. Go, bear thou † this letter to mistress
Page; and thou † this to mistress Ford: we will
-- 16 --
thrive, lads, we will thrive.
Pist.
Shall I sir Pandarus of Troy become,
And by my side wear steel? then, Lucifer take all!
Nym.
I will run no base humour: here, take the
humour letter; I will keep the 'haviour of reputation.
Fals.
Hold, sirrah,14Q0053 [to Rob.] bear you &dagger2; these letters tightly note;
Sail, like my pinnace, to the golden note shores.—
Rogues, hence, avaunt, vanish like hailstones, go;
Trudge, plod, away, o'the hoof note, note seek shelter, pack!
Falstaff will learn the humour of this note age,
French thrift, you rogues, myself and skirted page.
[Exeunt Falstaff, and Robin.
Pist.
Let vultures gripe thy guts! for gourd and Fullam holds; note
And high and low beguiles the rich and poor:
Tester I'll have in pouch, when thou shalt lack,
Base Phrygian Turk!
Nym.
I have operations in my head note, which be humours
of revenge.
Pist.
Wilt thou revenge?
Nym.
By welkin, and her star!
Pist.
With wit, or steel?
Nym.
With both the humours I:
I will discuss the humour of this love to Ford.
Pist.
And I to Page shall eke unfold,
How Falstaff, varlet vile,
His dove will prove, his gold will hold,
And his soft couch defile.
Nym.
My humour shall not cool: I will incense Ford
to deal with poison; I will possess him with yellowness,14Q0054
for the revolt of mien note is dangerous: that is my true
-- 17 --
humour.
Pist.
Thou art the Mars of male-contents: I second
thee; troop on.
[Exeunt.
SCENE IV.
A Room in Doctor Caius' House.
Enter Mistress Quickly, Simple, and John Rugby.
Quic.
What; John Rugby!—I pray thee, go to the
casement; and see if you can see my master, master
doctor Caius, coming: if he do, i'faith, and find any
body in the house, here will be an old abusing of God's
patience, and the king's English.
Rugb.
I'll go watch.
[Exit Rugby.
Quic.
Go; and we'll have a posset for't soon at
night, i'faith, at the latter end of a sea-coal fire.—
An honest, willing, kind fellow, as ever servant shall
come in house withal; and, I warrant you, no tell-tale,
nor no breed-bate: his worst fault is, that he is given
to prayer; he is something peevish that way: but no
body but has his fault;—but let that pass. Peter Simple,
you say, your name is?
Simp.
Ay, for fault of a better.
Quic.
And master Slender's your master?
Simp.
Ay, forsooth.
Quic.
Does he not wear a great round beard, like a
glover's paring-knife?
Simp.
No, forsooth: he hath but a little whey-face note,
with a little yellow beard; a cane-colour'd note beard.14Q0055
Quic.
A softly-sp'rited man, is he not?
Simp.
Ay, forsooth: but he is as tall a man of his
hands, as any is between this and his head; he hath
fought with a warrener.
Quic.
How say you?—oh, I should remember him;
-- 18 --
Does he not hold up his head, as it were, and strut in
his gait?
Simp.
Yes, indeed, does he.
Quic.
Well, heaven send Anne Page no worse fortune!
Tell master parson Evans, I will do what I can
for your master: Anne is a good girl; and I wish—
Re-enter Rugby, hastily.
Rugb.
Out, alas! here comes my master.
Quic.
We shall all be shent:—Run in here, good
young man; go into this closet; [Shuts him in.] he will
not stay long.—What, John Rugby; John! what, John
I say!—Go, John, go, enquire for my master; I doubt
he be not well, that he comes not home:—and down,
down, adown-a, &c.
[singing.
Enter Doctor Caius.
D. Cai.
Vat is you sing? I do not like dese toys:
Pray you, go and vetch me in my closet un boitier note
verd; a box, a green-a box;—Do intend vat I speak?—
a green-a note box.
Quic.
Ay, forsooth, I'll fetch it you. &clquo;I am glad
he went not in himself: if he had found the young
man, he would have been horn-mad.&crquo;
D. Cai.
Fe, fe, fe, fe! ma foi, il fait fort chaud. Je
m'en vai a la cour,—la grande affaire.
Quic.
Is it this, sir?
D. Cai.
Oui, mette le au mon pocket; depeche, quickly:
—Vere is dat knave Rugby?
Quic.
What, John Rugby; John!
Rugb.
Here, sir.
D. Cai.
You are John Rugby, and you are Jack
Rugby: Come, take-a your note rapier, and come after my
heel to de court.
-- 19 --
Rugb.
'Tis ready, sir, here in the porch.
D. Cai.
By my trot, I tarry too long:—Od's me! qu'
ay je oubliè? dere is some simples in my closet, dat I
vil not for de varld I shall leave behind.
Quic.
Ah me! he'll find the young man there, and
be mad.
D. Cai.
O diable, diable! vat is in my closet?—Villany, note
larron!—[pulling Simple out.] Rugby, my rapier.
Quic.
Good master, be content.
D. Cai.
Verefore shall I note be content-a?
Quic.
The young man is an honest man.
D. Cai.
Vat shall de honest man do in my closet?
dere is note no honest man dat shall come in my closet.
Quic.
I beseech you, be not so flegmatic; hear the
truth of it. He came of an errand to me from parson
Hugh:
D. Cai.
Vell.
Simp.
Ay, forsooth; to desire her to—
Quic.
Peace, I pray you.
D. Cai.
Peace-a your tongue;—Speak-a your tale.
Simp.
To desire this honest gentlewoman, your
maid, to speak a good word to mistress Anne Page for
my master in the way of marriage.
Quic.
This is all, indeed-la; but I'll ne'er put my
finger in the fire, and need not.
D. Cai.
Sir Hugh send-a note you?—Rugby, baillez me note
some paper:—Tarry you a little-a while.
[sitting note down to write.
Quic.
I am glad, he is so quiet: if he had been
throughly moved, you should have heard him so loud
and so melancholy;—But notwithstanding, man, I'll do
your note master what good I can: and the very yea and the
-- 20 --
no is, the French note doctor my master,—I may call him
my master, look you, for I keep his house; and I wash,
wring, brew, bake, scour, dress meat and drink,14Q0056 make
the beds, and do all myself.
Simp.
'Tis a great charge, to come under one body's
hand.
Quic.
Are you avis'd o' that? you shall find it a
great charge: And to be up early, and down late;—
but notwithstanding, (to tell you in your ear; I would
have no words of it) my master himself is in love with
mistress Anne Page: but notwithstanding that,—I know
Anne's mind,—that's neither here nor there.
D. Cai.
You, jack'nape; give-a dis &dagger2; letter to sir
Hugh; by gar, it is a shallenge: I vill cut his troat in
de park; and I vill teach a scurvy jackanape priest to
meddle or make:—you may be gone; it is not good
you tarry here:—by gar, I vill cut all his two stones;
by gar, he shall not have a stone to trow at his dog.
[Exit Simple.
Quic.
Alas, he speaks but for his friend.
D. Cai.
It is no matter-a for dat:—do not you tell-a
me, dat I shall have Anne Page for myself?—by gar,
I vill kill de jack priest; and I have appointed mine
host of de jarteer to measure our weapon:—by gar, I
vill myself have Anne Page.
Quic.
Sir, the maid loves you, and all shall be
well: we must give folks leave to prate; What, the
good year note!
D. Cai.
Rugby, come to de court vit me:—By gar,
if I have not Anne Page, I shall turn your head out of
door: note—Follow my heels, Rugby.
[Exeunt Caius, and Rugby.
-- 21 --
Quic.
You shall have An fool's head of your own:—
No, I know Anne's mind for that: never a woman in
Windsor knows more of Anne's mind than I do; nor can
do more than I do with her, I thank heaven.
Fent. [within.]
Who's within there, ho?
Quic.
Who's there, I trow? come near the house, I
pray you.
Enter Fenton.
Fent.
How now, good woman; how dost thou?
Quic.
The better that it pleases your good worship
to ask.
Fent.
What news? how does pretty mistress Anne?
Quic.
In truth, sir, and she is pretty, and honest,
and gentle; and one that is your friend, I can tell you
that by the way, I praise heaven for it.
Fent.
Shall I do any good, think'st thou? shall I
not lose my suit?
Quic.
'Troth, sir, all is in his hands above: but
notwithstanding, master Fenton, I'll be sworn on a book,
she loves you; Have not your worship a wart above your
eye?
Fent.
Yes, marry, have I; What of that?
Quic.
Well, thereby hangs a tale;—good faith, it
is such another Nan;—but, I detest, an honest maid as
ever broke bread: We had an hour's talk of that wart;
I shall never laugh but in that maid's company: but,
indeed, she is given too much to allicholly and musing:
But, for you—well, go to.
Fent.
Well, I shall see her to-day: Hold, there's &dagger2;
money for thee; let me have thy voice in my behalf:
if thou see'st her before me, commend me—
Quic.
Will I? i'faith, that we will: and I will tell
-- 22 --
your worship more of the wart, the next time we have
confidence; and of other wooers.
Fent.
Well, farewel; I am in great haste now.
[Exit.
Quic.
Farewel to your worship.—Truly, an honest
gentleman; but Anne loves him not; for I know Anne's
mind as well as another does: Out upon't! what have
I forgot?
[Exit.
ACT II.
SCENE I.
Before Page's House.
Enter Mistress Page, with a Letter.
M. Pa.
What, have I 'scap'd note love-letters in the holiday
time of my beauty, and am I now a subject for
them? Let me see:
[reads.
Ask me no reason why I love you; for though love14Q0057
use reason for his precisian, he admits him not for his
counsellor: You are not young, no more am I; go to
then, there's sympathy: you are merry, so am I; Ha!
ha! then there's more sympathy: you love sack, and so
do I; Would you desire better sympathy? let it suffice
thee, mistress Page, (at the least, if the love of soldier
can suffice) that I love thee: I will not say, pity me, 'tis
not a soldier-like phrase; but I say, love me. By me,
Thine own true knight,
By day or night,
Or any kind of light,
With all his might
For thee to fight,
John Falstaff.
What a Herod of Jewry is this?—O wicked, wicked
-- 23 --
world!—one that is well-nigh worn to pieces with
age, to show himself a young gallant! What one unweigh'd note
behaviour hath this Flemish drunkard pick'd
(with the devil's note name) out of my conversation, that
he dares in this manner assay me? Why, he hath not
been thrice in my company!—What should I say to
him?—I was then frugal of my mirth: Heaven forgive
me! Why, I'll exhibit a bill in the parliament
for the putting down of men. note How shall I be reveng'd
on him? for reveng'd I will be, as sure as his guts are
made of puddings.
Enter Mistress Ford.
M. Fo.
Mistress Page! trust me, I was going to your
house.
M. Pa.
And, trust me, I was going note to you. You look
very ill.
M. Fo.
Nay, I'll ne'er believe that; I have to shew
to the contrary.
M. Pa.
'Faith, but you do, in my mind.
M. Fo.
Well, I do then; yet, I say, I could shew
you to the contrary: O, mistress Page, give me some
counsel!
M. Pa.
What's the matter, woman?
M. Fo.
O woman, if it were not for one trifling respect,
I could come to such honour!
M. Pa.
Hang the trifle, woman; take the honour:
What is it?—dispence with trifles;—what is it?
M. Fo.
If I would but go to hell for an eternal moment,
or so, I could be knighted.
M. Pa.
What,—thou ly'st?—sir Alice Ford! These
knights will hack;14Q0058 and so thou should'st not alter the
article of thy gentry.
-- 24 --
M. Fo.
We burn daylight: here, &dagger2; read, read; perceive
how I might be knighted.—I shall think the worse
of fat men, as long as I have an eye to make difference
of men's liking: And yet he would not swear; prais'd note
women's modesty; and gave such orderly and well-behaved
reproof to all uncomeliness, that I would have
sworn his disposition would have gone to the truth of
his words: but they do no more adhere, and keep place note
together, than the hundredth psalm note to the tune of Green
sleeves. What tempest, I trow, threw this whale, with so
many tuns of oil in his belly, a-shore at Windsor? How
shall I be reveng'd on him? I think, the best way were
to entertain him with hope, 'till the wicked fire of lust
have melted him in his own grease.—Did you ever hear
the like?
M. Pa.
Letter for letter; but that the name of Page
and Ford differs!—To thy great comfort in this mystery
of ill opinions, here's &dagger2; the twin brother of thy
letter: but let thine inherit first; for, I protest, mine
never shall. I warrant, he hath a thousand of these letters,
writ with blank space for different names, (sure,
more) note and these are of the second edition: He will
print them, out of doubt; for he cares not what he
puts into the press, when he would put us two: I had
rather be a giantess, and lye under mount Pelion. Well,
I will find you twenty lascivious turtles, e'er one chast
man.
M. Fo.
Why, this is the very same, the very hand,
the very words; What doth he think of us?
M. Pa.
Nay, I know not:—It makes me almost ready
to wrangle with mine own honesty: I'll entertain
myself like one that I am not acquainted withal; for,
-- 25 --
sure, unless he know some note strain note in me, that I know not
myself, he would never have boarded me in this fury.
M. Fo.
Boarding, call you it? I'll be sure to keep
him above deck.
M. Pa.
So will I; if he come under my hatches, I'll
never to sea again. Let's be reveng'd on him: let's appoint
him a meeting; give him a show of comfort in
his suit; and lead him on with a fine-baited delay,
'till he hath pawn'd his horses to mine host of the
garter.
M. Fo.
Nay, I will consent to act any villany against
him, that may not sully the chariness of our honesty.
O, that my husband note saw this letter! it would give
eternal food to his jealousy.
M. Pa.
Why, look where he comes; and my good
man too: he's as far from jealousy, as I am from giving
him cause; and that, I hope, is an unmeasurable
distance.
M. Fo.
You are the happier woman.
M. Pa.
Let's consult together against this greasy
knight: Come hither.
[they converse apart.
Enter Ford, Pistol, Page, and Nym.
Ford.
Well, I hope it be not so.
Pist.
Hope is a curtal dog in some affairs:
Sir John affects thy wife.
Ford.
Why, sir, my wife is not young.
Pist.
He wooes both high and low, both rich and poor,
Both young and old, one with another, Ford;
He loves thy gally-mawfry note; Ford, perpend.
Ford.
Love my wife?
Pist.
With liver burning hot: Prevent; or go thou
Like sir Acteon, he, with Ringwood at thy heels:
-- 26 --
O, odious is the name!
Ford.
What name, sir?
Pist.
The horn, I say: Farewel.
Take heed; have open eye; for thieves do foot by night:
Take heed, ere summer comes, or cuckoo birds do sing.—
Away, sir corporal Nym.—
Believe it, Page; he speaks sense.
&clquo;Ford.
&clquo;I will be patient; I will find out this.&crquo;
Nym.
And this is true; [to Page.] I like not the
humour of lying. He hath wronged me in some humours:
I should have born the humour'd letter to her;
but I have a sword, and it shall bite upon my necessity.
He loves your wife; there's the short and the long. My
name is corporal Nym; I speak, and I avouch. 'Tis true:
my name is Nym, and Falstaff loves your wife. Adieu!
I love not the humour of bread and cheese; and there's
the humour of it. note Adieu.
[Exeunt Pistol, and Nym.
Page.
The humour of it,14Q0059 quoth 'a! here's a fellow
frights humour out note of his wits.
&clquo;Ford.
&clquo;I will seek out Falstaff.&crquo;
Page.
I never heard such a drawling, affecting note rogue.
&clquo;Ford.
&clquo;If I do find it,—Well.&crquo;
Page.
I will not believe such a Cataian, though the
priest o'the town commended him for a true man.
&clquo;Ford.
&clquo;'Twas a good sensible fellow:—Well.&crquo;
Page.
How now, Meg?
M. Pa.
Whither go you, George? Hark you.
M. Fo.
How now, sweet Frank? why art thou melancholy?
Ford.
I melancholy! I am not melancholy. Get you
home, go.
M. Fo.
'Faith, thou hast some crotchets in thy head.—
-- 27 --
Now, will you go, mistress Page?
M. Pa.
Have with you.—You'll come to dinner,
George?—&clquo;Look who comes yonder: she shall be our
messenger to this paltry knight.&crquo;
Enter Mistress Quickly.
M. Fo.
&clquo;Trust me, I thought on her: she'll fit it.&crquo;
M. Pa.
You are come to see my daughter Anne?
Quic.
Ay, forsooth; And, I pray, how does good
mistress Anne?
M. Pa.
Go in with us, and see; we have an hour's
talk with you.
[Exeunt Women.
Page.
How now, master Ford?
Ford.
You heard what this knave told me; did you
not?
Page.
Yes; And you heard what the other told me?
Ford.
Do you think there is truth in them?
Page.
Hang 'em, slaves! I do not think the knight
would offer it: but these, that accuse him in his intent
towards our wives, are a yoak of his discarded men;
very rogues, now they be out of service.
Ford.
Were they his men?
Page.
Marry, were they.
Ford.
I like it never the better for that—Does he
lye at the garter?
Page.
Ay, marry, does he. If he should intend this
voyage toward my wife, I would turn her loose to him;
and what he gets more of her than sharp words, let it
lye on my head.
Ford.
I do not misdoubt my wife; but I would be
loth to turn them together: A man may be too confident:
I would have nothing lye on my head: I cannot
be thus satisfy'd.
-- 28 --
Page.
Look where my ranting host of the garter
comes: there is either liquor in his pate, or money in
his purse, when he looks so merrily.—How now, mine
host?
Enter Host, and Shallow.
Host.
How now, bully rook? thou'rt a gentleman:—
Cavalero justice, I say!
Shal.
I follow, mine host, I follow.—Good even,
and twenty, good master Page! Master Page, will you
go with us? we have sport in hand.
Host.
Tell him, cavalero justice; tell him, bully
rook.
Shal.
Sir, there is a fray to be fought, between sir
Hugh the Welch priest and Caius the French doctor.
Ford.
Good mine host o' the garter, a word with
you.
[drawing him aside.
Host.
What say'st thou, my bully rook?
Shal.
Will you [to Page.] go with us to behold it?
My merry host hath had the measuring of their weapons;
and, I think, hath appointed note them contrary places:
for, believe me, I hear the parson is no jester.
Hark, I will tell you what our sport shall be.
[they converse apart.
Host.
Hast thou no suit against my knight, my
guest cavalier?
Ford.
None, I protest: but I'll give you a pottle
of burnt sack, to give me recourse to him, and tell him
my name is Brook note;14Q0060 only for a jest.
Host.
My hand, bully; thou shalt have egress and
regress, (said I well?) and thy name shall be Brook note:
It is a merry knight.—Will you go, mynheers? note note
Shal.
Have with you, mine host.
-- 29 --
Page.
I have heard, the Frenchman hath good skill
in his rapier.
Shal.
Tut, sir, I could have told you more: In
these times you stand on distance, your passes, stoccadoes,
and I know not what; 'tis the heart, master Page,
'tis † here, 'tis here: I have seen the time, with my long
sword, I would have made you four tall fellows skip
like rats.
Host.
Here, boys, here, here! shall we wag?
Page.
Have with you:—I had rather hear them note
scold, than fight.
[Exeunt Host, Page, and Shal.
Ford.
Though Page be a secure fool, and stands so
firmly on his wife's frailty, note yet I cannot put off my
opinion so easily: She was in his company at Page's
house; and, what they made there, I know not. Well,
I will look further into't; and I have a disguise to
sound Falstaff: If I find her honest, I lose not my labour;
if she be otherwise, 'tis labour well bestowed.
[Exit.
SCENE II.
A Room in the garter Inn.
Enter Falstaff, and Pistol.
Fals.
I will not lend thee a penny.
Pist.
Why, then14Q0061 the world's mine oister, which I
with sword will open. note
Fals.
Not a penny. I have been content, sir, you
should lay my countenance to pawn: I have grated
upon my good friends for three reprieves for you and
your coach-fellow Nym; or else you had looked through
the grate, like a geminy of baboons. I am damn'd in
hell, for swearing to gentlemen my friends, you were
good soldiers, and tall fellows: and when mistress
-- 30 --
Bridget lost the handle of her fan, I took't upon mine
honour, thou hadst it not.
Pist.
Didst not thou share? hadst thou not fifteen pence?
Fals.
Reason, you rogue, reason; Think'st thou I'll
endanger my soul gratis? At a word, hang no more
about me, I am no gibbet for you: go, a short knife
and a throng; note to your manor of Pickt-hatch, go. You'll
not bear a letter for me, you rogue! you stand upon
your honour! Why, thou unconfinable baseness, it is
as much as I can do, to keep the terms of note my honour
precise: I, I, I myself sometimes, leaving the fear of
heaven on the left hand, and hiding mine honour in
my necessity, am fain to shuffle, to hedge, and to lurch;
and yet you, rogue, will ensconce your rags, your cat-o'-mountain
looks, your red-lattice phrases, and your
bold-beating oaths, under the shelter of your honour!
you will not do it, you!
Pist.
I do relent; What would'st thou more of man?
Enter Robin.
Rob.
Sir, here's a woman would speak with you.
Fals.
Let her approach.
Enter Mistress Quickly.
Quic.
Give your worship good morrow.
Fals.
Good morrow, good wife.
Quic.
Not so, an't please your worship.
Fals.
Good maid, then.
Quic.
I'll be sworn; as my mother was, the first
hour I was born.
Fals.
I do believe the swearer: What with me?
Quic.
Shall I vouchsafe your worship a word or two?
Fals.
Two thousand, fair woman; and I'll vouchsafe
-- 31 --
thee the hearing.
Quic.
There is one mistress Ford, sir;—I pray, come
a little nearer this ways:—I myself dwell with master
doctor Caius.
Fals.
Well, on: Mistress Ford, you say;—
Quic.
Your worship says very true: I pray your worship,
come a little nearer this ways.
Fals.
I warrant thee, no body hears; mine own
people, mine own people.
Quic.
Are they so? Heaven bless them, and make
them his servants!
Fals.
Well, mistress Ford; What of her?
Quic.
Why, sir, she's a good creature;—Lord, Lord!
your worship's a wanton:—Well, heaven forgive you,
and all of us, I pray!
Fals.
Mistress Ford; come, mistress Ford;—
Quic.
Marry, this is the short and the long of it;
you have brought her into such a canaries, as 'tis wonderful:
the best courtier of them all, when the court
lay at Windsor, could never have brought her to such
a canary: Yet there has been knights, and lords, and
gentlemen, with their coaches; I warrant you, coach
after coach, letter after letter, gift after gift; smelling
so sweetly, (all musk) and so rushling, I warrant you,
in silk and gold; and in such alligant terms; and in
such wine note and sugar of the best and the fairest, that
would have won any woman's heart; and, I warrant
you, they could never get an eye-wink of her:—I had
myself twenty angels given me this morning: but I
defy all angels, (in any such sort, as they say) but in
the way of honesty:—and, I warrant you, they could
never get her so much as sip on a cup with the proudest
-- 32 --
of them all: and yet there has been earls, nay, which
is more, pensioners; but, I warrant you, all is one
with her.
Fals.
But what says she to me? be brief, my good
she Mercury.
Quic.
Marry, she hath receiv'd your letter; for the
which she thanks you a thousand times: and she gives
you to notify, that her husband note will be absence from
his house between ten and eleven.
Fals.
Ten and eleven.
Quic.
Ay, forsooth; and then you may come and
see the picture, she says, that you wot of; master Ford,
her husband, will be from home:—Alas, the sweet
woman leads an ill life with him; he's a very jealousy
man; she leads a very frampold life with him, good
heart.
Fals.
Ten and eleven: Woman, commend me to
her; I will not fail her.
Quic.
Why, you say well: But I have another messenger
to your worship: Mistress Page hath her hearty
commendations to you too;—and let me tell you in
your ear, she's as fartuous a civil modest wife, and one
(I tell you) that will not miss you morning nor evening
prayer, as any is in Windsor, whoe'er be the other:—
and she bad me tell your worship, that her husband is
seldom from home; but, she hopes, there will come a
time. I never knew a woman so doat upon a man;
surely, I think you have charms, la; yes, in truth.
Fals.
Not I, I assure thee; setting the attraction of
my good parts aside, I have no other charms.
Quic.
Blessing on your heart for't!
Fals.
But, I pray thee, tell me this; Has Ford's
-- 33 --
wife, and Page's wife, acquainted each other how they
love me?
Quic.
That were a jest, indeed!—they have not so
little grace, I hope:—that were a trick, indeed! But
mistress Page would desire you to send her your little
page, of all loves; her husband has a marvelous infection
to the little page: And, truly, master Page is
an honest man: never a wife in Windsor leads a better
life than she does; do what she will, say what she will,
take all, pay all, go to bed when she list, rise when she
list, all is as she will; and, truly, she deserves it; for if
there be a kind woman in Windsor, she is one: You must
send her your page; no remedy.
Fals.
Why, I will.
Quic.
Nay, but do so then: and, look you, he may
come and go between you both; and, in any case, have
a nayword, that you may know one another's mind,
and the boy never need to note understand any thing; for
'tis not good that children should know any wickedness:
old folks, you know, have discretion, as they say,
and know the world.
Fals.
Fare thee well: commend me to them both:
there's my &dagger2; purse; I am yet thy debtor.—Boy, go
along with this woman.—This news distracts me.
[Exeunt Quickly, and Robin.
Pist.
This punk note14Q0062 is one of Cupid's carriers:—
Clap on more sails; pursue; up with your fights;
Give fire; she is my prize, or ocean whelm them all!
[Exit Pistol.
Fals.
Say'st thou so, old Jack? go thy ways; I'll
make more of thy old body, than I have done. Will
they yet look after thee? wilt thou, after the expence
-- 34 --
of so much money, be now a gainer? good body, I
thank thee: Let them say, 'tis grosly done; so it be
fairly done, no matter.
Enter Bardolph.
Bard.
Sir John, there's one master Brook below
would fain speak with you, and be acquainted with
you; and hath sent your worship a morning's draught
of sack.
Fals.
Brook is his name?
Bard.
Ay, sir.
Fals.
Call him in; [Exit Bardolph.] Such Brooks
are14Q0063 welcome to me, that o'er-flow note such liquor. Ah, ha,
mistress Ford, and mistress Page, have I encompass'd
you? go to; via!
Re-enter Bardolph, with Ford disguis'd.
Ford.
Bless you, sir.
Fals.
And you, sir: Would you speak with me?
Ford.
I make bold, to press with so little preparation
upon you.
Fals.
You're welcome; What's your will?—Give us
leave, drawer.
[Exit Bardolph.
Ford.
Sir, I am a gentleman that have spent much;
my name is Brook.
Fals.
Good master Brook, I desire more acquaintance
of you.
Ford.
Good sir John, I sue for yours: not to charge
you; for I must let you understand, I think myself in
better plight for a lender than you are: the which hath
something embolden'd me to this unseason'd intrusion;
for they say, if money go before, all ways do lye open.
Fals.
Money is a good soldier, sir, and will on.
Ford.
Troth, and I have a bag of money † here
-- 35 --
troubles me: if you will help to bear it, sir John, take
all, or half, for easing me of the carriage.
Fals.
Sir, I know not how I may deserve to be
your porter.
Ford.
I will tell you, sir, if you will give me the
hearing.
Fals.
Speak, good master Brook; I shall be glad to
be your servant.
Ford.
Sir, I hear you are schollar,—I will be brief
with you;—and you have been a man long known to
me, though I had never so good means, as desire, to
make myself acquainted with you. I shall discover a
thing to you, wherein I must very much lay open mine
own imperfection: but, good sir John, as you have one
eye upon my follies, as you hear them unfolded, turn
another into the register of your own; that I may pass
with a reproof the easier, sith you yourself know, how
easy it is to be such an offender.
Fals.
Very well, sir; proceed.
Ford.
There is a gentlewoman in this town, her
husband's name is Ford.
Fals.
Well, sir.
Ford.
I have long lov'd her, and, I protest to you,
bestowed much on her; follow'd her with a doating
observance; engross'd opportunities to meet her; fee'd
every note slight occasion that could but niggardly give me
sight of her; not only bought many note presents to give
her, but have given largely to many, to know what she
would have given: briefly, I have pursu'd her, as love
hath pursu'd me; which hath been, on the wing of all
occasions: But, whatsoever I have merited, either in
my mind, or in my means, meed, I am sure, I have received
-- 36 --
none; unless experience be a jewel; that I have
purchased at an infinite rate; and that hath taught me
to say this,
Love like a shadow flies, when substance love pursues;
Pursuing that that flies, and flying what pursues.
Fals.
Have you receiv'd no promise of satisfaction
at her hands?
Ford.
Never.
Fals.
Have you impórtun'd her to such a purpose?
Ford.
Never.
Fals.
Of what quality was your love then?
Ford.
Like a fair house, built on another man's
ground; so that I have lost my edifice, by mistaking
the place where I erected it.
Fals.
To what purpose have you unfolded this to me?
Ford.
When I have told you that, I have told you
all. Some say, that, though she appear honest to me,
yet, in other places, she enlargeth her mirth so far, that
there is shrewd construction made of her. Now, sir John,
here is the heart of my purpose; You are a gentleman
of excellent breeding, admirable discourse, of great admittance,
authentic in your place and person, generally
allowed for your many warlike, courtlike, and learned
preparations.
Fals.
O, sir!
Ford.
Believe it, for you know it:—There &dagger2; is
money; spend it, spend it; spend more; spend all I
have; only give me so much of your time in exchange
of it, as to lay an amiable siege to the honesty of this
Ford's wife: use your art of wooing, win her to consent
to you; if any man may, you may as soon as any.
Fals.
Would it apply well to the vehemency of your
-- 37 --
affection, that I should win what you would enjoy?
methinks, you prescribe to yourself very preposterously.
Ford.
O, understand my drift! she dwells so securely
on the excellency of her honour, that the folly of my
soul dares not present itself; she is too bright to be look'd
against: Now, could I come to her with any detection
in my hand, my desires had instance and argument to
commend themselves; I could drive her then from the
ward of her purity, her reputation, her marriage vow,
and a thousand other her defences, which now are too
too strongly embattl'd against me: What say you to't,
sir John?
Fals.
Master Brook, I will first make bold with your
money; [pocketing it.] next, give me your hand; and
last, as I am a gentleman, you shall, if you will, enjoy
Ford's wife.
Ford.
O, good sir!
Fals.
I say, you shall,
Ford.
Want no money, sir John, you shall want none.
Fals.
Want no mistress Ford, master Brook, you shall
want none; I shall be with her (I may tell you) by her
own appointment; even as you came in to me, her assistant,
or go-between, parted from me: I say, I shall be
with her between ten and eleven; for at that time the
jealous rascally knave, her husband, will be forth: Come
you to me at note night; you shall know how I speed.
Ford.
I am blest in your acquaintance. Do you know
Ford, sir?
Fals.
Hang him, poor cuckoldly knave! I know
him not:—yet I wrong him, to call him poor; they
say, the jealous wittolly knave hath masses of money;
for the which, his wife seems to me well-favour'd: I
-- 38 --
will use her as the key of the cuckoldly rogue's note coffer,
and there's my harvest-home.
Ford.
I would you knew Ford, sir; that you might
avoid him, if you saw him.
Fals.
Hang him, mechanical salt-butter rogue! I
will stare him out of his wits; I will awe him with
my cudgel; it shall hang like a meteor o'er the cuckold's
horns: master Brook, thou shalt know, I will
predominate over the peasant, and thou shalt lye with
his wife. Come to me soon at night:—Ford's a knave,
and I will aggravate his stile; thou, master Brook, shalt
know him for knave and cuckold:—come to me soon
at night.
[Exit.
Ford.
What a damn'd Epicurean rascal is this!—
My heart is ready to crack with impatience.—Who
says, this is improvident jealousy? my wife hath sent
to him, the hour is fix'd, the match is made; Would
any man have thought this?—See the hell of having
a false woman! note my bed shall be abus'd, my coffers ransack'd,
my reputation gnawn at; and I shall not only
receive this villanous wrong, but stand under the adoption
of abominable terms, and by him that does me
this wrong. Terms! names!—Amaimon sounds well;
Lucifer, well; Barbason, well; yet they are devils' additions,
the names of fiends: but, cuckold! wittol!
cuckold! the devil himself hath not such a name. Page
is an ass, a secure ass; he will trust his wife, he will
not be jealous: I will rather trust a Fleming with my
butter, parson Hugh the Welchman with my cheese, an
Irishman with my aqua-vitæ bottle, or a thief to walk
my ambling gelding, than my wife with herself: then
she plots, then she ruminates, then she devises; and
-- 39 --
what they think in their hearts they may effect, they
will break their hearts but they will effect. Heaven be
prais'd for my jealousy! Eleven o'clock the hour;—I
will prevent this, detect my wife, be reveng'd on
Falstaff, and laugh at Page: I will about it; better three
hours too soon, than a minute too late. Fie, fie, fie!
cuckold! cuckold! cuckold!
[Exit.
SCENE III.
The Park.
Enter Doctor Caius, and Rugby.
D. Cai.
Jack Rugby,—
Rugb.
Sir.
D. Cai.
Vat is de clock, Jack?
Rugb.
'Tis past the hour, sir, that sir Hugh promis'd
to meet.
D. Cai.
By gar, he has save his soul, dat he is no
come; he has pray his pible vell, dat he is no come:
by gar, Jack Rugby, he is dead already, if he be come.
Rugb.
He is wise, sir; he knew your worship would
kill him, if he came.
D. Cai.
By gar, de herring is no dead, so as I vill
kill him: note Take your rapier, Jack; I vill tell you how
I vill kill him.
Rugb.
Alas, sir, I cannot fence.
D. Cai.
Villany, take your rapier.
Rugb.
Forbear; here's company.
Enter Host, Shallow, Page, and Slender.
Host.
Bless thee, bully doctor.
Shal.
Save you, master doctor Caius.
Page.
Now, good master doctor!
Slen.
Give you good-morrow, sir.
D. Cai.
Vat be all you, one, two, tree, four, come for?
-- 40 --
Host.
To see thee fight, to see thee foign, to see
thee traverse, to see here, note to see thee there; to see thee
pass thy puncto, thy stock, thy reverse, thy distance,
thy montant: Is he dead, my Ethiopian? is he dead,
my Francisco? note ha, bully? What says my Esculapius? my
Galen note? my heart of elder? ha? is he dead, bully stale note?
is he dead?
D. Cai.
By gar, he is de coward jack priest of de
varld; he is not show his face.
Host.
Thou art a Castillian, note note14Q0064 king urinal note; Hector of
Greece, my boy.
D. Cai.
I pray you, bear vitness dat me have stay six
or seven, two, tree hours for him, and he is no come.
Shal.
He is the wiser man, master doctor: he is a
curer of souls, and you a curer of bodies; if you should
fight, you go against the hair of your professions:—Is
it not true, master Page?
Page.
Master Shallow, you have yourself been a
great fighter, though now a man of peace.
Shal.
Bodykins, master Page, though I now be old,
and of the peace, note if I see a sword out, my finger itches
to make one: though we are justices, and doctors,
and churchmen, master Page, we have some salt of our
youth in us; we are the sons of women, master Page.
Page.
'Tis true, master Shallow.
Shal.
It will be found so, master Page.—Master
doctor Caius, I am come to fetch you home; I am sworn
of the peace: you have show'd yourself a wise physician,
and sir Hugh hath shown himself a wise and patient
churchman: you must go with me, master doctor.
Host.
Pardon, guest justice:—A word, mounsieur note
mock-water.
-- 41 --
D. Cai.
Mock-vater! vat is dat?
Host.
Mock-water, in our English tongue, is valour,
bully.
D. Cai.
By gar, den I have as much mock-vater as
de Englishman:—Scurvy, jack-dog, priest! by gar, me
vill cut his note ears.
Host.
He will clapper-claw thee tightly, bully.
D. Cai.
Clapper-de-claw! vat is dat?
Host.
That is, he will make thee amends.
D. Cai.
By gar, me do look he shall clapper-de-claw
me; for, by gar, me vill have it.
Host.
And I will provoke him to't, or let him wag.
D. Cai.
Me tank you for dat.
Host.
And moreover, bully,—&clquo;but first, master
guest, and master Page, and eke cavalero Slender, go
you through the town to Frogmore.&crquo;
Page.
&clquo;Sir Hugh is there, is he?&crquo;
&clquo;Host.
&clquo;He is there: see what humour he is in;
and I will bring the doctor about by the fields:
Will it do well?&crquo;
&clquo;Shal.
&clquo;We will do it.&crquo;—Adieu, good master doctor.
Page. Slen.
Adieu, good master doctor.
[Exeunt Page, Shallow, and Slender.
D. Cai.
By gar, me vill kill de priest; for he speak
for a jackanape to Anne Page.
Host.
Let him dye: Sheath thy impatience; throw
cold water on thy choler: go about the fields with me
through Frogmore, I will bring thee where mistress Anne
Page is, at a farm house a feasting; and thou shalt woo
her, try'd game, note Said I well? note14Q0065
D. Cai.
By gar, me tank you for dat: by gar, I love
you; and I shall procure-a you de good guest, de earl,
-- 42 --
de knight, de lords, de gentlemen, my patients.
Host.
For the which, I will be thy adversary toward
Anne Page; Said I well?
D. Cai.
By gar, 'tis good; vell said.
Host.
Let us wag then.
D. Cai.
Come at my heels, Jack Rugby.
[Exeunt.
ACT III.
SCENE I.
Fields near Frogmore.
Enter Sir Hugh Evans, and Simple.
Sir H.
I pray you now, good master Slender's servingman,
and friend Simple by your name, which way have
you looked for master Caius, that calls himself doctor
of physic?
Simp.
Marry, sir,14Q0066 the city-ward, the park-ward note note, every
way; old Windsor way, and every way but the town way.
Sir H.
I most fehemently desire you, you will also
look note that way.
Simp.
I will, sir.
Sir H.
Pless my soul! how full of cholers I am, and
trempling of mind!—I shall be glad if he have deceiv'd
me:—how melancholies I am?—I will knog his urinals
about his knave's costard, when I have good oportunities note
for the 'ork:—Pless my soul!
To shallow rivers, to whose falls
[singing.
melodious birds sing note madrigals;
there will we make our beds of roses,
and a thousand fragrant posies.
To shallow—
Mercy on me! I have a great dispositions note to cry.
-- 43 --
melodious birds sing madrigals; note—
When as I sat in Pabylon,—
and a thousand vagram posies.
To shallow—
Simp.
Yonder he is coming, this way, sir Hugh.
Sir H.
He's welcome:—
To shallow rivers, to whose falls—
Heaven prosper the right!—What weapons is he?
Simp.
No weapons, sir: There comes my master,
master Shallow, and another gentleman, from Frogmore,
over the stile, this way.
Sir H.
Pray you, give me my gown; or else keep it
in your arms.
Enter Page, Shallow, and Slender.
Shal.
How now, master parson! Good morrow, good
sir Hugh: Keep a gamester from the dice, and a good
student from his book, and it is wonderful.
Slen.
Ah, sweet Anne Page!
Page.
Save you, good sir Hugh!
Sir H.
Pless you from his mercy' sake, all of you!
Shal.
What, the sword and the word! do you study
them both, master parson?
Page.
And youthful still, in your doublet and hose,
this raw rhéumatic day!
Sir H.
There is reasons and causes for it.
Page.
We are come to you, to do a good office,
master parson.
Sir H.
Fery well; What is it?
Page.
Yonder is a most reverend gentleman, who, belike,
having received wrong by some person, is at most odds
with his own gravity, and patience, that ever you saw.
Shal.
I have lived fourscore years, and upward; I
-- 44 --
never heard a man of his place, gravity, and learning,
so wide of his own respect.
Sir H.
What is he?
Page.
I think, you know him; master doctor Caius,
the renowned French physician.
Sir H.
Got's will, and his passion o'my heart! I had
as lief you would tell me of a mess of porridge.
Page.
Why?
Sir H.
He has no more knowledge in Hibocrates,
and Galen,—and he is a knave besides; a cowardly
knave, as you would desires note to be acquainted withal.
Page.
I warrant you, [to Shal.] he's the man should
fight with him.
Slen.
O sweet Anne Page!
Enter Host, Caius, and Rugby.
Shal.
It appears so by his weapons:—Keep them
asunder; here comes doctor Caius.
Page.
Nay, good master parson, keep in your weapon.
Shal.
So do you, good master doctor.
Host.
Disarm them, and let them question; let
them keep their limbs whole, and hack our English.
D. Cai.
I pray you, let-a me speak a vord vit your
ear; Verefore vill you not meet-a me?
Sir H.
Pray you, use your patience in good time.
D. Cai.
By gar, you are de coward, de Jack dog,
John ape.
Sir H.
Pray note you, let us not be laughing-stogs to
other men's humours; I desire you in friendship, and
I will one way or other make you amends:—I will
knog your urinals about your knave's cogs-combs note, for
missing note your meetings and appointments.
D. Cai.
Diable!—Jack Rugby,—mine host de jarteer,
-- 45 --
—have I not stay for him to kill him, have I not, at de
place I did appoint?
Sir H.
As I am a christians' soul now, look you, this
is the place appointed; I'll be judgment by mine host
of the garter.
Host.
Peace, I say, Gallia, and Gaul, note French and
Welch, soul-curer and body-curer.
D. Cai.
Ay, dat is very good! excellent!
Host.
Peace, I say; hear mine host of the garter.
Am I politic? am I subtle? am I a Machiavel? Shall
I lose my doctor? no; he gives me the potions, and
the motions. Shall I lose my parson? my priest? my sir
Hugh? no; he gives me the pro-verbs, and the no-verbs.
—Give me thy hand, terrestrial: so: note—Give me
thy hand, celestial: so:—Boys of art, I have deceiv'd
you both; I have directed you to wrong places: your
hearts are mighty, your skins are whole, and let burn'd
sack be the issue.—Come, lay their swords to pawn:—
Follow me, lad of peace, follow, follow, follow.
Shal.
Trust me, a mad host:—Follow, gentlemen,
follow.
Slen.
O sweet Anne Page!
[Exeunt Host, Page, &c.
D. Cai.
Ha! do I perceive dat? have you make-a de
sot of us? ha, ha!
Sir H.
This is well; he has made us his vlouting-stog:
—I desire you, that we may be friends; and let us
knog our prains together, to be revenge on this same
scal', scurvy, cogging companion, the host of the garter.
D. Cai.
By gar, vit all my heart: he promise to
bring me vere is Anne Page; by gar, he deceive me too.
Sir H.
Well, I will smite his noddles: Pray you,
follow.
[Exeunt.
-- 46 --
SCENE II.
A Street.
Enter Mistress Page, and Robin.
M. Pa.
Nay, keep your way, little gallant; you
were wont to be a follower, but now you are a leader:
Whether had you rather, lead mine eyes, or eye your
master's heels?
Rob.
I had rather, forsooth, go before you like
a man, than follow him like a dwarf.
M. Pa.
O, you are a flattering boy; now, I see,
you'll be a courtier.
Enter Ford.
Ford.
Well met, mistress Page: Whither go you?
M. Pa.
Truly, sir, to see your wife; Is she at home?
Ford.
Ay; and as idle as she may hang together,
for want of company: I think, if your husbands were
dead, you two would marry.
M. Pa.
Besure note of that,—two other husbands.
Ford.
Where had you this pretty weather-cock?
M. Pa.
I cannot tell what the dickens his name is
my husband had him of:—What do you call your
knight's name, sirrah?
Rob.
Sir John Falstaff.
Ford.
Sir John Falstaff!
M. Pa.
He, he; I can never hit on's name! There
is such a league between my good man and he!—Is
your wife at home, indeed?
Ford.
Indeed, she is.
M. Pa.
By your leave, sir; I am sick 'till I see her.
[Exeunt Mistress Page, and Robin.
Ford.
Has Page any brains? hath he any eyes?
hath he any thinking? sure, they sleep; he hath no
-- 47 --
use of them: why, this boy will carry a letter twenty
miles, note as easy as a cannon will shoot point-blank
twelvescore. He pieces out his wife's inclination; he
gives her folly motion, and advantage: and now she's
going to my wife, and Falstaff's boy with her;—A
man may hear this shower sing in the wind!—and Falstaff's
boy with her. Good plots! they are lay'd;
and our revolted wives share damnation together.
Well; I will take him, then torture my wife, pluck
the borrow'd vail of modesty from the so seeming mistress
Page, divulge Page himself for a secure and wilful
Acteon; and to these violent proceedings all my
neighbours shall cry aim.14Q0067 [Clock heard.] The clock
gives me my cue, and my assurance bids me search;
there I shall find Falstaff: I shall be rather prais'd for
this, than mock'd; for it is as positive as the earth is
firm, that Falstaff is there: I will go.
Enter Page, Shallow, Slender, Sir Hugh, Caius, Host, and Rugby.
Shal. Page. &c.
Well met, master Ford.
Ford.
Trust me, a good knot: I have good cheer
at home; and, I pray you all, go with me.
Shal.
I must excuse myself, master Ford.
Slen.
And so must I, sir; we have appointed to
dine with mistress Anne, and I would not break with
her for note more money than I'll speak of.
Shal.
We have linger'd about a match between
Anne Page and my cousin Slender, and this day we
shall have our answer.
Slen.
I hope, I have your good will, father Page?
Page.
You have, master Slender; I stand wholly for
you:—but my wife, master doctor, is for you altogether.
-- 48 --
D. Cai.
Ay, by gar; and de maid is love-a me;
my nursh-a, Quickly, tell me so mush.
Host.
What say you to young master Fenton? he
capers, he dances, he has eyes of youth, he writes verses,
he speaks holiday, he smells April and May: he will
carry't, he will carry't; 'tis in his buttons, he will carry't.
Page.
Not by my consent, I promise you. The
gentleman is of no having: he kept company with the
wild prince, and Pointz; note he is of too high a region, he
knows too much: No, he shall not knit a knot in his
fortunes with the finger of my substance: if he take her, note
let him take her simply; the wealth I have waits on my
consent, and my consent goes not that way.
Ford.
I beseech you heartily, some of you go
home with me to dinner: besides your cheer, you shall
have sport; I will shew you a monster.—Master doctor,
you shall go;—so shall you, master Page;—and you, sir
Hugh.
Shal.
Well, fare you well:—we shall have the
freer wooing at master Page's.
[Exeunt Shallow, and Slender.
D. Cai.
Go home, John Rugby; I come anon.
[Exit Rugby.
Host.
Farewel, my hearts: I will to my honest
knight, Falstaff; and drink canary with him.
[Exit Host.
&clquo;Ford.
&clquo;I think, I shall drink in pipe wine first
with him; I'll make him dance.&crquo; Will you go,
gentles?
all.
Have with you, to see this monster.
[Exeunt.
SCENE III.
A Room in Ford's House.
-- 49 --
Enter Mistress Ford, and Mistress Page.
M. Fo.
What, John! what, Robert!
M. Pa.
Quickly, quickly;—Is the buck-basket—
M. Fo.
I warrant:—What, Robin, I say!
Enter Servants, with a Basket.
M. Pa.
Come, come, come.
M. Fo.
Here, set it down.
M. Pa.
Give your men the charge; we must be brief note.
M. Fo.
Marry, as I told you before, John, and
Robert, be ready here hard-by in the brew-house; and,
when I suddenly call you, come forth, and (without any
pause, or staggering) take this basket on your shoulders:
that done, trudge with it in all haste, and carry it among
the whitsters in Datchet mead; and there empty it in
the muddy ditch, close by the Thames' side.
M. Pa.
You will do it?
M. Fo.
I have told them over and over; they lack
no direction:—Begone; note and come when you are call'd.
M. Pa.
Here comes little Robin.
[Exeunt Servants.
Enter Robin.
M. Fo.
How now, my eyas-musket? what news with
you?
Rob.
My master sir John is come in at your back
door, mistress Ford; and requests your company.
M. Pa.
You little jack-a-lent, have you been true
to us?
Rob.
Ay, I'll be sworn: My master knows not of
your being here: and hath threaten'd to put me into
everlasting liberty, if I tell you of it; for, he swears,
he'll turn me away.
M. Pa.
Thou'rt a good boy: this secrecy of thine
shall be a taylor to thee, and shall make thee a new
-- 50 --
doublet, and hose.—I'll go hide me.
M. Fo.
Do so:—Go, tell thy master, I am alone.
[Exit Rob.]
Mistress Page, remember you your cue.
M. Pa.
I warrant thee; if I do not act it, hiss me.
[Exit Mistress Page.
M. Fo.
Go too then note;—We'll use this unwholesome
humidity, this gross watry pumpion; we'll teach
him to know turtles from jays.
Enter Falstaff.
Fals.
Have I caught thee, my heavenly jewel? Why,
now let me dye, for I have liv'd long enough; this is
the period of my ambition: note O this blessed hour!
M. Fo.
O sweet sir John!
Fals.
Mistress Ford, I cannot cog, I cannot prate,
mistress Ford note. Now shall I sin in my wish: I would, thy
husband were dead; I'll speak it before the best lord, I
would make thee my lady.
M. Fo.
I your lady, sir John! alas, I should be a
pitiful lady.
Fals.
Let the court of France shew me such another.
I see how thine eye would emulate the diamond: Thou
hast the right arched beauty of the brow;14Q0068 that becomes
the ship-tire, the tire-valiant, or any tire of Venetian
admittance.
M. Fo.
A plain kerchief, sir John: my brows become
nothing else; nor that well neither.
Fals.
Thou art a traitor to note say so: thou would'st
make an absolute courtier; and the firm fixture of note thy
foot would give an excellent motion to thy gait, in a
semi-circl'd farthingale. I see what thou wert, if fortune
thy foe were not; nature is thy friend: Come note thou
canst not hide it.
-- 51 --
M. Fo.
Believe me, there's no such thing in me.
Fals.
What made me love thee? let that persuade
thee, there's something extraordinary in thee. Come,
I cannot cog, and say, thou art this and that, like a
many of these lisping hawthorn-buds, that come like
women in men's apparel, and smell like Bucklers-bury
in simple time; note I cannot: but I love thee; none but thee;
and thou deserv'st it.
M. Fo.
Do not betray me, sir; I fear, you love mistress Page.
Fals.
Thou might'st as well say, I love to walk
by the counter gate; which is as hateful to me as the
reek of a lime kiln.
M. Fo.
Well, heaven knows how I love you; and
you shall one day find it.
Fals.
Keep in that mind; I'll deserve it.
M. Fo.
Nay, I must tell you, so you do; or else I
could not be in that mind.
Re-enter Robin.
Rob.
Mistress Ford, mistress Ford! here's mistress
Page at the door, sweating, and note blowing, and looking
wildly, and would needs speak with you presently.
Fals.
She shall not see me; I will ensconce me behind
the arras.
[stepping behind it.
M. Fo.
Pray you, do so; she's a very tatling woman.—
Enter Mistress Page.
What's the matter? how now?
M. Pa.
O mistress Ford, what have you done? you're
sham'd, you're overthrown, you're undone for ever.
M. Fo.
What's the matter, good mistress Page?
M. Pa.
O, wel-a-day, mistress Ford! having an honest
man to your husband, to give him such cause of
suspicion!
-- 52 --
M. Fo.
What cause of suspicion?
M. Pa.
What cause of suspicion? Out upon you!
how am I mistook in you?
M. Fo.
Why, alas, what's the matter?
M. Pa.
Your husband's coming hither, woman, with
all the officers in Windsor, to search for a gentleman,
that, he says, is here now in the house, by your consent,
to take an ill advantage of his absence: you are undone.
M. Fo.
'Tis not so, note I hope.
M. Pa.
Pray heaven it be not so, that you have such
a man here; but 'tis most certain, your husband's coming,
with half Windsor at his heels, to search for such a
one. I come before, to tell you: If you know yourself
clear, why, I am glad of it: but if you have a friend
here, convey, convey him out. Be not amaz'd; call all
your senses to you; defend your reputation, or bid farewel
to your good life for ever.
M. Fo.
What shall I do?—There is a gentleman,
my dear friend; and I fear not mine own shame, so much
as his peril: I had rather than a thousand pound, he
were out of the house.
M. Pa.
For shame! never stand you had rather, note and
you had rather; your husband's here at hand, bethink
you of some conveyance: in the house you cannot hide
him:—O, how have you deceiv'd me!—Look, here is
a basket; if he be of any reasonable stature, he may
creep in here; and throw foul linnen upon him, as if
it were going to bucking: Or, it is whiting time, send
him by your two men to Datchet mead.
M. Fo.
He's too big to go in there: What shall I do?
Fals. [starting from his Concealment.] Let me see't,
let me see't, o, let me see't! I'll in, I'll in; follow your
-- 53 --
friend's counsel; I'll in.
M. Pa.
What; sir John Falstaff!—Are these your
letters, knight?
Fals.
I love thee; help me away: Let me creep in
here: I'll never—
[goes into the Basket, Women cover him.
M. Pa.
Help to cover your master, boy:—Call your
men, mistress Ford:—You dissembling knight!
M. Fo.
What, John, Robert, John! note—[Re-enter Servants.]
Go, take up these cloaths here, quickly; Where's
the cowl-staff? look, how you drumble: carry them to
the landress in Datchet mead; quickly, come.
Enter Ford, Page, Caius, and Sir Hugh Evans.
Ford.
Pray you, come near: if I suspect without
cause, why then make sport at me, then let me be your
jest, I deserve it.—How now? whither bear you this?
Serv.
To the landress, forsooth.
M. Fo.
Why, what have you to do whither they
bear it? you were best meddle with buck-washing.
Ford.
Buck? I would, I could wash myself of the
buck! Buck, buck, buck? Ay, buck; I warrant you,
buck: and of the season too; it shall appear.—Gentlemen,
[Exeunt Servants, with the Basket.] I have
dream'd to-night: I'll tell you my dream:—Here,
here, &dagger2; here be my keys: ascend my chambers, search,
seek, find out; I'll warrant, we'll unkennel the fox:—
Let me stop this way first:—[locking the Door] So, now
uncape. note
Page.
Good master Ford, be contented: you wrong
yourself too much.
Ford.
True, master Page—Up, gentlemen; you shall
see sport anon: follow me, gentlemen.
[Exit Ford.
-- 54 --
Sir H.
This is fery fantastical humours, and jealousies.
D. Cai.
By gar, 'tis no de fashion of France: it is not
jealous in France.
Page.
Nay, follow him, gentlemen; see the issue
of his search.
[Exeunt Sir Hugh, Page and Caius.
M. Pa.
Is there not a double excellency in this?
M. Fo.
I know not which pleases me better, that
my husband is deceived, note or sir John.
M. Pa.
What a taking was he in, when your husband
ask'd who was in the basket?14Q0069
M. Fo.
I am half afraid, he will have need of washing;
so throwing him into the water will do him a benefit.
M. Pa.
Hang him, dishonest rascal! I would, all of
the same strain were in the same distress.
M. Fo.
I think, my husband hath some special suspicion
of Falstaff's being here; for I never saw him so
gross in his jealousy 'till now.
M. Pa.
I will lay a plot to try that: And we will
yet have more tricks with Falstaff; his dissolute disease
will scarce obey this medicine.
M. Fo.
Shall we send that foolish carrion, note mistress
Quickly, to him, and excuse his throwing into the water;
and give him another hope, to betray him to another
punishment?
M. Pa.
We will do it; let him be sent for to-morrow
eight note o'clock, to have amends.
Re-enter Ford, Page, Caius, and Sir Hugh.
Ford.
I cannot find him: may be, the knave brag'd
of that he could not compass.
&clquo;M. Pa.
&clquo;Heard you that?&crquo;
[To M. Ford.
-- 55 --
M. Fo.
You use me well, master Ford? do you?
Ford.
Ay, I do so.
M. Fo.
Heaven note make you better than your thoughts!
Ford.
Amen.
M. Pa.
You do yourself mighty wrong, master Ford.
Ford.
Ay, ay; I must bear it.
Sir H.
If there be any pody in the house, and in
the chambers, and in the coffers, and in the presses,
heaven forgive my sins at the day of judgment! note
D. Cai.
By gar, nor I too; dere is no bodies.
Page.
Fie, fie, master Ford! are you not asham'd?
what spirit, what devil, suggests this imagination? I
would not have your distemper in this kind, for the
wealth of Windsor castle.
Ford.
'Tis my fault, master Page; I suffer for it.
Sir H.
You suffer for a pad conscience: your wife is
as honest a'omans as I will desires among five thousand,
and five hundred too.
D. Cai.
By gar, I see 'tis an honest 'oman.
Ford.
Well; I promis'd you a dinner:—Come,
come, walk in the park: I pray you, pardon me; I
will hereafter make known to you why I have done
this.—Come, wife;—come, mistress Page;—I pray you,
pardon me; pray heartily, pardon me.
Page.
Let's go in, gentlemen; but, trust me, we'll
mock him. I do invite you to-morrow morning to my
house to breakfast; after, we'll a birding together; I have
a fine hawk for the bush: Shall it be so?
Ford.
Any thing.
Sir H.
If there is one, I shall make two in the company.
D. Cai.
If dere be one or two, I shall make-a de turd. note
Ford.
Pray you, go, master Page.
-- 56 --
Sir H.
I pray you now, remembrance to-morrow
on the lousy knave mine host.
D. Cai.
Dat is good; by gar, vit all my heart.
Sir H.
A lousy knave; to have his gibes, and his
mockeries:
[Exeunt.
SCENE IV.
A Room in Page's House.
Enter Fenton, and Mistress Anne Page.
Fent.
I see, I cannot get thy father's love;
Therefore no more turn me to him, sweet Nan.
Anne.
Alas, how then?
Fent.
Why, thou must be thyself.
He doth object, I am too great of birth;
And that, my 'state being gall'd with my expence,
I seek to heal it only by his wealth:
Besides these, other bars he lays before me,—
My riots past, my wild societies;
And tells me, 'tis a thing impossible
I should love thee, but as a property.
Anne.
May be, he tells you true.
Fent.
No, Heaven so speed me in the time note to come!
Albeit, I will confess, thy father's wealth
Was the first motive that I woo'd thee, Anne:
Yet, wooing thee, I found thee of more value
Than stamps in gold, or sums in sealed bags;
And 'tis the very riches of thyself
That now I aim at.
Anne.
Gentle master Fenton,
Yet seek my father's love; still seek it, sir:
If opportunity,14Q0070 and humblest suit,
Cannot attain it, why then,—Hark you hither.
[they converse apart.
-- 57 --
Enter Shallow, Slender, and Mistress Quickly.
Shal.
Break their talk, mistress Quickly; my kinsman
shall speak for himself.
Slen.
I'll make a shaft or a bolt on't:'s-lid, 'tis but venturing.
Shal.
Be not dismay'd.
Slen.
No, she shall not dismay me: I care not for
that,—but that I am afeard.
Quic.
Hark ye; master Slender would speak a word
with you.
Anne.
I come to him.—&clquo;This is my father's choice:
O, what a world of vile ill-favour'd faults
Look note handsome in three hundred pounds a year!&crquo;
Quic.
And how does good master Fenton? Pray
you, a word with you.
[drawing him aside.
Shal.
She's coming; to her, coz. O boy, thou
hadst a father!
Slen.
I had a father, mistress Anne;—my uncle
can tell you good jests of him:—Pray you, uncle, tell
mistress Anne the jest, how my father stole two geese
out of a pen, good uncle.
Shal.
Mistress Anne, my cousin loves you.
Slen.
Ay, that I do; as well as I love any woman
in Glocestershire.
Shal.
He will maintain you like a gentlewoman.
Slen.
Ay, that I will, come cut and long tail, under
the degree of a 'squire.
Shal.
He will make you a hundred and fifty pounds
jointure.
Anne.
Good master Shallow, let him woo for himself.
Shal.
Marry, I thank you for it; I thank you for
that good comfort.—She calls you, coz: I'll leave you.
-- 58 --
Anne.
Now, master Slender.
Slen.
Now, good mistress Anne.
Anne.
What is your will?
Slen.
My will? 'od's heartlings, that's a pretty
jest, indeed! I ne'er made my will yet, I thank heaven;
I am not such a sickly creature, I give heaven praise.
Anne.
I mean, master Slender, what would you
with me?
Slen.
Truly, for mine own part, I would little or
nothing with you: Your father, and my uncle note, hath
made motions: if it be my luck, so; if not, happy man
be his dole: They can tell you how things go, better
than I can: You may ask your note father; here he comes.
Enter Page, and Mistress Page.
Page.
Now, master Slender;—Love him, daughter Anne:—
Why, how now! what does master Fenton here?
You wrong me, sir, thus still to haunt my house:
I told you, sir, my daughter is dispos'd of.
Fent.
Nay, master Page, be not impatient.
M. Pa.
Good master Fenton, come not to my child.
Page.
She is no match for you.
Fent.
Sir, will you hear me?
Page.
No, good master Fenton.—
Come, master Shallow;—come, son Slender;—in:—
Knowing my mind note, you wrong me, master Fenton.
[Exeunt Page, Shallow, and Slender.
Quic.
Speak to mistress Page.
Fent.
Good mistress Page, for that I love your daughter
In such a righteous fashion as I do,
Perforce, against all checks, rebukes, and manners,
-- 59 --
I must advance the colours of my note love,
And not retire: Let me have your good will.
Anne.
Good mother, do not marry me to yon' fool.
M. Pa.
I mean it not; I seek you a better husband.
Quic.
That's my master, master doctor.
Anne.
Alas, I had rather be set quick i' the earth,
And bowl'd to death with turnips.
M. Pa.
Come, trouble not yourself:—Good master Fenton,
I will not be your friend, nor enemy:
My daughter will I question how she loves you,
And as I find her, so am I affected;
'Till then, farewel, sir: She must needs go in;
Her father will be angry.
Fent.
Farewel, my gentle mistress; farewel, Nan.
[Exeunt Mistress Page, and Anne.
Quic.
This is my doing now;—Nay, said I, will
you cast away your child on a fool, and a note physician?
look on master Fenton:—this is my doing.
Fent.
I thank thee; and, I pray thee, once to-night
Give my sweet Nan this &dagger2; ring: There's &dagger2; for thy pains.
[Exit Fenton.
Quic.
Now heaven send thee good fortune!—A kind
heart he hath: a woman would run through fire and
water for such a kind heart. But yet, I would my master
had mistress Anne; or I would master Slender had her;
or, in sooth, I would master Fenton had her: I will do
what I can for them all three; for so I have promis'd,
and I'll be as good as my word; but 'speciously for master
Fenton. Well, I must of another errand to sir John Falstaff
from my two mistresses; What a beast am I to slack
it?
[Exit.
-- 60 --
SCENE V.
A Room in the garter Inn.
Enter Falstaff and Bardolph.
Fals.
Bardolph, I say,—
Bard.
Here, sir.
Fals.
Go, fetch me a quart of sack; put a toast in't.
[Exit Bard.] Have I liv'd to be carry'd in a basket, like
a barrow of butcher's offal; and to be thrown in the
Thames? Well; if I be serv'd such another trick, I'll
have my brains ta'en out, and butter'd, and give them note
to a dog for a new-year's gift. The rogues slighted me
into the river with as little remorse as they would have
drown'd a bitch's blind note puppies, fifteen i'the litter: and
you may know, by my size, that I have a kind of alacrity
in sinking; if the bottom were as deep as hell, I should
down. I had been drown'd, but that the shore was shelvy
and shallow; a death that I abhor; for the water swells
a man; And what a thing should I have been, when I
had been swell'd! I should have been a mountain of
mummy. note14Q0071
Re-enter Bardolph, with the Wine.
Bard.
Here's mistress Quickly, sir, to speak with you.
Fals.
Come, let me pour in some sack to the
Thames' water; for my belly's as cold, as if I had swallow'd
snow-balls for pills to cool the reins—Call her in.
Bard.
Come in, woman.
Enter Mistress Quickly.
Quic.
By your leave;—I cry you mercy:—Give
your worship good morrow.
Fals.
Take away these challices: Go, brew me a
pottle of sack finely.
Bard.
With eggs, sir?
-- 61 --
Fals.
Simple of itself; I'll no pullet-sperm in my
brewage.—[Exit Bard.] How now?
Quic.
Marry, sir, I come to your worship from
mistress Ford.
Fals.
Mistress Ford! I have had ford enough: I was
thrown into the ford; I have my belly full of ford.
Quic.
Alas the day! good heart, that was not her
fault: she does so take on with her men; they mistook
their erection.
Fals.
So did I mine, to build upon a foolish woman's
promise.
Quic.
Well, she laments, sir, for it, that it would
yearn your heart to see it. Her husband goes this morning
a birding; she desires you once more to come to her,
between eight and nine: I must carry her word quickly:
she'll make you amends, I warrant you.
Fals.
Well, I will visit her: Tell her so; and bid
her think what a man is: let her consider his frailty, and
then judge of my merit.
Quic.
I will tell her.
Fals.
Do so. Between nine and ten, say'st thou?
Quic.
Eight and nine, sir.
Fals.
Well, be gone: I will not miss her.
Quic.
Peace be with you, sir!
[Exit.
Fals.
I marvel, I hear not of master Brook; he sent
me word, to stay within: I like his money well. O, here
he comes.
Enter Ford.
Ford.
Bless you, sir!
Fals.
Now, master Brook? you come to know what
hath past between me and Ford's wife?
Ford.
That, indeed, sir John, is my business.
-- 62 --
Fals.
Master Brook, I will not lye to you; I was at
her house the hour she appointed me.
Ford.
And sped you, sir?
Fals.
Very ill-favour'dly, master Brook.
Ford.
How so, sir? Did she change her determination?
Fals.
No, master Brook: but the peaking cornuto
her husband, master Brook, dwelling in a continual 'larum
of jealousy, comes me in the instant of our encounter,
after we had embrac'd, kiss'd, protested, and (as it were)
spoke the prologue of our comedy; and at his heels a
rabble of his companions, thither provoked and instigated
by his distemper, and (forsooth) to search his house
for his wife's love.
Ford.
What, while you were there?
Fals.
While I was there.
Ford.
And did he search for you, and could not
find you?
Fals.
You shall hear. As good luck would have
it, comes in one mistress Page; gives intelligence of
Ford's approach; and, in her invention, and Ford's
wife's distraction, they convey'd me into a buck-basket.
Ford.
A buck-basket!
Fals.
Yes, a note buck-basket: ram'd me in with foul
shirts and smocks, socks, foul stockings, greasy napkins;
that, master Brook, there was the rankest compound of
villanous smell note, that ever offended nostril.
Ford.
And how long lay you there?
Fals.
Nay, you shall hear master Brook, what I
have suffer'd to bring this woman to evil for your good.
Being thus cram'd in the basket, a couple of Ford's
knaves, his hinds, were call'd forth by their mistress,
-- 63 --
to carry me in the name of foul cloaths to Datchet lane:
they took me on their shoulders; met the jealous knave
their master in the door; who asked them once or twice,
what they had in their basket: I quak'd for fear lest
the lunatic knave would have search'd it; but fate, ordaining
he should be a cuckold, held his hand. Well;
on went he for a search, and away went I for foul
cloaths. But mark the sequel, master Brook: I suffer'd
the pangs of three several deaths: note first, an intolerable
fright, to be detected by a note jealous rotten bell-weather:
next, to be compass'd, like a good bilbo, in the circumference
of a peck, hilt to point, heel to head: and
then, to be stop'd in, like a strong distillation, with
stinking cloaths that fretted in their own grease; think
of that,—a man of my kidney—think of that; that
am as subject to heat, as butter; a man of continual
dissolution and thaw; it was a miracle, to 'scape suffocation.
And in the height of this bath, when I was
more than half stew'd in grease note, like a Dutch dish, to be
thrown into the Thames, and cool'd, glowing hot, in
that surge note, like a horse-shoe; think of that,—hissing
hot—think of that, master Brook.
Ford.
In good sadness, sir, I am sorry that for my
sake you have suffer'd all this. My suit then is desperate;
you'll undertake her no more?
Fals.
Master Brook, I will be thrown into Etna, as
I have been into Thames, ere I will leave her thus. Her
husband is this morning gone a birding: I have received
from her another embassy of meeting; 'twixt eight and
nine is the hour, master Brook.
Ford.
'Tis past eight already, sir.
Fals.
Is it? I will then address me to my appointment.
-- 64 --
Come to me at your convenient leisure, and you
shall know how I speed; and the conclusion shall be
crowned with your enjoying her: Adieu. You shall
have her, master Brook; master Brook, you shall cuckold
Ford.
[Exit Falstaff.
Ford.
Hum! ha! is this a vision? is this a dream?
do I sleep? master Ford, awake; awake, master Ford;
there's a hole made in your best coat, master Ford. This
'tis to be marry'd! this 'tis to have linnen, and buck-baskets!
Well, I will proclaim myself what I am: I
will now take the letcher; he is at my house: he cannot
'scape me, 'tis impossible he should; he cannot creep
into a half-penny purse, nor into a pepper-box: but, lest
the devil that guides him should aid him, I will search
impossible places: Though what I am I cannot avoid,
yet to be what I would not shall not make me tame: if
I have horns to make one mad, let the proverb go with
me, I'll be horn-mad.
[Exit.
ACT IV.
SCENE I.
A Street.
Enter Mistress Page,14Q0072 Mistress Quickly, and William.
M. Pa.
Is he at mistress Ford's already, think'st thou?
Quic.
Sure, he is by this; or will be presently: but,
truly, he is very courageous mad, about his throwing
into the water. Mistress Ford desires you to come suddenly.
M. Pa.
I'll be with her by and by; I'll but bring
my young man here to school: Look, where his master
-- 65 --
comes; 'tis a playing-day, I see:—
Enter Sir Hugh Evans.
How now, sir Hugh? no school to-day?
Sir H.
No; master Slender is let the boys leave to
play.
Quic.
Blessing of his heart!
M. Pa.
Sir Hugh, my husband says, my son profits
nothing in the world at his book; I pray you, ask him
some questions in his accidence.
Sir H.
Come hither, William; hold up your head;
come.
M. Pa.
Come on, sirrah; hold up your head; answer
your master, be not afraid.
Sir H.
William, how many numbers is in nouns?
Will.
Two.
Quic.
Truly, I thought there had been one number
more; because they say, od's-nouns.
Sir H.
Peace your tattlings.—What is, fair, William?
Will.
Pulcher.
Quic.
Poulcats! there are fairer things than poulcats,
sure.
Sir H.
You are a very simplicity 'oman; I pray
you, peace.—What is, lapis, William?
Will.
A stone.
Sir H.
And what is a stone, William?
Will.
A pebble, note
Sir H.
No, it is lapis; I pray you, remember in
your prain.
Will.
Lapis.
Sir H.
That is a good William: What is he, William,
that does lend articles?
-- 66 --
Will.
Articles are borrowed of the pronoun; and
be thus declined, Singulariter nominativo, hic, hæc, hoc.
Sir H.
Nominativo, hig, hag, hog;—Pray you, mark:
genitivo, hujus: Well, what is your accusative case?
Will.
Accusativo, hinc.
Sir H.
I pray you, have your remembrance, child;
Accusativo, hing, hang, hog.
Quic.
Hang-hog is Latin note for bacon, I warrant you.
Sir H.
Leave your prabbles, 'oman.—What is the
focative case, William?
Will.
O—vocativo, o.
Sir H.
Remember, William; focative is, caret.
Quic.
And that's a good root.
Sir H.
'Oman, forbear.
M. Pa.
Peace.
Sir H.
What is your genitive case plural, William?
Will.
Genitive case?
Sir H.
Ay.
Will.
Genitive—horum, harum, horum.
Quic.
Vengeance of Jenny's case! fie on her!—never
name her, child, if she be a whore.
Sir H.
For shame, 'oman.
Quic.
You do ill to teach the child such words:—
he teaches him to hic, and to hac, which they'll do fast
enough of themselves; and to call, horum;—Fie upon
you!
Sir H.
'Oman, art thou lunaticks? note hast thou no
understandings for thy cases, and the numbers of the
genders? thou art as foolish christian creatures, as I
would desires.
M. Pa.
Pr'ythee, hold thy peace.
Sir H.
Shew me now, William, some declensions of
-- 67 --
your pronouns.
Will.
Forsooth, I have forgot.
Sir H.
It is, qui, quæ, quod: if you forget your
qui's, your quæ's, and your quod's, you must be preeches.
Go your ways, and play; go.
M. Pa.
He is a better scholar, than I thought he was.
Sir H.
He is a good sprag memory. Farewel, mistress
Page.
M. Pa.
Adieu, good sir Hugh.—Get you home, boy.
—Come, we stay too long.
[Exeunt.
SCENE II.
A Room in Ford's House.
Enter Falstaff, and Mistress Ford.
Fals.
Mistress Ford, your sorrow hath eaten up
my sufferance: I see, you are obsequious in your love,
and I profess requital to a hair's breadth; not only, mistress
Ford, in the simple office of love, but in all the
accoutrement, complement, and ceremony of it. But
are you sure of your husband now?
M. Fo.
He's a birding, sweet sir John.
M. Pa. [within.]
What hoa, gossip Ford! what hoa!
M. Fo.
Step into the chamber, sir John.
[Exit Falstaff.
Enter Mistress Page.
M. Pa.
How now, sweet heart? who's at home besides
yourself?
M. Fo.
Why, none but mine own people.
M. Pa.
Indeed?
M. Fo.
No, certainly: &clquo;Speak louder.&crquo;
M. Pa.
Truly, I am so glad you have no body here:
M. Fo.
Why?
M. Pa.
Why, woman, your husband is in his old
-- 68 --
lunes note again: he so takes on yonder with my husband;
so rails against all marry'd mankind; so curses all Eve's
daughters, of what complexion soever; and so buffets
himself on the forehead, crying Peer out, peer out; that
any madness, I ever yet beheld, seem'd but tameness,
civility, and patience, to this his distemper he is in
now: I am glad, the fat knight is not here.
M. Fo.
Why, does he talk of him?
M. Pa.
Of none but him; and swears he was carry'd
out, the last time he search'd for him, in a basket:
protests to my husband, he is now here; and hath
drawn him and the rest of their company from their
sport, to make another experiment of his suspicion:
But I am glad, the knight is not here; now he shall see
his own foolery.
M. Fo.
How near is he, mistress Page?
M. Pa.
Hard by; at street end; note he will be here anon.
M. Fo.
I am undone!—the knight is here.
M. Pa.
Why, then you are utterly sham'd, and he's
but a dead man. What a woman are you! Away with
him, away with him; Better shame than murther.
M. Fo.
Why, which way should he go? how should
I bestow him? Shall I put him into the basket again?
Re-enter Falstaff.
Fals.
No, I'll come no more i' th' basket:—May
I not go out ere he come?
M. Pa.
Alas, three of master Ford's brothers watch
the door with pistols, that none shall issue out; otherwise,
you might slip away ere he came: But what make
you here?
Fals.
What shall I do?—I'll creep up into the chimney.
-- 69 --
M. Fo.
There they always use to discharge their
birding pieces: note Creep into the kiln-hole.
Fals.
Where is it?
M. Fo.
He will seek there, on my word: neither
press, coffer, chest, trunk, well, vault, but he hath an
abstract for the remembrance of such places, and goes
to them by his note: There is no hiding you in the
house.
Fals.
I'll go out then.
M. Fo.
If you go out14Q0073 in your own semblance, you
dye, sir John; unless you go out disguis'd,—How might note
we disguise him?
M. Pa.
Alas the day, I know not: there is no woman's
gown big enough for him; otherwise, he might
put on a hat, a muffler, and a kerchief, note and so escape.
Fals.
Good hearts, devise something: any extremity,
rather than a mischief.
M. Fo.
My maid's aunt, the fat woman of Brentford,
has a gown above.
M. Pa.
On my word, it will serve him; she's as
big as he is: and there's her thrumb hat, and her muffler
too;—Run up, sir John.
M. Fo.
Go, go, sweet sir John: mistress Page, and
I, will look some linnen for your head.
M. Pa.
Quick, quick; we'll come dress you straight:
put on the gown the while.
[Exit Falstaff.
M. Fo.
I would, my husband would meet him in
this shape: he cannot abide the old woman of Brentford;
he swears, she's a witch; forbad her my house, and hath
threaten'd to beat her.
M. Pa.
Heaven guide him to thy husband's cudgel;
and the devil guide his cudgel afterwards!
-- 70 --
M. Fo.
But is my husband coming?
M. Pa.
Ay, in good sadness, is he; and talks of the
basket too, howsoever he hath had intelligence.
M. Fo.
We'll try that; for I'll appoint my men to
carry the basket again, to meet him at the door with
it, as they did last time.
M. Pa.
Nay, but he'll be here presently: let's go
dress him like the witch of Brentford.
M. Fo.
I'll first direct my men, what they shall do
with the basket:—Go up; I'll bring linnen for him
straight.
[Exit.
M. Pa.
Hang him dishonest varlet! we cannot misuse
him note note enough.
We'll leave a proof, by that which we will do,
Wives may be merry, and yet honest too:
We do not act, that often jest and laugh;
'Tis old, but true, Still swine eats all the draff.
[Exit.
Re-enter Mistress Ford, with her two Men.
M. Fo.
Go, sirs, take the basket again on your shoulders;
your master is hard at door; if he bid you set it
down, obey him: quickly, dispatch.
[Exit.
1. Ser.
Come, come, take it up.
2. Ser.
Pray heaven, it be not full of the note note knight
again!
1. Ser.
I hope not; I had as lief note bear so much lead.
Enter Ford, Page, Shallow, and Sir Hugh Evans.
Ford.
Ay, but if it prove true, master Page, have
you any way then to unfool me again?—Set down the
basket, villain:—Somebody call my wife:—Youth in
a basket!—O, you panderly rascals!—there's a knot, a
gang note, a pack, a conspiracy against me:—Now shall the
-- 71 --
devil be sham'd note:—What, wife, I say! come, come forth;
behold what honest cloaths you send forth to bleaching.
Page.
Why, this passes!—Master Ford, you are not
to go loose any longer; you must be pinion'd.
Sir H.
Why, this is lunaticks! this is mad as a
mad dog!
Shal.
Indeed, master Ford, this is not well; indeed.
Enter Mistress Ford.
Ford.
So say I too, sir.—Come hither, mistress Ford;
mistress Ford, the honest woman, the modest wife, the
virtuous creature, that hath the jealous fool to her husband!
I suspect without cause, mistress; do I?
M. Fo.
Heaven be my witness, you do, if you suspect
me in any dishonesty.
Ford.
Well said, brazen-face; hold it out:—Come
forth, sirrah.
[pulling out the Cloaths.
Page.
This passes!
M. Fo.
Are you not asham'd? let the cloaths alone.
Ford.
I shall find you anon.
Sir H.
'Tis unreasonable!—Will you take up your
wife's cloaths? come away.
Ford.
Empty the basket, I say.
M. Fo.
Why, man, why—
Ford.
Master Page, as I am a man, there was one
convey'd out of my house yesterday in this basket; Why
may not he be there again? In my house, I am sure,
he is: my intelligence is true; my jealousy is reasonable;
—Pluck me out all the linnen.
M. Fo.
If you find a man there, he shall dye a
flea's death.
Page.
Here's no man.
-- 72 --
Shal.
By my fidelity, this is not well, master Ford;
this wrongs you.
Sir H.
Master Ford, you must pray, and not follow
the imaginations of your own heart: this is jealousies.
Ford.
Well, he's not here I seek for.
Page.
No, nor no where else but in your brain.
Ford.
Help to search my house this one time: if
I find not what I seek, shew no colour for my extremity;
let me for ever be your table-sport; let them say
of me, As jealous as Ford, that search'd a hollow walnut
for his wife's leman: Satisfy me once more; once
more search with me.
M. Fo.
What ho, mistress Page! come you, and the
old woman, down; my husband will come into the
chamber.
Ford.
Old woman! what old woman's that?
M. Fo.
Why, it is my maid's aunt of Brentford.
Ford.
A witch, a quean, an old cozening quean!—
Have I not forbid her my house? She comes of errands,
does she? We are simple men&dotup; we do not know
what's brought to pass under the profession of fortune-telling&dotup;
She works by charms, by spells, by the figure,
and such dawbery as this is; beyond our element&dotup; we
know nothing&dotup;—Come down, you witch, you hag you;
come down, I say.
M. Fo.
Nay, good sweet husband;—good gentlemen,
let him not strike note the old woman.
Enter Mistress Page; leading in Falstaff, disguis'd.
M. Pa.
Come, mother Prat, come, give me your hand.
Ford.
I'll Prat her:—Out of my doors, note you
witch; [to Fals.] you hag, note you baggage, you poulcat,
-- 73 --
you ronyon note! out, out! I'll conjure you, I'll fortune-tell
you.
[beating, and driving him out.
M. Pa.
Are you not asham'd? I think, you have
kill'd the poor woman.
M. Fo.
Nay, he will do it;—'Tis a goodly credit for you.
Ford.
Hang her witch!
Sir H.
By yea and no, I think the 'oman is a witch
indeed: I like not when a 'omans note has a great peard; I
spy a great peard under his muffler. note
Ford.
Will you follow, gentlemen? I beseech you,
follow; see but the issue of my jealousy: if I cry out
thus upon no trail, never trust me when I open again.
Page.
Let's obey his humour a little further:
Come, gentlemen.
[Exeunt Page, Ford, Shal. and Sir Hugh.
M. Pa.
Trust me, he beat him most pitifully.
M. Fo.
Nay, by th' mass, that he did not; he beat
him most unpitifully, methought.
M. Pa.
I'll have the cudgel hallow'd, and hung o'er
the altar; it hath done meritorious service.
M. Fo.
What think you? may we, with the warrant
of womanhood, and the witness of a good conscience,
pursue him with any further revenge?
M. Pa.
The spirit of wantonness is, sure, scar'd out
of him; if the devil have him not in fee-simple, with
fine and note recovery, he will never, I think, in the way
of waste, attempt us again.
M. Fo.
Shall we tell our husbands how we have
serv'd him?
M. Pa.
Yes, by all means; if it be but to scrape
the figures out of your husband's brains: If they can
find in their hearts, the poor, unvirtuous, fat knight
-- 74 --
shall be any further afflicted, we two will be still note the
ministers.
M. Fo.
I'll warrant, they'll have him publickly
sham'd: and, methinks, there would be no fit period
to the jest note, should he not be publickly sham'd.
M. Pa.
Come, to the forge with it then, shape it;
I would not have things cool.
[Exeunt.
SCENE III.
A Room in the garter Inn.
Enter Bardolph. note
Bard.
Sir, the Germans desire note to have three of
your horses: the duke himself will be to-morrow at
court, and they are going to meet him.
Host.
What duke should that be, comes so secretly?
I hear not of him in the court:—Let me speak with
the gentlemen; They speak English?
Bard.
Ay, sir; I'll call them to note you.
Host.
They shall have my horses; but I'll make
them pay, I'll sauce them: they have had my houses
a week at command; I have turn'd away my other
guests: they must not come off;14Q0074 I'll sauce them:—
Come.
[Exeunt.
SCENE IV.
A Room in Ford's House.
Enter Sir Hugh, Page, Ford, Mistress Page, and Mistress Ford.
Sir H.
'Tis one of the best discretions of a 'omans note
as ever I did look upon.
Page.
And did he send you both these † letters
at an instant?
M. Pa.
Within a quarter of an hour.
Ford.
Pardon me, wife: Henceforth do what thou wilt;
-- 75 --
I rather will suspect the sun with cold note,
Than thee with wantonness: now doth thy honour stand,
In him that was of late an heretick,
As firm as faith note.
Page.
'Tis well, 'tis well; no more:
Be not as éxtream note in submission,
As in offence;
But let our plot go forward: let our wives
Yet once again, to make us publick sport,
Appoint a meeting with this old fat fellow,
Where we may take him, and disgrace him for it.
Ford.
There is no better way than that they spoke of.
Page.
How! send him word,14Q0075 they'll meet him in the park
At midnight! fie, fie; he will never come.
Sir H.
You say, he has been thrown in the rivers; note
and has been grievously peaten, as an old 'oman: methinks,
there should be terrors note in him, that he should
not come; methinks, his flesh is punish'd, he shall have
no desires.
Page.
So think I too.
M. Fo.
Devise but how you'll use him when he comes,
And let us two devise to bring him thither.
M. Pa.
There is an old tale goes, that Herne the hunter,
Sometime a keeper here in Windsor forest,
Doth all the winter time, at still midnight note,
Walk round about an oak, with great jag'd note horns;
And there he blasts the tree, and takes the cattle,
And makes milch-kine yield blood, and shakes a chain
In a most hideous and dreadful manner:
You have heard of such a spirit; and well you know,
The superstitious idle-headed eld
Receiv'd, and did deliver to our age,
-- 76 --
This tale of Herne the hunter for a truth.
Page.
Why, yet there want not many, that do fear
In deep of night to walk by this Herne's oak:
But what of this?
M. Fo.
Marry, this is our device;—
That Falstaff at that oak shall meet with us, note
Disguis'd like Herne, with huge horns on his head.
Page.
Well, let it not be doubted but he'll come,
And in this shape;14Q0076 When you have brought him thither,
What shall be done with him? what is your plot?
M. Pa.
That likewise have we thought upon, and thus:
Nan Page my daughter, and my little son,
And three or four more of their growth, we'll dress
Like urchins, ouphes, and fairies, green and white,
With rounds of waxen tapers on their heads,
And rattles in their hands; upon a sudden,
As Falstaff, she, and I, are newly met,
Let them from forth a saw-pit rush at once
With some diffused song: upon their sight,
We two in great amazedness will fly:
Then let them all encircle him about,
And, fairy-like too, pinch note the unclean knight;
And ask him, why, that hour of fairy revel,
In their so sacred paths he dares to tread
In shape prophane.
Ford.
And, 'till note he tell the truth,
Let the supposed fairies pinch him sound,
And burn him with their tapers.
M. Pa.
The truth being known,
We'll all present ourselves; dishorn the spirit,
And mock him home to Windsor.
Ford.
The children must
-- 77 --
Be practic'd well to this, or they'll ne'er dot'. note
Sir H.
I will teach the children their behaviours;
and I will be like a jackanapes also, to burn the knight
with my taber.
Ford.
That will note be excellent. I'll go buy them vizards.
M. Pa.
My Nan shall be the queen of all the fairies,
Finely attired in a robe of white.
Page.
That silk will I go buy; &clquo;and, in that time,&crquo;
&clquo;Shall master Slender steal my Nan away,&crquo;
&clquo;And marry her at Eaton.&crquo; Go, send to Falstaff
Straight.
Ford.
Nay, I'll to him again in name note of Brook:
He'll tell me all his purpose: Sure, he'll come.
M. Pa.
Fear not you that: Go, get us properties,
And tricking for our fairies.
Sir H.
Let us about it: It is admirable pleasures, and
fery honest knaveries.
[Exeunt Ford, Page, and Sir H.
M. Pa.
Go, mistress Ford,
Send quickly note to sir John, to know his mind.
[Exit Mistress Ford.
I'll to the doctor; he hath my good will,
And none but he, to marry with Nan Page.
That Slender, though well landed, is an ideot;
And he my husband best of all affects:
The doctor is well money'd, and his friends note
Potent at court; he, none but he, shall have her,
Though twenty thousand worthier come to crave her.
SCENE V.
A Room in the garter Inn.
Enter Host, and Simple.
Host.
What would'st thou have, boor? what, thickskin?
speak, breath, discuss; brief, short, quick, snap.
-- 78 --
Simp.
Marry, sir, I come to speak with sir John
Falstaff from master Slender.
Host.
There's his chamber, his house, his castle,
his standing-bed and truckle-bed; 'tis painted about
with the story of the prodigal, fresh and new:
Go, knock and call; he'll speak like an Anthropophaginian
unto thee: Knock, I say.
Simp.
There's an old woman, a fat woman, gone
up into his chamber; I'll be so bold as stay, sir, 'till
she come down: I come to speak with her, indeed.
Host.
Ha! a fat woman? the knight may be rob'd:
I'll call.—Bully knight! bully sir John! speak from
thy lungs military; Art thou there? it is thine host,
thine Ephesian, calls.
Fals. [above]
How now, mine host?
Host.
Here's a Bohemian-Tartar tarries the coming
down of thy fat woman: Let her descend, bully,
let her descend; my chambers are honourable: Fie!
privacy? fie!
Enter Falstaff.
Fals.
There was, mine host, an old fat woman
even now with me; but she's gone.
Simp.
Pray you, sir, was't not the wise woman of
Brentford?
Fals.
Ay, marry, was it, mussel-shell; What
would you with her?
Simp.
My master, sir, my master Slender, sent to
her, seeing her go thorough note the streets, to know, sir,
whether one Nym, sir, that beguil'd him of a chain, had
the chain, or no.
Fals.
I spake with the old woman about it.
Simp.
And what says she, I pray, sir?
-- 79 --
Fals.
Marry, she says, that the very same man, that
beguil'd master Slender of his chain, cozen'd him of it.
Simp.
I would, I could have spoken with the woman
herself; I had other things to have spoken with
her too, from him.
Fals.
What are they? let us know.
Host.
Ay, come; quick.
Simp.
I may note not conceal them, sir.
Host.
Conceal them,14Q0077 or thou dy'st.
Simp.
Why, sir, they were nothing but about mistress
Anne Page; to know, if it were my master's fortune note
to have her, or no.
Fals.
'Tis, 'tis his fortune.
Simp.
What, sir?
Fals.
To have her, or no: Go; say, the woman
told me so.
Simp.
May I be bold to say so, sir?
Fals.
Ay, sir; like who more bold.
Simp.
I thank your worship: I shall make my master
glad with these tidings.
[Exit.
Host.
Thou art clerkly, thou art clerkly, sir John:
Was there a wise woman with thee?
Fals.
Ay, that there was, mine host; one that hath
taught me more wit than ever I learn'd before in my
life: and I pay'd nothing for it neither, but was pay'd
for my learning.
Enter Bardolph, hastily.
Bard.
Out, alas, sir! cozenage, meer cozenage!
Host.
Where be my horses? speak well of them,
varletto.
Bard.
Run away with the cozeners: for so soon
as I came beyond Eaton, they threw me off, from behind
-- 80 --
one of them, in a slough of mire; and set spurs,
and away, like three German divels, three doctor
Faustus's.
Host.
They are gone but to meet the duke, villain:
do not say, they be fled; Germans are honest men.
Enter Sir Hugh Evans.
Sir H.
Where is mine host?
Host.
What is the matter, sir?
Sir H.
Have a care of your entertainments: there
is a friend of mine come to town, tells me, there is
three cousin germans, that has cozen'd all the hosts of
Readings, of Maidenhead, of Colebrook, of horses and money.
I tell you for good will, look you: you are wise,
and full of gibes and vlouting stogs; and 'tis not convenient
you should be cozened: Fare you well.
[Exit.
Enter Doctor Caius.
D. Cai.
Vere is mine host de jartere?
Host.
Here, master doctor; in perplexity, and
doubtful dilemma.
D. Cai.
I cannot tell vat is dat: But it is tell-a me,
dat you make grand preparation for a duke de Jamany:
by my trot, dere is no duke, dat de court is know, to
come: I tell you for good vill: adieu.
[Exit.
Host.
Hue and cry, villain, go:—assist me, knight;
I am undone:—fly, run, hue and cry, villain; I am
undone!
[Exeunt Host, and Bardolph.
Fals.
I would, all the world might be cozen'd;
for I have been cozen'd, and beaten too. If it should
come to the ear of the court, how I have been transformed,
and how my transformation hath been wash'd
and cudgel'd, they would melt me out of my fat, drop
by drop, and liquor fishermen's boots with me; I warrant,
-- 81 --
they would whip me with their fine wits, 'till I were as
crest-fall'n as a dry'd pear. I never prosper'd since I
forswore myself at Primero. Well, if my wind were but
long enough to say my prayers, note I would repent.—Now!
Enter Mistress Quickly.
whence come you?
Quic.
From the two parties, forsooth.
Fals.
The devil take one party, and his dam the
other, and so they shall be both bestowed! I have suffer'd
more for their sakes, more, than the villainous
inconstancy of man's disposition is able to bear.
Quic.
And have not they suffer'd? yes, I warrant;
'speciously one of them; mistress Ford, good heart, is
beaten black and blue, that you cannot see a white
spot about her.
Fals.
What tell'st thou me of black and blue? I
was beaten myself into all the colours of the rain-bow;
and I was like to be apprehended for the witch of
Brentford: but that my admirable dexterity of wit, my
counterfeiting the action of an old woman,14Q0078 deliver'd
me, the knave constable had set me i'the stocks, i'th'
common stocks, for a witch.
Quic.
Sir, let me speak with you in your chamber:
you shall hear how things go; and, I warrant, to your
content: here is a letter † will say somewhat. Good
hearts, what ado here is to bring you together! sure,
one of you does not serve heaven well, that you are so
cross'd.
Fals.
Come up into my chamber.
[Exeunt.
SCENE VI.
Another Room.
Enter Host, and Fenton.
-- 82 --
Host.
Master Fenton, talk not to me; my mind is
heavy, I will give over all.
Fent.
Yet hear me speak; Assist me in my purpose,
And, as I am a gentleman, I'll give thee
A hundred pound in gold, more than your loss.
Host.
I will hear you, master Fenton; and I will,
at the least, keep your counsel.
Fent.
From time to time14Q0079 I have acquainted you
With the dear love I bear to fair Anne Page;
Who, mutually, hath answer'd my affection
(So far forth as herself might be her chooser)
Even to my wish: I have a letter from her,
Of such contents as you will wonder at;
The mirth whereof's so larded with my matter,
That neither, singly, can be manifested
Without the shew of both: fat sir John Falstaff note
Hath a great scene in it: the image of the jest
I'll show you † here at large. Hark, good mine host:
To-night at Herne's oak, just 'twixt twelve and one,
Must my sweet Nan present the fairy queen;
The purpose why, is † here; in which disguise,
While other jests are something rank on foot,
Her father hath commanded her to slip
Away with Slender, and with him at Eaton
Immediately to marry: she hath consented: Now, sir,
Her mother, ever strong note against that match,
And firm for doctor Caius, hath appointed
That he shall likewise shuffle her away,
While other sports are taking off note their minds,
And at the deanery, where a priest attends,
Straight marry her: to this her mother's plot
She seemingly obedient likewise hath
-- 83 --
Made promise to the doctor:—Now, thus it rests:
Her father means she shall be all in white;
And in that habit, when Slender sees his time
To take her by the hand and bid her go,
She shall go with him: her mother hath intended,
The better to denote note her to the doctor,
(For they must all be mask'd and vizarded)
That quaint in green she shall be loose enrob'd,
With ribbands pendant flaring 'bout her head;
And when the doctor spies his vantage ripe,
To pinch her by the hand, and, on that token,
The maid hath given consent to go with him.
Host.
Which means she deceive? note father, or mother?
Fent.
Both, my good host, to go along with me:
And here it rests,—that you'll procure the vicar
To stay for me at church, 'twixt twelve and one,
And, in the lawful name of marrying,
To give our hearts united ceremony.
Host.
Well, husband your device; I'll to the vicar:
Bring you the maid, you shall not lack a priest.
Fent.
So shall I evermore be bound to thee;
Besides, I'll make a present recompence.
[Exeunt.
ACT V.
SCENE I.
A Room in the garter Inn.
Enter Falstaff, and Quickly.
Fals.
Pr'ythee, no more pratling; go, I'll hold:
This is the third time; I hope, good luck lyes in odd
numbers: Away, go; they say, there is divinity in odd
numbers, either in nativity, chance, or death: away.
-- 84 --
Quic.
I'll provide you a chain; and I'll do what
I can to get you a pair of horns.
Fals.
Away, I say; time wears: hold up your
head, and mince.
[Exit Quickly.
Enter Ford.
How now, master Brook? Master Brook, the matter will
be known to-night, or never: Be you in the park, about
midnight, at Herne's oak, and you shall see wonders.
Ford.
Went you not to her yesterday, sir, as you
told me you had appointed?
Fals.
I went to her, master Brook, as you see, like
a poor old man; but I came from her, master Brook,
like a poor old woman. That same knave Ford, her
husband, hath the finest mad devil of jealousy in him,
master Brook, that ever govern'd frenzy: I will tell you,—
He beat me grievously, in the shape of a woman: for,
in the shape of man, master Brook, I fear not Goliah
with a weaver's beam; because I know also, life is a
shuttle. I am in haste; go along with me; I'll tell you
all, master Brook: Since I pluck'd geese, play'd truant,
and whip'd top, I knew not what 'twas to be beaten,
'till lately. Follow me: I'll tell you strange things of
this knave Ford; on whom to-night I will be revenged,
and I will deliver his wife into your hand. Follow:
Strange things in hand, master Brook! follow.
[Exeunt.
SCENE II.
A Street.
Enter Page, Shallow, and Slender.
Page.
Come, come; we'll couch i'the castle-ditch,
'till we see the light of our fairies.—Remember, son
Slender, my daughter. note
-- 85 --
Slen.
Ay, forsooth; I have spoke with her, and
we have a nay-word, how to know one another: I
come to her in white, and cry, mum; she cries, budget;
and by that we know one another.
Shal.
That's good too; But what needs either
your mum, or her budget? the white will decipher
her well enough.—It hath strook ten o'clock.
Page.
The night is dark; light and spirits will become
it well. Heaven prosper our sport! None means note
evil,14Q0080 But the devil;—and we shall know him by his
horns. Let's away; follow me.
[Exeunt.
SCENE III.
Another Street, leading to the Park.
Enter Mistress Page, Caius, and Mistress Ford.
M. Pa.
Master doctor, my daughter is in green:
when you see your time, take her by the hand, away
with her to the deanery, and dispatch it quickly: Go
before into the park; we two must go together.
D. Cai.
I know vat I have to do; Adieu.
M. Pa.
Fare you well, sir. [Exit Caius.] My husband
will not rejoice so much at the abuse of Falstaff,
as he will chafe at the doctor's marrying my daughter:
but 'tis no matter; better a little chiding, than a great
deal of heart-break.
M. Fo.
Where is Nan now, and her troop of fairies?
and the Welch devil, Hugh? note
M. Pa.
They are all couch'd note in a pit hard by Herne's
oak, with obscur'd lights; which, at the very instant
of Falstaff's and our meeting, they will at once display
to the night.
M. Fo.
That cannot choose but amaze him.
M. Pa.
If he be not amaz'd, he will be mock'd; if
-- 86 --
he be amaz'd, he will every way be mock'd. note
M. Fo.
We'll betray him finely.
M. Pa.
Against such lewdsters, and their lechery,
Those that betray them do no treachery.
M. Fo.
The hour draws on; To the oak, to the oak!
[Exeunt.
SCENE IV.
The Park.
Enter Sir Hugh, Pistol, Quickly, Anne Page, and Others, vizarded, and disguis'd for Fairies.
Sir H.
Trib, trib, fairies; come; and remember
your parts: be pold, I pray you; follow me into the
pit; and when I give the watch-'ords, do as I pid you:
Come, come; trib, trib.
[Exeunt.
SCENE V.
Another Part of the Park.
Enter Falstaff, disguis'd.
Fals.
The Windsor bell hath strook twelve; the
minute draws on: Now the hot-blooded gods assist me!—
Remember, Jove, thou wast a bull for thy Europa;
love set on thy horns:—O powerful love! that, in some
respects, makes a beast a man; in some other, a man a
beast.—You were also, Jupiter, a swan, for the love of
Leda:—O omnipotent love! how near the god drew to
the complexion of a goose?—A fault done first in the
form of a beast;—O Jove, a beastly fault!—and then another
fault in the semblance of a fowl;—think on't,
Jove; a foul fault.—When gods have hot backs, what
shall poor men do? For me, I am here a Windsor stag;
and the fattest, I think, i'the forest: Send me a cool rut-time,
Jove, or who can blame me to piss my tallow?
Who comes here? my doe?
-- 87 --
Enter Mistress Ford, and Mistress Page.
M. Fo.
Sir John? art thou there, my deer; my male
deer?
Fals.
My doe, with the black scut?—Let the sky
rain potatoes; let it thunder to the tune of Green-sleeves;
hail kissing-comfits, note and snow eringoes; let there come
a tempest of provocation, I will shelter me here.
[embracing her.
M. Fo.
Mistress Page is come with me, sweet heart.
Fals.
Divide me like a brib'd-buck, each a haunch:
I will keep my sides to myself, my shoulders for the
fellow of this walk, and my horns I bequeath your
husbands. note Am I a woodman? ha! speak I like Herne
the hunter?—Why, now is Cupid a child of conscience;
he makes restitution:—As I am a true spirit, welcome.
M. Pa.
Alas, what noise?
[Noise within.
M. Fo.
Heaven forgive our sins!
Fals.
What should this be?
Wom.
Away, away.
[they run off.
Fals.
I think, the devil will not have me damn'd,
lest the oil that's in me should set hell on fire; he would
never else cross me thus.
Enter, from the Pit, Sir Hugh, and his Troop of Fairies, with Lights, running.
Quic.
Fairies, black, grey, green, and white,
You moon-shine revellers, and shades of night,
You orphan heirs14Q0081 of fixed destiny,
Attend your office, and your quality.—
Cryer Hob-goblin, make the fairy o-yes.
Pist.
Elves, list your names; silence, you airy toys.
Cricket, to Windsor chimneys shalt thou leap:
Where fires thou find'st unrak'd, and hearths unswept,
-- 88 --
There pinch the maids as blue as bilberry;
Our radiant queen hates sluts, and sluttery note.
Fals.
They are fairies; he, that speaks to them, shall dye:
I'll wink, and couch; No man their works must eye.
[lyes down, upon his Face.
Sir H.
Where's Pede?—go you, and where you find a maid,
That, ere she sleep, has thrice her prayers said,
Rein up note the organs of her fantasy;
Sleep she as sound as careless infancy:
But those, as sleep, and think not on their sins,
Pinch them arms, legs, backs, shoulders, sides, and shins.
Quic.
—About, about;
Search Windsor castle, elves, within and 'out:
Strew good luck, ouphes, on every sacred room;
That it may stand 'till the perpetual doom,
In state as note wholesome,14Q0082 as in state 'tis fit,
Worthy the owner, and the owner it.
The several chairs of order look you scour
With juice of balm and every precious flower:
Each fair instalment coat, and several crest,
With loyal blazon, evermore be blest;
And nightly, meadow fairies, look you sing,
Like to the garter's compass, in a ring:
The expressure that it bears, green let it be,
More fertile-fresh note than all the field to see;
And, Honi soit qui mal y pense, write
In emerald tufts note, flowers purple, blue, and white;
Like saphire, pearl, and rich embroidery,
Buckl'd below fair knighthood's bending knee;
Fairies use flowers for their charactery.
Away; disperse: But 'till 'tis one o'clock,
-- 89 --
Our dance of custom, round about the oak
Of Herne the hunter, let us not forget.
Sir H.
Pray you,
Lock hand in hand; yourselves in order set:
And twenty glow-worms shall our lanthorns be,
To guide our measure round about the tree.—
But, stay; I smell a man of middle earth.
Fals.
Heavens defend me from that Welch fairy!
lest he transform me to a piece of cheese.
Pist.
Vile worm, thou wast o'er-look'd even in thy birth.
Quic.
With trial fire touch me his finger end:
If he be chast, the flame will back descend,
And turn him to no pain; but if he start,
It is the flesh of a corrupted heart.
Pist.
A trial, come.
Sir H.
Come, will this wood take fire?
[applying their Tapers.
Fals.
O, o, o!
Quic.
Corrupt, corrupt, and tainted in desire!—
About him, fairies; sing a scornful rime;
And, as you trip, still pinch him to your time. note
Song.
Fie on sinful fantasy!
fie on lust, and luxury!
lust is but a bloody fire,14Q0083
kindl'd with unchast desire,
fed in heart; whose flames aspire,
as thoughts do blow them, higher and higher:—
Pinch him, fairies, mutually; note
pinch him for his villany;
pinch him, and burn him, and turn him about,
'till candles, and star-light, and moon-shine be out.
-- 90 --
During this Song, (in which the Fairies
pinch Falstaff, burn him with their Tapers, and dance
about him) Doctor Caius comes one way, and carries
off a Fairy in green; Slender another way, and takes
one in white; and Fenton steals away Mistress
Anne. Noise heard within: Fairies break off their
Dance: Falstaff rises: and Enter Ford, Page,
Mistress Ford and Mistress Page.
Page.
Nay, do not fly: I think, we have watch'd you now;
Will none but Herne the hunter serve your turn?
M. Pa.
I pray you, come, hold up the jest no higher:—
Now, good sir John, how like you Windsor wives?—
See you † these, husband? note14Q0084 do not these fair oaks note
Become the forest better than the town?
Ford.
Now, sir, who's a cuckold now?—Master
Brook, Falstaff's a knave, a cuckoldly knave; here are
his horns, master Brook: And master Brook, he hath
enjoyed nothing of Ford's, but his buck-basket, his
cudgel, and twenty pounds of money; which must be
pay'd too, master note Brook; his horses are arrested for it,
master Brook.
M. Fo.
Sir John, we have had ill luck; we could
never meet: I will never take you for my love again,
but I will always count you my deer.
Fals.
I do begin to perceive that I am made an ass.
Ford.
Ay, and an ox too; both the proofs are extant.
Fals.
And these are not fairies? I was three or
four times in the thought, they were not fairies: and
yet the guiltiness of my mind, the sudden surprize of
my powers, drove the grossness of the foppery into a
receiv'd belief, in despight of the teeth of all rime and
-- 91 --
reason, that they were fairies: See now, how wit may
be made a jack-o'lent, when 'tis upon ill employment!
Sir H.
Sir John Falstaff, serve Got, and leave your
desires, and fairies will not pinse you.
Ford.
Well said, fairy Hugh.
Sir H.
And leave you your jealousies also, I pray
you.
Ford.
I will never mistrust my wife again, 'till thou
art able to woo her in good English
Fals.
Have I lay'd my brain in the sun, and dry'd
it, that it wants matter to prevent so gross o'er-reaching
as this? Am I ridden with a Welch goat too? shall
I have a coxcomb of frize? 'tis time I were choak'd
with a piece of toasted cheese.
Sir H.
Seese is not good to give putter; your pelly note
is all putter.
Fals.
Seese and putter! have I liv'd to stand at
the taunt note of one that makes fritters of English? this is
enough to be the decay of lust and late-walking through
the realm.
M. Pa.
Why, sir John, do you think, though we
would have thrust virtue out of our hearts by the head
and shoulders, and have given ourselves without scruple
to hell, that ever the devil could have made you our
delight?
Ford.
What, a hodge-pudding? a bag of flax?
M. Pa.
A puft man?
Page.
Old, cold, wither'd, and of intolerable entrails?
Ford.
And one that is as slanderous note as Satan?
Page.
And as poor as Job?
Ford.
And as wicked as his wife?
-- 92 --
Sir H.
And given to fornications, and to taverns,
and sack, and wine, and metheglins, and to drinkings,
and swearings, and starings, note pribbles and prabbles?
Fals.
Well, I am your theme; you have the start
of me; I am dejected; I am not able to answer the
Welch flannel, ignorance itself is a plummet note o'er me:
use me as you will.
Ford.
Marry, sir, we'll bring you to Windsor, to
one master Brook, that you have cozen'd of money, to
whom you should have been a pander: over and above
that you have suffer'd, I think, to repay that money
will be a biting affliction. note
Page.
Yet be chearful, knight: thou shalt eat a
posset to-night at my house; where I will desire thee
to laugh at my wife, that now laughs at thee; tell her,
master Slender hath marry'd her daughter.
M. Pa.
Doctors note doubt that; if Anne Page be my
daughter, she is, by this, doctor Caius' wife.
Enter Slender.
Slen.
Whoo, ho, ho, note father Page!
Page.
Son! how now? how now, son? note Have you
dispatch'd?
Slen.
Dispatch'd!—I'll make the best in Glo'stershire
know on't; 'would I were hang'd, la, else.
Page.
Of what, son?
Slen.
I came yonder at Eaton to marry mistress
Anne Page, and she's a great lubberly boy: If it had
not been i'th' church, I would have swing'd him, or
he should have swing'd me. If I did not think it had
been Anne Page, 'would I might never stir, and 'tis a
post-master's boy.
Page.
Upon my life then you took the wrong.
-- 93 --
Slen.
What need you tell me that? I think so note
when I took a boy for a girl: If I had been marry'd to
him, for all he was in woman's apparel, I would not
have had him.
Page.
Why, this is your own folly; Did not I tell
you how you should know my daughter by her garments?
Slen.
I went to her in white,14Q0085 and cry'd, mum,
and she cry'd, budget, as Anne and I had appointed;
and yet it was not Anne, but a post-master's boy. note
M. Pa.
Good George, be not angry: I knew of your
purpose; turn'd my daughter into green; and note, indeed,
she is now with the doctor at the deanery, and there
marry'd.
Enter Doctor Caius.
D. Cai.
Vere is mistress Page?—By gar, I am cozened;
I have marry'd un garçon, a boy, note un paisan, note by gar,
a boy; it is not Anne Page: by gar, I am cozened.
M. Pa.
Why, did you take her in green?
D. Cai.
Ay, by gar, and 'tis a boy: by gar, I'll raise
all Windsor.
[Exit Caius.
Ford.
This is strange! Who hath got the right Anne?
Page.
My heart misgives me: Here comes master Fenton.
Enter Fenton, and Anne Page.
How now, master Fenton?
Anne.
Pardon, good father! good my mother, pardon!
Page.
Now, mistress? how chance you went not
with master Slender?
M. Pa.
Why went you not with master doctor, maid?
Fent.
You do amaze her; Hear the truth of it.
-- 94 --
You would have marry'd her most shamefully,
Where there was no proportion held in love.
The truth is, She and I, long since contracted,
Are now so sure that nothing can dissolve us.
The offence is holy, that she hath committed:
And this deceit loses the name of craft,
Of disobedience, or unduteous title;
Since therein she doth evitate and shun
A thousand irreligious cursed hours,
Which forced marriage would have brought upon her.
Ford.
Stand not amaz'd: here is no remedy:—
In love, the heavens themselves do guide the state;
Money buys lands, and wives are sold by fate.
Fals.
I am glad, though you ta'en a special stand
to strike at me, that your arrow hath glanc'd.
Page.
Well, what remedy?—Fenton, heaven give thee joy!
What cannot be eschew'd, must be embrac'd. note
Fals.
When night dogs run, all sorts of deer are chac'd.
M. Pa.
Well, I will muse no further:—Master Fenton,
Heaven give you many, many merry days!—
Good husband, let us every one go home,
And laugh this sport o'er by a country fire;
Sir John and all.
Ford.
Let it be so, sir John:
To master Brook you yet shall hold your word;
For he, to-night, shall lye with mistress Ford.
[Exeunt.
