“Is not the good of the whole, the good of all its
parts?”

“Clearly, sir.”

“Well sir! is not the establishment of a great
principle, on which depends the happiness of millions,
of far more moment than the temporary inconvenience
you will feel from the loss of your fortune?”

“Certainly, sir,” said I very faintly.

“Good—I believe I shall make something of you
at last. You are worthy of the confidence of your
fellow-citizens. Now listen to me. Another election
is coming on, which involves another great
principle, on which depends the salvation of the
country, and the happiness of unborn millions. A
great state road is to be laid out by the next legislature,
and I have it from the very best hand, that if we
do not exert ourselves, it will be carried over a part
of the country so distant from my property, and that
of my best friends, as to do us rather an injury than
a benefit. Now, though I am interested in this business,
that is my misfortune. It is the great principle
dependent upon the decision of the question that
I am solicitous to vindicate. My intention is to get
you into the legislature, provided you will pledge
yourself to stand in the breach, and prevent the destruction
of our liberties, which mainly depend upon
the great principle involved in this road bill. What say
you, will you pledge yourself to your constituents?”

“Why sir—if—”

[figure description] Page 174.[end figure description]

“O none of your ifs, George—you'll never make
a great politician if you stumble before an if.”

“But my conscience, sir.”

“Your conscience!” cried his Excellency the
Honourable Peleg—“Conscience! who ever heard
of a representative of the people having a conscience?
Why sir, his conscience belongs to his constituents,
who think for him, and decide for him.
One half the time it is his duty to act in the very
teeth of his conscience. He is only the whistle on
which the people blow any tune they please.”

“It appears to me, sir, that this doctrine is rather
immoral.”

“Immoral!” cried his Excellency, throwing himself
back in his chair, and laughing; “immoral!
what has morality to do with the establishment of a
great principle? I ought to have made a tailor of
you, I see.”

“Lookee, George,” continued his Excellency,
after he had laughed himself out, “every young
man who devotes himself to political life, must in
the outset, if he wishes to be successful, surrender
his opinions and feelings entirely to the establishment
of certain great radical principles. He must
have neither morals nor conscience. All he has to
do is to inquire whether a thing is necessary to the
establishment of these principles, and do it as a matter
of course, although abstractedly and in itself it
may be in the teeth of law and gospel. For instance,
George—why, you are looking at that pretty

[figure description] Page 175.[end figure description]

girl, Silent Parley, instead of listening to me. You
will never make a politician.”

I begged his Excellency's pardon, and he proceeded.

“For instance, suppose you were, like myself, in
a high official situation, and were solicited by two
persons to do two things directly opposite in their
nature and consequences; what would you do?

“I would inquire into the matter, ascertain, if
possible, which was right, and act accordingly.”

“You would! Then let me tell you, sir, you
would soon be sent to raise cabbages and pumpkins
on your farm. No, sir, your duty would be to inquire
and ascertain whether the great principle on
which depended your remaining in office, would be
best sustained by complying with the wishes of one
or other of the persons soliciting your interest.
Having found this out, there would be no further
difficulty in the matter. You would of course decide
upon principle.”

“Principle, sir! why really, excuse me, your Excellency,
but this is what the country farmers call
being governed by interest, not principle.”

“Pooh, George! your head is not longer than a
pin's; can you comprehend a syllogism?”

“I believe so, sir, if it has a sufficiency of legs.”

“Very well,” continued his Excellency, “certain
principles are essentially necessary to the salvation
of the state and the happiness of unborn millions.
I advocate these principles; ergo, it is necessary to

[figure description] Page 176.[end figure description]

the salvation of the state and the happiness of unborn
millions, that I should be chosen governor,
and reward those who chose me, as far as it may be
in my power. Now, sir, as to my own personal
interests; here is the point in which the talents of a
great man are most essentially tested; I mean in
making his interests and his principles harmonize
with each other. If he can do this he is fit to govern
the whole universe; if not, he is fit for nothing
but a mechanic; for how can it be supposed that a
man can take care of the interests of other people
who neglects his own?”

The logic of his Excellency the Honourable Peleg
Peshell, Esquire, was conclusive, and I agreed to
vote against my conscience, for the good of my
country, if necessary; after which, I sallied forth
and overtook the pretty Silence Parley. It was a
delightful summer afternoon, or rather evening, for
the twilight had put on its cloak of gray obscurity,
and we walked along the hard white sand of the
quiet bay, arm in arm, sometimes talking and sometimes
looking at one another in luscious meditation.
She was worth a description; but my story is one
of principle, and I shall dwell on such trifles as love
and woman, only so far as is necessary to my purpose.
After I had sacrificed my kind friend and
neighbour Brookfield and his family on the altar of
principle, I never could bear to look Deliverance in
the face again. Indeed the mother soon after carried
her family to her friends in a distant part of the

[figure description] Page 177.[end figure description]

country, and I saw them no more. Next to Deliverance
Brookfield, Miss Silence Parley was the
fairest of our maidens, who all were fair, if rosy
cheeks, round glowing figures, and sky clear eyes,
could make them so. She was likely to be an heiress
too; and the Honourable Peleg hinted to me
one day, that it would marvellously conduce to the
triumph of a great principle, if I could win and
wear her.

“For,” said he, “her father is a man of a good
deal of political influence, which he does not choose
to exert, being one of those selfish blockheads who
prefer peace and quiet to the salvation of unborn
millions. If you could marry his daughter, I dare
say he would come out in favour of the great principle.”

This time, for a great wonder, I think, for it is
the only time it ever happened to me in all my subsequent
career, this time my principles chimed in
with my interests, and I determined, if possible, to
charm the fair Silence into speaking to the purpose.
We were often together alone in the modest, humble
twilight, walking and talking, or sitting and silent.
We exchanged looks and little civilities, that spoke
expressive meanings; and, in short, it was not long
before I saw in the eyes of my pretty Silence the
signal of surrender. I had not actually offered myself,
but I had determined upon it; when the election
approached near at hand, on which depended the
great principle, whether the great state road should

[figure description] Page 178.[end figure description]

pass through the property of the Honourable Dibble
Dibblee, Esq. innkeeper of Dibbleeville, or of his
Excellency the Honourable Peleg Peshell, Esquire,
cash storekeeper at Peshellville, and consequently
the salvation of unborn millions.

His Excellency the Honourable Peleg one day
took occasion to hint to me, that it might be as well
to sound the Honourable Peabody Parley, Esquire,
the father of my pretty Silence, as to his using his
influence in my behalf in the coming struggle of
principle.

“I had better ask his consent to marry his daughter
first,” said I.

“No, sir, you had better ask for his support first,”
replied his Excellency, peremptorily.

Accordingly I went to the Honourable Peabody
Parley; there were as many Honourables in our little
state as hidalgos in Spain; I went and asked his
support in attaining the high honour of being elected
a member of the legislature in the coming contest
of principle. The Honourable Peabody told
me frankly he would do no such thing, unless
I pledged myself to vote and use all my influence
in getting the great state road laid out so as
to run through a part of his property, where he was
going to found a great city. This was in direct
opposition to the great principle of the Honourable
Peleg Peshell, whose property lay in the other extreme
of the state. I required time for

[figure description] Page 179.[end figure description]

consideration, and went to consult my guardian. He shook
his head and was angry.

“You must go and pay your addresses to Miss
Welcome Hussey Bashaba, daughter to the Honourable
Jupiter Ammon Deodatus Bumstead, of Bumsteadvilleton,
as soon as possible.”

“But, sir, Miss Hussey Bashaba is as ugly as a
stone fence, with a flounce and fashionable bonnet
on it.”

“No matter, the safety of the country and the
salvation of unborn millions depend on it.”

“But, I am all but engaged to Miss Silence Parley;
I have committed myself.”

“No matter, the triumph of principle will be the
greater.”

“How so, sir?” replied I, rather perplexed at this
mystery.

“How so; why the Honourable Mr. Bumstead
is the proprietor of a manufactory, which can turn
out votes enough to carry the election. You must
be off at once, for the great contest of principle approaches.”

I mounted my horse, after a sore struggle between
my heart and the great political principle, and proceeded
towards the stately shingle palace of my intended
father-in-law, to visit my intended, the redoubtable
Miss Welcome Hussey Bashaba Bumstead, the
daughter, the only daughter of the Honourable Jupiter
Ammon Deodatus Bumstead, of Bumsteadvilleton,
the best manufacturing seat in the state,

[figure description] Page 180.[end figure description]

with a great power of water. My horse, being no
politician, and withal a most unprincipled quadruped,
stopped stock still at the gate which led to the
abode of Miss Silence Parley. She was standing
on the piazza, looking like a rosy sylph, expecting
me, for she had seen me afar off. My horse was
obstinate, and though I confess I pricked him on violently
with my spurs, I held the rein so tight that he
could do nothing but rear. This frightened my pretty
Silence, who screamed, and ran to open the gate.

She begged me to dismount and lead my horse in.

“I cannot just now,” said I, in a sneaking, snivelling
tone; “I am going on to Bumsteadvilleton
just now.”

“To see Miss Hussey Bashaba?” said she, with
a mischievous smile of meaning, for Miss Hussey
was the reigning she-dragon of the whole county.

“No,” said I, with the face of a robber of a henroost;
“no, I'm going to buy some cotton shirting.”

I could stand it no longer; I clapped spurs to my
horse—she waved her lily hand, whiter than snow,
and I was out of sight in a minute. It was the greatest
triumph of principle I ever achieved.

The Honourable Jupiter Ammon Deodatus received
me as he would one of his best customers;
and Miss Hussey Bashaba smiled upon me like a
roaring lion. There is one great comfort in addressing
an exemplary ugly woman; she don't require
much wooing, provided she is a reasonable

[figure description] Page 181.[end figure description]

creature. Neither are parents very impracticable
in cases of this kind. The Honourable Jupiter
Ammon promised me his support, and I promised to
take his daughter. We were married in a week.
The Honourable Jupiter Ammon brought out his
two hundred ragamuffins, all men of clear estate, if
not freeholders. I was elected by a handsome majority;
and again the triumph of principle, on which
depended the salvation of unborn millions, was completed,
at the trifling expense of the mere sacrifice
of a few insignificant moralities, of no consequence
but to the owner.

The collected wisdom of the state, of which I
formed one twentieth part at least, met in good time.
His Excellency the Honourable Peleg Peshell delivered
a speech to both Houses, in which he took a
rapid view of the creation of the world; man in a
state of nature—the want of principle in the opposition—
the profligacy of certain leading politicians—
recommended a loan, six canals, nine rail roads,
and seventeen banks—and concluded with a touch
of piety, that brought tears into our eyes, as he
thanked Heaven for having achieved this last great
triumph of principle.

The whole Assembly was divided, as usual, on a
great principle different from that on which the famous
toll bridge rested. The great question on
which the great principle was based, on which the
salvation of unborn millions depended, was whether
the great state road was to diverge fifteen degrees

[figure description] Page 182.[end figure description]

thirty-seven minutes west, or fifteen degrees thirty-seven
minutes east northeast. Such is the influence
of propinquity in questions of this sort, that it exercised
complete sway on this occasion. In proportion
as a member had a propinquity towards the
west line, or the east, precisely in the same degree
did the great fundamental principle which governed
his actions incline in that direction; and so intimate
was the association between principle and interest,
that had I not actually known to the contrary by my
own experience, I should have supposed they were
one and the same thing. But there were little minor
principles operating in subordination to that of the
great state road. One member, for example, was
principled against voting for any state road at all,
unless the friends of the road would vote for his
canal. Another would not so far prostitute his principles
as to vote for the canal, unless the friends of
the canal would support his application for a bank.
In the end, finding the principles of the members to
be absolutely incompatible, we hit upon an arrangement,
which was perfectly satisfactory to the
most tender conscience, and came up to the great
principle by which every member was governed.
The proposition was moved by myself, at the suggestion
of his Excellency the Honourable Peleg
Peshell, Esquire, Governor and Captain General of
the little state with so many banks and great men.
My plan was no other than to jumble roads, canals,
and banks, all together in one bill, by which the

[figure description] Page 183.[end figure description]

principles of all would be perfectly satisfied, and all scruples
quieted for ever. After amending the proposition,
at the instance of a philanthropist, by a donation of
five hundred dollars to the society for the prevention
of tippling, the whole was rolled through triumphantly.
Every body's principles were quieted, and
every man had lent a hand to the salvation of unborn
millions. Such is the magic of public virtue! There
were scarcely half a dozen members agreeing in the
first instance, yet such was the spirit of friendly compromise,
that in the end every member without exception,
but one, voted for the bill solely on the
score of principle—of doing as he would be done
unto. The only dissentient was a member, who so
far forgot his duty to his country as to come there
without a project for her benefit. Having nothing
to ask, he was unwilling to give any thing away,
and voted against my proposition.

It was on this occasion I delivered my maiden
speech. Public expectation was on tiptoe; the boys
climbed up to the windows of the state house; the
ladies of the Honourable Abel Rooney, the Honourable
Peartree Brombush, and of the Honourable
Roger Pegg, with their twenty-seven blooming and
marriageable daughters, seated themselves in front
of the gallery; and the Speaker cried silence, and
rattled his hammer so that his tobacco box bounced
off the table. I was penetrated with the justice of
my cause, the great principle involved in the question,
and the dignity of my auditory. I began:

[figure description] Page 184.[end figure description]

“Sir-r-r!

“If I possessed the power to flash conviction,
as the lightning does upon the bosom of the
thunder cloud, redundant with fire and brimstone:
Sir-r-r, if I could wrest from the sceptre—I mean, if
I could wrest the sceptre from reason, and rob the
spheres of the music of their voices: Sir-r-r, if I
could, by any effort of this feeble hand and tremulous
body, pour the tremendous and overwhelming
flood of conviction like a wall of adamant over your
souls, until they melted in the red hot embers of conviction:
Sir-r-r, if I could freeze your hearts till
they offered an icy barrier to the intrusion of all
selfish considerations, and reared the massy column
of their waters up to the topmost pinnacle of the
arching skies: Sir-r-r, if I could swallow up at a
single effort of my imagination, the possibility of
believing it possible that the cries of the orphan,
the bewailings of reckless and wretched poverty—
the exhortations of the halt, the dumb, and the deaf—
the mother's groans—the weeping stones—the
orphan's moans”—

Here I was interrupted by a burst of hysterical
tears from the beautiful blue eyes of the widow of
the Honourable Roger Pegg, who was carried home
in a state of suppuration. This was the greatest
triumph of eloquence ever witnessed in our state. I
cannot go through the whole of my speech. It
lasted eight hours and three quarters, and I should

[figure description] Page 185.[end figure description]

have made it nine, had not all the candles gone out,
and left me and my subject in outer darkness. The
reader may judge of its length from the fact, that it
was ascertained by an industrious old person, who
could not bear to be idle, that the word “Sir,” occurred
three hundred, and the monosyllable “I,”
five hundred times—the word “principle,” six hundred
and thirty, and the word “interest,” not once.
Can there be any higher proof of the purity of my
motives? The next day the Banner of Truth published
my speech, of which I had given a copy
beforehand, pronouncing it at the same time superior
to the best efforts of the three great orators of
antiquity, Marcus, Tullius, and Cicero.

I was now fairly launched upon the billows of
immortal glory—so said the Banner of Truth. The
little state rung with my exploit, as if it had been a
second victory of New Orleans, and people began
to talk of me for Congress. The Honourable
George Gregory Oakford (for I too had become
Honourable) was the luminary of the age; and his
rising importance was indicated by divers worthy
persons, such as men out of employ, or who
had made a bad bankruptcy for themselves; and
young gentlemen, too idle for useful employment,
and too poor to figure without it, paying him most
particular devoirs, and hanging to his skirts, like so
many cockles. All these were impelled by an instinctive
perception, such as animates the canine

[figure description] Page 186.[end figure description]

race, to wag their tails and fawn, even upon the beggar
who hath a bone to throw away.

But though a great man myself, there were still
greater men than I in `our town.' I mean the
members of the general committees; the nominating
committees; and greatest of all, the gentlemen
who give the impulse, and govern the course of
the current by a certain mysterious influence, as inscrutable
as that which gives a direction to the
winds. Though the study and experience of a
whole life, has pretty well initiated me into the depths
of political alchymy, I confess I could never fathom
the obscurity of this part of the science. I
could never reach the head of the tide, though I
floated on its surface so long; nor have I ever to
this day had a clear perception of the means, by
which certain dull, stupid men, often without a tolerable
reputation, and destitute of wealth, contrive
to lead the people as they do, and keep the great
leaders themselves, in most abject subjection. It
may be, that the majority of mankind are wise
enough to know that those who are most on a
par with them, and mix the most familiarly in their
daily concerns, whose interests are in fact identified
with their own, are their best and safest counsellors,
and that thus, after all, the popularity of a great
man is derived not so much from the splendour of
his actions, as from the secret influence of very ordinary
men, over their friends and neighbours.

[figure description] Page 187.[end figure description]

As the triumph of a great principle and the salvation
of unborn millions depended so materially
upon the predominancy of the party to which I had
become attached, I did not consider myself above
courting these masters of the people by every means
in my power. I sought them out at their employments,
talked politics with them, or rather heard
them talk, which is by much the more infallible
mode, and agreed with them whenever I could find
out what they meant. I brought one of these, an
honest shoemaker, nearly to the brink of starvation,
by causing him to neglect his business from day to
day, in discussing the eternal, invariable principles,
which governed toll bridges and turnpike roads. I
invited these worthy men, for worthy and well meaning
men a great many of them were, to my house,
and hinted to Mrs. Hussey Bashaba Oakford the
propriety of drinking tea with their wives, socially,
and asking them in return. But Mrs. Hussey Bashaba
was one of those unreasonable women that
boast of being mistress of their own houses. She
was to be sure no beauty, but she was an heiress, in
perspective at least, though as yet her only dowry
had been the two hundred votes of the ragamuffin
freeholders, a dozen table and tea spoons, and a looking-glass.
But she had mighty expectations, and
acted accordingly.

My wife treated the committee men with sour
looks from one of the ugliest faces in the state, and
contrived so many ingenious ways to make them

[figure description] Page 188.[end figure description]

uneasy, that I was surprised at her talents. If one
of the honest gentlemen by accident spilled the ashes
from his pipe on the hearth, Mrs. Bashaba would
jump up extempore, seize the brush, and exercise it
with a most significant and irritable vivacity. If
another chanced to bring in a small tribute from
mother Earth, upon his independent and sovereign
shoes, she would forthwith ask me, with a peculiar
emphasis, whether the scraper had been stolen from the
door. But woe to the committee man who dared,
by any lapsus lingua, to expectorate on the floor!
Mrs. Hussey Bashaba would scream for the help to
come with a tub of water and a brush, and set her
scrubbing away before the good man's face. As to
the good wives of the committee, they came once,
and once only. Mrs. Bashaba talked all the time about
her papa's house, factory, work people, and all that,
and made such a display of importance that they never
came near us again. To one she said, “What a
pity it is you can't afford to put new panes of glass in
your broken windows!” To another, “How sorry I
am, my dear Mrs. Applepie, your husband is not
rich enough to build a new house! Are you not
afraid it will fall down one of these days? For my
part, I shouldn't be able to sleep a wink in it.”
And to a third, “La, my dear Mrs. Birdseye, when
did you lose those two front teeth? I declare it
makes you look twenty years older.” The committee
men and their wives went home all in a
huff with myself and my better half.

[figure description] Page 189.[end figure description]

“My dear,” said I, soothingly, “you have endangered
the success of a great principle, and the
salvation of unborn millions.”

“The salvation of a fiddlestick!” said Mrs. Bashaba,
“I can't bear such vulgar people. Why
they eat out of trenchers, and use wooden spoons,
like pigs.”

“I never heard that pigs used wooden spoons,”
said I, innocently.

“You never heard! Huh! of what consequence
is it what you have heard? People brought up
in a pigstye seldom have an ear for music,” said
Mrs. Bashaba, as she proceeded to blow the dust
off the chairs and tables with her aromatic breath.

My wife was certainly right in valuing herself on
her breeding.

The untoward behaviour of Mrs. Bashaba had
well nigh jeopardized the great principle, and destroyed
the hopes of posterity. A fortunate accident,
or perhaps a providential interposition, prevented
the woful catastrophe. This was the stoppage
of a bank in a remote corner of the state; but
which, distant as it was, exercised a vast influence
on the affairs of distant people. This moneyed institution,
having no capital, had borrowed the stock
of another moneyed institution, in the like predicament,
and secured the capital thus paid in by a similar
loan of its own stock. They then both fell to
issuing bills like wildfire, and lending money—

[figure description] Page 190.[end figure description]

paper money—to any person who could offer them
the ghost of a security. My worthy father-in-law,
the Honourable Jupiter Ammon Bumstead, was one
of these shadows, which became a substance by the
magic operation of modern financiering. He borrowed
money, built a manufactory of coarse cottons,
and a town, which he called Bumsteadvilleton, together
with a shingle palace of infinite dimensions.
The twin sister banks got on very well for a time,
by redeeming the notes of one of the sisters with the
notes of the other. The Cow and Grass Company
paid the notes of the Wool and Comb Company,
like a good sister, and thus they mutually supported
each other in the journey of life. At last, however,
some malicious and unreasonable person made a
demand of three hundred dollars in silver. The
Cow and Grass offered the notes of the Wool and
Comb, but it would not do; the Cow and Grass fell
against the Wool and Comb, the Wool and Comb
against the establishment of Bumsteadvilleton, and
the Honourable Mr. Bumstead returned to his original
shadow again. It was the old story of the
boy that bought the pig. `The butcher began to
kill the ox, the ox began to drink the water, the
water to quench the fire, the fire to burn the stick,
the stick to lick the pig,' and the pig at last went to
school, but without being a whit the wiser. The
President of the Cow and Grass, who was a member
of the legislature, in a paroxysm of indignation,
moved that the bills of both these moneyed institutions
should be burnt. Another member moved to

[figure description] Page 191.[end figure description]

strike out the word “bills,” and insert those of
“presidents, cashiers, and directors.” Among all
the members of our Honourable body, there was but
one man—the mover of the amendment—that was
not either president or director of some bank. The
amendment was voted down unanimously; the great
principle of banking triumphed, and the salvation of
unborn millions was placed upon the eternal basis of
paper money. On this occasion I made another
speech, which would have convinced every member
present, but one, had they not been convinced already.
If the reader is a tolerable politician he
will know that there are two kinds of speeches—one
for the people within, the other for the people without.
The latter are by far the most numerous.

This failure of the Cow and Grass, was the
luckiest incident of my life. Ninety-nine in a hundred
of the people of our state, were dependent on
the banks in some way or other, either as debtors or
stockholders. My speech in favour of the great
principle of banking, gained all their hearts. The
total ruin of my Honourable father-in-law, actually,
for a time, made a reasonable woman of my wife,
and caused her to treat the ladies of the committee
men with vast courtesy. The ladies of the committee
men, began to pity poor Mrs. Oakford—and
pity is akin to forgiveness—and finally the consummation
of all was, that the general committee nominated
me as their candidate for congress by a majority
of one—that is to say—not being able to agree,
the two parties at length settled the great principle

[figure description] Page 192.[end figure description]

by a throw of the dice. My opponents threw quatre,
my friends cinque, and the choice was announced as
a great triumph of principle over personal feelings
and private views.

Being thus triumphantly nominated by the general
committee, and endorsed by the sub-committees,
it became the duty of the people to vote for me
upon principle, though it might happen to be
against their conscience, thus magnanimously sacrificing
all private feelings and considerations to the
public good. In vain did the opposite party exclaim
against this attempt to dictate to the people;
the people turned out lustily in my favour, and
voted me in a member of congress, against their
consciences, for the sake of the great principle. His
Excellency the Honourable Peleg Peshell, Esquire,
supported me with all his influence, and I him with
all mine; not because it was our mutual interest to
do so, but because our interests were so dovetailed
into the great principle that it was next to impossible
to separate them. In the course of this contest, to
the best of my belief, I violated my conscience, and
forgot the obligations of truth, justice, honour, and
sincerity, more than a score of times; but the Honourable
Peleg, had convinced me it was my duty as
a patriot to sacrifice my duty as a man, on all occasions
when they came in conflict with each other.
“The first duty of a true patriot is to offer up his
conscience on the altar of the public good”—said
the Honourable Peleg, my mentor. I confess I winced
a little, for the idea sometimes came across me,

[figure description] Page 193.[end figure description]

that as both parties might possibly think themselves
equally right in the great principle, and one of them
must be in error, a large portion of the people were
offering up their consciences in the wrong place. I
once propounded this doubt to the Honourable Peleg—
“Pooh!” said he, “the opposite party has no
conscience; they are wrong in the great principle,
and can be right in nothing else. A person radically
wrong in political opinions, is like a man with
a broken back, he can't walk straight for the life of
him.” I was satisfied.

I departed for the seat of government, with six
long stall-fed speeches in my portmanteau, for I was
determined to convince my constituents at least, that
they had not chosen a dummy to represent them. I
wanted to leave Mrs. Hussey Bashaba behind, but
she was a little inclined to the green-eyed monster,
and determined to share my honours. I represented
only some thirty or forty thousand citizens;
but my wife represented the whole sex; it was therefore
but just that the majority should have its way,
and she accompanied me to the scene of my future
glories. People who know nothing of the value of
a single unit, or even a single cipher, when placed in
a particular situation, can hardly conceive the importance
of a member at the seat of government,
where a series of mutual dependence pervades the
whole social system. There is hardly a hack driver,
who is not in some measure dependent on some great
man; and even the poor horses, if they could speak,

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would undoubtedly proclaim their adherence to certain
great fundamental principles. The first time I
went with my Bashaba to visit one of the foreign
minister's ladies, the horses stuck in the mud, and refused
to proceed. I scolded the hackman—“Plase
your Honour,” he was an Irishman, and all Irishmen
are patriots—“Plase your Honour, they wont
stir upon principle.”

“What do you mean?” said I.

“Plase you, they have just found out that they
are going to visit the British minister, and have made
up their minds never to pay him that honour, till the
Catholic question is settled to their satisfaction.”

The horses stuck to their principles, and stuck in
the mud. There seemed some truth in what the
driver said, for the moment he turned their heads the
other way, they trotted off gallantly towards home.
The instinct of animals sometimes nearly approaches
to the reason of some men. I was obliged to send
for horses of a different party, or more accommodating
principles.

The first time we were invited to dinner, my wife
was delighted. She was the lady of a member, and
happened to take precedence of all the rest. She
was led into the dining room by a foreign minister,
with a gold laced coat; and consumed all the next
day in writing letters to the ladies of the general
committee. The next time she was not quite so well
pleased, for there was a senator's lady present, and
Mrs. Bashaba fell to the lot of an attaché. What

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made this the more provoking, was that the senator's
lady lived in the same hotel with us, and the propinquity
made the slight intolerable. The senator's
lady was the delighted one now, and declared the
seat of government was the most charming place in
the world. There was a great coolness for several
days, on the part of Mrs. Welcome Bashaba towards
the senator's lady. The third time matters were
still worse. There was a member of the cabinet's
lady present, to whom the ambassador was pledged
by the rules of etiquette; so that the senator's lady
fell to the attaché, and Mrs. Bashaba to the lot of a
gentleman with no claim to distinction, but talents
and character. The senator's lady and the lady
of the member came home the best friends in the
world. But the latter began to be disgusted with
the seat of government, and became quite homesick.
It is an ill wind that blows nobody good. Mrs.
Bashaba having been handed into the supper room,
at a grand gala, given by a foreign minister, in
honour of his august sovereign's birth-day, by a
clerk in the land office, insisted on going home forthwith.
Had it been a clerk in the office of the secretary
of state, or even any one of the departments, it
might have been borne. But a clerk in the land office!
it was impossible to get over the mortification. Fortunately
an old neighbour of mine, nearly fourscore,
who had come to the seat of government, with some
two or three hundred more of my constituents to get
an appointment, was going home the very next day.

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Accordingly I took Mrs. Bashaba in the vein, and
sent her off before she had another chance of being
handed to dinner by a foreign minister. Previous
to her departure she exacted of me a promise to oppose
the administration, and particularly the measures
of the secretary, whose wife had taken precedence
of her at the grand supper, on all occasions.
I promised—for I would have promised any thing to
get rid of Mrs. Bashaba for the season; and I have
the great consolation of knowing that both the honourable
senator and myself voted against the administration
all the winter, upon the great principle
of etiquette, which is in fact the corner-stone of tyranny.
Being now my own man, I commenced
gallant; flirted desperately with the married dames;
and still more desperately with the young ladies, who
were delighted with the attentions of a member.
Let me warn all my readers, who are, or expect to
be members, never to bring their wives to the seat of
government. If they are handsome, they will have
all the attaches, and all the widowers pro tem. among
the members, in their train; and if they are otherwise,
unless they happen to be angels outright, their
curtain lectures will be terrible. But it is time to
return to my political career.

The first day the House met, and before a Speaker
was chosen, being resolved to lose no time in convincing
the world I was somebody, I rose to make
a motion and a speech on the subject of reform.
“Mister Speaker—Sir-r-r”—“Order!” cried the

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clerk, rattling his wooden hammer. “Mister Speaker—
Sir-r-r, I rise to”—“Sit down—the honourable
member is out of order, the house is not yet organized.”
An old member on my left apprised me
that as there was yet no Speaker chosen, there could
be no question debated. When the persons were
nominated for that station, I rose again, for one
of my speeches I thought would come pat to the
purpose now. As soon as the Speaker was chosen
I rose again to make my great motion on the subject
of reform—“Mister Speaker—Sir-r-r-r, the republics
of Greece and Rome”—“Mr. Speaker,” said
an old grey headed member, I am sorry to interrupt
the honourable member from—from—somewhere—
but I beg to make a motion that we proceed to appoint
a committee to wait on the President, with
information that the House is now organized, and
ready to receive any communication from him.”

“Mister Speaker, sir-r-r, I feel myself under an
awful responsibility to myself, my constituents, my
country, and the world, to oppose that motion;”
for I was a little nettled at this interruption.

“The motion is not debateable,” replied the
Speaker, mildly.

I sat down, provoked and mortified beyond measure,
for I was ready to overflow in a torrent of
eloquence. The reading of the message, and other
formalities, took up the whole morning; and the
house adjourned without hearing my speech. Thus,
like Titus, I lost a day; but I made myself all the

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amends in my power, by speaking it that night in
my chamber to two chairs, a three-legged stool, and
a chalk bust of Cicero with a broken pedestal, which
at every gesticulation I made, nodded approbation.

My next attempt at a speech on reform was quite
unpremeditated. It happened that a party of ladies
came into the gallery of the house; among them
was one with whom I was engaged in a fashionable
flirtation for the season. I wished above all things
to dazzle her with a speech; for, at the seat of government,
a speech is equivalent to gaining a great
victory by sea or land.

The moment I saw my belle in the gallery, the
fervor of eloquence seized me. Luckily at that
blessed crisis a member sat down, after a speech
of three days, apologizing to the house that exhaustion
and fatigue prevented his going deeper into
the subject. In my haste, I unfortunately began
the one of my six stall-fed speeches which of all
others least applied to the question before the house,
which related to the Cumberland road, that would
be the very best road upon earth, if speeches could
keep it in repair. My speech, which was the first of
my budget I could lay hold on, was on the occupation
of the territory of Oregon.

I set out from the seat of government without
interruption, every now and then cocking my eye at
the divinity who inspired me in the gallery; and
was puffiing and blowing about half way up the

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Rocky Mountains, when a member called me to
order.

“The Honourable gentleman is not speaking to
the question. The Cumberland road does not cross
the Rocky Mountains.”

“Let the gentleman go on,” exclaimed a soft,
clear, high-toned voice, in a wicked Cervantic tone,
“let the gentleman alone; he is only making a
voyage round the world, and will certainly cross the
latitude or longitude of his subject, some time or
other.”

This sally occasioned a good deal of merriment,
and I saw the loadstar of my eloquence showing her
ivory teeth on the occasion. I became confused;
I struck in upon another of my six stall-fed speeches,
wandered from that into a third, and finally jumbled
them all together into a mass of incongruity, unutterable
and inextricable. Fortunately the Speaker,
not having above thrice the patience of Job, at
length called me to order, and I obeyed. Fortunately
too for me, the reporter, who had made more
great orations than all the orators of ancient or
modern times, not being able to take down my
speech in short hand, substituted one of his own,
which was read by my constituents with infinite
satisfaction and improvement. Shortly after this,
I made a motion to exclude the ladies from the gallery;
being convinced, from my own experience,
that they cause the effusion of more nonsense in the
house than nature ever intended men should utter.

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I was at first exceedingly discouraged with my
excursion to the Rocky Mountains; but finding it
made such a splendid figure in the newspapers, I
determined to take the earliest opportunity to get
rid of another of my six labours. The next torrent
of my eloquence was poured out from the summit-level
of a great canal, which, involving as it did a
great principle, excited a vast deal of interest in and
out of the house. Unfortunately for me, I did not
get a chance of speaking, until the subject had been
exhausted at least a score of times, in a score of
speeches. But for all this, I was resolved not to
lose my labours because others had forestalled them.
Accordingly, when every other orator had become
as exhausted as the summit-levels of some of our
canals, I rose in my might, and repeated, not only
all that had been said in the house, but all that had
been written out of it, for the last fifty years. I led
the house from the canal of the Red sea to the canal
of the Yellow river; from the canal of Languedoc
to the canal of Caledonia; from the canal of the
Duke of Bridgewater to that of Lake Erie: in
short I did what neither Sir Francis Drake, Ferdinand
Magellan, Christopher Columbus, nor Captain
Cook ever achieved; I sailed round the world on a
canal. Before I had finished one quarter of my
tour of inland navigation, more than three fourths
of the members were so fully convinced by my arguments,
that one after the other left the house,
having, as they afterwards assured me, made up

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their minds on the subject. This time I kept clear
of the Rocky Mountains, never quitting my canal
for a moment; and there being no law against
repeating the same thing over again a hundred
thousand times, I might have spoken till doomsday,
had not Mr. Speaker at length waked up, and observed
that he believed there was no quorum, and
proposed an adjournment.

“Never was there a more complete triumph of
argument and eloquence combined,” said the Banner
of Truth; “the friends of the canal were one and
all so convinced, that they did not think it worth
while to stay further argument; and its foes fell
away before the thunder of his eloquence as the
walls of Jericho did at the blowing of the rams
horns.” I was at first a little mortified at the idea
of my speech not appearing with an end to it in the
report; but the reporter comforted me with the
assurance, that so long as a speech had a beginning,
it was of little consequence whether it came to any
conclusion or not.

I now began to be talked of as a rising politician;
for any man who can get on the back of a canal or
a railroad, is sure of immortality. I became the
Neptune of inland seas, a very “Triton of the minnows;”
and already began to aspire to an embassy
to some one of the new republics without any government.
“He has made the canal,” said a great man.
“You are mistaken,” said the member with the
tuneful voice and Cervantic tones, “you are

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mistaken, the canal has made him.” To make an end
of my congressional register: I got rid of all my
speeches; besides offering thirty-six resolutions,
calling for information which the several heads of
departments assured me would require the united
labours of six hundred men, six hours in the day for
six years, to collect and arrange. In addition to
all this, I made about a hundred little extempores;
drafted a bill which was passed after all the sections
had been amended so as to mean exactly the contrary
of what I intended, and which afterwards
became the father of six volumes of commentaries;
and finally wound up triumphantly at the end of
the session, by striking out a “but,” and inserting
an “except,” in a bill for the relief of poor Amy
Dardin, after a long and animated debate, in which
great talents were displayed on both sides.

Towards the latter end of the last session of my
term, a great crisis happened. The whole confederation
was divided on a great question, which involved
a great fundamental principle, and it fell to
the lot of congress to decide by states, each state
having a vote. It was now indeed that I felt myself
a great man, since a great question, involving a great
principle, on which depended the salvation of unborn
millions, rested upon my single voice. I was the
sole representative of my state, and while others had
only the fractional part of a vote, I had a voice potential.
The other states were divided; my state
had the casting vote, and I, I alone, became a second

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Warwick, a king maker! Had Mrs. Welcome
Hussey Bashaba been now at the seat of government,
she would not have wanted great men to hand her
in to supper. It behooved me to reflect seriously,
and to delay my decision to the last moment, although
at this distant period, I feel no hesitation in
confessing that I had made up my mind from the
first, with a proviso however that I saw no occasion
to alter it afterwards. As it was, I kept my opinions
as secret as the sources of the Niger. In so
doing, I acted by the special advice of my master,
his Excellency the Honourable Peleg Peshell, Esquire.

“I hold,” said he, in one of his letters, marked
`private and confidential,' “I hold it a sound maxim
in politics as well as morals, that where a man is determined,
upon principle, to pursue a certain line
of conduct, there is no obligation which ought
to restrain him from uniting his interests with his
principles, and making the most of the position in
which circumstances have placed him For this
purpose, it will be wise and patriotic in you to keep
your determination a profound secret, or even affect
to lean a little to the opposite side from that you
intend to unite with at last. When a vessel is at
anchor, nobody feels much solicitude about her;
but a drifting boat always brings a reward for
securing it. A word to the wise, &c.”

In pursuance of this advice, I affected to be undecided.
I had not made up my mind; I must

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consult my constituents; I should delay as long as
possible, and be governed by circumstances. Both
sides beset me with arguments; but when a man
has made up his mind, mere arguments weigh nothing.
I preserved my incognito, and talked as
mysteriously as an oracle.

One day a confidential friend of one of the great
principles—the reader must not confound principles
with principals—came to me, to discuss the subject.

“My dear Mr. Oakford, there can be no comparison
between the two principles. You must support
our principle.”

“My dear sir,” said I, “I have not the least
hesitation in saying I should support your principle”—
Here my friend took my hand warmly,
and cried with fervor, “my dear-r-r sir-r-r”—
“But”—Here he dropped my hand suddenly—
“But really, my dear friend, the question depends
so little on my single vote or my insignificant influence,
that though I mean, if I remain here, to
vote on your side, my family affairs are so pressing
at home, and my wife in such a bad state of
health, that I rather think I shall ask leave of
absence for the rest of the session.” A confidential
conversation followed which I cannot disclose, being
under the most solemn pledge to the contrary. The
result was, that I agreed to remain and support the
great principle, being satisfied by the arguments of
my friend, that the salvation of the Union and the
welfare of unborn millions depended on my single

[figure description] Page 205.[end figure description]

vote. The triumph of principle was accordingly
achieved by my single arm, and I returned home to
await my reward.

In due time, I was invited to preside over a department
of the government, in consequence of
having so judiciously accommodated my principle
to my interest. It was now that I congratulated
myself on having sacrificed every thing to principle,
and that I expected to reap the reward of my patriotic
labours in the cause of unborn millions. I
proceeded to the seat of government, and took possession
of my honours. But alas! gentle reader,
from that time to the moment that I fell a sacrifice
to principle, I never knew a moment's ease. I was
a pillar of the state, and Samson with the gates of
Gaza on his back was but a type of me. It was not
long before I discovered that a statesman exercises
power as an ass does, by carrying burthens; and
that to be one of the highest of the rulers, is only to
become one of the lowest of slaves.

The labours and mortifications I underwent in
the course of my career of greatness, are beyond my
power to describe. In the morning when I came
down stairs, I found people waiting to speak with
me; I was stopped twenty times on the way to my
office, by people having important business; and
on my return to dinner, by other people, who
only wanted to say a few words, and kept me till
my dinner was cold, and my Bashaba out of all
patience. If I dined out, I found a dozen letters to

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read and answer before I went to bed, all on the
most important subjects; that is to say, on subjects
very important to others, and of not the least consequence
to myself. The whole mass of the good
people of my state applied in a body for offices.
One was a cousin of my wife; another had written
in my favour in the Banner of Truth; a third had
his eye put out at the polls, in advocating my cause;
a fourth was a grandson of a corporal of the revolution;
a fifth had once invited me to dinner; and
the remaining thirty-odd thousand brought the
warmest letters of recommendation from his Excellency
the Honourable Peleg Peshell, Esquire, who
was determined I should pay for his guardianship.
My whole official life furnished an exemplification of
the different light in which men view themselves, and
are viewed by others. I scarcely met with a man
who was not seeking an office for which he was
particularly disqualified, or which his situation ought
not to have placed him above soliciting, or accepting
when offered. A parson wanted a commission in
the army; a soldier, an appointment requiring special
knowledge of the civil law; a man who could
neither speak nor write his native language, a foreign
mission; an independent country gentleman begged
a situation unworthy a broken feather merchant,
thinking perhaps, with Epaminondas, that he would
confer honour on his office, though his office might
confer none on him; an honest gentleman from the
Emerald Isle, just naturalized, had great claims on

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a rale republican administration, on the score of
having fought at Vinegar Hill; another aspired to
a seat on the bench, having become exceedingly
well versed in criminal jurisprudence, by sustaining
several indictments with great gallantry, and coming
off with flying colours; and ten thousand at least
claimed the gratitude of the executive power, on the
ground of having been chairmen or secretaries of
ward meetings, and brawling at election polls.
There was one fine fellow whose claims were irresistible;
he had gained the election for an administration
constable, by managing to make one man
vote six times at the same poll. There was another
fine fellow that quite delighted me; he aspired to a
principal clerkship in one of the departments, and
his only disqualification was not being able to write.
“But then you know, sir, I can make my mark,
and the understrappers can do the writing for me.”

“Well, but,” said I, “what will you be doing all
the while others are performing your duties?”

“Oh, I can give advice to the secretary. I am a
capital hand at giving advice.”

Another still finer fellow, who had broke three
several times, never paid a debt in his life, and borrowed
money from every body that would lend,
demanded a situation in which millions of the public
money would pass through his hands; he brought
me recommendations from all his creditors, who saw
in his appointment to this office the only chance of
ever being paid. I ventured a delicate

[figure description] Page 208.[end figure description]

remonstrance. “My good sir,” said he, “you know
private character is not necessary in a public character.”

I believe the only time I laughed, except at the
jokes of a greater man than myself, during the period
I remained an object of envy to millions, was
on an occasion I shall never forget. I was called
out of my bed, early one cold winter morning, by a
person coming on business of the utmost consequence,
and dressed myself in great haste, supposing
it might be a summons to a cabinet council. When
I came into my private office, I found a queer,
long-sided man, at least six feet high, with a little
apple head, a long queue, and a face, critically
round, as rosy as a ripe cherry. He handed me a
letter from his Excellency the Honourable Peleg,
recommending him particularly to my patronage.
I was a little inclined to be rude, but checked myself,
remembering that I was the servant of such men
as my visiter, and that I might get the reputation of
an aristocrat, if I made any distinction between
man and man.

“Well, my friend, what situation do you wish?”

“Why-y-y I'm not very particular; but some
how or other, I think I should like to be a minister.
I don't mean of the gospel, but one of them ministers
to foreign parts.”

“I'm very sorry, very sorry indeed; there is no
vacancy just now. Would not something else suit
you?”

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